WHEN I CAN’T FIND YOU
this is a story about boys who fall in love. If this is offensive to you, use your back button or go away. All rights reserved.
Hello there readers! (If any? Lol)
First off, terribly sorry that I took longer than planned on this extremely important chapter, I had it all nicely done but screwed up when I was supposed to save it and lost the last 15 pages of work – 15 pages I spent a whole night trying to get done!
Didn’t really feel like repeating my work so it took a while to get back into it. Anyway! Nothing too serious I want to let out in here from my own behalf.
I am going to do step 1 of my bit in encouraging people to
donate to nifty, to keep the site up.
And personally need to congratulate
Anyway I urge you guys to donate to nifty, admittedly I fall short on that promise right now but as soon as my stepfather is back in the country I’m going to ask him whether I can borrow his credit card for this since I can’t get money to nifty any other way.
DO YOUR BIT! SAVE NIFTY! WOOOOHOOOOO!!!!!!!
Okay that’s done.
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And a personal thanks to Jon, and Surak
who have given me a
WHEN I CAN’T FIND YOU: CHAPTER 2
The morning started as any other. We had our breakfast and I watched a movie on t.v.
Then the parents headed out to go shopping and Jamie went looking for his ‘holiday girlfriend’. I decided to take another mind-clearing yet mind-numbing walk on the beach.
The sun was already coming down quite strongly and yet again I was alone and bored. These walks, as amazing as they are, are terribly lonely. Whenever I spot a person walking along, I wish I was able to join them, to know them… I was lost in my own thoughts and drifting along when something caught my attention and I turned to the little opening in the dunes in the corner of my eye.
I heard a shrill female voice scream from the dunes, and in the few moments it took me to gather myself, the source of the screaming appeared angrily in the opening of the dunes, stomping away obviously terribly enraged, attempting to half-walk-half-run whilst fumbling to get her white blouse buttoned up.
I was almost afraid to look in her direction with the anger pouring off her, but she didn’t notice me at all, instead she just kept racing towards the peninsula far off in the distance. She was not embarrassed in the least, only pure anger was etched on her face. In her hands she’s carrying her shoes, and bra, and her skirt was not strapped neatly either. I couldn’t make out a word she was saying besides for the odd “fuck” and “asshole”. The messy girl just carried on heading towards wherever she was going, as I looked on in shock. I wondered what had pissed her off so badly…
Half a minute later my attention is yet again shifted to the opening dune, this time to the sound of a distraught boyish guy’s voice calling out “Melissa!” but barely loud enough for her to hear it over the noise of the ocean’s crashing waves.
The owner of the voice soon appears himself, a drop dead gorgeous boy with ash blonde hair, stumbling out as fast as he could while fiddling with his jeans trying to fasten the button.
He didn’t have his shirt on and the first thing I noticed was his beautiful upper body. Beautifully defined, but not over the top, just right. I totally phased out of my surroundings and found myself hypnotized by his body, his looks, the way every muscle fought as he struggled after the girl.
Over and over the boy called out for Melissa, but all in vain. She didn’t look back once. I was jolted out of my fantasy when suddenly the boy yelled out “AH FUCK!!!!” and moments later he dropped to the ground.
It was then I realized that this whole time this boy had a terrible distraught look on his face and after falling to the ground he was pale and mortified. My shy nature evaded me at that moment as I found myself instinctively running towards him.
He did not notice my existence at all until I was almost by his side.
“Uhhh, are you okay? What’s wrong?” I was half stuttering suddenly feeling very nervous talking to this hot straight boy in his moment of agony. I couldn’t believe myself for even approaching him in the first place. He looked up at me, and I was stunned.
He had the most intense icy blue eyes covered with a grey shade, and tears forming within them, stared back at me.
Blue eyes. Blue eyes… BLUE EYES! I was yet again slipping into my own little dream world because those beautiful blue eyes were cutting right into me.
It seemed like forever but it was split seconds before I jolted myself out of my dream and the concern wrote itself all over my face.
He looked directly at me for a few seconds, an almost blank stare… Then he muttered looking down towards his foot, barely audible saying something about stepping in a sharp piece of broken glass.
I looked at his right foot and then at a broken beer bottle nearby, and shrugged. The cut in his foot was deep and it was bleeding quite furiously. I felt myself go pale at the site of all the blood but managed to control myself.
“Shit” I muttered as I went to my knees to have a closer look and reaching for the glass.
He started saying “First Melissa now my foot is fucked up I just can’t…” and suddenly he broke down in tears.
“Hey dude, please calm down… what’s going on man things can’t be that bad?”
“Fuck that! My life is OVER! First my dad dies, then my friends start fucking going haywire, then that bitch forces herself on me and now she’s gonna rip my family from me!” Justin was half yelling at this point and I was starting to feel unsure of myself but I pushed on…
“Why would she take your family dude? Nobody can do that?” I tried to reassure him still in the dark.
“WHY? You wanna know why? Because I’m a faggot! The fucking secret is finally out, I’m GAY! Now the world can fucken hate me and I CAN DIE!” He broke down crying again… and yet again instinct overtook and I wrapped an arm around him.
I waited a few moments for him to pull himself together, and I pushed again: “Hey okay man relax your life’s not over don’t worry. It’s cool with me, talk to me man, you never gonna see me again. What happened back there, how did she find out and why would it destroy your family?”
He looked at me and began his story… “Melissa. I’ve known Mel for years, she’s my little sister’s best friend. They’re both 17, and she’s always had a thing for me. She kept trying to get me and I couldn’t keep pushing her away, I didn’t want anyone to find out about me. So I gave in to her a couple of months ago, but we never had sex. She’s my girlfriend and my sister’s best friend so my mom decided to bring her with us on holiday… She hasn’t stopped pushing for sex lately, and I don’t know how to run away from it anymore.”
“She kept saying we needed to do it to be closer together. She wants me and she knows I’m a virgin. Today she pulled me there behind the dunes and started coming on to me… I hadn’t planned anything and I didn’t know how to stop her this time. She was undressing me and herself and I tried to stop her, and she just kept persisting… I wasn’t getting horny. I was too scared. I tried to tell her that I can’t and she just didn’t listen she started doing stuff to try and make me hard and I couldn’t handle it anymore. I pushed her back and came out to her… I don’t know why! Next thing I know she started hitting and kicking me and screaming… then she grabbed her things and ran off yelling that I’m a faggot and that my life is over. I’m fucken scared dude. I didn’t know what to do I was frozen I couldn’t even run after her! I don’t know what to do now… FUCK MY FOOT HURTS!!!”
It’s almost as if he had forgotten about his foot when he drifted into all his emotional pain but suddenly the physical pain was back with a vengeance. I needed to do something, so I got up and held out my hand: “Get up – I’m Jason, I’m gonna take you to our chalet it’s just on the other side of the dune – my mom can help you even if it’s just to stop the bleeding.”
He took my hand and we limped towards the chalet. He muttered to me between his painful limps: “Thanks man, my name’s Justin. From Joburg dude… Thanks for helping me out. You sure your mom ain’t going to mind the intrusion? Ow fuck shit ow!”
I reassured him that everything will be fine, I knew my mom would help him without any question. Although the last thing on my mind was my mom, I was reveling in the fact that this beautiful boy was around my arm and then the realization hit me – he’s gay… He’s gay too!
As we made our way to the chalet I asked him where he was staying at, and he told me up in a resort round from the peninsula which explains why Melissa was headed in that direction. If he was going to be around on holiday as long as we were then I had definitely hoped to hang out with him. Maybe even more…
He made it clear though that he was not going back. Melissa would have told his whole family by now and they would hate him. He was afraid of going back, not knowing if he still had a family.
I continued the small talk as we headed for the chalet, gathering little facts about him. He was also 18, like myself, and also from Joburg, although he was on the western side of the city whereas I lived in the northern suburbs. He had also just finished high school and was heading off to study business management at college this year. He wasn’t sure what he wanted to do with his life and thought that would be a good course to do while he figures out his passion career-wise.
I returned the favour with information, telling him a bit about myself, where I lived, and that I was going to study advertising after the holidays.
As we stumbled up the stairs to our chalet I started yelling for my mom: “MOOOOM! Come here quick and help me, someone needs your help!” Split seconds later my mom appeared at the door, briefly looking at us for a few seconds assessing what was wrong hearing the distress in my voice, and then noticing the injury on Justin’s foot she stormed over to us and helped Justin lie down on the sleeper couch in the living room leaving his foot to dangle off so that the blood could drip on the tiles.
My mom grabbed the first aid kit and rushed back, asking what Justin had done to his foot. “Jason get me a bowl with some luke warm water and a clean washcloth quickly please!” She was taking control not thinking twice about the fact that I’d brought a stranger in, but rather working on his foot.
