Jack Edwards
jnuanced@gmail.com

The Activist , Pt 14

It’s funny how the things you prepare for are so often not the things you need to prepare for, and how often, when you think you’re ready for anything, you get blindsided. I suppose that’s why Murphy’s law is quoted so often; “Anything that can go wrong, will.” I would add a ‘Titanic’ corollary: “About the time you think you’re unsinkable, you’ll hit an iceberg.”

On my trip home after Christmas, I was blindsided by a couple of things, and I ran into one, very large iceberg.

I wasn't as hungry as I thought I was. Dad’s frown put my stomach in a knot. I worried about whether Mom knew or not, and whether Dad would tell her in front of me. I didn’t know that his frown was because he wasn’t happy with her.

In the restaurant, Dad sat to my left, Mom to my right. As soon as we sat down and the waitress left with our drink orders, Dad and Mom exchanged glances, before turning to me.

"I told your mom," Dad said.

My face grew hot. Mom laid her hand on my forearm.

"I told him that I wasn't entirely surprised," Mom said, gently. "You have always been a little different, Loren. You were always a sensitive boy."

"And I told your mom, that's bullshit," Dad interrupted. "Every kid is different, and a lot of boys are 'sensitive'. That doesn't mean they're going to turn out… ” He looked around “… gay."

Mom frowned at Dad, then patted my forearm. "We've agreed, your dad and I, that we aren't going to talk a lot about this, unless you want to. You're finally home, and I don't want your holidays spoiled."

"But,” Dad said, “I have made an appointment for you with Ben Davidson, the psychologist I told you I play golf with. I just want you to talk to him."

My stomach turned. If they really didn't want to spoil my holidays, they wouldn't be setting me up for what I feared would be the fight of my life.

Dad was watching me. "Look, Loren," he said. "Ben is a decent man. He's explained a few things to me; maybe he can explain a few things to you, too. It can't hurt."

I glanced at Dad. "Oh yes it can," I said. "Is he going to try to do anything to me? Because I'm not going to let him."

Dad shook his head, his eyes meeting mine, patiently. "No. I told you. He's simply going to talk with you." Dad leaned closer. "I'm not trying to fight you, Loren. I'm not trying get you to OU yet, though I've talked to them and they'd love to have you in the fall."

"They also said it would cost Loren credits and that it was too late to try for this spring semester, anyway," Mom pointed out.

Dad frowned at her, then turned back to me.

"To be frank, Loren, I want you to talk to Ben because I want an outsider's opinion... for both our sakes. Ben understands a hell of a lot more about homosexuality than either of us."

“Is he gay?” I asked skeptically.

“No. But he has worked with gay men.” Dad cocked any eyebrow. “And he’s counseled eighteen-year-olds before.”

The waitress returned with our drinks, setting them in front of us while we sat silently.

"Are you all ready to order?" the waitress asked.

"Sure," Dad said. He ordered. Mom ordered.

"I'm not hungry," I said.

"You need to eat something," Mom told me, concerned.

"I'm fine. I don't need anything."

Her brow furrowed.

"Let him be," Dad said. "If he gets hungry later, we’ll stop and get him something."

After the waitress left, Dad cleared his throat, looked at me, then down at the table. "I don't want you missing any more holidays home, Loren; not anytime soon.” He raised his eyes to mine. “Christmas day, your mom cried and your brother and sister talked all day about how they missed you."

I glanced at Mom. "I'm sorry," I told her.

Mom shook her head. "We all missed you," Mom said. "Your father moped around all Christmas afternoon."

I glanced at Dad.

“I ate too much,” he said, dismissively. He glanced at Mom, and then back at me. “And yeah, it just wasn’t right not having you home at Christmas.”

Mom patted my forearm and sat up with a let's-change-the-subject grin. "So how was your Christmas campout?" Mom asked. "I bet Nathan fixed a wonderful dinner."

Dad looked away.

My little sister hugged me. Stefan's greeting was more subdued. Jason and Chase, his usual buddies were there, and even Chase greeted me without his normal teasing and banter. It wasn't my imagination. They were definitely reserved. I wondered if Dad had told Stefan, too. Would Stefan have told his friends?

Though I’d seen them at Thanksgiving, I had the definite impression that Jason had grown taller; not unusual for a sixteen-year-old, but I didn’t notice it so much with Stefan. Chase was still a short guy.

Mom followed me back to my room when I carried my bags back.

"Did you bring clothes for me to wash?" Mom asked.

I shrugged. "A few. I try to stay current on my laundry, but with work and all... I had to bring some laundry home. I planned to do it myself."

"Nonsense," Mom said. "I'll do it for you."

She sat on the edge of my bed as I opened the first of my two bags and began to unpack.

"I saw Linda's mother at the supermarket the other day. Linda has a new boyfriend," Mom said, watching me.

I shrugged. "That was quick. She didn't have one at Thanksgiving."

"Did you tell her about you and Nathan?" Mom asked.

I shook my head. "No.” I paused. “Did Dad tell Stefan?"

"No," Mom said, then frowned. "I don't think so."

Mom watched quietly as I unloaded dirty laundry from my two bags. My toiletries, and a few other items, I left in the bags. That was mainly because I'd brought a tube of lube, thinking it would remind me of Nate and I'd use it to jack off. I wasn't about to bring it out of the bag while Mom was in the room.

