Date: Mon, 21 Feb 2000 14:40:06 -0800 (PST)
From: Chuck
Subject: Adrien and Me (chapter 3)

				All I Want

As I sat there trying to concentrate on this fantasy novel I picked out
called, "GemBox", I just couldn't help the way my eyes gazed at Eric's nice
butt frame on his shorts while he laid on his stomach playing a racing game
with Adrien. His buns were just so round and tight like you just want to
bite and play with them. And yeah, Adrien's ass is nice too, but it's more
of a so-so kind or maybe his is not my type.

It's been two months now since I came to this quiet old town and became
Eric's friend. My only friend...and yeah maybe Adrien too but for some
weird reason, we were like Oreo cookies. Eric was the filling that made us
stick together. Without him or when he's gone, Adrien and I just go
separate ways. Not that it's my fault. Sure I'll hang out with him but I
don't know...it's like he has this grudge against me or something.

"Are you sure you don't want to play Matt?" Eric asked me while dragging
himself closer to Adrien until their arms touched each other. Weird, I just
felt jealous all of a sudden just seeing them both so close to each
other. Makes me think that they're...no, they can't be.  Gotta stop
thinking that way! Eric is NOT going out with Adrien! Bullshit! Why would
he anyways? I know he gives more care and love than any guy can, but that's
not a reason to think of him that way.

I said no to him. I admit, I like...no LOVE Eric. I'd do anything for
him. The moment I saw him carrying Annie in that mall, I fell in love. Now
I'm starting to believe in love at first sight. Maybe it's the way he
talks, or acts, or the way he looks, or maybe all of the above...I don't
know. All I know is that I can't stop loving this guy who's been my first
good friend in this new school.

I sighed. I just want him so bad. To hug him, kiss him; make love with him
on my bed. That would be so romantic? And like, we'd go to the movies and
sit in the back and instead of watching the movie, we'd look at each
other's eyes sparkling from the movie, then we'd get closer and closer to
each other until his strawberry lips touched mine, giving me weird, but
loving and incredible sensations. Bah! Stupid imagination!  Only ends up in
my mind, never in real life.

Few hours later, I still couldn't get my mind on the stuff I was reading.
All I could think about was Eric. The way he giggled when he won a race,
the way he screamed when his car slammed into a post. Sigh, he sounds so
heavenly to me. It's like he hasn't hit puberty yet.  Agghh! I gotta stop
thinking of him! But then again, what's so wrong with that? It's only
teenage lust.

"*YAWN*! Eric I'm pretty sleepy, I wanna go home," Adrien insisted yawning
intensely.

Eric whispered, "Alright, I'll just tell Matt then we could go alright?"

Eric rose up and called out my name. I put the book down and replied,
"Yeah?"

"We need to go, Adrien's getting tired."

"Okay, are you going too?" I asked miserably.

"Yeah, I have to.  Umm....I'm kind of tired too.  It's already ten pm and
we stayed up all night yesterday," he explained. I guess I can't make him
stay for a while.  Adrien was already putting his shoes on and checking the
mirror to fix his hair while Eric kneeled down and tidied up the
playstation controller and the console. I helped him tidy up my place.

"Sorry about messing up your bedroom. I'll clean it up before we lea..."

This might be the boldest move I ever did but I didn't care. In fact, it
felt like a really big step for telling him physically that I love him. I
held his hand just when it accidentally touched mine while taking one of
the controllers.  It had a smooth texture, soft, and it was a bit warm. But
I couldn't really concentrate on that. I actually held his hand and he
didn't pull away. I didn't know what I was doing by then. I was smiling
like hell and I felt deep blushes forming in my face. I felt like I was in
bliss just touching his adorable hand. He didn't move. Resting his butt on
the floor now while still kneeling, he never let his hand go.  In unison,
we looked at each other's eyes slowly. He was so beautiful. His silky
blonde hair hung down to his eyebrows slightly covering his forehead and
his blue eyes had little fireworks in them. Slowly, a dab of rose pink
formed in his cheeks.

"Oh man! Look at this I have a big zit on my forehead!"

Our hands quickly retracted. I was scared like shit and no way I'm doing
that again. But I liked it...and I think he liked it too. Oh my god, I
think he did. No fucking way!! My heart pace quickened and my brain
screamed to do it again. Eric quickly rose up and hurriedly put his shoes
on.  Eric said quickly, "Adrien, I'm really sleepy! L-let's go."

Why is he reacting this way? I was somewhat...hurt. I don't know. Was it
me? Did I do something wrong? I acted like nothing happened at all. "See ya
guys! My mom will lock the door so don't worry about that!"

