A Different Fear



Disclaimer! This is fiction-not the real world. This story is the property of the author, me, Evago Rush, and it is intended for readers over the age of 18. It really is fiction, and I make up what I don't know and try to make it sound good because the most important feature of the tale is the interplay between the characters not the details of their worldly lives.

However, I enjoy reading emails and getting feedback! evagoxrush@gmail.com <mailto:evagoxrush@gmail.com>

This is a long story that is currently incomplete and will be quite a saga before it wraps up. At least I hope it will be.

Chapter 2 Listening

The weekend dragged by but I made 375 dollars. On Monday I realized I had only two days left with Jase, and eleven days of the school year. He was graduating. I was supposed to, but with everything that had happened this year, I had some credits to make up this summer. Still, the art school I was going to in Seattle had been incredibly generous, Lenny said they didn't know everything, and were going to allow me to enroll in the fall, even if I didn't quite make my graduation requirements. I had to make sure I completed everything by January next year to stay in college. But, he'd be out for the summer and off to god knows where in the fall.

Maybe I didn't know what love was, but I knew enough. I was in love with Jase. And it was the dangerous kind of devastation love. So, I allowed myself only those two days, and then I was going to avoid him. No, I wasn't going to go over to Sanje's. He must have had his own second thoughts, because he seemed distant and uneasy when I saw him again. It hurt. Fuck, it hurt. I didn't look at him after his eyes danced from mine guiltily. I swallowed the ache in my throat and took off the moment Mrs. Yeller released us.

I saw him jog onto the parking lot just as I backed out of my spot, and he put his hands on his hips, his head down a bit. He looked defeated and I sped off. No, no, no. What a fucking coward I am. But I allowed only a moment of indecision and drove the rest of the way home.

He didn't do anything Tuesday, and then detention was over. Gone, caput. Jase was out of my life. Or so I thought. I saw him everywhere the rest of the week. He walked by me in the library, outside the advisors office, in a crowded hallway he bumped his shoulder against mine, and I must have made a sound because the girl in the looker next to me gave me a look. By Friday I realized he was actually trying to get me alone, without forcing me. But the day was over and the weekend back again.

I was in the van on the way to Tacoma, new gig when Jade started bugging me about my grim face. I told her to fuck off, and she said, "Nah, I love ya too much. This has to be about a guy." And she smiled, a Cheshire cat smile. We were practically siblings. Might as well be, and I loved her to death. But when she got it in her head to know something, god help me. I was `out' because with Jade in your life there was no such thing as in. And despite all the heartache, at 18 I was wise enough (big shock) to realize I should be grateful she had helped me find my identity early. And she was the pit bull guardian in my life. No one fucked with me when she was around. But she couldn't be around at school.

"Yeah it is a guy." I caved. This is where I could tell the whole story to her, and she would be shocked and amazed that super jock from super jock family, his older sister had been a cheerleader and gone on to do it professionally, his younger brother was on the football team. "Jase Stanton."

"No kidding! Oh that is awesome, he is so gay. I forgot about him, ya know!" She wiggled. She did that when she was excited. I think it was contagious. And I always thought, why doesn't Jade have more dates? She was really cute. Her eyes matched her name and her dusty blond hair picked up light and was really seven or eight different shades.

"He isn't gay." I argued. Yeah right. I knew he was. I just wasn't admitting it to myself.

"He is so." She insisted. Her gaydar was notoriously accurate, but she hadda be putting me on.

"You forget, I am in his sisters grade. More than once she complained about her gay brother, and most people thought she meant it disparagingly because well, ya know, their parents doted on Jase. He was the son. She was just the airhead daughter." She put her arm around my back, and the van bounced along the highway. "I remember a sleepover once, he actually slept in a little pup tent with his friend Victor. Victor was moving away and we all heard them crying. The next morning, everyone saw Jase hug Victor. It wasn't the kinna hug you give a buddy, he patted Vic on the head, rubbed his hand on Vic's chest. You know, they were just thirteen. But everyone felt guilty for watching. Even their mom looked away, and not out of shame. Jase was being a man, trying to help his friend. It was loving, ya know."

