- Did something...um...go out of whack today? Did I suddenly wake up and realize that I'm not 'me' any more? Because it seriously feels like I'm not living my own life anymore. In fact, everything that I thought I knew about myself was wrong. Everything that I thought I knew about the odds of being happy and being miserable have all been based on data that I was never really ready to process in my head to begin with. I can't tell if my life is now officially over as I know it...or if it's just now starting to take shape for the first time in 14 years.
I suppose this confusion deserves an explanation, huh? Well...let me do my best to give you one. But bear with me, because I'm not sure that I understand this turn of events of myself.
Well...I don't wanna start there. I'll save that for last. As usual, the collisions between his life and mine have always been the most mind altering experiences of my life. And if I start with that...well...what else would matter? You know?
Ok, so, um....Bobby Jinette. I've definitely made my mistakes in the past, and I count sleeping with him as one of the biggest. Do I regret doing it? HELL no! In fact, having sex with Bobby is going to be a memorable highlight that I'm gonna remember for the rest of my life and beyond, I'm sure of it! That boy's skill with sexual pleasures is like...supernatural! I can sometimes still think about him and get a chill. I have to admit, almost every jack off fantasy that I've had since Saturday has been about Bobby, and those were some of the strongest self induced orgasms of my life. So...I suppose that I'm glad that I had the opportunity to truly be with him. If only for a little bit.
But....um...current circumstances are causing me to rethink things a bit. And I have to stop. Although...I REALLY should have stopped after today! Argghhhh! He just....he....do you know what he said to me???
Ok....he's like....ok, wait...so...we're meeting up before gym class like usual, and I had kinda made the decision already that I was gonna try to be strong and just tell him 'no' about coming over to my house today after school. Which meant that I was going to have to keep my eyes OFF of him and his beautiful ass completely while he changed into his swim trunks in the locker room. In fact, I was gonna have to keep my eyes off of him period. Bobby has a way of being irresistibly cute when I'm at my weakest, and I didn't want to fall into the same trap that I felt into this past weekend. So, anyway...we're kinda talking a little bit, and he says, "Why don't we ditch?"
And I told him, "Don't you have enough absences in gym already?"
But he's like, "Do you really think that the idea of going to gym is going to compare to spending time with you, Billy? That's hardly a sane argument. Hehehe!"
I kinda said yes. I didn't wanna go to gym anyway. But it WASN'T because I was being charmed by Bobby or anything! I just...didn't wanna go That's all. So, we kinda left school, and I felt bad for not going to class, but Bobby was being more entertaining than usual. So I guess I had a good time. It's just that....well...he said, "Are you sure I can't come over today? Just for a little while? C'monnnnn Billy...I want you." He was smiling and blushing and he had that delicate little whine in his voice...and all my body could think about was how awesome he made me feel when we were doing it. I was so hard that I could barely contain myself in my jeans. I could have had sex with Bobby right there in the middle of the street if I had the guts to not worry about getting caught! "I'll be good, promise. But...I really wanted to be with you today."
My mind mulled it over, and I almost gave in, but I told him, "I'm sorry, Bobby. I've got a ton of homework and stuff to do for tomorrow. Plus, I think my mom might actually be home earlier than I thought tonight." Ok, that second part was a lie, but he would have talked me out of my other excuses easy. It's not like I was an honor roll student or anything. It took some convincing, but he finally decided to say 'ok' and stopped bugging me about it. Thank God! Because if he had asked me one more time with that cute little pouty whimper of his...I probably would have caved! I asked him, "Why do you need me so bad anyway? Hehehe!" I was just joking, but he blew me away with his answer.
He said, "Dude, do you have any idea how incredible you are? There are a million people, boys AND girls, who would give everything they have to be with you, Billy?" WHAT??? What does that mean? I asked him what he was talking about, and he acted like I was crazy for not seeing it. "Are you SERIOUS? Billy...dude...you're like one of the hottest boys in school. You DO know that, right?"
