Date: Sun, 17 Aug 2003 17:54:19 +0100
From: ben smith  <benme_over@lycos.co.uk>
Subject: Determined to succeed - Chapter 3

Determination to succeed!
By Benme_over
Edited by Drew Hunt


Authors Notes:-

This story contains Sex between men.  If you are under 18 in the Uk (or
appropriate legal age in your country) please stop reading here. If such
mentioned material may offend you please stop reading too.  This story is
fiction and any resemblance to reality is pure coincidence.

Though this story may involve unsafe sex (It is only fiction), and I
believe in playing safe (look after yourself and your partner).

Hope you enjoy my story, and of course please email me with your comments
good or bad.  It is always nice for us writers to know other's are reading
our stories, and know what readers think of the stories as they develop.

Benme_over@lycos.co.uk
Enjoy!!


CHAPTER THREE - THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH!

Over the next few weeks I saw Steve on a regular basis.  We supported each
other leading up to the date of John's Trial.  I was forced to be a witness
for the prosecution.  That was making me feel really bad about myself,
because I wanted to have sex with john, and now I was to help punish him
for doing what I wanted him to do.

Mum had collapsed one night after having a row with my dad over my
behaviour; she had drunk and drunk until she collapsed with alcohol
poisoning.  She was rushed to hospital where she had her stomach pumped.
After a week or so she went into a drying out clinic.  I visited mum twice
a week, but dad wouldn't go, not even to tell her that their marriage was
over.  No he made me take a letter to her explaining that he was filing for
a divorce and that his solicitors would be in touch.  I couldn't believe
that he would do this whilst she was trying to stop drinking.

As you can imagine I was beginning to hate my own father, I know hate is an
extreme word, but I honestly felt that I hated him.  Communication between
dad and me was virtually non-existent.  I spent any spare time I had at
Steve's, or walking in the park, basically anywhere I could go away from my
father.

Then the morning of the trial arrived, the day that I was going to be
forced to do something really bad for those people who were supposed to
protect me, i.e. the social workers, the lawyers and my own father.  They
all wanted me to lie, wanted me to condemn what john and I had done in the
toilet that night. Yes I had been abused, mentally abused by those so
called do gooder's and my father.

I felt sick and faint as I waited in a small dingy court waiting room,
waiting to be called to give evidence.  I hated them all but I hated myself
more, I hated being gay no in fact I didn't hate being gay at all.  I hated
society's attitude to Gays.  I had to sit for two hours before they called
for me. I was in that room alone with my father, who constantly reminded me
of the statement that I had given to the police, the same statement that
they had twisted the context of to suit their agenda.

There I was in the witness box, holding the bible and swearing to tell the
truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  What a joke that was.  I
was in a trance, my mind was somewhere else, and I to this day have trouble
remembering what I was asked and what I replied to the barristers.  All
that I can remember is, after several questions I looked at John sat before
me, he winked at me.  How could he still be so warm after all that had
happened to him since that night?  It was then that I broke, "Ben tell the
court what happened in the men's toilet." The prosecution barrister asked.

I didn't hear, well not the words just a voice.  "Ben please answer the
questions." came a loud voice from the judge, and my mind came back to the
courtroom.

"Yeah my lord, you see I have been told to lie." I almost shouted

" My Lord I must Object" the prosecution barrister had stood up.

"Over ruled, if Ben thinks that he has been forced to lie the court needs
to know why he thinks this way."  The judge said.

"My lord, they all wanted me to lie today, they wanted me to say he forced
me to have sex with him that day in the toilets.  They wanted me to lie
about what happened, and about myself too." I was crying almost
hysterically now, but there was no going back I had made my decision and
would take the consequences.  I looked at John, he was also crying, then I
looked at Steve at the back of the court.  He put his thumb up in support.

"Thank you Ben for being so strong and honest to the court."  The Judge
told me as I was dismissed from the witness box.  Dad stormed out of the
courthouse leaving me behind.  I knew he was going to blow his top when I
got home. So I made no attempt to follow him.  I decided to sit on the
steps outside the court building and wait for Steve to appear.  After about
an hour or so, Steve joined me.

"Hey Ben, you were magnificent today, you stood up and told all those
arrogant people the truth, you should be really proud of yourself." Steve
said as he sat down next to me.  I knew that the case had gone badly by the
grey and drawn face Steve wore.

"what was the verdict Steve?" I asked knowing it wouldn't be good.

"Guilty, they gave him two Years, they've given him fucking 2 years."

"Nnnnnnnnnnnnoooooooooooooo they can't, I told them the truth Steve they
can't can they?" I screamed in total shock.

"They can Ben, and they have I'm afraid.  Even though you think you
consented, in the law's eyes you are not old enough to give consent to
having gay sex until you reach twenty-one."