The little squeeze she gave me, and the way her voice softened on the memory told me she was not embellishing. "No one talks about him being gay now. He is captain of the soccer team, and his best friend is the biggest pussyhound-sorry, fuck."

She pinched me. "So? Does he have a girl?"

"I would have known if he was gay." I kept on stubbornly and now I felt guilty.

"Uh, oh, I know that voice. What happened?"

"He came on to me and I freaked. I didn't trust..."

She smacked me. "Details! Did he touch you? Kiss you?" She was really salacious. If I wasn't away at college the first time I had sex, lost my virginity she was gonna know. "I knew it! He kissed you. What do you man he is not gay! Moron."

I told her about the whole thing. With a lot less inflection. And she was just as confused as I was about what had made him draw away. Guilt maybe.

It was weird that night when I was singing I had the strangest need. I wanted him to hear me. In my mind I tried to sing to him. Most of the songs were straight love songs, but when you hear lyrics like, `the dark side of love, or I don't know how to love you.' Every song becomes just a love song. The pulse of the country rock, and 80's music brought the house down that night. Lenny stared at me like I had grown horns.

"He's in love." Jade grinned from ear to ear. "Oh I think it is great now that we are doing the Mount Howard Fair." She was wiggling again.

"In love." Lenny said and grunted, but I saw his smile. He didn't ask. I think Jade told him everything when he needed to know something. We didn't talk about my relationships or lack thereof. But he kept in touch, and there wasn't a lack of love. I never felt unloved. He had wept, sobbed, in the hospital when I had been hurt. He loved my mom, and losing her had been awful for him.

We drove up to Seattle the next day. I loved it. We went over to the college campus because they knew going there kept me alive. On Capitol Hill the world was mine. It was gay. I could walk, I could think, be gay. Oh, I doubt they noticed, but I did get admiring looks and smiles. Even with Jade walking beside me. We went into bookstores, ate in a hip restaurant. Relaxed in a world where I felt accepted. It would be awesome if someone just asked me out, but it didn't happen. We didn't linger anywhere really, so it wasn't bound to. I thought about it, what if it had happened. What if I met someone and went out, what then? How much did a guy expect from another guy right off? It chilled me, I felt uneasy. I wanted those moments to be with someone I had gotten to know. Someone I felt...

I wanted it to be with Jase. I bought a leather and steel bracelet. The artisan engraved a name on the underside, and with Jade's urging I put Jase's and mine. Well, TnJ. It was corny as hell. But it was symbolic. I may never get to have him, but he was indelibly printed on the fabric of my life. We played in Tacoma again, and made more money that weekend than all of last month.

Jade said I walked with a little bounce to my hips the next morning. I thought she was nuts. Until Monday morning, I was coming around the commons building and a hand caught mine and I gasped. Warm fingers tangled in mine for a moment pulling me to a stop. That cool `I am invisible' look I had on fell away and I looked at Jase. He was serious, and looked, I dunno, tired. Worn. Then he tilted his head and looked hard at me, his eyes roaming over my face, his lips parting on a sigh of pleasure. Oh my god, he was staring at my mouth.

"Hi." I managed. But people were coming around the corner and I pulled my hand away. He looked hurt for a second.

"Give me your phone number." He didn't ask. He insisted. It was so very...Jase of him.

I said it. And he memorized it. Just like that.

"I'll be gone for a couple of days. Schools out this week, and the whole graduation thing is fucking killing me. I just want to get past it. Because I can't think about anything but you." And with that he walked away. Wow. That was huge. He was graduating. School was over. The summer of partying was upon him. Even if he wasn't gay, thinking about a love interest just seemed so unlikely. Okay, that was a huge assumption.

He called me at 1 am. I, like the wanton hussy that I am, had my cell on my bed. God, my cock lurched, I kid you not, at the sound of his voice.

"Ty." He said quietly, "I am over here at the UW, doing some stuff for school next year." He rambled. "Did I wake you?" He asked suddenly, "Shit school is in like 6 hours."

"No, you think I can sleep?" I asked, way too brave. Why was I so goddamn brave on the phone. Then it hit me, UW. He was going to college here in Seattle. I thought `oh thank you god, you aren't leaving me.'

