- This day has been so....sooo...sighhhhh!
Have you ever been SO in love with somebody that it just makes the whole damn world look like candy and gumdrops? Where it just makes you all 'goofy' inside, and you can hardly sit still because it tickles so much that you have to physically hold yourself still with both arms just to keep from sliding right out of your chair? That's exactly how I felt today. All that and more! My whole life is a dream, and I can hardly contain my smile any more. It's, like...'broken' or something, just stuck in this position forever! My cheeks actually hurt from smiling so much.
My mom thought I was on DRUGS or something when I ate breakfast this morning. I guess I'm not usually the greatest morning person in the world, so I think I caught her off guard with the giddy grin today. But I just....ugh....I didn't wanna wake up, because I was dreaming about my boyfriend, Brandon. But I didn't wanna stay in bed either, because I wanted to see him in the flesh again. And I wanna KISS him again!!! AHHH! Did I actually DO that??? I did, didn't I? And it was AWESOME! Wow...he loves me. HE LOVES ME!!! Jesus! I can't stop thinking about it! 'I do too'...that's just how he said it! Is that not just INSANELY cute, or what??? Oh man! What the hell am I gonna do with all of this...this fucking...ENERGY??? It's, like, eating me ALIVE right now! And I love it! Hehehe!
Ok, let me try to focus long enough to write this out. It's hard to think of anything other than my 'sweetie' right now. But I'll try.
Remember that really long email that Lee sent me? The one that I had to kinda sacrifice my Science make-up test for? Well, when he read my answer, he was sooooo grateful that I took the time to actually answer back and made an effort to understand. He was literally overjoyed. And that feels so good inside sometimes, knowing that he liked it so much. One thing though...he kinda....sent me another email that was even longer than the last one. NOT that it's a bad thing! Because everything that he wrote was just...beautiful. It made me realize just how much Lee and I were just friends on the 'surface' before now. I mean, we always cared about each other, and he's an awesome guy in every imaginable sense of the word...but now that I think about it, we never really got 'deep' into anything. We traded some short emails, we shared some laughs, we hung out a bunch of times...but now that I'm getting the chance to really 'talk' to him, I see just how amazing he really is. Beyond being extremely cute, that is. He's got such an open mind, and this weird insight into things that I never noticed before. He was always too damn gorgeous for me to really want to be close to him before. It was kinda 'scary', you know? Because you can't help but to totally fall in love with him, and that's not a good thing when you can't have him. His 'heartthrob' looks and magnetic personality have always made me extremely nervous, because it meant the possibility of exposure if I was ever caught staring at him as hard as I wanted to. Now that some of that tension has been removed (SOME...not ALL!), we can kinda talk like...pals. You know?
But...it might be another few days before I can answer that email. The last one took me forever to finish, and I've got a ton of stuff going on right now. BUT...I won't take too long this time! I'm gonna force myself to do it sooner than last time! I swear! God, he's adorable.
Oh, I guess I should mention that Bobby Jinette actually bumped into me on purpose as we were coming out of the showers today! Hehehe! Like all...nude and wet and sexy, like! I KNOW he did it to tempt me, the bastard! There's nothing like having your 'favorite toy' touch the magnificence of the hottest ass in gym class for a few seconds in a room full of naked teenage boys! Honestly, he's been pretty cheeky lately. No pun intended. He smiles at me a lot. I wonder what he thinks about when he sees me naked. Well, in gym class, I mean. Or better yet...what did he think about the first time he saw me naked??? Did he peek? Did he stare? Was I everything he hoped I would be? I remember Joanna once saying how 'hot' my body was...but she never got to see it without clothes on. I think Bobby liked it. I definitely liked his. Hehehe, geez! I've gotta stop thinking about this stuff at random. It's making me such a pervert these days.
You know, I thought more about what he said to me yesterday. And while I am a long way from having a big ego about it...I've gotta admit that it gave me this strange pinch of confidence that wasn't there before. Just walking through the halls today, looking around at all of the familiar faces that I usually see on a daily basis and never really pay any attention to...I felt....'pretty'. Hehehe, I know that sounds crazy! But it's true! Do you know that several girls were looking at me from across the hall when I was at my locker, and they were constantly whispering and giggling between each other the whole time? And another girl totally blushed in front of me for no reason whatsoever. I barely even knew her. Even Melissa, the brainiac of the 9th grade, seemed to give me an extra bright smile today. I'm sure that most of it is just in my head. It's gotta be. But there were a few times when I felt exactly the way Bobby described me And it was just...weird. In a fun way, though. I wonder if this is how Jamie Cross feels? But, like...times a MILLION!