"All I ever do is cause trouble and hurt."  I was in floods of tears by
this time.  I just felt empty, lonely and numb. Numb to everything, I felt
as though I was the only person on the planet.

"Hey Ben don't beat yourself up for other peoples actions and ignorance's,
you did the right thing today and you know you did."

"Yes I suppose so, but I can't help thinking that if I didn't go looking
for you and having sex with john, then non of this would have happened."

"Come on, lets go to my place and try and relax a little."  He suggested.
We walked back to his flat. We watched a couple of movies that were on the
TV; both quite dated 70's movies.  We laughed at the hairstyles and other
comical things that looked so dated.  I always find it strange that any TV
show or films made in the 70's look so out of date more than any other
decade.  After the films had finished we had spaghetti bolognaise which
Steve and I made between us.  He opened a bottle of wine.  It was almost
like a romantic dinner, we even had soft music playing in the background
too.

After the meal, we slouched on the sofa, then Steve must have had a
thought. "Ben why don't you phone home and say your staying at a mates
house, then we can have a few drinks and relax, it would be nice having you
around the place tonight."

"Sure would be nice not to have to see dad." I half smiled as he passed the
phone to me.  I got through to one of the bar staff and asked them to tell
dad that I was staying at a mates house.  Thank goodness this was before
the days of caller ID, they wouldn't be able to trace the call back to
Steve's place.

"Hay Ben have you ever seen a porn movie~" Steve asked as I sat back down.

"No I'm too young remember?"

"To hell with that, if your old enough to do it, I sure as hell know your
old enough to see this."  He replied waving a video tape in front of me.
He then inserted the cassette into the video recorder, before sitting back
down next to me.  I rested my head on his shoulder as the video started.
It was what I now know as a standard gay porn movie, all fucking and no
story or plot.

As the video played on, I was starting to feel horny.  Almost without
knowing, I moved my hand up on Steve's crotch and realised he was getting
aroused by the video too.

"Steve?"

"Yes Ben?"

"I was wondering if, if we could do you know do it?" I said nervously not
knowing if I was overstepping the mark.

"Ben, I would love to shag you till the cows come home, I truly would.  But
it would be wrong of me; I shouldn't have put this video on.  I am so sorry
Ben." Steve said emotionally. Going by his voice and his body language it
was clear that his conscience was at war with his dick.

"But Steve, I want to make love with you, I want us to do it properly and
not in a stinking pub toilet."  I protested.

"I am so sorry Ben.  I feel as though putting the video on, made you think
I was leading you on.  But I honest to god wouldn't hurt you.  You are too
nice to hurt.  Can't you see that's why I can't make love to you?  It is
because I love you Ben. I love you Ben."

"So if you love me Steve, why won't you make love to me?" I protested once
again.

"Because I know what you are going through right now, because I don't want
to cause any trouble for you. And because of all those old farts that think
they know what you want and need better than you do."

"But I know what I want and need Steve. I want and need you, and all of the
love and affection that you can give me.  If I have to wait for that I
will.  I will."

Soon after that Steve sent me off to his bedroom. He made the sofa up for
himself.  It took me ages before I finally went to sleep.  I ran the whole
day through my mind.  As I drifted off, I started thinking about Steve and
I, and how wonderful life could be if Steve was my lover.  I vowed to
myself that one day I would have Steve as my partner.  I would own the
biggest gay club in Britain.  I vowed that I wouldn't take no for an
answer, and that I wouldn't let people pressure or put me down.

The days past by turning into weeks, I was back at school after the summer
break.  The word was out at school that I was a poof,a queer, a
cock-sucker.  School was hell.  The girls would snigger as I went past
them, and the boys would poke fun at me.  My life was a total misery.  I
had to face the snide remarks and the pushing and shoving that were
supposed to be accidental.  The only thing that held me together was my
nightly chats with Steve.  Nothing ever happened on my visits, but at least
I got to see him.

Dad took every chance he could to bad mouth John and gays in general. Dad
had no idea, nor was he even prepared to try and learn about Gay life, his
own son's life.  No I in his eyes was just one of those "PERVERTS" he even
called me a sissy boy when I walked in soaking of toilet water when I had
been forced to have my head shoved down the toilet bowl whilst my
tormentors pulled the chain.  I was just an embarrassment to to him.

I went to school as usual and coped with all of the hatred and harassment
not only from my fellow pupils but also from the teachers too.  I would
often visit my Aunties house, where my mother was now living.  I usually
visited them on a Monday or Tuesday night. They had both come to terms with
my sexuality.  I tried to get my dad to allow me to live with them, but he
refused flatly, he blamed my mother for me being the way I was.  He
wouldn't even use the word Gay or Homosexual; he just couldn't bring
himself to say it.

After one visit to my mother I headed for Steve's as usual.  However, when
I got there he had clearly been crying.  His eyes were bloodshot and
watery,

"Hey Steve, what's wrong?" I asked in concern.

