Date: Wed, 14 Sep 2005 19:53:27 EDT From: NEL114@aol.com Subject: gay male highschool anybody just not him chapter 10 Its taken a while, but here is the last chapter of anybody just not him for a while or forever. I don't know yet . Depends on if people write back. This is my very first story so it's important to me. It is some what true but with a twist. So if you like it tell me and if you don't then don't read it, nel114@aol.com. If you are too young to read this( ^_^) then don't get caught and if you don't like gay stories then why the fuck are you at this site??!! ENJOI!! Chapter 10: R.I.P They know they've known all along While I thought I was alone; In the dark They were behind me the whole time They were my blinding lights Waiting til I opened my eyes Open my eyes to see they're light He came He opened my eyes I see the light I see them We walked to his house and about halfway there he grabbed my hand with a reassuring smile. We were there, I rung the doorbell And about three seconds later someone answered. " vince-Damn you fine!" she said looking over to Tony, then as she was giving him the up and down she saw our hands. "DAMN!" " damn, I knew I should've stayed home." I smirked. " boy be quiet. You know you want me." Marie punched my arm playfully, still staring at Tony. " so who are you and please tell me the only reason your holding this retards hand is so he wouldn't get lost." Marie said hopefully. "you don't have to answer that. She ain't all that important anyway." I whispered aloud. " I heard that! And for real who is he?' " how bout you let us in, its not exactly summer out here." Marie stepped aside, letting Tony and I inside. " who is it!" Eric yelled from someplace in the house. " why don't you get yo lazy ass up and find out!" marie yelled back, her voice thick with attitude. " I ain't no damn slave." " duh, your white remember?" I smirked, then rubbed my shoulder after she punched me. " first of all I'm mixed and second watch it, next time I'm goin LOWER!" now she know she ain't got a ounce of black in her. She looks like a walking Barbie who got lost in the hood, and thus we have Marie. " its about damn time!" Eric said. " I was just about to call yo ass." " relax. We shouldn't be here for another..." Tony looked down at his watch. " 20 minutes." " damn, so you do talk." Marie still flirting with MY man. " oh. Marie this is Tony." her eyes widened in disbelief. " you lyin' . TELL ME YOU LYIN!" she said hysterically. " THE Tony. The one that D was talking about?" " I guess." I replied shrugging my shoulders. Tony put his arm around my shoulder. " I don't know who THE Tony is. But I'm his-" he looked at me before he said it. " we talking." " oh! So that's why you was holding his hand." yea she's blonde. "Duh! Damn girl sometimes I wonder why I even associate myself with you." I wonder if he's noticed yet. As soon as I get around them I turn into someone else. This isn't me, all these jokes and smiley faces. No this isn't. it seems as if Eric has forgotten about the incident today. Good, maybe we wont have this `discussion' after all. " yea, me too." Dee spoke, entering our little group. " how are you?" she asked me. How am I? Why now? Everything was going ok, I was doing the `smile in public' thing. Having fun and all that good shit. Why cant they just ignore it? It would be better that way. "I'm good." I replied. " what about you? Chris say anything?" good. I successfully changed the subject. " nope, I didn't see him after ya boy beat his ass." he did that for me. He did that cause he thought he was going to hurt me. He didn't `beat his ass' he helped me. Tony is being quiet. I wonder why. I looked his way to find that he was looking right back at me. He did know...he knew what I was doing. DAMN! " but don't worry about it, he probably too scared to say anything." Eric smiled in Tony's direction. " why ya'll looking at each other like that? What's wrong?" Eric said with a worried smile. Everyone was looking at Tony, " could we talk about something else, other than the fight?" Tony said, not really looking at anyone in particular. " um ok? well I'm completely lost." Marie said confused. " what the hell are ya'll talking about?" I leaned more into Tony, knowing that he needed me right now. And knowing that I needed him. I know why I came here, they `want to talk'. but I don't want to talk, I want to keep it all in so I can deal with it myself. Its just better that way. " uh hello! Earth to dumb fuck." Marie waved her hands in front of my face, trying to grab my attention away from Tony. " you ain't got to rub it in!" "nobody told you to watch!" I shot back. " ok kids! Calm ya'll asses down. damn!" said Eric while Marie stuck her tongue out at me. Eric really was our `rock'. he was like the most mature out of our little group, Dee was second and Marie and myself fall last. " so...I guess we should get started." as soon as the words left Dee's mouth I froze. I didn't know what I was going to tell my friends or even Tony. I cant tell them the truth but I cant lie to them. Tony tightened his arms around me. "look. I know ya'll all concerned and shit but don't. I'm okay." lie. One big fucking lie. It just comes out easier, the truth always seems to get caught somewhere in your throat. " I don't believe you." Eric looked around at Dee, Marie and Tony before he continued. "none of us do. We ain't dumb Vince..." " So are you gonna tell us or do we have to beat it out of you?" Dee took over. " its cool. don't worry about it." I said and felt Tony loosen is grip a little. HOW!!?? How did he learn to read me so well? Its good SOMETIMES but damn, can he like turn it off? "bullshit! You different, not the same as you use to be." Marie said sadly. I AM the same, me and her still go at it like we did freshman year. I STILL tell her that every boy she dates is an asshole. I do everything that I `use' to do. I don't understand this. " I'M SERIOUS! I'm okay." as I said that I could feel Tony's arm leaving me. " no you ain't!" he trapped me in his eyes...his green eyes. "I mean I just met you and I KNOW you ain't okay. You looked all sad and shit when I first saw you." he was breaking down every barrier, wall EVERYTHING that I had put up to protect myself. He was opening up wounds that I forget were there. " when I saw you laughing ya eyes were empty. You was like, dead." dead...I wish. It hurts, it hurts