I met Jason in a Wilson Philips website, so he'd said. Up to now, I don't whether signing that guest book is the biggest mistake I ever had or the wisest decision, not that I had known what would have happened either ways. "Hi! I saw u in the Wilson Philips guest book," he had said in his email. He had also wanted for us to be correspondents, since we both loved same music group. And probably because we were the lone Filipinos there in the site, maybe he had gathered from my email addy suffix. Ok, I thought. I wrote a few words of reply. Thank you and stuff like that.
It had been a month that I had neither visited nor checked my email. Well, I just did not happen to be one of those computer buffs. Was content on surfing Billboard Top100, Wilson Philips, Tennis stuff, my sport, some shits like that. So when I opened my emails, it had not surprised me to find my inbox filled with mails. Eight emails must have come from Jason, which mostly were greetings except for one. "Hey, let's go out some time or maybe chat on the phone," he had written. He had given me some three numbers one of which one had been of a cellular phone. I took the numbers. Till now, I don't think he ever had wanted anything more than mere friendship at that point in time. And friendship it had been.
Calling him, I did after some weeks. I dialed the landline number only to find out he had been out. Then I tried the cell. A few rings then I hung up. What could it be that I wanted to say that couldn't wait till he gets home? I thought. But when I had decided the call could wait, the phone rang and it was him.
"Yes, hello? I think you called my number?"
"Yup! I did. Is this Jason?"
"Uh-huh. Do I know you?"
"You gave me your number in your email." I was testing whether it had been a habit of him. Or if he'd been plastering his number everywhere that he wouldn't know to whom he had given it to. But he had exclaimed my name. "Well, don't you think it was about time you called?" giving light chuckle. "Hey, I'm driving but I'm on my way home. Can I call you in 10 minutes?"
He had called after 7 minutes. The thought had not excited me that time, he was just a friend that was all. No one to fool the imagination with,... Or imagined myself liking. I would always need proof of a relationship before I'd admit it. Not sex, silly. But words and touch. The way looks are made. The smiles. The grin. The twinkle of the eye. And for course, the beat of the heart. I'm romantic as you may call it. But not unrealistic. And not unpractical.
It had been some minutes before 10 in the evening. We practically talked about anything and everything. Not only Wilson Philips. We chatted about family, school, friends, and achievements. But there had been one thing we had not talked about. Sex and girls, funny! He was by the way 22 and 2 years my senior at that time. By now, he would be turning 25. He was through with school and had been handling some of his Dad's businesses. He would want to continue on to med school as soon as an opportunity opened up.
I would say, that I had enjoyed talking with him. It was just that I yawned that he realized that it had been 5 in the morning! Luckily, I did not have to go to school and had slept till around noon when my brother told me that a Jason had just called. Didn't he ever sleep? I thought.
During almost a year, talking to him had been the most natural thing in the world. I could tell him anything however silly. He had been a friend. A very close friend who knew almost everything about me. I told him about this certain guy in school named Victor whom I carried a huge crush for. It did not seem to bother him. He had been curious at first but he started to seem annoyed with the subject and would just keep quiet till I had finished talking about cute Victor. Maybe he'd got the message that I was not straight.
Well, Victor was another thing. A model of some commercial, he'd been a classmate who had been extra sweet. He'd drink on the bottle I'd drunk on without a straw which I thought to be too intimate. And he'd always borrow my notes even if it had not been a complete one. He'd called me once I didn't know whence he got my number. Stupid, of course from the batch directory. And he was more excited when I told him I was going to buy a Playstation. He even accompanied me to the store. Oh, but maybe it had just been all in my mind. Good ol' hunky Victor. I felt guilty `coz I know he saw me as a friend. And in my book, friends are kept as friends.
Whenever I'd tell Jason my day, which included Victor, he'd just keep quiet. And he'd open up a new subject. But I had not seen him yet at that time. He'd always invite me to go out, or meet at school. But I'd always back out. Something had supposedly come up that would unable me to go, shit like that. I had no idea what it had been but I had just gotten conscious that our friendship had been going so well over the phone…I had thought that doing otherwise would ruined it. Crazy.
