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RUN ACROSS MY MIND
Vince had just told me my life was on the line. He had told me that Patience could have figured out my secret. It was the secret that I'd been hiding from her for all this time. She was the main person who could have known and she had cassettes with me confessing my love for my lover.
He had told me all this and the only think I could think about was...Amir.
"Damn..." I told him and turned to Vince, "I'll have to think about something we can do...I'll deal with it in the morning."
He seemed weird as he stood next to me near the door. The girls had gone back to their rooms to reorder their things, but Ethan was still there picking up his fiancée's valuables. Ethan gave us a suspicious look that made Vince come closer to me so that he could whisper his words in security that Ethan definitely wasn't hearing us.
"In the morning?" he asked, "You might not have until the morning. Let me in, we'll figure out something...together."
He stressed the words together. I noticed it and he had noticed it too. Ethan was always there for me. Sometimes when he spoke to me I did feel something...it was something deeper then just friendship, but I couldn't give up my faith. It seemed FATE itself said that I needed to know what was going on with Amir.
"Yeah...she won't do that."
I didn't know who I was trying to convince, Ethan or myself. I didn't have time to deal with this right now...Amir liked me. HE LIKED ME. That was all that mattered. It was the greatest feeling ever.
He seemed so unsure, "Chauncey..."
"Everything will be fine."
Maybe it was about time that Patience found out about me. I mean...what could she do to me? She couldn't have me kidnapped...I was her little brother. She was powerless...wasn't she?
I walked into my door and watched Ethan's eyes one last time. There was this sense of longing for me as I closed the door behind him. The longing had always been there since I found out he had feelings for me, but it seemed now it was getting stronger. I could feel the essence of longing all over him. It was kind of strange.
I closed the door and locked it behind me.
I took a deep breath...my plan had worked. I'd been around these people long enough to know how to trick them a time or two. Their perfection was also their weakness. They all figured after all this time I would just be as perfect as them.
No...no more...I was growing. I was being...bad.
"Is it safe?" I heard a voice whisper.
I made my way to the bed and sat on it, "Yeah...come on out."
I watched as Jr. was the first to get out from underneath the bed. He looked out the peephole and suspected it carefully.
are out there...damn..."
"They are probably going to be on their guard for the rest of the night," I explained to him, "It would be real weird if someone heard the elevator stop on the floor this time."
The elevator always made this loud ass ding that announced it stopping at the floor. There were stairs, but they were on the other side of the damn floor. They'd have to cross everyone's room to get there.
"We'll just crash here tonight," Amir said as he walked out, sexy as though it was the first time I'd ever seen him, "If that's ok with you."
Damn it was more than ok if he crashed here. I looked at Jr. Honestly I didn't want him to be there. Jr. was cool and everything but I really just wanted Amir to stay the night. I would have told him about the staircase and asked if he wanted to risk it, but I felt like Amir would probably go with him...which was horrible.
Amir just stared at me from across the room while Jr. paced nervously. Amir was something of a piece of art. His eyes were so pretty and he had a way of looking at me, then licking his lips with this sense of seduction that drove me wild.
"Damn...this is crazy," Jr. explained and then stood for a moment, "The boy...the boy Patience is marrying...he saw us."
saw you what?"
"He must have been late or something. He was taking the elevator down and when he got to the ground floor he watched as he took the elevator up."
Amir looked at him with a weird look, "Relax Jr. You worry too much. Is that all you do? We could have been taking it to any one of the floors. There's like 8."
"They are going to find out it was us!"
never should have let you convince you into doing this..."
It had surprised me to hear Jr. say that. My mouth dropped a little bit and I smiled with surprise. Why the hell would Amir have done that? Patience had messed with Jr. and Pony. It should be Pony up here instead of Amir. Why had Amir been the one to push for this little prank they had pulled.
Amir looked over at me, "I had my reasons."
Jr. walked between us looking from me back to Amir, with that same grossed out look on his face that he had when he saw us kiss, "Is this about him?"