"Loren," Mom said, thoughtfully. "Your Dad is right about you being young, and that you may change your mind about things. I just want you to know that we love you, no matter what. Okay?”

I nodded. “Thanks, Mom.”

She smiled. “I’m sorry about Linda, but I like your friend, Nathan. He's a sweet boy. I'm glad about him."

I glanced at her. Mom was still smiling. I smiled back.

"Thanks, Mom. That means a lot. I thought you’d throw a fit like Dad.”

Mom smiled sadly. “Your father is much smarter than me, and he understands people far better. But sometimes… ” She shook her head sadly.

Mom leaned closer and lowered her voice. “When I was in high school, my best friend and I walked in on her older brother kissing another boy. I had to spend some time thinking about it, back then, but I decided that I liked my friend’s older brother, and I liked my best friend, and I wasn’t going to treat either of them differently.”

She got up from the bed and came around to hug me. She squeezed me tightly.

"Don't miss another Christmas with us, Loren," she said. "He wouldn't admit it, but I think your father was weeping Christmas night. I know he's stubborn sometimes, but his stubbornness has protected our family before. Be patient with him."

She leaned back and held me by my arms. "Don't stop loving your father, Loren," she said with a sad smile. "He isn't about to stop loving you."

She left, and I sat back down on the bed, shaken. I'd never seen my father cry. I never thought of him as capable of it. I wished I could have been different than I was; for his sake.

Over the next couple of days, I stuck around the house, and tried to simply be normal around Dad, Mom, Stefan, and Jessica. I'd always enjoyed my friends, but I wasn't that interested in seeing them. They stopped by to see me, though, in pairs and threes. We compared notes about schools and classes. When they asked about Linda, I told them that she had a new boyfriend, and no, I didn’t have a new girlfriend.

I missed Nate.

Dad tried to act normal, too. We didn’t talk about ‘it’.

Mom and Jessie were just like always. Stefan loosened up. He even talked me into playing Risk with his buddies. Chase hung around even when Jason didn’t. By Sunday afternoon, Chase had loosened up as well, and he was hanging around me, more than he was Stefan. I remembered what Nate said about Chase having a crush on me. I began to look at him in a different light, the way you do when you know someone likes you. It was flattering.

Chase was short like Pauly. He was cute. He was even cuter when he smiled because he had an impish personality and always looked like he might be up to something when he was smiling. Despite his short stature, he was a natural athlete, a tough little guy, despite his impish humor, and a good wrestler in his weight class. Of course, I’d noticed all along that he was cute and that he had a tight little body. You just notice that sort of thing more when you think a guy has a crush on you.

I found myself stealing looks at Chase. When I did, I caught him watching me.

As I lay in bed Monday night, I imagined what might have happened if Nate had come with me. We might have been able to find out if Chase was gay, and if so, we could have introduced him to ‘things’ together; like we did things with Pauly together.

I got a roaring erection. After all, I hadn’t had sex with Nate since Saturday night, and I hadn’t jacked off yet, since coming home. I was out of the habit – no need to jack off when I was with Nate so much.

I locked the door, retrieved my lube from the nightstand, and lay back thinking of Nate.

Tuesday afternoon, New Year’s Eve, Stefan was out with his friends. Dad was at his office. Mom was out somewhere with Jessica. I was lying on the couch, on my side, watching a basketball game on TV when Chase walked in.

"I thought you were with Stefan," I said.

He shrugged. Kicking off his shoes, he took the other end of the couch, sitting with his back against the arm. He shoved his feet behind my butt.

"They were going to Tricia's house. I didn't feel like going."

"Oh," I said.

I had gym shorts on, and a tank top. Chase stuck his sock-covered toes up the back of my shorts leg.

"I'd rather bug the shit out of you," Chase said.

"Go ahead and try," I told him. "I'm not buggable today."

"Wanna bet?"

"You lose either way if I do bet," I told him.

"How's that?" he asked with a grin.

"If you succeed in actually bugging me," I told him with a frown, "you'll regret it."

Chase's grin spread from ear to ear. Inside the back of my shorts, he poked with his toe.

"I'll break it off," I told him.

"What?"

"I'll break off your big toe if you goose me with it."

Chase chuckled, and poked again.

I reached back for his foot, but he jerked it away. When I rested my arm back in front, he toed me again. I swatted back at him. He kept it up until I caught him by the foot. He tried jerking it away, but I hung on, sitting up. In a second, we were tangled and rolling off the couch. We fell down onto the floor between Mom's heavy coffee table and the front of the couch.

From junior high on, wrestling other guys was something I always had to be careful doing; I got hard-ons. Wrestling with Chase's shorter, wiry body stirred me a little, but I was preoccupied with not letting him get me in one of his wrestling holds. I managed to get on top of him, pinning his body with mine in the narrow space between the coffee table and the couch. Then I tickled him.

He exploded under me, and taking advantage of my hands being at his ribs rather than steadying me on top, he struggled from under me, working up onto his side. I went with him, slipping down onto my side, facing him. The tight space crammed Chase and me, belly to belly. Our legs got tangled, his hands clutching mine, trying to work them up over our heads. I felt the unmistakable hardness of an erection press against my hipbone. Chase had a thigh between my own legs, and my cock began to thicken against it.