One thing he had convinced me of was buying a cell, which I did. And it just completely transformed the way our friendship went. I had enjoyed talking to him every night. I had thought of him as a best friend whose soul had been very much intertwined with mine, not in the romantic sense. I had not thought of him as a lover but a very special soul. He had said soul mate. And I agreed, yes, he had been some kind of a soul mate. But we had not yet met each other in person. And the day I got my cellular phone, our conversations every night turned into every time he felt like calling. Am not rich, so I had kept my limit of calls. But he had seemed so oblivious to that matter. He seemed to speak his mind through the cell with me on the other line. Sometimes, I'd just cancel his call, bad of me. I remember there had been many times I would tell my brother to tell him I was out. Only for him to try my cell. And when I had been studying for some exams, I would tell him "I'm sorry but can I talk to you some other time? Am busy studying for a test." Surely he would understand, I had told myself.
And every morning, he would never miss a "Good morning! Rise and shine!" through text. It had supposed to be endearing, but I had been annoyed `coz it was 6 in the morning. It was same thing every noon and afternoon. "What are you having for lunch?" he would usually ask.
"Who's that?" one of my girl classmates had noticed his regular calls and texts. Well, she knows about me.
"Oh, a friend."
"Guy? Or girl?"
"Really? I don't think he was ever mentioned before? Don't you think he's too sweet for a friend?" she grinned. "Good morning? Good afternoon? Where are you now? What are you doing? Some friend, huh?"
I went crimson, and all those sweet stuff he had been doing just flashed through my mind. "Yeah, right. He's a very close friend. Oh, you'd like to meet him? I mean a date?"
That night I told him if he'd want to date my friend. He had refused and told me that he was already reserved for someone special. Really, I thought.
"Maybe my cousin would like to. Tell her he's cute."
And it was my turn to flirt, which he had gotten used to - knowing they were harmless taunts. "Oh yeah? He's really cute? Can I meet him?" I asked him sweetly. Of course, I was just provoking a reaction from him without contemplating the real reason why.
"Yeah, he's cute alright. But not near as cute as I am." He chuckled.
"Shut up. So do tell me about this cousin of yours." I was really being playful.
"Huh? What about me?" He can be such a baby sometimes.
I don't but at that certain point my heart just stopped beating and my mind got confused. Now he has the upper hand, I thought. "What do you mean you?" I stuttered.
"Or maybe you want to tell me something. Tell me now. C'mon let's have it out. You'll only have to say the words. I won't have any problem about it, I assure you. Maybe, it's you who's got a problem about it."
"Think about it." God, he was dead serious. And there was all tension in the air. Blood was pounding to my head. I was never one who presumes, but what the hell does he mean, I asked myself. Well the days had gone by pretty normal. We got back to that light atmosphere. We averaged about less than a hundred texts a day. I was like Big Bert and he was Snuffulafugus. I guess it was at that point that I knew that what I felt for him was not anymore platonic...I was just damned too comfortable with him that I had not taken the idea that seriously.
He would often joke about turning up from nowhere and surprising me. Well, he did just that. He had timed it to be in my school at lunch break when he called. He phoned and asked as usual where I'd be having lunch. I did not have any suspicions, well he'd always ask me about such things. Sometimes I also did. I had told him we were going to have lunch at McDonald's just beside school just a quick bite then I'd be off to go home. It was not an interrogation of sorts like someone reporting his actions. I guess it had been an endearment.
"Jason, can't talk now. I am having lunch!"
"Oh, ok." Well I knew for a fact, that it was not.
"What's up, anyway?" I couldn't resist him. He was my best friend and I was just among college classmates.
"Was just going to ask you to move to this table."
"Ha? What are you saying?"
I looked up and there was this guy, wearing a bull cap with a goatie, standing from his seat talking on the cell, who seemed to have been looking across the restaurant for someone. It must have been the colors of our cell that gave us away. It was then our eyes met.
"Gotcha." I heard from the phone. And the guy had just grinned at me and returned to sitting.
I was at a loss for words. Had it been him? I mean, Jason? What trouble he went to just to go here? Well, I thought to myself, I couldn't delay it forever. But it had been so unfair! I could at least been given time to prepare for it. So I excused myself from some friends and classmates and went over to the table with my tray. I had sat but couldn't look at him straight `coz my face felt so hot. And he was at the opposite chair giggling as if he really found it so amusing to look at me all flushed, embarrassed, off guarded, and stuff.
"So, it's Jason, right?" I finally came round to asking him.