Ok, ok, ok....
Now, for my FAVORITE part of the day!
I got to see him. I saw him THREE TIMES today! Each time was better than the last! I hope I'm not being too...'freaky' or anything. But I seriously can't help it! Brandon just...absorbs every waking part of my reality whenever he's near me. I mean, I've always had a crush on him, been infatuated with him, been frustratingly attracted to him..but something has seriously leapt off the track as far as these NEW emotions are concerned. It's like, I've become instantly obsessed with every little detail about him. Everything I felt before has been magnified by some near infinite number, and all I can do is giggle like an idiot and tremble like a little girl in front of him. I can't stop it. I can't even pretend to be cool when I look into those big beautiful eyes and hear his voice saying my name. It turns me to fucking applesauce every time.
But today was kinda...I don't know. I guess the word I wanna use is 'awkward'. I don't know what I expected. Like, we were suddenly gonna hold hands in the hallway and go skipping to class together or something? Psh, yeah right! But when I got to school, I purposely waited for him out by the bike racks, and I brightened up the second he came riding by. But...except for a little smile and a few blushes, he didn't really know what to say to me. I guess he's even more shy than I thought he was about being around me. And I also thought that maybe he was still doubting that really meant what I said, so I tried extra hard to let him know that I was TOTALLY interested in him! But he kinda shrugged away from me. It was strange.
I saw him again at lunch time, and I asked him if he wanted to go sit outside somewhere. I didn't want to go through the fumbling experience of trying to have my new boyfriend and Sam sitting at the same table, especially when they don't get along so well. Plus, I didn't wanna take a chance of running into Bobby Jinette if I could help it. He was all for it, and we sat outside. I can't stop staring at him. He's SO damn beautiful, you have no idea. I could fill every page in this book just trying to describe how incredible he is. But he was being so weird today. It's like, even though we were pretty much alone, he was trying to be 'casual' and 'unaffectionate' and...I barely recognized his personality through all of that 'normality'. I was kinda looking forward to telling him how much I loved him, and making plans to get together, and maybe...getting a whole bunch of long suppressed feelings about each other out on in the open, you know? I mean...he knows that I love him! I know that he loves me! We should be able to breathe easy now, right? I mean...the hardest part for any gay boy is finding someone gay to love and actually getting the guts to tell him so. So...the hard part is over, right? Right? Am I doing something wrong?
No. I'm not doing anything wrong. He's just...getting used to the idea, is all. Awwww, he probably doesn't wanna scare me off or something! That's just the kinda shy and bashful tactic that made me fall in love with Brandon in the first place. Hehehe, he's so cute!
The third time I saw him was after school. I know there were kids in the halls and I couldn't really say much, but I wanted....sighhhh....I really wanted to just touch him again. Just to make sure he was real. I was standing in front of him, and he kinda grinned at me and bit down on the right corner of his bottom lip. It was ADORABLE! I was kinda stuck between being in love, and being scared, and being exposed, and not caring if I was exposed, and being...just....lost in his eyes. So I made this weird motion where I kinda just reached a hand out and touched the front of his shirt. That's all I wanted really...just a touch. Just....something to hold onto this excitement for a few seconds longer. I think he thought it looked just as silly to him as it did to me, because he giggled at my awkward attempt to be close to him. I giggled a bit myself, and he whispered, "Bye." And then he left.
Ok...I'm melting again just writing this.
I dunno....my insides are all curled up around this ONE emotion, and it makes my whole body tingle from head to toe. Sometimes, I'll just think of his smile, and it'll send this full body orgasm shooting through me. Sometimes it's so strong that I think I'm gonna fall over and slide off of the face of the Earth and never be heard from again. I've never felt anything like this before. Ever. It's sooooo mind-blowing. There are literally times when I want to 'cry', but I can't. It gets stuck somewhere inside, and I'm left to twist and squirm in the wake of a feeling so tremendous that I can't even put it into words.
Love. How can a word so short, with so few letters, mean so much? I doubt I'll ever look at that word the same way ever again. I can't. It doesn't have the same meaning anymore. Not for me.
Ok...my whole body is starting to quiver again. I'm gonna stop now. But I'm kissing this book right now before bed. Billy Chase is finally happy! I mean, like, HAPPY happy! And life is good. Everything is gonna be just fine. Everything is gonna be great.
::Kiss:: - Billy (In love, and loving it!)