- God? Forgive me, okay?

I MEAN it...really. I just...it was all for a good reason. I promise. And now...things can be more...'cool'. That counts for something, right?

Okay, let me just go head and say it...I had sex with Bobby Jinette again today. And I'm trying really *REALLY* hard to feel bad about it...but....

Ok, LISTEN!!! It's NOT like I don't feel guilty! Ok??? I feel fucking guilty as HELL about doing this behind Brandon's back! AGAIN! I just...I was trying to....I wanna be with my boyfriend, and this is the only way that I know how....

ARRRRGHHH!!! Ok, let me just start over!

I want to say, for the record, that I called Brandon FIRST! I did! When I woke up this morning, he was the first thing on my mind. I got dressed, and my mom made scrambled eggs and toast for breakfast. Everything was great for a sunshine Saturday morning, you know? When I went back to my room, I closed the door tight and made sure to call Brandon up to see if he could do something today. And it wasn't just some wild passionate midday 'booty call'! That wasn't the only thing on my mind. I was just....thinking about him, you know? I wanted to be close to him. Hearing his voice was a blessing when he answered the phone, and even though I cherished him with my whole heart....it ended up being this, like...really hard 'push' in the wrong direction. It's just...he makes me want him so BAD! You know? Seriously! And he's so cute and so sweet that I just....it made me....want somebody else....

Does that make much sense? I don't know. It doesn't look right now that I wrote it down on paper. Just forcing myself to come up with the words and explain myself and my actions in this book seems to have made it a hundred times worse than I originally thought.

Ok...here's how everything went down....

I talked to Brandon on the phone, drooling over the many sweet thoughts of being alone with my baby again soon. And he was being all shy and cute as he usually is, because....well, that's just Brandon. I honestly don't think he can help it. He's just naturally adorable. It must just be an unconscious talent of his. Anyway....so I talked to him, and he was really happy to hear from me. He always is. His smile does such wonderful things to me, you know? And it made me hornier than ever, because every time I even hear his smile over the phone, I wanna smash my lips up against his and push my tongue in as far as it'll go! So I asked him if it would be ok if I came over for a little while. Ok...so THIS time I wanted to come over for some hot SEX, but I didn't just come out and say that! I really wanted to BEG for it, but I decided to keep some of my cool instead He's like, "Billy...hehehe, come on, I told you, I can't do it this weekend. I want to, but there's nowhere we can go to be alone. My mom's home all day."

I was like, "Nowhere? I mean, doesn't your mom have to go grocery shopping or something? What if I come over and we send her out for snacks Pizza! We'll send her out for pizza, and we can have some....fun..you know?" Come on, Brandon! PLEASE say yes! Jesus, I was SQUIRMING here!

He says, "I don't think she'll go for it, dude. Honestly. If anything, she'll send US out for snacks." Dammit! I don't know why he was being so fucking difficult about this! What the hell is he so scared of? We could certainly find just TEN minutes of privacy somewhere in his house where we wouldn't get caught! Ten minutes is all I need. As horny as I am, we could probably do it three TIMES in ten minutes!

So, I kinda sigh, and think for a second. Then I remembered the first time I kissed AJ, and I told him, "You know...there's, like, this public bathroom in the park. If we go over there, and maybe stay real quiet..."

But he totally interrupted me and laughed at the idea. He's all, "Dude, I am NOT gonna do it with you in some dingy disease infested public bathroom." He giggled a bit, but he was seriously telling me no.

I'm like, "Dude, come ON!!! Just for a little while." I was so hard that I was humping the damn floor as I spoke to him. Just feeling the pressure against my boner was making me whine and whimper like crazy! "Please??? It's not THAT dirty. You don't even have to touch anything but me." But he refused to go. So THEN I asked him, "What if I came over, and we just locked your bedroom door. I mean, your mom's not gonna walk in on us if the door is locked. We'll turn your TV up loud and just...we'll be quick about it."

What he said just....ugh, it felt like it broke my heart. He's like, "You're kidding, right? Come on, Billy, tell me your kidding." Why would I be kidding??? And what the hell is so goddamn funny? I actually got a little hurt at first, and then I got kinda angry with him. I didn't say anything for a minute, and Brandon was like, "What's wrong?"

And I tell him, "Forget it."

So he's like, "Dude...are you MAD at me?"

And I say, "Don't worry about it. I mean, if you find the idea so 'hilarious', then forget it. I'm trying to spend time with my boyfriend, and all you can do is laugh at me for being so pathetic."

And he said, "I thought you were JOKING, Billy! Geez! And I never said you were being pathetic..."

So, I'm like, "Well, you implied it. You laughed in my face. That's not cool. I'm trying to come see you, and you're totally making fun of me."

He says, "I'm not making fun of you..."

I say, "Yes you ARE! So...you know...whatever. Forget about it."

And he actually tells me, "Why are you being so bitchy today? It's not my FAULT, ok? I wanna be with you too. But I'm not gonna go to some nasty bathroom in the 'park' just to hold someone I care about. I don't want what we have to be reduced to that. It's sleazy." And....dammit, I guess he had a point, now that I think about it. But I didn't want to hear that at the time. So I sulked for a second and tried to not get into a fight about us not being together. Brandon's voice got this really cute whimper in it, and he said, "We've got time, Billy. I promise, k? As soon as finals are over, we'll have a bunch of chances to be together. But...you've just gotta wait a little bit longer, ok?"

