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Nothing. That's all there
was. No sounds. No light. Just this huge, dark emptiness, as if I had fallen
into an abyss, deep and unending.
I felt like I had been
away some place. Some place far away, but now I was slowly coming back, my
senses and awareness gradually returning, although with still nothing there
to actually feel or hear, just an awareness that I was... errr... here.
Then it happened.
Somewhere in the distance there was a sound. Very faint. Just a humm really.
Nothing that I could actually recognise. But it was something at least! It
I wanted to scream out. I
wanted someone to hear me, someone to know I was here, but I couldn't move.
I couldn't make any sounds. I couldn't do jack shit!
Strange thoughts started
to invade my mind. Was I floating, weightless, through the darkness? Was I
laying somewhere, lost, or hurt? Was I dead?
Like I said. All very
As hard as I could I tried
concentrating on that sound, that humm that was all I could hear, the only
thing that was giving me hope, the only straw that I could clutch onto. It
was still quite faint, but it was constant, so that was something at least.
I couldn't tell you how
long I spent listening to that sound, not knowing what it was, where I was,
or if I was alive or dead, but at some point I became aware of another
sound, faint, but close by.
It was something like a
machine, and it was going ...beep...beep...beep...
I knew that sound. Now,
what was it? Think man, think!
Then came another sound.
It was a noise like... like a wheel, squeaking as it went round and around,
starting out faint, then growing louder, before then fading out again.
Oh man, how great is this?
I'm actually hearing things. I guess that means that I'm not dead then?
Maybe just half dead? Now all I need to do is figure out just where the fuck
Damn! I know that sound! I
...beep . . . b e e p . .
. b e e p . . .
Then there was nothing.
* * * * *
How long I was out to it
for I wasn't too sure. It may have been just minutes. It may have been days.
Or weeks, even. How could I tell? I guess though that time becomes
irrelevant when you are in a state of limbo.
When I did come around
again, or at least as close to coming around as I could get, things seemed
different. I could still hear those same sounds around me, beeps and squeaks
and whatever it was that they were, and that was kind of reassuring, let me
What was different though
was that this time, for the first time, I could actually feel something.
Somehow I figured out that
I was lying on something soft and cool. And there was a breeze coming from
somewhere. Faint, but it was definitely there. Every so often I could feel
it on my skin.
Now that's what I call
I tried to move. Just my
fingers at first. Then a foot. An arm. A leg. My head. But whenever I tried
anything like that my body reacted by sending bolts of pain coursing down my
limbs, paralyzing me yet again.
Eventually I gave up
trying and after a while things would settle back down again. But then I
would forget about the consequences and try and move again, and the pain
would start up all over again, leaving my head aching, my body aching and my
'What the fuck is going
on?' I screamed in my mind. 'Will someone please tell me?'
But no one could of
course. They didn't know I was even asking.
As time passed I found
myself trying to focus on remembering what it was that I was doing before I
ended up in this state of nothingness, but try as I might all I managed to
conjure up were vague images, brief flashes of scenes that meant nothing at
all to me; like storm clouds... and a dark ocean... a glimpse of blue sky...
They had to mean
something, I was sure of that at least, but nothing came to mind.
After a while I drifted
off once more. That seemed to be about all I could do. Wake up. Drift off.
Wake up. Drift off. But I really wasn't waking up at all, was I?
When I was asleep... if
that's what you could call it... the storm clouds came to me over and over
again. It was daylight, but it was very dark, as the clouds were directly
overhead, blocking out the sun and the sky. Every now and then however, they
would open, ever so briefly, showing a patch of blue and allowing a shaft of
sunlight to burst through from the heavens, then just as quickly they would
close again. I could smell the salt air. I could feel the rain and the wind
against my skin.
Looking around me I could
see people. Faceless people, moving about, looking at me. But who were they?
Then in the distance I
could see a shape. What was that? A mountain? Surrounded by sea? What do
they call those? I just KNOW they have a name for those things!
Fuck... I AM in a mess,
'What is happening to me?'