And he giggled all the more. "Why so formal? I can even tell you what time you took a bath this morning, what time you went to sleep last night, who you were talking to." He really was having so much fun at my expense. "Do you know that this branch I think is the only one left that serve milkshakes? McDonald's everywhere don't serve milkshakes anymore. Can I have a bite on your burger?"
"You can have it. I'll just munch on the fries."
"I spoiled your appetite?" He looked worriedly.
"No, it's just I've had too much excitement." I giggled this time.
"Excitement, huh? Ok, I'll take your burger only if you take my shake, ok?"
He always had a way to lighten up the conversation. And at this point I relaxed. He's got brown eyes, actually there are some shades of green in them. He's got a nice face. Well he had not really been kidding when he said that he was cute. Well he was. But I think his real asset was his perfect set of white teeth. He was about six feet, I think. He felt so much bigger than me. Bulky too. All those gym work I had thought was because he had some
flab. Well, obviously there were none. God, have I been talking to this beautiful guy for almost a year every night? The thought made my pulse racing. Actually, I never cared what he'd look like. He'd been the nicest guy I ever knew and I didn't think looks could figure in it.
"Problem?" He inquired.
"No, none at all." I added.
"Oh, I almost forgot. I got something for you." He grinned. And produced a CD from one his pants' pouches. He was into CDs and stuff and had compiled my favorite songs - mushy, pop, R&B, rock - into one disc.
"Oh, thanks!" I said, "Well, now, I'm glad you turned up!" I joked.
"So, what are doing in this area?" I asked stupidly.
"But I came here to meet you. It's bound to happen, anyway." He had looked surprised yet amused. "We're going to the mall, afterwards."
"Oh yeah, you're meeting with friends?"
"I'll be with a special friend." He grinned.
I felt cheated. How could there be someone closer to him when it had been me all the time? I asked myself. "You sly one, you! You never told me you were seeing someone!" I giggled. I didn't know what I had been feeling at that time - curious or jealous?
"Nah…So are you ready? Let's go?"
"I did say we were going to the mall right?"
"But…you said…" I was confused.
"Oh, c'mon…" He beamed. Then he chuckled as we went out.
"You really think it's funny, huh?"
"Very…you should have seen the look on your face!" And now he was really laughing. And I joined him then. Well, at least, it was same ol' Jason - funny Jason, bossy, spoiled-brat Jason - who always got his way.
We had watched a movie, ate, listened to CDs and stuff. I had felt so comfortable with him and yet when I thought how charming he could be, I'd suddenly feel awkward. He was handsome, all right. But it had not been it. It was how he showed me how fun he was having while I was around. How alive he was while he had been with me. There were times when he could be insensitive to what I had been saying on the phone and would stick to his opinion. And yet he could be so sensitive in some ways. We had just laughed and teased. I also had my share of humor for him to contend with. I did not know I had loved him then. What was happening between us at that time, I had not known yet. What I had known was, we were truly special friends.
It had been 12:30 when we finally came to the where his car had been parked. It had been on the 3rd level parking area. I did not know about him, but I was feeling awkward. The area was almost empty and dim. I was thinking of saying, "Just drop me off as soon as we got out of the mall, I'll just get a taxi home - that I'd be alright, honestly". Just then he picked up my hand and a thousand volts jolted me into attention, or was it distraction?
"Jason, I don't what you think of me…" my words trailed off as he linked his fingers into mine. For heaven's sakes, I did all I could to see him as a friend. I would always change the subject when he would begin to flirt. But, I could not deny anymore what was happening.
And he just smiled so warmly.
How could you do this, I was accusing him in my mind. I would never know how to face you after this. How could I not love you, when you'd bug me day and night, if not through the phone or text, through the cell. And I kept them all inside me, `coz I have better sense that being your friend is all I could ever ask for. At least friendship will last longer. How could I not love you, when even I'd say I'm busy, you don't get mad, but would still bug me. A few minutes talking and everything will be fine, and you'd let me go back to studying. I had not told a soul about you and how special you are to me. But all the same, I love you.
And we were kissing. It had been so gentle, as if testing. We were sure I would not resist. He had been running his tongue along my lips, then inside, and then sucking my lips - nibbling them between his teeth. At this point, I was still thinking of so many things. But when he turned to kiss me along my neck - I got lost and forgot everything but him.
