- It's been a really weird day today. I don't know how to really handle some of the stuff that's going on in this house right now. I have to admit, I feel really guilty about the way I'm feeling. It burns inside, you know? Mostly because I feel like a total heel for not wanting to deal with it. See....my mom has been really upset all day today. After the big announcement on Friday and me walking out of the house without a word yesterday...I think she thinks I'm mad at her. Or maybe she's mad at me. Shit..I don't really know. But I'm kinda scared to find out. Because neither one is gonna turn out to be a good situation for either of us.
She's been in her room most of the day, except for a short time when she was cooking something for lunch. I'm pretty sure that I heard her crying. I mean, actually crying. Sniffles and everything. And her eyes have been red and swollen all day too. Is that because of me? Or because of what Dad did? Or is it both? Shit...I'm being stupid and selfish, aren't I? I should go into her room and, like, 'hug' her or something. Or at least do something to keep her mind off of her troubles. I just....I don't know how. It's strange, but after having her spend so much time and effort taking care of me, I never really prepared myself for a time when I might actually have to take care of her. What if I hug her, and she leans over my shoulder and really starts bawling or something? What do I do? Do I just...kinda...say 'there, there' and pat her on the shoulder? Do I give her some big 'life lesson learned' speech and then offer to bake some of her favorite cookies to make her feel better? I don't even know HOW to bake cookies! I never thought that this would be a difficult thing to figure out. So.....yeah, I'll confess...I just kinda avoided it altogether. I didn't wanna be around it. At least not yet. Not now. Not until I have some kind of game plan. I'll think of something. Until then....um...I'll just leave her alone. Or...or something Yeah.
I talked to Brandon on the phone this afternoon. He was one of those magical heaven sent blessings that totally made things easier around here today. You know, I swear that I can still taste him when I lick the roof of my mouth? I'm SERIOUS! I'm like...amazed that I actually got to wrap my tongue around that big hard thing in his pants! AHHHHH!!!! I wanna fucking SCREAM every time I think about it! Hehehe!
Hold on a second. I've gotta slide down to the floor so I can...'wiggle' without slipping off the bed.
Brandon calls me up today, and I'm totally thankful for the distraction because my house was like a tomb at the time. And he sounded so SHY when he said hello! You know how CRAZY I get when someone that awesome gets all bashful around me! It's like he didn't know how I was gonna react to him after having his succulent meat sliding against my tongue!!! Sighhh...GOD, I honestly can't believe he's mine! He was like, giggling a little bit and I swear that I could see his smile through the phone. It was adorable. Anyway, he's like, "Billy...I really can't stop thinking about you right now. I mean...dude, I've gotta see you. Like....now."
And I asked him, "Where do you wanna go?"
But HE says, "I don't wanna go anywhere, really. I mean....um....er..." And then he's like, "...I just...wanna be alone with you for a while. You know...to kinda finish what we started yesterday?" If only I had the words to describe how amazingly cute he was about asking me! It's like..he was asking if we could....hehehe, you KNOW! Geez, I can't even write it down in this book! What is that about? Am I blushing right now? I don't know why. I've had sex before. With TWO people now! And I kinda got to suck Brandon for almost a whole minute, but I didn't get to see him totally naked or anything. So he doesn't count yet. Still, for some reason, this is totally different. It's like...I dunno....sacred or something. Like, I can't just wanna have sex with Brandon, and then go 'do it'. Brandon's MORE than that. He's someone that I want to kiss, and hold, and sorta...laugh with and stuff. Don't get me wrong! If he gives me the opportunity, I'll suck him DRY whenever he has enough juice to give me! I'd fuck him all day long, have a cheeseburger, and then go back for seconds! No doubt about it! But....I don't know...he's too sweet to just be my 'release', you know? I really want our sex to be special.
Hehehe, I know, that just looks weird. But I don't know how else to say it. He's not just my boyfriend...he's my sweetheart. He's like...my first 'love'.
Ugh! I SO can't believe that I'm blushing right now! I'm such a dork!
So I say, "Yeah...I wanna be alone with you too. I mean...yesterday was...'cool'." Sorry, that's an exact quote. 'Cool' was all I could think of. Sighhh, I hope someday, when I'm older and much more suave with every romantic word that I say to my lover on the phone...I look back at this book and laugh at how BAD I was at trying to be smooth! Arrrgh!
He says, "I've been dreaming about being with you every single second since. I want...I want to know if maybe we can get together. Soon."
And I told him, "I can come over, if you want. I'll come right now!" I was shaking inside, hard as a rock, nervous and excited at the same time.