"I should be there, with you. Telling you this stuff. Please don't freak out cause I am not." He said in a low voice. The hum behind his voice was almost a growl and it was tender and sexual. The way he spoke to me when it was personal.

"San's known I was gay since I was 13. Fuck, why everyone has chosen to ignore it has to do as much with me as them. But, I didn't ever say, "I changed my mind." But, what he said when he was 13 and the reality when I told him it was not going to be invisible anymore scared him. He is my friend. And school is almost over. He has a temper and he has to make it to Friday." He rushed on, and I admit, I heard the words, and absorbed that he was taking care of his friend.

"It's Okay, Jase." I said. "It's not important."

"The hell it isn't." He argued softly, "Every fucking minute I can't get with you and make it clear to you...is a chance that you will slide away from me. I need to see you. God, I can barely contain myself at school." I must have made a pained sound. "Do you know what it does to me when you make those little noises?" he breathed, and I reached down, my hand closing over my cock.

"I can't help it." I groaned.

"You have these ...masks you put on. But when I touch you, or look at you hard, they disappear." He made a sound, and I thought he is aroused too. I wondered if he wanted to hear my voice as much as I was getting off on his.

"We are playing at the fair Friday night." I said softly, "I want you to hear me. We played in Tacoma this weekend, and Jade said...well, fuck. It was obvious I was out there putting my heart in it." I circled the base of my member with my thumb and forefinger the pink glans darkened and grew moist and I wondered inwardly if he would...Oh fuck, just the image of him touching me had me near coming.


"I play guitar and sing, I guess... in a band, my uncles. It's kind of a mixture of country and rock. We do weddings, and bars and stuff like that." It was hard to tell him. I realized with a start. I loved what I did, but to say it aloud sort of didn't do it justice. We made good money, had more gigs than we could play.

"That's awesome!" He said sincerely. "The fair? Friday afternoon or night?"

"Evening, over dinner. We could-could maybe hang out after?" My voice was unsteady.

" I love your voice." He said, and made that sound again, "And no, we aren't going to hang out." I froze, "We are going to go out." The masculine way he insisted that made me gasp, and I groaned again. "I'll be there, baby." He said in a low voice.

"Oh god, Jase. This is scary." I was shaking.

"Better than scary." He was breathing hard, and I was positive he was doing the same thing I was. And of course, as usual he could read my mind. I swear to god, he really did. "In a few days, that hand around your cock is going to be mine. Just so you don't misunderstand." He groaned.

"Jase..." I came. I had barely felt my balls tighten and my fist drew up reflexively and the rush of feeling slammed into me, and groaned his name. I gasped and cried out, the orgasm shattered me and I soaked the sheet and my stomach and my hand. The bed thudded against the wall. "Oh god."

"Fuck, yeah." He said harshly and then he groaned, and I heard the rustling, and he made a sound, a rough cry. It shivered over me, and I was shaking. We spent long moments just hearing each other breathe and I was so in love. My heart was aching with it, tears started down my cheeks and he must have heard the hitch in my breathing. "Next time, that is mine."

"Jase." I argued softly. I wasn't going to see him for four days. He was telling me not to cum for four days!?

"From today on, hold it for me. I will call tomorrow night. Just with me. Promise." He ordered softly. He was seducing me. Our first date was Friday, but we would be long past the introduction date.

"Just with you." I replied shakily.

"If you freak out, you call me? Promise that too? Anything. You get scared, uneasy. Whatever the fuck it is that happens when you try to shut me out, call me instead. Promise me Ty." His voice was rough because he was scared too. "I don't care when it is. I will have my cell on all day."

I can't describe the feeling. I'd been dreaming of just such a man in my life. A "in charge" kind of man. Looking out for me. I was tough, on the outside. But he barreled past my defenses and found me. "Jase. I am freaking out right now. Don't hang up." I begged.

"Okay, Ty. Shhh." He whispered and I could hear the smile in his voice. "Do you want me to tell you about my day, and you can go to sleep while I talk?" He offered. I wondered how he knew what to do.

