- So, tell me....I've been thinking a lot about yesterday afternoon. More likely, I've been thinking about what went wrong. I mean, I invited Simon over as planned, and I hardly made a single move on him the whole time that he was here. I mean, so what I got to touch his thigh? Or his hair, or his arm, or his soft middle? It was just a stupid game as far as Simon was concerned. So basically....I had NO impact on the situation! And that's gotta change!
I need a new gameplan. It's just hard to think when he's around me because I want him so bad. I just...can't figure out how to even suggest something like this. Now does that make me a 'coward', or does that make me smart for not rushing into this? Because I'm not really sure about how I feel right now. Or how HE feels, for that matter. I just want someone to tell me whether or not I should just come out and ask him if he wants to have sex with me, and see what happens. Who could possibly give me an answer to that question?
Yeah, yeah...I know what the ADULTS (The ones with my 'best interests' in mind) would say...but I'm talking about an HONEST, unbiased, answer here! Someone who understands me and is willing to talk to me like my desires matter. If it was up to THEM I'd be a virgin until I was FORTY! We ALL would! By the time we had sex, we wouldn't even want it anymore!
So what is it? What am I for not jumping on Simon when I had the chance? I'm thinking 'coward' personally. I mean, I was scared from the moment we left school until ten minutes after he had already left my house. I don't even know WHY! I keep trying to tell myself that it's JUST Simon! My geeky little friend on the side, Simon! What could possibly soooo sexy about him that it would intimidate me out of my horniness? Sighhh....I don't know, it was just terrifying to look at him and know deep down what I was thinking of doing to him. I mean...WITH him. I was aroused...REALLY aroused...but no matter how GORGEOUS he looked to me at that moment, I couldn't bring myself to say what I wanted to say or how I wanted to say it. I was literally shaking myself to pieces at the idea of coming into direct contact with him. Arrgh...I don't know what happened. Everything seemed like it was going to be so simple to pull off, but somewhere between then and now, things got all fucked up and I'm still a virgin.
I do have to admit though...Simon was looking DAMN FINE today! I was sitting on the bed with him, and whenever he wasn't looking at me directly, I would be staring at his sweet body from head to toe. Dreaming of what that soft pink flesh would look like exposed to my eyes in all its glory. There's just something about the way his body would move and bend in such a flexible and sexy way, without him even pushing it too hard. He looks really warm, you know? I touch him sometimes, and his body heat is, like, awesome. You can feel it in your fingers. Not only that, but I'm seriously falling in love with his neck. Hehehe, don't ask. GOD, this is frustrating!!! Do you know how much it hurt and confused me to sit next to him for an entire afternoon, my body ACHING to jump on him, wanting to grind into him like a madman...and my common sense holding me back with ropes and chains, straining to keep me from making an ass of myself? I wanted him so bad I couldn't sit still! I just....couldn't do it. Damnit, what good is it being this horny when I'm not able to do anything about it? I should have just gone ahead and tried it out. I'm such a chicken. I'm going to literally be KICKING myself about this for weeks. If only you know how much my mouth waters for that one little piece of him that could bring me more pleasure than I've ever known in my whole entire life. I'll just bet he's delicious. He's always so clean, and so 'blond', and so well dressed and all...I just KNOW he tastes just as good as I imagine he does. Freshly showered and honey sweet. He's awesome.
That aside, I need to find a place to read up on sex. There's gotta be some kind of serious website or something that deals with honest questions about sex. And that isn't run by some preachy counselor that's going to spend 15 seconds telling me what I want to know, and 150 MINUTES telling me how I'm too young to have sex and should wait fo the right person to come along. How is Simon not the right person? What do they know about being obsessively horny 23 hours a day??? I wanna hump everything moving! Just yesterday, I thought about cutting a hole in a cantaloupe just to see what it felt like! I don't wanna hear about AIDS, and really sick diseases, and about the use of condoms, blah blah blah! I've SEEN all of that stuff already, and I understand that protection is necessary. I DID take Sex Ed in school, you know? I want to know something GOOD about sex. I wanna know something that doesn't condemn my desires and make me feel bad for wanting to share a sexual experience with someone I find really attractive. I've read the books and heard the lectures. But unless I'm scanning for STDs or looking to dissect his penis and tell him how it works...I don't think any of that scientific information is really going to help me out here. What I need is some advice on the social and emotional part of sex. You know, that part that people are so damn scared to talk about, so damn eager to tell me that I'm not ready for, and so damn ready to fake if the other person is cute enough to warrant the effort. I need to know...you know...how it 'feels' and stuff. What to do. How to move. How to make him feel better than he's ever felt in his life, you know? I wanna know how to have sex with somebody, and not be overwhelmed with reasons as to why I shouldn't. I've been terrified by the films and the school books already, I get it. Sex is bad. All the negative and scary bases have been touched on, and the teachers have done their job well as far as discouraging any sexual contact whatsoever for the rest of my fucking childhood! Great. Now that I've come to the point where I want to 'brave' the torturous and deadly act of 'intercourse'...WILLINGLY, mind you....I want to move to the NEXT step. The actual act itself. I've got the safe place, I've got the willing (or so I hope) partner, I've got the desire thing down, and I've got the 'protection' thing worked out....thanks to the free condoms that they keep in the nurse's office. Why, I'll never know. But our head nurse is 5' 9" and weighs like 300 pounds with fists the size of a thanksgiving turkey! So I am NOT asking! I just.....sigh....I WANT him, you know? And if it turns out that he wants me too, then what's the problem? What are we gonna do? Wait until my parents tell me it's alright to suck his dick? I know that sex can have consequences, but Jesus...I'm not a complete idiot! They're making it worse. All the warnings have not only kept me in the dark about sex, but they made me so ashamed and afraid to even ASK anybody about it that I don't even consider it an option. ESPECIALLY when it comes to GAY sex!!! That's like some blasphemous taboo that I'm supposed to ask the Grim Reaper about as he casts me into the eternal fires of hell! I haven't found any place like that yet. Not a place I can trust, anyway. So it looks like I'm standing at home plate without knowing how to 'swing my bat' properly. Grrrr...