Chase's face was level with mine. Our laughing stopped at almost the same instant. He lost his grin. More of a sick, aching look passed over his face. That was right before he closed his eyes and kissed my lips.

His face stayed close to mine; his eyes closed, almost in a grimace, as if he expected to be hit.

I almost laughed. But I was also surprised. I'd known Chase since I was ten and he was eight. He'd always hung around Stefan, and he and I had always had a fun friendship. Knowing Chase might have a crush on me, and even flirting with him a little, had simply been play. That is, until that moment, penned together, with hard-ons, and him kissing me.
On the one hand, I didn’t want to embarrass him by shutting him down too hard. On the other hand… I was getting a hell of a hard-on.

Our arms were still stretched over our heads. We were nose to nose. I couldn’t think of what to do, other than to try to appear casual about it.

"What is going on?" I asked, rather stupidly.

Chase flinched and leaned back from me, pulling his hands back to his chest. He didn't pull his hips back, though. I rested my arm on the side of my waist. I didn’t pull back my hips yet, either. No rush. His erection on my hip sort of excited me, as did his leg under my own erection.

"I'm sorry!" he quickly said, his face flushing deeply. His eyes dropped. "Stefan said you were gay," he mumbled quietly.

I frowned. "And how is Stefan supposed to know that?"

Chase's mouth twisted uncomfortably, but still, he didn't pull his hips back.

"He overheard your parents talking about it," Chase stammered. "He said they were behaving weird, so he spied on 'em."

"And now Stefan's told everybody?"

Chase's eyes widened. "No!" he said, shaking his head. "Stefan only told me."

"You sure?"

Chase nodded.

I narrowed my eyes at him and cocked my head. "How can you know he didn't tell anyone else?"

Chase bit his bottom lip. "Because I'm different."

"How?" I asked, thinking I could guess how.

Chase cast his eyes down. "I told him last summer that I thought I was gay."

"You told Stefan?" I asked, surprised. I couldn't imagine telling any of my friends in high school. But then, Chase and Steff had been friends forever.

Chase nodded.

"Stefan didn't freak out?" I asked.

Chase shook his head slowly. "Not about me, he didn't. Not even when I told him I liked... you."

I couldn’t help a small smile. "Nate said you had a thing for me," I said. "I thought you just liked wrestling." I tickled him, and he wiggled, which had the effect of wiggling our erections against each other, so I stopped.

Chase laid his palm on my chest. "You are gay, right?" he asked. "I mean, you have a hard-on, too."

I nodded. "Yeah. But," I said, getting ready to finally slide out from against him, "I have a boyfriend."

I got up on the couch and sat down. Chase got up and sat beside me. Before sitting, he was standing long enough for me to get a glimpse of the big tube of his erection in the front of his pants, angling off to the side.

"Nathan?" he asked. "He's your boyfriend, right?"

I nodded. "Yeah."

"He's very good looking," Chase said.

"Yeah," I agreed, smiling. "He is."

Chase nodded. His eyes dropped to his lap and he sat quietly, considering.

"So?" I asked. "Is Stefan gay?"

"No!” Chase said, recoiling a little. “He’s really straight.”

I was relieved in a way, not because of any of my own prejudices, but because it would be weird to be around Stef if he was gay, too... like how would we feel about each other. I had a sudden insight as to how he might already be feeling, being around me.

"What did Stefan say when he found out about me?" I asked.

Chase shrugged. "He wouldn't talk to me for like, three days. Then he wanted to know if you and I had ever done anything. He still doesn't like you being gay." Chase glanced at me. "But he's the one who told me to come over this afternoon. He said you'd be alone."

"Seriously?" I asked. I tried to think what might be going through Stefan's mind. I tried to imagine what he must be thinking about me. What was he thinking that he told Chase to come over? Was he cool with that?

Chase laid his hand on my bare thigh.

"I've never done anything with anybody," Chase said.

I felt my cock begin to thicken again.

He looked up at me. "I've liked you since Boy Scouts," Chase said. "I used to dream that you'd come into the room, some night when I was sleeping over with Stefan. I used to dream that you kissed me."

He gave my thigh a squeeze and gazed earnestly into my eyes. "Can I kiss you?" he asked, barely breathing.

I thought about it. I liked Chase. I didn't want to hurt his feelings. What harm was there in letting him kiss me? I hesitated, because I wanted to do it.

Chase didn't wait for me to come to a decision. He leaned up and kissed my lips for the second time. I let him. I kissed him back, and kept kissing as he maneuvered up from beside me, straddling my leg, his mouth over mine. He probed in with his tongue, and I let him. I held his side. He was lean.

He felt over my chest. Breath from his nostrils washed over my face. Our lips parted as he looked down my body and started to pull up my shirt.

That's when I caught myself.

"Whoa, Chase!" I said, stopping his hands. "I told you. I’ve got a boyfriend, okay?"

Chase looked at me, flushed, his nostrils flaring with his breathing. He adjusted his knee under my crotch and moved in to kiss me again.

"No," I murmured, trying to lean back and away.

He came with me, and I wound up with my back on the seat of the couch and Chase on top of me, trying to place his lips on mine.

