"Billy Chase #118"


- Ever since my mom and I had that....um....'thing'....that...moment yesterday....she's been kinda avoiding me.

I mean...did I do something wrong? I was trying to.....COMFORT her, you know? But now she's like...embarrassed, or something. I think that maybe I fucked up somewhere. Maybe I hugged her wrong or something I don't know. Geez, I can't even do that right. I hope she gives me the benefit of the doubt and realizes that I'm kind new at this sorta thing.

Awww dude...I'm so lame. Did I screw up things with my mom??? I SUCK!

Well, today has been somewhat 'interesting', despite the fact that I'm the worst son ever spawned on this Earth to his own mother. Sighhhh....

I don't even know where to begin really. Well....let's start with Jimmy..who's not talking to me, by the way. I mean that. He passed me three times in the hallway today, and didn't have anything to say to me. In fact, he went out of his way to avoid even looking at me. And that's SO unfair! I can't just be expected to stop talking to Lee (The most sensually gifted boy on Earth) just because he doesn't like him any more. What kinda shit is that? At one point, Jimmy snubbed me in the hall, and I said out loud, "Aw Jimmy, come ON!" But he didn't say anything to me at all! We're just going to a movie, for Christ sake! It's not like me and Lee are gonna go back to my house and screw like jack rabbits while we laugh at his attempt to be a straight guy's boyfriend. But...I don't know, I guess he's mad at me.

I wonder if I can just...deal with it until this weekend and see the movie with Lee, and then just promise not to see him any more after that? Arrgh! Hell, I can't really promise that either! I LIKE Lee! Ever since he started sending me those long emails, I've been, like...more connected to him than ever before. He's sweet, and funny, and just a really cool guy to talk to. He just...happened to experiment sexually with someone who fell hard for his charms, that's all. He's not SATAN! He's not being a total ass about it either. He apologized! And he feels really bad about it too. Even when he's apologizing he's cute. But I don't want Jimmy to be pissed at me for the rest of my life. I don't want him thinking that I 'betrayed' him on purpose. I've just gotta talk to him some time soon and straighten this all out. There's gotta be a middle ground somewhere.

Somewhere where I don't have to give up spending time with a bonafide hottie every now and then. Hehehe, geez, I'm such a nerd.

Speaking of hotties, I completely made sure to avoid running into the gravitational pull of Sam and Joanna's 'lunch invitation' today, and met Brandon outside this time. We're really not supposed to go out to the football field bleachers to eat lunch, but we went anyway, just to get some privacy. Luckily nobody else was around at the time, even though you could occasionally find a few beer cans, cigarette butts, marijuana stems, and the ever popular used condom, underneath the bleachers we were sitting on. So it's not like we were the only ones who ever thought of going there for some quiet time.

Anyway, Brandon was in a really talkative mood today, which really just turned me on more than ever. Hehehe, his voice drives me crazy when he's chattering away like that. I was smiling dreamily at him the whole time. He says that people are still recognizing him from the party this past weekend. I think he likes the attention. He's so happy that he got to go. Even happier that he got to go as my 'date' for the evening. Hehehe, God, he's so ADORABLE sometimes!

You know what he said to me? I told him that I would have killed my own grandmother to go to a Jamie Cross party, and now I can say that I've been to one, and he's like, "I know why you wanted to go!" And he grins all wicked at me, and gives me this 'look'.

So I'm like, "What?"

And he's like, "You know you want him, dude! Don't even PRETEND that you don't!"

So I'm like, "Fuck yeah! Hehehe, don't you?"

And he blushed a little and confessed. "Yeah, I do. I had my first wet dream about him."

I was like, "NO WAY! Are you serious?" And he nodded his head.

He said, "Yep. He went to my Junior High School too. I would always stare at him and think about what it would be like to kiss him all day long. He was just...awesome, you know?" I saw him get all hazy on me and I gave him a shove. "Hehehehe! Don't worry, don't worry! Nothing is better than my Billy. I'm just saying..."

"Well, maybe we can work out a threesome for the next party." I said, and his jaw dropped at the thought of me blurting it out like that, so he shoved me back.

"What-ever." And then he said, "You know who else I always thought was cute? Kyle."

