- What the FUCK?!?! Do you know what happened today? My mom goes out grocery shopping for a few extra items for Sunday dinner...and for some fucked up reason she runs into my Science teacher in the store. Now, I personally can't see my Science teacher being in a grocery store. Honestly...I can't see my science teacher being anywhere but behind that stupid desk in our classroom, in front of the blackboard, or in the teacher's lounge. The nerve of a teacher, actually interacting with people on some kind of a 'social' level! ESPECIALLY when it's a parent! Is she fuckin' CRAZY???
Anyway, somehow...*I* happen to come up in their conversation. Something that I'm sure was my nosy mom's fault. She'll take any opportunity she can get to 'spy' on me. Why the hell does she need to check up on me all the time? I haven't brought any weapons to school! I don't have any marijuana in my dresser drawer! And it's not like I got anybody pregnant! So what's the big deal with her butting into my life anyway? ARRRGH!
Ok....look...I'm just upset because she knows what I got on both of my last Science tests. She even knew what I got on my make up test before I even got to see it. Evidently, it wasn't good. Not at all. My teacher is 'concerned' that I'm not understanding the lesson, and might need some extra help. As though me passing that stupid test was somehow gonna affect the number of zeroes on her paycheck. I'm sure teachers must get a fortune from being there every day! Psh! So the two of them start talking behind my BACK about what should be done to help me bring my test scores up. Let's get something straight! It's NOT that I don't understand what the hell is going on in class! I just...I'm a teenage BOY for crying out loud! I've got shit on my mind! I'm falling in and out of love and trying to maintain friendships and be there for the people who need me. I would have done fine on the make up test, but I took time out to write to Lee and make a true connection with someone that I really care about. So sue me. I can worry about their mindless 'paperwork' later. Who cares, anyway? They have no business talking about me anyway. Why can't they just pick up their breadsticks and day old milk and go home like they're supposed to? Geez!
Well...it looks like my mom wants me to go in for a few weeks of suggested 'tutoring'. Sighhhh...tutoring is like three days out of the week! That's worse than detention! Now she wants to send me to the student center to talk to some overly enthusiastic geek about the wonders of Science for half of my week. The teacher told my mom I could come in tomorrow after school, and she'll set me up with someone to start on Wednesday. This is so not fair. From now on, my mom's not allowed to go to the store by herself. I'm gonna be right there to defend myself the next time they decide to hold a private meeting on what's good for my well being.
Oh, I got to hang out with Sam earlier today, hoping to make up for some of the days that I ditched him for lunch. I think him and his mom are reaching that boiling point again where they start fighting and he's forced to leave the house for a few hours while they both calm down. They were just the kind of pair that couldn't get along for any extended period of time, no matter what you did for them. I never understood that completely. The funny thing is, Sam probably gets away with twice the amount of trouble that I could on any given day. But where my mom and I might clash on little things like the dishes, or the trash, or the state of chaos that my room is in...Sam and his mom are always on the verge of World War X. I wish there was a way to advise him on how to avoid that, but Sam and his mom are too much alike. Neither one of them is willing to back down on much of anything once they get started. And when you're a kid...I think you kinda need to back down a little bit where parents are involved. The less you piss them off, the better. They are the ultimate ruling class, after all.
I thought about asking him again about Joanna, but decided to have a more peaceful day instead. I don't know if I want to know that answer just yet. I'm just going to assume that they're done with, and he's just trying to save face. I don't want that girl anywhere near me. And if Sam is gonna be by her side, then I don't want to be near him either.
I got a call from Jimmy tonight, and he seems to have hit another stage in this whole 'break up' thing. Now he's convinced himself that he's completely over Lee, and doesn't know what he saw in him in the first place. Naturally...he's lying his ass off...but, hey, if that makes him feel better then I'm all for it. I know EXACTLY what he saw in Lee in the first place! He's extremely cute, he's one of the sweetest boy's on the face of the Earth, his personality is flawless even in front of complete strangers, his ass is the perfect shape (and I only got to see it with his pants ON!), he has an amazing heart, an awesome sense of humor...and he let you make out and have SEX with him every Friday night for, like, a fucking MONTH! I'm sure none of those things escaped Jimmy's attention, even in this new defiant frame of mind. I suppose it's better than having him reach for a box of razor blades though, so I sat and listened to him talk about it. He was trying really hard to convince me that he just didn't want to see him anymore. I think he just needs some more time to really move forward. You can't really fake something like that, and you can't necessarily hurry it along either.
Anyway, I'm gonna go. My mom is acting weird again. Not that I'm all about spending every waking moment of my weekend with my mother in the living room, but when she starts locking herself up in her room, I start to get curious. But...you know...whatever.
See ya soon...
- SIMON??? My tutor is SIMON??? Are you fucking kidding me? WHY? That's just not fair! Out of all the people that my Science teacher could have picked to be trapped in the student center with...she picks Simon! ARRRGH!!! I don't wanna talk to him again. He practically 'abandoned' me as a friend when he started suspecting that I was gay. And while that really hurt and angered me at first, I had actually gotten to the point where I didn't care if he ever stepped back across the line of fire and became a part of my life again! I was glad to not have to pretend that it was 'cool' for him to not wanna come over anymore, or associate with a possible 'homo'. And now I'm supposed to sit down with him three times a week and talk about Science? Well, fuck that! I'm not doing it! I'm ditching him the first chance I get. To hell with him. He didn't want any part of Billy Chase, and he's not getting any. Never again.