Justin told her everything she needed to know as she nursed on him, cleaning up the wound. I felt ill watching this and diverted my attention to Justin’s beautiful eyes and body again.
My mom, as adults do, started poking about how he managed to step in glass: “Honey why don’t you look where you’re walking how on earth do you step in glass like this?”
I was about to say that it’s hard to see glass on the beach but Justin beat me to the talking and what he said shocked me senseless.
“I told my girlfriend that I’m gay and she ran off I was trying to stop her.”
I went pale. I froze. I was not prepared to hear this boy tell my mom THAT. It’s a hundred times worse for me because I’m gay and it is still weird around my mom sometimes even though she knows. She glanced at me for a few brief seconds, and I felt fear all over as she looked at me, however a small smile creeped on her face as she turned her attention back to Justin.
I was so jumpy now. I tried to look for a way out of this situation, I needed to get out. It was then I realized Justin may still have clothing back in the dunes. I asked him and he confirmed my suspicions and I had my excuse to run off. I headed back to the dunes, running out of the chalet as fast as I could and then slowing down to a gentle pace when I was far enough trying to take my time.
As I was walking brooding over Justin’s sort-of inappropriate confession to my mom, the bright spark hit me again! I leapt into the air and yelled “WOOOOHOOOOOO!” Justin is GAY like me! He’s hot! He’s gorgeous! He’s absolutely heavenly! AND HE’S GAY! He lives in Joburg, maybe he’ll like me, maybe something can happen! His eyes. His body. His voice. He made me weak!
I made my way towards the dune opening where all the drama had occurred and found Justin’s t-shirt and slip-slops laying in a little pile. I picked them up and headed back down the beach, feeling like a little boy excited about something for the first time. As excited as I was fear was creeping in again as I came closer and closer yet to the chalet.
As I approached I heard my mom, Jannie and Justin on the porch, laughing quietly and having idle conversation. Justin had seemingly settled in quite easily with my family, and the look on my parents faces showed they obviously enjoyed his company (much more than they enjoy mine!). They all greeted me with wide smiles on their faces, and Justin with a slight twinkle in his eyes. He tried to stand up when I got there, and I asked him if he would like to come to my room so he could get changed back into his clothes.
He nodded and I bolted past everyone not really wanting to be around them, still feeling extremely shy especially around my family at this moment. Justin limped behind me looking slightly confused and lost but so cutely boyish as he followed me into my room. For the moment he seemed to have forgotten his woes and was living in the present.
The feelings and emotions that I was experiencing was quite weird. I was still high on adrenalin I think, so maybe I would have to consider some things around bed time. HEY! I just had a brilliant idea! Suddenly I turned around as Justin walked into the room facing him and blurted out without thinking: “Why don’t you sleep here tonight???! PLEAAAASE!” I was pleading with Justin without even thinking about what I was saying, and not worrying to hide the excitement in my voice.
Yet moments later I realized the stupidity and obvious desperation I was showing, how stupid can I get?! “Sorry Justin, I didn’t mean to uhm, sound so…” I trailed off not wanting to admit either stupidity or desperation out loud. Instead I opted for physical abuse, whacking myself on my forehead and blushing a little as I continued my unusual behavior, but all Justin could do was giggle uncontrollably at me, smiling widely with brightly lit blue eyes.
I wondered at that moment whether he had little Christmas lights hidden behind those eyes… But you know how things go with me I only wonder for split seconds then remember what the hell I am doing all over again!
I was frozen with embarrassment, muttering almost to myself about how stupid Justin must think I am, and he’s probably going to bolt right now, leaving me lost in my own thoughts.
On and on I continued to whirl into my own embarrassment and insanity when SUDDENLY out of the blue I was jolted back into reality when I felt Justin’s arms pull tightly around me for a hug.
I was frozen STIFF by now, how much worse (and better) could things get? He let go of me and stepped back with a wry grin on his face, nudged me in the shoulder and burst out laughing again.
I blushed a bit more and kind of chuckled with him but I was still dead embarrassed. When he’d regained some composure he grinned at me and said: “Yeah Jay, it’s cool man I’d love to sleep here at least I’ve got a place to go for one night then! Thanks…” He trailed off and an uncertain look crossed his face, the bright blue eyes dimming on me as he looked down.
“What’s wrong Jus?” I asked suddenly concerned – I was worried he’d back out of it now.
“Uh it’s just that I don’t think your mom them would want me intruding on your holiday Jase. It’s not right ya’know?”
A smile creeped on my face and I put my hand on his shoulder. “Don’t worry Jus man my mom them are cool, really they’re great with everything. They won’t mind the company, if anything, Jannie will probably revel in the chance to hang out and talk shit with you since we ignore him nowadays!”
He visibly relaxed and I was satisfied. He pulled on his shirt and asked to use the bathroom. I mean really. I gave him a glare and cussed him out about ASKING me like he was in pre-school or something. He giggled at my convincingly serious drama effect, which just resulted in a light fist on his shoulder as he turned around to head for the bathroom.
I headed back to the porch, smiling to myself about finally having a friend to hang out with. A guy who was everything my fantasies were made of, and he was right here.
I stepped out onto the porch and both parents looked at me almost questioningly but not exactly. Sometimes they just have weird facial expressions.
“Mom. Jannie. Uh is it okay if Justin stays over the night, or maybe a bit longer… till he gets his family figured out? I uh already told him it’s okay.”
Jannie agreed and my mom was exasperated that I actually bothered to ask their approval for once. She assured me that Justin is welcome and he doesn’t have to worry about a thing. Jamie could sleep on the sleeper couch in the tv room in the meantime.
Just then Jamie bounded up the stares and the first word out of his mouth was simply: “Why?”
“Oh hi Jamie!” I said in an almost sarcastic tone. My mom chipped in and explained to Jamie about Justin, omitting the sexuality detail.
I was out to everyone except Jamie and I don’t think Justin should be outed to any more people without his own consent.
Justin appeared at the sliding door and I introduced Jamie and Justin to each other. I was beginning to worry about all the ‘J’ names hanging around here!
They dapped each other and us three boys headed into the t.v. room. We talked for a while, Justin and Jamie getting along famously over sport.
I don’t exactly go crazy over sports but I generally like guys that do so it’s my own little disaster.
The day passed by easily and by 1am we were ready for bed after Jamie passed out on the sleeper couch. We headed for my room and each sat on a bed facing each other.
It was one of those moments where you just kinda stare in silence at each other and yet feel you are having some sort of communication. Almost as if we were studying each other from the inside without really knowing we were doing it.
Yet somehow, we did know. We did start talking, Justin telling me a little about school and about the holiday so far and what he thought he might do from now on. We both decided that we were going to be good friends right there and then.
As Justin admitted to me: “Jase y’know what man. I just feel like I can really talk to you and like, even though you barely know me you’ve already had my back all the way. It means a lot and I think we got something real good going here. I’ve got your back too, all the way. I don’t think I even want to leave now.”
“Yeah Jus I kinda feel the same. I’ve never gelled with anyone so quickly, we really do have something going here and I don’t want to lose you either I think we can become really really great friends hey.”
With that Justin exclaimed that he was very tired and decided we should head off to bed. I got up and without warning Justin pulled me in for an affectionate hug. I was totally caught off guard. I did not imagine at all that Justin would catch me like that. I hugged him back and felt my knees go weak and my whole body tried to melt into his.
We got undressed and crashed for the night.
A couple of days had turned into a week of Justin staying with us. We went with my mom and Jannie to all sorts of places and hung around all the time. I don’t think we ever spent a second apart besides for bathroom breaks and shower intervals.
Sometimes I did go off on my own with Jannie to the shop when Justin had been watching sport on t.v. with Jamie or something – and sometimes it happened that Justin and my mom talked a lot.
My mom was growing to love Justin quickly, and he was becoming a member of the family so rapidly it felt almost unusual to imagine we’d come here without him. I should have kept an eye on my mother though she was up to something and I never realized a thing…
Justin and I were sitting on my little ‘pride rock’ one evening during sunset, gazing over the beauty of the ocean in total silence. I don’t know how long we sat up there consumed in our own thoughts when I heard Justin say my name in a low husky voice.
I turned to face him and he looked me directly in the eye, with his soft blue eyes piercing me, as if he was reading into my soul the way I do with people. I stared back questioningly trying to read into his soul, and time seemed be frozen.
I was in a haze after a few moments, so much so that I didn’t see Justin’s face slowly move closer, his eyes close, and his lips gently touching mine for a few brief seconds.
