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Something out of A Dream
He was standing in front of me and I felt scared. I was tongue tied. It felt like there was nothing in my mouth. I couldn't believe it was him...Amir...here talking to me. I felt like a little school girl.
I smiled back. He was sexy as hell. His long braids were tied back into a ponytail. It seemed like acne didn't dare stress his face.
He reached his hand out and took mine from my side. The hand shake was all his doing. My hand was too limp to shake back. He had such a strong hand. Damn...he was looking right into my eyes like I looked into his.
His eyes were slightly slanted like he had Asian in his blood. He had to have been mixed with Asian. At first I thought he was always just squinting to be extra sexy, but no it was just how he looked. It was the sexiest eyes I've ever seen.
"Nice to meet you. I'm Chauncey..."
He seemed nervous. I could feel the sweat in his hand. Damn...I was nervous too. It was kind of awkward just standing in this hallway with him.
"Crane? Chauncey Crane right?"
He knew my name! "How did you know?"
"The supper last friday," he explained and then smiled with these deep dimples, "I heard it and realized where I knew you from. You looked real familiar, but I couldn't put a finger on it. You ran track in highschool, didn't you?"
"Damn, I loved you," he explained and all of a sudden as though compelled by something he fixed his words, "I mean I loved how you ran! I ran a race against you once. You probably didn't notice. I mean you were just in the zone. My damn coach used to have us watch you on television to study your running technique."
was a fan. Worst thing is he wasn't a
fan of me. He thought he was, but he was
a fan of what Patience had created.
See...back in high school, I was the skinny geek.
It wasn't until Patience beefed
me up with these steroids she got from a hook up in
"I gave that up," I said, all of a sudden not feeling so excited. It wasn't him...hell he was exciting. It just seemed like he was somehow just falling into Patience's puzzle like everyone else was. He was just another puppet, influenced by her schemes.
"Oh wow..." he said, "Why? I mean...you still look like you run."
He looked me up and down. I didn't know what he was seeing. Sure I still was a little cut, but I definitely wasn't cut like I used to be. I was losing all that and I felt good about it. I was stick of poisoning my body. I didn't need track. I had academics. I was so glad that I didn't have to poke myself with those needles anymore.
I shook my head, "It just wasn't my thing. Do you still run?"
"Yeah, but...He leaned down and rolled up the sweat pants he was wearing. As
he lifted them I could see his muscled leg had a bandage around it.
"Aww, man, is it serious?" I asked.
Amir just shrugged, "Who knows how serious it is? The doctors say I should take a year off and hopefully by next year, I could be back to running and shit. You know. Damn nigga, I really fucked this leg up. I need my scholarship. Real talk. Without that athletics scholarships, my ass is going to be right back in the projects."
talk had this
Damn. I gave him this sad little look, "You'll be alright. I mean, you look like you're a soldier."
"Yeah...I mean I wasn't as fast as you...no where near, but I was fast. Hey...maybe after all this time, maybe you lost your stroke."
He smiled and I couldn't believe how cute he was!
No...how sexy this man was!
"No. I mean, I don't do the tights anymore," I said joking, "But I think these legs can still get me moving if I wanted."
"Maybe when my leg gets better me and you can race."
I couldn't help but squinting and trying my best to pull off a sexy smile, "What do I get if I win?"
I didn't know if he caught on. I mean, damn this guy was sexy. I couldn't help myself. What if he did catch on? All of a sudden I wanted to just jump into a wall.
That was when he raised his eyebrows and said, "Whatever you want."
We stood there for a second in silence. God...he had no idea what I wanted to do him. I just wanted to make love to him for hours on end.
At that awkward moment this girl walked up to him. I knew exactly what it was hitting for. It was one of those...girls. She seemed like just one of those easy girls that were probably chasing him around the entire boat. Shit, if I had a pussy I would probably be right among them.
She squeezed his butt and he seemed a little disgruntled till she turned around. She wasn't ugly. She was pretty actually. She was obviously a ghetto girl. I could see her Baby Phat purse and could smell her peach lip gloss from all the way over here.
"Hey sexy," she told him.