Amir got quiet and then a smile spread out across his face. Jr.'s flung his hands in the air and begun to walk back and forth. That boy really was a nervous wreck. He wasn't the only one a little surprised. I was as well.
"How did this have to do with me?" I asked Amir.
Amir licked his lips and bit them, gently, almost seductively, "I couldn't let some other nigga kiss all over you."
"I don't need to hear this!" Jr. said and put his hands over his ears.
Jr. really was disgusted. Amir seemed to like it actually. He found it kind of funny actually. He started to laugh. Jr. probably had no idea that he would be stuck with a gay roommate when he came to the boat.
we should do this in private."
Jr. looked over me and bowed, "Thanks! Please talk some sense into him."
took a step over to me. He was licking his lips the entire time.
His eyes were piercing through me.
He was rubbing his stomach.
I could see his hard abs through the tight wifebeater that he had on.
"What's wrong...I like you. Why can't I show it?" he explained.
It turned me on. It wasn't even the fact that he was sexy. He'd always was sexy. He looked at me at that moment like I was something he just wanted to eat up. It wasn't about that. It was the fact that he didn't care that Jr. was there. He could have cared less.
"Jr. is here..."
Jr. smiled at me, "You know I like Chauncey. He saved my ass for the fifteenth time and now he is saving my eyes. I don't need to see two guys kissing."
Amir just gave him a stronger look, "Jr. quit the bullshit. You know I liked him," he explained and then turned to address me, "Chauncey he knew I liked you before I even did. He'd caught me saying your name in my sleep."
"Are you serious?"
I was laughing. I was laughing hysterically. Amir smiled but I could tell he was embarrassed and probably wanted to take back saying that. When was it normal to start saying your loved ones name in your sleep?
Jr. finally broke out into a smile at first too, "He's serious. I kept trying to convince him that he was gay. I mean, he kept trying to deny it. I mean...it's cool. I didn't like it at first cause I thought you were an ass, but now that I know you...I'm glad that he's gay with the right person. Just can you guys not be gay...not in front of me...please."
By the end of talking he was actually laughing. Jr. had known this whole time that Amir had a thing for me? He hadn't acted like it. Amir was even more embarrassed as he shot out, "I still don't know if I'm gay...I just know what I like."
He shot me a stare that would have made a nun change her faith.
"That's what he kept saying," Jr. explained, "I let him believe what he believe, but I knew he was gay. I didn't believe you were gay though Chauncey. If I'd have known I would have been set you guys up. I mean I don't know much about guys liking guys, but I suppose you two would be cool if it HAD to happen."
We sat there talking lowly in the darkness for a least an hour more. Jr. made a couple little gay jokes that did seem a little offensive, but then Jr. probably wasn't used to the whole gay thing. Amir didn't seem a whole lot used to it too. He spent the whole time denying he was gay in any sense of the form. At a time or two, he even acted as though the whole thing was disgusting to him.
"You guys think its going to be easy. You need to decide whose the guy and whose the girl? Whose going to get fucked?" Jr. had asked.
"I'm not getting fucked," Amir said and made the most repulsed face that made even him, reborn Adonis look unattractive, "I'm a guy. That's that gay shit...why do you care anyway."
Jr. seemed not to be irritated by just talking. It was the show of affection that he didn't like. That wasn't weird to me though. Jr. was straight. He was supposed to act like that when he saw two guys kiss for probably the first time (not talking about the shit he probably saw on MTV).
"I mean...if you have sex with a guy...no matter what you do...it's gay," I explained, "Top or bottom."
"Is that what you guys call it?" Jr. asked with a smile. He was so amused by it. I was actually amused that he was interested. It showed a step forward to actually accepting it.
"Yea, that's what we call it."
"Naw, not we Chauncey, we aren't a part of THEM. Me and you are different. We not gay, we on some other shit," he explained giving me another sexy smile, "You know what I mean? We are just kind of...special."
The weird thing about all of it was he wasn't joking. He was dead serious. I couldn't believe it. He really would not admit to being gay no matter how you brought up the argument.