I literally became STIFF frozen when the realization hit me, my eyes stretched wide open, in total shock staring at him directly as he slowly pulled away from the kiss and opened his eyes, still inches from my own face, looking at me with uncertainty and hope at the same time. I looked back at him deeply, wanting to mutter something about God, but nothing came out. As I stayed frozen in my own time bubble of shock his expression started becoming worried and uneasy. I could see the fear covering him and he started pulling away from me. FINALLY it hit me that he was afraid, afraid that I didn’t feel the same, afraid that I didn’t want it! So I did the first thing that took over my mind, grabbing him behind the head and pulling him back to my face locking our lips with an intense passion.
As if we had telepathically decided to open our lips and allow our tongues to roam each others mouths neither being the first, instead simultaneously we melted into a deep, long lasting passionate kiss. He pushed me down onto the ground and held my hands above my head as his body rested on mine.
It felt so good, feeling his warm body on me. After what felt like a lifetime of heaven he pulled off me and sat back up pulling me up with him.
Suddenly I was overcome with emotion. I started shivering from the adrenalin of it all and soon found myself with a tear running down my cheek.
All that was left of my logical capacity of thinking tried to conceive what was happening… I just couldn’t quite get a hold of myself though, I was so overwhelmed with Justin, this strong safe beautiful boy and he actually felt something for me!
Justin’s look became hesitant, and confused, not really knowing what was wrong with me. I looked at him deep in his eyes – hoping he would understand everything I was about to say with the full intensity that I meant it.
“Jus, it’s just… wow. You know? I’ve never had a guy come to me first, never had or met someone as beautiful as you. It’s as if you are the nicest, most beautiful guy I have ever met and every moment I spend with you I feel like I am falling deeper and deeper in love with you. You are everything I could possibly ask for in a guy, and so much more. Even on the first day we met I already felt like you had been part of my life forever. It scares me, because I feel everything with such intense emotion and I don’t know what you feel. I don’t know where this is going and I don’t want to let go of this fantasy, this fantasy of you that I find my conscience holding on to…”
He gazed at me for a moment, and whispered in that soft, husky voice that started this all off in the first place: “Jay, don’t worry my lil man. I promise you this now, I feel the same. I don’t know, I’ve never been with a guy. I just know that the feelings I’ve got inside is something real, something intense. I think I’m falling for you and hard. You’ve got a good heart. And this last week it I’m getting little tastes of the soul you have, and I want to know what is in your soul. I want to be able to stick around to experience everything about you, if you’ll let me. Tonight we have all night to get to know each other. This holiday is our oyster and we will never be far apart. Your mom already said I can stay with you guys till we get this sorted out. I like you Jase, a lot. I think I’m falling in love with you… I was so afraid you wouldn’t like me. I don’t want to let you go, it’s almost as if there’s something about you that makes me want to hold you and protect you, yet give all my deepest darkest secrets for you to protect. I trust you already, with my life…”
By now we were both sitting there with tears streaming down our faces. The moment was so special, so surreal. You know, those ‘preciousssssssssssssss’ moments in life… which have a tendency of being broken into by some really stupid device like a mobile phone!
Speaking of which mine decided to ring just now, it was my mom calling us for dinner they were waiting for us. It was dark already and we had to stammer carefully down from the ‘pride rock’.
We headed for the wet beach sand so that we could walk quickly when suddenly I impulsively grabbed Justin, and pulled him in for another intense and passionate kiss. I didn’t realize how far we had ventured in with the beach (the water had receded when we sort of veered off course) and our loving (and sexually igniting) moment was totally ruined by a strong gush of water at our feet which caught us so quickly off guard, and so powerfully we both lost balance and ended up in the water!
We giggled at our stupidity and feigned disgust at the cold air that was not pleasant in this dark when you were soaked! We ran back to the chalet, and received far too much taunting from Jannie, and another mock expression of disgust from my mom. She brought us towels and we decided to shed excess clothing on the deck before heading inside to get naked and cleaned up.
In my room I opened my cupboard to take out two fresh pairs of boxers for Justin and myself. We had been sharing most of my clothes, Justin needing to go for all my oversized pants since I was shorter than him, and he only had one pair of his own clothes here.
As I turned around from the open cupboard I froze in shock as I looked straight into a grinning, naked, gorgeous Justin standing there with a semi-hardon. I nearly had an orgasm right there taking in what I HADN’T yet seen of this god until now!
He just grinned at me and said “Your turn Jason!”
I blushed blood red and stood there not knowing what to do next. Without warning Justin bounced over my bed, pushed me against a still closed cupboard door, grabbing the sides of my head and going in for another one of those ‘disaster-attracting’ passionate kisses.
I felt my cock getting excited again but things turned much more embarrassing for me when I felt his hands slide down my arms, and to my waist, thumbs slipping into my boxers’ waistband, and then sliding it down. I gasped for air and looked as it dropped to the floor – too late to stop it – and my full mast proudly ‘reaching’ for Justin.
He looked down too and then I only noticed Justin’s bigger cock also proudly reaching for mine! We were both rock hard, and Justin pulled in for another kiss grinding his naked body into mine. I was so horny, so turned on, my hands roaming his back and ass… That passionate, disaster-attracting kiss sending the most electric sexual energy I had ever felt coursing through my veins, when suddenly Jamie walked in, froze, we looked at him in shock, also frozen. He blushed, apologized and closed the door quickly, muttering that Jannie was waiting for us to come eat we had to hurry up and shower.
I was speechless. Jamie had just found out I was gay… In the WORST way possible!
Justin being the little happy camper that he is though soon started with a fit of giggles and before I knew it we were both cracking up at our highly awkward situation. We put towels around our waists and snuck into the master bedroom to use the shower inside.
We showered together, having a little more foreplay but not really having time to pursue our now sexual-comfort with each other. We got dressed quickly, gelled our hair, and headed back for the kitchen to grab our food. When we saw Jamie all of us blushed again, as Justin and I shyly sat down next to him on the sleeper couch. My mom and Jannie looked at us strangely, and then at Jamie.
Jannie couldn’t hold in his curiosity anymore: “All right what happened? Who broke what?”
I blushed and Justin, the casual blurter, blurted out: “Jamie kind of walked in on Jason and I kissing… uhm… nake.. – OW!!!”
I kicked Justin, blushing furiously. “Nothing we were just kissing and Jamie didn’t know about me and stuff and you guys don’t know about us and we weren’t naked and…”
“THEY WERE NAKED!” Jamie exclaimed. He went on to tell me he already knew I was gay, and then my mom looked at Jannie and said “Right you owe me 200 bucks I told you it would happen before this week is over!”
Jannie looked at my mom with a sour expression and moaned: “They just kissed they didn’t say they are boyfriends yet!”
My mom said: “Ok. Fine. Jason and Justin are you boyfriends or just so horny you had to kiss?”
I choked. Justin ducked behind me trying to die just there. Jamie doubled over laughing at the situation!
My mom and Jannie were still both staring at me with dead serious expressions on their face. Finally I nodded and my mom screamed with delight.
Jannie looked at Justin and said: “You know young man couldn’t you have waited 4 more days? You just cost me 200 bucks!”
We all had to burst out laughing at that because the anguished look on Jannie’s face was so convincing we couldn’t help ourselves.
After that embarrassing episode supper became jovial and we all comically laughed and decided to play board games together.
It was one of those classical family moments you only see in the movies. I was in heaven life had never felt so perfect before.
Justin and I decided in a mess of kisses and without actually discussing it to share a bed. For someone who’s never been with a guy before, Justin really knew how to turn me on and touch me in just the right places… It didn’t take long to send me over the edge – luckily it seems my skills weren’t too bad either because Justin came as quickly as I did!
Right right I know what the readers are thinking now… DETAILS JASON DETAILS! Well excuuuuuuuuuse me gentleman and ladies if any! This is a private moment I ain’t gonna let you jack off to my Justin! *evil grin*
Moving along swiftly… We both dozed off to sleep quite quickly after our sex play, and the cuddling died down… Justin was lying on his back and I tightly snuggled to his side, one leg thrown over his, and my arm draping over his chest. This way I could rest my head on his shoulder or chest and feel him breathing.
I woke up at about 3am, and Justin was still fast asleep. All I could hear was the distant sounds of waves crashing outside. I tried in vain to drift back to sleep and when I couldn’t take it anymore I snuck out of bed and got dressed.
I headed over to the beach which was dark and totally deserted. I felt an intense power rushing over me. Something about being close to the ocean at night is very different. The waves seem to be a lot angrier, more violent… Yet so relaxing. The air is crisp and there is this strange feeling inside me, as if I have some sort of unknown command keeping the waves at bay. It’s such a powerful feeling, I sometimes think I could easily lift my arms and the waves would rise like a typhoon. Then all I need to do is bring my arms level with my shoulders to separate the ocean the way Moses did.
It was Moses wasn’t it? My memory is shady these days, you know the old age and such! Yeah right excuses excuses a 18 year old should know better!
