All other content or otherwise are works of my own imagination. All events are fictitious in nature.
Any similarities to persons living, dead, or otherwise are purely coincidental.
This story contains strong themes of homosexual content, if this offends you in any way, please refrain from reading further. If you are not of legal age to read this, please leave now.
A/N: I'd like to thank TalonRider for editing this chapter. His unparalleled brilliance and tiresome effort applied to my work is greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Chapter 13: Verdict
I turned over on the bed and opened my eyes for the umpteenth time that night. I was awake again. Still unable to sleep.
My sleep patterns had been erratic at best over the past few days, but for some reason, I was finding it particularly hard to get any form of rest that night. Frustrated with myself, I sat up in bed before I propped up a pillow behind my back and sat there. I inhaled and exhaled steadily, trying to find some calm with myself. My mind was crammed with turbulent thought. Whether I was thinking about my parents, about school, or about Jamie; nothing seemed to give me a break. Until I quit trying to sleep and sat up. That seemed to calm things some.
I glanced over at Connor sleeping, and for the first time in my life, I actually wondered what it’d be like to be him in that moment. He didn’t have to worry about being gay or anything like that, all he had to worry about was the usual teenage stuff. The same stuff that I also had to deal with. I watched as his chest rose and fell gently, as he slept peacefully. He seemed so calm and content, as if he was really satisfied with his life. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t begrudge Connor for having anything. No, Connor was an amazing person, he deserved all the happiness he could get, especially after the way that he stayed close to me through everything. Hell, I was even sleeping in his bed!
Yet, even with all this in mind, I still wanted what he had. A loving mum and dad; two people who’d actually love me for what I was, not for what I was…pretending to be. But Fuck! I wasn’t pretending to be straight THAT hard. I mean, besides from making sure I asserted ‘enough’ of my masculinity, I was the same person back then as I was at that moment in Connor’s room.
I looked around Connor’s room. It had changed in appearance quite a few times since I had known Connor. Whether it was a new colour on the walls, or the room being rearranged, it was always clear that it was Connor’s room. I looked over towards the wall near to his door where he had a few posters. Most of them were of football, or movies, but there was one that stood out at that moment. And that was of a model. A female model. She wasn’t topless or anything, but she was in a semi-provocative pose. But Connor wasn’t into objectifying women, so I’d seriously doubt that he’d have anything more…revealing. Still, she was a good-looking woman, and reinforced that small fact that ‘protected’ Connor from something that I had to endure. The fact that he was straight and that I was gay.
I wish I was straight.
I don’t know. Perhaps. Everything would be easier. I would be happier. EVERYONE would be happier. I wouldn’t have had to come out, I wouldn’t have been kicked out, I wouldn’t have lost one of my friends, I wouldn’t have kissed…
Jamie. You wouldn’t have kissed Jamie.
I wanted to kiss him. I love him. I love a boy. But I don’t think about that. I see him. And I love what I see. If I wasn’t gay, I wouldn’t be dating him.
But that would have been better. Yeah, no Jamie would…
Fuck, no. There can’t be a ‘No Jamie’.
But if you were straight, there wouldn’t be a Jamie.
If you were straight, you wouldn’t have liked him in the first place.
I shook my head, no, I…I…
It would have been easier for you. Perhaps Jamie would have been a friend, a close friend. But never a boyfriend.
I sat there for a moment. I want him as a boyfriend. I want to touch him, I want to hold him, I want to kiss him. It’s all what I want.
You want to be straight.
Forget about Jamie, do you want to be straight?
“Are you ok, Matt?”
I jumped slightly at the sound of Connor’s voice. I turned and looked at him, nodding.
He sat up, “You sure?” He whispered.
“Yeah.” I paused, “Just thinking.”
“About what?” He asked, sitting up.
“Just stuff.” I looked at him, “About being gay.”
He nodded, “Want to talk?”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“Say anything, whatever you want.”
I looked at him, “What does it feel like for you when you look at a girl?”
He thought for a moment, “Is she hot?”
I smiled, “Yeah.”
“Then it would feel good.”
“What if you’d fancy her? Like really like her?”
He paused, “I guess I’d feel kinda nervous, maybe a little bit shy.” He looked at me, “Why?”
“It was the same for me when I first saw Jamie.”
Connor looked at me, wondering what I was getting at.
“I’m just trying to understand what makes me different. Why am I gay?”
“Why am I straight?” He asked, “It just is. There doesn’t need to be an explanation, does there?”
