Angel of Mine: Chapter 10
He took my arm, and wrapped it around him and said, "Don't let me go." I could hear a certain sadness in his voice. It was strange...something I couldn't quite put my finger on.
He snuggled in close to me a little more, if that were possible. A sudden realisation hit me and hard.
"I won't do this..." I said as I jumped out of the bed, "I mean...I can't..." This isn't right.
I started to throw Max his clothes, and in desperation tried to put mine on as quickly as possible. This isn't right...it just isn't. I can't do this.....but I already had...
"James, what's wrong?" he asked, putting his clothes on as if a fire had broke out in the house somewhere. "I thought we..."
"I'm sorry Max. I can't do this...you and me...we can't..." I told him, while pulling a t-shirt over my head. He looked at me, his young face with a look of desperation.
While walking around my room, desperate for a remedy to the troulbe I had caused, I paused to hear nothing but silence. I looked at Max, and saw him tearing up really bad. I felt a knife through my heart to have hurt him so badly. I never meant to hurt him. "Max..." I said, as I sat down next to him. "I'm really sorry," I started to put my arm around him, but he quickly pulled away.
"Look, I understand...you don't want me...it's alright," he sobbed.
"No Max...it's not like that," I tried to explain.
"Bullshit..." he said.
"Max, I already have someone in my life that's really special to me..." I started to explain.
"I was looking around on your computer...found some sites...I knew you were gay, or at least bi," he said. "Why'd you do it with me?" he asked, looking at me with those teary eyes. I searched for answers, and I knew the truth wasn't what he wanted to hear. I didn't want to hurt him anymore. "I don't know..."
"You're a fucking bastard!" he shouted, the water-works at full blast now.
"Max, I'm sooo sorry..."
"Don't give me that...I gave myself to you..."
"And what?! After I let you FUCK me...you think you can give me this 'I've already got someone special' crap?!" he shouted between sobs. I started to tear up myself...I couldn't express how sorry I was.
"Max...please..." I said in barely a whispered.
He shook his head, and grabbed his jacket before walking to the door. He looked back at me, "Y'know...I always thought that my first time with someone would be something special...something magical. Who would've known it would have turned out to be a one night stand?"
"What can I do to make things right?" I asked with all the sincerety I had.
"Just leave me the fuck alone..." His words hurt deeply in my soul. I had probably just ruined this boys life. I was so stupid. But the reality is, I acted on lust...not love. Whereas, Max acted on love...what have I done? I felt a tear run down my cheek, but Max took no notice of me. I heard him leave my room, and was out the front door before I even realised what hit me. I was a monster. I never meant to hurt him...never. I lay in bed that night, unable to sleep. Thoughts of Max were in my head. Wondering what I could do to make it all better. I was finally able to clear my head, to figure out that there was nothing I could do. Only time could heal that broken heart of his, and I would have to wait.
Adam! What was I going to tell Adam? I loved him with all my heart, I have to tell him the truth. At all costs. I hope he understands.
I must've dozed off somewhere in the early hours of the morning, because the next thing I know, I was whacking that goddamn clock from the bedside table. It made the most annoying sound in the world. Makes my heart jump evertime I hear it. I wiped the sleep from my eyes, and remembered everything that had taken place the night before. I felt like my stomach was in a knot, and I had no appetite whatsoever. Walking over to the mirror in the bathroom, I looked at myself. Practising my facial expression of sincerety...for Adam. 'I'm sorry' I mouthed to myself. I didn't have to act. The true feelings were there. This is going to cost me, I knew it. "I'm dead," I said aloud, and got my things ready for a shower.
While still pondering over the thought of my beloved Adam, I practised again what I would tell him. 'I'm sorry Adam...I really am,' no... 'Adam...I have something to tell you...' Argh, I can't do this! I can never make it up to him...never! I have taken a perfectly good relationship...the best in the whole world, and stuffed it down the drain. There were two broke hearts in this. All because I couldn't fucking control myself! I feel like a traitor, something lower than a human being, and somewhere deep down inside, I knew I was. I got dressed ashamed of myself, before walking downstairs and into the kitchen.
"Good morning mum, dad..." I said, as I headed for the fridge for a cold glass of orange juice.
"Good morning," they both replied.
I downed the orange juice, and put the glass in the sink and stood there a second thinking. "What's wrong?" asked my mum.
