Date: Wed, 11 Jan 2012 14:48:57 -0500 From: Derrick Chase Subject: A Pessimist's Guide to Optimism-2 Disclaimer: This story is a work of fiction. Any resemblances to real life events or people are purely coincidental. This story is about love and lust and loss, the three most entertaining things in the world! When deemed necessary, there will be sex. If you are offended by sex, why are you on this website? Get out now. If you are underage and reading this... Well, there's worse stuff you could be doing illegally; you should still hit escape though!!! Rebellious delinquents... Chapter 2 JAMES Sometimes I wonder why I do it. Why throw a goddamn party that lasts one night, but then takes a whole weekend to clean up? I looked over at Clara George, passed out next to me; her left tit had slipped out of her bra. Oh yeah, that's why. My name is James Griffin and I'm kind of a big deal. Well, not really. People make me out to be a bigger deal than I really am. In reality I'm a total nerd, but because I know how to throw crazy parties, everyone thinks I'm cool and popular and all that other shit. The only reason I can throw such insane parties is because I have parents that think they're timeshares all around the world are more important that, you know, a living, breathing son. Anyways, enough musing, I have an entire house to clean; what fun. My room was a wreck, and as I got out of bed, I mentally prepared myself for the state of the rest the house. I couldn't even open the door of my room without knocking over the beer cans people had left on the floor. I walked past the bathroom and nearly vomited at the smell of all the puke. I guess brushing my teeth would have to wait until later. It was eight-o-clock when I 'got up.' I hadn't really slept. I got a nice blow job from Clara before closing my eyes for a few minutes. I wouldn't call three hours of eye closing 'sleep.' Everyone had mostly left at 4:30 and the drunks who stayed past then just slept over. I made my way to the virtually demolished living room. Bobby Carrie was passed out on my couch, Sarah White and Stephanie Mercy were curled up on the floor, and although I saw my best friend Ryan's car, I didn't see any sign of him. I went over to my sound system and cranked "I'm Sexy and I Know It" to max volume. I let it play for about a minute and then shouted, "Unless you plan on helping me clean this shithole up--" "NO SHOES NO SHIRT AND I STILL GET SERVICE WAH" "-- It's time to get your hungover asses into your cars--" "GIRL LOOK AT THAT BODY... I-I-I WORK OUT" "-- and get the fuck home." "I'M SEXY AND I KNOW IT" The music continued to play as people sluggishly made their way to the exit. Some thanked me for the party, some were still to drunk to say a word, and others shot me dirty looks as they plugged their ears. Clara gave me a wet kiss before getting in her car. I still hadn't seen Ryan, though. I turned the music off. "Ry, are you hear?" Nothing... Maybe he got a girl to take him home. Doubtful, but maybe he finally grew a pair. I smiled at the thought. It's not that I don't think Ryan has it in him to be good with the ladies, he's just not motivated, I guess. I mean he's a good looking guy. He's actually pretty hot. I mean, no homo. I've told him a few times that I think he looks better than me. He thinks I'm kidding, but I'm really not. I thinks its his hair. He's got the softest blonde hair... Oh! and his eyes of course. Mine are just boring brown, but I don't even know what shade of blue his are. Anyways, he'll have to turn up at some point; his car is still here. The process of cleaning a house after a house-party is unpleasant to say the least. Actually, it's really fucking shitty, I fucking hate cleaning. I actually don't know what I hate more: cleaning or seeing things dirty. I'm not sure if that's some kind of mental disability-- like fear of a mess phobia or something-- but cleaning up after a party is hell for a person like me. Every time I finally get a small corner of my house clean, I turn around and the living room is staring at me like, "I'm dirty as fuck and I'm gonna eat you NOM NOM NOM.” Like I said, disability... I started with the kitchen because it was the dirtiest. People tend to flock to where there's food. It's very animalistic if you ask me. Like hippos and elephants indolently making their way down to the river... Where they are ripped to shreds by lions and tigers and bears, oh-fucking-my. My fridge was cleared out as well as the freezer. Some asshole stole the LeanCuisines from my freezer, really? This is my last party, people are retarded. The kitchen took me a good hour and a half. I moved to the living room next. I washed the coffee table, vacuumed the carpet, grew a vagina and made a sandwich. That's the other thing about cleaning, it's extremely de-masculinizing. I feel like my mom when I vacuum and