I could see a whirlpool on the floor, the ebony
floor contrasting sharply with the pearly-white whirlpool. There was a person
sleeping peacefully at the center of the whirlpool. To my surprise, I realized
that the person was me. I was now awake and could see the whirlpool moving
faster, the vortex sucking me down to its center. I panicked as I was engulfed
in Stygian darkness when suddenly a strong light made me close my eyes.
When I opened my eyes again, I was in the
middle of a prairie that was covered by white lilies. Strangely, I felt that I
was home again. As I turned my head to take in the serene expanse, I could see
a beautiful lady walking toward me. She wore a white dress but her feet were
bare. And she was walking on air, treading very carefully. She knelt down
beside me but somehow I couldn't see her face clearly. As she put her
milky-white hand on my face, I heard her say, "Wake up, Tin."
It's mom, I was so sure. When did I fall asleep
again? Never mind, I thought, as I struggled to open my eyes. As soon as I
did, Mom became transparent and faded away. I wanted to touch her but she'd
already disappeared. I had no time to contemplate my sense of loss as a wind
blew through the prairie, carrying with it lots of petals in its wake. As I
admired the petals were dancing on the winds, they gradually became shiny,
then changed to bubbles as the prairie disappeared and I was now thrown into
an ocean. Lots of bubbles were swirling beside me. As I looked around, I
realized that this was no ordinary ocean, but one that was formed by my tears,
and the water was so cold.
This had to be a dream. I hadn't woken up after
all, had I? I was so confused. I had no time to gather my thoughts as I saw a
ray of sunlight piercing through the water before I kept sinking deeper and
deeper into the dark depths of the ocean. As I reached the bottom, the
whirlpool appeared again.
Suddenly everything turned black and I was
floating aimlessly in the void. Where was I? Back in the whirlpool again? I
could see nothing in the pitch black darkness when suddenly I heard my own
voice saying, "I am in the whirlpool. I can't leave and the only safe place is
the center. But I don't want to be in the center. There are three of us
trapped in this whirlpool. Who is going to be destroyed by the whirlpool and
who will get out of it unscathed, or will all three of us perish here? No! I
can't let that happen! If anyone is to be hurt, please let me be the only
I began to look for a way out when my voice
continued, "Why do angels have wings? And why does water flow back to the
ocean? I am in a deep ocean. My tears formed this ocean. It's very cold and I
keep sinking, sinking, sinking....down to the darkness. I am waiting, waiting
for you to answer me, so what is the response?"
Suddenly I heard Scott's voice saying, "I hate
you! How can you hurt me so?"
"Sorry, Scott. I don't mean to. I.."
"I love you, Tin," Andy's voice cut in.
"Shut up!" I screamed as I covered my ears but
I still could their voices. "Leave me alone! Leave me alone!" I yelled to the
As if answering my prayers, I was surrounded by
an eerie silence. Suddenly, vertigo overtook me and I realized I was falling.
I closed my eyes and let myself fall. There didn't seem to be anything I could
do. Then I heard someone saying, "Open your eyes."
I did as I was bid, and saw that I was falling
down from the sky. Then the tattoo on my back was aglow and 6 wings sprouted
from my back. I panicked as I tried to use them to fly but, no matter how hard
I tried, I couldn't. So I used the wings to wrap around my body, hoping that
they would cushion the inevitable impact. As I closed my eyes I asked myself
if this was the end, if I was a disgraced angel being thrown out from heaven.
I had no time for further thought as I hit the
ground with a bang which knocked the breath out of me. Was I dead? No, I could
move! The wings had protected me. I was lying on the lily-covered prairie
again. My wings were lying on the ground too. Somehow they had become detached
from me during the impact. The feathers were now floating in the air. Then my
wings were lit up with a shimmering glow, the light shining out in every
direction. I was mesmerized by the purity of its luminescence. As the light
surrounded me, the wings turned into snow which fell steadily, covering the
whole prairie like a soft blanket.
I'd fallen from the sky. I was scared and
lonely. Where do I go from here? What must I do now? As I stood up from the
ground, I wanted to cry but I couldn't, so I yelled but no sound came out from
my mouth. I felt so useless as I sank to my knees and cried. As a single tear
dropped from my eyes, it froze into an ice ball before hitting the ground.
