Could it get any worse? I didn't want Scott to worry so I
never told him that Andy would be coming back. But I should have known better.
Somehow these things have a way of finding a way out and creeping up on you at
the most inconvenient moment. And this was one such moment.
Scott was still looking at Andy standing across the street.
When I finally stopped panicking and turned to look at Scott, I could see from
the expression of hurt on his face that he had jumped to the conclusion that I
had gotten back with Andy in his absence. Scott didn't say a word and before I
could reassure him, he firmly pushed me away and jumped into a cab. I didn't
have a chance to explain, or do I really want a chance to explain?
I looked back at Andy who was still standing in front the
hotel entrance. I could tell that he was also in pain but his blank expression
conveyed his despair as he walked back into the hotel. Maybe he had finally
given up on me and accepted that he had no chance with me.
What a mess! I'd hurt the two people who love me most in
this world. I was still confused and, at that moment, it seemed that I was
stuck in the middle of nowhere, unsure of which person I should turn to.
Should I attempt to catch up with Scott and explain that I couldn't live
without him? Or should I go and tell Andy that I still loved him? Or what?
In the end, I chose neither as I drove back home in a daze.
It's a miracle that I didn't hit anything on my way back. The house was in
darkness so I turned on the lights as I walked into my room. All of Scott's
things have disappeared, and even Ego was gone too but there was a letter on
my pillow. I picked it up and read:
When you read this, I would already have been long
gone. I know that you still love him. He has always occupied a special place
in your heart and I realize now that he resides in the most important part
of your soul.
But I don't regret our time together. I am so happy
that we got together. Although it was only for a few months, it was the
happiest time in my life and I will always cherish it. And I thank you for
making it possible.
I love you, Tin, so I have to do what is right for you.
I know you will rather choose me over Andy. Not because you love me more,
but because you think that it is your duty to stand by me, and I love you
for that. You are the most wonderful man in the whole world to me and I'll
remember every moment that we were together.
So go back to him, Tin, and don't run away this time.
Don't lie to yourself again. I wish you guys love and joy, and hope that you
will always be happy together.
I will always love you.
I rushed out of my home and got into the car. I knew that
there was only one place that Scott had gone to. I was not going to let Scott
go. I have to convince him to stay. At the very least, I deserve a chance to
talk to him. Don't I get a say in this?
When I reached the airport, it was already 9:30. I hoped
that Scott hasn't left yet. The airport was not very big but it was still
difficult to find one person out of the many here. Maybe he had already left,
or maybe he didn't come to the airport after all. Too many thoughts were going
through my head and I stopped my frantic search for a moment and just stood
still, trying to gather my thoughts again.
Then I saw him sitting in a coffee shop. He was looking
wistfully up at the sky. I wondered what was on his mind as I slowly walked
towards him and calmly sat down on the chair beside him. He felt someone
sitting beside him so he turned to look. He was so surprised to see me there.
"Why are you here?"
I didn't answer him, I just slapped his face hard. He didn't
try to avoid it. He just sat there and let me slap him hard, his expression
neutral. Then I hugged him tight. He let me hug him but didn't return my hug.
There was no reaction from him so I let him go and looked him in the eye.
"Why didn't you give me a chance to explain? Don't you want
to hear what I have to say? How can you be so cruel? You are going to leave me
without a goodbye? Don't you love me anymore?" I asked him.
"You know that I will always love you."
"Then why are you leaving me?"
"I told you everything in the letter."
"Scott, I love you..."
"I know...but you love Andy more, I know that."
"No! He's in the past!"
"Don't live in denial forever, Tin. He was never the past to
you. He is always in your heart. I don't want you to realize this too late
into the future, and spend your whole life regretting it. I know you don't
have the heart to hurt me so I've made the decision for you. Go to him, Tin.
You'll be happier that way, trust me."
"Tin, there is only space for one true love in one's heart.
There is no room for two at the same time. I am happy to have once found a
place there and I will always remember our time together. I love you so much,
Tin, and that is why I want the best for you. I only wish you true happiness,
even if it is not to be with me. Thank you for loving me, Tin. You are a
wonderful man and I will always love you."
