Scott's point of view
Have you ever read "The Little Prince" before? I remember
reading it when I was still a child. It is Tin's favorite book and he loves it
very much. When I read it again that afternoon, it made me cry to think of
him. You see, Tin was that beautiful rose in the story. I missed him a lot but
I couldn't make myself go and see him..I mustn't. I wanted him to be happy and
not to spend his whole life regretting what could have been. And so, I had to
be cruel to him. I didn't let him choose, I made the decision for him. I am
not his little prince; in fact, I am not a prince at all but he'll always be
my beautiful rose.
I was lying on the grass, using my arm to cover my eyes. The
sun is shining and the sky is so blue. Is he looking at the sky now? I just
wanted to hug him one more time.
"Hey, Scott! So you are here."
I opened my eyes to see my brother, Steve, sitting down
beside me. I used my arm to cover my eyes again as I asked, "Why you are
"Just came by to give my little bro a lift back home."
"You think I'm still a kid?"
"Ha yeah!" he smirked.
He asked for it! So I jumped on him and we started to
wrestle. Finally, I got the better of him and had him in a headlock.
"Give! I give!" my brother yelled.
I released him and we looked at each other and laughed. It
was just like our childhood days once again. The only difference was that I
was the one who said "give" back then.
"For what?" Steve asked.
"Scott, you know what?"
"You are a little shit."
"Hey, don't call me that!"
Steve laughed. "Well, actually Mom and Dad wanted me to talk
I didn't say anything as I looked up at the sky.
"You know that they are worried about you," Steve continued.
"Steve, I know."
"You didn't even tell us why you suddenly came back. We are
all worried. The previous week when you called home, you seemed so happy and fine but now you are
so obviously feeling down and you're not even saying a word as to why."
I sighed. Steve didn't say anything, he just lay down on the
"I've lost him."
"And I really love him."
Steve sat up and looked at me. I could see the care and love
on his face.
"Did I do the right thing? Sometimes, I wonder myself.
Living with him has made me so happy. He is so loving and selfless that
sometimes it seems out of this world. He's in a class of his own, like no one
I've ever known. And I don't think there'll ever be another like him. He
colors my world and lights up my life with his love for me. He's that good." I
sighed and smiled wistfully as I recalled the happy times Tin and I had
"His hands are so small and every time when I hold them, it
just makes me want to protect him from all his troubles. He is so selfless
that he will go to great lengths to please the one he loves, silently
suffering in the process if need be. Do you know that he even tattooed his
whole back to show how much he loves me? He is so silly but I love him all the
more for it. Every night when I close my eyes, I could see those 6 wings on
his back. I just want him to be happy, he's been so good to me and I know that
he can do much better than having me. I am not worthy of him.
"I know that he has his first love, Andy, deep within his
heart but he doesn't realize it and I don't want to cause him pain by forcing
him to choose between us. In any case, he's so loyal that I think he'll choose
to stay with me, and not what what I believe would be the right thing for him.
Steve, my brother, was I wrong to leave him, to force him to look at himself
and see that his place is with his true love, his first love? I feel I didn't
do anything wrong. I did what my mind told me to do but why is my heart
telling me another? I just want him to be happy in the end, even if it's not
to be with me. I love him so much that it hurts. Why is doing the right thing
so painful sometimes?"
I turned to look at Steve but he didn't say anything. He
only pulled me under his arm, just like mother hen protecting her chick. Just like
when we were younger, every time when I was unhappy, Steve would pull me under
his arm, comforting me and telling me that it'll be all right again.
"You are silly," he whispered as he brushed my hair with his
I simply lay there and suddenly it felt that I was small
again, without a care in the world, all my worries washed away by my brother's
love. Finally, I stood up and took a deep breath. I always felt much better
after talking with Steve.
"Ok, time to head back home or Mom will worry about us," I said.
After saying goodbye to Tin that night, I'd jumped into a
plane heading for my hometown. Mom and Dad were very surprised to see me. It
felt great being back home again, no matter how badly hurt I was feeling. The
warm welcome of my parents showed me that there were people who'd love me, no
matter what. No matter how lonely I felt, it made life worth living to know
that I have a home to return to, filled with warm caring people.
I have 3 elder brothers, Steward, Samuel, and Steven. Well,
you could see that my dad really loved the letter "S". Steve is only 1 year
older than me so we were very close since we were kids. Ste and Sam were
already married and only Steve was still living with our parents, but he'd
probably be moving out after getting married the next summer.
