Date: Sun, 08 Jun 2003 00:04:05 -0400
From: W. E. <wereallmadhere@hotmail.com>
Subject: That's Life (Chapter 20) Section: College

Author's Note:

Thanks to those readers who took the time to drop me a line. And a special
thanks to the few who delved deeper into the story - and then let me
know. Thank you for making the story worth it (for me).

Jay Alexander and company - thank you! For the edits, the nightly theatres,
the time, the patience, the jokes, and on and on...I don't have enough
words to show my gratitude.

If you are under age or it is illegal for you to be reading such "filth",
please leave. This material contains CRUDE, CRUDE language (gosh!), and
homosexuality (oh my!), so if you are offended, then, yes...goodbye!

This story is purely fictional. So, any similarity to anyone or anything is
purely coincidental. If you want to put this story somewhere else,
distribute it, whatever, please ask me first. Thanks!


CHAPTER 20

It was a Tuesday night. I had just come back from working out and had one
of the most amazing showers. I jerked off to the image of Kenny like so
many times before, but for once, there was no longing afterwards. I was
content. Don't ask me why.

There was a knock on the door. Damn that girl. Hannah always found the
wrong time to come over. Well, might as well give her a good show. I walked
to the door with a towel wrapped around my waist and my hair still dripping
wet. I opened the door, a sexy pose all ready for her.

It wasn't Hannah.

                                    ***

He looked tight. He was wearing a white skully and a white b-ball jersey
with black, loose-fitting, Johnny Blaze jeans. His arms were bare, showing
off his muscles and the tattoo. K-Swiss on his feet. Boy was working it,
and he knew it.

Fuckface.

"Hey," he said, uncertainly.

I just stood there, my mouth agape, looking up at him. He could not be
here, in front of me, looking like my most vivid wet dream. Damn the
fucker.

So, I slammed the door in his face. It felt good.

There was a polite knock again. Then, it got louder. He was glaring at me
through the peep-hole. "Oh yeah, real mature, Galen. Very mature. Just open
up, please.  I know you're kind of upset and all."

Kind of? Was he serious? He must be STUPID!

"So, it's like that, eh?" he asked.

My blood was boiling with rage as I recapped the image of that day in his
bedroom when I bared my soul to him and he just shoved it aside. I yelled
at the closed door, "Fuck yeah, it's like that!"

He became quiet for a while. I tried to get my breathing back to normal. I
had to be above him, unlike that day in the snow. I had to handle this
maturely. I could not let him get to me.

Finally, he spoke. "Galen?!! OK fine! I'm sorry about last night."

What was he talking about?

His voice got louder. "Last night's orgy was something, but, I gotta say,
whips, handcuffing me to the bed, the way you..."

I was paralyzed with fear as my face started to burn. My neighbours! Oh
GOD!  I quickly opened the door and glared at him.

He was unfazed by my look as he smiled. "Galen? You gonna give me and the
neighbours a good show or are you gonna let me in?"

My voice was tight. "Kenny...what the fuck are you doing here?"

He stepped inside the apartment, closing the door and then turning to me.
"Was in the neighbourhood."

"Didn't know you knew my neighbourhood." I replied dryly.

Why was I being civil to him? I should just not even hear a single word
from him. He certainly didn't look grief-stricken or even apologetic. I
don't know why I keep on doing this to myself.

Because, Galen, you idiot, you've been waiting for this. Admit it.

But, I'm always giving Kenny a chance. I should learn from my mistakes,
but, as pathetic as it was, somewhere deep down...I was still not willing
to admit that Kenny was a mistake. Oh...and those things Hannah said...some
of them were really sinking in...making me doubt some things about myself.

And, besides...if I really wanted to admit to myself, I was not as mad at
him as I was mad at myself for feeling happy. I was happy that he came to
see me. If that doesn't win the Pathetic Contest, I don't know what
does. But...still...it was Kenny. My confidante for fifteen years. My best
friend.

"I called Thane's place. Thought you were still there...he told me where to
find you."

"Thane?! Thane told YOU?" My head was spinning.

What the hell did that mean? Why did Kenny contact Thane? Why was Kenny
here? Did Thane forgive me? Why else would he do this act of kindness,
especially towards KENNY??!!!

"You seem surprised. He's a pretty cool guy." Finally, after all this time,
the boy agrees. I wanted to knock his head. I settled for giving him a
withering stare.

He pretended like he didn't know why I was giving him the look. Idiot.

I bit back a smile. "Ya...we broke up."

"He told me." I looked at him, surprised. "Don't worry, he didn't write me
an autobiography about it. Just mentioned it."

"Oh. Um...why didn't you ask my mom for the address?"

"Oh.that...well, my parents kinda kicked me out of the house, and I left
our hometown...so I'm staying here, in town."

Oh God! Mama Brien! No...how could you?

"You told your parents you were gay?"

"Oh no! No! Um...," he massaged the back of his neck with his right hand, a
habit of his I knew he did when he was nervous or embarrassed, "she was
sick of my drunk ass. Both of them were. I came home one night a little too
late and apparently made too much noise or some shit like that and Ma came
downstairs and started bitching at me.  Then, Dad came down and you know
how he does the silent, I'm-so-disappointed-with-you stare and I just lost
it. I started to tell them off.  Dad finally yelled at me for talking back
to Ma, even though she is the one who started the bitching in the first
place.  They pissed me off so I kept on going and then Ma pretty much told
me to straighten up or get the hell out."

"Oh." Kenny's drinking problem was worse than I thought. Shit.

"Let me tell you, it was major fucking drama, man. I started to pack my
shit, ready to get the hell away and then Ma changes her mind and starts
yelling again - this time because I'm leaving. Like, what the fuck, she
just told me to leave in the first place and then she gets mad `cause I am
ACTUALLY leaving? "Kenneth James O'Brien, if you leave, don't you dare come
back, you hear me?" What-the-fuck-ever, man. I don't need that shit. I come
home for four fucking months to enjoy the summer and I don't need them
riding my ass. I'm fucking 20. If I want to get motherfucking drunk, that's
my Goddamned problem. I respect that she doesn't want it under her roof, so
that's why I was leaving, but, no, she gotta bitch about that too. She
treats me like I'm still a kid.  Pissed me the fuck off, so here I am."

I didn't respond. Mama Brien had a temper which Kenny had as well. And them
two together, I could just picture it. I cringed internally. Mr. O'Brien
was usually the calm one, the voice of logic, but, with mother and son
going at it like that, he couldn't have done much. Kenny was a jackass to
them, I knew that much. That's what his drinking did to him. I didn't want
to preach to him now. I actually wanted to pound some sense into him so
that he realized how lucky he was that he had parents who gave a damn. But,
as Hannah said, I had to approach situations calmly and objectively -
maturely.  The place and time to discuss his 'problem' was not now. I
slowly breathed to let out my anger and looked at Kenny. He was watching me
for my reaction, my judgement.

"I see," I finally responded.

He half-smiled, the dimples appearing, "But...well...don't worry.I'm not
asking for a place to crash. I'm staying with Paul and Dwayne, remember
Dwayne? My teammate?  He's Paul's roommate now. They got an apartment
together. Nice place. I'm chilling there. Not a good idea..,we've been
getting drunk every fucking night." He chuckled.

He was blabbering.

I decided to ignore the fact that he had been in town for quite some time
and was with Paul. "Want a drink? Non-alcoholic."

He cleared his throat, "Thanks." I got him a glass of milk (he drank milk
like a person drinks water...he finished a carton a day, don't ask me how)
while he looked around the apartment, commenting, "Nice crib, bro. It's
safe!!!"

Stupid chit-chat. Too chicken-shit to talk.

"Don't lie...it's a piece of horse shit."

Kenny smirked and looked around the apartment. "Aight, you're right. That
black spot on your wall moved, yo. When 'spots' on your wall start to move,
kid, it means - get the fuck out!"

I smiled and shook my head, "BUT, I could at least afford it and got it
within a day." I looked around the apartment, taking in its sorry state and
then looked back at him. Bro looked even more handsome than I
remembered. Those eyes, damn, they could still get me high.

He was looking at me intently. I had totally forgotten that I was still in
a towel. He knew I caught him staring. Instead of turning away (like I
would do), he kept on looking, up and down...slowly. I felt the heat rise
to my face and my groin. My hard-on was clearly evident. Dammit! And I just
jacked off. The fucking thing had a mind of its own. No point trying to
hide it. He knew.

I blushed something awful, "Fucker! Stop staring!"

He scrunched up his face in annoyance, "Then stop answering the door
dripping wet, with nothing but a towel and a hard-on." Leave it to Kenny to
always have the last word.

He turned and held my stare, eyebrows drawn in suspicion. "Who were you
expecting anyway?"

I didn't bother answering his nosy question.

So, I stood there, in defiance, and thought: Fuck it! Let him look.I won't
shy away.

He took his sweet-ass time, his eyes roaming up and down, and then up
again.  My blush just intensified, but I held my ground.

He took one gulp and finished the whole glass of milk. Damned if he didn't
put down the alcohol that fast either. No wonder...

He licked his upper lip, removing the milk moustache. Jesus, he was one
sexy motherfucker. And then, his voice, "Looking good, you got nice
definition...working out?"

I unconsciously ran my fingers along my abs, feeling the definition and
then, blushed again and jerked my hand away, "Yeah...well...nothing much to
do...can't afford cable..."

His finger connected with the back of my right hand, slowly caressing it. I
looked down.  There was a spot of blue paint there. Not surprising,
considering regardless of how much I shower or do laundry, some paint
stains are always on me, on my clothes. I sucked in my breath at the
intimacy of the moment.

Kenny felt it too. He quickly shifted the mood and pouted, "No porn?"

We both laughed.

I excused myself and went inside to put on some clothes. We could play our
games later.

When I came out, Kenny was looking at the paintings I had done and was
currently working on, sprawled all over my living/kitchen/dining room. I
was trying to put together a semi-decent portfolio for a second year course
that took only 10 students and my apartment looked like a mess with
half-finished paintings, some with paint thrown on them, others with swear
words scrawled all over, showing evidence of times when I got too
frustrated with the work and took my anger out on my paintings. My place
was too small. How I wished for my own studio, right at home.

He turned when he saw me come in, fully clothed. "Damn! Free show! Free
show! Come on."

I threw a cushion from the couch at him before plopping down. "Fuck you,
O'Brien! You can't afford me."

He pretended to think for a while as he made his way over to the couch. He
dropped himself down unceremoniously. I felt the cushion as it bounced
under me because of his weight and caught a whiff of his cologne. My heart
skipped a beat being so close to him again. We sat facing each other. I
wondered why he always smelt like peppermint as well. I never realized how
much I missed him until I saw him again.

Finally, he spoke, never breaking eye contact, "Name your price."

I don't know where my head was or what I was thinking but I blurted out the
first thought to come into my head, "A lifetime."

IDIOT, GALEN! IDIOT!!

Kenny didn't even blink, "Done."

WHA...?

I sat there, dumbfounded, my jaw gaping open.

Kenny smiled when he caught my look and gently pulled my chin up with his
index finger, making me close my mouth, "You look too graphic. Too many
innuendos."

I finally came out of my trance and looked at him. He was joking with me.
"Kenny, why are you really here?"

I saw his Adam's apple move up and down as he gulped. "I have this itch
that just won't go away, you know?" He smiled such a pleading smile that I
could not help but fall in love with it.

But, this was always Kenny's way - pretending like something wasn't a big
deal by covering it with a joke.

I shook my head. "Kenny, I'm serious, man."

He held my gaze and then licked his lips. "So am I."  He gave my thigh a
gentle squeeze and continued. "Actually, I'm hoping to make things
right...if it's not too late."

I had to be sure. "What do you mean?? I need to hear it. I'm afraid of
putting too much faith in you and getting hurt again."