Anyway back to superpower aura type thoughts, the reality was that I was powerless. I mean duh. It’s the feeling inside that counts, almost as if it was giving me the confidence to use this powerful feeling in all of life.
I sat down on a deck overlooking the beach. My mind drifted back to Justin. He was so special to me, in such a short time. I could sense Justin being sensitive, yet composed and strong. His physical strength made me feel reassured, safe, protected. Yet his friendliness towards me made me feel comfortable and fully at ease.
His eyes were the most captivating asset he had. They had an ability to change all the time. They were true mood-reflectors and yet so much more. Every time I looked in them they were saying more than just a ‘mood’. They were writing a poem about that specific moment in time. Perhaps even a song. If this was a movie I’m sure they would cue angels singing every single time a camera focused on Justin’s eyes.
What was even more striking to me was the way his eyes absorbed me, as if they connected with my soul and were drawing me further and further into them each time I locked my gaze with Justin’s. Nobody’s eyes had ever possessed such an intensity before, nobody’s eyes had ever connected with mine with so many hidden undertones.
I knew many people with beautiful eyes. Eyes that you could write a beautiful poem or song about but Justin’s eyes wrote their own words… Their own song and their own poem. They possessed a unique quality unlike any other set of eyes in world, and I just cannot tell you what it is.
What was amazing to me was how okay I was taking a blind leap of faith to trust Justin as much as I did. There was something so different about him. An honesty he possessed. Genuine love and emotion emanating from within him. Somehow I knew from the beginning that something about us just really fits well, like ying and yang. It was almost as if I already knew a week into this that we would be together for a long time.
I had a boyfriend that actually wanted me for ME, someone who wanted to love me, and only me, for a long time. (All this ego-boosting, it’s just me me me isn’t it?!)
I headed back to the chalet and tip toed into the bedroom, hungry for the warmth of Justin’s body. Gently lifting the covers I was about to slip in under the covers when I heard a soft mumbling voice ask me “Where were you Jay?”
I smiled at Justin in the darkness as I slipped in bed next to him. He shifted up into a sitting position and rested his head on my shoulder. I wrapped my hand around him and kissed him gently on his soft, sweet hair.
Sharing with Justin some of my ‘magical’ experience of being alone on the dark beach, we started talking about deeper things. We were opening up to each other and letting in on the memories we were locking away from most of the world.
I told Justin about memories which stood out, for good or bad reasons, from my childhood and recent times. I wanted to tell him the story of my life, because for once, no matter how common or typical some of it was, I had someone who not only listened, but wanted to hear it all.
He wanted to know what made me laugh, what made me cry. How certain things made me feel when they fell apart, or came together, like my mom and dad’s divorce, or my mom and Jannie’s union.
The divorce was rough. Not that it wasn’t a good thing. I was happy the day they divorced, believing it would finally bring an end to the fights. My parents would get physical – not in a bad way like you see on t.v but sometimes it seemed close enough to that reality. I was still learning that my parents aren’t super human, but only human and as stupid as I was with life. Growing up with their arguments and accusations I began to get hit really hard with the fact that even parents can fuck up, and that they’re only human.
It hurt – it hurt because if they can fuck up they’re not as safe as you grow up to believe.
The divorce had it’s bad sides too though. Starting a new life wasn’t as great as I thought, because suddenly there was another man in my mother’s life. My parents did the typical thing of pushing the kids in the middle of a tug war, and we had to listen to what the other parent did wrong every time we spent time with either.
I moved with my mother as my dad left home and was working for my uncle in different places.
My mom met Jannie and it was so surreal. She came home one night and mentioned she was inviting a friend and his son over for supper. We never did stuff like that before but being a new life I thought it was part of a changing way of life. I was right – more than I knew.
After the 2nd time Jannie came over, my mother cornered me in the kitchen after he had left. At least I think he left I can’t remember. She asked me what I thought of Jannie, and I said the typical ‘oh he seems okay’ type responses not quite realizing where this was going until after I had said it. Then she asked me what if they were more than friends.
I was standing against the door as that question hit me. Right then I felt my life playing out like a drama movie… Tears came flooding out my eyes as I repeated “NO!” and slid slowly down the door till I was huddled in a ball crying. I didn’t want her to touch me. I ran into my brother’s room and hid under the bed, right then it felt like the only safe place to be, because he was all I had, my mom was now somebody else’s man.
(Before I continue I would like to add in that I have two older brothers, the first of which is being mentioned now, the eldest will come in at a later stage.)
My brother came home about half an hour later with his best friend, settling down at the computer. They pulled the bed I was lying under away from the wall and closer to the computer so that my brother’s friend could sit. I got a fright and quietly shifted as the bed shifted to remain unseen.
The reality was I was the little brother, he didn’t like me, and much less liked me in his room or touching his stuff so I had to remain quiet. Then I heard a knock on the door. My brother opened the door, and my mom tried to ask idle questions when he saw the ring on her finger. Swear words directed at her came out, the door slammed, and a bag of golf clubs shoved under the handle to keep her from opening the door. I was crying silently…
There were many bad experiences after that. Including a night where I had a gun in my direction, and the only thing that saved my life was a finger behind the trigger preventing it from slipping back. I don’t want to go into it too much, I told Justin I would share more later on, but that the reality of seeing that gun in your face, is one of the scariest feelings you could ever have.
I cried most of the time, and he held me tightly comforting me all the while. I went on to how I stopped being a mommy’s boy. If it hadn’t been for Jannie coming into our lives I would have been far more attached to my mother. That experience had impacted us all. For a while my mother lived to see him and only did the minimum for us. We were an absent thought in her mind and it hurt a lot.
We were forced to learn how to become more independent. Today I can affirm that the experiences was all worth it. It taught me to survive the ordeals and grow up in many ways, and we’re all better people for what we went through.
This experience with Justin opened me to a feeling I had not felt before and always hungered when times were bad. Crying in someone’s arms, someone who is comforting you and holding you safe. I cannot describe how powerful that feeling is…
It wasn’t just me opening up though. Justin had his own tough experiences.
He grew up in a safe, happy environment. The perfect family, loving parents, secure life. All his cousins relied on him for support when their less-than-perfect families had problems or fell apart. Justin was always able to be a pillar to someone close to him, because he had a safe life to go back to, and stay sane.
He was compassionate towards others even though he had no reason to be, even though his life was fine he reached out. Why wouldn’t he? He had everything… Until that night.
The picture perfect family’s happy life came crashing down when Justin’s father and hero died in a car accident. It took a long time for Justin’s mother to pick herself up and put herself together. Their family fell to ruins, and it was a long difficult time before she started building a good life for her children again – but nothing could compare to what they had before.
Justin told me how afraid he was now that his life, which just started coming together again, was now ripped away. He had no idea what to expect from the future, because the only family he had left, the only pieces he had left of his dream, feels like they have now abandoned him as well. Melissa had the power to take everything he had left from his past away from him and burn it in front of his eyes.
Justin’s father – the way he spoke about him was amazing. His father was his hero, and it was clear Justin was attached to him like FEW boys are to their parents these days – myself included. His father not only was his hero, but his father actually WAS a hero to him. He spent hours playing with him, and never neglected Justin. Justin was always included in his father’s life, a man who was never too busy for his son.
He told me about the night he hugged his father goodbye as his father had to rush out to work. There had been a major problem which needed urgent attention, and he rushed off just after dinner. Hours later Justin was lying in bed watching t.v wondering why his father was not home yet when he heard a knock on the door.
Justin, Allison and his mother rushed to the door, all slightly confused as to who would knock at 11:35pm on a week night, especially a stormy one as this. Seeing the two police officers as Justin’s mom opened the door, they all froze and it was as if they all knew what was coming.
As soon as the words came out of the officers mouth that he had died, they broke down. Justin and Allison hugged tightly and sobbed, as Justin’s mother with a teary face walked to the bedroom, shut the door and cried. She left the bedroom once for the next three months, and that was the day of the funeral.
Justin fought hard to control himself. He had lost his hero, his dad. He couldn’t imagine it and he cried for weeks after trying to come to grips with the loss of the man he loved so much. He had to assume the position of man in the house and it was hard. Especially without his mother to support him, he fought hard and relied heavily on the cousins he so often stood strong for. He cried himself to sleep for weeks after that, and sometimes still did.
All because of a puddle of water in the road. A puddle deep and wet enough to send his father sliding into an oncoming truck…
He died instantly. And with him went a dream…
I held Justin tightly as he shared the worst experience of his life with me. It hit a hundred times harder because now he was on the brink of losing what family he had left. I was crying hard with him as he told me more and more of the awful times that followed, the fight for survival in a world that seemed pointless.
