This story is about male/male relationships.

You should not read this story if it is in any way illegal
due to your age or residence.

Copyright 2003 SleepyHead.This story is the sole property
of its author and may not be copied in whole or in part or posted on
any website without the permission of the author.

Just thought it'd be nice to write a little after I read so much.
Let me know what you guys think. Its almost an autobiography.
Write to me at sleepyheadrugrat@yahoo.com. Criticism is very much
appreciated.

Unresolved

Chapter 1 - Puzzled

After the day I realized Kent did not have feelings for me, I vowed never to
return to the little island of Hong Kong. Though it seems like a childish idea
to abandon all the friends you've made just because of one person. Hey, I've
always been the independent type. I always told myself I needed nobody. And plus,
I was Canadian and felt that Toronto, where I grew up, was where I belonged. Oh,
I was also going to go to college there, so it all made sense. I suppose the
opportunity cost is not being able to go back to Hong Kong to visit for a few
years while I'm in college. It was all an excuse to forever avoid the boy that
broke my heart.

I had spent several years studying in Hong Kong because back then Hong Kong was
employment paradise. My parents decided to move the whole family back in an attempt
to save their failing marriage. They divorced shortly after arrival in Hong Kong. As
we weren't rich, they couldn't afford to support my sister and I to go to an English
private school. Hence, I was stuck with a traditional public school. For the first
few months, I struggled to understand ancient Chinese literature and Chinese
history. I tried hard to catch up and by the end of that year, I was within the
top 10 of my class. I do have to give credit to my Chinese teacher though, he tried
really hard to help me. I never had the chance to thank him but I'll never forget.

It was in that class where I met Kent. We sat beside each other in class. At that
time, I thought he was a pathetic little pest. Actually, I thought most of the kids
were pests because I wasn't 'Chinese' enough to fit into their gangs. I always sat
secluded by myself and just hated everything around me. After time past, Chinese
pop culture brainwashed me and I started to fit into their mold. Since Kent sat
beside me, we became friends and started hanging out. My bitterness towards the
world started to dissipate. At that time, my sexuality wasn't clear to me. I didn't
find Kent attractive and was actually interested in Emily, a girl in my class whom I
still think looks pretty hot. We, too, eventually became friends,yes, just friends.
As far as I could remember, I started to have feelings for Kent when he started to
have his growth spurts and grew into the school's most popular guy who eventually
became the SAC president by the end of high school. There seemed to be also
some kind of metamorphosis in his head too, because he blossomed from an average
student into the top student of his class. His rise to fame at school all happened after
I had left, but as he started to become popular, I realized I developed feelings for
him. I always wondered whether I admired him or really liked him.

"Christian, you sure you've made up your mind about leaving us ALL behind?", asked Kate,
my best friend, with her most pleading face. I don't know how, but we became best
friends. She wasn't the most talkative person, but we just clicked. It would make a lot
more sense if she was a loud mouth, because I sure liked talking a lot. But she isn't.
I guess that's why I always trusted her with everything. She and one other person knew
about my feelings for Kent.

"Oh, come on! You're leaving just like that? What's wrong with you?", Helen screamed
in my ear. Yeah, that's her, the other person, the bold and emotional Helen.

"Yeah, I've made up my mind. I'd be better off in Toronto. My Chinese sucks, remember?"
Though I have been in Hong Kong for awhile, my Chinese never did excel like the top kids
in school. I was an impediment to my future if I continued studying in Hong Kong.

"You're not just doing this to avoid Kent, are you?", Helen pushed. If Helen said it
any louder, the whole cafeteria would be able to hear.

I couldn't really reply to that. It was true. I was trying to rip Kent out of my life.
But it was also true I had to go to college and wanted a good future career. I finally
told a half-lie, "No, of course not. He's not THAT important."

"Whose not THAT important?", Kent came over to our table.

"Oh, nothing, just talking about my chemistry project partner."

"Oh, alright." Kent seemed satisfied with whatever lie I told him. "Hey, you busy after
school?"

"Not really, why?"

"You want to go to the comic book cafe with me?"