"God, yes." He was offering me a lifeline to be with me while I slept. "I'm sorry-"

"No! Ty, don't be sorry." He said softly, "I am this close to just driving home and sleeping with you til morning then racing back here. But we wouldn't sleep and then, I would be gone. That would make you nervous. I don't want to do anything else to make you doubt me. Or us."

"So, what happened today?"

I am not really sure what all he told me. I remember something about not having to be in a dorm because of a glitch, and being able to room with his half brother off campus the first year. But I did fall asleep with him telling me to relax. How I had the wherewithal to plug in my cell at 5 am, I will never know. Instinct, I guess.

Most of the seniors were gone that week. Graduation ceremonies were Thursday night and I was going to go. I hadn't planned on going. But, I was going to get an empty diploma, but I was going to see him. I knew there was no way his family or mine would allow us to spend any time together that night. But, it didn't matter. I needed to see him. Needed it to live.

He called me at 4pm. I was in my truck, just about to go to the store. I almost didn't hear the phone because I had just turned the ignition. I scrambled for it, "Hello?"

"You are breathing hard already." He laughed.

I laughed back. Oh my god, his laugh. It did things to me, made me grin stupidly. My face hurt from the smile. "I wasn't sure if I could get to the phone fast enough."

"I would have called again. Where are you?" He asked, and it was a throaty question, seemingly wrenched from him.

"Is this one of those what are you wearing calls?" I smiled, and he laughed again, "Because I gotta tell you, I am in the truck."

"Wouldn't want you to drive off the road."

"Parked in the driveway." I offered.

"Shit, so, yeah it is. What are you wearing?"

"You know, the same thing I wear every day."

"I almost died the first time I saw your boxers in PE, Ty." He said seriously. "Four months ago. But you had this, look in your eyes. So, I just...waited."

"Yeah. I was..." I broke off. We couldn't do this on the phone.

"Shh, it's okay. Sorry. Not now, I know." He said quietly.

"You read my mind." I whispered. "Seriously, I swear you do."

"I feel everything from you." He answered. "That day in Crawley's office, I would have beat that fucker if I thought I could do it and keep you standing. I chose you." He inhaled sharply, "Fuck, I am shaking thinking about it."

"I don't know what happened there. He started to yell, and the door was one way. I just lost it. But then you told me to breathe. So, I focused on you. I felt really embarrassed after." I leaned back in the seat, " I pretended for a minute, I could count on you."

"You could count on me, and you did. I wanted you to. I couldn't touch you. It was the most fucking frustrating moment. I was just insane with wanting to touch you. But it would have been worse..." He groaned.

He was shaken. He felt like he didn't do a good job protecting me. "What you did was perfect. I held it together and you...you let me hold on to you. You are so fucking amazing to me." I breathed, shaken. "Since that day, whenever I freak out you don't let me:"

"This week is hell. I miss you so much." He said. We had barely spent any time together, none as a `couple' but I felt like it was already done. "I will call you again tonight." He said in a low voice, "Unless you don't need me to." He teased softly.

Oh god. "I need you," I answered.

"Fuck, Ty. Man, I am dieing for you, don't say that-I am on the edge here." There it was again, that growl he had. I was so uncomfortable, I shifted, reaching down and adjusting my aching hard on. Oh god. I knew the specifics of gay sex. But, I wondered what he meant. What was it going to be between us? I mean I am pretty sure I am a `bottom.' A term I really didn't look on favorably. I hated terms. Labels.

"Turnabout is fair play." I grinned, "In detention, on that fucking mat, when you kissed m and then took off. I was dieing for you. I could feel your weight on me, and what it would be like and I was a wreck all day." I knew what he would imagine when I said it and I was rewarded with a lurid curse. He was suffering. Good.

There he went with the mind reading again, "You know what it will be like between us?" he asked.

"I think...I think so." How about that for courage?

"You know." He insisted. "You knew it the second you became aware of me. Don't taunt me with this right now, Ty. I feel angry, and I am not. I feel fierce. I want to..."
He broke off, and it sounded hard for him to do. He was protecting me. He was afraid to say it, afraid that I would get nervous. He was probably right, but I wanted it.

"Want to?" It was barely a whisper.

