A Different Fear



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Why am I here? Because I enjoyed writing and rereading this story and I hope I have whipped it into a shape that you will continue to enjoy. Please be gentle if you don't like it.

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Evago evagoxrush@gmail.com <mailto:evagoxrush@gmail.com>

Chapter 4 Nothing Between Us


I came apart. After the concert, he was there and when he put his arms around me, I felt the release I needed. No, not that kind of release. I wanted someone I could just be with. Be me. Not perform, not be a toy or a pet. I didn't know what fit until Jase, hell, he should not have been that person. The insanity of how it worked out struck me then. He was the lover I dreamed of, and I just couldn't handle it. He practically had to carry me to the van.

"I am sorry.." I babbled, as he belted me in, "I just freaked out again, didn't I."

He stopped and looked at me seriously, "Yeah, but this time I was here to make it better." He cupped my face in his hand, and kissed me hard imprinting the feel of him on my mouth. "But we have got to get out of here, I am really on the edge here." He grinned and I blushed. I wondered, could I just...let go and have sex with him this quickly?

When he climbed into the drivers seat, looking for all the requisite parts of the van to click in place so he could drive, I stared at the watch on his left wrist as he held the steering wheel. Oh, yeah. I could. I wanted to see that wrist against my thigh, on my belly, around my waist. He glanced over at me as he started the van, and he must have seen something in my eyes of what I was thinking. He blushed. I smiled.

"Stop that," he said in that, oh god I want you to fuck me with that, growly voice of his. "I have to drive."

"I'll try." I leaned back in my seat, feeling the tears dry on my cheeks. When did I become so weepy? There is a long answer to that, and a short answer. I guess I have always been weepy. But in the past couple of weeks, it is a different kind of weeping. It is release. Letting go of something. "I live at the end of Willow, the big cedar shake house. The garage door opener is on the visor."

He nodded and I wondered what he was thinking. Weirdly, I wondered if he liked spinach salad. It was weird because, I really was mostly just hungry for him, but I was also kind of zoned. The show had been really intense; the heat of the sun really took it out of me. I was sweaty. Oh god, I must stink. I laughed and he looked over at me again, "I seriously need a shower." I grinned, and pulled my damp shirt away from my skin.

"Not on my account." He managed. His eyes were warm. Don't ask me how eyes can be warm, but his were. He pulled into the driveway a few minutes later, a look of calculation in his eyes. The garage was half the size of the house, the backside was a studio and on top was my apartment. We pulled in and I hoped out. I was half afraid he would grab me in the car, and really, there is a perfectly good bed up stairs that he doesn't yet know about. He pretty much thought I was running, and I guess I was a little. But he smiles indulgently, in that way of his and helps me unload the cases. I drag the amp and my guitar over to the door inside. And open it as he is closing the back of the van.

"Come on up." I smile and step out the door. The stairs are outside, and go up the side of the building. There is a little balcony, deck thing and my door. It isn't locked. I know, how weird. But it really is that kind of town. He catches me in the doorway, his arm around my stomach.

"Ty..." he says in a soft warning tone, teasing but still. "You have your own apartment." He turns me around and his eyes are now fierce, he backs me into the room and kicks the door shut, "Why didn't you tell me this two weeks ago, or even yesterday?" His hard thighs are brushing mine and his cock is against my belly and he really is pressing me. God, I could come just remembering it. Every moment of that night is indelibly printed on my memory.

"It really didn't occur to me until last night." And that was the truth; it wasn't until he mentioned scaring the hell out of Lenny that I realized he didn't know anything about my living situation. It is dark in here, the wood floor is this mahogany color and there is just one rug, over by the dark blue couch and, the blinds on the window are these dark fabric storm blinds and the light that bleeds through them looks reddish. I have a queen size bed in the corner, angled out and a desk and some bookshelves. But it is clean. I picked up, but I don't usually make a mess. The kitchenette overlooks the living area and his eyes take it all in. We don't have to leave for days if we don't want to. Oh god, did I say that out loud?

