- I did something today that.......just.....
I mean....it was just....
Ok, maybe finding the right words for it is gonna be harder than I thought it would be. But I've been spacing out over it ever since the words left my mouth. And I've been kinda laying here on my bed for almost an hour now, just kinda...I dunno....basking in it, I guess. It's just such an AWKWARD feeling. Like, I don't really know what to do with it at all This is all so brand new to me. I didn't think it would be, because, technically, he wasn't the first person to know. I just.....
Arrrrgh! Ok, let me try it this way...
As you know, I took my practice test with Simon yesterday. And he was supposed to take some time out to grade it and tell me what I messed up on so we could go over it on Wednesday, and just talk about notes and stuff on Friday, when everything was just review for the midterm exam coming up. Well, I guess Simon looked at my test and graded it right away when he got home yesterday, because it was already done. I have to admit, it was kinda cool to know that he was so anxious to know how I did. Well, he went through it, and was so excited that he couldn't even wait until Wednesday to tell me. Evidently, out of 40 questions, I ONLY got three of them wrong!!! Which is a definite 'A'! That's fucking awesome! Honestly, without Simon's help, I might have slid by with a C+, max! But something about his study methods really helped me out! And I couldn't be happier! Seriously!
The thing is...when he told me, I was kinda in the hallway in between classes. I had gotten a pass to go to the bathroom, and on the way back, I saw him pushing a TV/DVD set up back to his class from the AV room. So the hall was pretty empty except for us two at the time. And just seeing his golden blond mop and sweet ruby smile, greeting me in the hall like that...I don't know, it did something to me. You know? So, he's all like, "You kicked ASS on your practice test, dude! If you do this well on the real thing, you're gonna sail through freshman year with no problem at all!" Simon was just being all innocent and cute, and I couldn't help but notice how awesome he was. And I blushed hard in front of him because of the compliments.
And then....something went completely WEIRD on me!
I said, "Thanks, man. There's no way I could have done it without you." And now it was his turn to blush. It really felt like the good old days when Simon and I used to hang out all the time and just talk. You know? This instantaneous vibe just picked right up where it left off before, and there is nothing more comfortable than the feeling that old friendships die hard. Anyway...somehow, in all of this good feeling and blush-i-ness....I got this TERRIBLE urge to just 'confess' my true feelings to him. I don't think the weight of being gay had ever sat so heavy on my shoulders than it did at that particular moment! And just seeing the sparkle in his eyes was enough of an incentive for me to......maybe....take a shot? You know?
Maybe it was the fact that we had gotten so strangely 'close' again after spending time together the last few weeks. Or maybe it was just that he was extremely cute to me all of the sudden and I'm a sucker for anything that sets my hormones in motion. Then again, it might just be the safe fact that I was pretty sure that he already knew about me and was just waiting for me to admit it that made it so simple. Who knows? But...we were alone, and I was feeling the 'moment', or whatever...so it seriously crossed my mind.
Anyway, Simon said, "You don't have anything to worry about. When you ace this test, you'd better let me know. Maybe we'll, like, celebrate or something." But he was sure to add, "If you WANT to, that is. But it's no biggie. I'm just so proud of you, that's all."
"Simon, I'm gay."
You know....somehow...in my mind, I didn't expect that to come out like that at ALL!!! I don't even really remember how I said it exactly. I don't even remember the words leaving my mouth. But that was the gist of it. It just...sorta....HAPPENED! I think I literally felt my heart stop at that moment, and I nearly wet myself. I was sure that I had just done the most STUPID thing that I have ever done in my whole fucked up life!!! I had literally erased my future by letting the word 'GAY' come out of my mouth in front of somebody else. And any moment, he was sure to run away from me screaming! If I didn't run away from him screaming first!
Simon wrinkled up his nose, and said, "HUH???"
And I said, "NOTHING!!!" And I turned around and tried to walk away from him as fast as I possibly could! My legs were so tight and tensed up that I could hardly walk at all! And I could hardly breathe! And my heart felt like it was being crushed in a vice! What did I do? What did I DO??? He called out, "Billy! Wait a second! Where are you going?"
And I just answered, "Gotta go. Bye." BIG mistake! Big big BIG mistake! Stupid fucking hormones! Are they EVER right about ANYTHING???
I ducked into the nearest bathroom, and could hardly unzip myself, my hands were trembling so bad. I did what I had to do, zipped up, and went to the sink. I looked at myself in the mirror as I washed my hands, and nearly burst into tears. I remember this panic coming over me, and I started whispering, "Oh shit! Oh shit! Fuck me! Shit!" And then I really did start to cry. My adrenaline was pumping SO hard that my emotions spun out of control, and I was sniffling and whimpering in a matter of seconds.