I wrinkled up my forehead and gave him a confused look. "No I'm not."
Bobby rolled his eyes, thinking that I was just being modest. "Dude...come on."
I'm like, "WHAT? I'm NOT!"
But he's like, "Billy...do you have any idea how many people wanna jump you? Don't you see them looking at you in the halls? Don't you see them talking to you, and smiling at you, and getting nervous around you? People aren't just hot for you...they're scared of you. Lord knows *I* was!" I honestly had no idea what he was talking about. But he just kept telling me that it was true.
I'm like, "Get outta here!"
But he's really surprised at my ignorance of the situation. "Listen...they may not tell you to your face, but everybody has you pegged as, like, THE number one boy to fall in love with. Out of all the cute guys in this entire school, you're the one that everyone agrees on, no matter what their personal taste is. You're cool, you're funny, you're smart, you're WAY beyond cute, you're a total sweetheart to almost everybody you meet, and you actually care about other people, no matter what social status they're at in that dumb place. Girls DREAM about boys like you. BOYS dream about boys like you!"
There was this weird piece of me that just wanted to bat away the compliments as he sent them my way. I'm NOT cute! I'm not 'number one' in anything! Girls don't even like me. Joanna HATES me! And boys??? Are you kidding me? I just said, "Whatever."
But Bobby kept pushing it. He was baffled. "Dude, Stacy is in love with you. You know that? And Lori, and Sarah Maxwell too. They were really hurt when you started dating Joanna." What??? "You're always hanging around Brandon, or Sam, or somebody majorly popular. You were there for Jimmy LaPlane when he tried to kill himself, you were nice to Simon when nobody else in school was, you stuck up for me against Kyle in gym class...you're like, too good to be true. Even Jamie Cross talks to you! And he doesn't talk to ANY freshmen! There are people who don't even GO to this school who are in love with you. Didn't you know that?" I think the shocked look on my face answered his question. "Hahaha, omigod...you really didn't know! Billy...listen to me, ok? You are totally in the dark here! Seriously. I'm not making this up. Shit, I've been totally in love with you since the 6th grade when we took shop class together."
"YOU WERE???" I didn't mean to sound so 'appalled' or anything, but I barely even knew who Bobby Jinette was in the 6th grade!
"Hehehe! Yeah, I was. Do you remember that day when I was gluing my jewelry box thing together? And I couldn't hold it and work at the same time? You came over and asked me if I needed you to help me hold it. I could hardly even SPEAK to you! You were so damn gorgeous! Billy, I nearly had a heart attack! Hehehe, so...you kinda held onto the sides while I glued the rest of it together. And you were soooo close to me, and I kinda...smelled your hair...hehehe..." He blushed, a giant grin on his face. "...that was, like, one of the most memorable moments of my whole life. That stupid box fell apart after I took it home, but I saved the pieces just because you touched them. It was...you know...'special' to me." I couldn't believe what I was hearing. This was so unreal.
"I think I remember that. But...I didn't know that you were....um..."
"In love with you?" He grinned. "Yeah, I was. I didn't think I stood a chance in hell until...well....recently. I mean, it made me all girly when you stood up for me in the locker room and all, but I kinda figured that you were just being...'Billy', you know? You stick up for everybody. you're just cool like that." He said. "But...when we started hanging out a bit, and I actually got to know you a little better, you were like...dreamy beyond description. You know how some people seem so incredible, but then you get to spend time with them...they end up being SO disappointing? Well, I got to spend time with you...and you were just....you were perfect, Billy. You were even more incredible that I ever dreamed you could be. I told this one girl that I know from our junior high that you and I were hanging out on the weekend, and she stopped TALKING to me for like a week! She was that jealous and angry. I had to apologize to her and make it up by buying her a whole pizza on her birthday. It was that bad."