"Good." He replies, I guess I did. And he kisses me, that mind-bending caress of his mouth taking mine. It is warm in here and the fan is off, but he doesn't seem to care, he reaches down, and breaking the kiss does the most amazing thing. With my leg on his hip he pulls me up and helps me hop onto him, my legs around his waist. "Hold on." And he scoops me up and carries me to the bed. I am astounded, gasping in shock and arousal.


"Yeah, I know, we need to talk. And we will, in just a minute." He sets me back off the edge and kneels over me, his mouth touches mine, lightly. Just brushing, breathing against my mouth, "Any time, any reason, you say no, I stop." He whispers, "Tell me you understand. I don't want to push and have you be afraid to say no. Promise me, you will say no when I go to fast, when I scare you."

I think I stunned him, I reached up and took his hand and brought it to the raging hard bulge between my legs, and stroked my tongue over his lips, "I might say, `slow down' but I would die before I said no. I have been waiting for you my entire life. " His fingers flexed and he groaned, making a sound of defeat and he pressed down, opening my mouth and invading with a slow measured stroke of his tongue. His fingers did that flex again and he measured me with his palm. I am not huge, but not small either. Pretty solid at six inches and proportionate to my body. But, I knew from experiencing it, his cock was bigger, harder and heavier. He flicked the tab on my jeans and I reached out to do the same to him. He stiffened.

"Wait." He whispered painfully. And he sat back; straddling my hips all of a sudden he pushed my hand down with one of his and reached around tugging his wallet out of his pocket. I blinked, okay, I was definitely going to have to say `slow down', and he already was going for --oh wait. He tugged a green and white piece of paper out. He looked down at me, a little weird smile on his face, "I am serious about you." He handed me the paper and climbed off of my lap. I blinked at him, and he lay down beside me. "Go on, read it."

Oh my god. It was an HIV test, and some others. This came from the Health Department. He was negative, and he wanted me to know. Wow. He was incredible, and I felt a flood of emotion. He was doing it again, protecting me, showing me I was safe. I sucked in a shaky breath of air and surged off the bed. I needed to drink. He made a sound, and I looked back. "Just, thirsty... and...overwhelmed."

Then he was there, in the kitchen with me, drinking beside me, like he didn't want to be anywhere I wasn't. I leaned on his shoulder. We said nothing for a long time. "It never occurred to me to do something like this," and I felt guilty about it. But then, why would I?

"Why would you? You've never had sex have you?" He put his arm around my waist again, pulling me up against him, and my eyes closed with shock. How the hell does he DO that? Read my mind. And how would he know? I mean really. But he just brought his mouth against the tender skin beneath my ear, brushing me with his lips and his nose, nuzzling my throat, and he scraped his teeth there and I gasped, the abrasion was sort of rough and soft at the same time, he was hungry. "Have you."

"No." I agreed, like the easy boy I am. And here I was the outwardly gay of us, and I knew he had more experience. I guess the moment I knew he was gay, or attracted to me, he knew what he was doing. Nothing had been an accident.

"So, it is about trust. I trust you, but every so often we do this. Because I know you won't cheat on me, it is about more than what I know. It is about what I believe. I want you to be sure, every minute you are with me, you are safe." He cupped my neck and looked down at me, his eyes were wet, and I realized he was saying more here. It wasn't just about condoms, but I think it was a little bit. It was about trust. He was showing me in a tangible way, that he was trustworthy. He already had me on the bed, but he had stopped to make sure I understood. It was the most incredibly loving thing that I just came apart.

"I love you." I gasped, "You are so fucking amazing! I want you so much, and you say and do everything as if you can see inside of me..." Whew! I was gushing. He chuckled and hugged me, and his hand stroked down my spine.

"Do you mean that?" He asked against my throat, again, as if he just couldn't get enough of tasting my skin there, nipping gently at the tendons. "Because I gotta say, I fell hard for you over these past couple of weeks."

"Thank god." I managed, my knees were shaking, "And you don't mind that I lose it when you are around?"