His eyes were pained at my comment. He swallowed hard. "I know. We gotta
talk...about us?" He raised his eyebrows at me, like a kid asking for
permission.

I smiled and nodded, but I was still shaking. My life was about to
change...

"If you fuck this up, Kenny, I swear to God, I will hang you by your balls
in the town square."

He smirked. "We don't have a town square."

I gave him a withering stare.

He quickly put his right hand out, palm up. "I'm sorry, I'm stupid. Hit
me!"

I slapped his hand and slowly smiled. This was Kenny - my Kenny.

He laughed as he grabbed my hand and pulled me closer to him. He shifted
even closer so that he was right up to my face and kissed me on the lips, a
brief kiss, but one of affirmation. A shiver ran down my body. I kissed him
back. He touched his forehead to mine, looking into my eyes, suddenly
serious. "You trust me, Galen?"

"With my life."

He let out a big breath that I didn't even think he was holding and closed
his eyes. "Damn man...been way too long..."

We stayed like that as seconds turned to long-drawn minutes. We didn't even
notice.

Imagine wanting someone for nine-odd years, being their best friend for
fifteen years, having them so close that you can almost feel them, touch
them, taste them...yet never getting them the way you want...and then
finally, heaven is brought closer to man, to me, and he is mine. Just
imagine, and even then, you couldn't begin to understand.

Kenny took my face in his hands and gently pulled me away from him. He
brought his lips to mine and kissed me again. Just a soft peck. I wanted
more. But, he pulled away again. His grip on my head was solid. He shook my
head gently.  "What am I going to do with you? Huh? I'm shit scared,
Galen. I'm in...fuck. I haven't the slightest clue what to do about any of
this. Ya gotta help me, doc." He smiled.

I put my own shaking hands over his that were just as shaky and gripped
them. They were cold and clammy. He gripped mine back.


                                     ***

We spent the whole day talking about all our insecurities, our sexualities,
Thane and his issues, our time apart, our past (a lot), us and just...life.

It took a while for Kenny to open up, but once he did, the boy was on a
roll. I could understand. It was twenty years of pent-up emotions...it had
to come out sometime, some day...and I'm glad he trusted me with it all.

We were sitting on the couch, just staring at the paintings in front of us
that I was recently working on.

Kenny pointed to one of them, "That one's messed up." He turned to me and
snickered, "I like."

I laughed, "I was in one of those moods."

The picture, at first glance, was pretty dismal. It was a painting of a
bird swimming in the ocean, its wings spread out and clear like fins, as it
reached to rise its head above the water, where its beak meshed together to
become the mouth of a fish, flying in the sky, its fins slowly turning to
feathers. From the tip at which the beak of the bird met the mouth of the
fish, a ray of light burst through. Around the two beings were blue water
and sky.  They were meshed as well. The white waves turning to
clouds. There were no defining lines showing the beginning of one place and
the ending of the other. The two animals were done in black and white. All
charcoal. Except the water and the sky.  They were in colour.

He had a disgusted look on his face, "Damn artists...always frontin' like
they're all angst-ridden."

I knocked him upside his head, "Shut up! Just cuz you can't vent your
frustrations through your Calculus problems, don't bite on us. Don't hate."

"I will have you know, Galen Walsh, that I have other ways of venting my
emotions...like pounding the hardwood floor, music..."

I couldn't help myself, "Me."

We both stayed quiet. I wanted to kick myself for saying that. Extracting
foot from mouth as we speak.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, Kenny nodded his head and took a
deep breath, as if he'd reached some decision. "Did Aidan and Ana inspire
that painting?"

I closed my eyes to hold back my tears. I didn't think he would
understand...but he did. I was not as surprised as I should have been, "I
want to give it to him and Ana when I finally meet them again. Kind of a
way of saying 'sorry'."

He let the air out in a big 'whoosh' and avoided looking at me, "Good.
They'll like it."

"Kenny..."

He turned to look at me finally, almost pleading with me, "What?"

I just returned his stare. He knew 'what'.

He scrubbed his face with his hands and then scratched his head, pulling
his skully down tighter, "It's not gonna be as easy as me apologizing for
being such a selfish, rude-ass bastard and hoping we could move on..'is
it?"

"Sorry, bud."

He slowly nodded his head, "Didn't think so."

I reached up and grasped his shoulder and squeezed, "Every time you have a
problem, either you smart-mouth it off or avoid it. That won't make
anything disappear, you know."

He gave me a measured stare, "When did you all of a sudden become Mr.
Brutally Honest?"

"I guess I got tired of all this bullshit. These games that we play with
one another, the fights, everything. I got tired, man. I finally got tired
of it all."

Kenny was definitely pleading now, "Can't we just for one day, today,
forget everything and just be us?"

"What is us now, Kenny? We can, until something happens and one of us can't
deal with it and just flees leaving the other completely confused, crushed
and thinking the worst...another fight, another round of pain...I
can't...not anymore."

He paused for a while. Then, "You know, I was so fucking happy when Thane
told me y'all broke up."

I rolled my eyes at him. "Glad you sympathize."

He sighed, "I am a selfish bastard, aren't I?" He finally turned and met my
eyes. They were pitiful blue eyes, pleading with me, but for what...I
didn't know.

Dang, I didn't want him to go into self-pity mode, "No, you're not."

He blew up. I was actually trying to comfort him and he blew up. "Shit!
Galen, don't fucking try to always make excuses for me. That was always
your problem. Our problem.  You always let me get away with shit. It was
like I couldn't do nothing wrong in your eyes.

"Fuck...I remember we had spray-painted a pic of Old Man Peterson as a dick
on his garage door. Well, you were the artist behind it. But, it was my
genius idea. The bastard cut down his tree when he found out we used to
climb it. Remember, he also used to threaten to call the Popos on us cuz we
played hockey in front of his driveway? Besides, he used to look at you
funny." Kenny scowled.

A shiver of disgust ran through my body. Kenny had threatened to break
every bone in my "puny-ass body" if I ever set foot in Old Man Peterson's
house. I never liked that guy and was more than willing to take heed of
Kenny's threat and also become the artist in Kenny's little scheme.

Kenny continued. "He deserved it. He was always yelling at us and asking
you to go over to his house to see some stupid watercolour set he owned or
whatever. I got in so much shit for that from Ma. I told her that we were
ALL doing it. You, me, Owen, Ronnie, Wes, Mike, Cat, Steve-o, Neil...all
the crew from the block, kind of like an extra-curricular activity."

I snickered. Kenny had written his name beside the picture. He wanted Old
Man Peterson to know that it was him, Kenny, who did it. He had wanted to
get caught.  Most times, he got caught ONLY because he wanted to get
caught, to prove a point or to piss someone off. That was Kenny's one rule
that he taught me: whenever we would pull a stunt, he would always say that
we had to know the rule inside out, so that when we broke it, we broke the
rule just right.

Kenny's voice brought me back to the present. "She whopped my ass and asked
me, 'If everyone jumped off a bridge and asked you to join, would you?'"

Kenny paused and looked at me. "The answer was obvious: No, hell no!"

I was so fucking confused as to where he was going with the story,
"And...?"

He buried his face in his hands like he couldn't look at me, "And...a
couple of days later, we were all going out to the park to play
baseball. No one wanted you on their team."

"I sucked at baseball. You always put me as an outfielder and a left
fielder at that. You told me that I was needed there 'cause I had 20/20
eyesight needed to catch those flying balls."

Kenny smirked, "Well, you bought that bullshit at the time. Besides, we
didn't want to lose!!! If I remember correctly, dog, you were happy there."

"Happy?? Picking dandelions off the fucking field 'cause the ball never
reached that far???"

Kenny tried to suppress a laugh, "Anyway...so, yeah, we were all getting
ready, setting up the teams. I was one of the team captains, and Owen was
the other. I remember I won the round of rock, paper and scissors. I got to
pick first. No one wanted you...this was no Dandelion Picking contest, yo!
You looked set to bawl and...," Kenny paused and looked intently at me,
"and...and...all you did was just keep STARING at me.  Staring and
staring. You didn't look at no one else. Even Owen."

Kenny closed his eyes and inhaled, as if it was hard for him to speak,
"Fuck, I loathed you at that moment. Your own brother wouldn't even pick
you and you didn't care. YOU FUCKING DIDN'T CARE!!! You just kept looking
at me, pleading me with those eyes of yours - like a lost little puppy. I
had to pick you. It was like this force, this thing that I couldn't
resist. I HAD to pick you and pick you first. When I called your name, I
swear to God, I can still remember it today - your fucking face just lit
up.

"I wanted to pick Cat. Owen and I both wanted Cat. She was the best
pitcher.  But, no...," Kenny grabbed the back of my neck and gave it a
friendly squeeze. "I was stuck with Mr.  Dandelion while Owen chose Cat."

I blushed, remembering.  "Owen snickered at you and said, "Good luck!" And
you lit into him. We had to pry you off him. Jesus! Those days...damn..."
Ok, I was as bad as he said I was.

When I went up to the plate, the other team called their players in. Yeah,
I was not too good at baseball. At school, since Kenny was a year ahead of
me, he never had gym with me and I would always get picked last for
teams. I had a complex about that and I would always complain to Kenny
later on that no one liked me.

Kenny's eyes glazed over as he reminisced. "You always made me feel
responsible for you. I hated that. I hated how you always depended on
me. It frustrated me to no end, man."

He stared down at his hands, "But, I realized as much as I loathed you,
there was even a greater need to protect you...cuz you were...mine. Because
you trusted me so much, without a second thought."

He let the words sink in, before he continued, "That evening, you
remember?"

Memories gnawed at me. Deep down I knew where this was headed and I didn't
like it one bit. "You were cold to me after the game. I didn't know what
was wrong.  I thought I did something to upset you. I went to see you. You
were there, sitting in the tree-house. I started apologizing, without
knowing for what. You didn't say a word.  Finally, you spoke. You wouldn't
even look at me."

I paused. I didn't want to bring up the memory. "You dared me to jump from
the treehouse."

The silence in the room was deafening and so thick. One could take a knife
and slice through it.

At last, Kenny's voice broke through, only a whisper, but just as lethal as
a knife, "And you did. You fucking jumped. I didn't think you'd do it. You
broke your leg and got stitches on you gums for it. 'Cause you had to prove
something to me, 'cause you wanted me to like you...not think that you were
a baby...'cause I asked you to."

I tried to keep back my tears, "Kenny, enough!"

He wouldn't listen, it was like he was speaking to himself. "You were like
a fucking beaten puppy. Always looking at me with those eyes. Those damn
eyes. It was like - I could kick you, shame you, hurt you, make you take
the blame for everything and you would return to me, again and again, like
you had nowhere else to go. Like I was your everything. I hated
you. I...I...I wanted to hate you...but I couldn't.

"I hated the fact that you made...made...me protect you. I...oh fuck...I
couldn't even visit you at the hospital. I didn't sign your cast. I felt so
guilty. You made me go insane and then when I got mad at you for making me
go insane, you made me feel guilty. You shook me, Galen. You made me give a
damn about someone. You made me CARE!!!"

I was a pathetic, beaten puppy? Could I be more pitiable? I was so ashamed
at myself, at my lack of self-confidence while growing up. I've never seen
the incident of my jumping from the tree-house in this light. I knew I used
to look up to Kenny like he was my God or something, but I never knew to
what degree...until now. Oh fuck! Of course, I was a sissy. Hannah was
wrong. I didn't give myself the title, I deserved it.  "I never knew..."

"Every time we had a fight, you always apologized. I never apologized.
Ever. Why the fuck would you always apologize? Even when it wasn't your
fucking fault?!!"  Kenny was shaking me, yelling at me.

It was a rhetorical question. He knew. Back then, Kenny was my life-line. I
depended on him so much, I just never knew it frustrated him.

I stayed silent.