Jr. laughed on the bed, "Guy...when you are having sex with someone who had a package, then that's gay. Period."
us...we are different."
He wouldn't have given up even if we tag teamed him all night. Jr. was making a joke of it, but it was slightly kind of serious to me. It made me feel insecure to know that he didn't even consider himself gay. It was almost like he was saying that I was just a `thing' he was going through. How would I know he would still be attracted to me tomorrow? Sometimes I felt like chicken and sometimes I didn't. Was it something like that? He'd gotten bored of girls and wanted to try something new.
I did tell Jr. to leave it alone though. It was pointless to just sit there and argue with someone who wouldn't admit they were gay, bisexual or even curious for that matter.
"I'm straight...I just like Chauncey."
That is all Amir kept saying all night. He sounded like a record that kept replaying itself over and over.
Two more hours had passed. Jr. had fallen asleep first and I was kind of glad. He was actually an interesting person to have around. He was the typical "straight" guy. He burped without saying excuse me, scratched himself in the weirdest places and didn't give a damn that he wasn't the most attractive guy in the world. He was real though. I like that about him. Still I wanted to just have a feeling that Amir and I were...even if it was just mentally...alone.
It really bothered me that he was acting like that and I wanted to see if it was just in front of Jr. or if he was really that confused in his mind that he felt like he was straight.
He laid down in the bed and whispered over to me.
"You going to come lay down with me, baby?" he asked me.
I looked over at him. His arm was stretched out. God...he had seduced me from hell and back. He was just so perfect and yet I was just so...afraid.
"I mean, I can call you baby right?"
I smiled. The hesitation slowly was lowering away as I looked into my eyes and he asked that question. I climbed into the bed. I was surprised when he shoved me in the middle between him and Jr. The bed was big...it was big enough that we could all fit comfortably without much bumping.
"You sure that's what you want to call me?" I asked him, realizing that I had completely killed the mood as I did it.
He looked a little irritated by the question, "Why would you ask me that?"
"You keep pretending to be straight for Jr. I don't get it. I mean, he knows about us already. He's known about you for a while now. If he was going to say something, then he would have said it by now.
We were lying next to each other and our heads were close to each other. I could feel his breath as he spoke. My hand dared to reach over and touch his bicep...it was hard with muscle, but the skin itself was so soft and touchable.
wasn't for him," he explained, "You'll learn that about me.
I am not here to please anyone but myself...and now that you are in my life...you as well..."
"So why are you still stressing this whole gay thing?"
"I don't know what else to say. I'm straight."
God...he wasn't going to let this whole thing up. I thought for a moment that maybe him liking me for now was good enough. I mean this is my dream boy. If he walked away right now, I could say...damn, he used to like me!
I could be comfortable knowing that he was once attracted to me. Once we almost had it all...but then again, I didn't want it to end. I wanted something beautiful to be built. I wanted him to be everything to me besides a charming personality and dashing good looks.
"It makes me feel like a phase?"
He looked out my face and let out an "Aw...don't frown baby," he told me and then added, "You realize I called all those girls I've been with sweetie. I used to say sweetie because I used to mess up on their names. I used to confuse one for another. I could never do that with you. Baby...I know what I look like. I know that I've gotten a couple girls in my time. I broke a couple hearts."
He was saying the same words that I'd been thinking this whole time. How could someone so in touch with who he really was not know what was the most obvious part? If he liked me...that made him gay, just like Jr. said.
Amir continued but his hands moved from his side to my face. He touched every part of my face. He was rubbing my cheeks, then moved to my lips and then moved to my forehead.
"If it was anyone else...I would say not to trust me. I'm a truthful person. They'd be smart to watch their heart before I broke it. I am truthful when I tell you'd be smart to trust me...cause I'm not going to PLAY you!"
He seemed to know everything that I needed to hear. He was looking at me hard as he promised me in those words.
"You're not even gay though..."
I believed him now. He was truthful like he said.
"I know it doesn't make sense, but I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not gay. I'm straight by all definitions except you. I can't even get hard to another guy...but look..."