Did everyone want this boy? I hated that. How could you be attracted to someone when everyone else was flipping over that person just as much as you were?
"Jasmine, you don't remember me?" she asked.
She was loud and ignorant. I noticed all of a sudden that Mia was walking down the long corridor. I had no idea where she was going, but her eyes were focused hard on me. She was probably wondering what I was doing talking to a girl that had Baby Phat on. She wouldn't be caught dead with it on. She fixed her long blond hair over her shoulder and then all of a sudden she stopped walking to stare at me as though expecting me to walk over to her immediately.
"Oh hey sweetheart," Amir said and gave her a hug. He had this sexiness about him. This bitch was probably getting wet just because of his hug.
"Do you now they have a movie theater on this boat!" she explained, "An actual movie theater! I'm going to watch Sex and the City...was wondering if you wanted to come!"
Amir looked over to me. I didn't get why. She wasn't asking me. For a moment it was almost like he found this girl as annoying as I did. I didn't blame him if he did. He was looking for an excuse not to go with her.
"I was actually catching up with my buddy here," he explained to her and nodded over to me.
Since when were we buddies? Hell, I didn't mind the title. Shit, I liked it actually. She didn't even look my way. She was completely transfixed onto his slanted eyes light brown eyes.
"Come on...your body...oh...I'm sorry, buddy, can come too," she said.
She was pulling at his arm and he looked at me again, "You want to go. I never saw the movie theater."
Shit either had I. Patience would cut out my tongue if she knew I was excited over a movie theater, no matter where it was. I wasn't supposed to show excitement over something so...simple.
I heard taps from the other side of the hallway. People were passing down the corridor and I knew Mia was getting annoyed because it was becoming obvious that I was having a conversation with these people.
"Well," I said, realizing Mia was getting more and more pissed off as time went by, "I have to do something."
"What?" he asked.
I could tell he wanted to talk some more. I figured it was most likely about track. I didn't too much care to relive the idea that I'd taken steroids to win.
"Just something, but you can go ahead. I'll catch you later Amir."
He smiled and then laughed to himself, "I don't know why I find it funny that you remembered my name."
I walked away. He had no idea that I'd never forget his name...ever. I fought every urge in my body and mind not to turn around and watch him walk away. I got a shot of jealousy that he was going with that girl, but I knew she wasn't good enough for him. She was pretty and everything, but he can do so much better.
Mia crossed her arms when I made it over to her.
"Relax. It was just idle conversation. He watched me run."
"Patience won't like it...not even idle conversation," Mia explained and turned to me with this scowl, "You are so weird kiddy...you aren't supposed to talk to those people. Don't you understand?"
"It was nothing."
I walk away knowing that Mia probably still wants to downtalk me like I was a little kid. I didn't have time for her bullshit. I didn't need a second Patience. I didn't care if her father was the captain of the boat.
I walked to the other side of the boat. I walked to the elevator because I had this strange feeling that Mia was following me. She was the type to do that.
I looked twice and made sure she wasn't there, but there was another dollhouse member there instead. It was Vince. Great...Vince.
"Ey, where were you...I was waiting for you at the elevators. Patience wants to see us."
"Fuck Patience," I said, rolling my eyes, "You know where the movie theaters are..."
"They have a movie theater on board. I want to know where it is," I ask him.
"We need to meet with Patience. Stop fucking around and let's go meet with her...seriously."
He tried his hardest to look like he was serious and that he was like the rest of them. It almost made me laugh. Vince used to be the shyest person in the world, but slowly he was becoming more commanding. It was just still so weird to me. He was awkward. I was hoping that he wasn't becoming like Patience and the rest of them everyday.
"I'm going to the movie...either you can come...or you can stay here."
Vince had decided to go like I thought he would. It took us nearly half an hour to find where the movie theater was on this busy ass boat. It was in what was known as the east wing where some of the sleeping quarters were. It was real dark in the movie theaters and it was crowded. I guess while the Dollhouse members were all studying and practicing for whatever art we were trying to master, these people were here. It seemed like the local hang out spot more then a movie. There were some people in the front actually watching the movie, but for the most part, people were scattered everywhere.
