- I wish there was a name for that weird feeling you get in your stomach when you're really anxious to see how something is gonna turn out...but you're kind of expecting it to be bad. I had that feeling in my gut a few times today. It's just hard to put it into words, I suppose.
My mom made me breakfast this morning, but went to go back into her room right after she set it on the table. I'm trying really hard not to take this kinda thing personally, but it's hard to do when she's practically keeping her distance from me on purpose. I did talk to her a little bit here and there, but she only answered with the most basic words and phrases. The kind of responses you reserve for some weird stranger on the public bus who decided to tell you his life story while waiting for his liquor high to sober up. I wish I had just stuck to my original plan and ran out of the house when things got nasty the other day. I disrupted the whole mother and son emotional balance by assuming a role that I had no right to take. I'm not...'man of the house', or anything. Am I? I doubt it. I wouldn't know what to do if I was. I think I should just stay out of her way for as much as possible until this passes over. Maybe she'll, like, forget or something.
Well...a sacrifice has been made today. I caved into terrorist pressure, and gave up my position. God, that sucks!
I'm talking, of course, about my big movie date with Lee tomorrow. Jimmy just refused to talk to me, he looked like he was either gonna burst into tears of despair or burst into flames of pure hatred every time our eyes connected...and when I finally got him to stop and talk to me, I couldn't think of another way out. I don't know why he was being such a spoiled little brat about this, but...I was trying really hard not to be an asshole here. I HATE it when other people are mad at me. It's like...all I can think about, and I end up being totally MISERABLE..even if it's their fault! It just sucks, you know?
So I stop Jimmy and ask him, "Dude, what the hell do I have to do to keep you from hating me so much?"
He's all, "You KNOW what you have to do. But...whatever. You're just gonna go do whatever you want, so who cares?" Which he TOTALLY didn't mean.
So I sighed out loud and tried to tell him, "Dude, Lee is my friend. I can't just back out on our plans for the weekend at the last minute. He's expecting me to go."
But Jimmy's like, "Yeah, well I expected him to care enough about me to not purposely shred my heart into bits and pieces. I guess life just sucks, huh?"
I told him, "I didn't have anything to DO with that. Jimmy, why are you being like this? I can't be some weird part of your 'revenge' plot against Lee, that's not cool at all."
He says, "It's not 'revenge'..."
And I say, "Yes it IS 'revenge', and you know it. You think you can just make him suffer more for what he did if I turn against him too. But I'm not gonna do it."
I think that really hurt Jimmy's feelings. If only I could physically scrub the memory of the look in his eyes out of my head, I would. His bottom lip quivered a little bit, and he whimpered out, "Fine. Do what you want I don't care." Gee, let me guess...he didn't really mean THAT either? Arrrgh!
He started to walk away from me, and I saw him wipe his eyes with the back of his hand. I walked behind him for a few steps and said, "Come on, Jimmy...I'm not trying to take sides here!" But he kept walking. "Dude...he already APOLOGIZED to you, like, a hundred times! He didn't mean for things to turn out the way they did! PLEASE don't make do this!" He still didn't stop. He didn't even turn around. Finally...as a last minute effort to at least get his attention, I blurted out, "FINE! I won't go! Ok?" Jimmy stopped walking then, and he turned around to look at me. He had actual tears on his face, and I felt totally 'bullied' into saying what I said...but now that it was out there, I had to kinda keep my word.
He mumbled, "Don't say it if you don't mean it, Billy."
And I'm like, "I WANT to go! But..." He was sooooo hurt, what was I gonna do? I couldn't just diss him and go partying with the source of his heartache. "...If you're that hurt over it...then I won't go. Ok?"
It was the first bit of hope and friendship that I had seen in his eyes all week. He's like, "You promise?"
I hated this soooo much! "Yes, I promise. Are you happy now?"
I swear to you, Jimmy walked back and gave me a big hug right there in the hallway, and I nearly dropped my backpack from the initial impact of it He just says, "Thank you, Billy. You don't know how much this means to me."
Yeah, well I know what it meant to ME!!! And Jimmy just fucked up a perfectly planned night at the movies with a really cute boy that he got to sleep with already! Dammit...he SO owes me for this one!
Today at lunch, I saw Brandon heading down to the cafeteria, and quickly snuck over to grab his arm. He kinda laughed at me a little bit because he didn't see the need for any sudden 'escapes', but the LAST thing I needed was for Sam to see me and force me to verbally turn down another lunch date. I whisked Brandon away, and we hiked back out to the football field bleachers. I really liked that place, now that we were starting a habit of going out there. It's so much more private than the front lawn or the courtyard. I never get a chance to talk to Brandon 'freely', you know? I can't just be myself without having to look over my shoulder to see who's listening. Even at home when I'm the phone with him, I'm always worried that my mom is listening at the door. Or that she'll walk by my room at just the wrong moment when I say something 'gay', and then I'll have her investigating every little thing I do or say. I just...I like being able to say what comes to mind without it having to pass through that tiresome 'hetero-speak' filter, you know?
He asked me why I was being so weird around the cafeteria, and I told him about how Sam was mad at me for not hanging out. I completely expected Brandon to be on my side about the whole thing and just shrug it off as Sam being a big 'child' about it all. But surprisingly, after a few seconds of silence, Brandon said, "You should go."