He took my hand is his hand.
My heart raced as he slowly moved my hand down and down. I noticed him smiling to how shy I was when he was doing it. I had stopped looking at him and was biting hard at my lip, not in the sexy way that he did, but in a nervous way.
"Oh wow..." I said.
He had put my hand on his dick. He definitely was hard. He had put it inside his basketball shorts. I could feel skin and the warmth of privates all around my hand. My hand seemed like it was sweating from nervousness. I was taking deep breaths. His dick was so hard and stiff. It was long...but the thickness was what really got me. It was an incredibly thick shaft and as my hand went further towards his head I realized that the head was even thicker. It was beautiful. It was magical.
I left my hand there even as he talked. His hand was on talk of mine. Before I knew it was looking in his eyes and giving him soft gentle strokes. He was very sensitive...as I did it, I could his voice cracking up and him taking deep breaths.
"I know you shouldn't trust me, but forget what your mind is saying...base everything on what you feel. That is why I say I'm not gay. Everything in my mind is saying that I'm not. I never loved anything more then a pussy until now. I fucking LOVE how you are touching me!"
He had gotten a little loud from excitement, but I hushed him as Jr. made a little turning noise. He made a complete turn on the bed. We waited for about a minute, before I slowly began to jerk him off again.
He stopped me jerking him before saying, "Wait...I want to know something..."
"Will you be my boyfriend? I mean, would you mind dating a straight boy?"
I almost melted. Maybe it was going to take him a while to come to terms with who he was. Maybe he really didn't think he was gay...but by him asking me that, it just made me feel like I wasn't phase.
It made me feel ... important to him and just not another notch on his belt.
We looked each other in our eyes. It was beautiful just doing this. He had leaned over to kiss me, but we realized that everytime our lips parted there was a loud smack that would probably have disturbed Jr. That was when we had opened our mouths and just pressed up against each other without pulling away. His dick was as muscular and shaped as the rest of his body. It seemed to have taken command of my hand. It demanded more attention and more effort. As I jacked it, it twitched on its own lifting and gyrating without Amir moving at all. His dick had a personality of its own. I wanted to go down on him and feel what his thick dick tasted like. I wanted him to play with mine but was much too shy to pull it out with Jr. sleeping right on my left.
"Uh...baby...uh..." he said.
I could tell he was coming close to climax, because I had started to jerk him off faster and his whole entire began to shake in this almost spasm like way. His mouth had dropped open and I could tell he was about to cum.
"Dammit, I'm awake," Jr. muffled through his pillow, "Can't you guys wait one night?"
It was too late.
Amir was looking into my eyes with this ferociousness that seemed almost like an animals. His hips had shoved into my palm, unloading what seemed like a bucket full of cum. The cum shot into my cupped hand.
Jr. let out the biggest grunt ever and added a couple of curse words. He remained cursing, putting the pillow over his head but clearly too tired to do much of anything else...plus it was kind of obvious that we had finished.
Amir sat there laughing as he gave me one loud kiss before I got up to clean my palm.
He's stayed awake until I came back and then when I came back he put his hand around me and we fell asleep as though we'd recreated heaven from scratch.
Amir and Jr. had snuck away in the morning.
were officially back on sails and our next stop was
I wasn't too concerned with it though. I was thinking about Patience and the tape. I was sure they probably would have got away if they left real early in the morning when everyone was asleep. It wasn't until I heard arguing the hallway that I knew that someone had caught them. Fuck, I had forgotten that Vince and Ethan woke up around this time. They'd always woken up before daylight broke to go to the gym and work out.
I opened the door to see Vince dropping his back and balling his fist. He wasn't much of a talker, but I knew if he was given the chance that he would have been hitting one of them. Fuck...I prayed this wouldn't turn into a mess.
"We don't want no problems," Jr. explained, putting his arms up and swinging them like they were white flags.
"Fuck that Jr. These niggas ain't going to do shit," Amir had said as he watched Vince cracked his knuckles.