I shrugged, “I dunno, perhaps.” I turned to him, “Things would be easier if I was straight.”
He nodded, “Maybe, but what about Jamie, don’t you like him?”
“Yeah, I do. But if I didn’t like boys, then I wouldn’t like him anyway.”
He frowned, “I think you’re stressing over nothing, Matt. You should know more than anyone that you can’t change what you are. There’s no point thinking what if you were straight. There’s no point to it at all.”
I yawned, “Yeah, I guess.”
“It’s not a guess, I know I’m right.”
I smiled at him, “Ok, Connor.” I paused and glanced over at his bedside clock, 3:49. “We better get some sleep if we want to get up tomorrow.” I said.
He nodded, “Yeah. And hey, stop worrying about everything. I’ll always be there, no matter what, ok?”
I smiled again, “Thanks Connor.”
“No problem, goodnight.”
woke up feeling relatively ‘ok’, considering how little
sleep I managed to obtain during the night. Fortunately, I felt even
better once I’d had a nice warm shower, but that quickly
changed once I donned the school uniform. Once again reminding me
that I had a whole day ahead before I could find out what my parents
had to say.
After we had finished having some breakfast, which Amanda kindly made for us, we got ourselves ready with our coats, bags and shoes, just in time for Jamie to knock at the door. And after a short greeting, Connor, Adam, Josh and I all walked outside and began our trek to school, that is, until Jamie reminded me about something rather important.
“You have your kit?” He asked.
I looked at him, “Kit? We don’t have P.E. today.”
He nodded, “Yeah we do, we’re doing a mock run for our physical exams, remember?”
“Oh shit.” I cursed, looking at him, “It’s at home, I forgot to bring it.”
Jamie looked at me, “Want to go back to your house and get it?” He asked.
I immediately hated the idea of going back this early, but I also really needed my kit, “Yeah, I guess I’ll have to.” I looked at the others, “Ok you guys go to school and I’ll meet you there.”
“No, we can go with you.” Said Connor.
I shook my head, “I don’t want you lot to get late. It’s fine, I can jog there and back. I’ll catch up.”
Connor thought for a moment, “You sure? I don’t mind waiting.”
I nodded, “It’s fine.”
“I’ll go with you.” Said Jamie, “I could do with a quick run.”
I looked at him, doubting his explanation, but he clearly didn’t want me to go alone, “Yeah?”
“Ok.” I turned to Connor, “We’ll see you there.” I looked at Josh, “Be a good boy now.”
He rolled his eyes at me and started chatting to Adam again.
“Yeah, you too Sam.“ Added Jamie, causing her to glare at him.
I giggled, “Ok, see you in a bit.” I said, as Jamie and I headed off.
“Yeah, catch you later.” Said Connor, as he walked with the others.
I turned to Jamie, “Think you can keep up with me, cutie pie?”
He didn’t reply, but simply started to jog towards my home. I smiled and chased after him, before we stayed at a constant pace.
“Keep those knees up, Boy!” I said, in my appalling American accent.
“Californian, not Texan.” He replied.
“Is there a difference?” I joked, seeing if I could invoke a reaction.
He didn’t reply. He just giggled at me instead.
After a few minutes at our steady pace, we finally reached my house. While I was initially dreading the idea of a confrontation with my parents, I thought that I could just slip past them, using my key so they wouldn’t notice I was there. But as it turned out, I didn’t have to worry as it seemed that they had already left, presumably for work.
“Did my parents go to work yesterday?” I asked, turning to Jamie. Given my lack of time spent at home, I wasn’t sure if or when they’d returned to work. I knew they had Monday off, because I did too, but I wasn’t sure if they had Tuesday off too.
Jamie shrugged, “I think so. But Dad hasn’t mentioned anything.”
I nodded as I pulled my key out of my bag and unlocked the door.
Luckily, I had packed my bag the day before, ready for the day, but I had forgotten to take it over to Connor’s. So I reached down and quickly grabbed it.
“Matt.” Called out Jamie.
I turned and walked into the lounge to see him standing over the small table that was in there. I looked down at it, looking at the items placed on it. Photo’s of me.
“Are they all you?” Asked Jamie.
My eyes flicked from one photo to another, “Yeah.” There were photos from my birthdays, from Christmas, from my school plays when I was younger, hell, there was even one of me in the hospital, hours after my birth. I turned to Jamie.
“Hey, we better go…”
He looked at me, “Yeah.” He said, as he picked up his bag and walked out.