"Hell no!" He answered and I heard the ferocity in his tone, "I love it that I make you feel so much you can't hide it from me. I see those masks, I do. I fucking want to shake you when you try them on me. But all I have to do is touch you. And I LOVE THAT!" His eyes were closed and I tugged back. He was leaning with a hip against the counter and I reached down, seriously desperate for his cock. It was his turn to jerk, I tugged sharply on the fly of his pants and the button popped open, I shoved the zipper down and he growled my name, and cupped my palm over his bare cock. "Ty, don't do that...Fuck."

"I have to." I replied. And curled my fingers around him. Jesus, he was big, heavy. My fingers could barely circle him at the base, and I had long fingers. Oh fuck yeah, he is going to let me. I could see him fight with himself, he was afraid to just take pleasure from me. "I need this." I pressed my face into the curve of his neck and shoulder, rocking a little to move the collar of his shirt so I could open my mouth on bare skin. A shudder passed through him as I dipped my knees so I could shove his shorts down and they fell in a rush to his feet. I squeezed the now solid rod between my fingers, just holding. I rubbed my lips against his skin, and made a sound, a helpless sound. That seemed to happen a lot with him.

Jase made his own sound, between a groan and a laugh and surged around me, pulling me up tight against him, he was practically naked as he kicked away his shorts, underwear and shoes. I squirmed against him, my hand was flat against his erection and I arched my hips pressing my own cock above it. "Ty! You have...too many clothes on." He managed. I loved that I was making him lose it. And he was, he was shaking with it. I wiggled, and he did that thing again, sliding his hand behind my knee and jerking me up, my knees bumped the counter as he stepped away carrying me to the bed.

I can't describe to you the way it made me feel, that he could carry me. I never really allowed myself to vocalize what I wanted in a lover, until I started to imagine Jase. And the reality of him was more stunning than the fantasy. He went to lay me on the bed and I clung, locking my arms around him, "I need to feel your weight on me again." I begged. And stared into his eyes, and I am not sure what he saw in me. But I saw his eyes widen and he smiled, cupping my face in his hot hand he brushed a kiss across my mouth, tugging on my lower lip with his teeth and then pressing in with his tongue almost like he couldn't resist it. I lost my self in the wonder of that possessive kiss. He wanted me.

But the distraction worked and I was untangled from him before I knew it and he was standing beside the bed. "I'll be right back, stay right there." He smiled and looked over at the kitchen, "Wow, you have me naked." But he strode over and grabbed his shorts.

I blinked nervously. My voice disappeared as he pulled them on.

"Relax, I left something in the car. I'll be right back" He tilted his head at me, "I promise." And he pulled his shorts on and walked barefoot out the door.

I crashed back on the bed. He had sooo much control. How could I possibly make him lose that? Waitaminit. Am I crazy? I jumped from the bed and ran across the room and stood in the doorway. He jogged up the steps, the muscles of his chest flexing and lifted his head and smiled at me. He did that thing again, stepped up close and backed me in the doorway, but this time he had a duffel bag in his hand, oh, I remember now, he had that when he got in the van. His stuff. So, he had planned on staying with me, somewhere.

"You freaked out again." He said with a half smile, tsking, his palm came up and cupped my cheek as he ran his thumb down my nose tugging on my lower lip and chin, he parted my lips and leaned in for a hungry kiss, "This time you did the right thing, you followed instead of ran away." He growled and the bed hit me on the back of the knees, but when I would have fallen back he held me upright dropping his bag on the floor. "There are a few things we need to work out before I lay on top of you.." He said darkly, kissing me so hungrily between words, "One, you gotta be naked this time." He shoved my button shirt off of my shoulders; it never had been buttoned since the concert. His fingers crawled beneath the hem of the tank underneath shoving it upward, "Lift your arms." He whispered against my mouth and stepped back sweeping it over my head. I swayed without his support.

I was sweaty and damp and I became suddenly self-conscious, "I should shower."