"Why the hell are we here?" Vince asked me, seeming a little irritated.
I didn't know. I just felt kind of bad leaving Amir with that scumbag girl. Maybe it was jealousy or maybe it was the fact that he seemed like he really didn't want to go with her. That was when I saw her. She was sitting in the third row.
I signaled Vince to follow me and we sat behind her. He was no where to be seen but she was sitting with another black girl who looked more like a prostitute then a college student.
I couldn't help but eavesdrop on their conversation.
"What's his deal?"
"He's just playing hard to get hunny," the girl name Jasmine said and gave her friend a pat on the leg, "He knows he's hot. He's a little conceited."
"I think he's gay. He is too hot and he's turning down way too many girls. Either he's gay or he has a girl at home," she explained, snapping her fingers as she spoke.
"That nigga is coming in my bed tonight though."
"I'm so fucking serious. These niggas all want some of this kitty."
She made this tiger noise and they started to laugh. All of a sudden Amir reappeared. It was real as dark in the theater, I guess he didn't see me.
"Isn't that..." Vince started.
Amir walked into the isle with the girl Jasmine and sat next to her. All of a sudden she was all over him again. He seemed obviously uncomfortable. This bitch was disgusting. Before I knew it she had her tongue out and aiming for his neck.
I couldn't help it...I kicked the chair. I kicked it hard as hell. It was like as hard as those cops that booted down drug dealer's doors back in the Grove where I grew up. It was almost like a second nature type thing.
all turned around and looked at me...even Vince looked at me like there was
something seriously wrong with me.
"Watch yourself nigga," she said with this sharp ass roll.
I was about to say something when Vince got up and looked at her as though she was a little worm, "Who are you talking to?"
Vince wasn't the most thug acting guy, I mean he was rich, but he was still a man. He had still learned that he had to be tough when he played basketball and all those other sports he got himself into.
It wasn't even just that. Vince had this overprotectiveness when it came to me. It wasn't different from the rest of the Dollhouse, but Vince seemed to overdo it at time. He seemed to forget I had something in between my legs...same as him.
"Ain't nobody scared of you lil niggah. My man will take care of this," she said and turned to Amir, "Won't you baby?"
We all looked down at Amir to see what he was going to do. When we did, I realized that he was looking at me.
"Chauncey," he addressed me, completely ignoring the girl.
"Hey...I decided to come down anyway," I told him.
He looked at me for a second and smiled. God there was something about that smile that just made the entire world freeze. It was almost like his eyes erased the world around us and sucked me in.
He sent a shiver up my spine.
"What the hell...am I invisible?" Jasmine had said.
"You hungry?" I asked him, "This movie is kind of boring."
I hadn't been watching the movie. To hell with the movie. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. I knew it looked weird but I really didn't care.
With that we left. The girl Jasmine was saying something. I don't know if Amir was paying any attention. I sure as hell wasn't. We walked away. He started immediately talking about track and I was just lost trying to fill in every time I could.
We were in the cafeteria for a couple of hours. Vince had come with us, but he seemed so distant. I introduced him to Amir and he just shook his hand. He didn't even attempt to make conversation with the boy. I couldn't believe he was being so rude. Luckily Amir didn't seem bothered by it. The conversation the two of us were having seemed to take his mind off of it.
"Thank God you showed up while you did," he said and laughed, "That girl was getting on my last nerve...seriously."
"You didn't even like her a little bit."
Amir just frowned, "What did you think of her?"
I could feel Vince staring at me. He knew my secret and I could tell he was wanting to see how I would answer the question.
"Nah...she was growling. I guess you made her that hot."
He laughed, "Aw, don't act like I'm all special. A girl like that anyone could have that effect on. I mean, she kept digging her hand in her pants and fixing her underwear then trying to touch me with her hand."
I laughed with him. That was disgusting.
"Hey," Vince said with this mean look, "I'm eating here."
He was serious. He shot Amir this rough stare. I could tell it was almost like he was burning a hole into Amir with his stare. Damn...I wish for that minute that I hadn't invited Vince. I forgot that even though he was cool with me, he still didn't like guys who dressed with baggy clothes and used heavy slang. He definitely didn't like people who spoke about disgusting things while eating. It wasn't what we were raised to like.