I took one more look at the photos before I followed him out of house, locking the door behind me.
“Perhaps it’s a good sign.” He said, after a few minutes of silence, as we made our way to school.
“What?” I asked.
“The photos, perhaps they’re coming to realise that you haven’t changed.” He said.
I nodded, “Or they’re looking for the boy who’s in those photos.”
Jamie shook his head, “No, I don’t think they’ll leave them out if it was a bad thing.”
He had a point there, still, the whole experience shook me slightly. I wasn’t too sure why, but it just seemed…wrong to have photos of me splayed out across the table. It made me feel uncomfortable and unwanted. Actually I felt like that before I saw the photos, but they served to reinforce that fact. I really wanted to go home, to talk to my parents and to sort out everything, all in one go. But I knew that it wouldn’t be that easy. Nothing is ever that easy.
Rogers, the head P.E. teacher looked at us as we sat there in the
hall. Us being my year, “As you should all be aware, the
invigilators will be coming in to the school in two weeks to mark
assess you in your chosen activities.” He paused, “Today
you’re off timetable for the first three periods, so you have
enough time to make sure you know what you’re doing, and to
make any last-minute changes.” He looked at us, “Does
anyone not know what they’re supposed to do?”
I glanced about, everyone seemed to know what they were doing as their chosen sports.
“Good.” Remarked Rogers, “You’re going to be separated into six groups, depending on your chosen activities.” He said, “We’ll do your first sport now, and your second sport later, after break.” Rogers continued to talk about the different groups and where we should go to stand. I had chosen football and rounders as my two sports, as they were my best and should have given me the best chances for a high grade. Both Jamie and Connor also chose the same sports that I did, so there was a good chance that we’d be on the same team.
After we were separated into our groups, we were led outside by our respective teachers. Seeing as my first sport was football, I was in that group, which also meant that Mr Rogers would be our teacher. We walked out onto the main school field and headed over towards the pitch marked out on the grass, before we spent the next twenty minutes or so warming up and stretching our muscles.
“Ok, come over here guys and gather round.” Called out Rogers, before he quickly separated us into two groups. Connor and I were on the same team, while Jamie was on the opposite team. There were only eighteen of us, so we were playing with fewer people, but it was ok. But the bad news was that out of the eighteen players, six of those were on the football team. Dean, the Captain, was on my team, along with Connor who was Vice-Captain, and another boy called Charlie. Jon was another good player, but he, along with the three others, were on the opposing team. While I didn’t play for the school football team, I wasn’t that bad. Actually, I had been offered a place on the team many times, but I never really felt that passionate about the sport, or liked it that much to be dedicated to turn up to training and stuff.
I generally played right-mid or right-wing. Either way I was in a good position to cross it in over to Connor who played up front. Connor and I usually played in this formation, and it worked out pretty good for us. Dean played centre-mid, while Charlie was centre-back.
As we walked onto the pitch and moved into our positions, I noticed that they’d placed Jamie at the back, either they thought that he was really bad, or that he had some untapped talent at defence. Saying that, I’d seen the likes of American Football on the telly and I was hoping that Jamie knew that he wasn’t allowed to dive on me. Not that having Jamie…land on me was anything bad, but I didn’t want to be squashed under him!
I looked over him, “You ready to get your ass whipped, American boy?” I shouted, earning some laughs from some of the other guys.
“Bring it on!” He retorted, before he gave me that look of his. The cheater. Trying to make me lose focus!
Rogers blew the whistle, starting the game. We played well for around fifteen minutes, but not once had I come close to Jamie, as they had a good defence further up the field. But it was during the last couple of minutes when the magic really happened.
The other team were really close to scoring a goal, but Dean managed to tackle one of the other players and get the ball, before he sprinted up the pitch, leaving some of the players behind. Jon, the other team’s centre midfielder moved to tackle him.
“Matt!” Called out Dean, as he pointed behind Jon.
I quickly ran to the place where he was pointing to and watched the ball closely.
Dean chipped the ball up, over Jon, which caused me to chest it before I caught it at my feet. I quickly began to dribble it up the field, smiling at how no one was up this end of the field, except one defender. Jamie. He moved towards me, but I went into a sprint, closing the distance between us. I quickly glanced over my shoulder, noticing how no one else was following, seemingly they thought that I could take Jamie easily. With that in mind, I stopped the ball at my feet, coming to a halt. Time for a little fun with the boyfriend.
“Come and get it.” I said, beckoning him.