"Thanks Bud!" Adrien said while Eric, like a shadow, followed Adrien. After
I heard the front door shutting, I immediately closed my bedroom and
cleaned my place as quick as I could. What am I doing?!  Why am I ruining
this great relationship I'm having with Eric?! FUCK! I...I just want to be
normal. I want to like girls, not boys. I want to be a football player, not
a bookworm. I want to go out and have some fun rather than locking myself
inside my bedroom.  I want to go out with someone that I know that likes
me...I want to be normal.

All night I cried. Reasons?  So many. One reason is being me. A
faggot. Another is not having Eric. Mainly that I suppose. Another is being
so lonely all through my life. I don't want to go and on it'll just make
things even worse. I'll get hurt even more and I can't take being hurt
anymore. God, if only Eric could lie in my arms and say I love you. That'll
surely take away all my sorrows and cares in the world. Him...saying I love
you to me, god I'm so delirious!

The next day I went to school, I acted the way I usually do everyday.
Walking through the hallways, I kept my eyes on the ground afraid that
someone might look at me in disgust. I'm not ready for that. I heard some
girls giggle, heard some guys talking about jumping someone, heard someone
talk about their night with their girlfriend.

I cruised through the rest of the periods alone and isolated as always. I
stayed in the library since I couldn't see Eric or Adrien anywhere in the
cafeteria or in the whole school.  It was really weird coming back to the
library. Since Eric and Adrien showed some of the best things the world can
offer to me, I finally realized that library wasn't one of them.

I sat there thinking of Eric while my head slumped down on the novel I was
reading. Thinking how he might say I love you back, whether on his knees,
or maybe at my window serenading a song about how he feels towards me, or
maybe...maybe after a sweet kiss he'll plant on my lips. I closed my eyes
and imagined it...imagining just him...and me...in my bed.

While lying down on my bed, he approached me from my feet crawling on all
fours getting closer to my head. Softly and sweetly, he whispered to my
ear, "I love you Matt." I felt his nakedbody resting on mine when he
grabbed my head slowly with both of his hands. He planted a kiss on my
forehead, then my nose...then my lips. His soft lips brushed my lips
tenderly as he slowly entered his luscious tongue into me. He tasted so
sweet like honey...but even sweeter.  He made high pitch groans as my hands
explored every inch of his skin until I worked into his ass cheeks. I
squeezed each bun softly then I started massaging them harder and harder.
My fingertips rubbed his pink pucker and shortly after, my middle finger
slowly thrust its way in and out easily without any lubrication. He moaned
wildly and started humping my finger faster and faster. As my tongue now
explored his mouth, I tasted the sweetness of his juices and felt his
extreme warmth. He frowned and gasped as another finger went inside him.
His breathing became harder and I could see his uncut penis became harder
and harder. My left hand wrapped around his hard member. It was so hot as I
pumped him nice and slow. My cock couldn't take the eroticness. My fingers
inside him were replaced with my hard aching cock. It felt sooo good to be
inside him. It was so tight and hot that my cock throbbed madly and weird
feelings ran from my cock to my head. Slowly, I pushed it in deeper and
deeper until I felt his ass touching my pubic hairs. We didn't move for a
second while Eric gasped for air.  Slowly, he started pulling his ass up,
then down again, then up rubbing my aching cock with his warm sphincter
muscle. I couldn't move at all from all this incredible feeling. He grabbed
his dick and started pumping it hard and fast while his ass went up and
down my throbbing dick harder and aggressively now. I could feel it
starting to rise.

"Fuck!!! unnhhhhaaaAAHH!!!!" Cum spurted out of my dick into his tight hole
lubricating my dick inside him. He gasped and his dick spurted a thick rope
of cum into my face and another landing onto my chest and the others
trickled down on his hands as he pumped incredibly fast before stopping and
falling on top of me. My dick was getting soft while still inside him and
as soon as it became normal, there was a quiet plop sounded when my dick
emerged from his ass.  Both of us were panting like crazy. My fingers
brushed the strands of hair away from his forehead before whispering to
him, "Eric...I....love...y..."

"RIINGGGG!!!!"

My eyes quickly opened and I raised my head up. DAMMIT!! It was only a
dream! But WHAT a DREAM?! It felt so real that my cock was as hard as steel
inside my briefs! Sigh...his ass humping my hard throbbing cock...oh MAN!!!
I was soo into it that I soaked the book I was reading with my drool!

All day long, the only thing that was in my head was that erotic dream I
had in the library.  My mind kept on flying in fantasy land to think of the
dream again. It was so damn erotic that my private member down there
couldn't get soft until I got home.... and.saw Eric! It was weird; he was
sitting down on my bed Indian-style, his head resting on his hands.