I tickled him. He squirmed but kept trying. I could feel his erection on my belly, just up from my own. I got out from under him, standing up over him, catching my breath. His eyes fell to the front of my gym shorts. I stepped back away from him.

"You don’t have to tell Nathan anything, right?" he asked.

“Wrong.”

Chase frowned. “Couldn’t you explain it to him?” he asked, changing his look to hopeful. "He'd understand about you and me being friends forever and all, right? I mean, I’ve known you longer than he has, and I just never had a chance to do anything with you."

He got up from the couch. I backed, he came to me. "Please, Loren," he said. "I didn't know you were gay before. You don't know how much I wanted… you!”

I backed again and he stopped in front of me, hands imploring. "Please. I've never dreamed of anyone else."

I had to smile, then. "No one else? Ever?"

A smile played at the corners of his mouth. "Well, maybe." Then his look grew serious again. "Ever since Stefan told me about you, though, I haven't thought or dreamed about anyone else. I've been thinking all the time about you... us... you know."

My dick was hard as a rock, partly because Chase, standing there with his dick also obviously hard as a rock, was so ready. Just because you've known someone a long time doesn't mean you can't get instantly horny for each other; not when you're sixteen and eighteen.

The automatic door in the garage began opening.

"Back to your room?" Chase asked, panicky.

"No!" I said, taking a seat back on the couch. "My parents know I'm gay, Chase. What will they think, finding you alone with me in my room?" I lay down, on my stomach to hide my boner. "And don't you think we're going to do anything later," I told him. "I’ve got a boyfriend."

Chase dropped into my father's recliner, folding his hands in his lap, hiding his boner.

Mom came in from the garage with my little sister.

"I left groceries in the car," Mom said. "I bought a lot of stuff for tonight. Can I get you boys to bring it all in for me?"

"Sure, Mom," I said, glancing at Chase. Hiding our hard-ons was going to be a challenge. He was fighting a smile.

As soon as my mom had her back turned, we made a dash for the door, laughing. It was, after all, funny.

"Loren," he said, as we picked up the first bags, "can we just talk sometime? I mean, like you can tell me what it's like... you know... having a boyfriend, doing stuff with him, what it's like being gay at school and all?"

"Sure," I said. "It's nice outside. Once we get the groceries in, let's sit on the back porch."

It was one of those winter days where the sky was a deep cobalt blue, and high above were wispy clouds. It was sunny, but I pulled on a windbreaker, because the air was brisk. Chase and I moved two lawn chairs out into the sun, over to one side, where the house cut off the wind. Chase set his chair close to mine.

The sun felt good on my bare thighs. I leaned back and closed my eyes to the sun, feeling it's warmth on my face.

"You really haven't ever done anything with another guy?" I asked.

"Well, sorta," Chase said.

I glanced over. His face was turned up to the sun as well, eyes closed. I laid my head back and closed my eyes again.

"How sorta?"

"Well," Chase said, slowly, "Stef, Jason, and I used to jack off together.”

“No shit?”

“No shit.”

“Did you ever jack each other off?”

“Yeah. Some. Tommy Jordan and I did that a few times. I tried to get Tommy to try other things but all he would go for was us taking turns humping each other’s butt crack… you know, where you lay your dick between the other guy’s buns and rub it there.”

“Yeah,” I said, nodding. “Did you like it?”

“Yeah.”

Tommy Jordan wasn’t as cute as Chase, but he was another trim little guy. The mental image of Chase on top of him, humping away, stiffened my cock all over again. I resisted the urge to give it a squeeze.

“Did Tommy like it?” I asked.

“Some, but we quit doing it once we got to high school.”

Lying back, eyes closed, talking to one another, made it easier in a way to open up; sort of like talking in the dark.

“I used to do stuff with Jimmy Davis, in junior high. Remember him?” I asked.

“Not really.”

“He was my best friend.”

“What’d you do?”

“Same kinds of things you did, and a little more.”

“You cornhole each other?”

“Yeah.”

“Suck each other’s dicks?”

“Yeah.”

“Did you like it?”

“Oh, yeah!”

“Why’d you stop?”

“Jimmy moved away.”

“Oh.”

Except for the breeze, the yard was quiet. The entire neighborhood was quiet. I glanced over at Chase’s lap. He was hard again; if he’d ever gotten soft. I glanced into my lap. My erection was outlined almost perfectly. I shifted, loosening up fabric in the front of my gym shorts. I thought about covering up with my hands in my lap, but it’d be tempting to rub myself. I decided to wait and cover up if anyone came out. Besides, I knew that Chase was stealing glances at my lap, and it was sort of fun to let him.

“You do any of those things with Nathan?” Chase asked.

“Nate and I do all of those things,” I said. “But it’s different.”

“How?”

“Well,” I said, “Nate and I aren’t just kids, trying things out. We make love. That’s different. I mean, we take it slow. We make it feel good for each other. We kiss and caress a lot. We hold each other a lot and, you know, rub together. Mostly, it’s different because of how we feel about each other.”

“You suck each other’s dicks?”

“Yes.”

“You cornhole each other?”

“I wouldn’t exactly call it that. I mean, like we have different positions, and often, we hold each other, face to face to do it, almost like a missionary position.” I thought of Pauly. “One weekend,” I said, “a friend of ours who we really like was alone on his birthday and all, and we let him come to bed with us, and when he and I did it, we did it that way, and it really was almost like doing it with a girl… the way we fit and all.”