"Oh...I see." I kinda stood there silent for a second, not knowing what to say. Hearing something like that certainly puts your entire perception of 'history' in a whole new perspective. It's like I've been living in a dream for the past few years, and didn't even know it.
He patted me on the shoulder and laughed. "Don't look so amazed! Hehehe! I'm just...I'm surprised you didn't know. I thought you'd be able to see how people just fall all over you all the time. You're like the dreamiest boy ever. And...I got the chance to have you." He smiled. "I thought I was gonna suck my teeth right out of my gums when I first got my lips on you. I had been praying for that moment for as long as I can remember. You...you made me the happiest guy in the world. You're everything I dreamed you'd be. And so much more." Shit....I didn't think that his emotions ran that deep. I CERTAINLY didn't know that they ran that far back! He's been dreaming about me for as long as we've known each other. That means that every touch, every grin, every awkward moment that Bobby and I have ever shared since we were eleven years old has been leading up to the moment when he got the guts to actually ask me over to his house. And that makes things....um...weird. Yeah....just weird. Then he says, "I really wish you could have me over today. I had 'plans' for us today."
And I had to snap myself out of my trance. "Yeah, well...sorry. I can't do it today. Not at all. Maybe some other time or something. But not today" I couldn't look him in the eye. For the first time, I really noticed the way he looked at me. I caught a glimpse of it the first time that I went over to his house...but...it was even more intense now. Like he could prove the existence of God by just looking deeply enough into my eyes. It made me bashful, and I kept my eyes on my shoes. What have I done?
THEN...he says..."Well, ok. But the next time we get together, I've got something for us to try!" He kneeled down and rummaged around in his bag for a moment, and then he pulled out this little tube of...'stuff'.
I ask him, "What is it?"
And he says, "It's KY Jelly. I got it from the pharmacy." He smiled, and I kinda smiled back a little. He waited a second, and he said, "You know what KY Jelly is, right?"
And I said, "Yeah. Of course. It's.....like...sex stuff, right? Like fruit flavored stuff and...um...stuff...type...jelly...?"
He giggled out loud. "God, you're cute when you're being silly! No, it's for..." He looked around for a sec, and whispered, "Anal sex. You know?"
I had an instant flashback to those painful times with me and AJ, and my face frowned up a bit on instinct. "Oh...ok." I said softly. Here we go again. I really didn't like the anal stuff last time. It hurts. I certainly wasn't looking forward to trying it again. "So...you wanted to use that on me?"
And he's like, "No...I was kinda thinking that you could use it on me." My eyes nearly popped out of my head! Wait! Is he kidding me, or was he serious? Wait...hold on...so....I get to sink my throbbing hardness into the most delicious ass on the EARTH??? I think I waited too long, because Bobby started to fidget. "Um...I mean....if you'd rather do it the other way around, I guess I could try....but I don't really know how. I just like it...I mean...I was kinda hoping that you would wanna...do me instead. But, you know, we could try it both ways if you want.."
"OK!!!" I said out loud! I think I might have actually shouted it, but I didn't mean to. What the hell was I doing??? NO! No fucking Bobby Jinette in the ass! We're supposed to be concentrating on other things! "I mean....um.....maybe....next time. I mean....if there's another..a next time. Yeah...maybe....I mean....yeah, maybe." I said, my tongue twisting itself up into a tight knot.
Bobby wants me to fuck him! He WANTS me to slide into that snug, super tight, bubbly round, ass of his...and he wants me to hump him until I'm ready to cum inside him! He WANTS it! He ASKED me to! I've never actually screwed anybody from behind before! But he WANTS me to do it! The boy with the hottest ass ever! The boy who has been in love with me since I was too small to really even fit up there! Holy shit! What is the world coming to?
And did I just say NO??? STUPID!!!