The heavy conversation drained us and we soon drifted off to sleep as we got quiet… both exhausted emotionally from opening up the deepest corners of our souls to each other. That night, we bonded on a level far deeper than I had ever bonded with anyone before…
The next morning I woke up looking right in his closed eyes. I absorbed his beautiful face and couldn’t stop myself gently smothering him with kisses and gentle touches. Slowly he opened his sleepy eyes and smiled at me.
“Morning sleepy head… you have no idea how beautiful you are you know that?”
Justin blushed slightly at me “Yeah Jase, I am beautiful aren’t I?” *giggle*
With that I went in for another soft, passionate kiss on his lips… Just as our hungry soft lips were about to touch… I flew my hands under his arms and started tickling him!!! He squirmed under me and tried desperately to force me off, but I couldn’t stop myself, happy I found someone just as ticklish as I was!
Unfortunately, he realized this and with his superior physical strength he soon had me pinned on my back and went in for the kill! I was screaming and laughing, unable to control myself or push him off. Hell even getting air was a mission!
Without warning he shifted my arms to above my head, pinning my hands down, his groin pushing hard into my growing member, as he continued to tickle me vigorously and then suddenly planting a passionate kiss on me. The kiss got so enchanting that we forgot about tickling and excitedly had our hands roaming each other’s sensual bodies… We were lost in a hot moment of kissing and getting really horny really fast when there was a knock at the door.
I got up and put on a very large t-shirt to hide my boner, and opened the door to see my lovely interrupting mother standing there with a wry grin on her face. SHE KNEW what she was interrupting I’m sure of it!
She handed me a bag and grinned an evil smile “Hey my honey, I figured Justin wanted some of his own toiletries so I bought him a few odd things I hope that’s okay, I’m glad to see you two are, uh, up…”
Blushing profusely I glared at my mother taking the bag “Yeah right as if you DIDN’T hear us waking up!”
“Sure honey anyway we need to have an important talk later today when we get back from shopping you boys want to come with?”
“No thanks. What is the talk about?” I didn’t sound too impressed.
“Just some things we need to sort out dear I’ll see you later bye!” With that she slammed my door in my face and off she went. I stood there looking dumbly at the door, Justin giggling at me.
I turned around, threw the bag on the ground and jumped onto Justin straddling him and going in for the kill. Before too long we were both horny as hell again and I dragged him, with passionate kisses all the way, to the shower.
The shower was amazing. We did everything for each other, washing each other’s hair, and bodies, inch by inch. We took it slowly, enjoying being able to explore each other’s bodies inch by inch, being allowed to touch anywhere we wanted. This of course didn’t help much for our hormones and I swear I was about ready to fuck him right there and then.
But we continued our foreplay along for a while, and started really heating things up when Justin kissed and licked his way down my chest. He was just about to engulf my cock in his mouth when SUDDENLY we were jerked apart by our reactions to FREEZING COLD water spraying from above!
We’d been having erotic foreplay for so long we’d completely ignored the fact that hot water was limited and quickly we shut off the water and jumped out.
Fun didn’t stop there though, we got back to foreplay drying each other off and walking with rock hard cocks into my bedroom…
It took split seconds for us to be on the bed, grinding our naked bodies into each other and exploring new heights in sexual energy. I kissed him and licked and nibbled all over his body for all his was worth and he returned the favour in every way possible.
Soon Justin was grinding his cock hard against me and I felt myself wanting Justin more and more to melt into me… he was lying on his back me on top of him straddling him and kissing him passionately as his hands roamed down my back, over my ass cheeks, and brushing over my hole… I felt as if we were in a different world and I wanted him…
There was nothing around us, just us, being erotic, hot, sexual, but loving. We didn’t want sex, we wanted each other, we were hungry for each other…
We enjoyed a movie on t.v after that, enjoying the feeling of being comfortable and close together without holding back in any way. I think we enjoyed the feeling more than the movie, but admittedly when the movie was done neither of us really wanted to stay cooped up indoors all day.
We decided to take a walk up the road between all the holiday mansions and see what’s around. I wondered what my mom wanted to talk about but we both decided not to worry too much about it until we got to it.
Thinking about her timing I figured it had to be a sex talk. Not that she’s ever had one with me but I don’t think she’s ever had serious cause to talk to me about it. I blushed but giggled at that conclusion.
Surprisingly, Justin did not hold back even in public. We held hands as we walked down the road, not bothering to let go when there was a passer by or a car coming from the front. We covered small talk topics like hobbies, plans, likes and dislikes…
Then I decided to cross a line. “Justin, there is something I kind of want to, and need to say to you…”
He was tense as he asked me to continue.
“Well, Jus, I just want to talk to you a bit about stuff I feel – for you. I hate having insecurities and I know I have them. We’ve progressed a really long way in a short space of time and I find myself falling hard and fast for you. I just want you to know how real all this is to me, how real this feeling is to me. I need to be honest about it because I don’t want you to think this is something small to me. It’s the biggest thing in the world to me right now, and I don’t want to lose you because I felt too much. I care about you and I really feel like you care about me. I just don’t want you to say things to me because it’s what I want to hear. I want you to mean it… I want to know that this is as real to you as it is to me. I don’t want to get hurt, so I want us to be open about what we really feel. I want everything we say to count… I don’t want to wake up some day and find out you met someone or you not sure about me or you want to experiment or I’m not good enough anymore or-“
“HOLD UP JASON! WHOA! Stop there boy!” Justin grabbed me by the shoulders and looked me dead in the eye, concern etched all over his face, especially from his eyes. His eyes penetrated my soul as he hushed me, pulled me close in for a soft, lingering kiss, and a gentle hug.
That kiss, that hug, was enough to make me want to slap myself on the head. I always talk too much, think too much! I knew he was being genuine after that kiss but he didn’t stop there.
He moved back again looking me in the eye with a serious expression. “Jason. I’m going to tell you something and I don’t want you to get scared when I tell you this. I want to tell you this because it’s the honest truth. It is what I really feel inside. I want to tell you this so that you can know that everything that is happening now, everything about us, is as real to me as it is to you. You’re everything to me and I want to show you why you are.”
He took a deep breath, kissed me on the forehead, and looked me deep in the eyes again. “Jason. I love you. I stand here today and I mean absolutely every single word I say to you. I love you more and more and I can honestly feel that love seeping deeper and deeper into every part of me. I don’t want to sound corny when I say that I feel it burning into my heart, into my soul. I feel like it’s growing every passing second, every experience and memory we are building together right now is making that feeling grow inside me. It is real to me. It is real to me because you are real to me, and I like everything about you, I want you in my life. It is real to me because you are now my life, and I need you beyond this point to carry on. You know, I needed only one hour with you to know I would want to spend the rest of my life with you. Just one hour. I love you for who you are and believe me I KNOW you are special, more than you will ever know.
If I grow tired of you or you of me we’ll fight to make that go away. WE can fight every challenge, because I know there will be challenges, but it’s going to be what makes us stronger. I’m in this for good, with you, like it or not. I’m not letting go or giving up on you! Never! So be quiet, calm down my Angel, I love you, and that’s all I need you to know. I just want you to know that I love you.”
With that he kissed me again, slowly, deeply, meaningfully and passionately. It was a kiss that made me fly away from this world into that space in time where it’s just Justin and I. Nothing else exists, just us. I felt myself crying slightly as the kiss lingered.
I pulled back, looked him in the eyes, his eyes as moist as mine, and in a husky voice I told him everything I felt. In three words. “I love you.”
It was the first time in a long time I had uttered those words and felt it to be the truth without any doubt lingering in my mind. I knew I meant it. And that is RARE for me.
There was a look in Justin’s blue eyes that just couldn’t fake it. He had honesty written in them, and I knew I could catch him lying any day, his eyes would say it all. I felt so good knowing that I had found someone who truly loved me and cared about me. I was fast on my way to the “I’m king of the world!” titanic moment.
I felt happy knowing that he was sincere, and that he is right for me. Though I’m a master of getting myself to fall for all sorts of wrong guys, half the reason it’s ugly is because I have so many doubts. I’m picky and insecure that I will get hurt, but with Justin it just isn’t there. Instead there’s butterflies, there’s love, there’s happiness radiating from me. My conscience trusted him so much that I could be open with him – without holding back. I knew I didn’t need restraint, I could be myself around Justin more than anyone else I knew – even my friends.
As we headed back in the holiday complex I noticed our car in the parking and knew my mom them were back. I started walking slower and getting edgy. I had remembered that talk and had a nasty feeling inside of me that it wasn’t a sex talk.
Justin stared at me and I caught it out the corner of my eye. I looked at him and almost in a snapping way asked him “What?”
