Date: Fri, 16 Jul 2004 01:28:25 -0400 From: Toby Barnum Subject: Ya Can't Get There From Here - 3 There is very little in this chapter that can pass for hard core sex. The new characters needed some development. I'm the kinda guy what gets as much enjoyment out of the build up as out of the climax. Hot sex in all its glory will return in chapter 4. In order to make this work, I've had to change some of the times and ages given in chapter 1. Hell, when I wrote chapter 1, I never thought it would get this far. Thanks to all of you who took the trouble to write. Toby It was 6:00 am when Shawn inserted his card into the slot at the parking gate. He needed to check on some people, but had scheduled only one case for the morning. He cut a block of space in his schedule so he could afford to spend some time with Carol in Social Services and then with Todd who was still in the rehab unit. When he returned to the city after Christmas he felt the same way he did returning to school after the holidays. It was a temporary residence away from home. There was work that needed doing, but he didn't live here any more. If things worked out and Todd was willing, he planned to take the boy to his own place until everything was ready in Maine. Damn! He had to stop thinking of Todd as a boy. He was 29 and would resent it. Ten minutes later Shawn was walking into Carol's office in Social Services. Once Shawn had gotten past her hard shell, he found himself liking and respecting Carol a great deal. When Carol found out she couldn't have kids she started doing foster care and then went into social work. The gruff exterior was there as a buffer to guard all the care she had stored up inside. As he waited for her to get off the phone, Shawn thought about how the challenges people faced influenced them when it came time to choose a line of work. There were stereotypes of sadistic surgeons, pediatricians in their second childhood and mad psychiatrists. Sometimes they applied, sometimes not. For Carol, however, the choice of career was a perfect match for the courage with which she faced her life. For anyone on her caseload she was like a mother lioness protecting her cubs. "Hey Shawn. You here about Todd?" "Yeah, I'm missing some of the parts. I need you to get me up to speed on his background." "You know his medical history?" "I know the technical details. I want to fill in the gaps. I need the personal stuff." "OK. For starters, Todd's a pretty independent guy. Had to be. There's just been he and his mother since the beginning." "Father anywhere in the picture?" "That's something his mother was never willing to get into with us. Apparently she didn't get into it with Todd either." "Why do you say that?" "When we broke the news to him about his mother's accident, one of the things he said was 'guess I'll never get to know about my dad now'. He apparently died when Todd was 8." "That's too bad. I'm guessing some of Todd's wall is coming from a need for his father. Guy wasn't there for the toughest part of his life. Kid could have used some strong figure." "Evidently his mom tried to fill that role. Made for quite a stormy adolescence." "How's he dealing with her death?" "Ok considering." "Considering?" "As far as his mother was concerned, Todd never grew up. She needed him to be a child so that she had somebody to take care of. Todd resented it more as he got older. The leash she used to tie him at that stage was a reminder of all she had sacrificed to keep him at home. Took him awhile as an adult to realize that it was possible for a guy like him to live on his own. His resentment grew stronger. Even though she wasn't out of her forties yet, she tried to reverse roles and play the "poor me" card. He was pretty conflicted about that, but he has a strong survival drive. Started seeing one of our caseworkers a year ago and grew up fast emotionally. He was ready for a separation when she had her accident. However, he's coping with the guilt and loss and I don't think it will leave a permanent scar. That is one resilient guy out there and stubborn as hell." "Todd's stubborn alright. Probably how he coped with being kept semi-invalid for most of his life." "Todd's a fighter. Took advantage of everything he could along the way to help himself. Problem is that, according to him, the money ran out not long after his accident. He got patched back together so he could survive, but there was never any follow-up on the surgery he still needed. We suspect his mother didn't try very hard. But even if she had, it might not have made a whole lot of difference. You know how complicated it is to navigate through the medicaid bureaucracy." "Don't remind me." "Yeah, well it's guys like you that make the system tolerable." Shawn put his hand on her forehead in mock alarm. "Carol, you ok? I think I actually heard you say something nice about a man." "Don't get used to it!" "Actually I was thinking of recommending a good shrink." "Up yours, McGreggor!" "But, I'm relieved to see that it was only a transient episode" "Will you let me get on with it?" "Only if you promise not to say anything nice about me again?" "That's