that he sees all stuff. KNOWS all this. "Tony-I...it's not that easy. Its probably better that ya'll don't know." I said sadly, pulling my eyes away from Tony's. "what do you mean `better that we don't know'? we're you're friends, remember? We together through thick and thin." Eric said reassuringly although I could see that he was getting angry. I'm like the fucking plague. I cant be happy and I even keep my friends from being happy. I know they want to help but its better this way. They say they want to help and that they care but when they find out...they'll treat me different. LOOK at me different. I don't want them to look at me with pity, I don't want them to feel sorry for me. This is my problem and I can handle it on my own. The world isn't perfect, not everything has to be good. So what if my methods of handling my problems may be a little self destructive. I'm not trying to kill myself...well sometimes BUT I'm still alive so I'm ok. I don't need them worrying about me, it just makes me feel worst. If I can keep the illusion of being happy then maybe one day...one day it might happen. Maybe I'll out run my problems, out run the knife. But I cant do it if they treat me different. I don 't want anything to change. I like it the way it is. I mean, Tony's a good thing. We just met and he's like god. He's hot and he' s not an asshole. He's not Derrick. But...I still wish he was. I wish that Derrick would change, that he would claim me and tell Johnny to fuck off. I wish that he would forget his image and focus on me. But I know he wont, so I'm going to try and forget him. I'm going to forget his name, the way he looks at me ...the way he smiles slightly when no one is looking. The way he looks in his football uniform. Or even the way he looks when he yells at me or when I yell back. How his mouth is talking and talking but his eyes don't agree with a damn thing that he's saying. I want to forget what it feels like when he touches me, what he smells like. I don't want to close my eyes anymore and see his face on my eyelids. I want to forget how he looks when he sees me with Tony, to forget what he looked like when he s-saw me grab Tony's arm. I want to forget all of that. Forget that the name Derrick even exists. Forget that my heart skips beats when I see him. Forget that he hurts me, hurts me so good. Makes it hurt so bad that it stops. when pain is all you feel it stops hurting cause you' re so use to it. He made me use to pain, use to the knife. He made my emotions lock down. Pull away from my friends. create this fake `happy' person so when I cant smile it does. I don't want to l-love him anymore. I want to get lost in Tony's green eyes, his arms around me, his words in my ears. I want to replace everything that says Derrick and put Tony. I want Tony...not derrick. Not anymore. Derrick makes pain normal, smiles scarce. And Tony makes me comfortable, safe and feel loved. But, am I ready? Am I ready to forget Derrick and let some one else in? can I forget Derrick...can I love Tony more? "you wouldn't understand." I said softly, letting my true emotions come out. All the hopelessness, despair, pain and the hurt. Undoing the lock I placed on them along time ago. Now my emotion matched the pain in my eyes. " even if I told you. It would cause my harm than good." my voice was cold and distant. "no go ahead..." Tony urged on. I didn't want to go there, to show them how I really feel. I looked at each of them before I continued. I wasn't going to tell them the whole truth but I wasn't going to lie either. Just gonna leave some shit out. "I've been this way for a while. I just didn't want you guys to know." I took a deep breath preparing myself for the emotions that were sure to come from this. " I hate myself, I hate everything about me. I wish I was dead....not alive. I wish I was anywhere else besides here." I could feel Tony next to me, his comfort. "I want to die, I want to fall asleep and not wake up." I closed my eyes and breathed in heavy, taking controls of the screams building in my throat, the tears in my eyes. "To be in a dream world forever where everything is perfect. Where I wont get hurt or fake smiles; pretend to be something I'm not. I want to sleep and never wake up, be happy in some imaginary `perfect' world made up in my head." I was shaking then, trying to hold it all in. the lock I had on my emotions was gone. I could feel Tony's eyes upon me and suddenly I couldn't fake it anymore. "I've tried, but I always fail. They never work for some reason." "what doesn't work?" Eric asked swallowing his sadness with every word, already knowing the answer but I hoping it wasn't true. " the pills." I stated calmly. My control was back. My apathy returned. These memories take me to a place where emotion isn't allowed. Where emotions destroy you, eat you alive from the inside `til you cant take it anymore and finally look for release. " every time I take them, every time I mix them...I always seem to not add that last pill. The last one that could end it all. I don't know why...its like I'm stuck in this hell and something wont let me leave." I do know. The something that holds me here is my friends. I know that if I die, the pain wont end. It would just be transferred to them. What's one person compared to all the people my death would effect. So I live, I swallow my pain and I smile. I know exactly how many pills, the exact mixture it would take to kill me. But I don't. WHY? I know if I take a bottle of sleeping pills I'll die, yet I settle for ten. WHY? Maybe you cant die unless your happy. I mean that's the way life works isn't it. When you're happy bad shit just cant seem to stop. And when you're sad you seem to stay there. It's like were meant to be sad. Like happiness doesn't fit us. I mean especially here, Detroit of all places. This place is disgusting. It's sad, sick and pathetic. And how did I end up here? My bad fucking luck, again! I'm in a place where I neither fit in at nor belong. I don't belong here, this isn't the place for me. Yet I'm here. Still bitching about how I want to die, yet I do nothing about it. So what's stopping me this time? I have a bottle of sleeping pills under my sink. I could take them all right before I go to bed and sleep forever. Being in that dream world for all eternity. But I don't. I stay in this ghetto, this place where all people have is hope and