"Remember, Galen? We were playing Pog and you won all the caps. I demanded
that you cheated and that I should get all of the caps. You held your
ground. We didn't talk for a month."

I continued, "I came to you finally and gave you all my caps...and
apologized."

"Yeah, you did. It was me. I should have been the one to apologize. I was
being a bastard, but, you still came to me."

I looked at him. His eyes held such sadness. I'm sure so did mine. "I had
no one else, Kenny. I had only you and in turn, your friends."

"FUCK YOU!! It's not true. You could have had friends, but you were too
involved with me. I secretly loved it. I didn't push you to have friends
either. I liked having you all to myself. That's what I always thought
would be true. That you would always be mine. I knew. I always knew you
were in love with me. The way you would look at me, do anything I asked. I
got off on that. It was a trip for me. The sadistic bastard that I am, I
got my rocks off on that. Knowing that you were always there. The only
constant thing in my life: Galen's devotion to me. It's fucked up. I knew I
was it for you.  There would be no other."

Things finally started to fall into place. I said, "And then came Thane."

He nodded, "Then came the filthy rich, way-too-nice-to-be-real, pretty
boy...and the shit hit the fan."

We both half-smiled.

Kenny kept on going, "I guess I should have seen it coming. I was being an
asshole, a selfish bastard, thinking that I could go on having my life and
you would wait for me, if and when I was ready to deal with my sexuality or
whatever the fuck I needed to deal with."

I was mad at Kenny. Really mad, but, I was more mad at myself. One thing
Hannah WAS right about - I allow myself to get hurt. I bring it on myself,
because I refuse to believe that I can stand up for myself, that I could
have had friends without Kenny needing to guide me.

I got up from the couch and walked away from him. I really didn't want to
hear any more. I couldn't believe I had been so...so...fucking PATHETIC!!!
So DEPENDENT!!  So NEEDY!!

I felt him behind me even before I heard him, "I knew I was jealous `cause
he was like your best friend all of a sudden, your dawg, you always ran to
him with problems.  Besides, you were lovers...something that I didn't even
get to be with you.  As much as I hated it when you used to depend on me,
all of a sudden...I missed it. It was like, I was the only one who would
get those looks from you. Those looks of admiration, of love.  But, now,
you would do that with Thane."

I couldn't understand how I could have been so blinded to my problems. Cat
and Elfi were right all those months ago. I depended on others for my
happiness. And Hannah...damn...  they all knew...except me.

They all knew that I was so unsure of myself, that I needed to feel wanted
by others. I needed others to give me value.

I kept looking out the window. I couldn't look at Kenny. I was so confused
and hurt. My whole world was crashing down on me. Things that built my
past, set my foundation of who I am, were suddenly being turned upside
down. "I know. I told Thane that too. I realized that was our problem. I
put him on a pedestal..."

Hands snaked around my waist from behind, pulling me towards a warm, hard
chest. My nostrils filled with his cologne, his smell. I leaned into him,
my head resting on his chest.  Then, as if something kicked in, I
recoiled. I was depending on him again.

Kenny's voice came out as a whisper, "Please...don't, Galen...don't push me
away...I'm...it's too late to turn back now. Might as well get it all
out. I am tired of always planning my move to fit my benefits. I want to
tell you everything...even if you will hate me later for it."

I turned to him and was faced with his chest. I let my gaze travel up to
meet his face as he looked down at me. He was so fucking tall. He had about
8 inches on me, but, right now, I felt even smaller than that next to
him. So insignificant, so pathetic.

"I don't want to hear it, Kenny. I was a pathetic loser. I still am because
God help me, but I still love you! That's what you want to say, isn't it?
That I am still a loser!"

"NO! This is coming out all wrong. OH GOD! I'm trying to tell you that I'm
the bastard here! I'm at fault! I'm the one who took you for granted!
Always thought that you would be there for me. I treated you like my
fucking possession or something. I used to tease you about getting a girl
cuz I knew that would never happen. I just never knew that what I felt for
you was...," he paused and massaged the back of his neck with his hand, and
looked down at his feet, "Sure, I had wet dreams about us
boning...and...shit."

We both realized what he said. I started blushing like crazy.

When our eyes connected, we both broke out into laughter.

Finally, Kenny calmed down enough to continue, "Ok, I'll admit it. Yeah, I
did have some dreams...but, it was like...I don't know. I knew I liked
chicks. I really digged them. I mean, really, REALLY digged them. That's no
lie, yo. I checked out guys, but that's normal. Checking out competition. I
didn't like any other guys...in that way. Only you. So, I thought, it was a
fluke of nature. Cuz I was so emotionally attached to you, it was probably
inevitable that you make it into my dreams. I loved you, you were my boy.
So, some psycho bullshit must have sprouted in my twisted head. Oedipus
complex and Electra complex, and all that bullshit. Probably one for best
friends too.  You know? So, that's why you made it into my dreams...I
thought..."

"Honoured," I replied dryly.

"You should be. It's the Promised Land." When he got a withering stare from
me, he held his hands up in front of him, "I kid! I kid! But, even though I
loved chicks, loved fucking them, and don't get me wrong, they loved it
too, every minute...I just couldn't fall in love with ANY of them...get
serious with any of them. I couldn't figure out why."

I played the innocent card. I wanted him to squirm. Yes, I needed to hear
him say IT. "Why?"

He narrowed his eyes at me, "Fuck off...you know why."

I grabbed his jersey and pulled him to me. Then, grabbing the back of his
neck, I pulled him down - eye to eye. I held his gaze. I ran my tongue
along his lips. They parted for me, but I moved away and whispered, "Say
it. Why? Kenny, why?"

He tore his gaze from me and stared at a spot on my cheek, eyes brimming
with tears.  "That day, out in the snow...all that you said, all the shit
you and Thane did together.  You were being so fucking graphic...and...I
lost it. I knew why. I finally admitted to myself why..."

I let my grip on Kenny go. I couldn't meet his eyes now. I hated seeing him
cry. He rarely ever cried, and to know that it was because of me...

Jesus, I can't begin to imagine how he must have felt when I just told him
all that stuff when I blew up that day. All that I told him I wanted to do
with Thane, wanting Kenny to watch...

Even though Kenny had egged me on that day, he didn't deserve what I did to
him that day. I crushed him.

I looked back at him, with a question gnawing at me. "That's why you hit
ME?"

Kenny's eyes turned bright, with suppressed anger."Because, unfortunately,
Thane wasn't there. You were."

The image of that day, the pained expression, the hate, the disgust on
Kenny's face..it all made sense now. I can't believe I did that.

"Oh God, Kenny, it must have been hell for you, listening to that."

He squeezed his index finger and thumb, leaving barely any space in
between, and with a bitter, half-smile, "Just a tad bit..."

It was my turn to feel ashamed. I had caused him so much pain, so much
hurt, being with Thane. Hell, I couldn't even stand any chick Kenny was
with and they were nothing serious, one-night-stands. I can't even recall
half of those girls' names. I couldn't begin to imagine how it must have
been like for him, knowing that Thane and I were so serious, living
together.

I took his face in my hands and lowered his face so that I could slowly
kiss him - no passion, just compassion. "I can't begin to know how to say
the `sorry' that you deserve."

He went over to the couch and plopped down. I followed. He spoke up again,
"No one wants to be gay, Galen. I thought I got lucky. I still liked
girls. Loved them...I could choose the easy path...why the fuck would I
choose you?"

I didn't think he wanted it to come out that way, but it hurt nonetheless.
"You at least had the choice. I understand. Why would you?"

Kenny dropped his head back, closing his eyes, body drained. "Damn me and
my words.  I always hurt you. Ever since we were kids. I took advantage of
you. I took you for granted. It was always about me. I got mad at you that
day in the snow `cause I was the odd man out. I lost out to Thane. I was
angry. I was hurt. I was jealous. It was all about me. Once again.

"Then, after missing you, going crazy `cause each day I pictured you living
with Thane, being happy, forgetting about me so easily...it really got to
me, Galen.  But, finally, after all that time, five months of not seeing
you, not talking to you...there you were. Seeing you at the
wedding...Galen, I fucking couldn't do it. You looked so fucking tight in
that suit. Damn." He smiled, spread his legs, and adjusted himself, "I'm
hard now just recalling that."

I couldn't help the blush that spread across my face as I returned his
smile, "I thought the same thing when I saw you. I thought you would notice
me staring so hard."

Kenny laughed, "I was afraid you would think I was a freak. I couldn't stop
looking at you!!!"

He reached out his hand and stroked my cheek, "I wanted to rush up to you
when I first saw you and just...just do SOMETHING...show you that...that I
was ready...but, I wasn't. I'm sorry. I couldn't stop being so
selfish. That's why I kissed you that night in the tree-house...cuz I
wanted you to know that all those years that you wanted me, now, you could
have me. I wanted you to leave Thane for me. I wanted you back.  You were
right. I did kiss you out of my own selfishness...and you gave yourself to
me, completely. If that's not selfish, I don't know what is."

My voice quivered as I spoke, "Kenny, do you know how long I waited for
that day?  That day in the tree-house when we smoked for the first time, I
wanted you to kiss me so bad...and it was like, everything, all my years of
dreaming: it was coming true that night after Owen's wedding. Then, the
next day, it was my worst nightmare. With each word, with each look you
gave me, you slowly killed me."

His eyes were pained, "Shit! I know, but...Galen, I kissed you because I
was thinking of only me. Don't you see that?? I was being like how I've
always been.  SELFISH!!!! Me!!  It was all about me. I couldn't sleep that
night after I left you in the tree-house after our kiss. It was as if I was
starting again. The same cycle. Using you...and so in the morning...when
you came to me...ready to give it all up, asking me to be with you...it
finally hit home."

"What did?"

"That you didn't deserve me. You didn't know me, know that I was doing
everything out of selfishness. Just to satisfy myself. You deserved way
better, man. For the first time, I let you go. Thane...I knew he could give
you all that you couldn't get with me. As much as I hated him, I saw that
he treated you well. You needed someone like him, not me, Galen. I wasn't
ready to commit yet. I saw you that day at the wedding, and after five
months of obsessing about you, there you were...within reach. I had to kiss
you. After I did that, I wanted to kick myself."

I was hurt. "I'm sorry...I..."

He kissed me to shut me up. "I wanted to kick myself because it felt so
fucking good, so fucking right and I realized that I had made my bed
BUT...I sure as shit wasn't ready to lie in it yet. You know me, my ego
will kill me one day. So, when I couldn't even deny that I was boning for
you, especially since I initiated the damn kiss myself, I calmly told you
and me that I was bi. No big deal. I was cool with it. It was all under
control. I mean, if I could say it out loud, it must mean that I was cool
with it, right?"

"It wasn't, was it?" I asked.

"Not by a long shot...I wanted to feel calm, feel confident in what I
did...like I had planned all along to kiss you, that I wasn't just some
emotional idiot who kissed you on the spur of the moment...but, truth is,
even after the kiss, I wasn't even sure how I felt about being with a guy."

He scrubbed his face with his hands, as if trying to get rid of imaginary
cobwebs, "How do I explain it?? Ok...don't take offense or nothin' but, you
weren't a guy.  I mean...ok, yeah, you were a GUY with a dick and
all...but..." He looked at me, totally confused.

I returned his stare. I had no idea where he was going with this line of
thought. I couldn't help him out even if I tried.

He let out an exasperated breath, "Aw hell...it's like this. I kept seeing
you as Galen.  That was it. I kissed you, because I wanted to kiss YOU -
Galen. But, then what?? If I want to be with you, I'm not just going to be
with you - Galen. I'm going to be with another dude...in the eyes of
everyone. I didn't know if I was ready then.  Thane was ready.

"Hell, the fucker would shout his love for you if given a Goddamned
megaphone...and after all you did for me, I couldn't even feel certain
about wanting to commit to you.  That's not being fair to you, man. That
morning, I knew, you were better off with Thane."