sweep. Thank God people don't have the sensibility to use plates; I am not going to do the dishes... Ever. I was just about to move down to the basement when I heard a car door slam. For a millisecond I thought it was my parents, but then my sanity came back to me. As if they would leave Bermuda to come back for their only son. When I peered out the window, what I saw made me want to double check my sobriety level. Had someone slipped something in my Coke? Was I even awake. Am I being Incepted right now? What I am seeing cannot be happening. Derrick Chase just drove Ryan to my house. Derrick Chase, captain and quarterback of the football team, just drove Ryan Tarcy, my wallflower dork of a best friend, to my house. I mean Derrick's a nice guy, we're pretty good friends-- but Ryan doesn't seem... he and Derrick would... Does Derrick even know Ryan? He's never talked about him? Or has he? Ryan definitely hasn't mentioned Derrick. Are they friends? Shit, Ryan looks hungover. Derrick sure looks happy. How the hell-- "Knock, knock,” I heard Ryan opening the front door. "I hate it when people do that. Either knock or don't knock, there's no reason to say the sound that knocking makes." "Quit nagging so much, your giving me a headache.” I waited for Ryan to find me in the kitchen; the sparkling clean kitchen, I might add "OH AM I GIVING YOU A HEADACHE???" I said obnoxiously. "Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," Ryan mumbled, "Do you have Advil?" "I keep the medicine cabinet locked so people don't steal my Advil and Tums and Tylenol," I said sarcastically, and went off to get Ry an Advil. He was lounging in the freshly cleaned living room, rubbing his temples. I could spot beer cans leading down to the guest room, but I tried to ignore them and focus on the spotless room I had just cleaned. "Here's your pill Nancy Drew, we wouldn't want you to get pregnant on us." "You're so dumb." Ryan said, he sounded too tired to speak, but he was smiling. "We wouldn't want you to give birth to Derrick Chase's love child or anything..." Ryan sat up straighter, and he didn't sound as tired. "What are you saying?" "I mean, you both seem pretty happy this morning. Derrick sure was very smily. A few sips of vodka and even a tough football jock like him may be inclined to--" I took my pointer fingers and smushed them together. "Fuck you. He was just being nice. He saved me from being frozen alive." "Frozen alive? Are you high? What are you talking about--?" "I got lost last night in your neighborhood for hours! Didn't you check your phone I called you a dozen times?" "I've been cleaning but I--" "Well I was lost in a fucking blizzard. I thought I was gonna go hypothermic, but Derrick saw me and picked me up." Ryan explained. "Oh," I said open-endedly, "So where'd you guys go when he picked you up." "To his house..." Ryan was blushing now. His white cheeks looked so red. "What did you do at his house, Ryan?" I asked innocently. "We slept, dumbass, we slept." he snarled, but his cheeks were still red. "In the same bed?" Oh my God! They did sleep in the same bed. I can tell. Ryan's face gives stuff away too easily. He's the absolute worst liar. I'm not sure if it's because I know him so well, or if he really is just a shit liar. "No-- we slept-- his couch. I slept on his couch." "Whatever," I smirked, "So am I being replaced? Do you have a new best friend?" "I wish I could replace you," Ryan smiled. "You're words cut deeper than daggers," I said melodramatically. "He gave me his number," Ryan said to no one in particular. "Wow. Aren't you just the most popular kid in town this morning." Ryan just smiled. "I hear Derrick has two phones. One for all the girls he hooks up with, and one that he actually uses... I wonder what number he gave to you." I said, trying to get him riled up. "Haters gonna hate." was all he said, still smiling. "Yeah, I'm totally hating on your super special relationship with Derrick." he didn't say anything, "Well now that you're here and your all medicated up, you have to help me clean." "Ughhhh, but Jamie I'm tired and sleepy and I probably won't be that much help anyways." "Yeah, I'm sure you and Derrick didn't sleep a bit," I said, doing the finger thing again. That finally got a reaction out of him. He hit me with a pillow over the head. "Careful! I just cleaned in here!" He threw the pillow back on the couch. "We didn't sleep together." "I know, dude, I know," I smiled quirkily at him, "but c'mon, Derrick Chase? Do you even know him?" "Of course! Everyone knows him!" "Mhmm, but how many people have slept at his house?" I said, but before he could respond, I continued, "Alright you take the downstairs, I'll take upstairs. Do you want music?" "Fine, put on something good though," he said before wandering towards the basement, grabbing a handful of trash bags before he