“Oh, shit,” Chase murmured. I glanced over to see him rub the front of his pants. “A three way?” he asked.

“Yeah, I guess it was a three-way. His name’s Pauly, and he’s a shorter guy, like you.” I knew I shouldn’t say what I said next. It was a perverse impulse. But I was aroused, and talking seemed harmless, even if it was hot. “Pauly and I fit together really good that way,” I said, “holding each other face-to-face, with me, you know, lying on top of him. He wrapped his legs around my waist and we kissed while we did it.”

“You’re getting a wet spot on your shorts,” Chase observed.

I glanced down. “Shit!”

“I am, too,” Chase said.

“We better quit talking about this.”

“But I wanna ask something,” Chase protested. “You had sex with Pauly, right? And Nathan didn’t mind. Why can’t you have sex with me?”

I swallowed, trying to think how to answer. Truth was, it was easy to imagine Chase’s short, tight body under mine, like Pauly had been. It was easy to imagine my dick inside his tight hole, feeling his tighteness slide up and down my dick. And… it was easy to feel some of the same kind of affection for him that I felt for Pauly.

“It’s difficult to explain,” I said. “Pauly was different because he’s such a good friend of both Nate and me. Nate and I did him together… not me with someone else.”

“I wish Nate had come up with you, then,” Chase said.

“Me, too,” I said, without thinking. I glanced at Chase.

He covered his eyes from the sun and grinned at me.

Jessica leaned out the back door. “Telephone, Loren,” she called out.

Chase laughed. “How you gonna hide your wet spot?” he asked.

I pulled the hem of my tank top down as I stood up, stretching it down to cover. “Done!” I said.

“I wanna talk more later!” Chase called after me.

The phone call was from a girl I knew; with another invitation to a New Year’s eve party. It was the third invitation I turned down since being home.

“I’m not here long,” I told her. “I want to spend as much time as I can with my family. My little brother, Stefan, is having some of his friends over tonight, and my parents are staying home. So I’m staying home.” I also had plans to call Nate just before midnight. I didn’t tell her that.

I’m not sure my parents would have gone out that New Year’s Eve anyway. My mother never liked being out that night, and as Stef and I had gotten older, they felt like they needed to keep an eye on us.

Stefan had girls over that New Year’s Eve, as well as his boy friends. Since my parents planned on letting them all have champagne at midnight, the boys were to sleep over. One of the girls’ parents was picking the girls up at one in the morning, to take them all home for a sleepover there.

Two of the girls really flirted with me. I was friendly, but only friendly. Stefan and his buddies corralled the girls back in. Chase stuck close by me, and that was unsettling. It was unsettling because, since that afternoon, it had been difficult to keep Chase out of my imagination. I kept imagining him under me the way Pauly had been. I’d try shoving it from my mind, but the images kept coming back.

At eighteen, horniness is a chronic condition anyway, but when you’re used to daily and frequent sex with you lover, you stay even more primed.

It didn’t help that Chase had dressed in snug bells; cords. The cut of the pants showed off his ‘features’, front and back. His shirt was unbuttoned low enough to show the warm-looking, flawless skin of a hairless chest. My eyes had a mind of their own, and kept drifting to him. Chase noticed, of course. And I saw where his eyes kept going.

As midnight approached, the girls maneuvered close to boys they hoped would kiss them. I headed to my bedroom. ‘The kids’ – Jessica, Stefan, and I – shared a separate phone line. Each of our bedrooms had a phone, though, and there was a house full of people, so I would need to be careful what I said to Nate. I figured no one else would try getting on at midnight, but I needed to be careful. Back then, long distance was more expensive, so I couldn’t talk too long anyway.

I closed the door to my room, and lay back on my bed.

It turned out that Nate couldn’t talk long, either. A few local, gay guys – those too young to hit the bars – had talked Nate, and the couple of guys who were at Lambda House over the holiday, into letting them use the house for a New Year’s Eve party. It was noisy.

And yet, as soon as I heard Nate’s voice, it was like being home. I relaxed inside. He wanted to know how everything was going. I told him about my mom’s surprising lack of reaction, and about Stefan evidently knowing I was gay already. I told him about Chase coming out to me, without telling him about Chase kissing me.

“Just be careful,” Nate told me. “That guy’s got a crush on you.”

“And you be careful,” I told him, “with all those horny young guys at our house tonight.”

“Don’t worry, Thumper,” Nate said with a chuckle. “I remember Christmas day.”

I smiled. “Yeah, Thumps. I love you. I love you so much.”

I heard cheering from the other room and glanced at my watch. “Happy New Year, Nate,” I said.

“Happy New Year, baby.”

“Happy New Year, Loren!’ I heard someone yell in the background.

“Was that Travis?” I asked.

“Yeah,” Nate confirmed. “He came back early to set up a welcome for returning gay students. You told him about not knowing how to meet gay students when you first came to UT, so he’s setting something up.” Nate lowered his voice. “Honestly, I think he just came back early because he’s from Kerrville, and there are like, no gay guys there.”

I understood. If it weren’t for my family, I would have stayed in Austin.

Incredibly just as quickly as hearing Nate’s voice took me back to Austin, hanging up brought me back to Oklahoma.

