Date: Fri, 25 Aug 2000 23:37:02 EDT From: ZLATAZOBO@aol.com Subject: Anything to Turn You On... Part XXVI Welcome, or should I say 'welcome back'? Here's the legal section. After reading it, please read the section below. All Legal disclaimers apply and are in effect. If for any reason it is illegal where you live to view material of an 'Adult' nature of if you are under the legal age limit, please leave this site now. The Author reserves all rights. Copyright 2000. The Author is Terrence Allessandro Julian with added input by Andrew Simon van Ryan. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ -------- Hello to all. When I finished 'Anything to Turn You On..', I stated that if you were interested in having the story continue to e-mail me. I have been overwhelmed with and by your messages. I had no idea! So, I've decided to continue and pick up a little ways along from where I left off. Here comes a warning. Parts twenty-six and twenty-seven deal with a tragic time in our lives. The subject matter is pivotal and is included here as such. My own conduct leading to these events should in no way be considered as an approval of or as an encouragement of such behavior. It should in fact be a statement of my disapproval and serve as a warning to others. I do not condone this type of behavior in any way whatsoever. That said, I invite you to join Andrew and I again in the continuation of 'Anything to Turn You On....' Anything to Turn You On... BOOK TWO / Part XXVI by Terrence 'TJ' Julian Forward by Andrew van Ryan Copyright 2000. All Rights Reserved Forward There are two sayings that describe a situation that arose in our relationship. One is 'Into every life a little rain must fall'. The other one is 'The Turkey is the dumbest creature on earth. It has to be led in out of the rain'. When the rain began, neither Terry or myself paid any attention. Not until we were nearly drowning in the resultant flood did either one take any action. So much for the Turkey being the dumbest creature. Here are the brief facts, as unpleasant as they are, that lead to where Terry is resuming his account of our life together. We stayed out of England for six months. While Terry lazed about vacationing in the sun, Steven and I wrote songs, working up to eight hours on some days. Wills was arrested in Cannes on drug charges a month before we returned to London.. Peter broke up with him. These two events sent him into deep depression. Steven and I began to produce the acts we wrote for. This meant I spent weeks, sometimes months working until three or four in the morning at the recording studio, seven days a week. It kept Terry and I apart for all but a few hours each night. I soon wished I had never started working. Terry was getting invited to party after party. Growing lonely, what with me spending so much time on music, he began taking Wills along. They spent most of their time in the company of one another, since Wills had moved in with us. They were friends, but never really close. Wills soon introduced Terry to cocaine and within three and a half years, Terry was sinking into the sunset. The sun had set for Wills, dying of an overdose at the age of 24 years. Far too young. I miss my cousin terribly. Even with the tragedy of Wills death, Terry continued on taking drugs. I realized a demon had entered our home and taken up residence within my boyfriend. I had lost Jesse, I'd lost my cousin and now it appeared I was losing TJ. Here begins the continuation of 'Anything to Turn You On...' ...Andrew van Ryan -------------- ---------------- I lay on the sofa, watching an old movie with the TV's sound turned off. The light from the dial showed the stereo was on, but it too was turned down. I took a gulp from my tequila and orange juice then returned my glazed stare to the TV screen. A few minutes later I leaned toward the glass topped coffee table. My fingers searched for the stub of plastic straw while my eyes remained glued to the TV. Locating it, I glanced down just long enough to snort some more from the pile I'd dumped there hours ago. I flopped back on the sofa, adjusting my scrawny figure to fit the sag I'd worn into it. 'Where are you?' I asked to myself for the ten thousandth time that night. I would have gone to peek out the window, but was far too paranoid. So I just laid there, jangled from the coke and dulled by the tequila. The light snapped on and I jumped with fright. Andrew stared at me. "Terry" he asked softly "What are you doing?" I felt the moment of panic pass and I replied "Waiting for you. What took so long?" He sighed and said "The guitarist was being a prima donna" He walked over and sat down across from me. Gazing at me sadly, he said "Terry, I thought you said you weren't going to do this tonight". I shrugged my shouldered and said "I didn't have anything else to do". Andrew put his hand to his brow and looked down. I heard him sniffling. "Terry, please. You have to quit. You promised me. Didn't you learn anything when Wills died?" He was repeating the same words he'd used not more than three days before and three days before that. "I know, but I get lonely when you're not here" I replied, using Andy to justify my actions. "Well I'm going to be here all day and all night tomorrow" he sniffled. "I'm terribly tired, lets just go to bed for now OK?" Andrew said and got up. He headed for the stairwell and I followed behind him. Andy was right. I knew I had to stop and I knew why. That very night I felt the angel of death following me as I followed Andy up the stairs. Entering our bedroom, he began to undress. Before he noticed and could stop me I opened the dresser, grabbed some sleeping pills and dry swallowed them. "Terry!" he shouted as they clung in my throat "Jesus!" "What?" I cried "I don't want to lie awake all night!" He glared at me and explained "I'd rather have you lay awake than wake up next to your