dreams, Or despair and pity. I don't want to be this, I don't want to be here. Its so dark, so, so dark, the streets and sidewalks are littered with all kinds of stuff and it just sits there. The winters are cold as fuck and summer's no better. I guess it's a reminder. A reminder that this place will always be cold and depressing. A place where a girl is born in poverty, but makes good grades and is smart as hell. But one day you notice her stomach getting bigger and bigger. Another baby born to a mother who isn't even an adult. Just like me. my mom was the good girl, Always trying to uphold some image. So when she met my father she just couldn't resist to spread her legs forgetting that condoms even exist. I could've been washed away with my mothers next monthly. I would've been nothing. Just something sprayed into a condom. BUT NO! I'm here. Stuck in this depressing place. I'm too young for this...I'm not ready. I CANT HADLE IT!! It's not fucking fair. What did I do to deserve this. To be in love with a boy yet he wont acknowledge your presence unless were in each others faces screaming at the top of our lungs...chest touching, Heart beats going wild. To be in love with a boy who treats you like shit, but begs you with his eyes. I'm not ready for this... what happened to that happy family on T.V. the one where the mother just loves to talk to her kids and the father is the best dad in the world...where the son goes to school and he can be himself....where everything is perfect. What is the point of the word perfect? Nothing can ever be perfect. Is it there to make humans realize just how flawed we really are. To make me realize what a waste of blood I am. I want to die, I want to fall asleep forever and be in a dream world where everything is perfect...I want to die. I want Derrick to see me and cry, then scream to the sky that he loves me! Scream to the fucking heavens that he loves me...but it wont happen, I'm not worth his image, his reputation. I'm just something he knows will always be there. And now my friends know. They know some of the reason, they know I want to die. They know now, so maybe I wont have to fake anymore... Dee looked like she was going to cry, Eric looked like he didn't recognize me and for the first time Marie was speechless. I knew it, they would get scared. They aren't ready. I tried to warn them but they...wouldn't give up. Now they know. " I'm sorry but its better this way. You guys don't need to know." Tony put his arms back where they belong: around me. He was the only one that didn't seem as shocked. He is my light after all... " I need to sit down..." Dee said not looking me in the eye. " uh yea me too." Marie agreed in an almost silent voice, Following Dee towards the living room. " um Eric, I think I'm done here." I didn't need to be here. All I did was let my true feelings surface. Let my pain come out. They cant handle me, they aren't ready. They aren't ready for my world. They aren't ready to see me frown. Eric shook his head from whatever daze he was in. " no, you definitely ain't goin' no where." he said doing exactly what Dee and Marie did. This is why id didn't want to tell them, I didn't want them to look at me any differently than before. But I guess there is nothing I can do now. " dude, its cool. I understand." I said and Tony glared at me. I put my emotions back on lock and said the term that always gave me away. " baby...you gotta stay. All that shit you jus said...they need to talk to you now." Tony said, his voice softening. And we all went to the living room to join Dee and Marie. Why is he so calm about this. He wasn't even all that shocked. As soon as we got back there I saw Dee and Marie on a couch not moving, both had of there eyes were glossed over with tears. All of this because of me. " when exactly did you get like this?" Dee said her voice sounding so distant. " its complicated." I replied searching her eyes to see what she was feeling. "damn...is it because of Johnny and Derrick -" all I heard was Derrick. Anything after that didn't reach my ears. " is it?" she commanded. But I couldn't answer. I opened my mouth but... nothing. I just couldn't. how could she know about Derrick and I. don't break....don' t break....I have more control than this. I-I love him. " oh my god I am so sorry!" Dee walked over to me and pulled me into a tight hug. "I thought you were okay, I thought that you didn't care what they said about you..." Well I don't but...well it does hurt but, Derrick didn't mean the things he said and he didn't like when Johnny said anything to me. He told Johnny that I was his, that he was the only one to fuck with me...he told Johnny that I was his. " No its cool. Y-you didn't know." I said choking back tears. I felt Tony come up and embrace me from behind. I am so weak, crying at the mere mention of his name. Crying just because someone said it a loud. I hate crying and now I'm doing it in front of people. In front of Tony. I'm acting like a big fucking pussy right in front of them. " why didn't you tell me? I could've stopped it?" Dee asked pulling back to look me in the eye. " nothing you could've done..." I answered as truthfully as possible. I leaned back more into Tony, my Tony, my light. I could feel his body heat against my back, his hands at my sides, head resting on my shoulder. If he wasn't here I would be crying my fucking eyes out, but he is here. He's letting me cry on his shoulder, not literally but still the same. " Eric honey! You here?" Eric's mom called out from I assume the front door. We all kind of froze as Eric answered, " yea ma! In the back!" I wasn't worried that Eric's mom would see us like this because she was like my own mother. Even more so than my actual mother. She came in happy and cheery but definitely looking tired. Eric's mom worked at the same hospital as my mom, but on a different floor. That's part of the reason Eric and I became friends. We have been for a while, ever since my mom met his at the hospital almost 6 years ago. Then I met Dee and of course Marie . Our group has been together for a while, so why couldn't I trust them? "hey!" she said then she saw our tear stained faces, our emotionless eyes and our silence. " Eric..." she said looking at me and Tony. Uh oh... "I'll tell you later ma." he said with a small smile, knowing that if he didn' t she wouldn't leave. " Eric come in the kitchen will