- Well, Jimmy finally decided to make an appearance back at school today, a clearly visible shiner still showing under his left eye from the fight last week. Ouch...that thing looked like it still really hurt, and his eye was still kinda red too. I know he could sense everyone staring at it. You could tell by the way he kept his head to the ground all day while walking the halls, the way he tried to hide his face as best as he could when he was sitting in class. Not that it would be possible to hide without wearing a 'Phantom Of The Opera' mask or something. That's just gotta suck. He's gotta wear that black eye around his Mom. Imagine what SHE'S thinking.
Like I said before...I wasn't ever really a friend to Jimmy, so it was kinda hard to think of a way to approach him in the hall for that first time. It would have been even harder if Sam had been with me. Knowing their past history, they wouldn't have gotten along at all. Not even for the few minutes that it would have taken me to give him...um...my 'condolences'...or whatever. But instead of chickening out, I kept my word and walked over to say hi to him. I think it surprised him at first to see me making an effort to greet him. It showed on his face. Then again, he must be getting used to the other kids coming up to gawk at his bruise. So he mumbled a shy hello back to me and left it at that. He didn't really make it easy to talk to him, he seemed really nervous all of the sudden, but I WAS at least able to say, "I'm sorry to hear about what happened." before walking away. I didn't look back to see if it had any kind of profound impact on him or anything...I just kinda kept walking and hoped that I didn't look like as big of a dork as I felt at that moment. I guess I just wanted that little bit of conversation to have some kind of real meaning to him. I don't know, maybe deep down I did it for me more than I did for him. You know, to feel proud or heroic or something. Or maybe I actually felt sorry for him and just didn't want to kick him while he was down. Who knows? The truth is...I imagine it's got to be hard for him, not having that many friends and all. He stays to himself so much, that whenever he does try to be friendly to someone else, they end up rejecting him. As though he were too late to fill out an application to be in their exclusive little club, or something. I just wanted him to know that he wasn't rejected by everybody...at least not me. Nobody should feel alone in this hellish place. Somehow, I think I suck at the whole 'do a good deed' thing, but I tried.
I saw Simon again today, and we made another 'date' to get back together this Friday. He smelled good today. When I saw him, his hair was still kinda damp from his morning shower, a little darker than normal, and I could smell this sweet cocconut almond type shampoo on the back of his neck. He smelled like one great big cookie. A delicious one at that. You know, the more I think about him, the sexier he gets to me. I hadn't really noticed his laugh as much I did now. It was so...boyish and cute. And his stomach would ripple a little, and his shoulders would tremble when he giggled. I liked that. The way he would smile...it made you want to kiss him right then and there. I started involuntarily touching him whenever I was close enough to do so. Just to feel the gentle warmth of his body heat as it seeped through the textured fabric of his clothes. He had the slimmest waist, like a ten year old, with a belly button that was like...the size of a dime. You'd think it would be boney and hard...but it was soft. Like bread dough or something. I wish I could lay my head on it....it would be soooo comfortable. Maybe this week...maybe I'll go through with it. You know...the 'sex'. Maybe I'll just go for it and see what happens. If he says yes, if he just...if we got together...that would be magic. TOTAL magic! I'd make love to him every day, endlessly. I doubt I'd ever want to stop. I've got a few more days to psyche myself up though, so wish me luck.
Geez, who would have ever thought that I'd be getting this worked up over SIMON? Him and Jimmy couldn't be that far apart on the social scale. Not that it matters, but I never thought of Simon like this until recently. Hormones are weird.
Ok, speaking of hormones, I'm getting a bit excited 'down there' right now. Balancing a book on your lap and applying the gentle pressure of a pen can do that sometimes. Hehehe! So I'm gonna go...'take care' of that! More to come later.
- No no no!!!! DAMMIT!!! Bad news!!! Very VERY BAD NEWS!!!
Ok....Sam comes to me today before gym, right? And you know what he tells me? He found out who likes me!!! The girl who has been telling some of her friends how cute I am and how she wants to date me! The girl I was hoping that no one would EVER find! It was kinda cool and fun in the beginning, but that was just like a silly little high school game, right? I mean, like playing "Girls Kiss The Boys" on the playground in 2nd grade. Nobody really means it. Not beyond that little half hour activity, anyway. But this is like...like...permanent! Like...REAL! And Sam couldn't WAIT to tell me!
NOOOOO!!! I don't WANT to know! I don't want HIM to know that I know! I don't want anybody else to know that he knows that I know either!!! Not now! I...I...ARRRGH...what do I do??? I don't know what to do with a....with a...GIRL!!! Shit!
Beyond the initial panic attack...I guess I should give some more info...