I should have gone right to bed after I hung up. I didn’t think about it then. Instead, I walked back out to the living room. Some of Stef’s friends were dancing there. Jessica was dancing with Jason. Mom was in the kitchen, talking to one of the girls. Dad was in the den, playing penny poker with Chase and two other guys. I joined the game.

The girls left at one, taking Jessie with them. My little sister beamed at being included with the older girls. Mom and Dad headed for bed.

“There are sleeping bags and pillows in the left, den closet,” Mom said. “You boys can sleep wherever you want.”

Chase glanced at me, and I knew he wanted to sleep in my room. I didn’t shake my head no. I simply looked away.

We played cards for another hour before guys began rolling out sleeping bags or heading for Stefan’s room. I said goodnight and headed for mine.

I brushed my teeth and took a whiz. Then I stripped naked, the way I always slept since being with Nate, and crawled into bed. I thought about putting on shorts, but I didn’t.

I turned out the light and lay back, wide awake and hard. My room had thick drapes, and it was pitch black. Getting up from the bed, I parted the drapes enough to let in moonlight, then returned to bed.

A moment later, my door opened. It was Chase. He closed the door behind him. I heard the click of the lock.

Chase came up to the bed slowly, his eyes adjusting to the dim light. He looked down at me and forced a smile.

“I hoped I could sleep in here with you,” he said.

I nodded. Even at that point, I told myself that nothing would happen; that Chase and I would only talk some, probably about being gay. I knew better, of course. In my heart of hearts, I knew better.

Chase undressed beside the bed. When he was down to his briefs, I could see his erection, clearly, angling out to the side.

“I sleep naked,” I told him.

Chase pulled off his briefs. His cock was probably average; it wasn’t as long and thick as Pauly’s, but for a guy his height, Chase’s wasn’t bad. It was thick, with a slight upward curve that gave it a classic erection look; the kind you want to wrap your hand around.

Pauly looked sixteen. Chase was sixteen. He was hairless except for a mustache-size pubic patch over the base of his cock. He was leaner and tighter than Pauly. His butt was like two fists of muscle.

I threw back the bedcovers, and Chase’s eyes shot to my cock, pointing up my belly. His eyes lingered there, then traveled up my belly and chest. When his eyes met mine, Chase crawled into the bed beside me. I rolled up on my side to face him and pulled the bed covers back over us up to our waists.

“Could I give you a New Year’s kiss?” he asked in a very quiet whisper.

I nodded. He hesitated. His lips quivered, just slightly.

I wrapped an arm behind the small of his back. He laid his hand on my shoulder. I gently pulled our bellies together. Our crowns poked each other in the groin and then slid up our stomachs. I grabbed his hard little butt, and gave it a squeeze as my tongue probed into his mouth.

The feel of his body was different from Nate’s and from Pauly’s. As lean as Chase was, his was still more of a boy’s body. The differences focused my mind to a crystal clarity for a moment, and in that moment, I could have pulled back… maybe… if I had wanted to. The moment passed and Chase responded hotly to my tongue in his mouth.

I rolled him onto his back and moved over him. I opened his legs for mine to settle between. I pumped my hips and he responded, rubbing cocks with me while we kissed and he held my shoulders.

“You can feel my body if you want,” I whispered. “You can feel me anywhere you want.”

I covered his mouth again with mine. His hands tentatively explored my shoulders, then my back. Our hips ground together. I felt his balls under mine, and made a point to slide mine on his. His hands found my butt. At first, he simply felt over it. Then with a gasp, he broke from the kiss, grabbing my butt and grinding up against me hard.

He whimpered, almost silently.

And then he was still under me.

“Did that feel good to you?” I asked in a whisper beside his ear.

He nodded.

I knew that when Nate lay on me the way I was laying on Chase, I tended to stay hard, or get hard again, easily. I usually didn’t have the let down that often comes after sex.

So I lay on Chase and rubbed his soft cheek with mine. “Catch your breath, Chase,” I whispered. “We’ll go again. You have other things to try.”

He stirred then, stretching under me, his hands on my back.

I kissed his neck and throat. I kissed down onto his chest. I sucked and teased his nipples, bringing them both up hard into little nubs, and I felt his dick harden under my belly.

I slid down his body, stopping to taste the cum on his belly. His cum was watery, like mine had been in early adolescence. The taste was mild. I licked him clean.

I licked around his loose balls and between his legs. He smelled young and pubescent; the way I did at sixteen. The skin of his scrotum had an after-sex thinness, warmth, and moistness. I licked up his shaft and he grabbed my hair. I closed my mouth over his crown, and with a gasp, he arched under me.

I bobbed on him, taking him deeper and deeper until I nosed into his pubes. I rubbed inside his legs as I sucked on him. I rubbed over his belly. His muscles didn’t have the hard leanness of Nate’s, but they were firm and there wasn’t an ounce of fat on him.

I released his cock and slid up his body. I pressed the side of my face to his. “May I make love to you?” I whispered. “May I put my dick inside you and show you what it’s like, face-to-face?”

He nodded.

I stretched over him, reaching into the nightstand. Retrieving the lube, I showed it to him. “Sterile lubricant,” I whispered. “To make it easier. But we’ll go slow.” I grabbed a pillow. “Lift your hips,” I said, rising off him.