That was it. What?? Where does he get off??

My tone was firm, "I don't know where you pulled all that self-hate
melodrama bullshit out from, probably your stank ass. Besides, it's time I
take responsibility for myself, Kenny. From now on, let ME decide what's
bad or good for me. Ok?" I swear I could faintly hear Hannah cheering and
giving me a standing ovation.

"Eh, asshole, I was thinking about someone else for once in my life.
Besides, it's so easy to hate the bastard. If I explained it all to you
nicely that morning, you would never leave.  It was the only way. I'm good
at being a bastard, you know."

"Did you stop to think that you would hurt me even more? That it wasn't
just you hurting me for that moment when you were being a bastard so that I
would go to Thane? But that even afterwards, I would still feel the pain?
Fuck, I wanted you forever.  EVEN knowing that you were an asshole.

"I subconsciously knew all along. You couldn't have done all that to me,
used me, unless I let you. We are both at fault. I used you too. If you are
selfish, then I'm ten times that. I am so involved in analyzing the ways
people hurt me in my life, that I can't even allow myself to take
responsibility for anything. I shouldn't have made you responsible for me.
You never asked for it..." And Hannah continued.

Kenny was still skeptical, "But, it's not that. It's so
frustrating. Fucking hell, I don't know how to explain it! I hated it just
as much as I loved it - you needing me. I guess what I really hated was
that not only did you depend on me, but that I depended on you too, to make
me feel worthwhile. To make me feel needed.

"No one gave a fuck if I was an asshole. No one called me on it. They
accepted it and let it pass, but every time I hurt you, you let me
know. You cared enough to see more. I don't know how, but, you stuck by
me. You would believe everything I used to say.  You're the only one who
did that, had that much faith in me."

He asked, "Remember when I convinced you that my Uncle Frank in Italy was
part of a mafia?"

I rolled my eyes and nodded. Uncle Frank - Frankie to his customers - the
BAKER!

Kenny looked at me intently, suddenly sobering up. "All those stupid
stories I would make up, you believed me, as if you trusted me not to lie
to you."

His lips trembled and he gave a bitter smile. "Fuck. I'm sorry. It was
fucking crazy. I don't deserve any of this, you giving me another
chance. Just look at what I did. I hurt you over and over again, but, you
still forgave me. You must be so clued out not to realize that I'm the
biggest bastard on this planet, and as selfish as I am, I'm glad that you
haven't figured it out yet. Cuz I need you, man. I need you too."

I wiped the lone tear that fell down his face and hugged him tightly to me.
"I wasn't clued out. I just didn't care, Kenny. Besides, I needed you
too. You were everything to me back then." I caressed his cheek. "You still
are."

Kenny half-smiled. "Galen, for your own good, back the fuck out now before
you regret ever giving this jackass another chance."

I shook my head. "After everything...hell no. Never."

He sighed. "Don't say I didn't warn you."

I gave him a measured stare. "But, we gotta set some things straight, all
right?"

Kenny raised an eyebrow. "Like?"

I was feeling trepidation bringing my next point up, not knowing if Kenny
would be offended or try to deny it, but I had to do it. I had to take
control and that meant facing my problems. "Kenny, ever since we were kids,
I let you do everything for me, and that's why it's no wonder
that...sometimes...I feel like you control me."

I looked for his reaction. He was expressionless.

So, I continued. "I let you do that in the past and I know you were so used
to it but this past year at Uni, all the misunderstanding between us, all
the fights, it was because you couldn't let go of that control. I don't
want us to be like that now, Kenny."

"Galen, I never want you to feel that I boss you around. I know I do that,
but, tell me.  Cuss me out, punch me, stop me...but, tell me whenever I do
that, ok?"

I sighed in relief. He didn't try to deny his faults. "I know it was hard
for you to stand by and watch me do something that you were totally
against. Every thing you asked me to do, I've never gone against you."

Kenny finished the rest for me, "But, Thane...I know. I know. Dude, now
that I look back, I want to smack my old self. You're right. I was pissed
as fuck that even though you knew I didn't like Mr. Rogers the first time I
met him, you still wanted to be neighbourly towards him. I acted like a
jackass and gave you and him both attitude those months in Rez, because it
frustrated me that for the first time, even though you knew that I was
bothered, you didn't care. You still wanted to be his `friend' even though
you could tell that I wasn't feelin' him. You wouldn't listen to me."

"Sorry."

Kenny grasped my arm. "Don't ever fucking apologize for that. You had every
right to live your life, choose your friend, do whatever you wanted. You
didn't need my approval, just my support, and I failed to give that to my
best friend when he needed me the most.  So, it ain't you who should be
busting out the apology. Aight?"

I squeezed his hand, "We are both so messed up. I'm also sorry I did all
that to you.  Allow you to take control over my life so that whenever
something bad happened, because I let you lead my life, I then blamed you
for all my shortcomings.  It's unfair of me. But, sometimes...things that
you do. I guess because I'm so in love with you, it hurts all the more when
YOU do something to hurt me. I was so hurt that day when you were cold to
me after our kiss. The final twist was when you turned to me, totally
lacking in care, and asked if I would burst into tears." I was going to cry
really soon if I thought more about that day.

Kenny's hand returned to my cheek, caressing it, "I hate seeing you cry,
you know.  Either I say nothing, and you would still cry, or I sympathize,
and you cry harder to milk all the pity that you can."

It was true, but, I was offended. "NO!" I wouldn't give him that
satisfaction.

He raised his eyebrow and mimicked me, "NO!"

"Fuck off!"

Kenny squeezed the back of my neck.

All right, fine! I guess I could admit to some of my stupidity as well. I
shook my head and chuckled. He was right, that's me.

Kenny continued, "Or...rather than being hurt, I could get you angry at me.
God knows, I fucking deserved it."

I elbowed him, "You know me too well."

Kenny smiled and shrugged.

I loved his smile. "I'm in love with you, Kenny."

I stated it, simply. Because it was just that. The simple truth.

He raised his eyebrows and shook his head, "You're so Goddamned sure of
yourself. It scares me. How...?"

I took his face in my hands, "I don't question it. I just know."

Kenny nodded his head, "Galen, you don't give yourself enough credit. You
think you are weak, that you are a sissy or whatever list of names you have
stored for yourself. But, you have more balls than me."

I laughed, "Nah...I am just an emotional wreck."

Kenny smiled, but didn't disagree. I could see a smirk forming on his lips.
"Damn artists."

I punched his arm, "Oh please, don't disagree so vehemently."

He grinned ear to ear, showing off perfect white teeth. "Bro, you sometimes
try too hard to fish for compliments and reassurance."

"Bastard." But, damn it, I loved him, every bit of him.

I draped my arm around his shoulders and squeezed, "After I broke up with
Thane, I became a recluse. I know, what else is new? But, one day Hannah
came and busted my balls. I mean, literally..."

Kenny nodded, "That chick's got fire. I respect that."

"You have no idea how much. After my talk with her, I realized how scared I
was to ever take control of my own life, in fear that if I make a mistake,
I wouldn't be able to blame anyone but me. So, I thrust that responsibility
onto to others like Thane and you."

"She's right. You gotta grab life by the balls and not wait for someone
else to do it for you and then complain that they squeezed too tight. Or
are you too scared to reach down there yourself, in case you find out that
you had the motherfucking balls all along?"

"Yeah, that's what she meant pretty much. But, you're way more eloquent
than her." I bit my lip to keep from laughing.

Kenny pretended to be offended. "Of course!"

I repeated after him. "Of course."

We looked at each other and burst out laughing. I finally sobered up and
continued.  "Seriously though, she finally made me see how big of a JERK
I've actually been. To Thane for making him be the bad guy so that I felt
less guilty about breaking up with him...and then, to Aidan...and most of
all, to you."

He looked so innocent, as if he couldn't believe it, "Me? You a jerk to
me?"

I kissed him. "Yeah, Kenny. You. I was a jerk to you. And not only to you,
but just a jerk in general. Been like that my whole life it seemed. It must
have been scary as shit for you after you kissed me that night, all the
confusion with your sexuality...and I made it about me once again. I didn't
even consider the stuff that must have been going through your head. I'm
sorry."

"I did need you, man. But, even if you tried to help, I wouldn't have let
you. I was angry at everyone. After you left that morning, I felt so
fucking horrible. I never really regretted anything in my life until that
moment you walked out that door. I told myself that this was what I
wanted...I should be happy, but...things started going crazy...with my
drinking, getting kicked out by the `rents, hooking up with Paul and
Dwayne.  They tried to put up with my bullshit but even they got tired of
it."

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Hannah was right. I should have stopped thinking about ME
for once and been there for him, if as nothing else but his best friend. "I
never knew it was that bad."

His face was grim. "Yeah, a lot of shit's been happening in my life...in
the past two months."

"Mine too...gave me time to think about a lot of things."

"I hear ya. I kept thinking about you, you know...and finally, one day,
there I was, with this hot chick, all set to get over you, system ready to
go."

I didn't think I wanted to hear this.

Kenny shook his head, remembering, "And the motherfucker would not rise to
the motherfucking occasion."

I couldn't help it. I burst out laughing.

He punched my arm. "Laugh now, but I wanted to punch a hole through the
wall. I apologized, she said she 'understood, these things sometimes
happen.' I fucking wanted to disappear. That was it. No more
chicks. Haven't had any since that day you left after our kiss and then our
fight. Couldn't. Cuz...I am not totally straight." He looked at me as he
spoke his final words.

"How did it feel finally admitting it and actually meaning it?"

"Scary as hell, but somehow, calming me at the same time. It's whack. Can't
really explain it."

"Shit, Kenny. I wish I was there to help you."

He nodded. "The way I figured it: if I do it once, it might be for
curiosity's sake...if I wanna do it again, I must have liked it. And trust
me, that night up in the tree-house after Owen's wedding...I wanted way
more than a repeat performance. It was set.  Hook, line and sinker." He
gulped and I saw his Adam's apple bob up and down, "I was yours."

I can't describe the feeling that coursed through my body as he said those
words. I couldn't help it. I lunged at him and pressed my lips to his, my
tears falling freely as I cradled his head in my arms that were tightly
locked around his neck. He slowly reciprocated as his hands slid around my
body as well. I felt the heat from his body warming me. I never wanted to
be denied this feeling ever again.

When I started to feel like my brain was screaming for oxygen, I moved away
and ran my hand along his jaw line.

He gave me a squeeze and backed off, "It was easy after that. Once I
admitted it, admitted that it was who I was...well, after that, I would be
damned if anyone, especially ME, was gonna make me feel bad about the way I
was. I told Paul and Dwayne, daring them to reject me. If they jerked me, I
would have jerked them back. But, it's all good.  They're pretty chill
about it."

Kenny laughed as he remembered, "Dwayne just shrugged and said, `Whatever
man...whatever floats your boat.' And Paul said that it left him with more
chicks so he was more than happy. That boy is under the impression that the
reason he doesn't score is cuz of me, not his own ugly-ass face and stupid
over-the-top personality."

I laughed. "He's not that bad."

Kenny shrugged. "A face only a mother can love."

"KENNY! You are ruff!" Paul was actually pretty good-looking. I didn't know
what the hell Kenny was talking about.

He grinned. "He knows I play around with him. But, you're right, he's not
that bad. Just got to calm himself down a bit, you know? He's too
hyper. He's cool with me, though, and has been there through these couple
of months. I owe that dawg a lot."

I shook my head in amazement, "So, just like that?" I snapped my fingers,
"You were able to come out just like that?"

"The ones who matter didn't care. What else do I gotta lose? I already
fucked up by losing you cuz I didn't admit it, couldn't get any worse."

"Won't you feel weird that people will be looking at you differently `cause
you're gay...and think things about you?"