not a promise, it's a way of life." She continued. "Anyway, it wasn't until Todd was 28 that he found out that anything else was possible. You remember the study we ran in 2002? We got FDA approval to do some clinical trials for a new technique the Israeli's developed for handling scar tissue after wound repair. That's when Todd first showed up on our doorstep with his face. After I looked at the workup, I saw some of the recommendations for other areas that needed attention. That's when I got out my list of docs with a heart and conscience." "There is no goddamn reason why that kid had to grow up inside a prison. We could have fixed his leg a long time ago. It's a little more complicated now that he's grown, but it's gonna happen. That kid's gonna get a shot at a normal life." "That's why you're onna the docs I called." "You do have a way of twisting arms, Carol" "Shawn, stop it with the male humble bullshit. All of us know a few physicians we can count on when we find somebody who really needs it. I know the malpractice thing gets in the way, but you do it, that's what counts." "Carol, are you trying to ruin the reputation I have so painstakingly built up over a lifetime? I enjoy being a cranky curmudgeon." "Have it your way, Shawn", she said in the tone she probably used with little boys, "I'll never tell. But I'm gonna keep on calling you." "Carol, why do you think I say yes? For the reward of just one word from your ruby lips..." "Get your ass out of here. I've got work to do." "One last thing." "That's what they all say." "You really think he's gonna be ok with this Maine thing?" "Shawn, he'll never admit it to you, but he idolizes you. You're everything he's been trying so hard to be. You've had more success in getting inside that guy than any of us. You ask him to jump off a bridge, he'd do it. Just to make you happy." "Not what I meant, Carol. Do you think it's a good idea? I may be too close to the case to tell." "Men! You all think that feelings have teeth. You're not too close to the case. You just care about your patients. It's what makes you a good doc. Of course it's a good idea. You've got all your clinical bases covered. This guy has lived in the Bronx most of his life. You'll be offering him a chance to live out one of his most impossible dreams. Something to do with the male Tarzan complex no doubt. Now, if there's nothing else, I have some real problems that need attention." Shawn left to scrub. When he had finished with his one and only case for the day, Shawn made his way to the 4th floor rehab unit to talk with Todd. "Hiya, li'l buddy." "Smile, when you say that, doc." Todd tried a fierce look, but couldn't hide the fact that he liked the attention. Shawn's fingers pushed the corners of his mouth into his eye sockets. "Good enough?" "It'll pass." "Good, 'cause I want to talk to you about what's gonna happen when they kick your ass out of here." Todd looked down at his hands. "You couldn't find a place for me to stay, could ya." "That's not the whole story, Todd. I've got an idea, but the decision is yours. That's why I'm here." Todd looked up, a look of guarded hope in his eyes. Shawn proceeded to tell him all about Mark and the lodge in Maine. "That's really wierd" Todd said "What's weird" "Oh, nothing." "Todd, I'm your doctor, I need to know if something's not right here." "It's got nothing to do with what's goin' on here, honest. Just some stuff from a long time ago. I'll tell you about it someday. Right now, I want to hear more about Maine. It's only the best news I've had in my entire life, that's all." "Ok, mystery man. I can wait. Besides, there's a little more to the story." "Like what?" "The Empire State has decided that your beefy carcass is too healthy to keep here until we get everything ready in Maine. Fact is they want you outta here by tomorrow. I'd like for you to spend a few days at my place before we leave if that's ok with you." Todd was grinning from ear to ear. Shawn decided not to ask about the one shining tear that rolled down his face. When Shawn got back to his place that evening, he was surprised to hear his son Josh's voice on his machine. "Dad, can I crash with you for a few days. I got back to the city early from my trip, mom's out of town and I can't afford the hotel rates in NYC. Since Dave and I spent Thanksgiving with mom in Connecticut, you and me haven't had a chance to spend a lot of time together. I miss your insults, old man. Call me on my cell. Josh had finished a program in rehabilitation Physical Therapy at Mass General the previous June. He stayed around Boston until he took his boards in the fall. Despite his fears, he placed high when the final results were in. He was now licensed to practice in the state of Mass. Mass. had been just far enough away that frequent trips home were not a regular occurrence. Shawn missed his son's company. The boy had gotten his interest in the field from the obvious source. Shawn had brought him into the clinic on "bring your daughter to work" day just to piss off the card carrying feminists on the staff. He and Shawn had been close during his adolescent years and it was