Today has been a whirlwind, first I get shipped off to a country that I never even wanted to study at. I mean I would have preferred to study in Italy or France, around the architecture and culture, but no, ma and pa had to send me here, to a place I had no intention to even visit, never mind study in.
I guess some people would find it selfish, I mean I got a scholarship to study at a top university in New York, and all I want to do is run back home. I mean it's not like I lived on a bloody farm, I lived in the countryside and it was always peaceful and quiet, and I'm now residing in the busiest place in the world.
So I sucked it up, did what I was told, took the scholarship and flew to New York. The airports and train stations weren't so bad; I mean everyone helped me there. It's just the people out *here* that are the animals. God it's so busy and I'm going to die here, that stupid woman in the registration office was such a bitch to me and...I mean who acts like...who talks like that?
Okay I admit living in the country means, that you don't get stuck with extravagant people. I'm sure as hell not saying that New Yorker's are animals, just well some?
Now I'm sitting here with my future room mate who has just told me that if I have a problem with him being gay I should go fuck myself, in simpler terms, and all I want to do is laugh or even bloody cry, or even hug him (and probably blush cause he is fit) because he has no idea how much this means to me and I blurt it out, I say it too, and it feels so good.
"I'm gay too."
There was no hesitation, no round the block and a million times. I may be gay, but I'm not a fucking girl either. So if he told me he was gay, it was only natural I'd do the same.
Though I keep thinking it's too good to be true, but then his face brightens up and he smiles so widely, that I can see his pre molars.
He says something and I have no idea what because I'm just grinning at him, and I just nod my head to whatever he is saying, because now I can be me and it feels...so good.
Not saying that back home was a big drama either, I told my parents, and I told my friends, and I never hid who I was, but I never flaunted it either. The difference was it was the twenty first century, and people didn't pull you up on stakes to burn you alive either.
Pa was sad. Just sad, I mean he shook his head and left the room. I think he'll always be disappointed in me. But I figured, `fuck that, it's my life and I'm not changing myself just to make one person happy'. Ma she kind of started to cry and said something about not being a grandmother, which was bullocks because I have two older sisters, and they can give her as many kids as they want. Sally is my oldest sister; she was harsh and cold towards me, and I think she was even disgusted with me. She's twenty-one and she had a boyfriend. Anytime she would bring George over she'd whisper to him and he'd always glance at me. What she didn't know was that her boyfriend wasn't homophobic and he and I use to chill by the riverside banks and have a smoke. He was a nice guy, always caring and sweet and just merely shrugged his shoulders when I asked him why he hung out with me.
Tatiana, my other sister who just turned twenty when I came out, started crying and yelling and not the `I am so ashamed in you way either.' She was ecstatic and happy, and so relieved I finally came out because she said she would have done it for me if I hadn't.
If I didn't have Tatiana in my life I think I would have drowned myself. She was the only support I got from my family, and for that I'll always be grateful.
My friends were mostly female anyway, except Aaron who just laughed, and then passed out because he was high. I never actually knew what he thought of the idea of me being gay either. Chrissie, Sanya, Anita and Helena all hugged me and said they still loved me no matter what. I should have known when I was friends with the four hottest girls in school, that I was gay.
I mean I had the bad, but I had some good too. I guess I should be thankful for the latter.
Later That Day
I had unpacked all my things, I only had my computer, hi-fi system and TV to hook up; Tatiana was sending that all over to me in the next few days. I did my bed just the way my mum taught me when I was eight and I pulled the bed sheets so tight that you could bloody well bounce a ball off it. Habits die hard.
Jay had disappeared half an hour ago, saying he needed to chat to a few friends and would be back soon. I kind of wanted to go with him, it's weird but he made me feel safe and I thought we could talk about stuff. You know gay stuff.
I never had a boyfriend, or any experience of any sort, heck I haven't even kissed a girl either, and Jay just looked like he had, you know, some experience. Maybe I shouldn't assume things. Bad habits die hard.
The clock is ticking away, and I am sitting on my rock hard bed like I am waiting for my husband to come home. The halls are oddly quiet, and so are the streets below. I like it, it's peaceful and sensual.
I bet everyone has already hit the clubs and parties and now I feel kind of alone, and a bit of a dimwit just sitting here. The many non-perks of being a foreign student, you have no idea where to go.
Back home I was more of a home bound guy. I went to school, came home, went to work, came home, did my homework and went to sleep. I basically had the same cycle for the last five to six years of my life. I never minded, yeah the girls and Aaron would go to some crazy parties in the city, or go on holidays for six weeks during the summer holidays. I just never had the passion or the interest to bother with it, but they were all good to me, all understood me and I loved that about them and always will. They never tried to change me into something I knew I just couldn't be and to have friends like that is hard to come by.
It's funny how you start to remember home, even though when you are there you just want to run away and never come back. I think that only kicked in for me when I came out, my parents were quiet and sad, my sister was hostile, and it just made coming home hard and tiring.
Maybe being here will let me do those things I never did at home. I'll go to parties and clubs. I'll make new friends. I'll study hard and work and I can go home and show my parents that I am worth something.
Maybe I'll even meet someone, who I can take back home and say I love, and care for.
Maybe it's a big dream. I guess we'll start off simple, and I just hope Jay will help me.
Proof read by Morgan