Bottom line, I chickened out yesterday. Simon's gone. And I'm even more mixed up than I was before. Yep, I think 'Coward' fits me just fine. I'm gonna go online and see what I can find to help. I'll write more later.
- Before I even start writing tonight, let me just say something...the internet has some pretty PERVERSE shit on it!!! You know that? Now...I've gone searching for porn before, I'll cop to that. And I've found all the gay pictures and stories that I'll ever need in the short amount of time since I started. And pretty quickly, I might add. BUT...I warn you, don't EVER go searching for anything 'random' online when it comes to sex! EVER! For the love of God....BE SPECIFIC!!! Tell them EXACTLY what you want when it comes to the word 'sex'. Because if you don't, you're liable to uncover some of the unmentionable horrors that I witnessed last night! I can't even come up with a swear word harsh enough to describe the type of disgusting shit that I came across, just by mistake. I'm STILL rubbing the visual ACID out of my eyes! After seeing gay, straight, bisexual, and lesbian pics, I thought I had seen it all. But by the time you get through bestiality, midget porn, pregnant chicks, guys over 85, 700 pound lesbian orgies, scat porn, watersports, rape, hermaphroditic needle torture, leather bondage ball gag masquerades, girls drinking gallons of cum out of a dirty bucket, and the fabulous 'fisting' fortress...you'll be certain that mankind will fuck ANYTHING that will stand still long enough to inspire an orgasm! Jesus! Who comes UP with this shit?
"Come see big boobed fuck sluts take throbbing hard cock up their sopping wet cunt chutes"??? Does that even register as a fucking SENTENCE? I don't think I've ever heard a swear word that's made me physically 'flinch' before until last night. There's just something about the particularly 'dirty' way that they string the foulest words of the English language together like that that makes me wanna throw up....sheesh! One actually had an animation of a pleasantly plump, 60 year old 'Olga' vomiting on the chest of her lover while sitting in a bathtub full of hot water and burnt sausages! (At least I THINK they were sausages! AHHHHHH!!!!) What the hell was THAT about??? That's fucking SICK! I mean...'to each their own', in this vast and varied world of ours...but (Jesus!!!) to ME??? That's just fucking disgusting beyond explanation!!! I'm still cringing at the memory of some of that shit!
With THAT traumatic memory out of the way, I guess you can probably tell that I didn't exactly find the sexual information that I was searching for. I'm sure that there were some good informative sites out there somewhere...but if I was going to have to look through another billion other 'Cum Gargling Ass Bitches' and 'Brazillian Donkey Incest Fuck Ass Fuck' sites...I was gonna be as sick as 'Olga' was by the end of the first hour! So I just gave up and let it rest. Can we say, 'SEPARATE subdirectory for horrible horrible porn sites,' please??? I guess I'm still stuck at square one as far as sex with Simon is concerned. I may just have to make this up all on my own and just hope that it's good. I mean, I had to learn to ride a skateboard at one time, didn't I? I fell a couple of times, and almost broke my arm...but I got the hang of it. I guess sex is the same way. Besides, Simon's a virgin too. How's HE gonna know that I 'did it wrong'? HE might be doing it wrong! Yeah. And that's just what I'll tell him if he decides to complain.
GASP! I HOPE he wouldn't complain! Oh man, what if I'm really bad? What if HE'S really bad? What if WE'RE really bad together? Okaaaay.....Billy, you are now an official geek! Quit thinking so much!
I don't know where to go to find any true and helpful information on gay sex. Certainly not teenage gay sex. (Although I did see a nice site called "Extremely Young School Boys Have Fun" full of pics of 45 year old men with hairy chests and leather cock rings. I guess it would be considered kiddie porn if they were younger...like 28!) I guess the best I can do is maybe read up on a few stories and try to imitate the movements the way they describe it. Maybe I'll get it down by next week. Here's hoping. I'll keep my fingers crossed. Later.