“No, nothing. Uh. No wait. Something. Jason what’s wrong? You suddenly look angry or scared or something, what’s bothering you? Did I do something, did I say too much?” Justin asked that last question with a fear in his voice that didn’t sound as fearful as his eyes projected. I almost wanted to be careless about it when the reality hit me like a ton of bricks. Justin was afraid of rejection, more afraid of rejection than I was.
I just stared at him with my green eyes going dark, slightly confused and naïve because I stood there wondering how this boy, who is so confident within himself, could be afraid of rejection – from me of all people. That’s usually the role I play! I almost hit myself realizing how stupid I was for even needing to wonder. Justin had gone into this non-stop circus ride life with me not knowing whether he still had a family left. He had yet to face them, and based on the fact that they’ve not even tried to contact him, we knew the news couldn’t be good. I was all Justin had to cling on to right now. Right now I wasn’t just his first boyfriend who he’s naively made the new number one in his life. He had no choice, I was ALL he had.
I had a choice in the matter. I could CHOOSE to push my family in the back of my mind while I revel in my new found love. Justin wasn’t given a choice. He was forced into this hand, not that having me is a bad thing, but not being allowed to even decide how much of a role his family can play in his happiness is heartbreaking and so unfair.
Thing is I WANTED Justin with every part of me right now and that hunger for him grew with every word, every kiss, every look we exchanged. I needed him to know that rejection is the last thing he needed to worry about from me. I wasn’t going anywhere!
I smiled softly, realizing I’d been thinking far too long and Justin took my silence as a ‘yes you have done something wrong’ answer. He noticed the slight smile as I took in a breath to speak, and suddenly his fearful face had confusion added to the mix.
“Uhm Justin, yeah. I was thinking, I mean, how fast things have moved for both of us, but especially you, in your life, over the last week. I am worried. But it’s not about you, you don’t have to worry I don’t have a single doubt in my mind about you and I won’t drop you for anything in the world. I just got thinking about my mom and I have this feeling this talk is not about sex but about something I don’t want to hear. Our day to day lives are such a fantasy right now, we’re living in a dream world if we bar thinking about the consequences, but anything at any moment can come in between and make it all come crashing down. Our lives can become complicated from even the smallest thing, anything can happen to us.”
My reasoning was well justified, because I knew we couldn’t expect life would be one great fantasy all the time, at some point reality is going to kick in and we’re going to have a lot of issues we need to deal with, issues that are waiting right now already. Somehow I was afraid my mother would take the less understanding role and the more ‘grown up’ approach to everything, and force us to do things we did not want to. Simply because we were just too happy and safe within each other right now to want things to get complicated.
But telling Justin about my fears immediately made me realize how we’re in everything together and tackling every problem as a team. I knew he did not want to lose me and that he was going to stick with me, and we were both going to make this work together, every challenge is now easier because we have each other for support.
What surprised me was that to this point Justin had fitted into my life as if he had been part of the picture all along. He somehow understood every aspect of my life, as if he had secretly been lingering in our lives every single day since life began for either of us. He felt familiar. He felt like home.
Reluctantly we climbed the stairs up to the chalet, although with a lot more confidence than I would have had otherwise, especially after hearing my mother and Jannie talking away on the deck. I climbed up to the top with Justin hand in hand, and greeted them nervously as we got to the top.
A locking of eyes with my mom immediately conveyed the message, she saying ‘we have to have that talk’ and me saying ‘I know and I’m not looking forward to it!’
I glanced at the empty wine bottles on the table and decided I needed to speak to Justin about one more thing before my mother gave us the speech of doom. I excused ourselves dragging Justin to my room, my mom saying that she would be in shortly.
When we were alone I looked at Justin seriously yet again. “Justin, shit things haven’t even gotten complicated yet and I’m already having dramatic moments every ten minutes! But this isn’t so bad I just wanted to tell you something before you had to witness it in a bad way. I am sure you have noticed Jannie drinks, sometimes a lot, and my mom and him do have arguments sometimes. Just don’t want it to come out of nowhere it will be awkward.”
Justin smiled at me and put his hand on my shoulder and pulled me into a half hug. “It’s okay Jasey, my uncle drinks too. I know what kind of stuff happens, don’t worry about it man. We’ll escape any bad things together if we can. If we can’t we’ll deal with them together.”
I felt a little lighter after that, but only for a second as my mother walked in and suddenly I was pale. She ushered us to sit down across from her on the other bed.
My mom took a slightly jagged breath, seeming to be unenthusiastic about this conversation, but then again my mom never did like these serious talks much either. “Boys, I am sorry that I need to drag you both into a talk. But there are some things we need to talk about and we can’t push it off till it’s too late, some things are better dealt with now.”
I only looked at her, concern and fear written on my face – I get very anxious quite easily, and this was scaring the shit out of me. Justin sensed that and without really even worrying about my mom he pulled me into his side as we faced up for the talk that lie ahead.
My mom began: “Jason honey, before I get into the really bad part. I just want to say that first of all, ever since you’ve been gay things have really changed a lot for both of us. In a good way though because now I know I see you for who you are instead of wondering what you’re hiding behind those eyes of yours. I am glad and thankful that I have you regardless of your sexuality, and even happier for you that you found Justin. I don’t know if you see it but when I look into Justin’s eyes I see someone special, and I really hope that you two boys have something good. It’s not often we find someone good to love in our family is it?
Justin, I want you to know that Jannie and I have spoken a lot about you since the first day, and thought a lot about your situation and we are here for you, both of you. I know I’m only a half-measure but my arms are open to you and we’re not going to chase you away, not here, or when we go home, however things turn out. We love you, and will treat you as our own son, both the good and bad ways.”
Justin smiled at my mom blushing slightly but not too relaxed either somehow knowing what was coming. “Thanks Auntie Louise… It means a lot to me to have had you guys, you made my life bearable in so many ways and I appreciate it.”
“It’s okay honey, and I don’t want you to call me that again. You can call me mom, unless you not comfortable with it?”
“Uh, okay. It will be awkward but only because I’m not used to it, thanks Auntie, err, mom I mean!”
“Great. But there’s something important we need to deal with, more specifically you Justin. (I felt him sink into me as she said that.) I don’t want to force this on you but we gave you some time on purpose. We need for you to go back home-“
“WHAT!?!? ARE YOU CRAZY YOU CAN’T SEND HIM BACK!?” I was outraged and almost screaming at that.
My mom gave me a death stare and in that angry ‘now you listen to me young man’ voice she told me “Jason settle down and let me finish and if you interrupt me again I’ll send you to live in the streets now shut up. What I WAS saying is that you need to go back home Justin, and face your family. I realize that right now things are not looking good, we all know the facts here. You have been with us for a week and not one phone call. We aren’t taking you home to drop you off, just to face up to your family. It’s not that we want to but you need to know where you stand with them so that you can move on with your life, this holiday won’t last forever, not for any of us.
Whatever happens you can come back with us, and we’ll take you in for as long as you need until you can repair things with your family. But family is important, and no matter how they react or how you feel right now, you need them in your life and things won’t start coming together until you take the first step. Even if they push you away, you need to know where you stand to know how to carry on.”
I looked at Justin and felt my blood boil seeing how afraid he was. I gave my mother a scolding death stare, but she just shrugged it off.
“Jason honey I know you want to protect Justin. And though I think we all know what the reality is, none of us know for sure what his family is thinking and one way or the other he has to face them eventually, and the sooner the better. Putting this off will only make it haunt Justin and when you let something haunt you, you don’t move forward with life. It eats you from inside. Thing is we need to know where Justin’s family stands so that we can all plan together on how to move on, it’s not just Justin here. If he’s going to live with us we need to know what we’re dealing with as well. Justin needs to face his fears. We’re going there tomorrow morning and the sooner we all get this over with the sooner we can all fix this together. Justin you know you have to face this up don’t you?” My mother looked at Justin with that look and tone of voice that almost said ‘answer yes or die’.
This heated me up intensely and my 2nd outburst came wildly at my mother – seeing her trying to mother Justin. “Mom I think this is something Justin can decide for himself!”
Justin interrupted me before I could get nasty and just calmly agreed. “It’s okay Jason, your mom is right. I’m sorry that it’s like this, and it’s really hard for me to even think about going back there and facing them. I don’t know what to expect, not knowing how much my family may hate me. What if they just don’t want me anymore? What if they tell everyone that I’m gay so that I get shunned out of every aspect of my life? They can rip everything apart for me…” Justin was thinking a million things at once, a million fears running through his mind every second, struggling to properly express exactly how afraid he felt, but what he managed to say was enough to express all his fears to us – he was afraid of losing his whole life, being rejected for being who and what he is.