ya? I need some help with dinner." she said smiling. But the twinkle in her brown eyes wasn't there. Eric's mother is very nosy when she wants to be, but it's not necessarily a bad thing. She does it because she likes to help people. I guess that's why she's a nurse. " yea, I'll be back." he said before following his mom out of the living room. As soon as he left I told Tony, " I think we should go now..." it wasn't that I thought his mom wasn't okay with seeing me with a guy wrapped around me. More like they would keep me here all night asking more questions. " I guess..." he said it like he was unsure but didn't want to say no. " tomorrow." I said looking Dee in the eye, silently promising that we would finish this discussion later. she nodded her head `yes'. without wasting another second I was on my way out before Eric and his mom came back form whatever they were talking about in the kitchen BUT Marie finally came out of her shock and stopped us right at the door. " what the fuck is wrong with you!?" she whisper angrily. " are you doin this shit for attention or something. Why the fuck would you do that? Why the fuck would you even tell us dat shit?" I was speechless, for one I wanted to control myself before I cut this bitch. Two, I didn't want to argue with Eric's mother in the house because she already tired. and three, I don't know who the hell she think she talking to. I just told them why, after all the fucking time I heard them ask `why?' and she gets mad when she finds out. " well excuse mutha fuckin me! weren't you there when ya'll all but fuckin begged me to tell you?? Am I right or am I just making this up in my fucking head?!" well I did snap but not as loud as I could've been but loud enough for Dee to hear it. " MARIE! Would you just let them leave?" Dee said in the same voice. " for real, ain't nobody tryin to listen to yo shit!" Tony yelled. I like him, a lot. But is it just because I know he's always looking out for me? Or could it be something more. Do I love Tony? Well no, we just met and...but he's so much like Derrick. "why the hell you falling for this shit? ` I wanna die, I am so sad', he acting like a fuckin pussy and ya'll falling for it. If ya'll want to help him tell him to stop bitchin and get the fuck over it." " hold up BITCH I know you aint talkin to me like that!" uh oh, don't raise your voice to her. She has just as much attitude as me and she don't hold back like I usually do. And with all this that happened today I don't think she was in the mood for Marie. She usually wouldn't go off on her like that but I guess she snapped. "what...?" Marie asked in shock of Dee's outburst. I guess we did get a little loud because Eric and his mom came to where we where. " what the fuck!" he said and his mom slapped him upside the head glaring at him. "watch your mouth young man!" she said pointing a finger at him. " sorry ma." " what is going on here?" Eric's mom asked in the way only a parent could. " nothing, we were just leaving." I said and turned back towards the door. " bye mom." I said to Eric's mom. " wait I'm goin with you. I need a ride." " I can take you..." Marie said cautiously. I know Marie was kinda harsh with her little outburst but it's Marie. Me and her are always like that. Maybe that' s the way we show each other we care, her way of trying to get more information out of me. " no! me and Vince live in the same subdivision. It'll be faster." Dee spoke harshly to Marie. They'll make up later, they normally do. But its not like them to fight. " Tony..." he seemed to get the message and opened the door. " hold on sweetie, before you leave..." said Eric's mom. "does your mom know?" That seemed to get Tony's attention, I reached out for his hand and he took it. " I don't know." I answered truthfully. She is my mother after all. She has to have some clue as to why I have never had a girlfriend. AND she lets spend Dee and Marie the night all the time. Maybe my mom does know, just waiting for me to tell her. Tony tugged my hand and we left. The car ride was quiet. I know Tony wanted to talk but I guess he didn't want to do it with Dee in the car. And Dee wasn't talking because of her little cat fight with Marie. I couldn't help but to feel responsible for it. I mean it did start over me. " Vince?" Tony said getting my attention. "yea." I answered turning to look him in the face. " does your mom care if you left friends stay the night.?" " not really. She doesn't really care what I do, as long as it doesn't bother here." I answered back " so if she woke up and saw me in your bed she wouldn't care." he said still staring at the road. " IF you did she wouldn't know cause she never looks in my room. But if she did I doubt she would care. But she would act unnaturally nice." I responded and couldn't help being a little scared. He wants to know what my mom would do if she saw him and me in the same bed. He didn't say in the same room BUT the same bed. Does he want to fuck me already? I hope not, but he is a dude and I know that I use to think about doing `stuff' with Derrick a lot which caused me to be horny all day and bone up when ever he got too close. But I have never done ANYTHING. Sad, huh? I am a sixteen year old virgin. But Dee is too. She told me once that she has never done anything with a boy. Thinking about it makes me smile because when she told me we all slept over at Eric's house and Marie said ` I bet you haven't'. then we had this all out pillow fight, of course started by Eric, and after the pillow fight we were all exhausted and fell asleep. It is one of the best memory of my friends. It felt so good to just have fun like that without having to worry about all this shit we have to now. I wish I can go back to those days. "okay then, do you care if I stayed." wow, very bold of him. What do I say? ` um yes if you promise to keep your hands to yourself''. " no..." I hope he's not looking to score. " good, I don't want you by yourself." THANK GOD!! " but I gotta question." Damn, I knew this was going to happen. ` are you a virgin'. I don't want him to see my arms, I don't want him to see me. I like me with my clothes on better. I know he'll see me change eventually since we both have gym but still. " okay...go ahead." I answered. "do you think I'm to protective?" YES! He doesn't care about sex, well he doesn't care about it now. " what do you mean?" I know what he