Date: Sat, 30 Nov 2002 11:40:09 -0500
From: John Windham <vindskinke@hotmail.com>
Subject: ch 4 that's with an "E" john windham

That's with An "E", by John Windham: vindskinke@hotmail.com

Chapter Four

Ok, I give.  Vinde=Wind, Skinke= ham........need I say more.
This is another of Peter's clever ideas from Danmark, which
seems to be the hallmark of this story.  I dislike using a
made up address like this but I think it important not to
involve my work and others in this enterprise.  If you are
still with me then I commend your perseverance.

Do I really need to repeat this mantra every time?  Oh well,
this story is about the love that two men find or rather try
to find for each other.  That by virtue of its nature means
it is a homosexual story.  If you find this offensive then
please do not read any further.


He was at a loss.  What on earth could he do now?  Just
abandon any further hope of contact with Lars this was not
an option.  He was committed to making this friendship work.
His frustration was palpable and could not be hidden.  He
sat down by the phone trying to decide how best to deal with
the situation.  He could not shake the feeling that he was
not alone.  He kept glancing around but it was just himself,
the fire and Verdi.  He walked over to the picture window to
watch as the last vestige of the sunset faded into the dark
purple of night.  As he was just about to turn back to the
fireplace he noticed his reflection seemed out of sync and
skewed. Looking more carefully he realized he was being
watched by his own likeness.  He shook himself impatiently
and grimaced at his overwrought imagination.  What could he
expect next a visit from the dark angel cast away and denied
so like him-self?   His anger and self-recrimination seemed
almost to devour him.  He stared at the phone his eyes
stinging with tears of frustration and disappointment.  How
had this happened?  He could not believe that his life could
be spinning out of control as it was. He looked up to see
John standing in the doorway watching with a worried frown.
A shimmering image waited just behind John and seemed to be
the same reflection he had seen earlier.  It seemed to be
him-self yet not concrete enough to accept but so real it
frightened him to his core.  He started to say something but
could not seem to articulate just what he was seeing.  John,
oblivious to all but Brandon's anguish came to him and
gently wrapped his arms around him.  He assumed that Brandon
could not get Lars on the phone.

"Brandon, do you want to see if we can find Lars?  He could
very well be in his room and not answering his phone.  I can
easily pause at the juncture with our meal it is of no
consequence."

"John we don't have a car after I caused this afternoon's
meltdown.  I can ride the bike into the campus and get
mine."

"No need, we can drive Tom's.  It will do it good to get
some exercise and fresh air."

Brandon's eyebrows shot up in surprise.  Tom's car had never
been out of its cover since he had known John.  He was not
only incredulous but intrigued as well.  Without further
discussion they separated, John to tie things up in the
kitchen and Brandon to put up the fire screen, changing from
CD to NPR and turning on the lights he knew were always left
on.  They put on their jackets since the sun was only a
memory of reflected light and the evening surprising cool.
Together they unzipped the cover and what appeared from its
chrysalis was a glowing cream colored SL190 in what appeared
to be pristine condition.  Unconsciously he reached out and
caressed it as he would any cherished treasure.  He looked
up self conscious to find John beaming in approval.   Not
saying anything he handed Brandon the keys only nodding in
encouragement and blessing.  Brandon was utterly stunned
aware of the high honor being accorded him by this generous
man.  He gingerly opened the door and slid under the wheel
as John activated the garage door.  He could not believe the
glove like fit between him and the seat, the perfect fit
behind the wheel and reach to the stick shift.  It was as if
he had been driving the car for years.  Glancing into the
mirror he realized it was positioned precisely for his
height as he backed out of the garage.  He was amazed at the
smooth purr from the engine. He could not contain a huge
smile that escaped as he geared up leaving the house.  If it
were not for their goal he would have been exuberant.   Even
with their grave mission he reveled in the freedom he felt
with the wind blowing through his hair.  He was torn between
the excitement of the moment and the apprehension of facing
Lars.  They found little comfort looking at the full moon
lambently bathing the scene in a daguerreotype display that
lent itself to the somber task ahead.  Neither of them had
broken the spell of silence instead Brandon reached over
taking John's hand for comfort and strength. John clasped it
with vigor and determination.  The moon's glow gradually
surrendered to the florescent harshness of the city lights.
No longer the comfortable silence of a country road instead
the strident noises of busy traffic.  Brandon now had both
hands on the steering wheel as he negotiated the traffic
naturally apprehensive about Tom's car.