Then, the bathroom door opened, and Simon peeked his head in. And he said, "Billy? Are you ok in here?"
I felt SICK when I saw him looking at me. He knows! He KNOWS! Because I was fucking stupid enough to TELL him! I looked at his eyes, and I meant to tell him that I was fine. But I was too choked up to speak. Instead, one look at him got me scared again, and I hurried into one of the stalls and slammed the door closed. My whole body was shaking, and I just wished to God that I hadn't said...what I said.
I heard the door open wider and Simon came into the bathroom all the way. He walked over to the stall where I was, and just kinda leaned against it. He said, "Billy....I told you it was ok. Remember?"
And I said, "It's not true! I was just fucking around, so....you can GO now. I'll...I'll see you tomorrow. Ok?"
But he's like, "Billy, c'mon, talk to me." I didn't speak. Why the hell did I tell him??? I wasn't EXPECTING to tell him! I should have kept my damn mouth shut! Why did I have to go and ruin EVERYTHING like that? "Billy?"
I don't know why, but I suddenly got angry at him for knowing about me. He TRICKED me! He FORCED me to tell! And I said, "Just go away! Go away and leave me alone!"
"I MEAN it!" I shouted, and now I was worried that somebody outside might hear me. But he didn't leave. Simon stayed right where he was.
He told me, "It's ok, you know? I'm not gonna tell anybody."
Was it another trick? I couldn't tell. But after a brief pause, I sniffled some more, feeling weak in the knees, and I had to fight against my emotions' stranglehold on me just to speak. "Y-y-you....promise?"
And he said, "I promise. Seriously, ok? Can you just...come out of there and talk to me?"
It took more guts than you can imagine to open that stall door. And even then, I couldn't look him in the eye. He gently led me out of the stall, and grabbed a paper towel so I could dry the tears on my face. Then he gave me a big grin, teeth and all. And I asked, "What's so funny?"
And he said, "Are you really gay?"
Which I thought was weird. So I told him, "Dude, knock it off. I know you knew already."
But he said, "No. Actually, I didn't have a clue." I gave him a sideways look, and he said, "I swear. I was just asking you a question, before, because it seemed like you were acting strange. But I didn't really KNOW anything. Well, until just now, that is." Arrrgh! Bastard!
I finally looked up into his eyes, and that big cheesy grin made me laugh I literally started giggling, and he couldn't help but giggle himself. It made me wonder if that was all there was to it. If just saying the words before you outsmart yourself into believing you shouldn't is the perfect way to come out to somebody. I think this is the first time I've ever had to 'say' it out loud to somebody else before. And you know what? It was like having a giant boulder lifted off of your chest. It felt so good, that I almost started crying again. Ugh! Am I a big sissy right now, or what?
Anyway, a few seconds later, Simon realized that he left about a thousand dollars worth of AV equipment just sitting in the hallway with nobody watching it. So he had to hurry out and take it back to class before somebody came looking for him. I suppose I needed to get back too. But.....when we parted ways in the hall, I reminded him, "Remember...you promised you wouldn't tell!"
And he smirked. "Stop worrying already. It's not like I've got THAT many friends to tell anyway." And he wheeled his cart back to class.
So...um....yeah. I told somebody. I TOLD somebody about my sexuality! And he's not gonna tell. Of course, I hope he doesn't go home now and think I tried to rape him that one afternoon at my house. Hmmmm....he probably forgot by now anyways. Still...I can't believe I told him. I shouldn't have freaked out like that. Thank GOD it all turned out alright!
The rest of my day was kinda 'blah' in comparison. Bobby still looks hot in gym class, but he's pretending not to notice that I notice that he looks hot in gym class. Brandon and I ate lunch together just outside the library because he was finishing up an extra credit project for English. He's still making fun of me because I 'chickened out' to eat lunch with Sam and Joanna. But I DIDN'T chicken out this time, I just didn't go. Believe it or not, I actually look forward to giving it a shot. Sometime this week, maybe. I'm feeling lucky after today.
And my mom and I actually had somewhat of normal time together tonight. We were watching some crazy reality show on TV, and it had us both laughing. We actually talked for a little bit after it went off. Nothing big or prolific about our conversation...but it felt good to have one. It's the first time things felt right between us since that night she cried on my shoulder. I suppose I missed her even more than I realized. Now all I have to do is make sure that I don't screw it up again.
Anyway, I'm going to bed. I'm gonna write an email to Lee, just to say hi I think it'll let him know that we're still cool. I hope him and Jimmy find a way to get over that whole thing and just go back to being friends Easier said than done, I'm sure. Lee is very easy to fall in love with. Over and over again, in fact.
I'll write more later. And even though you're never gonna read this, Simon...
..Thanks. For being a friend.