You see, the other reason Steve and me are so close is that
both of us are gay. His boyfriend is Dan, who was my friend since junior high.
I was the one who had introduced them.
After telling Steve a bit about what had happened to me, I
decided to open up to him. So I told him the story of Tin and I. It would take
me many nights to complete our story as some memories were still too painful to
relive. Steve lent me an attentive ear and I felt much better after pouring
myself out to him. It was hard at first but it eventually got better. I would
stop whenever I felt it was getting too rough for me and Steve never pressured
me. He was very sympathetic and it felt good to have someone's shoulder to
lean on sometimes.
I felt much better on the third week that I was back home.
Steve and Dan talked to me every day and sometimes we went out. But every time
I sat down in a club, I would be reminded of the first time that I'd met Tin.
I didn't feel sad now because I knew that I'd made the right decision. I just
felt kind of down. "Really, I am fine," I kept telling myself. But am I really
fine, I wondered.
Every night, I would still dream about the back with 6
lovely wings and the wonderful person it belonged to. His beautiful smile, the
silly chatter, and the Coke can that he would swing around as he gesticulated
with a satisfied smile on his face every time after we made love. It seemed
that he loved drinking Coke after making love. I sighed as I wondered how he
was faring now. How are you, Tin? I hope life treats you much better than
Sometime into the fourth week back home, I decided to go
back to Edmonton. I told myself that I needed to pick Ego up. I'd left him
with one of my friends. Steve said he wanted to visit Grandad there so we
back together. We reached Edmonton at midnight. As I lay on my bed trying to
sleep, I knew that it would be a losing battle. The memories of Tin were still
fresh within me, no matter what I'd led myself to believe. Instead, I thought
back of the happy times we spent here. The first time I took Tin was on this
bed. I took a deep breath of the bed sheet. It still had Tin's unique smell. I
smiled and sat up. Steve had told me not to live my life in the past and so I
kept telling myself, "You need to move on, Scott."
By 3am, I knew that it was useless trying to get to sleep,
so I got into my car and left the house. I didn't have a clue as to where
I was headed. I just kept on driving and reminiscing as I drove. I knew this
was dangerous but I really couldn't think straight right then.
When I stopped the car, I realized that I was on the
driveway in front of Tin's home. I had somehow driven myself there in a daze.
I slowly got out and walked quietly to the garden and sat down on the swing, I
didn't want to wake anyone up as it was still very dark. Sitting there brought
even more memories back. I remembered sitting here making love with Tin on my
birthday. I held his body very hard that night. I sighed and looked up that
sky and saw the moon. And the moon was just like that night. Coming here was a
bad idea. I knew that I was killing myself slowly. I was living under someone's
shadow, and was not yet ready to let him go.
Two days later, I drove back to my hometown. I didn't visit
Tin, Joe or Roy. I just wanted them to forget me. That way, maybe I could
start off fresh again. When will I forget everything, I wondered. Probably
never, I told myself. I couldn't help loving him, and I'll probably love him
On the trip back to my hometown, Steve was studying me
carefully. "You ok, Scott?" he asked after a while.
"I am fine, don't worry about me. I'm just a little
bit...sad, down... whatever. I'm trying to cope and move on, but it'll take me
He seemed to have understood. He didn't say anything but
just put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed sympathetically. "Take all the
time you need, Scott," he said.
Time flew by very fast. I tried to do my best to start anew.
I didn't want my family to worry about me. And I told myself that if Tin knew
that I was still wallowing, he would not be happy. I would take each day at a
time, trying to live today a little better than yesterday and hoping that
tomorrow would be better than today.
I never saw Tin again. I called Joe a few times and found
out what had happened to him. I'm happy for him and I didn't regret what I did,
just felt a little sad. Really, just a little bit. The only thing I wanted to do
is...to hug Tin one more time.
I finally found a new job here in my hometown. I also caught
up with my old friends again and realized that some were real friends indeed.
But every time when I went clubbing, I could still remember those black eyes
shining brightly back at me. And each time I would sit in the corner and think
about the past. But now I only think about our happy times together. I don't
dwell on the painful memories, nor on what could have been. I don't feel sad
anymore, at least I don't think so. I could now think about Tin without
feeling down or feeling that I shouldn't have left him. Thinking about our
happy times together could even make me smile. I don't think I could ever
And so, my life began to gradually get better. I was putting
myself into my work and, socially, I'd go out with my friends and sometimes
we'd go clubbing. I'd even made some new friends. However, I was still not yet
ready to start a relationship with anyone, though there were offers. But life
had other plans for me, regardless of what I thought.