"I think checking his room is the first thing to do.  You
can drop me off in front of Burnside Dorm and it shouldn't
take long."

Brandon wheeled into the loading zone with the finesse of
Dale Gordon.  John gave a short whistle of admiration as he
got out checking on Lars.  Glancing in the rear view mirror
he checked to see if anyone was waiting for his spot.  Since
there was not he turned it off but turned on the radio.  He
was not surprised to hear Prairie Home Companion playing
from the local NPR station.  Was this a way to spend
Saturday night, he thought not?  What had he done to merit
the devotion and care John lavished on him time and time
again?  His shocking lack of control that afternoon had
caused John to wreck his car and he had negotiated the
entire incident with equanimity and poise.  Despite his own
sense of guilt John had steadfastly refused to assign blame.
What would he do without this man's attention and support?
He shuddered at the prospect.  It was imperative that he
express his appreciation, no more than that, his love for
this unique man. It was a complicated love not only the love
one gives to a mentor but something deeper more visceral.
Something that Lars could not grasp much less understands.
He wondered how his parents would react to John.  He had
managed to spare him from that onerous occurrence but it was
inevitable.  He had told John all about them but nothing
could prepare someone for his father, his mother yes, but
not that man.  He shivered not from the night air but rather
the direction of his thoughts.  He focused on the problem
facing them now.  What on earth was taking John so long?  He
shivered again and considered putting the top up against the
chill.  Realizing it was more from incipient dread not the
temperature he did not stir.  Where on earth was John?  He
looked at his watch for the umpteenth time realizing it had
been only 17 minutes.  His knuckles whitened as he grasped
the wheel seeing John coming from the dorm alone his face
expressionless.

"I am sorry it took me so long but I got the floor monitor
to unlock his room so I could check. Not surprisingly it was
immaculately sterile the only clue was his clothes that were
neatly folded and his bike still missing.  It's obvious he
is still out riding or has stopped to eat.  I left him a
long note and asked him to call us as soon as he returned no
matter the time.  I mentioned you would be at the house for
several days.  The only thing I can suggest now is just to
ride around with the unlikely goal of finding him.  No one
on the floor had any idea where he might be.  He evidently
is cordial but distant with the other residents.  This is
consistent with what we know about him."

"John drop me off at my dorm and I will pick up my car.  I
do not expect you to spend your evening riding around
aimlessly searching.  It is enough that I have wrecked one
car and destroyed your entire weekend.  You need to go home
rest and relax.  While you were in the dorm I made a pact
with myself.  I want you to understand how appreciative I am
and how much I dearly love you."

His eyes glistening from unshed tears he reached out and
tenderly touched Brandon's cheek.  He slowly caressed his
baby soft skin as Brandon closed his eyes.  He visibly
relaxed oblivious to the startled glances and whispered
comments. They were surprised to see a beautiful young boy
with his head back and the solicitous ministrations of an
older man indifferent to others.  Some smiled approvingly,
others with a censorious grimace and a few with a tinge of
envy.  John gently wiped away the tears that traced down
Brandon's cheeks as well as his own.
"Ok, we have provided the multitudes with enough
entertainment for one night.  Let's start with the park and
the bike trails which should be a good start and it's
lighted.  Having the top down is an asset in that it's
easier for us to see and to be seen in case Lars is around.
No more of this mushy talk I am not constitutionally able to
handle it."