"You better sit down Ben, there is something I have to tell you, but I
don't know how."

"No Steve please don't say I can't visit anymore, I couldn't bear that.
You're the only one who understands and cares about me."  I pleaded with
him

"No Ben its not that, its much worse, JJ John killed himself last night, he
was found hanging in his cell this morning."

"Nnnnnnnnnnooooooooooooooo!" I screamed hysterically "nnnnnnnoooo he can't
do that!  Please oh my god he can't!" I was crying uncontrollably. "Oh
Steve it is all my fault.  I'm evil, I am bad news.  Oh how can I live with
john's death on my conscience?  Oh Steve what am I going to do?" I was sort
of pleading for answers to my questions.

"Hey Ben, none of this is your fault, John knew the dangers of what he was
doing with you." Steve said still crying himself. "Come here."

I walked over and sat next to him, we held each other for what must have
been an hour crying into each other's bodies.  I must have cried myself to
sleep, as it was daylight when Steve woke me up with breakfast.

"Shit Dad will kill me!" I shouted.

"Look you may as well eat this first, a few more minutes wont hurt." Steve
said.  Of course he was right, I was in trouble for staying out all night
anyway, so I might as well make the most of it.

I went home immediately after breakfast.  Dad didn't even wait until I got
my coat off before he grabbed me by my neck and pinned me to the wall.  He
was just about to land his fist in my face when our barman arrived and
stopped him.

"Where the fuck have you been Ben?"

"With friends, I fell asleep on their couch." I cried.

"Likely fucking story.  You have been with those other perverts like the
one I caught you with in the toilet.  You all want hanging like the one in
fucking prison all of you!"

That was it I couldn't take any more shit.  As my dad turned to go into the
bar I whacked him hard in the centre of his back.  He fell forward and as
he lay there I started kicking him in the ribs.  I continued kicking him, I
was out of control.  He had pushed me and pushed me until I couldn't take
any more.  I had come off the rails.

I don't have any detailed recollection of what followed, but I found myself
in a cold room with a high ceiling, I was lying on a bed.  'Shit' I
thought, 'I'm in prison.'  Then the door opened and my mother walked in
with a man who I didn't know.  He turned out to be a social worker.  I
think I must have been sedated because I couldn't follow what they were
saying to me, other than I was going to live with my mother.  We were
leaving the area, and moving to Blackpool.  Mam had been offered a Job
there working in a Bingo hall.  As usual I had no real say in the
matter. Mam and the social worker had planned all of the details.

Then the social worker landed the final blow. "Ben we know that you have
been visiting Steven Anders flat daily. He has been served a restriction
order not to come near you, or make any form of contact with you."

"What!  Who the fuck?  Steve has been so nice to me, I wanted to have sex
but he refused because of what I have been going through.  He's the one
person who has made life worth living.  You can't stop me seeing him.  I
need his friendship."

"I can understand that Ben, but it is out of my hands, your father got the
restraining order out on Steve."

"Bastard!  The fucking Bastard!  I'll kill him, I will!"  I screamed.  I
fell to the ground and buried my head in my hands.  My mother tried to
comfort me but I brushed her aside and told her to go back to her bottle of
whiskey.  She slapped me on the face and burst into tears, I must have hurt
her, but at the time I didn't care, I was hurting so much inside.  I felt
that my world was ended, what was there left for me to live for?

That night I tried to take an overdose to end it all.  I wanted to put a
stop to all the hurt, pain and continuous torture by the outside world.
There I was laid on my bed in my auntie's house.  Me, a glass of water, and
two bottles of tablets.  I remember lying there for what must have been an
hour before I built up the courage to even take the lid off the tablet
bottles.  It took me several more minutes before I emptied the pills into
my hand.  It was like slow motion as I picked up the glass of water, and
put the tablets in my mouth 4 or 5 at a time then washed each handful down
with a swig of water.

I don't know how many I took, it was a mixture of painkillers and my
mothers sleeping tablets. I waited and waited for them to take effect.
Slowly they did, I started feeling sleepy, the world around me began to fog
over.  I'm not sure what happened next, but I seem to recall hearing
someone shout "Oh my god, oh no Ben, oh Ben!"  Then I must have lost
consciousness.

I woke up aching all over.  My stomach felt strained, and my head had a
dull ache too.  However, I felt at ease.  Everything felt calm and I had to
shake myself to make sure I was alive, and not looking down on myself like
the dead sometimes do in films.  I was alive however, and for some strange
reason I had been beyond the breaking point.  I couldn't be pushed any
more.  I had a plan, and no one was going to change it, not my mother or
some do good social worker.  I was going to take charge of my life whether
they liked it or not. It didn't matter anymore!


TO be continued


Please email me your comments on this story at benme_over@lycos.co.uk