then that Josh developed an interest in what he called "service after the sale". He wanted to help people apply the results of surgical intervention to their lives. Shawn called and got Josh on the 3rd ring. "What did yer old man do to deserve the coveted honor of the presence that you are so graciously about to bestow." "Vintage dad sarcasm. My life is now complete. I can die a happy man. How's things been goin, ya old grouch?" "Son, my heart just can't take the heat of your filial devotion." "Yeah, right! Better call for the EMT's. They, at least, know what to do with a patient." "You don't know how I miss these father-son bonding experiences." "Cut the shit, dad. We can insult each other over dinner. Is it ok if I crash at your place for a few?" "As you know, the answer is always yes. You need to know, however, that you won't be the only guest." "Dad! Not already, you and mom just got separated." There was amusement in Josh's voice. "Youth! This is not a fair damsel. It's a patient who needs a place to stay for a few days." "A likely story." "Josh, you know how I always hate to bust your balloons with facts. There are two givens that shoot your fantasy out of the water. One, this patient is your age. Two, he is decidedly male." "Hey dad. This is the 21st century. My generation is open minded about these things." Josh was now chuckling. "Open minded, my ass! This is a professional relationship!" Josh decided that he had succeeded in exasperating his father, which was not at all unusual. "Uncle! Truce, until dinner?" Shawn sighed. "Ok. What time? You wanna come over to drop off your stuff first?" "How about 8:00 and yeah, I'll bring my stuff over first so we can both go out in my car." "You got it. See ya then." "And dad?" "Yeah?" "Try to keep it in your pants until the divorce comes through? Think of the family reputation." Josh was cackling. "Son, the thought that will allow me to sleep peacefully tonight is the certainty that you will one day reach my age and I will hopefully still be around to torment you." "Dad, I don't know what they taught you at Attila the Hun School of Medicine, but in the real world, nobody could possibly live to be as old as you are." The little bastard hung up. Josh was a guy that always liked to have the last word. Shawn enjoyed catching up with Josh's life over dinner. He had always been proud of his boy. Like any parent with a grown child, sometimes seeing him so full of life and confidence, Shawn wondered where this miracle came from. When he explained about Todd, Josh was all ears. "Dad, you won't have to send him out for therapy, you know. I'm licensed now." "God help the state of Mass. But seriously, this is your free time, Josh, I don't want to put work on ya." "Shut up old man. Ya got me interested. I wanna do this. Besides, where do ya think I learned it from?" Josh's smile was warm and affectionate. Shawn reached out and squeezed Josh's shoulder. "You still don't have to do it. But I want ya to know how great ya always make me feel when you do stuff like this. You've grown up into a good man, Josh. I've always been proud of you. But it's at times like this that I'm the most proud. I'm sure that Todd will thank you himself when he finds out. But I want to give you my own thanks from the bottom of my heart, son. Even if your mother and I never did anything else in life, we had you. And that makes it all worth it." There was a moment of silence when both men could not speak because of the lumps that blocked their throats. Josh as usual, was the first to break the silence. "Dad, you know you've always been my hero. Ever since I was old enough to realize that you were deliberately bringing me into your office on 'bring your daughter to work day'. I wouldn't give up the memory of the steam coming out of Julie's ears for anything. How did you guys ever patch that one up? You still seem to work well together." Julie was Shawn's Physician's Assistant and a bit touchy in the area of women's issues. "We respect one another, Josh. Julie knows that I was the one who insisted that she be hired so we would have a woman professional on the team. She also knows that I treat her with professional respect because she deserves it. The politics we deal with." They continued remembering scenes from Josh's youth until it was time to go home. The next day was Shawn's day off. He had set it aside to help Todd move in. Things moved along more quickly than he had expected because Josh provided an extra pair of hands. Todd was set up in one of the spare rooms within an hour. Shawn was happy that his desire to live outside the city led him to rent the 14 room old brick farmhouse that now provided them with enough space to live together comfortably. Josh was going to stick around and help Todd get used to his new surroundings, so Shawn decided to go back to the office and get some work out of the way. That way he'd be free to leave when things were all set up. Josh's feelings when his father left him alone with Todd were confused. He knew he had a professional responsibility to this man, but his father had also filled him in on Todd's background. Shawn hoped