"Huh?" I snapped back into reality. "Nothing...just thinking."
And with that I got my school bag and was out the door, without another word. There was Adam standing at the front door with a smile on his face, showing me those white teeth. I hugged him hard.
"Good morning to you too!" he said, returning the hug. God! How I missed him. "What was that for?" he asked, kissing my lips, and I returned the kiss too...savouring it, like it would be our last.
"I missed you...that's all."
"Awww...that's sweet! I missed you too dude!" he smiled warmly at me.
I smiled back at him. This was not the time nor place...not yet. I'll tell him later. And we made our way to school talking about this and that. No matter how down I was, Adam could cheer me up with just a smile. No one knew me better than he did. He was my angel sent from God himself. And even though I've known him all my life, there was a mysterious part to him that always attracted me. I love him with my all.
"I can tell you anything right?"
"Sure babe..." he said, "what's on your mind?"
"I'll talk to you after school about it," I said, with a smile.
"Okay, whatever you want dude."
Just then, I felt the desperate need to talk to somebody. Somebody else who didn't know about this, and could also be trusted, because if I didn't tell someone soon this is going to eat me up alive. We arrived at school, and the morning classes were spent doing nothing...from my point of view anyway. I never liked Math anyway...I had no idea what we were doing. Adam and I kept exchanging glances, but careful so that no one would notice like Stacy did. Stacy! I had to tell her...she always had good advice. I could trust her. She'd point me in the right direction. That lifted my spirits a little bit, knowing that maybe she'd help me. I grinned to Adam.
"Stacy?" I whispered to my left, where Stacy was sitting.
"Yeah?" she whispered back.
"I need to..."
I quickly put my head back to my own workbook, as the teacher's glance wandered over to me. When she wasn't looking again, I started again.
"I need to talk to you privately later," I told her with a worried look.
She kinda studied my face for a second before replying, "Okay."
When the bell finally went, after what seemed like eternity I told Adam that I need to talk to Stacy privately which he respected and let us leave. Stacy and I put our books away, and headed outside to the side of the oval where no one ever hangs out. Well, not where we are anyway. It was quite cool outside, and I almost felt like God was frowning upon me or something.
"So, what's up? Anything wrong?" Stacy asked in a concerned tone.
"Stace...I've done...something bad..." I fumbled with the words.
"And you want my help to fix it?" she asked curiously.
"Not really...I just need to talk to someone, and maybe get some advice or something..."
She nodded her head, "Okay...spit it out."
"Okay," I tooke a deep breath, "I...I kinda...um...slept with Max last night." My heart was beating 100 times faster than normal, and I felt my face blush. Suddenly my face felt warm, and the coolness of the air around me, no longer had any effect on me. Her jaw was wide open, as she stared at me in disbelief and shock.
"Well, you've gotta tell him...tell Adam!" she said.
"I will, I will....but....but I don't want to...lose him," I said, and the words themself made me water at the eyes. I controlled the tears, and let out a soft sob.
"It's ok..." she said softly, before putting an arm around me to comfort me.
"It's not ok!" I sobbed. "It was an accident...and...and now Max hates me....and Adam..." I broke down completely as the water works came full blast.
"Shhh...James, you're going to have to sort this out with Adam yourself. I can't get involved...it'll only make things worse," she explained herself.
"I know...(sniff), I just wanted to tell you..." I told her.
"If there's anything I can do, just let me know ok?" she said looking me in the eye with an expression of concern.
"Can you tell Adam to come by my house after school? I'm going to get a sick pass, and go home. I need some time to think," I asked her.
"Sure...I'll tell him. Sort this out sooner than later..." she said. I nodded in reply, as she headed back towards the school, and I towards the nurses office. I got my pass, and walked home.
I dreaded that sound since I came home. The house was empty, and thank God for that, because I needed this time alone. I ran down the stairs, and stopped at the front door. Taking a deep breath and letting it out I opened the door. "Hey baby...what's wrong?" he asked, before running his hand through my hair before stroking my cheek.
"Nothing...I wasn't feeling well...but I feel ok now," I lied. My stomach was churning, and seemed to swallow itself. My mouth suddenly went dry.
Before I could say any thing else, Adam kissed me. "Adam...mfff...stop..." I muffled out.