Anyway, I was on my way to completely fail my science test for the second time...when I saw Jimmy in he halls by himself. I mean, Jimmy usually has his small army of girls around him at all times, but he was just standing there...and you could see the heartbreak in his eyes from a mile away. It looked like he wanted to cry every second of the day, and it was painful to watch. I can't help but think that it's all my fault. I shouldn't have set them up together. Jimmy had a huge crush on Lee, but I knew he was straight. I should have just stayed out of it. It was cool to see Jimmy so happy for a few weeks, but...what did it cost him in the end?
I said hello, and he kinda moped around a few topics of small talk until I just came right out and asked him, "How are you feeling?"
He seriously had to put effort into not bawling his eyes out. "I'm...ok, I guess." He sniffled. "I just wish that this would stop hurting so much. Every morning I wake up, hoping that the pain will be just a little bit less. And most of the time it just gets worse. Lee won't even talk to me now. He'll probably never talk to me again." And Jimmy actually started crying a little, so I huddled closer so nobody else in the halls would see him. I tried to comfort him, but he couldn't stop the tears from coming down, even when he wiped them away. "Oh God...I'm being such a baby right now."
I'm like, "No you're not. I understand. Really."
But he said, "No you don't. You don't know what it's like to be different, Billy. You don't know what it's like to finally find someone that keeps you from being SO fucking alone...and then losing them to 'normalcy'...so they can go and play with the cool kids again. I just....I feel like I lost my only chance, Billy. My LAST chance." Jimmy and I heard the bell ring, and he suddenly straightened up and wiped his eyes on his sleeve. "Great, now I'm late for class. I've gotta go."
I told him, "Don't be too hard on yourself, ok? Call me."
But he said, "You've got your own stuff to deal with, Billy. Don't worry about me, ok? I'll be ok. I just need more time." Then he gave me this smile. It wasn't a normal smile at all. It was like there was something 'hidden' in its meaning. And that scared me. Because the last time his smile wasn't just a smile was when he was...ready to give up. On 'everything'.
I felt funny going to lunch today, because I was worried that sitting with Sam might look...well, not weird, but...if it bothers Brandon and he walks in, I'm only gonna make things worse. But, then again, it's not like I was gonna turn my best friend away either. Sigh, why couldn't they just get along? Sam came into the cafeteria in a pretty good mood today. There were certain times when he could be giggly and playful for no other reason than he had the extra energy to spare. So it was great to see him smile. But as I kept looking over Sam's shoulder and watching the door to see if Brandon came back, he started looking back too. He asked me what was up, and I told him, "Nothing. I'm just being spacey today, that's all."
A minute or two passed, and I was trying to stop myself from looking, but..Brandon is never this late for lunch. I guess if he's avoiding me on the phone, then he'd be avoiding me in the cafeteria too. Finally, Sam looks over his shoulder again and he asks me, "Dude! Who are you looking for? What's UP with you today?"
I didn't know that I was being so obvious about it. "Huh? I'm sorry. Forget it. I'll stop."
But he said, "I don't want you to stop, I just wanna know who you're expecting to see come through that door. Hehehe!"
I told him, "Nobody. Really. I'm just..."
He said, "You're NOT fine, Billy. I can tell when you're upset, remember? Your whole body gets swallowed up in this visible 'gloom' and you stop talking completely. Something is obviously bothering you, and I'm betting that it's pretty big." It's frightening that he can still read me so easily. "Come on, TELL ME! Talk to me." He asked, but I kept quiet. What was I really gonna say to him, huh? The truth is nowhere close to what I could actually say in front of him. And I just didn't have the energy to make up some other heterosexual lie at the moment. So I just kept my head down, trying to hold it all in long enough for Sam to give up and go back to being his cheerful self again. At least his smile was distracting enough to keep my mind off of Brandon hating me. Then...Sam put his hand on my arm from across the table, and I looked up at him. His eyes met mine and he said, "Dude...no matter what it is...you can tell me. Seriously. It can't be that bad. But, whatever is bugging you, I'll listen. I'm right here. Just say it."
