- Ugh! DAMN I missed writing in this book over the last couple of days! My gandparents came to stay at our house for a while before they take their vacation out of town. It was good to see them and all, but I pretty much had to be EXTRA straight while they were here in the house with me. Especially on Tuesday when my grandmother saw me writing in this book and asked me what I was doing. She's like the whole Scooby Doo gang rolled into one when it comes to being nosey! Nothing could made me more nervous than having her in the same house as this book! I was scared to take it to school, but I was TERRIFIED to leave it here in my room during the day when my grandmother has nothing better to do than go through my stuff and 'accidently' come across it. I wish had a lock on this thing.
Anyway, I did the only thing I could do to protect my secrets. I buried it. I buried it DEEP underneath a heavy box of clothes, in the BACK of my closet, wrapped in a plastic bag, with dirty socks on top of it, taped closed with packing tape! My hope was that even if she DID find it, by the time she had gotten it open, I'd be home from school and could snatch it back and run before she read a single word.
So, it's been three days, and I'm so glad to get back to writing things down. I've really grown fond of this book, you know?
Thank God it's Friday! I truly needed a weekend. There's just this constant yearning for it that starts every week around Wednesday morning, and it gets stronger the closer you get to 3:30 Friday afternoon. It seems like it's NEVER gonna come....then...the weekend...the glorious weekend. Sunshine, sleeping late, junkfood....sighhhh. Then, in a blink, it's gone. And the process starts all over again. I'd much rather do two days of school and five days of actual 'living'...but I guess that's never gonna happen.
Jimmy LaPlane didn't come to school at all today. In fact, his attendance has been kinda sketchy at best since that fight he had last week. I know he didn't get suspended, (Jimmy LaPlane? Suspended? Unheard of...) so I'm assuming he ditched. Probably still embarrassed by the beating he took. I saw him yesterday, and he still had a dark ring under his left eye. That guy really must have leaned into that punch. It just looks like it hurt. You know, I don't usually talk to Jimmy a whole lot, but if he comes back to school on Monday, maybe I could at least show him a LITTLE bit of...um...I guess 'kindness' is the word I'm looking for. Or...maybe it's 'pity'. I don't know. But despite the fact that I hardly know him and mostly use whatever 'socially polite' ways I can come up with to avoid him at all costs, there's a part of me that feels the need to shoot him a smile after all this. I mean, there's gotta be SOME level of human kindness that allows us to sympathize with those of us who fall behind in the race once in a while. I doubt it will do him much good, but I don't want to be one of those other kids that just turns their backs on him and pretends he doesn't exist. Or worse, the ones that face forward and laugh at him and his problems without any shame. It's so wrong. He's a human being for crying outloud. So what if he doesn't come off as 'cool' as the rest of the high school 'aristocrats'. What makes THEM so high and mighty anyway? Really. It's gotta really suck for Jimmy to come here each and every day, thinking that everybody hates him or that there's something wrong with him and that's why people pick on him. It's not fair, you know?
I can't really expect anyone else to take the initiative. So I guess I'll do it. I'll be nice to him when he comes back. It doesn't hurt to TALK to him once in a while. He's not THAT bad.
That aside...I saw Brandon getting his stuff to leave the library today when I walked in. And you know what he did? He stayed. It really caught me by surprise, and I didn't say anything about it to him, but he was obviously getting ready to leave. But when he saw me, he sorta...'stopped' packing up, and made it look like he was going to stay for a bit longer. Something about that made him so cute to me. It actually made me giggle a bit to myself while I was talking to him. Over the last two or three days, our conversations have been getting a bit longer than usual. It's, like...more comfortable for us or something. And it just felt good to be able to look directly at him without having to 'peek' and hope he doesn't notice. He's really cute, you know that? Did you know that his eyelashes look just a LITTLE bit longer than normal? Like, not in a monsterous, freaky way...but just long enough to stick out if you're looking close enough. (And I was!) Everytime he blinked, his eyes would shine just a bit brighter, and it would make me...well...horny. Not that it takes much to make me horny these days. Oh! And his lips are so cool when he smiles. Like...perfect. You just wanna touch them with your finger while he's talking....um...which would be really weird. Hehehe! He must have thought I was acting strange, because I was feeling pretty awkward at the time, and there were a few times when I couldn't get my mouth to actually speak the words in my brain without stumbling over every single word. But we had a nice talk about school and stuff....you know, those little 'bitch sessions' that you have with somebody, talking about all the shit you hate about a similar topic? Just to get it off of your chest. I think Brandon likes our Biology class about as much as I do. Which is a middle ground between hating it like a kick in the nuts, and having it be 'tolerable' torture on a daily basis.