And think about Tin's eyes I did one Friday night when I
walked into the club with Steve and Dan. They proceeded to the dance floor as
I made my way towards my usual seat and noticed, with surprise, that it was
occupied. My usual corner table was always empty as not many would like to sit
there, tucked away in a corner away from the crowd. However, this time, there
was a young man sitting there all by himself.
As I approached the table, he turned towards me and I was
struck by the beauty of his eyes. They were so like Tin's yet in some ways
similar to mine too. I could see loneliness reflected in them. There were
also signs of pain and hurt in them.
As if they had a mind of their own, I found my legs closing
the distance between us and the next thing I knew, I was sitting down on the
chair beside the man. I suppose I sensed the same feeling of loneliness common
to us, tinged with feelings of hurt and maybe sadness. Maybe I just wanted
company, someone who was in the same boat as me, so that we could spend an
evening pouring out our woes. As they say, birds of a feather flock together.
Maybe I felt it was 'my' table and that he had no right to sit there, and I
definitely would not be driven away by any newbie. Who knows?
I gave him a smile but, before I could decide on what to say,
he fired off the first salvo.
"Fuck off, man, I am no mood to flirt."
Great way to start off, I thought, but I just laughed and
replied, "Me neither."
He glared at me, then got up and walked away without another
word. However, the next Friday night, I would see him sitting there again,
staring at nothing in particular. Just like before, I would sit down beside
him. I don't know what prompted me to do that again. Maybe I felt lonely and
desperate, or maybe I felt a kinship with this young man. Whatever it was, I
felt close to him, as if we had a bond.
The young man was not handsome nor anywhere near that. But
he had the kind of face that would soothe anyone. Every time when you looked
at his face, you'd feel comfortable and relaxed, as if you had no worries. And
that's the only good thing about him that I could think of then. He was
definitely not in the mood for conversation and basically just ignored me. He
would walk away as soon as I sat down.
And that would turn out to be our routine every Friday
night. But after many weeks, he didn't walk away anymore after I took my seat
beside him. He remained seated but still kept ignoring me. And I never tried
to talk to him. I didn't know what his problem was but I knew that he needed
the space so I didn't pressure him. I just sat beside him and looked at the
dance floor. I figured he'd open up when he felt comfortable or whenever the
time was right.
Several months after, he forgot to bring his wallet one
night. So I paid for him that night. He didn't say anything, not even a simple
thank you but I really didn't mind. However, the next week when I arrived, I
saw some money on the table. But, as before, no words passed between us and
nobody attempted to start a conversation. I just put the money in my pocket
and looked at the people dancing away on the dance floor.
Two weeks after, he wasn't there when I came in. So I sat on
his chair and waited for him. As the night progressed, there was still no sign
of him and I somehow felt lonely that night. I missed his silent company. The
week after, he showed up again but I didn't ask him where he was the previous
week. Still not a single word was spoken between us. The relationship between
us was weird but I felt something for this young man.
And so we continued our weekend 'rendezvous', so to speak,
although speaking was definitely not on our agenda. Then came one weekend when
I had to work late so I didn't go to the club. The next Friday when I arrived,
there was already a bottle of beer on the table, in front of my seat. I looked
around for him but he wasn't anywhere to be seen, so I drank it by myself.
It's strange, but I started to look forward to every Friday
evening. I think we settled into a comfortable silence between us. It was
somehow soothing for us. I think we even needed it. And so we made no attempt
to break the silence between us, as if we were somehow afraid that the
peaceful tranquility would be shattered. So we sat in companionable silence,
each looking at the dance floor or whatever that caught his eye. Weird, huh? I
thought so too.
Six months later, I began to think of it as our weekly
'date'. Maybe I was feeling desperate but I liked it. No pressures, no worries
and very enjoyable company too. Why ask for more? On the evening of our one-year meeting 'anniversary', I entered the club full of anticipation. I thought
of doing something special with him to mark this occasion but wasn't sure if
he would go for it. I didn't even know if I had the courage to be the one to
break the silence and start our first conversation.
However, when I arrived at our table, I was disappointed
that he wasn't sitting there as usual. He always arrived early, unless he did
not intend to turn up. Still, I sat down and waited for him to show up, hoping
against hope. I was staring blankly at the metal ball hanging from the
ceiling, trying to contain my disappointment as I watched the ball spinning,
mesmerized by the reflection of colored lights bouncing off its surface.