He widened his legs slightly and approached me. He wasn’t that bad and was actually kinda effective at blocking me, but I doubt that he’d seen the bit of skill that I was going to flash.
I quickly jerked my leg, causing him to also move suddenly, before he realised that I was just teasing him.
“Eye on the ball, Jamie.”
He looked up at me for a split second, giving me the chance I needed. I kicked forwards with my foot and low and behold, a nutmeg!
“Nuts.” I commented as I ran past him, sprinting into the box. Ok, so it wasn’t some skill, but hey, it worked, right? To be completely honest, the guy in goal wasn’t all that good, and I actually felt a bit guilty about making him look bad, but I couldn’t afford to mess up, not with Jamie steaming up behind me. I closed in and aimed for the top left. I chipped the ball, sending it over the keepers head and into the back of the net.
I flung my arms up in celebration and turned around, noting that Jamie was standing right behind me. I could feel his warm breath on my face as he panted softly.
“Goal.” I said, looking up at him.
Jamie frowned, “Yeah.” I could tell that he was trying hard not to smile, but he couldn’t hold it anymore and flashed me a grin, which I returned cheekily.
so I completely DOMINATED Jamie at football, but then it was time for
me to dominate him at rounders too. I wouldn’t say that I was
excellent at the sport, but I was in no way terrible at it. No, Jamie
was going down. Again!
We were in the same teams as last time, with Jamie’s team batting first, and my team fielding. I was playing at backstop, so I was immediately behind the batter, ready to catch the ball. The other team decided to let Jamie bat first. I hadn’t seen him play before, so I guess that they assumed that he wasn’t that good, so that’s why they let him go first.
Mr Rogers looked at Jamie, “Just make sure to keep the bat with you. This isn’t baseball so don’t drop it or you’re out.”
Jamie nodded and took up the stance, his eye on the bowler, Connor.
“You ready?” Asked Connor.
Jamie nodded. Yeah, he was ready, ready to have his ass kic-
I stood up and watched in awe as the ball soared into the air. I’d never seen anyone hit a ball that far before. He’d secured himself a rounder and the ball still hadn’t landed.
I looked back down to see Jamie looking at me, teasing me. I stared at him before he turned and casually walked around the bases. I looked out onto the field to see that our fielder was still running to where the ball had finally landed. I watched Jamie as he stumped the last base, guaranteeing the rounder. I counted at least ten seconds before the ball finally made it back to the pitch.
Suffice it to say that his team went mental, while my team were unusually silent. It seemed the American had really pulled something out of the bag. They managed to score a further five rounders, two of those Jamie’s, before we switched positions, with my team batting and Jamie’s team fielding.
Jamie went over to the bowlers position, and suddenly no-one on my team wanted to be the first one to bat. But seeing as I had nothing to fear, I went to bat first. I walked over to the box and got into the pose.
“Ready?” Asked Jamie.
Jamie pulled back his arm and threw the ball to me, well, it landed in the box, but there was no way I was hitting that. Foul bowl!
“What the hell?” I said, looking at Sir.
Rogers shook his head, “It was a proper bowl.”
“You sure? I mean, it didn-“
“It was a proper bowl.” He repeated, with a grin. Seemingly he was pleased with Jamie’s apparent skill at rounders.
I stared at him for a few seconds, before I faced Jamie again.
“Want me to go easier on you?” He asked, winking at me.
Little shit. “Hehehe, come on, let’s do this.” I said, taking my stance again.
Jamie bowled again, I swung out, hitting the ball, but it went flying behind me. This time he’d put some spin on it, I saw it coming, but it was too quick.
“Dammit!” I said loudly, causing Rogers to laugh, but he quietened down, “Last chance Matt. Bunt it if you have to.”
Fuck that, I wasn’t going to bunt it.
“Come on Keller, we haven’t got all day.” I remarked.
Jamie nodded and bowled again, with more spin this time. I had no chance.
“Out.” Called out Rogers.
I dropped the bat in frustration and looked at Jamie before I walked up to him, “God, I could just…” I said, motioning a strangling action with my hands.
He smiled at me, giving me that stare of his, “What?” He asked, lowering his voice, “What could you do to me?”
Oh my god! It was like a combination of the sport, the way that he beat me, and the way that he was talking to me. It was as though he was proving himself the dominant one. And for some reason, it turned me on more than anything. I wanted to pounce on him, wrestle him to the ground, rip his clothes off and just…show him some of my dominance!