Brandon maneuvered into the traffic with one seamless move.
Without further discussion they both began to scan the road
for Lars.  The bike traffic in the park was a surprise as
folks took advantage of the trails, weather and good
lighting.  They drove very slowly watching the cyclists as
they sped by at what seemed reckless break neck speed.  Even
with this speed there never was a collision but rather the
whole thing seemed choreographed with amazing grace and
beauty.  After 30 minutes of fruitless searching they
started a circular route around the University in ever
widening circles.  The grim reality of the statistical
unlikelihood of finding Lars was of little relevance. John
switched from NPR to a tape of Chopin Etudes as their circle
gradually enlarged.  Time and time again they were
disappointed as they would overtake yet another rider.
Nothing was ever said but both realized the seeming futility
of their search.  There were no friends to call or anyone
who might have any idea where Lars could be found.   Brandon
became progressively more agitated the longer they searched.
His tense grip on the wheel said it all.  He finally pulled
over and parked.  Looking at John all he could do was shake
his head in resignation.  Without a word John got out and
Brandon climbed over to the passenger's seat turning over
the driving to John.  He headed back out into the country
without discussion or disagreement.  The light from the moon
now had taken on a distilled crystal quality no longer
softening the fields and woods.  Brandon was determined to
not have a repeat of his conduct tonight.  He sat stiffly
staring straight ahead past the car lights into the distant
darkness.  With no preamble he got out the car's cover
declining John's help and preceded to buff it well before
covering it for the night.  He returned to the kitchen and
was surprised to find John sitting, not cooking.  John gave
him a half smile of apology.

"I think a delivered pizza is in order what do you think?
It will be worth the extra charge of coming out this far.  I
think one from the place in the strip mall on the way home.
They deliver and make a delicious pizza. The family makes
the crusts there and all ingredients are fresh.  I haven't
had one delivered since Tom's death.  I stop by on the way
home sometimes.  What would you like on yours?"

"Are you sure you don't want me to run in and get one?  I
will be glad to do it."

"No, little Tony will be happy to deliver and he is such a
little stud it's an extra dividend just to see him.  I will
have fresh artichokes, shiitake, olives, and capers, green
onions, roma tomatoes with anchovies; they call that there
T&J special for obvious reasons.  What would you like?  Look
by the frig in the cabinet and you will see a folder which
has take out menus.  I have never known them to change their
choices unless of course something is not available fresh."

"Would it be impertinent of me to duplicate yours?  Those
ingredients are perfect for me.  Maybe now we can have a T,
J&B special.  I will be glad to call it in."

"No, let me, big Tony's feelings would be hurt otherwise.
Please grab the phone for me, that one has them on the speed
dial.  Thanks.  Hello, this is Jo......ah, hey there Tony
its good to hear your voice as well.  I know it's been a
long time since I've availed myself of your take out
service.  You can stop with the comments I happen to have a
dear, dear friend visiting and nothing more.  Yes, Tony it
will be the usual but can you make that two my guest is a
growing boy with a voracious appetite.  We are in no rush,
in fact I am going to fix us a drink when I get off the
phone and relax.  Tell little Tony to just thump the back
door as usual and come on in we will be in the library in
front of the fire.  Yes it is good to back into our routine
I have missed it as well.  Your care and concern is always
appreciated Tony.  Thank you for saying that, I seem to
never stop missing him either. How is that for family
service?  You see why I had to call?  When Tom died his wife
Renatta just took over the house and made certain that I was
cared for.  I will never forget the way she ran this place
like a well-ordered army unit.  All the children were
conscripted as well.  My friends were incredulous.  Brandon
I do not know how I could have made it through that week
without their care.  I was at a complete loss.  It was
fortuitous that Tom had made all the arrangements a few
years back, not only for his but mine also.  I was unaware
of all of those arrangements until I was confronted with the
realty of Tom's death.  I told you about little Tony well he
would not leave my side.  When I was at the point of
collapse he looked at his mother and then shepherded me up
the stairs to what had been our room.  Seeing the
apprehension in my face he gently nudged me into the guest
bedroom across the hall. He got me undressed and into my
nightshirt and ready for bed.  Only after I was safely under
the covers did he leave.  I was still lying there wide-awake
when he returned about 45 minutes later.  Without saying a
word he shed his clothes and slide into the bed with me,
taking me into his arms he just held me and whispered gentle
reassurances in my ear.  In the protection of his arms I was
able to relax and fall asleep.  When I awoke a bit before
dawn I thought maybe I had been dreaming until Tony came out
of the bathroom.  He gave me the most loving smile possible
leaning down and kissing me on the forehead.  I blushed and
tried to express my appreciation but he stopped me by a
gentle touch of his finger to my lips.  He said `Johnny you
and Tommy are family' and with that left to find his mother
to help where he could.  This routine repeated itself until
the funeral and several days after.  There was never a
moment of sexual intimacy just plain family love and caring.
They taught me a profound and valuable lesson that I will
never forget.  You express your love for those important to
you no matter the circumstances.  Without that experience I
doubt that I could have ever been what I am for you."