“Justin my angel don’t worry sweety. We are in this with you, we are going with you and we are going to stand by your side for everything. Even Jannie is standing right behind you and holding your back, and we’ll both speak with your mom too. Whether you stay there or not we are always just a phone call away and ready to be there for you at any time. If you stay and things fall apart you can call Jason, call me, call Jannie, any of us, don’t hesitate. We will be there in an instant, and we will protect you and love you all the way. I know you won’t lose Jason, so draw strength from him, and from us. You don’t have to go this alone, in fact, you don’t have a choice we are with you in this and ready to catch you if you fall, like it or not.”
Justin cried quietly into my shoulder. I felt my own heart breaking for him. “Justin, I’m sorry, I’m sorry that your life is so fragile right now… But you and I are going to have a new life together okay? We going to build it for ourselves, all we need is each other. IF you’re up for it?” Justin looked up at me with tear filled eyes, before grabbing me tightly and crying – floodgates opening on my shoulder as he muttered to me “Jason, we will. We will.”
Someone as good, and strong as Justin needed me so much. He needed me for strength. And he was all I wanted. I knew Justin is what I wanted, and I knew that I could and would be strong for him in every way possible, no matter what the cost. This is the boy I wanted to love for the rest of my life, I was sure of it. I don’t know how but I knew with every part of me that he was all I wanted.
My mom had finished saying what she needed to and quietly excused herself from our room, apologizing for needing to bring this up. She closed the door quietly behind us leaving Justin and myself in the cool room alone.
I had my own fears creeping inside of me now. I couldn’t help wondering what if his mother decided to keep him there to keep him away from me. But I realized that being with Justin has made me strong and brave, and I knew that nothing his mother could do would keep us apart. Justin was not going to leave my life and I certainly won’t allow his mother to come in the middle of it. I mean really now, any gay guy knows how to be a proper BITCH when they need to at some point, don’t they?
We sat there in near-silence for about half an hour on the bed, with just faint sobs coming from Justin, I could feel his fear riveting his body every time he thought about it. He was anxious, and I could sense it, and it made me even more anxious myself. As time went by we settled down on the bed, me spooning Justin this time, holding him tightly from behind. Holding his hand… I tear trickled down my face, a tear of fear for him. Another tear fell, a tear of caring. A third tear rolled down, one of disbelief… Then I cried silently for love, thankfulness of having this beautiful boy with me. Beautiful both inside and out.
God had blessed me when this boy came into my life. I know it is still a budding love, but somehow, something inside me knew it was real love, he was the one. Justin was the guy meant for me, and though I often hate myself, deep inside I knew I was what he needed. He made me strong so he could be weak – he was vulnerable to me, but ice to the rest of the world when problems arose. I was his outlet. His comfort. He was mine.
One way of putting it – an angel unto an angel. Modest am I not?
It became dark as we dozed off for a while, our bodies melted together. I woke up at one stage hearing his gentle breathing, and kept thinking how much I loved this boy. We woke up later to have supper, and watch t.v and do the usual evening things…
I woke up very early the next morning, around 4am. In front of my eyes in the dim glow of the garden lights outside I could see Justin. We were holding each other lying face to face, Justin holding me almost as if I was his teddy bear. His face was written with a thousand stories… the lines all over telling the tale of his tears. It broke my heart to see that. He looked so peaceful but you could see from those tear-lines that he was fighting a war within his mind. I moved slowly to kiss his lips, a soft, slow and gentle kiss, wishing it could make all his problems go away.
His eyes drew open heavily, a very faint smile appearing, but with sadness still clear on those lines on his face, and turmoil evident in those dark eyes. His eyes glistened slightly in the dark room, but I could see enough to know what he was feeling, his eyes were so intense with emotion.
I would remember this morning forever. I kissed him again, a gentle lip kiss, but in it I managed to carry a world of emotion through to him. I quietly slipped out of bed and to my surprise he did the same, and followed me to the television room. I turned on the t.v to a low volume, trying not to disturb Jamie asleep on the couch. Justin settled into a love seat and I made us some coffee. We snuggled together and watched the ending of Babe on the movie channel. Afterwards Justin said he was going to the bathroom, and I decided to head out onto the deck to get some air.
I didn’t stay out too long, getting a bit cold I needed the warmth again so I headed back in, noticed Justin was not there so I checked the bedroom.
There he was, asleep – AGAIN! I smiled inwardly and thought to myself how I should wake him up. I debated whether I should wake him up at all. I decided that I would test how deep his sleep was and if he was too far gone I would leave him. I quietly shifted over to the bed, seeing his calm face lying there. I reached out to gently touch his face… suddenly my hand was in a tight grip and I felt him yank me onto the bed and kiss me hard! I responded by letting loose my tongue and soon we were again melting together with an exhilarating expression of love and loving passion.
The passionate kiss became hotter and hotter as our arms roamed each others bodies and before we knew it we were fumbling to get our boxers off…
We woke up a few hours later, again in each others arms, smiling at one another. I kissed him and shuffled out of bed. There was both an atmosphere of happiness between us, and a looming cloud of fear for the confrontation that lie ahead of us today.
We both jumped into the shower and freshened up, dressing in my clothes and getting ready for breakfast and then the face-off. It felt really good to go up to Justin and kiss him at any time I wanted, and pull him in for a hug just because I felt like it. Few things in the world can feel as good as when someone comes up to you to kiss you and hug you out of their own. Meeting Justin on the beach that day was one thing I would forever be thankful for, regardless of whether Justin and I didn’t last forever for whatever reason.
It felt like it was far too soon when we were walking towards the car. It seemed almost as if Justin was trying to hide under my arm as if it was a wing. He was clinging to me without even realizing it, simply because he was so afraid. As we walked behind my mom and Jannie I whispered to him “Don’t worry Justin. I know that nothing I can say is going to make a difference and everything is going to sound shallow but you got to believe me on this. Things may not turn out okay and you should probably not expect them to at all, but you are now a part of my life and I love you very much. My heart has a special place just for you now, and you are my family now, regardless of what happens out there today. It might take a while but together we’ll get your family back no matter how long it may take…”
He looked at me with tears in his eyes, the blue eyes were now shadowed with grey despair. “Jay, I know. I know you’re here for me. I just don’t know if I can handle losing my mom as well. If she hates me, well, I won’t have parents anymore. I don’t know if I can handle it!”
“Justin, listen to me babe! You have my mom, and she may not be THE MOM to you, she’s still going to be all the mother you could possibly need until we can fight to get your own back again! We don’t even really know for sure how your mother is going to react, but whichever way I am going to protect you. You found me, and we’re going to face this together. You’re NOT going to lose her forever, I promise you! I’m sorry if I’m not enough but this is the best I can do Justin.”
“Jay I’m sorry! If… if you hadn’t been there, on the beach, I would have killed myself by now. I didn’t come out because of you, and you know that. Even if I had met you before Melissa came on to me, I probably would have come out sooner, but I would have been prepared then maybe. That day with Melissa, I wasn’t prepared, I wasn’t planning on this. I don’t know if I can face my mom because I don’t know what the future holds for me anymore.”
“Justin, life never goes according to plan, never. And no matter how prepared you could have made yourself for telling your mom, the pain would still have been the same, trust me I know. You have me, you have my mom, you have my family at your side, and right now I don’t think you could have asked for anything better than all of this to help you through this ordeal. Today is going to SUCK but we’re all here for you and I’m right next to you and going in this WITH you. I promise you now, here, today, that if today goes bad, we will do our BEST to get your mom back in your life when the time is right. Even if you give up on her, I won’t, even if I have to do it with a prejudice on my heart, you are important to me so this is important to me. I promise you this Justin, because I love you, I need you in my life. If I can love you this deeply and this strongly in such a short space of time, I don’t think I can imagine how the woman who gave birth to you, and brought you up, and loved you every single day she’s had you, would be able to turn her back on you forever simply because you didn’t turn out into what she wanted you to be. I promise you Justin, I love you, and I’m here for you, right now…”
So now you really got to level with me here and imagine how this poor guy feels right now. I mean his dad, the man that was his hero, died. Now his mother probably hates him. It may be almost stupid to assume this right now but the fact is that they haven’t bothered to find him or call him. Either she’s being the most considerate parent trying to give him space, or she’s not sure if she ever wants to hear his name again. I’d put my money on the latter if this was a gambling bet.
There Justin was, crying as I spoke my words, crying like a baby. Watching a grown boy – a handsome and strong guy such as Justin – break down like this? It was weird. I felt terrible for him and I really tried my best to comfort him, but I had to drag him to the car where Jannie and my mom were patiently waiting for us. I had a good family, even though they were often less than perfect, I knew I could take them for granted – everyone has their skeletons in their closets, but when you get down to it, there’s a good heart in my family even with a world of turmoil around it.
We got into the car and headed for the resort Justin’s mom was staying in…
Let me tell you being in that car at that moment was no picnic. Driving along was a complicated process of Jannie asking directions, Justin sadly mumbling them to which I had to repeat everything clearly for Jannie.