The guys laughed at our little stand off, but they didn’t realise how serious this was. No, Jamie and I were going to have a little chat later on. Even if that chat involved a lot of kissing, it was one chat we were going to have!
rest of the day seemed to fly by after all the sports of the morning,
and before we knew it, it was 3:15 and time to go home. Well, time
for everyone else to go home, as for me, I wasn’t quite sure
where to go.
“Come over to mine.” Said Connor, “You can go to your house later.”
I nodded, “Yeah.” But then I looked at Josh and thought for a moment, “Actually, I think I’ll go home, in case my parents are there.” I looked at him, “But could Josh go over to yours? At least until I’ve finished talking to them.”
“Sure, he can come over anytime, and so can you.” He paused, “Are you sure that it’s what you want to do?”
I nodded, “Yeah. I have to get this sorted out.”
sat down on the sofa and looked across at them. They looked a lot
more…presentable than the past few days. They actually looked
‘alive’ for a change. But I wasn’t there to check
up on their health, I was there to see what they had decided. What
they had decided to do with me.
“We want you to come home, Matt.” Said my mum, breaking the silence.
“What?” I asked, looking at them.
She looked at me, “We shouldn’t have told you to go away, you live here too.”
“You want me to move in, permanently this time. No more kicking me out?”
She nodded, “No more kicking you out.”
“What about me being gay, are you two…coping with that?”
They shared a look, “It will take time for us to…understand it properly, if we ever will.”
“But you’ll try, right? I mean, it can’t be that hard, surely?” I inquired.
“We’re trying Matt, we really are. We never expected you to be one of-.” She frowned, “Gay. We never expected you to be gay.”
“So you want me to move back in? And you’re not going to keep going on about me being gay.”
“Yes, we want you back. And no we won’t keep going on about it.” She replied.
I thought for a moment, “Ok. If you guys will give me a chance then I’ll take it.”
She smiled, “Good.” She looked at me, “Can we ask one thing from you?”
I nodded, “What is it?”
They shared a look with each other again, “We think that it’ll be best if you keep this just between us, as a family.”
I nodded, “Don’t worry about that, I don’t think I’m ready to tell anyone else about me just yet.”
She shook her head, “That’s not what I meant.”
I cocked my head, “Oh?”
“I mean…” She paused, “We don’t want this to involve anyone else, it will be best if you stopped…seeing Jamie.”
Ok, I wasn’t expecting THAT one! “What do you mean, ‘Stop seeing Jamie’? You want me to break up with him?”
“Yes, and we don’t want you to hang around with him anymore, we thin-“
“Whoa! Let’s slow down a second! First you want me to break up and now you want me to stop talking to him?” I paused, “Ok, let’s skip to the part where I say ‘No’ and then you say sorry and we leave it there.”
“Matt, we’re being serious, we really think that you’d do better if he didn’t…distract you.”
I smiled, “Yeah, he does distract me, that’s true.” I looked at them, “You really think that I’m just going to stop talking to him? Get real!”
“See? You’d never talk like that before you hung around with that boy.”
“No, I’ll tell you why I’m talking like this, it’s because I’m getting really tired of you two dictating how I should live my life. I’m not doing anything wrong, I’m not hurting anyone. The only thing I’m guilty of is being in love with a boy. I have a boyfriend, yet for some reason, you’re treating me like I’m sort of criminal.”
“We’re not treating you like a criminal.”
“Yes you are! You keep trying to push me away.” I looked at them, “You know, I actually thought we were making progress here, that given time, things might just get back to how they used to.”
Mum looked at me, “We’re trying to make progress, but you’re not listening to what we have to say.”
“Listening!?!?!” I said, raising my voice, “Of course I’m bloody listening.”
“You need to calm down.”
I shook my head at her, “No, you need to get yourself sorted out. Telling me that I can’t see my boyfriend. Who are you to tell me that?”
I stood up, “Yeah, I don’t see that working anymore.”
She looked at me, “What?”
I shook my head and walked towards the door, “I’ve had enough.”
She followed me, “What do you mean, you’ve had enough?”
“I’m leaving, that’s what!” I said, turning to her, “And don’t expect me to come back anytime soon.”
“Matt, we can talk-“
“No, I’m through talking!” I shouted, as Dad walked into the hall, “There’s only so much shit I can take you know!” I turned around and walked towards the door, “And I can’t take anymore. I’m done.” I said as I opened the door, before I turned around and looked at them, “We’re done.”
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