I wanted to scream. But of course, I couldn't do that. All I could do was
lay there and wonder what the hell this mess was that I was in, and how the
hell I got here?
Suddenly, I felt a
stabbing pain in my head.
Then there was nothing.
How long was this see-saw
ride going to last? First I was awake, or at least my mind was, then there
was nothing once more. My eyes couldn't open. I couldn't say anything. But I
FELT as if I was awake, even if it were only for short periods of time.
I could hear the muffled
whispers of people around me, and the sounds of footsteps, and I could hear
that infernal, constant, beeping sound. I'm not sure if that meant that
progress was being made or not, but at least I knew now that I wasn't dead.
I had convinced myself of that fact at least.
Then came another
revelation. I finally figured out where I was. It was a hospital. It had to
be. Things were finally starting to make sense.
All around me I could hear
sounds, and as I recognised each one I found myself trying to visualise it's
cause. The sound of footsteps. The sound of a trolley being wheeled along.
Doors opening and closing. The clang of metal on metal. The humm of
Yes. This really was
I found myself trying to
concentrate on one sound at a time. I could hear a trolley with squeaky
wheels coming down the corridor, accompanied by the footsteps of the person
pushing it along. The sound was still quite faint, but it was definitely
growing stronger, getting louder and louder, until eventually it stopped,
seemingly quite close.
For a moment there was
only silence, but then it started again, and it sounded like it was coming
closer still, until eventually there was a 'clunk' and I felt a vibration.
It was like... like the trolley had collided with my bed!
'Fuck! I actually felt
that! I felt the bed shake!'
All of a sudden I wanted
to yell out. I wanted to go 'Woo-hoooo' and pump my fists into the air!
Too bad I couldn't do
that, but I took the fact that I WANTED to do that as being yet another
small victory. I was on the way back.
The next thing I heard was
a `whoosh' type of sound, but I couldn't quite make out what that was,
at least not at first. Eventually it came to me however. It had to be a
curtain, a curtain being pulled along it's tracks, and quite close to me.
Was it me that was being
covered up? Or was there someone else in this room with me and they were
covering them up?
Geez, I hope they haven't
gone and died or something?
Funny the thoughts that go
through your mind when you are lying there with nothing to do.
The next thing I felt was
the sheet or blanket that was covering me being pulled back and my body
being caressed with a cool breeze. All over. I could even feel the hairs on
my skin bristle as they were caressed by the faintest of breezes.
I heard the sound of water
being splashed around, somewhere quite close. Then there was the sudden
feeling of dampness and cold on my chest, which immediately sent shots of
electricity throughout my entire body, causing muscles to jump and quiver.
It was a mixture of pain and ecstasy, not entirely unlike a feeling that I
had felt before, but at the moment I couldn't recall what had been the cause
Slowly I felt the cold and
the dampness wash over me, as my carer, whoever they happened to be,
continued with their work. Eventually I figured that I must be receiving a
sponge bath. I couldn't ever recall having one of those, but I soon found
myself hoping this one wouldn't be the last.
First it was my chest and
stomach that was gently washed, with the soft touch from my carer sending
shivers through my body without them even knowing it. Then came my arms and
legs, each in turn being gently lifted and washed, then wiped dry, before
being placed back down on the bed.
Then, for the first time,
I suddenly realised that I must have been totally naked.
And I was being washed.
All over. And... and...
'Oh God, what comes next?'
I didn't have to wait long
I heard the sponge being
dipped into the water again. I could even visualise it happening. A bit of a
sloosh around, then the sponge being held up and squeezed, with most of the
water falling back into the container. I imagined it then being brought over
to me. As I was thinking this I felt a drip of water splash onto me, then
almost instantly I felt the damp sponge touch me, midway between my navel
and my... well, you know...
The sponge was squeezed
and water ran out of it and over my skin. I shuddered. Then the rubbing
started. Then... then...
I could feel it happening.
All I could think was, 'Oh God! How embarrassing!'
The next thing I heard
were footsteps. My carer had apparently left me.