She's not anyone that I really know that well. It's a girl named Joanna that...well...hardly knows me either, to be honest. Well...she DOES know who I am, but we've never been like...'friends' or anything. I talk to her sometimes, she's a nice girl, and I was being nice to her too. I'd joke around every now and then, and it would make her laugh and smile, and it made me feel good. But...I never thought for a single second that she'd suddenly become infatuated with me in any way, shape, or form. It's not like I was being overly flirtatious or anything. I thought she was just being...'Joanna'. Dammit! Now that she's sent the word out 'publicly', now that Sam knows, now that Sam knows that I know...this harsh pressure is on me to react. INTENSE, UNBELIEVEABLE, INESCAPABLE, pressure!!!
See....I'm a teenage boy, now reaching the age where I'm supposed to be obsessed with girls and dating and the whole nine yards. I'm considered 'cute' by a lot of the people around here...the kind of boy who's SUPPOSED to have a girlfriend by now. A real heartbreaker, as my extended family members would say. Well, now the whole school is going to know that I have the opportunity to get a girl on my arm...and if I turn it down...it's just not gonna look right. Joanna is cute, she's desireable, most guys would literally set themselves on FIRE to get a shot with her! So...does that make me look like a homo to say..."Um...I'm not interested, but thanks." It's GOTTA make me look gay! People will talk! Or even WORSE...they'll whisper! Oh man...whispering in a high school is like a freakin' sonic boom! EVERYBODY will know! The thing is, if I DO date her, and say yes, not only will I not be happy, but every single boy in that school that I ever had even the slightest chance with, will mark me as one of those 'lost causes' that they shouldn't even TRY to get to know. You hear me? "Marked"! For the rest of my academic career! As one of those 'breeders' that it's wise to stay away from emotionally if you don't want to get your feelings shredded. This is SO not good!
Ok, ok, ok....I was able to avoid any kind of definite reaction today by running outside before Sam had an opportunity to grill me about it. But I won't get that lucky twice. No way will he let me slide by tomorrow. I'll have to think things through. The most important thing is to keep this info contained. The less people that know about this, the easier it'll be to back out of it gracefully. Oh God, I hope nobody went around blabbing about this! What if she finds out that I know and comes to get the answer herself? What if Simon finds out and chickens out of doing anything with me this weekend? OH NO!!!! What if JAMIE CROSS finds out?!?!?!
Oh man...this thing has GOT to be stopped! And fast!
- Billy (Scared out of his mind!)
- Ok, today was probably one of the scariest days of my life going to school...but it turned out to not be as bad as I thought it would be. Not yet anyway. Sam hasn't gone around telling anybody yet, or so he said, and I had to politely tell him not to. You know....'politely'...so as not to make it look like it was any emergency. I had to be really careful with him. He can tell when something is stressing me out most of the time, and if he started asking questions, I'd be stuck for answers. I made it a joke and laughed it off as convincingly as I could. He still got to tease me a bit, but he's true to his word, and I'm sure that he wouldn't give up on that now.
Now...the HARD thing to gauge is what the female population of our school knows about this situation. I'm not exactly sure which girls Joanna told about me, and which ones she didn't. Since she's a bit of a mystery to me still, I don't know whether she's the shy girl who keeps these things to herself, or the kind to run around flapping her wings with her friends like a gaggle of gossiping geese. I DID notice a few girls looking at me differently today. A few smiled, like they saw something in me that they hadn't seen before. Or was that all in my head? And Michelle stopped playing in my hair completely like she use to before...as though I wasn't hers to touch anymore. Or maybe that is all in my head too and she just wasn't in the mood. This pressure is truly screwing up my perspective on everything. I need more info, but for now the situation seem pretty well under control. I just have to remain under the radar until I can figure a way out of this. The few people that I know for SURE know what's going on, have been officially 'quarantined' from the rest of the rumor mill until I can come up with a decent plan.
One thing that kinda worried me, though, was Brandon's reaction to me in the hallway today. He has a tendency to be kinda 'off and on' when it comes to being comfortable to talk to, and today he switched from one extreme to the other REALLY fast. I saw him, greeted him, admired the soft beauty of his features...you know, just like I always do. And he gave me a big smile and was actually talking to me just fine.
Then...complete 180* turn. Sam came over to say hello, and Brandon was almost ready to go instantly. He just clammed up and kept saying he had to go to class. I hardly got a chance to introduce the two of them. It was weird, even for Brandon, and I began to wonder if Sam had let a bit of that all important info slip out afterall. You know? It COULD just be that Brandon was being bashful around a new face, but I think his reaction was a bit more 'direct' than that. I swear...if Sam told Brandon, I'm gonna KILL him! And if this Joanna thing ruins my chances at the possibly gay cuties in this school, I'm gonna have to blow the whole damn football team for quarters just to get my rep back in line!
If there's a gay angel, or a magic fairy-type-creature, watching over me right now....please please please give me strength! Sprinkle some dust, shake a wand, dance wildly to ABBA....whatever it takes to make this go away...DO IT! I need some assistance here!