I had felt so deprived when he broke of - heaving and panting for breath. He had just looked at me hard and smiled and then chuckled.
"Look just what you did…' And he squeezed his crotch. I could definitely tell he had been so aroused. And he grabbed my hand and let it replace his. I quickly pulled it back. Not here in the car. Yes, I wanted him so much. And there was no turning back.
"Ok, it's a good time than any to taste what you had been bragging about." He said grinning from ear to ear.
"Which is?" I asked nervously. Chrissakes! I am still trembling, ok? I wanted to shout at him.
He winked. "You don't have an idea?" He moved closer again and gave me a smack. "Coffee…you'd always give me a run-down how you make your coffee…how your Dad loves your coffee…don't you think I deserve it?"
"Coffee…" I breathed, as if still mesmerized. "Yeah… ok… no problem…" I did not feel I was still in the real world.
I had been feeling so awkward when we went straight to my room. People in the house would find it strange if I did not bring a friend to my room. That's where my friends usually go straight to. At least in a friend's room, one would be less inhibited. So I occupied him with some conversation and offered if he'd wanted to play his new CDs. I relaxed as Jason took the CDs out and started listening. We talked about the charts and stuff… one of the music was Sugar Ray's first album, which had been a flop. I momentarily forgot what had happened in the car. I showed him some old CDs in my stock. I sat at the foot of the
bed my back to him while he was sitting. I was just blabbing about something when I remembered the coffee. It was already a quarter to 2.
"Hey, I forgot about the cof - " I was not allowed to finish because I quickly felt warm breath on my nape and then came his lips trailing kisses across it. It stunned me and kept me from moving. My mind kept on telling me, He's the wrong guy! He'd just hate you afterwards! But I faced him, just then that his weight pinned me down to the carpeted floor. He was plundering me with hungry kisses. So heavy was he on top of me that kissing him was all I did to breathe. I slid my hands underneath his shirt and ran them across his back. It was then that he shuddered nipped my ear. He had been breathing so hard in the crook of my neck, while his hands were busy unbuttoning his pants. He captured my hand and then slid it inside his underwear. Oh my, I could drive him wild like this? The thought intensified my desire for him so much. He had unbuttoned his shirt and lifted my shirt so that his chest was pressed warmly onto mine. His legs were scrambling to get the pants off until what was left was his underwear. The skimpy thing couldn't anymore contain his throbbing shaft.
I planted kisses across his chiseled but very stocky chest. I toyed my tongue around his nipples which sent him reeling. He later told me that no body had ever sucked on his nipples before. He was still on top, as I slowly kissed my way down his waist gradually pushing the skimpy thing down. In one swooping motion, I had him inside my mouth. Just as deep as I could get. But I could only go as far. How I wished I could have it wholly inside. Yet, it did not stop a moan from escaping his sharp intake of breath.
He turned to lie on his back, his underwear now completely off him. He hands had cupped my shoulders as I was moving up and down. He seemed to be in such an unmasked pleasure. I could smell his body oozing with a smell I couldn't distinguish, but knew for sure, was distinctly his. His whole body spread onto the floor all tanned, a bit hairy across the legs and forearms, all fired me up as I make that dive.
He was coming, I could tell. Then suddenly, he cupped my head and pushed his hips. He was still. I had almost all of him inside my mouth. I dared not to breathe. I might choke. He came straight to my throat.
He had seemed so exhausted when I put his brief on and then sunk onto the bed. I had turned the CD player off and just continued to look at him. He wasn't even able to put his undies properly. His chest had still been heaving when I tried to pull up the garter of his brief. He had been muffling something I couldn't understand and I figured out he was motioning me to go to bed.
I turned the lights off and settled beside him. It was then that he snuggled up to me and embraced me. "What are you thinking?" he whispered. "I don't… I still can't believe what happened." I answered. But I was happy, and at the same time gripping with fear. I felt I was very vulnerable. Probably because I knew how much Jason has been a part of my life. And now this. His body all over me and me safely tucked and pinned by this man. A man who could have the power to hurt me so much.
I kissed his forehead and he smiled. He caressed my arms.
"You worry too much. Let's go to sleep." And he dropped a kiss on my cheek.
"What if I told you I love you?" I whispered.
"And I thought I failed." He chuckled. "I love you too, baby."