that Josh and Todd could get along together as buddies. Shawn felt that being with someone close to his age would help Todd deal with all the recent upheavals in his life. It was not that Josh was unwilling to befriend the man standing in front of him. It was just the opposite. Josh had a strong initial positive reaction to Todd. Todd just tugged at his insides. He was willing to make a complete fool of himself to get a laugh out of the guy. Josh admitted to himself that Todd's smile was worth any effort it took to bring it out. It was starting out to be one of those easy going friendships between two guys who shared similar interests. Josh's problem was the result of his self honesty. He had to admit to himself that he had been drawn to Todd from the time he came through the door. Josh knew he had occasional feelings for guys, but had never explored that side of himself. He had a number of guy friends who were gay. Like this was the 21st century and who didn't? He didn't think he had any major hang-ups in that area, but he was still discovering who he was and that was just plain awkward. It was one thing to talk about what turned somebody else on. It was a little more sensitive to deal with when it happened this close to home. Not being one to back away from any challenge, Josh jumped in with both feet and decided to follow this adventure wherever it would take him. "So, Todd, where do you want to go from here? You wanna rest, see a little of the countryside, stay here bulshitting, or what? I am at your service." Josh mocked a profound bow. "Josh I want to do everything. It just feels so good to be out. But first, I am gonna walk again. That's a non-negotiable. To do that, I need to work at it every day. I don't want to skip any part of it. I know it's probably not the most exciting thing for you, but could we start working on my PT now?" "Dude, can I hire you to do pep talks at the clinic? You're every Physical Therapist's dream." Josh wheeled Todd into the room they had cleared out for the purpose and got him over to the therapy couch. "Let's begin with some passive motion to keep the knee joint limber. I'm gonna move it back and forth for awhile real slow. Just relax everything and let me do the all the work. I'll support your leg with my arm and promise not to cause you a lot of discomfort." "Discomfort. Easy for you to say. Me, I say it fuckin' hurts!" Todd grinned to let Josh know he was needling him. Josh grinned back and thought that his dad would be delighted to know that payback for his wise-assed son had arrived a lot sooner than expected. When Josh rested Todd's thigh on the crook of his arm, he was very aware that he was dressed in a T and Todd was wearing shorts. Todd's bare flesh rubbing against his made his hairs prickle. Josh knew all about pheromones. Even this guy's scent was getting to him. At 6'2" Josh was a big boy. He was hairy like his dad and in shape like most of his colleagues. His hands were extraordinarily large for his frame. Since age 13 Josh had responded with a smirk and a slow "yup" to any comments about the size of his mitts. One of those hands now rested beneath Todd's ankle as he began to move his lower leg slowly through a limited range. He wanted to push the limits, but not cause Todd a lot of pain. He was careful and he knew his job well. He was also gentle because he was interested in getting to know this patient well. All during the procedure Todd was nervous and ecstatic at the same time. He had hit it off with Josh from the start and he liked him. Todd also loved to be touched, but had a really poor opinion of his body. As much as he had fought all his life, when it came to any kind of intimacy, Todd still saw himself as a cripple, substandard, damaged goods. It was ok that Josh was touching him in his professional capacity. But it was not ok for Todd to have the feelings that he did when it happened. He tried real hard not to enjoy it so much that he'd give his feelings away. Todd had never really had the opportunity to explore his sexuality. There had been no dating or adolescent experimentation. What sexual enjoyment he had, he gave to himself. His fantasies, however, were another matter. He had dreamt and longed for his father's love and touch for so long, that his need began to color his fantasies as well. He didn't think that he was looking for sex with his father. Instead, a deep seated longing for physical attention from a strong male figure was welded into his core. Josh fit the bill exactly on that score. Todd would have to be very careful so as not to embarrass them both. Josh's hands and movements had really been caresses over Todd's body. He did no more than the procedure required, but the gentleness and care he put into it were obvious. It was the most sensual exercise experience each of them had ever had. At the end, each was trying to adjust himself in an effort to hide the results of his enjoyment. Josh was wearing sweats so it was less apparent for him. His dick could leak down his left leg without drawing too much attention. Todd, however, did not have that luxury. His straining member was, to him, painfully