And I'm like, "Kyle? The one in my gym class?"

"Yeah, the one you punched in the mouth, ya big bruiser!"

I'm like, "You LIKE him?"

And he's all, "I said he was CUTE, I didn't say I liked him. He's got this..I dunno, this thing he does with his eyes sometimes when he's just talking. It's so cute, I love it." It was fun to compare notes for a while. But then...he said, "Oh yeah....and Bobby Jinette, kinda."

That kinda made me freeze up a bit. Suddenly, my mind started cycling through ways that I might be able to completely change the subject. I just gave him a weak giggle and said, "Oh....really? Yeah, that's cool." I took a bite of my sandwich and thought that it might be a couple of seconds while I found a slick way of bringing up some other random topic of conversation.

No luck. He said, "Yeah, and I'm pretty sure that he liked me too for a little while. I mean, we talked and stuff, and I thought about maybe 'doing stuff' with him...but I never got the nerve." He smiled and turned even more red than he was before, but I was kinda scared to look him in the eye because I thought he might see something in my eyes' reflection that I didn't want him to see, you know? Then he's like, "He's cool to have as a friend and all, but I just didn't want to go down that road and have to deal with all of that leftover stuff. But we did kinda go out on a date or two."

That surprised me. "You went out on a date? With BOBBY?"

And he said, "Yeah, once or twice." Then he changed his mind. "Well, it wasn't really a 'date'. I mean, we were just kinda feeling each other out. Because he thought I was cute, and I thought he was cute, and we were both hoping the other one was gay. And, hey...it turns out we both were! Go figure."

"Oh..." As though I could have any larger response than that.

So, he's like, "But it didn't mean anything. We talked, and we're just not meant to be. Besides...I was already in love." He put his hand on my leg and smiled at me. "With you."

I remember getting this tremble inside, and didn't know if I was scared that he'd find out what I did, or if I was just soaring from the sweet comment. But it made me turn my head and take another bite of my sandwich. My brain doesn't work right under certain degrees of pressure. Then, he leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. I had my mouth full, but asked him, "What was that for?"

And he said, "I don't know. Just couldn't help myself." Then he paused, and added, "One thing that I've gotta admit though. Bobby Jinette has the roundest, tightest, juiciest ASS that I've ever SEEN!" I nearly spit out what was left of my sandwich when he said that. Hehehe, I had to cover my mouth with my hand just to hold it in. He laughed at me, "Hahaha! It's TRUE! Come on, you KNOW it's true!" I nodded as I tried to swallow as quickly as I could So I could breathe again. "I just want to shove my face in it every time I see him! Jesus!"

Finally, I was able to talk. "Hehehe, DON'T make me laugh when I'm chewing!" I giggled. He asked me again to confess, and I did. "Yeah, he does have a sweet ass, doesn't he?" And he said, "Dude, it makes me horny just THINKING about it. That ass alone almost made me his boyfriend." Ok, I really needed this conversation to end. And soon. Luckily for me we didn't have much time left in our lunch period anyway, but I was treading in dangerous waters here. Breaking things off with Bobby is already going to be difficult. But coming clean with my boyfriend about what I did...? I don't see that happening. Not ever. I definitely don't wanna deal with that.

That was pretty much it for today. I went to my tutoring session with Simon, but it wasn't anything special. Besides, I think he's coming down with a cold or something, so he wasn't really in the mood to do much more than give me some exercises and go over the answers. When I think about it, he really isn't a bad tutor. My grades did go up since he's been helping me, even though I didn't really think that I needed his help at first. And...sometimes I still think he's beautiful. He's got amazing lips, you know that? They're really red, and they have the cutest little 'dip' in the middle. But....let me get away from this book before I get into any more of that kinda talk. It's already gotten me into more trouble than it's worth.

Gotta run, see ya soon!


Thanks so much for reading! Be sure to keep checking in on Billy's new journal entries every Tuesday and Thursday, as there is MUCH more to come! Feel free to let me know what you think at Comicality@webtv.net or stop by the website at http://comicality.gayauthors.org and say hello! There are a LOT of stories waiting for you there! Hehehe! Seezya! :)