corpse!". "I didn't take that many" I claimed, trying to reassure him. He sank to the edge of the bed and began crying. "This isn't supposed to happen to us!" he sobbed "It isn't supposed to happen". I stepped to the bed and sat down "It's OK, Andy" I said, beginning the false assurances. He turned his tear stained face to me and said "But it's not OK. Have you looked at yourself in the mirror recently? I mean REALLY looked at yourself?" he questioned. I shrugged my shoulders. "I thought not" Andrew sighed and got up. Taking my hand, he pulled me up and to the full length mirror. "Look at yourself" he said and thrust me in front of it. I stared at the gaunt, hollow scarecrow reflected before me. "You're not OK, TJ" he said "A demon has a vise grip on your mind and you've got to fight him. He's squeezing you tighter everyday. It's becoming a death grip, Terry and I can't watch it anymore. Oh, Terry! I can't believe it's going to end this way!" he howled and lost all control. Andrew sobbed heavily as he stumbled to the bed. I stared as he went. I wanted to run to his side the way I had so many times in the past, but the demon who'd taken control of my body wouldn't move. The demon didn't care. I struggled with him to regain the use of my arms, legs, even my own mind. Winning the moment I gained an upper hand and I slowly walked to Andrew. Sitting next to him I uttered "I'm sorry". He didn't look up, but replied "I know, TJ. You tell me that and I believe you, but being sorry doesn't make it right. If this happens again I'm not sure what I'll do". He believed I was going to die. He'd lost Jesse and now I was going to die and leave him alone. He was afraid and I was, too. I eventually got up and went to my side of our bed. I removed my clothes and slid under the covers. Andrew was getting into bed, so I reached out and turned off the light. I lay back thinking useless things. I hungered for him to hold me in his arms, curled up like a child. So I lay my head on his shoulder. Andrew sighed and asked "What am I going to do with you, Terry?" I searched for the answer to give him. Not finding it, I replied "I don't know". I was awakened by him shaking me. "Come on, it's after 4:00 PM. The sun's beginning to set already" he said "You need to get up and eat. I brought you some soup". I rolled over, saying "I'm not hungry". He stared at me and stated "I didn't ask you if you were hungry. I said you need to eat. I swear Terry, if I have to pour it down your throat, you are going to eat this". I knew he meant it. I could see his face and he was angry. "Andrew" I began whining. "You're going to eat this, TJ!" he insisted. "I'll try" I said weakly. "You Will" he repeated loudly. "If it takes you two hours or two days, you will eat it". I took almost the two hours Andy had suggested, but I did finish it. By now it was dark outside. He prodded me out of bed to the shower. I went in the bathroom and locked the door as quietly as I could. I reached up under the sink where I had stashed the little box. I opened it and took out the cocaine. I poured some onto the counter top and began scraping it into a line. The knock on the door nearly scared the remaining life out of me. "Terry?" he called out. "Just a minute!" I shouted, scrambling to hide the coke and the box. I'm sure he heard me. "Never mind" he called out. I heard his footsteps walk away. I listened carefully. Satisfied he had left I scraped the coke out from under the deodorant can and drew it into a long line. Using the straw I'd hidden behind the toilet I snorted it up. Leaning back on the toilet seat, I felt the demons grip seizing hold of me. Standing, I reached and started the shower. Stepping in I let the water flow over my head. 'OK, TJ' I thought 'You need to fight. Now HOW are you going to do it?' Then I heard the bedroom door slam. I listened. Nothing. I shut the water off and listened again. Nothing. I got out and dried myself. Exiting the bathroom I saw no one there. I dragged some clothes from the dresser and had nearly finished putting them on when Polly knocked at the door. Stepping into the room she said "TJ. Andrew just left and said to give you this". She held out a folded piece of paper. When I took it from her and opened it my heart nearly stopped: 'My dearest Terry - I can't watch this any longer. You're killing yourself and in doing so, you're killing me. I love you with all my heart and every fiber of my soul, TJ. Perhaps by leaving you I can say more than by staying. Please Terry, stop now before it's too late. I love you, but I won't stay to watch you kill yourself. - Andrew'. "He's leaving!" I shrieked and ran barefoot to the stairs. I sprinted down them, raced across the room and flung open the front door. "TJ!" Polly shouted from somewhere up behind me. I ran out into the cold, damp London night trying to find him. Frantically surveying the street I recognized his figure walking up towards the Underground in the distance. I ran, trying to catch him before he reached the top of the hill. "ANDY!" I wailed through my tears. He kept walking away. "Please Andy!" I cried out "Stop! Don't leave me!" I wept "Please!...". The tall thin figure abruptly stopped, standing perfectly straight and still. His breath turned to fog and hung in the air. My tears streaked downward from my swollen eyes. "Please?" I said softly. He slowly rotated on his heels to face me. His eyes stared down with his face showing no expression. "Andy" I begged softly "If you leave me now, where will I find you?" He stared silent for a moment then tersely commanded "Look up!" "Wh.. What?..." I stuttered as my tears fell. "Look up!" he demanded bitterly. I slowly lifted my eyes heavenward, gazing into the night time sky above. The Prince of Main Street snarled "Second star to the right and straight on 'till morning". When I lowered my eyes again, I saw that he was gone...... .............Continued