obvious in the leg of his shorts. As usual, Josh's sense of humor rode to the rescue. In an overdone parody of May West he drawled "Hey big boy. Is that a pencil in your pocket or are ya glad to see me." At first this caused Todd to blush even more furiously. When Josh saw the clenching jaw muscles, he knew that his attempt at humor had failed. He reached out and put his hand on Todd's shoulder. Todd flinched, but Josh was persistent. "Hey, man. Lighten up. It happens to all us guys when something feels good. My theory is that for guys, anything that feels good gets wired directly to the dick. I'm not embarrassed when it happens, just grateful that I'm a red blooded horned up guy. Don't think you've had much privacy for the past two weeks. No chance for relief. Man, if it was that long for me, you'd need to steam clean the carpet right now. That is, after the emergency storm drains had a few hours to deal with the spillage. I take it as a compliment to my unequalled expertise. What was that you were saying earlier about discomfort?" It worked. Todd was grinning. "Josh McGreggor, I will not, repeat not, do anything to feed that overgrown ego you seem to possess. Not that you don't have reason for it, but I'm just stubborn enough not to play into it." "Do I detect a challenge, buddy?" "Yer on, wonder man. Your skills against my stubborn ingratitude." "Deal!" The next few days were a time of high excitement for both guys as they got to know each other and worked together. Any time either one of them would throw a rod, they passed it off with humor or comfortably ignored it. Each night as they lay in their separate beds, they soaked their cum rags after mind blowing orgasms. On the fourth day after Todd's arrival, they were again together in the exercise room. "You thinking about your mother?" It was Josh who was speaking. He waited a few days before asking. He didn't want it to seem like he was prying or anything. He had seen the looks that came across Todd's face every so often. He wanted to do something to help, but he felt powerless. Finally, as was his nature, Josh resolved his dilemma with direct action. "Yeah, Josh. Sometimes it seems clear, and others it gets all confused again. I mean, she was my mother. She did the best she could. She could have let go sooner, but I guess she just didn't have it in her. For a long time I resented her. I wondered what my life would have been like if she had been able to let me be on my own. But then, I just let go of all that stuff. My anger wasn't gonna change anything. In the end, I felt sorry for her. She said and did a lot of things that hurt, but she was still my mother." They were sitting side by side on the padded therapy couch. Josh put his arm around Todd and pulled his head into this shoulder. Todd came willingly and rested it there. His body began to convulse with sobs. The most notable thing for Josh was that they were completely silent. Josh pulled him in closer. Finally, the sobbing ceased. Todd looked up and found Josh's eyes staring into his. "Thanks, man. I needed that real bad." "Thanks for letting me be there, buddy. I care about you, ya know. I wouldn't ever do anything to hurt you." Todd looked down. "What?" "Josh, even though you're younger than I am, you're becoming like a big brother to me, and I like you a lot. You've already done enough to make me like you. You don't need to hold me 'cause you want me to feel good. You live in a different world. There's nothing wrong with the way you look. I'll still like you even if you don't want to get too close." "Don't let me ever hear you do that to yourself again, Todd. You're as normal as hell and a lot nicer than most guys I hang with. You've got some work to do with the leg. Big fuckin' deal. You're still better looking than almost any guy I can think of, including yours truly. And that's saying something." Josh smirked. "As much as it pains me to stroke your ego, dude, I am not better looking than you are. Not by along shot. You're my idea of perfect." They both knew that they had crossed a boundary somewhere in the last few minutes. Neither of them wanted to go back but they didn't know how to go forward. They sat together awkwardly for what seemed like an eternity. Then Josh spoke. "Can I hold you again? Please? I want to." For an answer, Todd leaned into Josh and felt his arms surround him again. "Hey Josh?" "Yeah?" "You can hold me any time and anywhere you want. I could get real used to this." "Me too, buddy. It's all real new to me. But I know I like it. And I know I want more." Mark called one day to say that the arrangements were almost complete on his end. Josh took the message. When Mark asked Josh to remind his father to call his friend Pete, the PT, Josh thought it was the perfect opportunity to put his plan into action. Josh could not allow himself to think about the day when Todd would leave or about the hole that would leave in his life. So, he secretly began to work on a way for them to be together a little longer. Josh had received a number of offers to join established practices in the Boston area. He had not yet committed himself to any