And I'm like, "What?"
And he's like, "Seriously. You should go spend a lunch period with Sam. I mean, he's your best friend, right? So go. I don't mind."
That was SO not the point. I was kinda surprised. I didn't want to spend time eating Fritos and fidgeting in my seat as I watched Joanna and Sam talk about...'stuff' that didn't concern my growing love for the boy sitting next to me. I told him, "Dude, I don't wanna eat with them. It'll be weird."
He asked, "How is it gonna be weird?"
I'm like, "Because...she'll be there. 'Staring' at me." I don't think it was enough to convince him, and Brandon gave me a sideways look. "Besides...it's just gonna be a reminder of everything that happened. You know...with the whole stealing my girl thing."
Brandon smirked. "Oh yeah, Billy. That's what it is. Because I'm sure that you and Joanna would have gone on to be a part of the 'greatest love of all', and had many beautiful babies together as you got married and lived happily ever after. If only it hadn't been for that straight boy's diabolical plan to ruin your future." He giggled to himself, and I tried not to smile, but everything about Brandon is contagious when you're near him.
"Don't make fun of me." I said. "It's just gonna be awkward and strange, and I don't know why I'd wanna trade my time with you for that potential train wreck of an afternoon."
He batted his eyes at me and said, "How flattering. It is SO good to be loved."
And I shoved him a bit, "Quit it! Do you get some kinda JOY out of teasing me?"
He's like, "Definitely." But after another few seconds, he told me, "Seriously though...go. Just sit in for a day or two. Eat lunch, have a conversation. If that's all it takes to make your best friend happy...why not?"
I had the feeling that he was practically pushing me to do it. I asked him, "Will you come with me?"
And he's like, "Hell no!" Which shocked me yet again.
I said, "WHAT??? Why not?"
He smiled and said, "It'll be awkward and strange, that's why. Besides, Sam doesn't even like me. Sam never liked me. At first, I was convinced that you and he were...like...you know...."
I wrinkled up my forehead for a second. "That me and Sam were what?"
And Brandon blushed, and was like, "I thought you guys were, like, 'together'. I figured I was intruding or something."
I was like, "Hehehe, awwww...I'm sorry. Sam doesn't mean to be rude. He's just protective of me, I guess."
And he said, "All the more reason for you to spend a little time being his best friend again." Then he gave me the most adorable look, and he's like, "I know what it's like to be away from you for a long period of time...it sucks. I wouldn't wish that on anybody." Ugh! I just remember our eyes connecting, and we stared at one another for a moment or two...each one of us daring the other to lean forward. JUST an inch closer and we would have been making out for the rest of the lunch period. And yet, even though the football field was pretty private, we were still outside in the open. A quick kiss on the cheek and a held hand was one thing. Full blown tongue kissing in broad daylight and boners hard enough to cut through stone was a whole other story. As addictive as Brandon's kiss was...I knew I would lose all of my common sense the second our lips touched. So we forced ourselves to pull away from the moment. But JESUS, did I masturbate a lot once I got home! God...jacking off is just NOT enough once you actually have had the chance to hold the fully naked body of someone you love close to you! It seems like such a waste now. I need to get that boy alone again some time soon!
So I guess I've got my lunch plans for tomorrow already planned out for me. Sighhh...that's gonna be fucked up.
And I sent Lee an email tonight...telling him that I couldn't go to the movies with him tomorrow. I didn't go into detail why, but if he talked to Jimmy, I'm sure the message was pretty clear. He didn't answer back, which was weird, because Lee is almost always online at this time of night. Or maybe he was just ignoring me. But whatever his reason for not responding...I hope he doesn't think that I'm joining the 'I Hate Lee' movement or anything. I really REALLY like him! Jimmy SUCKS for making me do this! This is the last time I let him guilt trip me into backing away from a friend, that's for sure.
So....what's with the feeling in my stomach? It's not my mom's strange behavior, it's not waiting to have hot sweaty sex with my boyfriend again, it's not the gloom of knowing that I'm going to be having lunch with Satan's stepdaughter tomorrow, and it's not wondering what Lee's response is going to be either. It's....Bobby. That's what has gotten my stomach all twisted up like this, and why it won't go away.
He ditched gym AGAIN today, which I'm pretty sure is gonna get him a failing grade if it keeps up. But I know he was in school, because he left a note in my locker. He was basically BEGGING me to talk to him, to call him, to come over to his house....anything. He just missed me and he wanted to know what was wrong with 'us', and he...he said he loved me. I saw the words written out right there on the page.
"I Love You."
I can't let this go on any further. I just can't. So...I'm gonna have to talk to him. And I'm gonna have to tell him the truth.
Sighhhh...I am NOT looking forward to that conversation.
I'll do it on Saturday. I'll talk to him tomorrow, so we can set up a time to get together. I don't want him flipping out on me at school, or doing anything hasty like outing me to everybody within earshot. At least he'll have the rest of Saturday and all of Sunday to calm down before school on Monday. I don't wanna hurt him, but if I don't do this now, it's only gonna get worse.
I've gotta go, but wish me luck.
(And to Bobby Jinette...I'm so so sorry.)