With that, he picked up his bag and walked away. I called
out his name till I was hoarse but he never turned back. It seemed that people
were always making decisions for me, especially those who were dear to me.
I never saw Scott again. I didn't know where he went and
didn't ask, but he'll remain a part of me forever. I'll never forget him. Even
today, every time when I look at my back, it brings back happy memories of the
time we spent together. I remember his love and his care for me. He's a
wonderful man and deserves to find happiness. Wherever you are now, Scott, I
hope you have found someone deserving of your love. I know that he's a lucky
man indeed to have you and I'm sure he's happy to have your love, just as I
have once. I'm proud to say that I love you, Scott, and wish you happiness
The night that Scott left, I felt empty and hollow. I was so
struck with sadness that I bought an air ticket that very night and left
Edmonton. I had my passport with me in the car so I could leave right away. I
couldn't stay there and be reminded of how badly I've let the people I love
I didn't have any luggage with me but that didn't bother me
as I got into the plane alone. In the long trip back to Hong Kong, I couldn't
sleep as I spent the time recalling the event of my life thus far and trying
to pick up the pieces scattered everywhere. Some were happy but others were
sad. I shed tears at the sad but smiled at the happy. Maybe I was never
destined to find lasting happiness. I sighed in resignation. Sorry, everyone,
I ran again.
I moved back to the old house I grew up in. Only Dad knew
that I was living there. He promised not to tell anyone where I am, even Roy
and Auntie Cara. I decided to stay in my old room, the same small room I had
when I was growing up. Every day I would look out the window, remembering the
time that Andy sat on the big tree and kissed me.
Time passed so fast, it was already two months since I left
Canada. I got a job working freelance and mostly kept to myself, working from
my house most of the time. At least, work helped me maintain a balance in my
life. If I had nothing to do but look back on my life and the chances I missed
and the decision I should have made, I think I would have been crazy by now.
So I buried myself in my work during the day but allowed myself some time to
reminisce during the night.
One day, Dad forwarded me some letters. They were from Roy,
Ed, Joe and Amy. They had written to me at my Dad's address. They knew that I
was not living with him. Dad told me they had come down one day to search for
me but returned empty-handed. But they wrote to me there anyway, hoping that
I'll turn up one day. And all of them said mostly the same thing. That there
is a man here, who loves me dearly, and who have been trying to find me ever
I sighed as I read their letters. I was tempted to accept
Andy's love but...if I did, I'd never forgive myself. Although Scott had left
me, I still thought of us as together and I could not bring myself to betray
him. I know it's strange and I know I should move on but something was holding
me back. I'm not sure how I felt and I'm not sure that anyone could explain
what was happening to me either. It was as if I was waiting for
something...maybe a sign to which would release me from this.
In the meantime, I could only think about the time with Mom,
the time spent growing up with Andy and Ed in this house. Most of the time, I
was detached from the present. My memories were those in the past and so I
spent my life living in the past.
It's night time and I am sitting in my little room reading
my favorite novel, "Little Prince". After so many years, many things have
changed but this room still feels the same to me. The furniture is still here
and I am sleeping on that little bed.
Suddenly, I hear someone knocking on my window. Am I hearing
things? It must be my imagination. I find it hard to tell reality from my
memories nowadays. It's impossible that someone is knocking on my window.
Then the knocking starts again. I put down my novel and walk
towards the window to ascertain whether it's my imagination playing up. I
could see a shadow outside the window, so I move nearer to get a closer look.
There he is, sitting on the branches just like that night
many years ago. I open the window and the first thing he does is to lean in
and give me...a kiss.
It is sweet....and I feel warm all over.
This is a sensation that I really missed. Am I dreaming or
is it real? Surely, it is impossible that Andy is here right at this moment?
"I am so stupid, I should have known that you'll be here."
"Is this real? Or I am dreaming?" I asked.
Andy reaches out and touches my face, caressing it gently as
he kisses me again. I know this is not a dream. My sign is here...
Sorry, Scott, I will love you forever...