How the hell did he get here inside my bedroom?! I'm sure no one was at
home. But then again, did I give a fuck?! He's here...in my bedroom and
we're alone. I closed the door loudly so he could hear me coming inside my
room. He looked up to look at me. He had the same scared nervous look in
his eyes that he had last night, and I could see that his hands were
shaking furiously. I smiled, "Hi Eric! Didn't see you at school. And how'd
you get in here? Was someone here a min..."

"M-Matt...I-I want to know something." he said interrupting me.

"Alright what is it?" I asked sitting down on the bed. He quickly backed
off and pulled himself away until his back rested on the headboard.

"Don't get close to me!" He abruptly said, but almost more like a scream.

I was a bit hurt from what he just did but I acted calm and cool. I gave
him a weird look and I said, "Oohhhkay! Dude I don't have any
watchamacall'em.....cooties!"

"Seriously, what's wrong?" I asked like I didn't even know what it was. I
dragged myself closer to him but he backed away again. I knew it, it was
something that's gotta do with what I did last night. I felt my insides
being torn apart as I tried to mask my inner self through this.  I
whispered, "Alright. If that's how you want to go along with it. What do
you want to ask me about?"

"Last night...what...I...you did. Tell me that what I'm thinking isn't
true," he begged. Beads of tears rushed down quickly from his beautiful
eyes over his pale, cream-colored cheeks and down to his neck. The first
time I had ever seen him cry and it was my fault...my fault! I couldn't
look at him. I was so ashamed of myself. I hurt the first person that I
ever truly loved in my whole life. My heart was completely torn apart just
seeing him cry.

I whispered hiding my eyes away, "What are you thinking anyway?"

"T-that...that you like me."

"I-I don't...like you," I said. He gave out a deep sigh and brushed his
tears away. A smile quickly grew in his face but I was so scared what I was
about to say. He said in a million words per minute, "Whew! You had me
there for a minute 'cuz of last night when you kinda like held my hand and
you had that smile on your face, I was like shocked 'cuz I never knew
someone else liked me and like, then I couldn't move or talk or pull my
hand away 'cuz I was so nervous...but it was cool and...a...weird..."

I interrupted him, "Eric, I...I love you."

His eyes widened and he took a deep breath. He whispered, "Oh god..."

The look on his face undoubtedly answered my question. He doesn't love
me. So many times in my mind I've imagined him not loving me...and all of
those times, I always ended up on the verge of tears and sorrow. Since now
I found out the truth, I couldn't bear this new pain inside me.  It wasn't
what I had expected. It was like someone just stabbed me in the heart with
a jagged dagger and twisted it inside me very slowly like they didn't care
how I felt. I was too much down in sorrow that I couldn't cry or feel
anything.

"I-I g-gotta...go..." he whispered hopping off the bed on the opposite side
trying to dodge me.  He quickly opened the door and turned around to look
at me. He wiped his tears away from his eyes. "I-I'm so sorry Matt...but
I...don't...love you. P-Please...please forgive me."  Before I could stand
up to tell him why I love him, why I feel this way, he ran quickly down the
stairs.  He quickly put his shoes on without tying them and left me alone
in my house.  Alone...again. His words, "I don't love you" kept ringing in
my head.  Playing back and forth, torturing me in an endless agony. My eyes
became glassy, and soon my vision became blurred from the tears forming. I
walked slowly back to my bedroom. Like two rivers, my tears gushed down to
my chin and I felt a few drops falling down on my feet as I walked towards
my bed.

There was nothing that could ever lift my soul now that I knew that Eric
doesn't at least like me. I burst out weeping and screaming holding every
urge to kill myself just to take away this pain. I laid down on my bed and
covered my head with pillows so no one could hear me scream and shout. I
slammed my fist on the bed and kicked it, shaking it furiously. I threw my
pillow across the room and it hit the glass globe standing on the top of my
TV. The globe fell to the floor, breaking into tiny sharp bit and pieces.
I threw another pillow randomly and it hit my portrait on the wall. I threw
another, and another, and another until I ran out of pillows to throw.

FUCK!!!  Tears still gushed down from my eyes. I became angry at this
point. Angry at everyone, for making my life miserable, angry at Eric for
not being gay, and especially angry at me for not keeping my feelings to
myself.  I hate me, I hate me, I HATE ME!!!! Why did I have to fall in love
with that fuckin' Eric?! I hate him!!! I hate him!!!
I...hate...I...l-l-love him...  FUCK!!!

Why isn't that love thing going away?! I already know he doesn't love, or
even like me.  I know now that I have no chance whatsoever with him. Isn't
that supposed to take this feeling away...out of my life so I can start a
new love again? I guess not. I guess it's just made everything worse,
really worse.

I stopped crying hours after. I just sat at my windowsill and stared at the
dim crescent moon filled and the stars all around it.  Although the site
really looked so lonely, it mysteriously calmed me down a bit. For the
whole night, I just gazed at the moon until finally, my eyes slowly closed
and I drifted off to sleep.