"No." He said firmly. "Hell, no." He wrapped his arm behind the small of my back and bent his head, his mouth found the indentation near my collar bone and he licked me, He shrugged out of his shirt and our bare chests rubbed together and my knees shook. The contact was hot, damp and he groaned. The warm male scent of him, it made my mouth water, and I wanted to bury my face in his skin. Oh god. My hands found the waist of his pants again, I wanted to put my face against his crotch and inhale and know that scent, that hot musky smell that was his alone. I tugged and the button was stubborn, and he smiled at my frustration closing his hand over mine he helped me loosen his shorts again and then he took my hand and cupped it over his rigid hard on, he was slick with pre-cum, and I shook with the need to taste him. I licked my lips and silently begged him. He loosed his arms and I sat, just like that on the bed, his hand on my cheek, "You sure?"

"I'll die if I don't taste you." I swore. My fingers wrapped around the base, and his cock arched up, brushing the thick head against my lips. He shuddered, his fingers gripping my cheek and the side of my head. I did it again, stroked my lips across the tip, drawing my hands down, and up I tilted my head and cupped my tongue under the edge of the broad head and covered it with my mouth. I had done this a couple of times, but the shape of his cock was so perfect, I only worried about gagging on the size. My teeth didn't touch him, and I simply rested for a long moment, working him with my tongue, saliva running down my chin I slowly leaned in, relaxing my jaw and he bumped the back of my throat and he made a sound. Shaking.

"Ty!" He warned. I gagged a little when he clutched me, forcing himself a little deeper but he relaxed his hold and I relaxed, drawing back and then back down, I don't know how I managed to focus on these things, but I slipped my fingers lower and spread them around his balls, this time he fucked my face uncontrollably. And I swallowed, relaxing, only flinching slightly, and he shook. He was close, and it thrilled me, how much he wanted this. The slick flow of his pre-cum was salty and hot, but it wasn't what I needed. I wrapped my arm around his hip and spread my hand around the base, slowly arcing him into my throat, and he groaned. "Baby, I'll come. You haveta stop." He wasn't telling me to stop. Not really, so I didn't. I tugged the tender skin beneath his balls and swept my hand up as I rose up to the head, sucking firmly and then pressing deep, repeating the caress once, twice and then squeezing, he shuddered and shouted my name, "Fuck, Ty!"

He sounded almost angry, but he came, the rushing heat soaking my mouth and throat several times, dripping from my chin despite all that I swallowed. The scent rushed into my nostrils and my cock ached, if he touched me I would come. He shook in my hands, and the sound of his member popping out of my mouth seemed loud in the room. Our breathing echoed each other and he sank down to his knees, wrapping his arm around waist he hugged me, rubbing his face on my stomach. He shuddered under my hand and I reached up and wiped my hand over my mouth, my lips were wet with his cum and I smiled, swollen and pink too, I would imagine. I stroked the back of his neck, and he shook, and I thought is he angry or upset. "Jase?"

"Yeah baby," His voice was rough.

"Did I do something wrong?" I hated my insecurity, but there it was. He wasn't talking to me. He shook in my lap and looked up at me, his eyes dark and serious.

"No...god. I just felt suddenly like I took advantage of you. I didn't mean to let you finish that, I just...the feel of your mouth around my cock made me go a little nuts, I just...had to fuck you." He growled, "I am not blind. I know that you haven't done much of this before, although I would bet you have sucked cock before, " His eyes seemed to widen, and he shook his head, "But I don't want you to think I ever expect any-"

"I needed your cock in my mouth." I said firmly. "Needed it. I had to taste you, I have fantasized about stripping your gym shorts down and letting you fuck my face about a hundred times," and I took his hand and placed it over my raging cock, painfully pinned underneath my jeans. "You didn't take anything from me, you gave. You erased a painful hurtful memory and I---" Okay, I was on a roll there for a minute but he surged up and lifted my hips jerking my pants open he was like on a mission. I squeaked. He laughed.

"Tell me about that," he said calmly as he cupped his hands over my ass beneath my jeans and swept them down, my shoes were already gone and very quickly my pants and underwear disappeared off the side of the bed. "The memory."

I blinked. "It isn't important." I said quietly.