Another tear fell down but this time, it didn't freeze. It dropped to the
ground and melted the snow and the whole prairie became an ocean of tears
again. However, this time, I was floating.
I looked around and the only things I could see
were the endless ocean and the blue sky. I tried walking and found that I
could. And so, I treaded carefully as I walked on the water. With each step I
take, a whirlpool formed below. Suddenly I could see Mom in the distance and
so I ran toward her. I was within touching distance of her when the water
below gave way as I plunged into the ocean once again. I was sinking into its
obsidian depths. I could hear someone talking to me. I could make out someone
reaching his hand out to me through the darkness. I wanted to grab hold of it
but I couldn't.
Suddenly I was no longer sinking. Somehow, I
was back at the surface of the ocean. The sky was changing color. It had
turned to a passionate red. Please let it burn, don't let it be snuffed out,
leaving only embers in the cinder. I don't want to feel the cold again, I
don't. My pleas fell on deaf ears as my hands started to feel very cold. The
whirlpool was forming again...
Could anyone leave the whirlpool? How could I
leave here? As I desperately sought a way out of this quagmire, I turned and
trashed my body around. I tried to look for footholds of reality that I could
cling on but I could not see any. I was crying out of frustration and was
almost at the point of surrendering when I heard a faint voice in the
distance. I could not discern what it was saying. Something told me to find
out. I had to find out. So I willed myself nearer as I floated toward it.
Would I be able to reach it in time, or would I
be sucked down again? As I approached with growing trepidation, I realized
that it was not a voice but a howl. It sounded like something howling. It
was...the sound of a dog! Is that you, Ego? I lit up and renewed my effort to
reach the source of the sound, although I was still feeling scared inside. But
I was determined to reach it this time. I had to. Each time I thought I had
gotten close, it seemed to move further away, as if taunting me. I cried as I
asked myself why must life be so unfair?
Despite the unfairness of it all, I decided
that I had to try my best, no matter what. I closed my eyes and used my ears
to help me concentrate on the sound. Using my instincts, I homed in on the
sound and pushed on until the sound got louder. Encouraged, I sped up until I
realized I had broken to the surface of the ocean and that my face suddenly
felt wet. Strange, that I did not feel this all the time I was in the ocean.
But this was a different kind of wet feeling, like someone was licking my
face. I opened my eyes and could see Ego in front of me, licking the tears
away from my face.
As I looked around, I realized that I was back
in my bedroom, finally back to reality. Thanks, Ego!
I took a while to compose myself. What a weird
dream, I thought. What could it mean? Before I could ponder on its
implications, I realized that my throat felt very dry so I went down to the
kitchen for a drink of water. As I gulped down its refreshing nourishment, I
felt revitalized again. That's when I heard someone hammering on the front
door. Did I dream that? I listened hard and could heard someone yelling
"Tin! Tin! Are you ok? Tin!" It couldn't be,
but it sounded like Andy's voice.
I started toward the door to open it. But when
my hand touched the door, I could clearly hear Andy still yelling outside and
I pulled back my hand. I didn't have the courage to open the door. I was just
standing there at the door, waiting for Andy to leave but he didn't. He kept
yelling outside the door.
Five minutes later, he was still at it. I heard
a noise and looked out the window to see a police car stopping in front of my
house. Because Andy was yelling so loud, my neighbor must have called the
police. Then I heard Andy yelling at the policemen. I thought I didn't have a
choice so I opened the door and explained to the policemen that it was a
misunderstanding. After 15 minutes, the policemen left with a warning to keep
the noise down, leaving Andy and me standing at the doorway. We were staring
at each other, not knowing what to do. Then I noticed his face.
"What happened to your face?" I asked.
"Come in," I whispered, as the ice was broken.
He followed me into the kitchen and sat down on
the chair. We didn't say anything. I hated the silence so I decided to take
out a pot and start boiling an egg. I peeled off the shell and pushed my
silver ring into the egg, this holding it in place on my finger, then used a
cloth to wrap around the egg. Carefully, I pressed the hot egg on his face
which was swollen. He didn't yell or say anything. He only stared on me. I
tried to ignore his stare.