I didn't mind though. I found Amir interesting. Everytime he said something about the girl, he squirmed and his dimple shown. He was so fucking gorgeous.
"My bad son," Amir told him and picked up his own hamburger.
"I'm not your son," Vince said, bringing him his big ass muscle and pointing a demanding finger at Amir.
He got up off the seat and for a moment I thought he was going to hit Amir, but he just turned walked towards bathroom. Damn...he was really acting like Ethan right now. I wasn't used to it at all. Vince was one of the sweetest guys I ever known. Well...at least he was sweet with me.
"Yo, if you weren't cool as hell, I'd beat that boy's ass," Amir told me, "He's been giving me this shit look all day. Why the fuck is he so stuck up? He got a dick up his ass or something."
I laughed. I know he didn't mean it as a pun, but I took it as one anyway. It would be a fight worth paying for if it happened. Vince was bigger of course, having his basketball build but Amir had that lean but tough track build. Amir also seemed to have that street edge. Vince was far from a push over though.
"You think I'm cool as hell?" I ask.
He nods and smiles, "Yeah."
"Why don't we leave? I don't want you two getting into anything. Let's just get out of here and go...chill somewhere."
I had said "chill". I mean I knew how to speak like I was from the hood. I WAS from the hood. The acting was when I was pretending to be some uppity rich boy.
"You don't have to say anything else. Come on...I know just the place."
I walked away...
I know I would feel bad about leaving Vince earlier, but he was acting like an asshole and he was just here trying to babysit me anyway. I didn't need that anymore.
I wanted to get to know what the connection was with Amir. I mean, he was obviously looking at me this whole time because he recognized me from track and I should have just left it at that, but I still felt some kind of way when he stared at me.
We continued to talk as we walked out of the cafeteria and down the different hallways of the ship. He had been asking me a whole lot of questions. He was interested about me. He asked me where I was from and I told him that I was from the south. I wasn't clear where in the south. I tried to keep it simple and he seemed to respect my privacy. Then he turned the conversation onto himself as though hoping that I'd open up once he did a little.
I tried to keep
all my multiple successes. I had a
resume that seemed to be setting me up to become the future president of the
Then we got to the place that he had meant to show me.
He had found another way to sneak out on the upper deck. People weren't really allowed on the upper deck that overlooked the bottom after nighttime. It was a private deck usually reserved for small get-togethers that the captain was throwing.
It was beautiful out here. The weather was clear and it was just everything.
"Damn...don't you just want to get away sometimes?" he asked me.
He had no idea. He was saying the same words that I'd asked people so many times. It seemed like everyone else had been holding back. They didn't want to make their great escape.
I watched as he went up to the ledge and looked out at the water, "You're life seems so nice. You have a big loving and supportive family. Why would you want to escape anywhere?"
"It's not like it seems. It's stressful. I have to be dad to those boys. I mean, I have no problem with it, but that is what I've become against my will. I never had a child hood. I always had to watch my brothers, take care of my brothers. What if I don't do good in school. What will happen to my brothers?"
He was so caring. I could see it in his eyes. I walked up to him and patted him on the back. He turned to me.
"You're cool," I tell him, "I shouldn't be speaking on your family matters but..."
"You're in college. You didn't have those kids. You know what I mean. It almost isn't fair that she asks you to take care of them."
He put his head down. There was more to the story then he was telling me. It was exactly why I didn't want to speak on it. I could tell he wasn't telling me now and that was ok. I had just introduced myself to this boy today.
"Life isn't fair," he said.
"Hold onto my shirt," I said.
"Hold onto my shirt...I saw this in something and I wanted to try it."
He grabbed me by my shirt and I jumped up on the ledge, leaning forward over the ledge and balancing my feet on the rail. I leaned so far forward that I couldn't see the ledge anymore. All I could see was the water.
It felt like I was flying.
I shouted "IM THE KING OF THE WORLD!"
Like an idiot, I forgot the fact that he would find it funny. His body started to vibrate and I could feel myself slipping. The rail must have been wet from the rain this morning or something.