"Well, Brandon, brace yourself that thump you heard could be
none other than Thumper the rabbit, Tiny Tony!"

"What's with this tiny stuff, Uncle Johnny?  Is your memory
so limited that you suffer from amnesia?  Tiny my ass you
must be thinking about the Pizza boy who delivers from
uptown chains!  So this is why I am delivering two pizzas
tonight, I must say `Unc' you are moving way uptown with
this one.  Wow, what a looker."

John stuttered almost spilling his drink, "you impertinent
rascal, if your mother knew how poorly you treat your elders
your allowance would be in serious jeopardy.  Tony, please,
this is my dearest and cherished friend Brandon Whiteside.
I want the two of you to become friends.  Seriously, you two
are destined to be friends from now on.  No Tony this is not
some necromancer's divination it is something I know in my
heart as well as my mind that you two are meant to be
friends."

Tony stood back watching this beautiful man that so
resembled Tom.  John had made no mention of this obvious
similarity, no warning about what to expect.  How unlike
John it was to not point out something so obvious.  Is there
a chance he is blind to this twin of Tom's standing here?
Granted he is younger than Tom but he must be a long lost
son, it's uncanny. Brandon stood watching Tony warily not
sure how to take this almost raucous interchange.  They both
seemed to be taking the other's measure as duelist on a
field of honor.  Tony broke the impasse reaching out to
shake Brandon's hand but when their hands clasped he pulled
Brandon into a generous and giving bear hug that just said
it all.  Here I am.  I am what you see.  Take me if you want
but this is my offer and that is that.  Brandon seemed to
intuit his message and returned the hug, ounce-to-ounce,
pound to pound.  When they stepped back neither one could
contain the relief and pleasure they both had shared.  John
standing to the side was glowing with satisfaction.

"Tony, do you think you can stand your own cooking?  I am
calling your folks there is just no way you can leave.
Please stay and share our evening, it's been a stressful
traumatic day and your company will go a long way to assuage
the pain.  Please Tony, please stay."

"I am not calling Papa that is up to you, but I would love
to stay.  I have missed you Johnny.  A lot more than you
realize I think.  You would never have neglected me if you
had known."

Brandon watched this interchange that was charged with an
undercurrent so strong it made you want to step back.  He
had known John now for 2 or 3 years, why had he not heard
anything about this virile young man so obviously taken with
John.  The tension created by there being close eclipsed
conversation.  He hoped that this young hunk would stay
because he felt John needed the reinforcement of something
this basic and vital.  He wondered what could I do to bring
them closer.  Smiling to himself he thought now the shoe is
on the other foot.  He would do the arranging and
matchmakings.  This made the absence of Lars that much more
poignant and profound.  If only he knew where to go in his
search for his lost Dane.  He watched as Tony followed every
move John made.  When he phoned the restaurant, Tony
suddenly became a bundle of nerves, ill at ease and
apprehensive.  Seeing only John's back as he put down the
phone he had no idea what the result was from his call.
John turned looking at Tony and his face bloomed in a smile
of happiness and acceptance.  He opened his arms, as Tony
seemed to leap across the room into John's arms.  After a
brief but passionate kiss he pulled back embarrassed by what
he thought was his unseemly display of affection.  Brandon
walked over to the two and pulled both into his embrace.

"I hesitate to intrude but Tony, if you care for this my
dearest friend, you will gentle, kind and serious with no
hidden agendas.  He is about the most important person in my
life.  I do not think I could tolerate his being hurt or
treated unkindly. I would not have survived this long
without his care."

John began to fidget under this blanket of concern.  He felt
that he was about to smother, "please, both of you just
stop.  I love you both.  You both have changed my life.  Now
let me be really profound, you had both best sit for this
one....... let's eat our pizzas."  He could not suppress the
silly smile that kept surfacing no matter how hard he tried.

Seeing the two of them so relaxed and natural with each
other made his lose that much more painful.  Tony mentioned
seeing the 190 going by with him driving.  He blushed
knowing what an unexpected privilege John had given him.  He
was puzzled by Tony's intense almost analytical scrutiny
especially when he caught his eyes examining him.  What was
it that puzzled him?  Surely he realized that his love for
John was no threat to theirs.  He realized that this was one
of the aspects of this problem he must face.  They realized
the need to establish priorities but now, the over whelming
problem was finding Lars and making certain that he was ok.
They both took turns describing the events of the past day
and Lars in general to a perplexed Tony.