I didn't mean it when I said it, but I just told him, "Fine. I'll wait." And then I was ready to hang up the phone pretty much right after that. It sucks on my part, but I just didn't want to talk to him anymore if I couldn't see him today. I got all hot and bothered for nothing. So I told him, "I gotta go. I'll see you later."

And he says, "Don't be mad at me, Billy. Ok? Please?" And I tell him that I'm not mad, which was a total lie, but what was I gonna do? Force him to have sex with me when he clearly doesn't want to? Whatever. So he whispers to me, "I love you, Billy. And I'll call you tomorrow."

And I'm pouting, but he's too damn pretty to really be mad at. So I make sure my mom isn't listening, and I say really softly, "I love you too, Brandon. I mean it. K?" And there's kinda like this 'silence' for a second, and I hang up because I felt like I was gonna explode if he said anything after that. I know that I've done some pretty shitty things lately...but I really REALLY love Brandon! I REALLY do! So....if I'm reading this book years from now, and I've somehow managed to royally fuck up this relationship...just know that your heart was with your boyfriend the whole time. Even if your hormones were someplace else.

Enter Bobby Jinette....

It was hours later that he called my house, about 4 PM, I think. I was watching some weird Saturday afternoon Van Damme movie on cable with my mom in the living room, and I made the mistake of picking up the phone without checking the caller ID. The second I heard Bobby's voice...everything got awkward. I had to leave the room, and shut my bedroom door. I even turned the music on before talking openly with him on the phone. I have to admit, my pulse was racing. The very sound of his voice registers as hot passionate sex in the back of my mind. I can't hear it and not think of the awesome times we spent together naked. There was no fighting the feeling, and I'm pretty sure that he knew that.

He's all like, "What's up?"

And I'm like, "Hey..."

And he says, "I thought you would have called me by now. Do you wanna come over and play or what?"

I'm thinking, omigod...he WANTS me! Brandon doesn't want me, but Bobby can't get enough of me. That's what it felt like. So I say, "Bobby...I don't think I should come over there."

And he's all, "Why?"

And I'm all, "Because I shouldn't. I have a boyfriend." And then I tell him, "I LOVE my boyfriend, Bobby."

But Bobby just tells me, "I know that, dude. And that's fine." Which I thought would make a difference to him. But THEN he's like, "It doesn't mean that you can't come over and have some fun though."

WHAT?!?! That should have been an IMMEDIATE turn off for him, but it wasn't. I'm like, "Dude, I can't."

And he's like, "Yes you can. I'm not gonna tell him. We don't ever have to tell Brandon anything. Just come over, k? My mom won't be home for another three hours yet."

I'm like, "I thought Brandon was your friend."

And he says, "I thought YOU were my friend." Plus he adds, "I want you inside me again, Billy. Don't you want me? Come on over...I'm so hot for you right now."

I.....I didn't....WANT to go over there! Ok? I mean...I wanted to...but.....Bobby just......he.....it was HIS fault, alright? It WAS!

The next thing I knew, I was on my bike and going over to Bobby's house, pedaling as fast as I possibly could. He tongue kissed me the second I got through the front door, and his mouth was on my boner before he even got my pants and underwear all the way off. And I fucked him hard....right in that sweet ass of his! He actually sat on my lap this time, and hugged me tight around the neck as I entered that super tight tunnel of his. I let both of my hands squeeze that amazing ass of his while he bounced up and down on my dick and it just......*GOD*.....it felt soooooooo fucking GOOD! He's so goddamn TIGHT, you know? Every single time I penetrate him, it's tighter than the grip of my own fist, for crying out loud! But, at the same time, it's soft and warm on the inside. And with those squishy round 'bubbles' he has behind him, closing around my shaft and slapping against the top of my thighs...it just...it feels like I'm going so DEEP into his ass that I can't STAND it! I swear, Bobby blows my mind. He moves like a fucking PORN star when we have sex, and he kisses me like a pro! I think we both had cum two or three times each by the time I left his house.

Yeah.....I feel guilty. But...at the same time, I feel satisfied. I have to make this really bad confession, and I'm gonna write it here in this book...even though I feel totally LAME and WICKED for doing it.

Ok..........here goes......

Bobby Jinette is a LOT better at sex than Brandon is.

There, I said it. But I STILL love Brandon way more than Bobby Jinette! It's just that, well, Bobby moves better in the sack. Smoother. More aggressive. And he's more passionate. Brandon is more like....a 'virgin', you know? Like I used to be. So....it feels good and all, but..it's not like it is with Bobby.

Shit, I've really gotta STOP this!!! Seriously! This is SO wrong!

When I left, Bobby told me that I could use his house during the day on Thursday. So...me and Brandon can finally be alone in just a few days!!! But, I don't know how I'm gonna break it to him without letting on that Bobby and I have been....um....'intimate'. I'll just have to deal with that particular issue when I come to it. For now though...I'm just trying to think of the positive part of all this. And that's that me and Brandon get to actually kiss and cuddle and hold each other in private and comfort for the first time in forever! And I am going to SO make it up to him once we get the chance to spend some time together. I swear!

God....I really hope that I'm doing the right thing here. Please tell me that I'm not totally damned for what I did today! I'm trying to think of the long term benefits here. A little sex with Bobby, a lifelong relationship with Brandon. I think I can do this. I really do.

Gotta go. I'll seeya soon.

- Billy