Suddenly, I heard a loud noise. I tore my eyes away and
looked in the direction of the sound and, there he was! He was arguing with
someone and it looked like they were about to come to blows. So I quickly ran
towards them but, by the time I arrived, the fight already broke out. He was
fighting with 3 other guys.
I didn't even know what had happened but I decided to take
his side and help him out. After all, 3 against 1 was hardly fair odds, was it?
I helped him knock down one mean-looking ugly bruiser but I took a punch on
the left side of my ribs in the process. My friend was a very good fighter and
he'd already taken down the other 2 guys in the time it had taken me to knock
down 1. Then he pulled me and we quickly left the club. We kept running and
running until we reached an alley.
I didn't know what had happened back there. I didn't
even know his name but I knew that I had to help him. I had no regrets but a part
of me thought that I was being foolish and silly, and I couldn't explain it.
As our harsh breathing subsided and we could breathe normally again, I decided
to ask him what had happened. As I turned to look at his face, I noticed that
he was crying. I couldn't help myself as I pulled him into my embrace. He
cried hard on my chest as I whispered soothing words in his ear. I didn't know
what I felt, I only knew that I wanted to protect him and to take away all his
pain and hurt.
Was it love I felt? Love sometimes strikes when you least
expect it. Sometimes you don't even realize it until much later and then you
wonder why you hadn't realized it before. The possibilities of what could
happen between him and me in the future was not that important, I realized.
The most important thing was that I knew for certain at that moment that I had
very strong feelings for this guy. What would happen in the future? No one
That's it, and I hope you like it. A weird story. What would happen
between Scott and that guy? Would you like to find out? I thought it would be
cruel to end the series here and leave you all hanging. So here's the
Epilogue: A Beginning...
I finally found out his name was Daniel, and that one of the
guys that he had fought with that night was his ex-boyfriend. Daniel was
meeting his boyfriend in that club one year ago when I first saw him but his
boyfriend didn't turn up. And
every Friday he'd make another date with Daniel but he'd get stood up every
However, Daniel just kept turning up, hoping that for once,
his boyfriend would just keep to his promise. When he realized that he had
been had, he found my company soothing so he kept turning up just for that.
After all, misery loves company, and he could see that I was in a somewhat
similar situation to his.
He kept putting off confronting his boyfriend as he didn't
want to believe that it was over between them. He didn't think he'd ever find
another as his boyfriend kept on telling Daniel that he was so ugly that
nobody'd ever give him a second look. So Daniel suppressed his hurt and
carried on. And they met whenever it was convenient for his boyfriend, Daniel
always came second in their relationship.
Somehow, our weekly 'dates' gave Daniel the courage to face
his suspicion that his boyfriend cheated on him regularly. His sense of
self-worth also rose. After all, there was somebody who was at least
interested in his company, namely me, so he wasn't that undesirable after all.
Slowly, as his confidence grew with his sense of self-worth, he decided to
find out for certain if his boyfriend was a two-timer. When he had the proof
before his eyes, he was deeply hurt but summoned up the courage to break up
with him. His boyfriend just laughed and said that Daniel was the one
who had the most to lose with their break up and just walked away taunting
As if to torment him further, his ex-boyfriend decided to
turn up with new dates at the club every Friday. He could not make time to
turn up for their date at the club when they were dating, but now he was turning up just
to mock and taunt Daniel.
Still, Daniel turned up almost every Friday apparently to be taunted.
But I think he was well on his way to healing and my company was like a soothing
balm that slowly healed his wound, and so he'd turn up just for that and not to
be taunted by his ex-boyfriend and his new boytoys. Sure, he'd looked at his
ex-boyfriend, recalling the happy times they had together and I think that
also helped him get over him, making him see what a lousy guy his
ex-boyfriend was and giving him stronger conviction that he could find real
happiness with someone who would really love him and not just play him along.
On that fateful Friday, Daniel decided that he was finally
over his ex-boyfriend and had fully recovered from his ex-boyfriend's emotional
abuse so he was at the club celebrating his newfound freedom. He was a little drunk and had
just returned from the toilet when his ex-boyfriend spotted him and started
taunting him as usual. But this time, Daniel wasn't taking it and let him have
it. So that's what happened.
After that night, Daniel and I decided not to go back to
that club anymore as it brought back too many bad memories for him. We'd
decided to start anew elsewhere and are still looking for another club which
feels right to us.
Oh yes, we have finally started dating for real now. My sky
is finally looking blue again. Are you happy for me?
(for real this time...)