That frustration aside, I talked to Bobby again before gym. It's our last week of swimming, which means no more peeking around the locker room at a bunch of hot naked teen asses all day long. Especially Bobby's...nothing bounces like that boy's incredibly round ass. Sighhh...be strong, Billy Be strong.
Bobby said, "Hey! What are you doing on Saturday? You wanna hang out?" Which immediately made me a bit nervous, because this was a situation that..while it was way cool and a lot of fun...I was kinda just hoping that it would go away. I mean, if I stay away from Bobby long enough, he'll just get the hint and move on, right? He kinda has to. I don't see him holding onto something that only happened a couple of times. Or at least, that's what I was praying for. I told him that I was going to be really busy this weekend, but he just said, "Well...what about Friday? We won't have as much time, but we can have some 'fun' for about an hour or so."
I'm like, "I dunno...I don't think so."
Then, he says to me...and thank GOD nobody was around to hear this..he says, in this little whine, "Awww, Billy, come on! I've never been fucked before, I wanna try it with you! Come on, come over. Please?" Omigod...dude! Is he for real? Ok, I am happy with Brandon. I'm completely in love with him in every possible way that I could be in love with him. But...there's a cute gay boy with a really tight ass just BEGGING me to come over and fuck him! I mean BEGGING me! He was practically getting the wiggles while he asked me! My body would NOT listen to me! I got sooooo hard right there in the hallway that I could hardly walk. I put my backpack in front of my lap to hide it, but once I got into the gym locker room I was gonna have to be naked in front of everybody! So it's not like I'd be able to conceal it for much longer.
I said, "I....I don't know, Bobby. I'll try, ok?" I ONLY said that because I needed him to stop talking about it, so I could stop thinking about it! That's all.
Then he's like, "Don't be nervous, cutie. You'll be great. You're already my sexual hero!" He grinned, and I thought for a second that he was gonna, like, kiss me on the cheek or something. So I shrugged away from him and he gave me a weird grin. Like *I* was the one being a spaz. This has got to stop. I need to just tell him...I've gotta tell him....um....
That I won't be pushing into that tight, round, plump, juicy, ass of his..no matter how much he begs for it. Oh God...that looks so FAKE in writing! If you had told me a few weeks ago that I'd be turning down a prime piece of boy ass, I would have laughed in your face. Funny how stuff changes.
Speaking about stuff 'changing', I saw Brandon right before school again today. I live to see his face every morning, you know? And he rides up on his bike to lock it up for the day like always. I'm thinking after actually hearing him say the words 'I love you' on Saturday, and the hot time we spent making out in my room, that he'd be...you know...a bit more affectionate. But, if anything, he was even worse today than he was before. He hardly talked to me at ALL at first, and he was afraid to walk close to me, and he was so nervous that it felt like he was just totally ashamed of me. I didn't....I didn't know what to do. He was so cute on Saturday. He was being awesome about it all, and I was thinking that we had worked out the whole problem with him just being shy or whatever. But evidently I was wrong. I didn't think I was being over the top with my 'gayness', or whatever. I mean, geez, I don't want anybody to know either. But that doesn't mean that we can't be friends anymore in school.
And you know what really hurt? He was like, "You know, I've gotta study for a calculus test I've got tomorrow, so...I might not make it to lunch today." What??? He was totally flaking out on me for lunch! I could barely even speak when he said that to me. All I could do was nod my head and pretend that he hadn't just shoved the sharp end of a fucking stick right through my heart! I don't know what his fucking deal is, but I'm getting kinda sick of it now. Does he think he can just kiss me one day, and diss me the next? I mean, what's going on here. I'm gonna ask him about it tomorrow for sure. I'm not gonna let this go on for one more day.
Oh! An interesting tidbit of my evening here at home. I read through Lee's last email, and was charmed all over again. So I answered him back at length, and he happened to be online later than usual. I guess he couldn't sleep or something. We ended up chatting back and forth for almost an hour, and just as I was getting an overdose of his cute little gestures and phrases, he asked me, "So Billy, you wanna catch a movie or something some time?" I don't know why that caught me so off guard. I don't know why it made me shiver a bit in my seat. But it did. Lee and I have been friends for a while now. It shouldn't make me jump when he asks me to go hang out somewhere. But there was a part of my mixed up brain that went directly to that moment when I asked him if he would have fooled around with me if I were in Jimmy's place. I remember exactly what he said. He said 'definitely'. Not 'I don't know', not 'maybe', not 'why would you ask me such a freaky question?'...he said 'definitely'. As much as I had pushed that idea out of my mind, it was quick to push its way back to the front of my thoughts anytime the idea of us spending time together came up. It actually took me a few seconds to answer that question, as I felt a pinch of excitement go through me. It was silly, I know. But it felt like he had just asked me out on a 'date' or something.
I didn't want him to think anything of it though. I said, "Yeah, that would be cool. I'll see what's playing next weekend."
And he was like, "Sweet! Well, I'll talk to you then!" And I was glad to end that conversation before my thoughts got the best of me. I can be so damn weird sometimes.
Alright, I'm going to bed. It's late, and I've gotta get my sleep so I can give Brandon both barrels tomorrow if I have to. Wish me luck!