I don't think I've ever felt the urge so strongly before....certainly not in front of Sam. But there was no denying that it was there this time. The words were collecting on the tip of my tongue, and a rush of emotions was trying hard to push them out where he could hear them. I'm gay. I like boys. I suck dick. How exactly do I tell my best friend that I'm different from 90 percent of the planet? It was right there, burning in the back of my throat. It was like...this voice inside was screaming at me, "Just TELL him!" I don't know why it was so hard. I don't know why I was suddenly thinking it would be so 'easy' either. But somewhere in all that confusion, I hesitated long enough for the urge to pass, and I kept my mouth shut.
Sam threw a French fry at me and said, "Hehehe! Fine, be that way, spaceman! Just quit looking over my shoulder. You're making me nervous over here." And thankfully he didn't pursue it any further. Sighhh...I wonder what happens if I tell him. I mean...just how is he gonna treat me once he knows that I'm gay? Even worse, is he gonna look back at all the fun times we had together, and suddenly become aware of how I used to feel about him? How is he gonna take it when he thinks about the times I blushed around him, or touched him a certain way when we wrestled together, and he realizes that it was more than just a friendly butt pinch between friends? Maybe I shouldn't tell him. Or...maybe I should and get it over with. Shit. Jimmy was right. It sucks being different.
When I came home from school today...that is....when I walked to my house..Brandon was...he was sitting on my front doorstep. I hadn't seen him at all, not once during the school day. And now he was sitting right here in front of me. It didn't seem...real, he just....he was waiting for me. I don't know why, but the first words out of my mouth were, "I tried to call you last night."
And he said, "I know. I didn't wanna talk."
So I told him, "You could have picked up the phone and told me you didn't wanna talk."
Then he said, "That would have involved 'talking'." Which I guess makes sense. I didn't have much of an answer for that. "Can I....come in, or something?" He asked, and I almost forgot what I was doing there.
I unlocked the door and took him inside. I was PRAYING that my mom wasn't home early or anything, and thank God, she wasn't. I'm SO glad I didn't walk into this house with Bobby Jinette on my arm today!
So, Brandon and I went into my room, and he sat on the foot of my bed. He was rubbing his hands up and down his legs nervously, and I don't think I've ever seen him...squirm so much before. It confused me a bit at first, but he never looked more beautiful. After more than a week of him being gone from my life...it was relaxing to lay my eyes on him from this short distance again. Something about his very existence just comforts me. I asked, "Do you want something to drink?"
And he said, "I do too..." Which...um...didn't make a damn bit of sense. When I didn't know how to answer that, he said, "I mean...no...no drink. But I...I do too."
Okaaaay...so he was being a borderline crazy person, and I asked, "'You do too' what?" He got even more fidgety, and he stood up, and he closed my bedroom door. "There's nobody home." I told him, but he said it didn't matter.
He paced for a second, then he sat back down again. He's like, "I should have said something that day. I didn't want to be wrong, and I didn't know what to say, then I DID know what to say, but I couldn't say it. I mean....ugh! Can you give me a minute?" I was so confused at this point that all I could do was nod my head. He closed his eyes, and sighed out loud. "Billy...before I do this, I have to ask you...did you really mean what you said to me?"
I'm like, "When?"
And he said, "The day I left for my cousin's wedding. Did you mean it?" I felt my stomach drop like a racing roller coaster! What was he saying??? What was he NOT saying??? OMIGOD OMIGOD OMIGOD!!!
"YES!!! Yes, I meant every single word of it!" I shouted. Oh please, oh please, let this be it! I didn't want to wait another second! I didn't want to have another regret! I didn't want to waste another breath holding in something that I felt so strongly for someone so beautiful! I was taking a CHANCE! God help me...I was really gonna go for it this time! "Brandon?" I asked, as he looked down at his feet.