"They could look at me all the fuck they want. Just `cause I finally
admitted that I'm gay don't mean I'm gonna start acting differently. Sure,
stereotypes exist but I'm not gonna waste my time trying to prove to some
random fucker that I don't fit into no stereotype. I am gonna do what I
want, be what the fuck I want...if people got a problem with that, that's
their headache. If they got nothin' better to do than put me in a category,
go ahead.  I'm not trying to fit into one...and I'm sure as shit not gonna
try to fight out of one either.

"If I fucking wake up one morning and decide that I like talking with a
motherfucking lisp, cry `cause I can't help it and wanna wear a fucking
dress...well then, so what? I got a cock, that makes me male, what the fuck
makes me masculine? What the fuck makes me a man, or not a man, for that
matter?

"I wanna know which motherfucker thinks he's got dick enough to tell me
what a real man is supposed to be. The members of the Oppressed White
Heterosexual Males' club?"

I burst out laughing. "Oh yeah! Their pain, their struggle, their
oppression all through history. All they want is understanding and love
from us all. It's quite a sad story. My dad is the president of the club, I
think."

Kenny grinned. "Don't forget Owen, the VP."

He continued. "Listen, dude, I know enough straight dudes that's fucking
tooty fruity and ten times more emotional than you and you know what kind
of an emotional nutbag you are. Yo, you should check Paul
sometimes. Je-sus!

"In the end, it don't matter jack shit who you convince. Cuz, dude, you'll
always know who you are, don't matter what front you put up for others. You
can't fool yourself. So, why the hell waste all that time? And look at all
the time I wasted. We wasted. Not gonna waste more. Fuck no."

"So, you're gonna shove it in people's faces?" Like Thane used to do.

"Hell no! I don't wanna be no mascot for nuthin'. As I said, I got nothing
to prove to no one. No fucking person deserves that much of my conscious
effort."

I shook my head in disbelief. I was wrong about Kenny. Unlike Thane, Kenny
didn't need to prove that he was proud of who he was. He just
WAS. Everything was so easy for him. I was envious of Kenny at that
moment. I didn't know where he got all that self- confidence from. I
couldn't keep the resentment out of my voice. The self-pity. "That's you
all right. I wish I could be like that sometimes."

His face turned angry. There was bitterness in his voice. "Oh, for fuck's
sake, get real.  I'm a selfish asshole who used you and played with your
feelings."

I took his chin and turned him to face me. I held his gaze. "NO! Kenny,
listen to me. I didn't have friends, not cuz you didn't push me to...but I
didn't want anyone but you.  Why do I fight with you the most? Cuz I know
you will take my bullshit and still be my friend. Why do I always play the
whiny, piteous victim card? Cuz I know you will feel guilty and I liked
that I would never be at fault.

"You protected me too much, Kenny. I needed to see the world for myself. I
can't always hope that you would be there to protect me. You don't deserve
to have that responsibility dumped on you and I don't think I've ever
really thanked you for putting up with me for so long, for excusing all my
stupidness.

"But, Kenny...thank you...thank you for everything. Sure, you made me take
the blame for stuff when we were kids, you think you used me. You didn't. I
liked the fact that you would trust me so much, that YOU would also come to
ME with problems. But, that was just superficial stuff, Kenny, because when
it came to real life, you shielded me from it all. You should not have
picked me for your baseball team. You should not have punched Owen for me."

His voice was barely audible, "What?"

"I shouldn't have asked you to do all that for me. I needed to do it on my
own. I may be stretching it, but I think I could have done it all on my
own. If I only tried back then."

Kenny bumped me, "I don't doubt it, man. Don't doubt it for a sec."

I half-smiled, "Yeah...wow...this is crazy, eh."

He looked intently at my face, "You know, back then.you were always too
close for me to actually SEE you. Now." Kenny's eyes roamed my face with
feverish impatience, taking in each sight, memorizing it, discovering it,
like it was completely new to him, "you've changed."

"Hopefully."

He smiled.

I nodded my head with determination. "I HAVE changed. Almost a whole
year...and I feel like a completely different person now. Remember at the
beginning of Uni, I was stand-offish and rude and when you asked me what
was wrong, I would always shut you down?"

"Yeah, you were going through some major PMS. MAN!"

"Something like that...but, Kenny, I was scared. I was scared that things
were gonna change between us. That I would hold you back. Before Uni, we
were always together, you had your high school friends but never any really
close to you, cuz I lived next door.  I felt like I kind of forced you to
be my friend. Now, we were in Uni, alone, you had all your Engineering
buddies, you were gonna try out for the basketball team, a whole set of
crew...guys who were more like you, more fun, could drink without getting
Alcohol Poisoning like a retard. And then, there was me. As my dad says,
'The sissy'. I kept crying about losing our friendship, of us drifting
away, trying so hard to hold on...but, I couldn't...I drew that picture,
trying to capture you, so I would always somehow have you...and..."

"Galen..."

"Please, let me just say it. I know I was wrong to feel that way, but hey,
I couldn't tell my emotions how to feel. I know you would never ignore me
on purpose, and you didn't. It's just that I felt like I was becoming a
burden. This was University, first year, freedom...what everyone talks
about...the year that starts a person's life.  Your dad met Mama Brien in
Uni. You would probably be meeting some exotic chick too, fall in love, and
I would finally have to deal with being gay and give up loving you. You
know, that was one of the things that I resolved to do when I first started
Uni...I made myself promise to get over you. Everything was changing, I
didn't want that. I wanted us the way we were, just us, sitting in that
tree-house. Us against the world." I was crying again.  I never knew
admission of the truth was so mentally, emotionally, and physically
draining. Fuck!

Kenny put his arms around me and pulled me to him. "Hey, hey...come
on. Stop that shit." He held my teary gaze, "Don't worry. It'll always be
us against the world. I've got your back, no matter what. Never forget
that. But, we are always gonna change, Galen.  We have to. We just gotta
make sure that when we change, we keep in focus what's important...we're
not the same Kenny and Galen as before. Yo, you seriously want to be those
two scrawny-assed brats up in the tree-house?

"Those two would never be able to be us right now. They would be too
unsure, too chicken-shit, to be together. Do you want that? To be stuck in
time? Damn boy, I wanna be able to grow up, experience shit, make a name in
the basketball team at this Uni, give Jason Kidd a run for his money, live
with you as lovers, watch you get famous for your amazing artwork, and bask
in your glory, so you could be my sugadaddy and I could play all day
long. And, when a stranger asks me, 'Wow, do you know this Galen Walsh
dude?' I'll look at him and say with pride in my voice, 'Do I know Galen
Walsh? Do I know Galen Walsh??!!! Fuck yeah, I know Galen Walsh!!!! We bang
each other senseless every night!!!'" Kenny got me in a headlock and gave
me a noogie.

I laughed and pulled away from him, trying to fix my messed hair, "Nice." I
pointed to my heart, "Those words touch me right here." I replied dryly.

Kenny's eyes turned serious, "Bro, let's just move on. There's not much you
can do. You get one chance so try for as little regret as possible. It's
too short, you know, that's life."

I stayed silent for a while and then, finally nodded my head in total
agreement. "You're right."

He made a comical face. "Always am."

I shook my head at his antics. "I guess I don't want to be stuck in
time...we got a lot of time ahead of us to do shit."

Kenny looked at me and smiled, his smile filled with love and age-old
frienship. I returned his stare, and felt my life flash through me, like an
old movie...us as kids to us now.

I've hurt him so much, we've hurt each other so much, just because we were
afraid...afraid to be real. And here he was, finally a man, as if in the
blink of an eye, my Kenny was a man, a beautiful, caring, thoughtful
man. No, I didn't want to be stuck in time.

I felt my cock swell. I wanted to jump him right then. I decided to stay on
safer ground, "What made you finally call Thane's place recently?"

Kenny's eyes, which seemed to be reading me like an open book, flickered
down to meet the floor. He cleared his throat. "Oh, well, we didn't talk
for fucking almost five months after our fight in the snow. Then, we made
up in the tree-house after the wedding, and the very next day...we fought
again. It was back to square one. I got tired of missing you, bro."

He smirked, "For the first time, I swallowed my stupid-ass pride. I chose
to let you go.  The least I could do was be happy for you and try to remain
friends while you went back to what's-his-name. I had accepted some things
about myself. I was finally ready to see you. Bro, fifteen years. It's not
bullshit. So, I came to you...not the other way around...I thought at least
we could be friends...so I called his place, Thane's. You know what he said
after he gave me your digits?"

"What?"

"'Don't fuck this up, O'Brien, or I'll hunt you down like the low-life dog
that you are and kill you.' Can you believe it? Pretty boy tried to
threaten me!"

I laughed. Thane had some guts. I pictured them side by side. Kenny was
like 6'3 and 200 pounds of muscle while Thane was about 6'0 and 170. I was
touched, actually. "Are you serious?" Maybe this was Thane's way of saying
that he was trying to forgive me.

Kenny didn't answer. He just kept staring at me.

I looked at him quizzically, "What?"

"He loves you, you know."

I turned away from Kenny and held back a sob. "I know. I hurt him a lot.
That's one of the things I regret most - Thane."

Kenny touched my arm. "Do you...still love him?"

I continued to look down at the floor. "As a friend, yes. But, no, I'm in
love with you.  Always have been. We weren't right together - Thane and
I. I thought I was entering into the relationship without any baggage, but
I was still hung up on you. It wasn't fair to him.  And then, Thane had
shit to deal with too. He was too put-together. Too `perfect'. From his
meticulous apartment, to his clothes, to his black and white, radical
views.

"Everything was too set in stone with him. I felt constricted with him
sometimes, like I was just playing a part that HE wanted me to play. It was
like he was always aware of being `proper'. He came from a very
aristocratic family where appearance to the world was everything and since
he was made to feel like he was imperfect, a failure, by his family,
because he was gay, he tries to keep his present life in order. To a degree
that is almost unnatural. I let myself be controlled by him too, always
depending on him and I think that's why we got along so well. He could
shape me into this perfect boyfriend because I would do as he said. And
that would fit in with the rest of his ever-perfect life.  He never let his
guard down, and those rare moments that he was forced to let himself
go...he BLEW UP. Fucking crazy. He's really got a lot of shit that he's got
to deal with.  He's had a hard life, Kenny. I wasn't strong enough to help
him through it all. It's confusing. Don't be so hard on him.

"But, no, I don't regret breaking up with Thane. What I regret is how I did
it...kissing you before I ended things with him. He didn't deserve
that. THAT'S what I regret."

I felt him stroking the back of my neck. I turned back to face him and
wiped my eyes. He slowly moved his face closer until our lips were barely
brushing together, "I got lucky, Galen, damn lucky. Didn't I?"

I blushed and stayed silent. I was the lucky one actually.

He finally kissed me. When we broke away, he smirked. "Yeah, I'm real glad
I finally got the balls to call his place."

I smirked back. "I'm glad you did, `cause, I was getting sick and tired of
always running after your high-and-mighty, conceited ass. I wouldn't have
made the first move this time."

He clapped me on the back and winked at me, "Finally, kid,...you're
learning..."

I couldn't help but laugh as I pulled his skully down over those beautiful
blue eyes, "Shut up, fuckwad."

He pulled it back and smiled, those dimples appearing, "But, I'm a day-ym
fine-looking fuckwad, no?"

I rolled my eyes, but couldn't disagree, "Cocky son-of-a-bitch! It's a sin
for adults to always praise little kids on their physical attributes. It
goes to their head. I should have warned my Nana. Look at you, always being
told you're handsome. You think you're God's gift to all women, don't you?"

His eyes twinkled as he pecked me on my lips while one of his hand moved
down to my crotch and caressed me, "And gay men, too."