means but I don't know how to answer. "the fight and all the other shit that happened today. Do you think I'm too violent?" he asked. " no. I mean sometimes your temper gets a little wild but it's not bad." I replied somewhat truthfully. " I'm not usually like this. It's just I have this feeling that I need to be there for you. That I have to protect you, Cause I don't want anybody to hurt you." that made tears come to my eyes. No one has ever said that to me. Well except Eric but he's like my brother so its expected. " thank you... and to be honest I like you when your mad, its cute." I smiled. "oh for real?" he said taking his eyes off the red light for a second to look at me and as soon as he did I got lost in his eyes. The light turned green and our moment was ended. But I was still smiling. " how cute." Dee said from the back seat. I turned my head and told her to shut up and we both start laughing, lightning the mood that had taken over earlier. Then Tony grabbed my butt and Dee started laughing even harder. "are you coming?" Tony asked as he parked into what I guessed to be his house. It was in the good part of the city and I guess from the house his parents did ok. "DAMN! This yo house?" Dee asked from the backseat. " no. we'll wait." Dee slapped me upside the head. "WHAT? But I wanna see what it look like." she whined. I didn't feel like getting out of the car and somehow I knew this wouldn't be my first time over here. And I wanted to talk to her about something. I liked the laughing mood better but I didn't want her to go home and hassle Derrick. She cant blame him...its not all his fault. And its not like I don't hurt him either. When he sees talking to any other guy no matter if me and the guy are just friends he gets mad. And when he saw me with Tony, I know I hurt him. I guess it was that obvious that me and Tony are more than just friends. When Tony went inside his house I turned in my seat and asked, " you okay?" " yea I'm fine...but are you?" she asked her happy smile faded but now a look of concern. " yea. don't worry about me." I answered hoping to make her look not so concerned. " I got Tony." I smiled and she smiled, so I guess it worked. " yea I know. But you and him just met." she replied, and I knew she was right. We did just meet like literally today. But somehow it feels like much longer. Maybe its because he reminds me of Derrick. I don't know. " I know, but it seems longer and you've seen him. He's like perfect..." perfect? But perfect isn't real... " I know, he is. But still be careful ok?" she held out her pinky and I held mine out. "promise." we stared at each other for a while and I couldn't help but thinking, `yay I've got my best friend back'. " and call me by my real name, I HATE Dee. Some stupid name my brother gave me when I was a kid." derrick... "ok Danita. But it's going to take some getting use to, you've been Dee since we met." " ok then, how bout I call you V and see how you like it." she stuck her tongue out when she finished. Ew, would want to be V? but what if Derrick started calling me that like he did D-Danita. " what about you and Marie?" I asked " we will be okay, she'll probably call tonight or see me in school and we' ll talk. But I am still mad at her, I don't know why she said that. Maybe I'll ignore her for a few days. She'll basically beg me to come back to her..." she smiled. We were both startled when the door opened. It was dark and we were in a car alone, it could've been any crack head trying to steal something but luckily it wasn't. it was Tony with a book bag. "so ya'll having a sleepover, huh?" Danita said barely holding back her laughter. "shut up. You want to watch?" I chuckled. " ugh. HELL NO!!" " were not going to do anything." Tony said. And I hope he was for real. " ok, but I don't think we can all fit in your bed." with her there he wouldn' t try anything. And I hope I don't get hard, roll over and poke him in my sleep. Or ew, poke Danita " I have a queen size and If we don't fit then I could pull out the air mattress." " wait I could just stay in the spare room." DAMN HER! I want her to sleep in there just in case something might happen. I turned around and gave her a look. She bust out laughing and while me and her play fought. Then Tony grabbed my ass again and she started laughing even harder. I liked this mood more. Its better than the sad mood that we were in when we first got in the car. I didn't like the feeling that I made everyone around sad. " I gotta get some stuff from my house." Danita said as we pulled in front of my house. As soon as I walked in the door I could hear spunky barking. I walked in farther and I saw spunky rounding a corner headed towards me. I was happy I was wearing pants, his little claws hurt. When he got close enough to jump on my legs, he did and I picked him up before he scratched me up too bad. "hey spunky." I said rubbing his head. He wiggled in my arms barking at who I assume Tony. " hey MUT!" Tony said from the doorway. " whatcha barking at? Huh, boy?" I said ignoring Tony's rude remark about my dog. Dogs have feelings too. " I'm sorry. Its ain't THAT bad..." Tony said wrapping his arms around me from behind. His front to my back, his arms around me and his hands on my waist. His breath on my neck, my shoulder... " if you came in my house I would've shown you my dog." okay, he isn't being forward. He's talking about an actual dog. I'm the one being a horny fucker. Right? " whatever." He moved his arms so that he was hugging spunky as well. " . I'm serious, it ain't that bad." he added "For a mut." he lay his head down on my shoulder. " what are ya'll doin?" Danita asked from the opened front door. " OH MY GOD! Ya'll some freaks. And with the door wide open! Danita laughed walking up towards us. " we aren't doing anything." I replied. " not yet at lease." Tony mumbled but he basically said it in my ear. Why is sex such a big thing? I mean it cant be THAT good. I elbowed him in the side. "Ugh, whatever. I'm going to sleep, Derrick and his stank ass mood is getting on my damn nerves." " what happened?" I asked worriedly. " well, when I walked into the house he was trying to act like my daddy asking me where I was and shit. I told him none of is damned business and we got into it. Then he said he was going to tell my momma that I was over some boys house, so I HAD to tell him that I was over Eric's. but