"Good." He said. "I....I do too." He couldn't bear to look at me. He couldn't even keep himself still. Is that...I mean...does that mean what I think it means, or...?
"'You do too' what?" I asked again, making sure that I didn't just make all of this up in my head.
"Don't make me say it, ok? I haven't gotten that far yet." Was he struggling? Did he feel like I felt? Why would Brandon, the prettiest boy in school, feel timid around ME? I'm the one who should be shaking himself to pieces here.
I told him, "Brandon...since the first day I saw you, I've been trying to get as close to you as I possibly could. I didn't even know why at the time, but...I haven't stopped thinking about you since. I'm sorry if it's weird that I wanna tell you this, but I love you. Ok? I really do. I LOVE you!" Come on, Brandon! SAY it! Please? Just once!
It looked like it almost hurt him to hear it, but he melted at the same time. "You mean...you're not with somebody else? I mean...I'll understand if you're with somebody else..."
"NO! I'm not with ANYBODY else! No way!" I said, breaking out into a big uncontrollable smile.
And he's like, "Not Sam...or...or Joanna, or Jimmy, or anybody?"
"NOBODY!!! I SWEAR!!!" I was nearly bouncing on the bed at this point, a burst of energy hyping me up beyond belief!
"Oh...ok..." He said, but I was staring right at him, and he couldn't avoid me any longer. He took in a gulp of air, and he bashfully mumbled, "So..umm....do you wanna be my...boyfriend....or something...maybe?" He didn't say it all, but he said enough! He DEFINITELY said enough!
"**YES**!!!!! FOREVER AND EVER!!!! I'LL TOTALLY BE YOUR BOYFRIEND!!!" I screamed out loud, scaring him even more! And then he got really nervous! He was breathing kinda hard, and looking at the floor, and I couldn't even get him to smile.
"Um...ok. Cool. Well, that was all I wanted to ask you. So....yeah. I'll..I'll see you tomorrow." And he stood up and actually grabbed his stuff to walk out of my room.
WHAT THE HELL???? I didn't know what the fuck to do, but in this weird giggly 'panic', I jumped up from my bed and ran to the front door before he could leave. "BRANDON, WAIT!!!" I shouted, and when he turned around, I said, "I can't let you leave yet."
"But I..." Before he got a chance to say anything, I leaned in, and for the first time...I actually kissed Brandon on the lips! Ohhhhhhhhhh, those soft ruby lips that I have been fantasizing about for soooo long! They were orgasmic! I don't know what came over me, but I just...reached my arms up to rest on his shoulders, and lightly pressed my lips against his, and just....went for it. If only I had the words to describe what I felt at that moment. Especially when the 'shock' of it wore off for Brandon and he lightly rested his hands on my hips. He was so gentle, just like I knew he would be. Like he was almost scared to touch me. And when our lips parted, I looked into those big sexy eyes of his with a grin, and he shyly blushed right in front of me. "Ok then...I'll....see you later..." He said. He was so breathless and so shy and so...CUTE!!! Omigod, he slid past me and walked out of the door in this dreamy haze! He didn't even know what to SAY to me...but he's....he's my BOYFRIEND!!! MINE! BRANDON! After he left, I ran back into my room top speed, literally dove on the bed, and screamed as LOUD as I could into my pillow while kicking my feet wildly on the mattress! I couldn't contain myself! Life suddenly exploded into a giant burst of color, and I felt like I could fly to the fucking MOON!
I'm getting myself all giddy and anxious again! I've gotta call him! I've GOT to! I'll write more later! But if I don't talk to Brandon right now, I'm literally gonna die! DIE I tell you! Hehehe! I'll see you later! K?
I've got a boyfriend. The most incredible boyfriend in the world. And I get to kiss him whenever I WANT to now! Oh wow...oh WOW...I'm done. I can't write any more. I'm seriously done! G'night!
- Billy (Brandon's new boyfriend! AAAHHHHHHH!!!!!)