He made a choked sound. "I will tell you when I see you. Don't doubt me. I can't risk you getting nervous. You know I would never hurt you. But the words aren't gentle words." God, his control was agonizing. But, he was right. He wanted to fuck me. Oh, I wanted it all, but the thing that was making him lose it, was that image and putting into words would scare anyone.

"Jase..." I groaned.

"Tonight, baby. I will call tonight. Gonna go now."



We had phone sex Tuesday and Wednesday night. He was careful to only talk to me about the texture of my cock, or the feel of my mouth. He was still careful. But, it didn't matter. It took nothing for him to get me off and he had to work to keep me from coming too soon. And he always came right after I did, like the sound of me, my release made him nuts.

We were a wreck on Graduation day. Neither of us had slept more than four hours each night. Even though I wasn't technically graduating, the district had a lawsuit pending and no one was going to deny me my graduation. While I wasn't an honor student before, my grades had suffered this year. But, I was going to make it. Maybe by the end of summer. But, something told me, I was going to be distracted this summer.

Before the ceremony, Jase walked past me, pausing so his shoulder brushed mine, he turned his head and gave me a scorching look, and winked licking his lips. OH my god. I HEARD HIM. Oh I didn't hear the actual words, but I knew. I had spoken to him for so many hours, in darkness, just the liquid heat of his voice rolling over me, I heard him. He just told me he could taste me.

What happened during the ceremony? Who the hell cared? I only cared the moment he walked across the stage. He was a predator; he walked with that long legged cocky stride. I am someone, going somewhere in the world and I know exactly what I want. I wondered what he saw when he saw me cross the stage. The audience was quieter during my walk, but they only lasted about 15 seconds each, so it didn't linger. There was no opportunity to get close to each other and I was shivering with the need to touch him. We made eye contact once more and I could see the ache on his face too. He looked angry, irritated and his father was grousing at him. I needed him.

We went out to eat, and I didn't taste the food and eventually, Jade and Lenny started to laugh at me. "You've got it bad." Jade laughed, "Oh my god, Ty, he is so perfect for you. When are you going to see him?"

"Never saw you like this, Ty." Lenny grinned, "Sort of speechless."

"Tomorrow night, after the show. Maybe before. I dunno." I shrugged.

"He wants you in a very bad way." She grinned and Uncle Lenny hissed her name. I am sure the details of me being gay weren't something he focused on. He never struggled with the reality, but the specifics made his cheeks turn red.

"It's mutual." I assured her and grinned at Lenny. We ate and laughed and for the first time, Lenny didn't worry about me not having friends my age. I was okay. I had made it. Survived high school. Survived it. Jesus, what a sobering thought. My eyes suddenly were stinging with tears.

Jade was great, she hugged me fiercely and publicly I was able to hide my crushing grief. It was after eleven when I crashed on my bed, still crying softly. Oh my god. Here I was, on the verge of the best thing that ever happened to me, and all I could think of was how much it had HURT to get here. I missed my mom! I never asked to be gay! It was lonely, so fucking lonely. Being a kid was over on paper now. But for me, I had stopped being a kid four years ago.

I fell asleep crying, and he called me about an hour later. My voice was still rough and broken.

"Baby?" He said sharply. He could read me. It was terrifying how open I was to him.

"Jase." I whispered his name on a soft groan. Oh god, I wanted to hug him, feel his heat.

"What's wrong?" He was shaky and I realized, drunk. Well, yeah he and his other friends went out to celebrate, but it wasn't very late now...

"I'm fine. You out with San?" I tried hard to distract him. I couldn't give him what he wanted this time. Not now. This was too much for me.

"Dammit Ty. Are you okay?" he growled. "I am not coming over, shit, I want to. But I am wasted, and the last thing your uncle needs to see is a fucked up guy who outweighs you by forty pounds crashing into your house." It was really amazing that he thought of that.

"I am fine, its just you know. Graduating, my mom is gone. Just got kinna fucked up over it for a few minutes before I fell asleep." I must have sounded reassuring,.

"We are gonna talk about this okay, when I come see you tomorrow." He muttered. "God, I am gonna crash. I need you so much, I am about ready to walk over there. I'll be there tomorrow."

"There are some tickets for you, I reserved 4 just incase. Just, ask for them." I said quietly, kind of nervous.