After the bell rang, our conversation felt...incomplete somehow. Like it could have gone on forever if we weren't suddenly ripped apart by our obligation to go to the next class. I think he felt the same way too, because we simply didn't want to stop. It sucked. But I actually blushed when he said, "See ya 'round." Sighhh...that's just how he said it. I don't know why that was so cute...but it was. I guess you had to be there. Brandon is a real sweetheart, you know? I feel like an idiot for not talking to him much sooner.
Anyway, I've got a paper to finish in the next two days. Of course, I had two weeks to do it, but what's life without hours and hours of endless procrastination? I should probably get started on that before bed. Besides, I've been sharing my room with my grandfather for three days now, and he snores like an 800 pound tranquilized gorilla!!! It'll be nice to go back to sleeping without the walls vibrating violently from the sound of it.
- Even though today was, like, a lazy weekend day, I still feel really good about it. Get this...so I went with Sam to the mall today because he was looking for a new video game and decided to raid the used budget bin to pick up more than one. Naturally, the mall is full of fun, friends, and some incredibly HOT 'boy-candy'. So I had no problem making the decision to go at all. I saw some really cute guys there, but the one that caught my eye the most was this one guy that was working in the athletic shoe store at the end of the West wing. Oh man!!! Talk about love at first sight! He had dark sandy blond hair, and frosted tips, and it looked like he had these green contacts in that were just...mmmmm! He was older than me, maybe 19 or 20, but GOD was he slim and sexy and...HOT! I was able to ditch Sam for a few minutes to go over and 'browse' for a few seconds, hoping that he would ask me for help. I passed him a couple of times, getting as close as I could without bumping into him. I think he was kinda new there, and he was wearing just a hint of cologne. Or maybe it was aftershave. He didn't look like he shaved at all, but if he did, I'm sure it wasn't very often. He finally came over and asked me if I was looking for anything specific, and his voice was so deep, so soothing and smooth...wow. If only I had the balls to kiss him right there in the store....
I was almost upset when Sam found me standing next to him, pretending to be looking for a sports jersey, and walked over to drag me off. It's not like I could put up too much resistance. I mean, I couldn't just say, "Slow down Sam, I'm trying to get a good look at this boy's ass before we go." Somehow, I think he'd suspect something was wrong with that. So I had to leave my beauty behind, but at least it was thrilling for a couple of minutes.
It's weird, but I was kinda hoping that we'd run into some people that we knew from school at the mall. We didn't, but I was hoping. Too bad. There's something so...'satisfying' about being seen in public with your best friend and having a good time outside of school, you know? It's like this unspoken conversation that says, "I'm out here having a social life too, just like you." It makes me feel like a link in the chain, a part of the popular culture that is 'the teenage life'. And when other people you know see you there, it's almost like...I dunno...you feel just a bit cooler than you did before. Maybe I'm just being odd, who knows?
Unfortunately...there was only one person that I knew in the whole mall. Well, I can't really say that I KNEW him, and certainly couldn't say that he knew me...but he's been a part of me ever since I first 'discovered' him. The one and only Jamie Cross, of course. And all that 'coolness' went right out the window. Believe it or not, this was one of those rare moments when I wasn't happy to see him there. I can't explain why...but it kinda depressed me, to be honest. Sam and I were in the food court at the time, and we had split up to order our food from two different places. Well, Sam got to a table first, and I caught an eyefull of Jamie and some of his friends as I made my way over to join him. Instead of being overjoyed and lovey dovey and excited to see him, I felt...naked. Just...weird, and helpless, and ugly. I didn't know Jamie was gonna fucking be there! Why couldn't I have done something extra with my hair? Why couldn't I have dressed a little better? Everything felt wrong, and awkward, and I just wanted to hide before he saw me. Not possible, since Sam decided to seat us way out in the 'open' like that. If Jamie turned his head just a few degrees to his left, he would be able to spot me easily. And here I am, ugly, and unprepared, and unable to even SAY anything to him because Sam is right here 'supervising' everything about me that could even be remotely gay. I'm not saying that Jamie isn't still one of the most mouthwatering boys on the planet...I just wish I had a little bit of warning. That's all.