Amir may have had a pretty boy, but he didn't act like one. He seemed to be humbled by his looks. I didn't understand how someone so beautiful could want to fight, let along want to fight Ethan and Vince...brothers who were damn near 12 or 13 feet together.
"What the hell is going on?" I asked as I walked out the door.
Ethan got up and looked at him, "We're about to set these want-to-be thugs straight. Since when is ghetto trash seen in the luxury suites?"
"Chauncey, go back into your room," Vince had ordered me and pointed a finger at my door, "Hurry up."
What the hell was I? Did he think I was some kind of little ass kid? I went and stood next to Amir. Is this what they got up on? They wouldn't even let people be on the same floor as them. Ethan's disgruntled voice kept rolling in my head. Ghetto trash. He didn't even understand that his fucking fiancée was from the damn ghetto.
"No," I explained, "These guys were up here...they were up here to clean up a little bit. Patience had done them a favor by letting them off the hook for some drug charges and they told me they wanted to surprise her."
There was silence.
Everyone had stared at me, but their faces were different. Amir gave me a bothered look. Jr. gave me a thankful look. Ethan had a somewhat understanding look. Vince's stare was the most potent though. He was not convinced.
"Oh," Ethan explained, "Oh...they are the Help? Well, what are you guys standing around for? The broom is near the elevators. Come on bro...let's leave them to their work."
He walked back into his room and I saw Jr. pulling me behind him. Vince and Amir just stood there as though their feet were rooted into the ground for a little while. They were staring each other down...they both stared at me for a moment before finally walking away from the scene.
I couldn't focus in Calculus 2. It was the first day that I wasn't taking notes and asking questions. I didn't even know what topic was going on in class. All I kept thinking about was Patience and the tape.
I'd thought for a second that I didn't mind her seeing the tape but I did. She intimidated me more than anyone in my life. What would she do if she knew about it?
She may tell
Mother. What would my mother think?
It would kill her. How could I live with knowing that my dying mother was dead
due to disappointment.
was I going to do?
Class had ended and almost like my karma, I saw Patience standing there at the end of my class with a look on her face that showed how pissed she really was. Wednesday and Mia were at her side, looking as clueless and pretty as they usually did.
I saw her lips moving and knew she had told them to go away when they disappeared. Shit, this was important. Patience never told them to go away unless she had was mad as hell.
Had she heard the tapes?
"You think you're smart aren't you?" she asked.
"What do you mean?"
I was playing stupid. At a time like this I didn't know what else to do but play stupid. The look she was giving me seemed so intimidating. She had no idea what she was doing to me as she looked at me with that dispelling stare of hers.
Fuck...she knew...she knew!
"Listen...attraction can't be helped!" I told her, finally feeling this sensation to defend myself, "You like who you like and that all there is to it Patience!"
She wasn't amused. I could see her tapping her foot. She had pulled something out of her pocket. Was she about to show me the tape? No...she had pulled the letter from the Amir to Mia.
"You think this can't be helped?" she asked, "You knew that Mia had feelings for that boy didn't you? Admit it...she told me you told her."
She didn't know I was gay...this was bout Mia? A feeling of relief swept over me but quickly it was replaced by a feeling of irritation. Why would Mia tell her about that? Mia was so weak...it was kind of annoying.
"I mean yeah."
"You didn't tell me. This is important. Mia is a fool for boys. This had to be dealt with. Now look at her...she was embarrassed by a...a...nobody! He's trash! He just so happens to be some good looking trash. This reflects on all of us! ALL OF US! What if this gets out? What will people think about us? Some average guys turns one of US down."
She was pissed. She was beyond pissed. How could this affect the rest of us? She really did think we were Olympian Gods, didn't she?
She was looking at me, with this whole `what do you have to say for yourself' look written all over her face.
She gave me this real shady look. She had probably expected a little bit more of a fight in me. I hadn't been so obedient since I had gotten on the ship. Her angry face lifted into a more tolerant one.
"Hm...alright," she said, clearly surprised at my apology, "Well, next time you tell me of these things. Now I'm going to have to deal with this boy before word gets out."
"What do you mean?"