- Monday. I saw Brandon this morning coming out of the locker room on his way to his gym class. He smiled and said hello to me as normally as he always does...but something 'weird' happened this time. I got...nervous. And I'm not talking, 'shy around everybody in general', kinda nervous. I mean like...'omigod, omigod, there he is' kinda nervous. Maybe he just happened to wear his hair differently today, or maybe it was because I could see the smooth skin on his long legs. Maybe there were a few more amps in his smile, or the sun hit him in a particular way that I had never seen before. How the hell am I supposed to know? All I know is that my heart felt like it stopped for a brief moment, all on its own, and it came just from having him speak to me. I think Brandon may be growing on me again. Slowly, but growing nonetheless. I've never seen him in shorts and a tshirt before...it's cute. He's just one of those boys that...you just stare at blindly sometimes, and you never quite know why. You know what I mean? He's just...awesome to look at sometimes. There's a certain way that he makes me feel when he's around that just...I dunno...makes you 'better'. Even on those few days when he doesn't even acknowledge my existence, days that are getting further and further apart now that we've actually had a conversation or two, he still makes me smile. I kinda like that. He's just so huggable.
Ok, I've been doing my erotic story research, and I've come up with a few ideas of what to do, but I'm still working a few things out. There's oral sex, but I think you have to swallow if you do it. In the stories, they always swallow. Even if it's like some old stranger in a public bathroom. That seems kinda...um...yucky. I don't know about that just yet. It's my first time, I don't wanna get sick or anything. Maybe I'll just leave that choice to the moment and decide what to do when I get there. Cum? Eww. I imagine something like that would taste like snot, and a mouth FULL of snot CAN'T be far from absolutely disgusting. So that's still in the 'coin toss' phase. Then there's the whole ass eating rim job thing. Ummm...I'm leaving that to the 'advanced class' for right now. Simon's got a really nice ass....buuuutttt...I don't know if I could really get into that just yet either. There's anal sex...which in some stories sounds great, but sounds awful in others. So it's somewhere between being the most incredible feeling ever...and the most painful experience on Earth. But most characters grin and bear it anyway, so maybe it's not so bad. I suppose that's why there's such a thing as a 'top' and a 'bottom' (Which I have to read up on what those roles mean, exactly). Maybe Simon will let me do it to him first. And then, if I see a single tear, I'm passing on my turn!
Hmmmm.....then there's teeth. I was trying to see if I could find something on teeth, but all I know is that I'm not supposed to use them. What I DON'T know is how to take a long flesh covered penis into my mouth, all the way to the back of my throat, and suck on it without it touching my teeth. I mean, I know I'm not supposed to BITE it or anything, but what do I do about my back teeth? Sighhh...I didn't think this was going to be so...'technical'. This is worse than my HOMEWORK for crying outloud! Maybe this is what I'm supposed to use algebra for. I KNEW I should have studied that more instead of cheating off of Melissa's paper! I think I'm going to let some of this stuff soak in for right now. Enough studying for tonight. I tell you, I have no idea how people get so good at this kinda thing. I need more porn. They need like a pornographic 'Tae Bo' video for teens or something so I can learn this shit.
Oh yeah, Jimmy LaPlane was in a fight today after lunch. Well...it wasn't really a 'fight' so much, as it was somebody beating the living shit out of him while he tried to prevent the other kid from doing so.
Unsuccessfully, I might add.
They both got carried away to the office, and I'm not exactly sure what started it all. But I can't imagine it being too much of an instigation on Jimmy's part. I mean...he's a bit weird and can be annoying at times, but he's hardly the type of guy who would start a fist fight with someone who was OBVIOUSLY going to pound him into the dirt like that. Jimmy and I have never been 'friends', not even in grade school, but I'll have to admit that I felt kinda sorry for him. It's embarassing, if nothing else, to get beaten up in front of everybody. The next week or so is going to be open season on the poor kid as far as jokes and threats from the other kids. It'll pass eventually, but that first week can be vicious for a kid to go through. I swear, this place is no better than a prison yard when it comes to shit like that. Sam, of course, thought it was funny. Him and Jimmy don't get along at all. Never have. So Sam just wishes he could have been there to witness the whole thing. He's my best friend and all, but I hate to see him relish in such a crude act against somebody who was too socially and physically helpless to really fight back. I don't care HOW weird he is. I love Sam to death, but I had to shrug away from him a bit today to keep from being upset about his apparent indifference to the whole situation. With all that we have in common, we'll just have to draw the line on this one.
Anyway, that's all for now. I've got some more research to do. Not that I mind. There's some really good 'jack-worthy' stories out there these days, and I'm loving every minute of it! Woo hoo! Later!