he was like `I didn't see Eric's car' and I said `because he didn't take me dumbass' then he asked who did and I said you and Tony then he flipped. "that's it?" he never cares where she is so what made tonight any different. " no!" she said still fuming about her brother. " then he was all bitchy saying shit about Tony and how much he don't like him then I was like ` you don't even know him' and he said I don't care, I don't like his ass. So he basically said that I couldn't hang around Tony." she took a second to catch her breath. " and then I went to my room to get my shit and he was like `where you goin ' and I was like ` if you don't get out my room!" then he stayed watching me and when I tried to leave he wouldn't move from the front door, so I told him I was going over your house and then he said it was too late and dad wasn't home. Grrr!!! He is so damn annoying. And then he got mad AGAIN when I said Tony was here so he shouldn't follow me cause he said he was going to follow me to your house. Then he got even more bitchy cause I said Tony was here and left. Probably doing something stupid with Johnny. " damn! Sounds like somebody got their period." Tony joked. "no, my brother always like that but he usually ain't home so I don't have to deal with it." Danita said, smiling at Tony's joke. " how'd you get out of your house?" I asked. I was still curious. Why would he talk so much shit about Tony and not say nothing about me. And why didn't he want Danita to spend the night. " I told him if he didn't leave I was gonna change my bra. Hehehe, I think my brother play for yo team. I swear, he barley watch videos cause most of `em got them nasty as hoes in `em. But I thought boys like that?" after she said it she had this look on her face like she was thinking about something. " damn. So does you parents know you over here?" I asked not wanting the subject to change. " duh! Like they didn't hear me and my brother arguing. They told me when he left though, his spoiled ass." she pouted. " you want me to beat his ass?" Tony asked seriously and I elbowed him in the side. " ok. ok, but I thought you like it when I was mad." " I didn't say that. I said it was cute." I said leaning my head back to look him in the eyes. His green eyes. I could stare at them all day and still never get tired. " ok, ya'll can stop that now. Damn!" Danita groaned. " girl be quiet." "whatever. I'm sleepy, all the shit that happened today has drained me." she said yawning. But I knew that just meant that we would lay down and talk until we fell asleep in mid-sentence. Spunky started to wiggle in my arms to get down. He doesn't really like Dee because she is kind of mean to him, so I know he wasn't running to her. " you better got that ugly ass dog away from me. UGH! He trying to hump me!" Danita shrieked She picked him and he started to bark. Damn. I really wish we would've closed the front door. "WHAT DA FUCK ARE YOU DOIN HERE? DID DAD SAY YOU COULD COME??!" Derrick... he didn't come in but he was yelling through the front door. I was facing him, Tony was still holding me. He saw Tony...I guess now he actually knows. The thing that happened in the hall, him being over my house this late and us being this close. " NIGGA MIND YO OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS! AND YOU BETTA WATCH WHO THE FUCK YOU RAISING YO VOICE AT!" Danita said showing no fear in stepping up in her Derricks face, pointing fingers and everything I could feel Tony tying to move but I wouldn't let him. Danita and Derrick argue all the time and if he went over there it would be a full out fight. Derrick wouldn't hit her, he is very protective of her despite the way they act towards each other. " DERRICK I SWEAR TO GOD! IF YOU DON'T TAKE YO ASS HOME! ITS TOO DAMN LATE FOR THIS SHIT." Then it happened. I looked into Derricks eyes as Danita was yelling at him. The rage that was in his eyes when his first came in was gone, now replaced with what I was use to. His eyes told secrets... ` why are you all hugged up and shit with him. And why the hell is over here this late...are you and him. Baby, I-" I closed my eyes and looked away. I couldn't, I wouldn't fall for this `his eyes tell secrets' shit. If this is how he really feels then he can just say it like normal people. Not expect me to understand. And what if I am making this up in my head. I have Tony now and I don't plan on leaving him on what ifs and maybes. " WHAT DA FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT?"I know he wasn't talking to me, but Tony. NO! I cant hold Tony back, I know I cant and I doubt Danita would hold Derrick back even if she could. " a piece of shit." Tony spat back. I was happy, he was controlling himself not giving into the rage I know he was feeling. " NIGGA I KNOW YOU AINT TALKING TO ME!" derrick yelled. I swear somebody about to call the police. " AND WHO THE FUCK SAID YOU COULD TOUCH HIM, MUTHA FUCKIN PUSSY!" I don't know if the last comment was for me or for Tony but it seemed to piss him off. I was trying my best to keep Tony from hitting him. " Derrick, I swear to god if you don't stop talking about my friends like that! And god would you fuckin go home!" she said pushing him. When she did he barely moved nut when he pushed her she fell. As soon as I saw him push her I ran to her side while Tony ran to Derrick. Dammit, but he did control it for a while. " are you ok." I asked Danita helping her to her feet. " yea I'm okay." Danita said dusting of the back of her jeans. Derrick and Tony looked to be at equally matched. This fight was way different than the one earlier between Tony and Chris. Instead of Tony barely putting up a fight, he was to busy trying not to get to hit to actually hit derrick and vice versa. The fight was pointless as are most fights so I tried to stop it, I already saw some of our neighbors looking out of there windows and they just love to call the police. Adults can be so fuckin' jealous of teenagers. We aren't all bad. We could be friends just messing around but no they automatically assume we're trying to kill each other. Although they are but they could' ve given us the benefit of the doubt. "TONY STOP!" and I regretted it as soon as the words left my mouth. Derrick used Tony's surprise at looking at me to punch him in the face. Tony staggered back and held his nose. Derrick was about to hit him again when Danita called out