The mood in the car was very somber, but very thick, and it was difficult to endure for much longer. We finally reached the guest parking close to his mom’s chalet and we vacated the car. I had never felt so claustrophobic in the car but the fear we were all feeling, especially Justin, was consuming us all.
If I had thought Justin was clingy before we got in the car, I was in for a surprise. When we got out again he was a hundred times worse! He was snapped to my body so tightly I could have sworn we were Siamese twins. All I could do was let him melt into my body and try to protect him as best I could with my less-than-buff body. I know I’m not worth much protection in a physical sense, unless I had a weapon, but emotionally I was going to protect him better than anyone could, and I wanted to make sure he knew that.
I caught a glimpse of his eyes though, and what I saw was really treacherous… I thought to myself at that moment that if his mother turned him down I may never be able to forgive her… for graying such beautiful blue eyes, and cutting right into his soul. But I had to remind myself that were still just walking to the chalet, nothing had happened yet.
Unfortunately, Justin and I had to lead the way, which I really wish was not the case. We didn’t say anything, we just walked. We rounded a corner and on the tiled porch was Allison and Melissa, his ex girlfriend and the centre of all this bullshit. The first thing I heard Melissa mutter was “Oh Fuck!” as she jumped up and ran inside, Allison frightfully cowering after her. Melissa was off to fetch Justin’s mom – preparing for world war three.
I kept Justin tight against my body, with him only half facing forward. I could feel his body tremble vigorously beneath my tightly gripping arm, and I did all I could to make him feel safe. My mom and Jannie stood closely behind us, not sure what to do in this situation and waiting with uncertainty for what ever would come. Just then Justin’s mom appeared from the sliding door, freezing as she saw Justin and myself. She stared at Justin for a long time. Then she looked at me, but only for a split second – I don’t think she could really bare to see a person like me with her son.
Justin broke the silence first… “H..h..hi M..m..mom…” Justin was stuttering and speaking in a low hushed tone, and every action Justin did just had ‘trembling fear’ written all over it.
His mother looked nothing but absolutely shocked and horrified as she stared at him, with deadly eyes that just had hate emanating from them, eyes that were like sharp swords cutting into him. “Yes Justin, why are you here? You think you can just throw us all away to be a little faggot? Huh?” Her voice was utterly cold and cruel. I don’t think Justin had ever experienced his mother like this.
Desperately he tried to be defiant. “Mom, please listen to me! I can’t choose this, it’s not a choice it’s not my fault! I tried to run from this my whole life but I can’t, this is who I am, this is how I was made!” He was trying hard to justify being gay to his mother, but she wasn’t intent on making it easy for him at all, instead she made it quite clear what she thought of it and what she felt.
Justin. You are NOT my son. My son is a great, strong, HETEROSEXUAL boy. Not a worthless piece of shit like you, not GAY! Now you get the HELL out of my sight, I don’t want you near me, or my daughter, EVER AGAIN! GO AWAY YOU FAGGOT!” She was tearing up as she yelled at him in a shrill voice – and for a second I could sense and see in her eyes that she was not sure if she was doing the right thing as those words came out of her mouth. But the hate she felt for gays, and for Justin at THAT moment, was enough for her to drive Justin away. I couldn’t let Justin take any more of this she was killing him with her words, so I yanked him away and pulled him inside so that we could find his things and leave.
As we stepped away I could hear my mother stepping in trying to reason with Justin’s mom. But it didn’t take long for reason to turn into yelling, my mother defensively standing up for Justin as if she was protecting a cub. She was trying desperately to tell Justin’s mother what a mistake she was making but his mother wouldn’t budge. It was not long before they were both screaming at each other, Jannie desperately trying to get them to calm down, but not having much success as both woman were boiling with anger, and Melissa did all she could to add her two cents.
Allison was standing inside, pale as a sheet, staring at Justin and me in shock, glancing outside at the war. I asked Justin where his room was but he just stood there, dead. I looked at Allison and yelled at her to show me where his room was. She cowered as I yelled and trembled as she pointed me in the direction.
Justin was oblivious to all of this. He was cut off from the world. He stood in his room as if he was a statue. I didn’t have time to do anything else but search for his bags and fling his things in as fast as I could. Allison stood at the door, quietly, with tears running down her eyes.
I put a bag in Justin’s hand and he held on to it like a robot that was given a command to take the object. I grabbed the other bag and rushed out the door, Allison side-stepping to avoid me pushing her out the way, dragging Justin behind me, past the war and towards the car as fast as I could. I didn’t spare a thought for Allison, she must be enjoying this soap opera. I had no time for this.
As we got to the car I dropped the bag and looked at Justin standing there, holding the other bag.
“Justin, baby, you can put down the bag.”
“Justin listen to me.”
I stepped over to him, kissed him softly and said “Justin, I love you angel, put down the bag.” I gently pushed down on the bag and he let go. Suddenly he flew into me, his arms clutching me tightly, crying hard. I held him tightly as broke down in my arms.
I saw Jannie and a really steamed blood red furious woman who I could have sworn looked a little like my mother, approach the car. My mom just got in without a word, as Jannie loaded the bags in the trunk and let me get Justin into the car with me. He shuddered under my arm as Jannie got in and turned on the car.
Almost as if this was a movie scene playing out, I looked at Justin in his eyes and kissed him on his lips. He looked at me tears still streaming from his eyes when the song came on the radio.
I’ll Stand By You by The Pretenders played on the radio, and I mouthed the words quietly as they played.
Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now.
Don't be ashamed to cry,
let me see you through
Cause I've seen the dark side too.
When the night falls on you,
you don't know what to do,
Nothing you confess
could make me love you less
I'll stand by you,
I'll stand by you,
won't let nobody hurt you,
I'll stand by you.
So, if you're mad get mad,
don't hold it all inside ,
Come on and talk to me now.
And hey, what you got to hide ?
I get angry too
But I'm alot like you.
When you're standing at the crossroads ,
don't know which path to choose ,
Let me come along ,
cause even if your wrong
I'll stand by you,
I'll stand by you,
won't let nobody hurt you,
I'll stand by you.
Take me into your darkest hour ,
and I'll never desert you.
I'll stand by you.
And when, when the night falls on you baby ,
you're feeling all alone ,
You won't be on your own,
I'll stand by you.
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you,
won't let nobody hurt you.
I'll stand by you
Take me in into your darkest hour
and I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you.
That song said it all. Justin fell back into my arms and continued to cry, oblivious to everyone around us. I knew my mother had a hard time swallowing her anger in the car, knowing she couldn’t go on about it with Justin there, he doesn’t need to hear all that right now. When we got back Justin did quiet down a bit but he was still trembling and shaking intensly.
I held him tightly as we walked back to the chalet. Two girls passed us on our way, looking at us with a shocked yet sympathetic gaze.
We climbed up the stairs and I took Justin straight to the bedroom so he could lie down, as I spooned him from behind until he fell asleep.
After about an hour I slipped off the bed and decided to watch a little t.v. Although there was not really anything on so I joined my mother and Jannie on the deck. I sat quietly thinking about how much anger I felt towards his family. I felt a strange sort of calm over me though. The kind of calm you feel after a massive shock that had not sunk in yet. I listened idly to my mother and Jannie, giving one word responses when they wanted one, and they soon gave up on including me in their conversation. I knew they understood the emotions I was going through right now, so they didn’t push me.
I got up when I saw Justin walking out of the room, smiling sadly at me as he rubbed his sleepy eyes. I went over to kiss him, and asked him if he wanted to sit on the deck with my parents. He nodded, to which I offered him some juice and we all sat back on the deck.
I was more relaxed now that Justin was with me, and the quiet conversation we all had as the sun got ever closer to the horizon was much better than the one-worded answers I offered before Justin woke up.
We were all enjoying the quiet sunset, the fresh air, the beautiful beach and how utterly relaxing the whole environment was to all of us. Despite the issues. Justin had just cracked a joke at something Jannie had said when we heard someone climb up the stairs.
I thought it might be Jamie so I didn’t really bother to look, but suddenly everyone went quiet. I glanced up only to see Justin’s aura go blank dead, and I could sense his body was freezing up with fear and emotion. I turned round and stared in horror as she appeared on the deck…
I hope you hate me now! Hehehee! Will pound hard (at my keyboard with my FINGERS – you pervs) to get chapter 3 out for you guys ASAP.
I recommend Jumping over my mountain in College – it’s a great story so far I enjoy it thoroughly!
Thanks to Jon, you’re a star, for editing this Chapter and always being there for good comments! Jon you are fabulous for my ego! Damn. Eh. I sounded so ghei now. I better go before I freak myself out