one, but had a few first choices. He contacted each and asked if he would still be welcome if he delayed his starting date for about six months. A few said they needed to fill a position right away. But two indicated that they would be willing to wait. "Mark, how would you feel about my coming up with Todd and staying for awhile. I could continue the therapy I started here. It would relieve you of some of the day to day care, too." "Josh, you remind me of a kid trying to convince a parent. '...and if you get me the pony, he could help around the yard'. Have you talked with your dad about this yet?" "Well, not exactly." "How not exactly?" "OK I haven't said anything to him yet. I wanted to check it out with you first." "Josh, I don't see any major difficulty on this end, but I'm not going to agree until you talk with your dad and he gives his ok." "Geez, Mark. I was always able to get my way when I was a kid by telling either mom or dad that the other one already said it was ok. You and dad are a lot tougher." Josh was laughing when he said it. He was a little surprised at the sheepish tone of Mark's reply and the silence that had preceded it. "Well, Josh, just talk with Shawn and then get back to me, ok?" "You're the boss, Mark." "Don't tell your father that!" Josh heard the bantering tone creep back into Mark's voice. "Ya know, I think we're gonna get along really well together. You've got my dad down cold." Shawn made sure that Josh had dotted all his "i's" and crossed his "t's" before he would even consider it. Once that was done, Shawn agreed. He actually felt relieved, because he knew Josh's capabilities. This guy Pete was an unknown. Shawn had not been blind to the growing bond between his son and Todd. He didn't entirely know what to make of it. But then he remembered that he was the one who had asked Josh to take Todd under his wing. He could hardly throw in professional objectivity at this point. Besides, the two guys were obviously having a good time together. Shawn thought he had never seen Todd happier. He had also never been one to underestimate the healing power of happiness. The big day came and they loaded everything into Josh's Wrangler and headed north. They stopped off for the night at a motel outside of Portland to give Todd a rest. The next morning they all headed out like kids on a school outing. When the lodge came in sight, there was a light snow adding fresh powder to the two feet already on the ground. Both of the boys were excited as hell when they caught sight of the place where they would be spending the next few months. They were already acting like lab puppies just released from their crates. Mark must have been out back when they pulled up. That was fine with Shawn, 'cause he wanted to surprise him. They opened the door at the front just as Mark was coming in the back. It took a few seconds for their eyes to adjust. Shawn was in the process of introducing the boys to Mark when he noticed that Mark wasn't moving. His face had gone pale and he was trembling. He wasn't alone. Todd had insisted on using his walker to come into the lodge under his own power. There was a loud crash as Todd fell to the floor. Josh was looking over to see what was wrong when Mark lost his paralysis and jumped to Todd's side. He gathered the 29 yr old man up into his arms and held him tight. Todd seemed conscious but looked as if all the blood had been drained from his body. When he lifted his head from Mark's embrace his mouth formed one very tentative and trembling word: "dad?" Mark was clearly in another world. "Toby, Toby. You can't be here ...... they told me you were ....." Mark was moving his hands all over Todd trying to make up for 20 years of lost affection in one moment. Mark wanted to hold his boy just one more time, take in his scent, touch him, love him before he woke up from this cruel dream and Toby was claimed by the shadows of memory once again. Toby was holding on to his father for life. "Dad ...... Dad .... they told me you were gone forever.... Mister, if you're not my dad, please stop. Don't do this to me. I don't want to live if I have to lose my dad again." "Toby" Mark spoke the one word with a tenderness and love that could only have been sired by Toby's dad. "But, his name is Todd" Josh interjected. "It's T. Todd, Josh. I haven't used my first name since I was eight years old. No one has called me that since my father died. And now he's not dead, and I don't know how, and I don't care. I just heard the one word I've been waiting all my life to hear again. I just heard my dad's voice calling me home." With a single stroke Toby wiped out the years of Mark's nightmares as he responded with the words a frantic father had desperately strained to hear 20 long years ago. "Coming, dad" It's true, Toby thought, dreams do come true if you want them hard enough and never give up hope. His response brought back to warm living flesh, two souls that had each consigned the other to the frozen realms of death. A brilliant sun burst over a fresh green landscape and forever eclipsed a 20 year night with it's bright promise that the dawn had arrived at last.