descended the steps. I put on Florence + The Machine, since I knew it was his favorite. Ryan is a little quirky, but that's why we're friends. I'm too grounded and realistic. It only makes sense to have Ryan as my best friend. We're perfect opposites; we complete each other. Well, we don't have opposite tastes in music. I love Florence. Ryan could never know though. He thinks he's some cool Indie kid and I'm the mainstream loser. I hummed to the tune of "Shake It Out." "And it's hard to dance with the devil on your back..." There was a time, back in grade school, where I thought Ryan might be a little, well, gay. I'm not saying I have a problem with all that. It was just a thought that I had about him. I don't know. I didn't think he was. But maybe. I figured if he was, he would have told me. I mean, I'm his best friend, right? If he was I would be the first to know. If he was, he could at least try and come on to me, right? I'm pretty attractive? No, I don't think Ryan's gay. He just is shy around girls. He gets nervous around them. The same way he gets nervous when any football player gets within spitting distance of him. No, no, he's not gay. I know it. But what if... The least he could do is roufie me or something! I'm hot! I'm not saying I want him to put his dick up my ass, but I'd be insulted if he was gay and didn't think I was attractive! I'm attractive! Right? I looked up from the toilet I was scrubbing, and stared at my reflection in the mirror. I was tan. My face was, anyways. My face didn't have any acne. I touched my cheek. Smooth as a baby's ass. Or Ryan's ass. Ew! No. Baby's ass. Baby's ass. My hair was messy, but I hadn't taken a shower yet. But even when I did take a shower, was my hair really that neat? Not like Ryan's hair. Ryan's hair was perfect. Fuck off, brain! Stop thinking! My eyes are brown. Just brown. Like dirt. Dirt is brown. Poop is brown. Did my eyes look like poop? No... I don't think so. I hate cleaning, it makes me insane. When I had scrubbed the bathroom spotless, I went on to the bedrooms. I kept my parents' room locked, but the guest room, my room, and my sister's old room were open to all, free of charge. The rooms were disgusting. If the kitchen was the dirtiest room, the bedrooms were the nastiest. Beer cans and bottles littered the floors, the room reeked of sweat and sex, and making the bed was always a fun time; I found five used condoms in my sister's bed along with a tampon, also used. People were filthy. Where did everyone's class go? Obama did this to us. Put a black man in the oval office, and people suddenly think they can do whatever the fuck they want. All of a sudden having sex and leaving your sperm to get cleaned up by another person is okay. It's not even remotely okay. There is nothing in the 'bro code' that requires me to have to clean up some douchebag's spunk. Also, just to be clear, I wore gloves when I picked up the tampon... and sanitized my hands five times... and burned the gloves. I was not gonna get AIDS cleaning up some nasty slut's tampon. That would be a real fitting way to die. Killed by a dirty bitch's period blood. I wondered if Ryan is having as much fun as me? "Ryyyyyyyy," I shouted at the top of my lungs. "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat." I heard him from the basement. A few pounding footsteps later, and he was standing in the doorway "What's up-- HOLY SHIT! Is that a used tampon!?" "Wha--oh, yeah. I found that awhile ago. Are you ready for a break?" "Yeah, I'm basically done downstairs. Not much else to do." "I'll be the judge... You're a lazy cleaner," I said, my neat-freak issues taking over. "Do you wanna get Jimmy Johns?" Ryan asked. Ry loved Jimmy Johns. Loved. I, personally, thought their sandwiches were a little plain, but Ryan loved them because of their "simplicity." His words, not mine. I just think they're boring. "Yeah, yeah. You have to drive." The JJs was right up the street from my house, and I was happy to abandon my messy abode. It really wasn't thaat messy anymore. Just my room, the guest room, and then Ryan's half-assed attempt at the basement. We decided to eat our sandwiches at the JJs, and the tables were really small. Ryan's legs were interlocking with mine the whole time. "So, you never told me about Molly? Did you guys do anything?" I asked. The whole reason I set that date up was because Molly would put out for just about anyone. "We danced a little," he smiled between a mouthful of sandwich. "You. Danced. Really? That's all. Did you feel her tits? Finger her a little bit? Anything??" "Her teeth were yellow. She really wasn't that hot." Ryan said as if it were yesterday's news. "She wasn't supposed to be hot, dude! She was supposed to be so slutty, Kim Ju Son could have a chance at getting to third base!" "Kim Ju--?" "The Asian foreign exchange kid. That's not the