He smiled down at me, and did that thing again; putting his arms beneath mine he swept me back on the bed and lay on his side beside me. The cooler fabric further up on the bed made me suck in my breath, and he brushed his palm over my hardened nipples. There was a strange jolt that seemed to travel like a slow moving electric shock down to my throbbing dick. He did it again, and then leaned over me, the heat of his muscled thigh, the springy hair that covered him, stroked over my leg and he spread my legs with his knee. "It is important," and there he was, cupping my face, leaning half on my and I felt instantly, the hardness of his cock on my belly, wow. He was fast. "Because in here," He brushed his mouth over my forehead, "Are things that are going to make you freak out, and I need to know what they are so when that happens I can fight them. Because I don't want anything between us when I fuck you." He whispered and took my mouth in that carnal kiss that said I was his, where he penetrates me deep with his tongue and rocks his mouth against me. Tasting himself he shuddered and grew fierce, rocking himself against me he shifted, lifting and then settling between my legs. I twisted underneath him, his weight pressing the breath from me for a moment I gasped into his mouth and he sucked away my air. Then he rose on his elbows, the weight of him easing but the pressure of his cock against mine full and hard.

"Oh god." I groaned and gripped his shoulders, my fingers white with my grip, I shivered and the movement nearly made me cum.

"Don't cum Ty." He said softly, and damn him, he pulled back. "Tell me about the memory."

I felt anxious and stared up at him. He didn't want to hear this stuff. "I-its in the past." I stammered.

"No it isn't. It will be, but right now, it isn't. Tell me." He insisted in that dark tone he reserved for me.

"I...last year, there was a guy. I thought... I believed him. He gave me a story about being scared of being gay and not able to tell anyone. But if I loved him, I could be patient, and then he starts to push, you know, wants me to blow him. But I realized, he never touched-" I stopped, the Jase was shaking, furious, "See, you don't want to hear this."

"How many times?" He asked and the words seem torn from him and I wonder if he thinks I am dirty somehow.

"Don't!" I suddenly panic and push against him, "Once, god let me up." I shout. But Jase didn't move, he twisted, pulling me onto my side into his arms. "Once, because the second time there was this smile on his face and it hit me, and god, Jase. I am sorry..." I freaked out again. And he was right of course. It wasn't gone. I felt sick with shame. My stomach cramped.

"Baby, you don't need to be sorry. Nothing could change what I think of you. I hate the son of a bitch for making you feel bad about you.." He said softly, his hot palm was stroking down my back, over my bottom to the top of my thigh and back, the caress firm and stroking. Sexual? Definitely but it was reassuring too. He kept on petting me, stroking his hand up and down my back, slow over my ass, and back up, soon he was pulling my leg over his waist and I kissed his throat, his jaw, and he scooted down, opening his mouth over mine, no tongue just damp mouths playing gently with each other.

His fingers dipped low, pulling on the soft curve of my ass and brushing very close to my clutching hole. I jerked. Again. And my cock pressed hard against his stomach, he smiled against my mouth, "The reason I am pushing so hard," he teased, rocking his hips forward and I felt the fully hard thrust of him beneath my balls, stroking me and I cried out, into his mouth and he growled taking the sound and clutched me. The sounds I make turn him on unbelievably fast. He broke the kiss, "The reason for the test, the reason for my questions, the reason I need you to let go with me, is so there is NOTHING, do you understand, nothing between us when I fuck you." And his fingers stroked the soft opening, sliding around it, pressing but not entering me, and he pressed firmly enough, his cock stroking my balls and mine sliding against his damp stomach. Oh my god, the sensation slammed into me and I came, just like that, clutching my arms around his neck. He kept petting me, saying my name, whispering to me, "Yeah, baby, that's it. You want me to fuck you like that don't you?" He reaches down and touches my pulsing cock very lightly, stroking moisture around on his belly and mine. Smiling.

I don't want it to end. "Kiss me." I beg. Oh god, I need his mouth and I feel his smile against my lips and I open for him, teasing him with my tongue and just tasting him, and the heat that is his mouth. He kisses me deep, wrapping himself around me, and we are slick and wet, in the heat of the room. The warmth and the orgasm relax me, and Jase never stops caressing me. I feel alive and exhausted all at once. The desire to sleep held in his arms, is like the weariness of a long journey and the suddenness of coming home.

"Go ahead. Nap, we can eat in awhile. Just rest." He says in that tone. He reads my mind.