I sat there stunned. This was the first time...Kenny...touched me. His eyes
started to lose their twinkle, as he quickly jerked his hand back. He
probably thought he had overstepped some boundaries. I wanted to tell him
that I would pay him to touch me like that, over and over again. I didn't
want him to be scared of me, of us.

I tackled him on the couch until I pinned him under me, not that he put up
much of a fight. I looked down at him, lying there under me. We would be
ok.  "Give me a break!"

I saw his uncertainty melt away as his smile got wider.

My smile was a reflex to his. I lay down on top of him, stretching myself
along the length of him, allowing him to feel me, feel how happy he made
me, letting him know that I wanted to share it with him. All of it.

He ground his hips up when he felt me, and our hard cocks twitched in
recognition of one another through our pants. I looked at him, my lover,
and he winked again.

Just as suddenly, his eyes shifted moods. My best friend was back. He
grunted, "Ooff!  Galen, you're too heavy. Too, too heavy. You're smothering
me!!!"

I was not amused. I croaked out a fake laugh. "Ah-ha!" I'm sure my
135-pound frame was doing MASSIVE damage to him. "You're so funny,
Kenny. Just admit it, you're just jealous `cause you're an overgrown
freak."

His smile just got bigger, as his arms wrapped around me, pulling me
tightly into him, so uncharacteristically gentle of Kenny. We've never been
this "touchy". Yet, there was no weirdness. It was so natural.

Kenny's voice came as an uncertain whisper, "This cool?"

"Very cool."

In response, he tightened his arms around me even more. Kenny was mine. And
I was his. We were together...as equals.

I can't begin to tell you how at ease I felt, being like this with Kenny.
It's the same ease one would feel knowing someone so intimately for fifteen
years that almost all the pivotal moments in one's life, the other could
recount. From the first time we learnt that Santa was really Mr. O'Brien
(thanks to Owen-the-bastard), to finally learning how to swim, to smoking
up for the first time at Steve-o's brother's place, to sharing in mutual
pain when his dick got stuck in his pant zipper when he was eight, to
sneaking peeks at Cat and her friends when they had sleepovers (not that I
got excited, but watching Kenny get excited was more than rewarding for
me), to growing up and thinking that being 'real men' meant growing apart.

Besides, we cleared our problems. We talked it out. A great burden lifted
off my chest and from what I felt in Kenny, I'm sure he was in the same
boat as me. We could move forward, be free...nothing was hindering us any
more. The thought was very liberating.

We had been in a relationship for fifteen years, and we didn't even know
it.  Go figure.

I lazily ran my fingers up and down his arms, "So, dude, when you showed up
at my door, how exactly were you gonna plan to come out and say it all?"

"Improvise. If not, bribe."

I doubled over laughing, "Idiot!"

"What? What? That ain't smooth?"

I smirked, "No! I was hoping for flowers and candy and
serenading...something like that."

Kenny's face looked horrified, "Um...lemme think about it..." He scratched
his head, "HELL NO!! Besides, you don't wanna hear me sing."

"I know! Thank God. I would have first puked then kicked your ass." I
pecked him on the lips and rested my head back down on his chest.

I pressed my ear to his heart. Whatever front Kenny put up, I knew the
truth. I could see beyond his bullshit act, especially the morning after
our kiss. I knew throughout that fight that he was denying everything to
himself and me, that he did feel it in our kiss. Very few could see through
his act...somehow, I felt special at that moment...being able to see beyond
everything to the real Kenny O'Brien.

He ran his hands along my back. "Dude, seriously, who were you expecting at
the door today?"

I looked up at him, holding back my smirk. "Why do you care?"

He rolled his eyes. "No.just making conversation. I don't care."

I shrugged. "Ok then."

"Ok."

A moment of silence. Then.

I felt his body tense under me ever so slightly. "Seriously, you gonna tell
me or what?"

I grinned as I took in his facial expression. He was quite annoyed and
frustrated. "First admit that it bothers you. That you care."

"Never mind."

I kissed him and went back to enjoying his hard body underneath me. We
shared the silence. I finally lightly punched his gut. "Hannah. I wanted to
give her a good show. As a joke. She's always teasing me, saying she wants
to see me naked." I confessed.

He spoke quietly, pretending nonchalance. "Oh." Then, I felt the slight
release of tension from his body. My whole body tingled in happiness.

After some moments had passed, Kenny lifted himself and me up and supported
his back on the arm of the couch.

He took my chin within his firm grip and turned me to fully face him,
"Galen, saying "sorry" to you is pointless. I never did like that
word. It's too overused.  It's like a reflex for some people...but, you do
deserve an apology from me. I just don't think it's enough."

But...

I had to apologize too, "You're not the only one. Kenny, I am so fucking
ashamed at how I acted when you told me that Mama Brien was in ICU back at
the beginning of last year.  I had been enjoying myself at Thane's and
then, when I came home, I was not a very supportive friend. This has been
eating me up for some time. I didn't do the right thing.  I'm so sorry."

Kenny patted my back, "You finally did it right, man. You finally did it
right. That's what counts. I was upset at the time by how you acted, but
you know, you were shocked too. In the end, you came to our hometown to see
her at least. That made her day, trust me."

I smiled and continued. "Ok, since we're apologizing for everything
now...I'm also sorry for punching you that morning after our kiss when I
came over to your house."

He looked confused at first, then, smirked, "I forgive you, for...TRYING to
punch me, anyway. Any more apologies?"

I gave him the finger in response.

He had the audacity to laugh.

I pretended to look hurt, "You always think you have one up on me, eh?"

He pulled me tighter into him and kissed my cheek, "I never think...I
know."

"Oh, is that a fact? Just because you knew I was gay and had feelings for
you...and I didn't."

Kenny's eyes turned serious, "You could have, if you looked hard
enough. You were too involved in trying to keep me from figuring you out,
trying to keep yourself in check...that you never noticed me."

I must have looked shocked. He NEVER did anything to lead me on. I know,
trust me, all my puberty, that's all I ever did. Look for ANY kind of signs
that he felt the same way for me as I did
him. Nothing...nada. Zilch. Ze-ro.

Kenny took in my skepticism and rolled his eyes. "Well...you are the most
self-involved person I have met." I was about to interrupt his
accusation. He held up his hand, "Yes!  EVEN MORE than me. You THINK way
too much about things that are happening to you and don't pay enough
attention to the things that ARE ACTUALLY happening to you."

I blushed, "When have you ever...?"

Kenny was actually blushing too. He couldn't meet my eyes as he suddenly
looked very interested in tracing my collarbone with his fingers, "Well,
the day we tried smoking for the first time up in the tree-house that
summer...let's just say you weren't the only one who wanted to get his
freak on."

My eyes bugged out of my head, "You serious??"

"I was practically feeling you up...running my hand all over your back. I
was so scared that you would call me on it. I refused to look at you. I
just kept my eyes ahead, out the window...and hoped that you would let me
continue. I wanted to run my hand all over but, I was so afraid. When I
noticed your boner...shit.I got excited...knowing that we could have done
shit, knowing that you wanted it too...but that also got me scared."

I lifted myself more so that I was eye-to-eye, "Holy crap!! You should have
done something!!"

Kenny ran his hand along the curve of my spine as he smiled, "Well, we
could now." He took a moment's pause, "Shit...we are both fucked, eh. I
want you to believe me, Galen.  I don't need you to feed my ego, I don't
ever want to get off knowing that you were so dependent on me. I want us to
be real. Forget all the bullshit. We've made shit-ass mistakes, but now,
it's not too late...cuz, if I am not sure of anything in my life, the only
thing that I do know is that..."

He stroked my hair and his smile got wider, "is that...I love you, more
than you can possibly know."

I took in his trembling lips, his pleading eyes, his sincerity. I couldn't
hold out. I captured his trembling lips with mine and sealed our fate from
then on.

Fuck...the saga of Kenny and me. One twisted mess. What Kenny did to me,
yeah, it was horribly wrong, but I was just as much to blame. He asked me
to jump from the tree- house. I didn't have to, but I did.

I wasn't the victim, I chose to be the victim.

Kenny thinking he owned me - it wasn't fair to me, but then again, an
emotion can't be told the science of logic nor the rules of morality. It
has a mind of its own. Besides, I let him...I liked it. I liked the
security it gave me. I didn't want to be independent.

We were both at fault. Especially me. I shouldn't have been so needy. Kenny
was a kid too. He shouldn't have had to take care of me, fill the void that
was left by my parents. It wasn't fair to him. He tried to hate me for it,
but, he loved me. He loved me enough to keep our friendship, even though I
frustrated him, demanded so much from him. He thought that he treated me
like his possession...but, I let him. I let him do that because I thought
that would keep his friendship. What it did was hurt him AND me.

Now, we cleared some of the cobwebs obstructing our path. We could finally
be together: as equals, as friends, as lovers. Kenny wasn't a great
romantic - he was an asshole. He didn't make excuses for being that way. He
didn't save me from myself, or from others.  He hurt me - bad, and I hurt
him too, just as bad. We weren't perfect...but I loved him. I was in love
with Kenny. He felt the same. That was what mattered.

                                           ***

"Why do you drink so fucking much? You like being wasted?"

His voice was stoic. It scared the fuck out of me. "Sometimes, that's the
only way I am saved..."

"That's bullshit."

His eyes held anger, "Look, it's my only vice, ok?? We should all have ONE
vice in our life. Let me keep this."

"Only...only vice??? Um...drugs?? Random sex??"

"Hey! I used protection every time and I got tested. I'm fine!"

"Kenny!! Don't divert from the topic. You have a fucking problem with
alcohol!"

He turned his eyes away from me. He knew he was guilty. "Whatever."

"But, shit, man, you are on the fucking team...doesn't it slow you down?"

"Who cares?! I'm not trying to make a career out of it, besides, we do
drugs and shit...you never say nothing about that.you do it too."

I was silent for a while. He was more lost than I thought, "But Kenny,
everything in moderation. You get blasted out of your mind with alcohol
every fucking day.  Well, that's what I've heard from Mama Brien."

"Yeah, well..."

"And don't you see how much you're hurting your parents? Mama Brien was so
worried about you. She told me so when I went home for Owen's wedding. How
can you do that to them? They love you so much."

Kenny stayed silent and wouldn't look at me. His head hung low.

I lifted his chin and caught his eye. "Admit it, Kenny, you have a fucking
problem."

His eyes turned red with fury, but I held his stare, commanding him to
challenge me.

Kenny was always the one in charge, the one in control out of the both of
us. He was the one who didn't let anything faze him, and for him to admit
that he had a drinking problem would mean that he wasn't that strong. But,
he was wrong. Admitting it made him even stronger in my eyes.

I cupped his face. "It's ok. It's ok to ask for help."

He swallowed hard. "I can handle it on my own. Don't worry."

"You said you needed me. Then, need me. I want you to need me. Let me help,
please.  You don't have to always act like you don't care. It's ok to be
vulnerable.  To admit that you're scared. You don't always have to be the
strong one. I don't want that from you. I just want my Kenny, with all his
faults. It's ok for you to care about something, it's ok to tell me that
you feel like shit for cussing out your folks when all they were trying to
do was help you. You don't always have to be right. That doesn't mean that
you're weak.  You said it yourself. Being emotional doesn't have to be a
bad thing, right?"

Kenny kissed me. I pulled away and asked him. "Do YOU trust me?"

He kissed me again in answer.

"Then, let me help you. `Cause you need help, Kenny. You have a problem."

I guess he saw something there because slowly he lowered his eyes and head,
a sigh of defeat escaping him, "I know."

I nuzzled his neck and sighed, feeling the pulse on his neck against my
cheek: my pillar of strength had suddenly turned human underneath me, flesh
and bones, vulnerable, open - real. Finally. Thank God.