It was an awkward moment and the silence was
penetrating. The ticking of the clock seemed deafening. Suddenly, Andy caught
my hand and pulled me into his embrace. I tried to struggle but his lips were
on mine and I lost all resistance then and just let his hands touch my body.
When his hand started to unbutton my shirt, I woke from my trance and pulled
away from him. He stood up and I stepped back. He was advancing toward me so I
kept retreating. Soon, I noticed my back was against the wall and I could move
away no farther as Andy kept approaching. My heart was pounding, a part of me
half wishing he would keep coming while another part prayed that he would stay
there for both of our sakes.
Before I knew it, Andy was in front of me, both
of his hands were on either side of me, resting against the wall. He was
staring into my eyes and his stare was so intense. I looked away and tried to
avoid his stare.
"Tin..." Andy started.
"I think you should leave now."
"No. If we don't make every thing clear, I
"We don't have anything to say to each other
It seemed like a dialogue in a soap opera, but
I couldn't laugh. I only wanted to cry.
"Please, Andy, please leave me alone," I
"Please don't say it." I was afraid of what I
think he's going to say.
"No, if I don't tell you that, I will regret it
for the rest of my life. Tin..."
"Don't say it. I know... I know everything."
"No, you don't!" he yelled.
My whole body shook when he yelled. I looked at
him in a mixture of surprise and shock. His face had turned a deep red.
"Tin, I thought that I could forget you but I
can't. I thought that my brother was more important so I couldn't steal you
away from him but I was wrong! I never knew how important you are to me. I
can't live without you. For the past few years, I've lived like a dead man. I
am not myself anymore. I can't forget you, I can't forget you, I can't, I
can't. Please let me love you."
"Andy," I started gently, "maybe everything is
too late. I have a boyfriend now. For the past 3 years, I waited for you to
come back. Every day and night, I prayed for you to return but you never
showed up. Why? Why? And why do you show up again now that I have found a way
to get over you?
"Sorry... I'm sorry, Tin. I don't mean to...
Sorry, you're right. Maybe I should go."
He walked out of the kitchen. A few seconds
later, I heard the sound of the door closing. He was gone. He finally left. My
legs felt weak and I couldn't stand anymore. I sank down to the floor of the
kitchen. I thought I would cry but no tears were forthcoming. I can't tell you
how painful it is when you want to cry but you can't. It's heart-wrenching.
That night, many thoughts came to my mind. Lots
of old memories keep coming back, some sweet, some bitter, some good, some
bad, all of it.
I still remember the night that Andy sat on the
branches of the big tree outside my room. When I opened the window, he'd
kissed me. That was my first kiss.
I remembered meeting Andy again many years
later. He'd only a towel wrapped around his body then. I remembered seeing all
of his beautiful body when his towel dropped down and how he turned a deep red
I remembered how we kissed under the moon and
the night we were in the garden when I stood naked in front of him, wanting
only to shower my love on him.
I remembered opening the music box, and how
sweet the melody that came out from it and I remembered running in the rain
only to find out that he'd left me in the end.
I remembered those endless nights after when I
sat alone on the swing singing our song, waiting for him to return to me.
Then I remembered Scott, his love and his care,
and the first time when I saw those beautiful eyes shining in the club.
I remembered when I first taught him how to
fold the star and how I held his hands tight.
I remembered his look the first time he asked
me to stay the night with him, and I remembered the first time we made love. I
remembered the pain and the bliss when we gave each other our bodies, and how
sweet the pleasure it brought us.
I remembered the pain when I imprinted a symbol
of our love on my back and the hard time I had afterwards. I remembered how it
was all right again as I sat between his legs drinking my coke after we made
I remembered when I'd decided to throw out the
music box and he stopped me. I remembered everything, everything. My heart was
in turmoil and I'm in pain. Why? Why must both of them love me? I'm not worthy
of their love. I hate myself. I hate myself!
I sat on the floor of the kitchen, hugged my
head, as a single tear trickled down to the floor, and no more. I couldn't cry
anymore, I didn't know what to think of anymore and my heart was in pain. I
was pulling them into the whirlpool. Why was I bringing pain to the ones I