his name like I did with Tony, and Tony punched then kneed Derrick until he feel to the ground. Derrick was on the ground but that didn't stop Tony. The fight was done and I had to stop Tony before he hurt him too bad. It's not because I may have feelings for Derrick...I just don't like to see people get hurt. " Tony! Calm down!" I said placing my hands on his shoulders blocking him from Derrick. " NO THAT BITCH PUNCHED ME!!" he said pushing me away. As I was trying to calm Tony down, Danita was trying to get Derrick so he could finally go home. She got him to atlease sit up on the floor but he was still holding his stomach from where Tony had hit him, staring at me and Tony. When Tony pushed me I fell right into Derricks lap...I feel with a shock staring at Tony. For one he pushed me and two, I was sitting in DERRICKS LAP! Tony was glaring at derrick as he slid his arms around me pulling me closer to his stomach. His front to my back, his arms around me and his hands on my waist. His breath on my neck, my shoulder... his words in my ears, " is that the kind of nigga you want? The kind that hit you? Just wait for me baby. I promise. I s wear to fuckin god it'll be worth it...I love..." As Tony pulled me from Derricks lap I immediately started to cry, laying my head on his shoulder. Did he just... it wasn't his eyes because I couldn't see his eyes. He actually said those things and it wasn't a dream or fake. It was real. Tony and Danita were yelling for Derrick to go home but I think Danita was still staying. I doubt she would want to be with around her brother for a while. We walked back into the house and closed the door this time. Danita and Tony were looking at me weird. Tony had a cut on his lower lip from where I guess Tony punched him. Danita looked mega tired and the mood was like earlier, weird. " I need to use the bathroom..." I said making my way upstairs not caring what they said. When I got to the bathroom I closed and locked the door. Staring in the mirror I wondered `why?' why now of all times. Why does he have to come and fuck things up. If he would've told me this when we first started this weird thing then this could've been avoided. He said wait...I cant. I've waited too long. Tony's way better than him anyway...but Derrick has been my life since freshman year and Tony's only been two days. I love Derrick but Tony. It hurts...my hands are shaking...I'm not afraid to die. I'm ready. Notihng holding me back and nothing holding me here. I'm ready to go now. They're right up stairs, just were I left them... I turn on the radio hoping that I can find a song that help. Something to block all the bullshit known as life. I wont have to worry about that now. Derrick ...he said he loved me... Hey there, I know its hard to feel, Like I don't care at all. Where you are And how you feel, Put these lights off As these wheels Keep rolling on and on (and on and on and on) He can't do this to me... I wont let this happen to me. He's waited too long. What if I did leave Tony and waited for him. How can I know what would happen. What if he got scared and acted the same as before...am I willing to give up so much for him. But its what I've waited for since like forever. This is it! When I can be happy? but I am happy just not with Derrick. Maybe Tony just came to remind Derrick that I wasn't going to wait forever. Slow things down Or speed them up, >you've had enough For way too much. Or you are not gone. And I can't make it on my OWN! (and I can't make it on my own) Because my heart is in Ohio! So cut my wrists and black my eyes! (CUT MY WRISTS AND BLACK MY EYES) So I can't fall asleep tonight, Or die BECAUSE YOU KILL ME. You know you do You kill me well. You like it too And I can tell. You'll never stop until, My final breath is gone. Spare me just THREE LAST WORDS. I love you is all she heard. I'll wait for you But I can't wait forever. He finally admitted what he felt for me... `I love you is all she heard'. this song is comforting, in an emo way. `cut my wrists and black my eyes'. been there done that. `so I can fall asleep tonight, or die'. die...I cant do this anymore and I wont choose. I'll loose both ways. There is no other way out. I always talk about doing it, wanting to die but I never could. What do I have to live for now...my life is a wreck and my friends are gonna be different after today's conversation. My mom is most likely going to hear about me and Tony from Eric's mom. I cant do this...I'm too young. Spare me just THREE LAST WORDS I love you is all she heard I'LL WAIT FOR YOU, BUT I CANT WAIT FOREVER And I cant make it on my OWN! (and I cant make it on my own) Because my heart is in Ohio! So cut my wrists and black my eyes! ( CUT MY WRISTS AND BLACK MY EYES) So I can't fall asleep tonight, Or die BECAUSE YOU KILL ME. You know you do You kill me well. You like it too and I can tell. You'll never stop until My final breath is gone. I wont do this anymore...I wont try to love Tony while still having feelings for Derrick...I wont. He'll just have to live with this like I have. I'm not going to die, I'm going to sleep. Sleep for a long time...I reached under the sink and found my razors, not what I was looking for. When I die I don't want to be covered in blood. Like a sleeping angel... I looked a little more and found the bottle of sleeping pills...this is it. No regrets. Life sucks...I cant do this anymore. I'm ready for the end... (YOU) know you do (KILL) You kill me well, You like it too, And I can tell. You'll (ME) never stop until, My final (WELL) breath is gone. I hear some one banging on the door, but its not very loud. I ignore them, no ones going to stop me this time...this is the last song. The last tear. This is the end. I wasn't cut out for this. So cut (YOU) my wrists and black my eyes. (KILL) My final breath is gone So I can (ME) fall asleep tonight. (WELL) And I cant make it on my own! (AND I CANT MAKE IT ON MY OWN) Because my heart is on Ohio! So cut my wrists and black my eyes! (CUT MY WRISTS AND BLACK MY EYES) So I can't fall asleep tonight. Or die BECAUSE YOU KILL ME. I'm not going to cry...if this is my last breath, last beat my heart is going to make. I won't cry. I can feel them filling my eyes but they wont fall...not like this. I open the bottle and stare into the mirror, pouring some in my palm and bring it to my mouth and swallow. I pour more and more some slipping out