"You'll see when it happens. Get to study hall...I heard you got a B in Microeconomics. B's are unacceptable."
I wonder which of her many spies told her that I got a B. It didn't matter though. I would always be watched. I was Patience's little sister. She walked away, not saying a goodbye or anything. It was the usual Patience, with her tall stature and Queenish demeanor. I could expect nothing less.
She was after Amir though...that bothered me.
I was finally Amir's boyfriend...we hadn't spent any REAL alone time, but he had made it official with me. It felt good to know that it had happened. I felt really good to know that it had happened.
My last class of the day was over and Amir was standing right there waiting for me with a smile on his face. I couldn't help but to smile back. He grabbed my books out of my hand and shoved it into his bookbag without even asked it. I found the gesture so cute. He was doing it like he'd done it a million times before.
Amir smiled at me, "You have a good day?"
I could get used to seeing his bright face outside my last class everyday. I could get used to having him smile at me with the widest smile I'd ever known.
"It was great, everything was fine besides the fact that Patience officially has it out for you because of that whole thing with Mia."
He laughed a little bit.
"Can't nobody do anything to me, as long as we're together, that's all that matters."
It was sweet. It was real sweet and some girl I saw Patience talking to sometimes walked by and heard it. What if she told Patience?
He didn't seem too worried as he put his hand over me. I could see people looking at us as his hand went over my shoulder, in this very possessive way. At first it was like two guys would do it, but then he leaned his head over to me.
I wanted so much to get comfortable.
I wanted so much to just let go...but I couldn't...people were walking past us and I just felt this weird...discomfort.
"Hey, Amir, what's going on?"
He stopped for a moment, "What's wrong baby? I figured we would just go see the guys...play a game of volleyball."
He had just called me baby! A few people walked past as he called me baby. They gave him a weird stare and then started to whisper amongst each other.
I grabbed him by his hand and pulled him into the bathroom.
He was smiling as though I was about to do something freaky or something, but I was kind of...kind of upset. I didn't know why but I was.
"Amir...you aren't being really discreet," I told him and looked around, "People don't know about you...they don't know about me."
He paused, "I thought you had a problem with me not being who I was. I told you even though I'm not gay, I still like you. Did you think I was saying it just cause I cared what other people think? I'm...dl...but I just want to show affection to you."
He was right.
I knew he was right and I was wrong, but I was just so afraid.
I wanted to touch him all the time and hold his hands even more than he wanted to hold mine. This was a fairytale that I was Amir's boyfriend. All these girls wanted him and they were nothing but a bootycall... IF that. I had the title that so many of them wanted. I cared about him too...it was deeper than all that.
"Amir, I can't do that...you don't understand."
"What don't I understand?" he argued with me, getting real strung up about the situation, "I care about you. I'm not going to go around pretending like I don't. Maybe if you were just any other new person I would...but I feel...I feel like you're my soulmate."
My heart seized.
My body got real warm inside. I'd never thought I'd ever hear someone say that to me. It seemed like the most beautiful words ever spoken. I was speechless.
"I feel like that too."
He held my hands when I said that. He held both of them. He held them tight.
"I wanted to tell you that for a long time, but I don't want to scare you away," he told me with these charming words that swept me off my feet, "I feel like you're my soulmate. I'm serious and I don't care who knows. You are THAT serious."
"Amir, I feel the same. But what about Patience?"
He'd seen some of the things she was capable of. If she was that upset about him and Mia...I could only imagine how upset she would be about him and her little brother if or, should I say, when she found out.
"You don't have to be afraid with Patience, not when I'm here."
I didn't disagree with him. I just followed up his kinds words with a gentle kiss. Just like that I'd agreed to show him love whenever he needed. I owed him that much.
We left the bathroom...
No we didn't just leave. We stormed out the bathroom...two grown men, two masculine men...two men that no one would probably suspect would be the way we were...holding hands.
God...I had to be in love. I wouldn't tell him yet of course but I knew love was the only thing that could make me forget all my bars.
Amir was teaching me freedom.