I didn't have time to yell. I could feel myself slipping forward. I knew it would be certain death. We were too damn high. There was no one around to catch me down there. I would break into a million pieces.
Instead of falling forward, Amir's arms wrapped around me and pulled me back hard.
I fell on top of him.
"Fuck!" I shouted, still trying to catch my breath.
I hadn't even caught it when I realized Amir right underneath me and then all of a sudden it was even harder to catch my breath. Amir was so beautiful underneath me. He looked a little shocked that I almost slipped as well.
breath smelled like raspberries for whatever reason, "Don't do that again...if
this boat turns out like the Titanic, I'm blaming you son!"
I laughed and rolled off of him to get up. Damn...I had almost died. It was...it was...exciting because for the first time ever I felt alive here with Amir. He didn't know it. He didn't know what those few seconds meant to me.
"You saved my life."
"You just going to have to pay me back," he told me.
He took his hand and started brushing me off as though I had been the one who was on the floor. For a moment I felt his hand rush over my butt. It was a real manly brush, nothing to be excited about, but just to feel him do it was everything I could ever dream of. He was so damn...sweet, even in his hood ways.
"What should I give you?" I asked him.
"Anything you want," he said.
He smiled. It was almost like he had said it to me before. He was so damn perfect that it was confusing me and the thing was that he seemed to be enjoying just being up here with me alone.
think about it," I told him and looked back at the moon, "You're cool as hell,
It was a simple compliment but I smiled because I had the courage to say it.
At least someone thinks it," he explained and crossed his arms, "Everyone
thinks I'm conceited, because at times I can be a little flirt.
I mean, it doesn't mean anything.
Sometimes I don't even notice I'm doing it."
All of a sudden my smile faded. He probably wasn't making an attempt to make me feel the way I was feeling now. I felt like he was the key to my life. I wanted to let him touch me in every way possible.
I mean you are real down to earth," I explained to him, "You smile so
much. I mean...you smile all the
time. I'm just not used to that."
He shook his head, "Don't get the smiles fucked up. I'll beat someone's ass if they mess with me, but you're cool. I love making new friends."
"I just met you...and I mean, I feel something," I said to him.
I didn't mean to say it. It must have been the mood. It must have been the fact that we were out here on the ledge underneath the stars. It was like my defenses were completely down. They had went into the back and mind and were screaming to the front of my mind, "Shut the fuck up idiot!" My mouth was just going off and I couldn't help it.
"What do you mean?"
are...," I thought and then I could just hear my defenses coming back, "You are
I looked at him. That isn't what I wanted to say. I wanted to say, "You are everything I want. You are everything I need. You are the love of my life and I just met you." He stared at me back with those slanted eyes. He was a drug...god, I was addicted. He was so beautiful.
"Anyone ever tell you that you got an intense ass stare dude?" he asked, laughing slightly and breaking the stare. It was almost like he was afraid.
"Oh...tough ass guy can't take a stare?" I ask.
He took the challenge, took a few couple steps close to me. His eyes met mine and then we had begun to stare, like how we did the first time that he looked at me. He was smiling the whole time and at first laughing at this little "staring challenge" we were having.
"You can't take it," I said and took a step closer.
It was just to be closer to him. We were inches away now. It would take nothing to lean into him and kiss him. He was giving me this stare and just like the art teacher, he seemed to be piercing through my soul at that moment.
I did believe that I kept my truth in my eyes. Some people kept it in their journals, some people kept it in their diaries...some people kept their truths in their damn blogs. I kept my truth in my eyes.
I was leaning forward. It was ever so slightly. I didn't even think I was really moving. Maybe I just wanted to move forward and thought that I was. A kiss...whose to say where it would lead.
"Damn you're right," he explained.
He backed away and shook his head. It was almost like he saw something in my eyes. I stood there for a moment wanting to ask him what it was, but I didn't because I knew it probably would sound real crazy.
"Maybe, I should leave now," I say to him.
He looks back into my eyes, "Why?"
don't know. I just feel weird."
"Is it me?"