You probably guessed I would just say yes because he asked. Well, you're wrong.
"Not really. I have to go buy something from the mall."

"Oh, I'll come with you because I have nothing to do." Kent always did that, when I didn't
want him to come along, he just invites himself. Not that I would resist but it just gave
me ideas that I liked me.

"We're going with him!", Helen and Kate both stood up saying.

"So? I can come along too!" Kent and the two ladies seem to always fight over me. I liked
being the centre of attention. It fits my horoscope. "Can't I, Chris?" Oh, he also
liked to put me into these difficult situations too.

"Um, I don't really mind."

"WE MIND!!!", Helen continued and Kate just nodded.

"Stop it guys! I'll go with Helen and Kate today since I promised them. I'll go to the
comic cafe with you tomorrow. Satisfied?" I really hated compromises like this. It's such
a waste of time.

"Fine with us." Helen and Kate both said in unison.

"You promised, Chris. You promised." Kent said, a bit defeated, and turned to leave.

Things went on that way until I left that summer. Kent never knew about my departure until
I had left. I made sure nobody told him because I didn't want to squeal like a girl that
last time I saw him. That summer before I headed for Toronto, Kent and I spent a lot of time
together. He even tried to get me a surprise birthday present. For one reason or another,
I found out what it was, a jigsaw puzzle of a white Siberian tiger. I guess he wanted to put
it together with me. He never got to give it to me because I spent my 16th birthday in Toronto
that year. That uncompleted puzzle always seemed like a void in my heart till this very day.

After I had left, I kept in touch with Helen and Kate. They told me Kent kept pestering them
why I had left without telling him. Ironically, they became friends because they were in the
same class for the next couple of years. Now and again, Helen would tell me that Kent asked
how I was doing. I felt depressed because I never had the courage to tell him why I had left
him. I felt guilty because despite my abandoning him for no apparent reason, he still reached
out for me.

One Christmas, I visited Hong Kong for five days. My 'secret' visit leaked out and I knew Kent
knew about it. He had asked Helen. However, I didn't call him. I felt after 3 years, there was
no need to call him anymore because he probably hated me.

The night before my flight, the phone rang in my house. I was in the showers but I rushed out
to answer it anyway because I thought it was an emergency. Who else would be calling at 12am
in the night?

I picked up the phone shivering, "Hello?"

"Hi. Is Christian there please?" Instantly, I recognized the voice. It was Kent. He had finally
called. It puzzled me though. He had become the most popular guy in school and was swarmed
by girls all the time, but he never had a girlfriend and kept trying to rekindle our friendship.
What did he want? Didn't he understand why I hadn't called him for the past 3 years? Flashbacks
of the times we spent together all rushed back into my head. They were sweet moments. I felt like
crying but I had trained myself not to cry ever since my parents divorced. I was 19 and 19-year-olds
don't cry. Yet, at the same time, I felt angry. If he really cared, why didn't he call me in
Toronto? He could have at least sent me a greeting card during Christmas the past several years if
he wanted to know why I had left without a word. He could have easily gotten my phone number or
address from Helen or Kate. They would have gladly given it to him. Why didn't he call the first
day I was back? Why did he call now? On the last day? My flight was tomorrow morning! What could he
possibly want?

I convinced myself I didn't want to think about him anymore and finally replied coldly,
"Sorry, Christian's not here."

I thought I heard Kent say, "Huh?" on the other end of the line but just ignored it.

"Um," Kent muttered uncomfortably, "Thanks. Bye."

"Bye."

Click. There was silence in my house and I was shivering standing wet and naked in the living room.
I knew it isn't exactly convincing if someone you know says they're not there when they are clearly
the one holding the phone on the other end of the line. But I had said it. I went back in to dry
myself and sat on the sofa thinking about what I had just done. Our friendship was officially over.

This is a quick re-telling of my life a few years ago. I know it may sound rather complicated. But
life is just a complicated whirlwind. I've already simplified the details so that people can enjoy
the story. If anything is unclear, please let me know. E-mail all comments to:
sleepyheadrugrat@yahoo.com