Apparently, he was so devastated when he punched me over the Winter
Holidays that he couldn't even face me. He was depressed yet also relieved
to know that I had moved out.  That's when his drinking got worse. There
was no one left for him to disappoint, not his family, not me, no one. No
one cared if he drank, and the Engineers didn't help matters since they
were all heavy drinkers themselves, and so he drank to his heart's content.

I vowed to him that I would help, that I would protect him as much as I
could. It was time I returned the favour. It was time for Kenny to lean on
me too, and for me to be there for him. I wasn't going to disappear. I was
his, always have been, and always would be. It was a hell of a promise, but
I knew I could keep it. After all, I had kept it for fifteen years.

                                         ***

We went back to Paul's place. But, before we left, Kenny warned me that
even though he already came out to Paul and Dwayne, it didn't mean that I
had to as well. I was kind of surprised that he wouldn't push me,
considering the fact that he had wasted so much time and effort becoming
comfortable and open and proud about himself. I know it was wrong of me to
assume that about Kenny and think that he would be like Thane. I told him
as much.

Kenny winked at me as he elbowed me, "You don't need to come out to them.
It's cool.  As long as you don't have a problem being best friends with a
poofta, a fucking fag, a fucking queer. Cuz the best part is I love
it. Love it."

I raised my eyebrow at him, trying hard not to laugh. Boy thinks he's
smart, doesn't he?  How dare he make a mockery out of my outburst in the
snow? I tried to give him a hate glare but he wasn't buying it. He laughed.

"Look Galen, we all got our own issues, our own circumstances. What makes
me comfortable won't be the same for you. You gotta do it when YOU feel
right."

I thought about it, and the first thought that entered my head was...I
didn't care. I didn't care if Paul knew. I didn't care if Dwayne knew. I
wanted to come out to them. To anybody. To everybody. I wanted to scream to
the whole world that I was gay and in love.with Kenny. Maybe it was some
reflex action from my childhood where I had to follow Kenny's lead and
since he came out, I didn't want to be left behind, or maybe, I was finally
ready. But, whatever the reason was for it - I wanted to come out. I told
Kenny that I wanted to tell Paul and anyone else for that matter.

As soon as I stepped through the door, a fucking monster jumped me. Kenny
hurriedly apologized for not warning me beforehand. Later, when my balls
dropped down from my throat back to where they belonged, I was introduced
to Lucky, the pit bull.  He belonged to Dwayne. He was adopted a couple of
months back by Dwayne from a shelter for abandoned and abused
animals. Dwayne loved dogs and since he couldn't have one while living on
Rez, as soon as he moved out, he got the dog.

The poor dog had been extremely mistreaed by his previous owner. He was
kept in a small cage in a basement of a house, not allowed to go out, not
fed properly, just used for breeding and when the owner got fed up with
him, he was beaten and left by the highway to die. One of his ears was
ripped up pretty badly and he walked with a slight limp because his owner
had tied barbed wires around his legs.

Although Lucky was staring at me like he was wary of me, I couldn't help
but love the little, clip that, big bugger. He had aggression in him. He
bit and snapped at everyone, but Dwayne was very lovable towards him and
patient, and so was Paul.

Kenny bent down and scratched him behind his ears as the dog jumped on him,
licking Kenny's face. Kenny grinned up at me as I stood beside them. "I
gave this to him when Dwayne and Paul picked him up and brought him home
from the shelter." He pointed to the four-leaved clover with Lucky's name
on it hanging on a chain around his neck.

Dwayne groaned from the balcony. "Shit, man, not that again. You got to
name him, so I get the rest. How many times do I fucking gotta tell you
he's black? He's my motherfucking dog so he's motherfucking black."

Kenny winked at me. "Galen, don't you think he looks more Irish?"

Dwayne interrupted Kenny. "That's bullshit. You can't ask Galen. The dude
himself is as Irish as a bagpipe and kilt!"

Kenny looked over at Dwayne like he was an idiot. "Bagpipe and kilt are
Scottish. Fool!"

I snickered.

Dwayne's eyes widened. "Get the fuck out! For real?" Kenny just shook his
head. So, Dwayne turned to me for affirmation. I nodded my head. He
whistled. "Then, what the fuck is Irish?"

Kenny smirked. "Leprecauns and pot of gold." He added as an afterthought,
"And of course, Lucky."

Dwayne hollered at Kenny. "Fuck you, O'Brien."

I looked at Paul. He held up his hands in mock surrender. Apparently, he'd
heard this `convo' a bit too many times and had no desire to get involved.

I was confused. "We're talking about the DOG right?"

Both Kenny and Dwayne yelled, "YES!" together.

I shook my head. Kenny went back to Lucky as he held the dog's head in his
hands and spoke, "You're like Uncle Kenny, aren't you? Half Irish, half
Italian. Top half Irish."  Kenny turned to me and winked, "Lower half
Italian."

I should have been offended considering both halves of me were Irish, but,
I've seen Kenny's and compared to mine - we-ll...yeah...

Paul groaned. "Dirty, conceited motherfucker."

To that, Dwayne finally laughed. "If that's the case, then, he definitely
gotta be black."

To this comment, I couldn't help but glance quickly at Dwyane's crotch.
Damn! Pants too loose.

Dwayne shared the apartment with Paul. He was on the basketball team with
Kenny. Big dude...fucking 6'6 and built like a brick shit-house. Hot
motherfucker sitting there in the balcony in his du-rag and Phat Farm gear,
with Tims on his feet, pouty pink lips that he kept on licking every so
often, chocolate complexion, a body to last a gay man's wet dream for a
year. He was a cool dude too. Chilled out with him way back when, at the
beginning of first year, when I hung out with Kenny's friends.

Kenny finally left the dog alone with me and walked towards Dwayne. The dog
circled and sniffed me as I stood paralyzed again in semi-fear. Kenny went
through the open sliding door onto the balcony and finally greeted Dwayne.

They clashed fists and Kenny spoke. "What up, dawg?"

"Grindin'..." Dwayne replied, the issue with the dog long forgotten.

"Nothing going down?"

"Ain't shyte going down, been busting our balls wonderin' what the hell to
do. White boy over there," he pointed to Paul, "been wonderin' where you
was hidin' your stank ass."

Kenny blushed and quickly glanced at me. "Been keepin' busy."

Dwayne broke out in a grin and cocked his head to one side and slowly
nodded his head, "Word..." He then turned to me, and his eyes lit up, "
`Sup, Galen? Where you been?"

"Around." I replied as I cautiously made my way to the balcony to join
Kenny and Dwayne with Lucky following VERY close behind me.

Dwayne took my hand and squeezed it while laughing at my reply. "Around?
Your `around' must be pretty fuckin' far. Haven't seen your ass in ages,
yo. I remember the time when you and my boi here was like botty and
bench. Never was gonna find one without the other."

I blushed under his scrutiny and smiled.

I tried to check Dwayne out as surreptitiously as possible, but felt
someone elbow me. It was Kenny. He was not amused. I shrugged and smiled
sheepishly. Ok, so I wasn't that sly.

Dwayne had trouble with his housemates: they were all too into "botany" and
turned their whole house into a greenhouse...if you get my drift. Dwayne
didn't want to deal with that shit and he moved in with Kenny when I moved
out after the Christmas break. Now, after the end of first year, he moved
in with Paul over the summer.

When Kenny got into town, while he stayed with Paul and Dwayne, he had
searched for his own apartment to move into. According to him, he found a
wicked place close by the school. It was a two-bedroom apartment. Kenny
wanted to live with a roommate who wasn't one of his basketball or
Engineering buddies cuz they all partied hard and he would get tempted to
slack off. He was easily distracted but, couldn't live in complete
isolation. He was too much of a social person for that. Kenny had asked me
on the way over if I would consider living with him. I couldn't believe he
even doubted that I would say 'yes'.

So, Dwayne and Paul all knew about Kenny and his bisexuality and I didn't
mind if they knew about me too. With Kenny by my side, I felt free, he was
a familiar comfort.  Apparently, when Kenny had come out to Paul and
Dwayne, they were very supportive.  When I told them about me, they weren't
too surprised. I guess when they had to hear about all that shit from Kenny
when we were in a fight after the Christmas Break...they kinda predicted
that I was the cause. They kept grinning at me and winking.  I kept an
eternal blush on my face. It would definitely take some getting used
to...having people 'know' about me, about us.

But, back to our little gathering. We had all moved to the living room, and
were all sitting around, just chilling.

I saw Kenny pass up a cooler when it was passed to him. He looked at me and
I smiled.  He smiled back.

Surprisingly, I was actually starting to like Paul. That guy even matured,
if you could believe that. But, this was Kenny's crew. He was obviously
very comfortable with them, and them knowing about him...but...well...I
still had some issues. But, Paul quickly fixed that, and Dwayne more than
helped.

Paul hollered at Dwayne, "Galen is back as part of our click. We gotta
celebrate, man."

I was touched by his words. He considered me as part of their crew??

Dwayne turned to me, "Dawg, you want me to bust out a dro?"

Paul, the chronic, answered for me, "Hell yeah. He certainly don't want to
see your nasty, black ass sit and waste away to nuthin'. Pull out the
shit!"

"Please, punk-ass beeyotch, you be wishin' you could touch dis' black ass."

"Not with a 10-foot pole, man."

Dwayne squeezed his crotch and leered at Paul. "Ain't got 10 feet, got 10
inches though, and then some."

Paul scrunched up his face at Dwayne, "In your dreams, mofo."

Dwayne winked at him, "Naw, in yours, every night, ain't that right?"

"I'd rather fuck Lucky."

Dwayne laughed. "He'd rather lick his own balls. `Sides, kid, how you gonna
front it like you don't need me to keep your throat moist?"

Paul looked ready to hurl. "Don't make me sick, motherfucker."

Kenny interrupted Paul, "Fucking hell. Both of you talk so much shit. It'd
take me faster to get high if I grew my own herbs than listen to you two
bicker like some old married couple. Can you roll the shit before my dick
can't rise no more?!"

That shut Paul and Dwayne up, not before Paul grumbled something about
finding new, DECENT friends to which Kenny and Dwayne started to throw the
magazines on the coffee table at Paul. Paul got up and went to his room,
giving us all his finger salute and grabbing his crotch.

I took a magazine lying on the floor and started to flip through it. I kind
of felt left out, I guess.

Dwayne went to get the weed from his room.

Kenny came over and sat beside me, putting his arm around my shoulders and
pulling me to him. "You ok?"

I sighed. "I don't fit in, Kenny. They're your friends. The only reason
they are welcoming me is cuz I'm with YOU."

Kenny shook his head. "What the hell are talking about? Paul likes you
better than he likes me `cause I'm so rude to him all the time. Dwayne kept
getting up my ass all those months asking me why you and I didn't chill no
more. So did all my other friends. OUR friends. Stop pitying yourself. Just
relax and be how you are. They'll like you because you're real. Don't try
to fit in. Just be yourself. I promise, they're good guys. They talk a lot
of shit, but, they're true friends, like you. So, of course, you'll all get
along. Trust me." He leaned down and kissed me.

I had been denied Kenny for so long that I had a lot of pent-up sexual
frustration that was ready to explode. I couldn't help it. I loved kissing
Kenny. I put my arms around his neck and deepened our kiss. Kenny groaned
into my mouth as he grabbed my waist and pushed me back into the couch. I
guess he felt the same way.

My tongue started to completely invade his mouth. His hands were caressing
my sides, pulling my t-shirt up with each caress, and then, his hands ran
all over my stomach. I shivered and thrust my hips up, grinding my hard-on
into Kenny's abs.

"Freaking get a room, you horndogs!" Dwayne hollered, to which Paul came
running out.

Kenny and I jumped apart from each other. My face was flushed and my blush
added even more colour to my cheeks, and then, my hard-on...fuck!

Kenny looked up at them, anger in his eyes. I saw the definite bulge that
made his pants rise and blushed anew.