"No...it's probably the boat. I still am getting over being sea sick," I lied to him and it was almost like he looked into my eyes and could tell that I was lying.
"You sure its not me?" he asked, almost bothered.
What would it matter if was him? I didn't get it. I knew for sure I couldn't have been the first guy to hit on him. He was one of THOSE guys. He looked so good that I knew that some fag somewhere was all over him at one point in time along with a hundred other girls.
I was out of my league.
This guy looked too good. He probably knew it. His sexy face, his solid body, his fun attitude and not to mention his bad boy persona just seemed to scream "PERFECT CATCH". People probably wanted him everywhere. What made me so special? He wasn't even gay. It was so obvious. Gay boys didn't look like this. Hell...only sons of models looked like this.
Even if he happened 1/10 to be gay and did find me attractive, I would just be another notch his belt.
The eye connection was nothing but that. It was just a stare.
don't have to go, aight?" he told me, "I'm for real.
You don't have to go."
"Nawl. I should, but I'll see you around."
There was no smiles, neither between me or him. It was just stares between the two of us. Damn why the hell was this so awkward.
He gave me a stare, "See you pimp."
With that I walked away. I could feel his eyes watching me walk away.
I walked all the way to my room, getting lost on the ship several times. It was a complex ass boat. By the time I found the elevator, I was glad that I didn't have to go to school or anything tomorrow. It was late as hell.
As I walked to my room, I could see THEM in the hallway. I sighed. I didn't feel like going through this. I wanted to go in my room and analyze everything that he had said. I wanted to understand who this boy named Amir and why I had the feelings for him that I had.
Patience was of course standing in front of all of us. Her bangs covered her whole forehead. Suddenly I watched as Vince walked in front of them and walked over to me. He grabbed me by my shoulder and whispered into my ear.
"Did he do something to you?" he said.
"No. Did you tell them I was with him?" I asked.
"He sure did," Patience said giving me this mean look after obviously hearing my question for Vince, "What the hell were you thinking?"
I shook Vince's arm off me. He looked down on the ground. God, he had to get a mind of his own. At least I was making the attempt to break away from what Patience was saying. Vince just seemed to give up.
"He was with the boy earlier too," Mia ratted, adding her two cents.
"Why?" Wednesday butt in, "Chauncey, I had a conversation with that boy. He's a thug. How do you know he didn't have a knife...or a...Jesus Christ...what if he had a gun?"
were so damn uppity. Wednesday lived in her own
world. I couldn't believe it!
I replied swiftly, "He goes to college. It's not like he's not doing anything with his life. Why the hell would he have a gun?
"You going to argue?" Patience asked me, "Are you serious? I tell you to play the shit out of this boy and you spend the day disappeared with this boy? He is a class clown. He's think he's super cool. He's a failure. Is that what you want to be around, Chauncey?"
"You don't even know him."
do you. And we need to keep it like that...or do you want to be alone?
You want to make your own grades.
You want to find your own jobs.
You want to do things on your own?
What about mother?"
I knew she would say that. It was about mother. She always seemed to bring mother up. I couldn't take it when she did.
"What about mother?"
I wanted to see if she would say it in front of all her friends. She gave me the most evil stare in the world. She was going to start her usual pull about how mother wanted us out of the ghetto and that we had to work our hardest to be different from those people. It was our mother's wish and our mother was dying so we had to follow her wish.
"You know what I mean," she explained to me, "You have to be reasonable. That boy is trouble. I already know it."
"Fine," I sat but only because I'm not patient and not ready to argue all night with her.
"Good. No more of that boy. Now get some sleep, Kim is going to giving you some vocal lessons first thing in the morning."
I walked away rolling my eyes.
"I saw that," she said.
didn't care, I went in my room and when I saw Vince start to take a step toward
the door, I locked the door behind me. I
couldn't believe he had betrayed me like that.
I was so damn pissed. That was supposed to be my BEST friend.
Since when does your BEST friend rat on you
to your older sister?
Fuck Patience...I would see Amir again. I just had to figure out my emotions first. There was one thing Patience was right about. Amir was trouble.
Maybe trouble is what I needed more then anything.
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