Tony abruptly stood up, "you will not believe this but I am
sure it was Lars that ate supper with us tonite. Your
description fits him to a `T'. He was reserved and taciturn
but extremely courteous and appreciative.  He loved our
pizza. He was on a purple bike and despite his reserved
manner I could not help but notice him since he is quite a
looker. I remember noting that he did not go in the
direction that I had expected but away from the University,
actually on the road to here.  I had wondered why someone
would be out on a dark country road this late.  Yet in
retrospect I did not pass him or see any sign of him on the
side of the road. Do you think maybe we should check more
carefully?"

"No! Not you two, I will do it.  May I borrow your truck to
check the road please?  It will only take a few minutes but
I can not rest until I have tried everything possible."

"It's all yours, drives like a dream and there is no rush
unless you are worried about not having any pizza left.
JOKE, I only want a couple of slices of John's since I ate
about 2 hours ago."

Brandon gratefully took the keys and headed out to the
driveway.  He looked up at the moon, now almost directly
overhead.  No more illusions.  No more hopes.  He was going
to face the reality of loosing Lars.  It would be impossibly
difficult on campus but that was just for one more semester.
He rebelled at the though of this acceptance.  He had never
been one to accept defeat gracefully.  But what else was he
to do.  He sank to the ground and buried his head in his
hands giving in to the overwhelming need to give in to his
grief.  The chill of the night air did not seem to affect
him.  The moon's cold rays now shined down on him with her
unremitting illumination.  Gone were those soft tones of
gentle illumination.  No more illusions.  No more hope.  He
sat there quietly sobbing with his head cradled in his arms.
Oh, shit, he was really cracking up.  He could feel that
presence again.  Someone near.  He now knew it was his
imagination but the effect caused him to take a deep breath
and try to relax.  This phantom duplicate that seemed to
follow in his wake turning up at the most unexpected times,
it demanded attention but always would disappear with
scrutiny.  Why had he not told John?  No big deal it really
was his problem and no one else's.  Lars, Lars Jacobsen,
that is with an `e', not your American's ordinary `o'!  How
that reverberated in his ears.  Trying to be quiet while
blowing his nose he attempted to pull himself up by grasping
the trucks handle.  This became an ungainly mess as the nose
blowing impinged on the pulling up on the truck handle.  He
sank again to the ground in utter defeat. The only saving
grace was that no one saw the ignominy of his failed
attempts.  Shit, there was that feeling again of someone
being near.  He was going to have to commit himself to the
loony bin if this did not stop. He slowly relaxed and lay
down.  Opening his eyes he saw a figure standing in the back
ground just out from the Sasanquas.  He was too exhausted to
be afraid and besides it was just his overwrought
imagination.  He tried to lever himself up with both arms
but was just too innervated to succeed.  The figure moved
toward him and when it did he realized that it was Lars
standing there reaching down to cradle him in his arms.  He
dissolved into the warmth from his touch.  Disbelieving his
senses he found the strength to stand up, leaning against
the truck.  Now he could clearly see, yes it was Lars
standing in front of him.  He reached out with both hands to
touch and reaffirm the reality that he was actually here.
He looked up into his eyes questioning the moment, the
reality, and the future of their communion.  All that he was
aware of was Lars leaning down as their lips touched in
splendid harmony and trust.  He had trouble catching his
breathe much less standing by himself.  Lars just gently
pulled him into the comfort of his embrace and they walked
back to the house in perfect sync and accord.  As they
walked into the library unannounced John turned to greet
Brandon's return but seeing Lars dropped his glass that
shattered as it crashed to the floor.  Tony unfazed by the
entire episode reached out his hand and said, "I am so glad
you liked your pizza.  Do you know it is the duplicate of
their pizza tonight except you did not order capers?  I
guess that means you are a part of the family.  How long
have you been here?  Your bike ride must have been a bit of
a hazard."

"Those monstrous juggernauts you American's drive almost did
me in."

Lars turns to Brandon and gives him a gentle but hesitant
smile.  He traces the outline of his lips with his
fingertips and leans into him touching his lips with a quiet
kiss.


John Windham: vindskinke@hotmail.com