Dwayne and Paul looked at us and then at each other, gave a second's pause,
and then cracked up laughing, falling all over each other.

Kenny shoved Paul's ass which was in front of his face. "Shut the fuck up!"

Dwayne held out his hand to me. "Damn man, you look all innocent and shit,
but, I knew you had some freaky deaky in you like the rest of us! Sweet!"

I couldn't help it, I burst out laughing too, slapping Dwayne's
hand...releasing all the tension in my body. Kenny soon joined us
three. Lucky was the only sensible one as he looked on at us four wondering
what the hell was so funny.

Finally, Kenny calmed down enough to get things rolling. "Dwayne, man,
fucking get the weed ready, else I'm so gonna be up your ass faster than a
rabbit gets fucked."

Dwayne rolled his eyes at Kenny. "Aight, aight. Keep your nuts in check,
man. Just give me a few secs. You one motherfucking demanding punk-ass
bitch, you know that?"  Dwayne turned to me and raised one eyebrow at me,
"Don't know how you put up with the dude. But, good luck."

I winked at Kenny and then turned to Dwayne, smirking. "Trust me, it hasn't
been easy."

Kenny gave us the finger in response.

As we quieted down, Dwayne got set preparing the stash of weed. I looked at
what he was doing. He looked up and smiled and then started conversing with
me. He seemed genuinely interested in my Arts Program. It was well known.

I, in turn, told him that I was pretty impressed with his skills on the
court when I went to see the games, watching Kenny play. He was a damn good
basketball player.  His position was power forward, and I could believe
it. He was fucking built for it while Kenny played point guard cuz he was
the shortest amongst his teammates and the quickest.

Kenny could set up offense like no other, and I'm not just saying that cuz
he's my best friend. Kenny's goal when concerning b-ball was to be like
Jason Kidd. He had the same body stature as the guy, but, thankfully, Kenny
was good-looking.

Dwayne was smart too. He was in Poli Sci.wanting to be a lawyer.working
with the cops to bust drug dealers. Then, he winked at me and nodded
towards his stash of goodies, "Don't you just love the fucking irony of it
all?"

I laughed. He had a pretty big stash. It was a filled duffel bag. "Don't
YOU worry about getting caught?"

"Nah. I don't grow, nor do I deal. This shit is for my own personal use
unlike my old roomies who were involved in some heavy-ass shit. Some of `em
dropped out of school.  That's stupid. But, I did get caught once...the
Popo who came to bust me, took one look at my stash. I was locking down 2
ounces too, yo, lying clear for all to see in a vase in my living room. He
burst out laughing and told me to keep cool. He left, but not before the
motherfucker took some free goodies for himself."

My eyes widened, "Don't lie!"

"If I lie, then my Mama ain't black."

Daym...the society in which we live...all a bunch of hypocrisy...and we're
supposed to follow the moral code. By whose fucking standard?!!

I sat there, taking in the whole scene.

Watching Kenny glance at me every so often and smile.

Watching Paul still looking peeved at being the butt of Dwayne's
joke. Kenny told me later that Paul was always the butt of all jokes, cuz
he took offense so fast. It was fun to piss him off. Paul got up and took
Lucky and put him out in the balcony and closed the sliding doors. Lucky
looked on at us, the only mature one out of us all.

Watching Dwayne roll the doobies. His pink tongue shot out as he licked the
rolling paper. I was entranced by the movement of it. I've never seen
anyone roll so tight. It was a piece of art. He passed me the first joint,
"The guest of honour...do it man!"

I put the joint between my lips and cupped my hands. Dwayne flicked his
lighter and came close to me. I momentarily made eye contact. He was a
fucking fine piece of ass.  He winked at me. Holy crap. "Blaze it up,
baby," he said.

I blushed in response as I lit the joint and inhaled.

I turned to pass it to Kenny. He looked at me for a second, glaring, and
then took the shit.

Soon, a second and third joints were lit and started to circulate around
our tight-knit circle.

Dwayne lit his and looked at it lovingly and then took a puff, "Mary Jane,
boo...make daddy feel good."

Paul punched Dwayne, "Stop hoggin' the shit, lonely-ass bastard." Even
though, Dwayne had a girl and Paul was single.

Kenny made a pouty face and handed his joint to Paul, "Aw, my baby,
here...this'll make you feel better."

Paul put up the pretense of still being mad for a sec, but soon his eyes
lit up and he took the joint, "Hell ya...good friends, good
times...here...here..."

We all choroused his cheers with, "Good friends! Good times!"

I was finally relaxing and joking around with them. I was one of the boyz.
I've never felt so comfortable around a group of guys, especially around a
group who knew of my sexuality...and for the first time, I didn't feel like
they were Kenny's friends and that they were humouring me. I actually felt
like I was a PART of something.

We were all quiet...enjoying the carefree summer days.

Dwayne turned to me, "Bro, you want a supa?"

Before I could answer, Kenny responded, voice angry. "No he doesn't, man.
Lay the fuck off."

I looked at Kenny, surprised. His eyes were shooting daggers at me. I gave
him a confused look. He turned away.

Dwayne spoke up, "Man, the boy can speak for himself." Dwayne looked at me,
"You want it or not?"

Realization suddenly struck. That day in Kenny's washroom...with the doobie
and the supa...'kissing' him. I had to bite my tongue from laughing out
loud. Did Kenny really think I would do that with Dwayne? He was
straight. Besides, in front of everyone?  Even if no one else was here, I
would still never do that.

He was jealous!! This was too funny.

Ok, Dwayne was hot.but come on, Kenny...my lifelong dream. I would never do
anything to jeopardize that.

I smiled at Kenny, hoping he would trust me. His eyes softened and he
lowered his face in shame as he realized that he was trying to control me
again.

I turned to Dwayne, "Naw, man. Thanks though."

Dwayne shrugged his shoulders and took a puff.

Paul was pretty gone by now. He patted me on the back, and commented on
Kenny and me finally hooking up, "Thanks man, finally...his poor hand was
getting blisters." I blushed until I turned into a tomato.

Kenny punched Paul on the shoulder, "Friggin' loser." But, we were all
smirking. I would be lying if I said that my cock didn't twitch at that
innuendo. Kenny and I will finally...shit...I couldn't even get the words
out.

Kenny looked at me quizically cuz I started blushing even more at the
thoughts roaming around in my head. I was a very visual person, mind you.

Paul caught Kenny's look and glanced as me as well, bursting out laughing.
"Dude, Galen is so fucking red."

I grinned a silly grin and it froze on my face for a while. Then, I took
another huge hit and let the magic seep into my bones. Now, I was at a
point that one would term 'royally fucked'.

Have you ever played a movie in slow-mo? Felt your arms turn to lead? You
think your mind nullifies to nothing? Mouth dry? Occasional spasm of the
leg? A twitch?  A jolt of life before everything slips away? Words
a-mumble? No saving face for no one? Finally becoming REAL? And you don't
FUCKING CARE??

What did I say? ROYALLY FUCKED! Or, maybe, finally sober.

I let my gaze slowly settle on Kenny as thoughts took free rein (with the
help of the weed), giving me a good boner (weed also helped in getting me
horny) in the process which I tried to hide with the couch cushion:

Kenny...naked...yum...Kenny's naked cock, naked ass...naked...naked
soul...naked Kenny...all for me. Yum - my.

You wanna hit it, Kenny? Hit you from the back...from the front...from the
side...upside down...oh yeah...the possibilities...fuck the sky...there
ain't no limits...Apollo landed on the moon...the sky stopped being our
limits...we stretched further...stretched beyond comprehension...beyond the
norm of society...time...stretched...we began to redefine the norm...beyond
physical restraint...beyond 'moral' restraint...stretched...stretched by
Kenny...streeeeetch.that's why we got "infinity". No doubt.

"You ok now??" Kenny asked me.

"Never felt better."

                                          ***

For a week, Kenny, Paul, Dwayne, Trisha (Dwayne's girl), Hannah, Lucky and
I all hung out: chilaxing, just enjoying each other's company until I got
all my shit sorted out and Kenny and I could move into our new apartment
together. Hannah kept smirking at me because I was so giddy knowing that my
life-long wish was coming true.

Paul's curiosity led him to Hannah, and they were now dating. Paul was
pretty emotional, kinda like me, and Hannah was really good at dealing with
people like that.  I should know. So, they were perfect together.

My life was back on track, and I was happy.

We were all chilling in Paul's apartment one day. Dwayne had gone to his
parents' place for the week-end.

Hannah kept teasing Kenny. They had a weird relationship...they always
loved to spar with one other.

"Kenny, cockiness is a sign that you are obviously making up for a lack of
something else." She smirked while glancing at his crotch.

Oh boy, here they go again! Paul and I looked at each other and groaned.

Kenny, though, was thorougly enjoying himself. He wagged his tongue at
Hannah in a lewd gesture, "Shawty, I'm 6'3 and I wear size 13 shoes...and
I'm quite proportional.  What do YOU think??"

I was about to add: And his lower half is Italian...but I bit my tongue
just in time.

Hannah shrugged and her smile widened, "I think that I'm intrigued by
what's in those pants."

Kenny got up and stood, undoing his belt and unsnapping the button of his
jeans. "Let's not keep the lady waiting."

Paul and I both turned to Kenny and yelled simultaneoulsy, "KENNY!!!"

I dragged him back down to the couch and glared at him.

That got both Hannah and Kenny laughing and Paul and I to have red faces.

Hannah turned to me and pouted, "No fair, Galen. Share your toys with me."

That's when Paul hit her with his couch cushion.

As we all started to laugh, I looked around the room. Here were some of my
best friends: some old, some new, some I didn't even think I liked...but
here we were...together, enjoying each other's company. Things were
constantly changing, life was bringing me new surprises with every moment.

I wasn't as alone as I thought. I belonged, because...because I was making
the effort...finally...

I smiled at the revelation.

Now.

If only Thane would return my calls and talk to me, indicating that he
forgave me and wanted to be friends, my life would be perfect.

                                           ***

Kenny and I hung out alone as well during that week before our move while
he still lived with Paul and Dwayne and I sorted out how to leave my grubby
apartment where I didn't sign a lease in the first place. It wouldn't be
too difficult.

I hoped this would be my last move, EVER. During the past year, I have
moved so many times, and every single time was because I wanted to avoid
problems. Well, this move was gonna be different. I was finally free. This
move was definitely permanent. We even signed a lease this time. This was
legal. It was the real deal.

It was a two-bedroom. We shared the cost equally, right down the middle. We
would share the master bedroom since we had both decided to come out to the
public or actually, to anyone who gave a fuck, and we didn't need to hide
anymore, but Kenny insisted on keeping the other bedroom locked, for God
knows what reason.

Chilling with Kenny was like old times, we just goofed around, not really
playing up to the part of a couple...just yet. I think we were both just a
little shy to make the first move. It was really pathetic. We just felt
more at ease being how we used to be...best friends. We kissed and
shit...but one of us would always pull away before it got too heavy. We
were quite pitiable, really. Actually, it was more pitiable for Kenny, Mr.
Smooth Moves, to be so unsure for once in his life. Truth be told, I got
off on that...so I was hesitant to make the first move. I wanted to watch
him squirm. Sadistic?  Maybe.

So, here we were, two of us, finally going to live together, as an openly
gay couple. I had come a long way since September. I would have never
predicted all this.  Never. It's hard to explain but with Kenny, the idea
of coming out was not as scary nor as lonely.  Probably because he knew and
would have to answer to the same people I would when we both came out. We
would survive, if we did it together. We had in the past.  Everything that
we would face, it would work out, because we would be doing it - together.

Us against the world. Kenny and Galen. Nothing could stop us now.

                                        *** Author's Endnotes:

I take the time to write cuz I'm hoping some of you like this story, let me
know, on how I can improve, etc, etc: wereallmadhere@hotmail.com