`Doctor,' a woman's
voice soon said. `I think you should see this. He seems to be
`Responding? In what
way?' the doctor asked.
`I... errr... think
maybe you had best see for yourself,' was the reply.
Then I heard some heavier
footsteps coming into the room, eventually stopping right beside my bed.
`Oh, I see. That's what
you meant!' the doctor said, sounding quite surprised. Then I felt him
touch me. Yes, right there, his hand taking hold of me, firmly, giving me a
squeeze which sent shudders through me once more. He squeezed again. I felt
like I was going to explode. It's even possible that I did explode.
Somebody gave a gasp, then
the last thing I heard before I blacked out again was: `That's quite
impressive, isn't it?'
The next time I came
around there was still darkness. But somehow it was different. For a moment
I struggled to understand, but then I realised that what it was. It wasn't
TOTALLY dark... it was...
'Holy crap! My eyes are
I tried to move my arm,
but the wave of protest that surged through my body quickly put paid to that
idea. I did however manage to roll my head from one side to the other to try
and take in my surroundings.
There was darkness, but
within the darkness I could make out shapes, like a doorway, and another bed
in the room with the shape of a person laying on top, sleeping. There was a
window, with curtains drawn, though not quite fully closed. Through the
narrow opening between them some light from outside was coming in, just
enough to let me see what was what.
There was also a chair,
like a big comfy chair that you might watch television in. And in it there
was a person, a young woman to be more precise, covered with a blanket, fast
asleep, her head tilted back. I couldn't make out any features, and while
there was something familiar about her I had absolutely no idea who she
After that I drifted off
once more, only this time I knew that I was sleeping... really sleeping.
The dreams came to me
again. The faceless people. The clouds. The ocean. The mountain. Then came
the sunshine, and as the dream went on it became brighter and brighter,
until finally it jolted me awake, to see a room bathed in light and with
sunshine streaming in through the window.
I looked around, trying to
focus, which I found quite difficult at first, but pretty soon I managed and
could make out the door and the bed with my sleeping neighbour, and finally
the chair, in which a young woman was still fast asleep.
She looked so peaceful
there, half curled up on the chair, her head resting against the top of it
with her long sun-bleached hair cascading down over her shoulders. The braid
in her with the ribbon attached to it somehow made her look like a school
girl, but I liked that.
The blanket was covering
her only from the waist down, leaving her upper body exposed. She was
certainly attractive, I had to say that, and there was definitely something
familiar about her, but beyond that I still had no idea who she was.
Then something else hit
me. For the first time I realised that I had no idea who I was either, and
once again I found myself scared as hell.
Just as that thought
struck me however, I was distracted as the girl turned in her chair, causing
the blanket to fall to the floor. Moments later she turned again, then with
a start she woke up, yawning and stretching and rubbing the sleep from her
eyes, before finally looking my way.
`Hey. You're finally
awake!' she said to me, jumping to her feet and coming to my bedside.
`Hey,' I managed to
croak back at her, my mouth so dry that I could barely even manage that.
Leaning over me she kissed
me on the lips, then picked up a cord that was hanging from the frame of the
bed and pressed the red button on the end of it. Somewhere off in the
distance I heard a buzzer going off. Actually, I think there was more than
one buzzer going off, but one of those was only inside my head. It had to
`They said you would
come around soon, once the swelling inside your head went down. That's what
they were waiting for.'
`They?' I croaked.
`The doctors of
My brain was jumping all
around the place, trying to take all this in. While I was doing that however
in rushed a nurse, apparently in response to the buzzer that had been
`He's awake!' she
I thought for a second
about asking her if she graduated at the top of her class, but that would
have been just too difficult. Instead I think I managed a grunt, receiving a
rather patronising smile as she poked and prodded and wrote stuff down on a
chart, before proceeding to fluff my pillows, waving her ample bosom in my
face as she did so.
While this was happening
the girl from the chair continually held my hand.
`What happened?' I
asked, after the nurse had left.
`You've been in an
'No shit!' I thought.
`Two weeks ago.'
EDited by Ed
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