He kept going kissing me down my neck, and before I had to ask him to stop again, he pulled back from me. Silence came over the room. I opened my mouth to speak, and he took another step back from me. Like he was afraid. He just stood there...staring at my face. He looked worried, and I thougt he was just concerned for me or something. I was suddenly feeling very concerned for him. What was wrong?
"Adam...there's something I ne--" I started but never got to finish.
"Yeah?" I answered in a whisper...scared.
"Do you love me?" he asked.
"With all my heart," I answered as my eyes began to fill with tears. I wiped them away with my left hand, and then my right...like a small child would.
Time suddenly stood still...there was nothing but stillness. Even the sound of the clock ticking seemed to drag by ever so slowly. Adam's expression never changed, but remained that stoned carving of a worried expression.
"Then why?" he asked, as his eyes began to tear up too.
"Last night...Max and I..."
"You what!" he said as he walked into the living room with a hand on his forehead, and began pacing the floor back and forth.
"It was nothing Adam...it was an accident..."
He stopped pacing the floor and looked me in the eye. His were red, and I knew that mine were too. His vision blurred up in front of me, as more tears filled my eyes. "You...did it with him?" he asked softly, his voice cracking up, no doubt from the pain he was feeling...the hurt I was causing.
"Adam, please...let me explain..." I begged.
"Why? What's else is there to know? You two screwed..."
His words cut deep into my soul, and hurt me more than anything in the world. I cried freely now, not holding it in anymore. I sank down onto the sofa and bawled my eyes out. "Adam please...it was nothing...I swear it won't happen...ever again," I managed to get out.
"Were you and I ever in love?" he asked softly. I looked up to him, his back was to me...head down.
"Yes..." I whispered.
"Why?" I heard him cry. "Why'd you have to do this? We were in love James..."
I fell silent for a moment. "Were?"
"I'm sorry James...I really am..." he said and began to walk away towards the front door.
"No! Adam no!! I'm the one who is sorry! I promise it'll never happen ag--..." I called out to him.
I heard the door close. Suddenly my whole life just shattered. Everything was gone. I felt cold...and my heart hurt...so much! I ran up to my room, closed the door and locked it. I burried my face in my pillow and cried loudly...more loudly than ever before. My whole body hurt. My eyes hurt. I was shaking...and I was cold all over. Everthing went black.
I awoke later on feeling exactly the same way I did before I passed out. The cry I had must've really exhausted me. I needed to talk to someone again, so I walked over to Stacy's house at 6:30pm. It was dark, and cold. But the coldness I felt, wasn't from the air around me. It was abandonment. I was supposed to suffer for what I had done. I know it. I just needed to talk to someone right now. I better, or else I would have done something crazy by now...like throwing myself of a bridge or something. And it did sound very enticing right now. Losing Adam is like losing my life. I can't live without him...I just can't. This is killing me, and it's all my fault. I sniffed in the cold air, and continued to walk. The streets were quiet.
I arrived at Stacy's house, and rang the door bell. My hands were in my jacket pocket, but they were freezing cold. So cold that I couldn't feel anything. I was shivering all over. After about 15 seconds, Stacy came to open the door.
"James..." she said in a whisper.
"Stacy...I need to talk..." I said in a soft tone.
"Uh..." she stutterd, as she stepped outside with me closing the door behind her, "I can't at the moment..."
I stood there not know what to say! I was about ready to kill myself, and she can't talk to me right now?
Just then the door behind her opened, and Adam was standing there. He looked at me, and closed the door walking away in disgust...in pain, anger. I nodded my head to Stacy, and turned around and walked. The tears were coming again, and everytime I wiped them away, more would come...more and more. I started running, faster and faster crying...not stopping. I never wanted to hurt Adam. I love him more than life itself. I can't live like this. Not now...not ever.
I found my way to the park near by and sat on on of the swings. The park was illuminated by a few bright street lights here and there. The swing swung ever so gently, as my feet were touching the ground, and my head leaning against one side of the chains, staring off into space. It was sooo cold. I could see the fog come out of my mouth evertime I breathed out. I guess Adam needed a shoulder to cry on more than I. I did break his heart. I don't deserve Stacy's shoulder to cry on.
I don't deserve to live...
So what do you all think? Lots of crying in this one huh? There's more to come, so stay tuned ok? E-mail me peeps!
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