He lifted his hips. His dick, darker than the rest of him in the moonlight, pointed up his flat little belly, looking thick on him. His balls were darker, too, hanging loose between his legs. I stuffed the pillow under his butt, then raised his legs with a hand under the back of each knee. I pushed a knee up under each armpit and his butt barely rose. Chase was really flexible.

First, I lubed my cock. He watched my hand stroke the lubricant up and down my shaft and over my crown. He didn’t look frightened, despite my larger size. He looked ready.

I rubbed lubricant into his crack. Setting the lube aside, I used my non-lube hand to caress his balls and rub under his cock, while with my other hand, I probed at his bottom, and inserted the tip of my middle finger.

Chase gasped and stiffened.

“Relax,” I told him. “Just relax. It’s going to feel good.

He bit his lip; I could tell he was trying to relax his bottom.

“Do like you’re going to push out a turd,” I suggested, slipping my finger in farther.

When my finger was all the way in, I probed for his prostate.

“Oh, shit!” he said aloud, arching, when I found it.

I grinned. “Told ya it would feel good.” I pulled my finger back and inserted my index finger with it.

Chase’s face tensed. “Relax, Chaster,” I whispered. “You’ll get used to it.”

He nodded, tense, but concentrating.

I twisted my hand, rotating my fingers in his hole, and I rubbed his perineum with the heel of my other hand, fondling his balls at the same time.

Moving my knees forward under the backs of his thighs, I pulled my fingers from inside him and stroked my cock. I aimed it at his opening.

“Now for the real thing,” I whispered, pushing down on the back of his thigh to keep his knees up. Holding my crown at his opening, I leaned forward. My crown popped in.

Chase arched under me. His hands grabbed at my knees, pushing, as if he might wiggle off me. I held his hips to keep my crown inside him.

“Just relax,” I whispered. “Just relax.”

He nodded, trying. After a moment, he took a deep, shuddering breath and his body went less rigid. I eased in a bit more. He took it.

Falling over him onto my hands, I bent my head down and kissed his lips. His mouth opened to mine, and as the kiss warmed, I eased about a third of my cock in and then out and then into his hole.

Reaching between our bellies, I stroked his cock back to full erection. When I had about half my cock going in and out, I lay down onto him, slipping my forearms under his back and grasping the backs of his shoulders. I felt his palms on my back.

I kissed him, working the end of my cock in him. I didn’t use just my hips. I moved my body forward and back. Keeping my lower belly tight as I could, I rubbed it on the underside of his cock.

Resting the side of my face against the side of his, I concentrated on the sensations, especially at my cock. Chase’s shorter body fit under me like I imagined he would; like Pauly did.

Using the endurance I had learned with Nate, I took my time, sliding my cock in and out of his tightness, making wet noises in the night. I could hear our breathing. I could hear the faint rocking of the bed.

I kissed him from time to time. He remained a little tense. I tried to calm him. I tried to keep his cock hard with my belly.

My balls began to tighten, and my hips took on a life of their own. Soon, my pubic bone was banging his perineum. I felt the hardness of his bottom bones at the base of my shaft as I pounded. I went mindless with pleasure.

He whimpered, and his dick had grown soft; but I was almost there.

“Oh, Chase! Oh, Chase!” I murmured with my thrusts.

Holding him in my arms, my cheek against his soft cheek I nuzzled him. “You feel so good,” I whispered, grinding, driving, gasping. And then it hit, and I held Chase tightly as I pumped my seed into his smaller body.

The fog of my orgasm cleared, and almost immediately, the ache of regret started to rise in me. I fought it off, and I realized that poor Chase was tense under me. His hands clenched hard on my lats.

“Are you done?” he asked in a pained voice.

Immediately, I eased out. “Yeah. Sorry. I got a little carried away.”

I rolled off him, onto my side. Chase relaxed visibly, and let out a sigh.

Remembering my experience with Travis, when he fucked me and it hurt, I felt guilty. I laid my hand on Chase’s belly.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I meant to go slower. I didn’t mean for it to hurt.”

Chase’s head rolled my way. “It’s okay,” he said. “It was beginning to feel good… a little.”

I smiled. “It can. It can feel real good.”

I slid my hand down his belly. His cock was still thick, but not hard. I rubbed it. On the one hand, I wanted to be done; try to act like it never happened. But that wouldn’t be fair to Chase; not his first time with a guy. It shouldn’t end like that.

I closed my hand around his dick and gave it a squeeze.

“Now it’s your turn,” I told him. And then, rising up on an elbow, I leaned over to kiss him.

I lay on my stomach when he entered me, and I let him ride me that way, laying on top of my back. I got hard again, and moved with him. I told him how to move on me and in me, and coached him into bringing me off with his dick.

He rolled off me afterward, and started to roll away, but I rolled to my back and pulled him onto my side, guiding his head to my shoulder. Chase got the idea and relaxed on me. I stroked his back with my finger tips, and Chase nuzzled in, happily.

“I’m sorry,” I said.

“Why?”

“For being rough,” I told him, “and for not thinking of you. And I’m sorry because I was unfaithful to Nate.”

Chase lifted his head and gazed down into my eyes. “I’m sorry, Loren… about Nate and all.” He laid his head back on my shoulder. “But I’ve wanted to do this for a long, long time.”

