Jacob and his best friend Ryan had never been so nervous in their lives. They were about to get it on, do the nasty, hump, fuck, sleep together... Face it, they were about to have sex. They had gotten a really hot porn story to help them get into the mood, one that the most openly gay flamer on campus had introduced them to. After buying some lubricant and condoms, they were (they hoped) ready for an evening of fun. When they reached Jacob's house, they headed up to Jacob's room, and began reading the story, which they hoped would play out in real life.
The two lovers gently stripped each other, moaning softly. It seemed most natural, as if clothing was an unwelcome intruder upon this tender moment. They stood, gazing at each other, naked in each other's presence for the first time. Their passion was so hot their fur seemed ready to smolder, their hot cocks stood at the ready, throbbing with eager hardness.
It felt so weird! They'd seen each other naked in the shower before, but stripping down in front of the other, knowing they'd be getting it on soon was the most awkward thing they'd ever done.
By the time they'd gotten naked, both their blushes were so hot they expected their cheeks to smolder, and their cocks had gone limp as overcooked pasta. Ryan and Jacob began to awkwardly kiss each other, hoping a little foreplay might get things back on track.
They pressed their bodies together, their lips hungrily seeking the other's as their passion grew higher. Their cocks began to ache for attention, as they awoke their deepest desires.
They kissed, groped, pressed, licked, fondled, and finally resorted to masturbation to get their cocks to stiffen. Once hard again, they got into a 69 position, and began to suck each other carefully.
The hot tangy taste of masculinity filled his mouth, as he fed his throbbing cock to his lover. The musk filled his muzzle, urging him on, and he sucked harder, eager for the taste of his mate's cream.
It tasted weird, and it smelled weirder, but the blowjob was as good as any Ryan had gotten from a girl. Ryan kept sucking, more out of repayment for the blowjob he was receiving than any real enjoyment. Suddenly he felt his balls tightening, and he came into his friend's mouth, even as Jacob's cock jerked, and filled his mouth with his seed. Ryan choked and gagged on the rush of salty, bitter fluid.
A few minutes later, they were in the bathroom, guzzling water to get rid of the taste. "What in hell did you drink for lunch?" asked Ryan. "Salted Tabasco sauce?"
"I could have sworn you had turpentine for breakfast," grumbled Jacob, pouring himself more water. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta take a piss."
After they'd relieved themselves of the taste, and about a gallon of water each, they were ready to try again. Finally, about 4 Penthouse and 5 Playgirl magazines later, they'd managed to coax their manhoods back to full hardness. They gave each other long looks. It was time for the final step.
At last, the two lovers were ready for the full consummation of their love. The one got on his paws and knees, as his beloved mounted him, and slid smoothly in. The night became filled with their gasps and moans of passion, as they made love throughout the long night, groaning and writhing. "Oooooooohhhhh.... Aaaaaaaaahhhh.... Mmmmmmmmmm....."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUGH!!!!! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!!!!!! Jesus motherfucking CHRIST!" screamed Jacob "What in hell are you trying to do back there?! Stuff a telephone pole up my ass?! Oh, my GOD! I told you to use the goddamned lube!"
"I used half the fucking tube!" shouted Ryan. "If you'd fucking relax, and stop trying to crush my dick, maybe it wouldn't hurt so much!"
"Why don't you get down here, if you know so much about it?" growled Jacob. "Jesus Christ, you damn near split me open."
"All right," growled Ryan. "I will!"
They switched places, with the result that Ryan yelled louder than Jacob had, even though Jacob used even more lube than his had. "Jeeze, I know what you mean about crushing the cock," moaned Jacob. "I dunno if I'll ever be able to whack off again!"
The two lovers moaned, their fiery passion spent, but their love deepened. "Mmmmm..." moaned the one. "Oh, fuck, that was great... We've got to do this again."
"You know something?" said Ryan. "Fuck this."
"Yeah, fuck this," agreed Jacob. "I dunno about you, but I'm never doing this again, with anyone."
"Neither am I," sighed Ryan. "Never again."
The next morning, the two lovers woke up beside each other, entwined in each other's arms, so very, very close. They sighed, wishing the night had never ended. The bed was soft, warm, softly urging them to stay, and continue what happened last night. And they did not hesitate a moment.
Jacob woke up, to find himself on the floor. He looked around for Ryan, and found his friend on the opposite end of the room, also on the floor. He got up, and got dressed. "Ryan? Come on, it's morning."
Ryan got up with a groan. "Fuck... I thought last night would NEVER end," he moaned.
"I'll make breakfast," muttered Jacob.
Back at college, the school queen approached the two, grinning. "So, how did last night go?" he asked with a grin. "Tell me all the juicy details."
"To put it bluntly," snarled Jacob, "My ass hurts like hell, my dick feels like it's been squeezed in a vice, and I hate the taste of cum!"
"Ditto!" snapped Ryan.
The queen sighed, somewhat upset that they hadn't met with any sort of success. And he'd given them a story he himself had written, too...
This story was written as sheer comedy, a piss-take of oh, so many "first-time tales" that have been written. How surprised (and delighted) I was to find that so many of my friends found this story funny not because of its value as a send-up, but rather that they could relate.
If you enjoyed this story, or have your own horror stories you'd like to share, feel free to e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org.