and falling into the sink. Staring at myself in the mirror I want to yell, to tell that pathetic person staring back that this is the last time. ` I love you...I hate you' You know you do You kill me well. You like it too, And I can tell. you'll never stop until, My final breath is gone. I love him so fucking much. And now I know he loves me but NO! he waited too long. This is the last time. I pick up the razor and just play with it, sliding it across my skin. I know I said I was going to cry...but I cant help it. I looked at my reflection and saw my face scrunched up, my eyes shiny, my cheeks wet. I hear a louder bang on the door and I ignore it just like the last... (YOU) know you do (KILL) You kill me well, You like it too, And I can tell. you'll (ME) never stop until, My final (WELL) breath is gone. I want to yell at my reflection one last time. One last time before I go to that perfect place. I want to yell that I hate him, everything about him. I hate looking at him and how pathetic he is. Dieing over a boy...a boy who up until a few minutes ago he thought hated him. One pill left. The one that can make me or break me. I want to die, not live. Life is just too unfair. My friends will be ok, better off without me anyway. And Tony...he'll manage. He hasn't known me that long so it shouldn't be too bad...and Derrick. Its his turn to feel the pain that I have felt since I met him. He's going to know that I am dead because of him...he killed me. They'll forget me in a while, not like I mattered... (YOU) know you do (KILL) You kill me well, You like it too, And I can tell. you'll (ME) never stop until, My final (WELL) breath is gone. ~*~ Hawthorne heights, Ohio is for lovers ~*~ That last pill... I put it to my mouth and swallow like I did all the others. Dry. I know why you're not supposed to take pills dry. My eyes tear up even more. I could feel the pill lodged somewhere in my throat. But I wasn't choking, Derrick was choking me. This is his doing...he killed me. God Tony... The song ends and I feel light headed. But I am NOT going to open that door. No matter what, I AM going through with this. I can get my perfect now...staring at the mirror waiting for my eyes to die. The door busts open with a burst of light, my light. Tony. Too late, nothing he can do. I meet his eyes in the mirror he looks horrified. For the first time he looks as if he's going to cry. Not from anger but from sadness...I did this to him. It wasn't supposed to end this way I LOCKED THE DOOR! He holds me from behind. Knowing something happened but he cant quite figure it out. Then he looks at the empty bottle and we lock eyes through the mirror... his green eyes bore into me looking directly into my very core... I tore my eyes away from his soul penetrating gaze ` no! no!!! I wont loose you...come on! Please...baby I'm begging you don't die... not yet. It's not your time...me and you belong together' A new song started again Small simple safe price Rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets This is not a small cut that scabs and dries and flakes and heals He knew what happened he didn't even ask. Danita came in but he told her to do something...I don't remember. The pills were kicking in, I was light headed and if it wasn't for Tony holding me up I would've fell. But wait, he wasn't holding me up. He had me leaning against the sink pushing my stomach against the corner. I fought the urge to throw them up. I cant live. " Tony I'm sorry but I have to go...don't forget me..." I said weakly. " spit em our!! I swear to fucking god, if you die...no you wont. YOU ARE GOING LIVE!U HEAR ME? don't let go...I wont" Tony yelled back, shaking me. His green eyes bore into me through the mirror. His eye told secrets...they I said I love you...make it stop hurting...no more pain...make it stop. And I'm not afraid to die I'm not afraid to bleed, and fuck and fight I want the pain of payment What's left but a section of pygmy size cuts? I closed my eyes succumbing to the sleep, the eternal sleep that I was going to fall into. I wanted to say bye, that I loved them all and this had to happen. To tell them it was not their fault...but I couldn't speak...Tony I love you... " I love you..." I hope he heard me. ` you cant do this to me' the pain in his eyes looked to be worst than anything I have ever felt. Much like a slew of a thousand unwanted to fucks Would you be my little cut? Would you be my thousand fucks? And make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid I could hear Danita screaming somewhere behind me and Tony yelling " SPIT EM OUT! I SWEAR TO GOD...you cant die...not now. I finally found you. Baby come back to me." I could hear the tears in his voice, the pain in his voice and his heart...his heart breaking... ` no! I cant accept this...not happening. I'm your best friend...you cant go down like this. Were supposed to die together.' To fill and spill over and under my thoughts My sad sorry selfish cry out to the cutter I'm cutting trying to picture your black broken heart I love Tony...but Derrick wouldn't leave us. I wasn't meant to live. I wasn' t supposed to be here...it's my time to go...my body feels sleepy. I let go, I let go of it all. In the background I can hear Danita yelling my address and I can still feel Tony's body against mine, still trying to get me to spit them out. He got the one that I was choking on but the others are already in my body. Nothing he can do now. I love them all...I wasn't supposed to feel this. It's not supposed to hurt. I'm making them happy. I make them all sad and miserable. It'll make my mom happy I know that she'll probably cash in on some big check. And then the sympathy she'll get from everyone. "OH MY GOD! MOVE" I guess that's mommy. She must've left the hospital early. Too late mommy I'm gone now, I can still feel Tony...this is the end. don't forget me... ` I never said I love you...or that I cared...you aren't going to...' mommy cares ... Love is not like anything! Especially a fucking knife! ~*~The Used, A fake beginning*~* A/N this is the longest chapter I have EVER written, as well as the most emotional. I know I almost shed a few tears on this one. Is this the end? Did Vince's mom get there in time to save her save her only son? And what about Tony and Danita? Does it hurt? Questions/comment nel114@aol.com or aim me at nel114. Feedback is what keeps a writer going.