point! What did you do at the after-party?" "I went for a walk, remember? We had this conversation already." "Well-- why-- but why didn't you take Molly with you on your walk?" I asked, I was totally confused. "I wanted to get away from her! I wasn't about to take her with me!" Ryan was a little red. Was he gay? Shut up, brain. "That's the last time I hook you up with a girl. Ever. She was so perfectly slutty, Ry!" "Her teeth reminded me of the donkey in Shrek," he complained. I had to laugh, "I love you bro, but you gotta lose your v-card at some point junior year. You can't go into senior year not knowing what you're doing." "Whatever, are we going back to your house?" "I guess we have to get back at some-- hold up." I just realized what Ryan was wearing; how did it take me this long to notice. I mean, wow, did he steal it? Why is he wearing it in public? Does he know what people may think? "Is that Derrick's shirt you're wearing?" It wasn't really a question. He was wearing a grey, slightly bagging T-shirt. All the Varsity Football players wore them last year. Derrick had been on Varsity since he was a freshmen, and sure enough, in the upper right corner of the shirt was "DERRICK CHASE-- QUARTERBACK." Ryan was blushing so hard. "No-- I mean yeah... It is." he tried to lie, "My clothes were soaked! He said his mom would get my stuff washed and dried! He basically forced me to put the shirt on!" "It was just a question no reason to get so flustered," I said slyly, he was so red and embarrassed. "We didn't do anything!!" he almost shouted. But did he want to do something, that was the real question. Maybe I was taking the 'him and Derrick' thing to far. It seemed to really piss him off. It did kind of nag me, in the back of my head, that Ryan had never worn one of my shirts. I wondered to myself if Ryan was wearing Derrick's boxers or not. "I'm just teasing, I know, I know. Let's head home. I wanna get done cleaning so I can kick your ass in NHL 12." Ryan relaxed. "As if you have a chance. What was the score last weekend?" "That was only because my allergies were acting up! I wasn't feeling well! You're an ass." he was smirking as we walked to his car. The rest of the day Ryan and I cleaned together. It took us longer, but it was funnier. I threw a condom at Ry and, after sanitizing his hands, he proceeded to dump the whole bottle of sanitizer on my head. It made my hair really greasy; I remembered that I still hadn't taken a shower. "Dude, I think were done." It was seven-o-clock, and since it was winter, already dark outside. "About time!" Ryan whined, "If it was up to me, we would have been done hours ago!" "Well, it wasn't up to you, now, was it?" I said playfully, "I have to go take a shower, I reek. Are you staying the night?" "Yeah, I figure that's best. I really don't feel like going home. Leave some hot water for me, I haven't showered either." he added. I really don't know what made me say it, but I blurted, "Do you wanna' just come shower with me?" Ry looked up, he had this confused look on his face. "Uhhh-- I think I'll pass. Maybe-- I don't know, another time." he looked like he was still trying to process my question. "Oh, yeah-- no, I mean. It's good." I said awkwardly, and walked off to the Windex-smelling bathroom. I turned the water all the way to hot, and let the bathroom steam up, before stepping under the warm water. I don't know what's up with me today? I mean, why the hell did I ask Ry that? I'm going insane. I need to call Clara or something. I don't think of Ryan like... that. I'm not into, like, naked dudes. But the thought of Ryan sweaty and naked flashed in my mind, and I couldn't stop myself from getting hard. Soap was running down my body, and after shampooing my head, I could not resist letting my hands wander down my chest, towards my throbbing crotch. My hands were still soapy when I gave my stiff cock a few tugs. Was this normal? Forget Ryan! Am I the one who's gay? TBC Hi. Okay, I didn't expect that many emails within that short of a time period. I'm not complaining though! But wow, pressures on. Not sure how much everyone will like this one; no Derrick :( I really wanted to establish James as a prominent character. Next chapter will be longer, and we'll get back with Derrick I promise. I have most of chapter 3 written so I'll shoot for Friday or Saturday. As long as people are reading, I'll keep submitting. Questions, comments, suggestions, poems of endearment, sonnets of lamentation, all that goes to pessimistsandoptimists@gmail.com. Thanks for reading! Oh! Also, I think I have to mention that the song "I'm Sexy and I Know It" is by LMFAO, which you should know if you don't live under a rock. The song "Shake It Out" is by my ex-lover Florence Welch, from Florence + The Machine. Go download all of her of music if you're cool... Or don't, that's okay.