"Fuck, you are so amazing. I want you so much." He was shaking. I could hear it, "Baby, I have to go." It was urgent, he was losing it. So, I let him go. I don't think I was ready to handle a drunk Jase yet.

"Night." I whispered.

"G'nite Ty, see you tomorrow."


Could that day have been any more screwed up. The sun was hot. It is the Pacific Northwest. It is never hot the first day of summer. It rains every time we have this fair. Every god damn time but oh no! Not today. Every fucking citizen was going to show up at the fair this year. My head was thundering. Lenny didn't give me much time to wallow, and Jade was all over my gear. The stuff was loaded up.

And he called me. I am standing there outside the van, the whole fucking band is lingering around the garage and he calls me.

"Hi baby."

"Jase." God, I am going to lose my voice. Then I do something I swore I wouldn't do, "you going to be there?" Sound needy.

"Oh hell ya. You stop it. You are freaking out again, huh. Shit, pick me up. On the way over. I'll go with ya." He sounded so certain. "I'll call San and tell him to take Emily and Darius, and I will just go with you. I wanted to anyway. Since last night. I told my friends. Man, I kinna lost it. I will tell you about that later. Come get me."

"Yeah?" I said, STILL fucking not believing it.

"Yeah! I'd take my car but I don't want us to have two there. I don't want to separate later."

"K, we will grab you on the way over."

"We huh?" He laughed, "so, this is the `meet the parents moment." He actually sounded...excited.

"He isn't my dad, he is my uncle." I offered.

"I know, Ty." He laughed at my idiocy, "390 Freemont, see you soon, k?"

Then there was that time thing. We were leaving in like ten minutes and the minutes were hours. I swear to god. I forgot my sunglasses on the garage counter. Oh, this was exquisite hell. And when Lenny said, "Jesus, Ty, that's the guy?" And Jase jogged down the driveway towards the van, my stomach lurched and it was Jade, squeezing my arm so hard that kept me from dieing on the spot. He was wearing long khaki shorts. His tan calves visible and flexing with every step. His off white shirt was open to the waist, revealing his broad powerful chest. Jase could be a model, except perhaps for his crooked nose. At 6'0 he was physical perfection and he moved like a panther, all grace and youth and none of the awkwardness you might think of in a big guy. He climbed in the van, rather easily.

Whatever he did to manage any kind of discomfort worked. My uncle stared at him a sec, his eyes bugging out and Jase laughed. "Hi, I am Jase." He held out his hand as he sat beside me on the seat by the door. Lenny twisted in his seat and they shook hands. His mind must have stopped working. I know what that is like, I get that too when I look at Jase.

In the warm summer light, he was golden from his skin, the heat from his eyes to the power that radiated from him. And no, Jase didn't look gay. Even Jade made a sound of singularly feminine appreciation. "Hi, Jase." Liza piped up from the front seat while Lenny just shook his hand. "I'm Liza, Speechless's girlfriend. It is really great to meet you."

"Can we go?" I managed. The van moved and Jase looked down at me. He was pressed up against my side. Other than that day two weeks ago, this was the closest I had ever been to him and I was on fire. Was I breathing? He smiled at Jade, she was still holding my other arm, and put his arm around my shoulders.

"Breathe." He said in my ear, his mouth brushing my jaw for a single long moment. I felt it to my toes. Course it pooled somewhere in my lap mostly. But I put my hand on his leg, just curled palm, let my forearm and hand rest on him. He didn't hesitate; he closed his other hand over mine, his hold firm.

"He'll be fine on stage." Jade said, grinning. "The music will get him."

"Yeah." I agreed hoarsely. Right there, in front of my family, I had my hand on Jase Stanton's leg. His arm was around me and I had the hardest fucking erection of all time. I had this jacket on my lap, because even if I was a wreck before I left, I also had already started to get aroused just from talking to him. But he was visibly aroused, and didn't give a fuck who knew it. He just smiled at me and kept stroking my fingers. Everywhere he touched me was a caress. His body was hot up against mine, and I wanted to collapse on him. The touch of his palm on the side of my neck pressing against me told me he read my mind again, and I succumbed to the pressure and rest my cheek on his shoulder.