He was like, "My mom is home right now. She almost never goes out on Sundays, so I don't think we'll have any privacy."
I said, "Can't we, like, just go in your room and shut the door or something? We can turn the music on real loud or something."
But he said, "No way, my mom is majorly nosey. She'll be peeking in every ten minutes to find out why we're not talking or something. It'll be weird." Brandon asked me, "What about your house? Are your parents home?"
Fuck! This was the WRONG time for my mom to have a meltdown! I had to tell him, "Uhhhh...actually, we can't do it over here. Things are kinda weird with my mom at the moment. It's a long story."
He whispered, "Shit...um...hold on a sec, ok?" He put he phone down, and I heard him talking to his mom in the background. I seriously think he was trying to get her to leave the house for JUST a little while! Wow...he wanted me bad. ME! I was literally melting right there on the floor!
He came back to the phone so frustrated. "Ugh! Billy, isn't there anywhere in your house where you think we could...just..."
"Um..." I thought about it. I thought HARD! I mean, my mom WAS in her room most of the day. And she didn't really talk to me a whole lot. If we had company....maybe she'd try even harder to not be out in the open, you know? I was willing to do almost ANYTHING at his point to be with my baby! Seriously, I even considered taking money out of my mom's purse to see if we could get a hotel or something. Wait...I don't think we can do that. Dammit! How do teenagers find places to have some dirty sex these days? Is it really supposed to be this difficult! Why the hell do parents have to be AROUND all the time?!?!? "...Actually....I'm sorry, Brandon. I don't think we can play it off if you came over." I said, and he grunted a bit, and I made sure to whine, "I'm sorry, ok?"
And he was like, "Awww, Billy...don't worry about it. Really. Ok? I just..I miss kissing you. I've been itching to kiss or touch you all day. It's driving me insane right now. Hehehe!" God, he's even cute when I frustrate him and let him down! However, he kinda scared me when he said, "What about Bobby? Do you think he could let us use his house?"
AAAHHHHHH!!! "NO!!!" I said out loud, hushing myself immediately after. "I...I mean...that wouldn't be...well...that would be awkward. I mean...doing stuff over at Bobby's house? Don't you think that would be weird?" Please say yes, please say yes!
"Yeah, you're right. Forget it. That's lame." Thank GOD! "Ok...what about tomorrow? We could ditch the last few classes of the day, and you could come over here. We'd have the whole house to ourselves for, like, hours! Do you wanna do that?"
"HELL YEAH!!!" I squealed, but then I thought twice about it. "Oh...wait..I can't."
He was like, "Why not?"
And I told him, "It's my teacher. She's making me do this after school tutor thing with Simon every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I tried to ditch it last week, and my mom totally flipped out on me. She would really bring the hammer down if she found out I ditched classes on top of it. I've GOTTA go, no way around it." He sighed a bit, and I was so desperate to kiss him again and finally fulfill every fantasy of being with Brandon that I ever had...that I was totally about to give in. Then I said, "What about Tuesday? I can come over on Tuesday. We can sneak out during lunch, and then we can just....not come back. What do you say? Do you wanna?"
And he was giggling again. "Yeah! That'd be awesome! I'll....um...well, we'll do it! Tuesday!" He laughed some more, and told me, "Dude, we totally just made a date to have sex! Hahaha!"
It was hilarious the way he said it, and I agreed that we were being weird, but...wow! You know? Just...wow! We were really gonna do it! Shit! I've gotta go back to that online message board and see if I can pick up some sex tip stuff. I want Tuesday to be an afternoon that Brandon will never forget! Never! Hehehe, I CAN'T wait!
Shit, ok, my mom just opened up a bottle of wine in the kitchen. I know that sound. Whenever I hear the cork being popped, it means that I should stay far away from her and her strange behavior for a while. Besides, the chance for her to start crying again is pretty high. I think I'm gonna put my headphones on and just drown the world out for a while. I know....sighhh...like I said, it's selfish for me to think this way. But I should be HAPPY right now, right? I mean...things are going GREAT with me and Brandon, and I'm so grateful for that. I just...I don't wanna 'hurt' right now. I don't wanna think about my parents and their impending divorce. It's not fair that I should have this weight on my chest when I should be walking on air with my boyfriend. Dammit....I don't know what to think. So..I'm just gonna put my earphones on and fade away for a bit. That's all
Sam called earlier today, but I must have missed it or something. I don't think I even heard the phone ring. I don't know why he just didn't get to me online tonight or something, but whatever. I'll see him tomorrow in school. I'll eat lunch with him and find out what's up.
I've gotta go. See ya soon!
-Billy (Male Giggolo! ::Snickers::)