I stroked his back with my fingers. “I know what that’s like.” I stroked down to his butt and patted it. “Are we still going to be friends?”

He nodded against my shoulder. “I don’t want this to be the only time.”

I shook my head, sadly, and kissed the top of his hair. “I want to be faithful to Nate.”

Chase snuggled onto me, cocking a leg over my middle, wrapping his arm up around my head. “But tonight is okay,” he said. “This can be my night.” He hugged my head, pulling the side of my jaw against the top of his head. “Okay?”

“Sure,” I said, resigned to it. If I was going to do it, we might as well both enjoy it. We ought to make his first time good for him. I gave his bottom a squeeze. “Tonight can be your night.” I kissed the top of his head, again. “Happy New Year, Chase.”

“Happy New Year, Loren,” he said quietly.

He traced a finger down the seam between my pecs. “You know what I wish?”

“What?”

“I wish you were my brother,” he whispered.

“You’ve been like a second little brother to me,” I said.

He was silent a moment. I thought he might be ready to sleep, but he wasn’t.

“My parents argue a lot,” he said. “I think they’re going to get a divorce.”

“I’m sorry,” I said, sincerely, stroking his back.

“I wish you were my brother, and I could come in and rest my head on your shoulder like this when they’ve been pissed at each other, or at me.”

What could I say? I couldn’t be that for him, even if I wanted… and actually I wished I could. But I lived in Austin, and I had Nate. So I stroked Chase’s back and kissed his hair.

“I think Jake Wiggins is gay,” he said. Jake Wiggins was about Chase’s age and twice as big… and wide.”

“Why do you think so?”

“He gets hard-ons in wrestling practices.”

“No shit?”

“No shit. That happens, sometimes. I think guys on teams from other schools get them more than our guys do. I’ve seen them at tournaments.”

I’ve got to watch more wrestling tournaments, I thought.

“Jake gets hard-ons wrestling?” I asked.

“Yeah, but I’d never be interested in Jake.”

“Do you get them?”

“Sometimes.”

“Anyone else get them?”

“Ben Snyder did once.”

“Ben’s cute.”

“Yeah, I’ve only seen him get hard, like, one time.”

“Who was he wrestling?”

“Me.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, but there’s no way I’m gonna try anything,” Chase said. “I mean, what if he isn’t, you know?”

“Yeah,” I said. “It sucks, not knowing.”

We talked until after four in the morning, Chase and I. We had sex again.

As he lay sleeping on me, afterward, I tried to sort through far too many thoughts and emotions for a fatigued and foggy head. I’d known Chase forever, and I loved him, in a way. I certainly felt a huge amount of affection for him as he lay naked on my side, and I really felt sorry for what he was going through with his parents.

But how could I love him, and still love Nate? I thought of the Stills song, “Love the one you are with.” There was a lot of sentiment like that, back then, in the era of free love… love as warm feelings and free lovemaking. But that’s not what I wanted. I wanted Nate. I wanted Christmas back. I wanted a love with Nate that grabbed our hearts and held on, strong as life itself. Nate and I had been different from everyone else. I wanted us to be different. I wanted us to keep what we had.

I didn’t come out at UT so that I could screw with every gay guy I wanted. I didn’t come out to hang out at bars or bathrooms. I came out because I belonged to Nate and he belonged to me, and it was a love to live, and not to hide

I didn’t like the thought of Nate ever feeling about other guys the way I felt about Chase at that moment. And yet, we both liked Pauly. We both like Pauly a lot and enjoyed lovemaking with him.

I though of Nate, and the feeling of his taller, harder body when he slept on my side the way Chase was doing at that moment. It seemed incredible that I could have fucked up so badly, less than a week after what Nate and I had at Christmas. What kind of person was I?

I felt bad for Chase; for starting something I couldn’t carry on. I felt grief over what happened, literally, because of Nate. I’d lost something I could never get back. I’d give anything to wind the clock back just a few hours.

Nate and I had something remarkable, and it was remarkable no longer. Could it ever be the same? Could I ever love him as purely and happily as I had before, knowing what I’d done? Nate’s love for me was pure and true. Now that mine was spoiled, did I even deserve him?

I missed Nate. I hugged Chase as he lay sleeping, and I missed Nate.

Shit! I thought to myself. I’m so fucked up!

My eyes were growing heavy. I thought about sending Chase back out to sleep with the others. Even if Stef was the only other guy to know I was gay, my parents knew. They were certain to be up before everyone else. What if they missed Chase with the others?

I didn’t want to be alone, though, and I fell asleep with Chase lying on me.

I woke when Chase got out of bed.

“I hear your mom in the kitchen,” he said. “I’m gonna go back out with the others so they don’t know I spent the night in here.”

Still sleepy, I got up from bed, opened my door, and peeked down the hall. “Go for it,” I told Chase, holding the door ajar for him.

He stopped beside me, laid a hand on my bare butt, smiled, and pecked my lips. Then he ducked past me and down the hall.

+++++

Sixteen is the final chapter guys. It's written; I simply need to clean it up (fifteen, too, of course). And to all who have been sending me encouraging emails, thanks!

As I've said before, reader emails are the only pay we Nifty writers ask for or receive, and I do like to hear if a chapter was enjoyed or not. :) My email address is jnuanced@gmail.com.