"You need some help there Annie?"

"No thank you! I jist havta tie this lace 'n I'm done!" she said while
pulling both laces off her right shoe up in the air. Mom came out of the
kitchen ready to go to work in her neatly ironed business suit and gave us
our lunches. She kissed me on the head and hugged Annie.

"You two be good! I'll be back really late since I have tons of papers to
do!  Don't forget to pick up Annie in the daycare before coming home!"

"I won't ma."

She brushed my hair barely messing it up before she opened the front
door. We heard the car's engine go on as she waved at us before leaving the
driveway. After she finished tying her shoe, I walked with Annie to her
school then I headed to my school, which was on the opposite direction. I
didn't feel sorry for myself like last night, until I saw Eric walking with
Adrien just half a block away behind me. All the dreadful feelings came
back to me and my knees went limp for a second. All of a sudden, my
thoughts became different, like I needed to blame all this pain inside me
at someone else. I wanted someone to pay for making me feel this way.

I was a completely different person that day. A few people who were
actually close enough to be
 considered my friends said hi to me, but I told them all to just fuck
off. I pushed the other freshmen out of my way as I walked through the
hallways. In my fourth period class, I smacked this jock on his face,
leaving a red mark on his cheek. He had made the beginning of my high
school year a living hell, and I hated him. The teacher screamed at me
because of punching the guy in the face, but I just swore back at her. I
hated her too. Everyone in class thought I'd gone mad, but I didn't care. I
hated all of them.

I ended up in the office in the last period sitting with the vice principal
until the final bell rang. I slowly went to my locker, still consumed with
rage and anger inside me. As I rummaged through my locker for stuff that I
needed, someone tapped me on the back lightly.  Angrily, I turned around to
see who it was. "WHAT?!!"

It was Eric. My frowned face quickly remodeled itself into my old face
expression. He was carrying his bag on one shoulder and his uniform was
unbuttoned from the top to midway of his body exposing a simple white shirt
inside. He was looking at the ground and he looked like he was about to
burst into tears. His angelic face took hold of the good side of me. Slowly
and calmly I took a deep breath then asked him kindly, "Yeah, what is it?"

"I just came here to say...that I'm sorry about last night," he
apologized. Somehow, I knew he really meant what he had said and inside me
I wanted to forgive him, but the evil side took hold of me again. "Tell
someone who gives a damn about what you think!"

I slammed the locker, took my backpack off the ground and pushed him out of
the way to leave.  He tried to follow me but I couldn't take it anymore. I
turned around and told him to fuck off and to get out of my life. It drove
him to tears and he ran in the opposite direction covering his eyes with
his right hand. For a minute there, I felt like I really did an awful
thing, but the other me said that he deserved it.

Walking silently in a small alleyway, which was a shortcut that leads to my
house, I was actually feeling great! He deserved it for hurting me, for not
feeling the same way I do and to actually think that I'd forgive him the
next day?  What a loser!  Oh well, I have no friends now, but who needs a
friend like him?!  Nuh uh!  Not me!  It was better living a life as a
loner. I don't have to care about shit.

I didn't notice anything unusual until I saw two pair of shoes on front of
me. I looked up and saw two guys glaring at me wickedly. Fear ran up my
spine. One of the guys had a mighty red cheek. It's that guy I punched
today. I knew what was coming. Slowly I backed away, but then two other
guys appeared out of nowhere and held me on the spot. "You don't know how
much I'm gonna love kicking your ass for what you did to me!"

I didn't know what had happened then. I tried to struggle from their hold
but I was a weakling and was never raised to fight. I was born as a lover
not a fighter. Still struggling, I felt a hard smack on my face that felt
like someone threw a brick at me. My jaw felt like it was dislodged and my
head started to get woozy.  He landed a kick on my shin, which I followed
with a sudden moan. I struggled again and again until one of my arms pulled
free. I punched one of the guys who held me in his nose.  I didn't mean to
do it but it was sort of a reflex.  He backed away and I pushed the other
guy who held me but he was now in a fighting position and was about to land
a jab on my face.  I tried to run away but the guy I hit, who now had a
bleeding nose, grabbed my shirt and pulled me back. The three of them
punched hard and kicked violently at me and soon I was on the ground
feeling blood trickling down from my nose.  I felt them kicking me,
although my body was broken and too numb to feel much of anything anymore.
I was so ashamed of myself. Slowly, I began to lose consciousness, but the
last thing I remembered, Kyle, who was the jock that started this whole
thing, kicked me again on my chest before spitting at my face. I felt it
slowly running down my cheek as he grinned wickedly and said in a harsh
tone, "Heh, losers stays losers. Things will never change Matt."