I tried to eat my food, I tried to keep up with Sam's conversation, I tried to concentrate on NOT staring over Sam's shoulder every few seconds to see what Jamie was doing. But I couldn't help it. I'm ADDICTED, you understand? I was sitting a good distance away from him, but could almost taste my tongue against his lips from there. GOD...what I wouldn't give to kiss that boy, JUST once! I was so jealous of his friends! I mean, these people get to be in his presence all the time. They get to have Jamie notice them and accept them as a part of his world. They get to laugh with him, and know him, and touch him whenever they want to. Sometimes...I wonder if they know how damn sexy he is and how graced they are to even be in his presence. I would PAY to be that close to him! Look at him...those light ice blue eyes coming into clear view with nothing more than the cute little toss of his blond hair. Wow...
Sometimes it really hurts to have him exist around me. I know that sounds strange, but it's the absolute truth. I ache for him in a way that I can't ever explain or understand. There's only one thing that I hate more than WANTING him soooooo bad....and that's the fact that it feels so good. It feels GOOD to lay your eyes on the one thing on this planet that can make your life seem like it finally has a single path and a purpose. And that purpose is to acquire the love and passion of this one particular person, giving as much in return as you possibly can, for as long as you live. Sighhh....one of these days, I'm going to know better. I miss being sane.
There's nothing going on tonight, and Sam already came over and left after playing the games he bought this afternoon. So it looks like the rest of the night is going to be pretty empty. I suppose I COULD finish that report of mine...but let's be honest here...it's SATURDAY! I'll be damned if I'm caught doing homework on saturday. That's more of a Sunday thing. There's just something blasphemous about homework on a Saturday night, you know?
Anyway, I'll write more later. Adios!
- Sooooooo tired! Sunday was an even lazier day than yesterday, so I didn't get back to working on that paper until about 9 o'clock at night. And MAN...that took a lot longer to do than I thought it would have! Geez! I suppose that's why they gave us two weeks to do it instead of three days. It's like 2 AM right now, and my mom has already tried to force me to go to bed twice. It took me THAT long to finish that paper, some of it so boring that it nearly put me to sleep three times. But at least it's finished and out of my hair now. I'm gonna make this entry kinda short, cause I've gotta get up early for school tomorrow.
Oooh! I had the most UNBELIEVABLE dream about Brandon last night! Omigod, when I woke up today, it was like, 'burned' into my mind. Forever. I could remember every detail. It was me and him, and we were talking to each other out in the park, but for some reason...our whole science class was there. They were spread out all over the place, kinda like a field trip or something, and Brandon was talking to me about....stuff. Whatever. He was smiling, and his hazel eyes were sparkling, and the wind was kinda lifting up his light brown hair from his forehead...it was just really cool, you know? Well, I start giggling again, and he whispered something that I can't quite remember. Then...he leaned over and kissed me on the lips! Brandon! The 'prettiest' boy in school! Hehehe! It was so WILD! The kiss was so delicate and gentle that I could barely feel it on my lips. It was just one of those classic, heartbursting, 'dream kisses'. Then he carefully leaned me back on the ground and laid down on top of me to kiss me some more. I swear, it was so REAL! My hands on his back, and him between my legs...'pushing'. Oh wow, it was awesome. But then I remembered that we were out in the open where everyone could see us. So I told him to follow me someplace else. We tried hiding behind a tree, which was still pretty much out in the open, and started kissing again, but someone came over, so we had to stop. We tried over by the courtyard, but there were more people around. We moved to go around the corner of this building, but there were people playing over there too. So, throughout the entire dream, we never found a place to make out, but we kept trying. And that was the most erotic part of the whole dream. Just knowing that he wanted to kiss ME! Just knowing that the second we got a place to be alone, that I'd be able to 'have' him. I liked that.
Well, the dream was interrupted somewhere in the middle, with me kissing him hard while kneeling down behind a parked car in the parking lot. Probably just waiting for another person to walk by and ruin our fun. When I woke up, my heart was racing, I was hard and ready to blow...spasming, and breathing hard, and one stroke away from a sticky mess. But the weird thing is...all I could do is smile. Smile and absorb the exhilirating feeling of being fulfilled by something so unexpected, and yet so comfortable. My entire body was tingling. Even writing about it now, I feel waves of it surging through me. Even NOW I'm smiling! I have no idea what I'm going to say to him when I see him tomorrow. I hope I don't blush! I HATE blushing when I'm trying not to look...um...crazy!
So...Brandon has now joined the 'wet dream' club. Weird. But I suppose that's what I get for staring into his eyes the other day. I like him, I really do. But I should seriously stay focused on Simon for the time being.
Alright, I said I'd keep it short, so I'll just end this here. I'm gonna try to get at least a few hours of sleep tonight, and maybe find that private place in my dreams where Brandon and I can do some heavy tongue wrestling. Wish me luck! Later!