- Tomorrow was supposed to be the day! It was supposed to be the day that Simon comes over and I try to find the courage to jump him and grab that sweet loving ass of his. The one that I've been waiting so anxiously for. And now? Now, I don't know if it'll be possible. And why is that, you ask? Because I have an infection in my life. It's called a wannabe GIRLFRIEND! Arrrrgh!
You know, these things shouldn't be HALF as terrifying as it is for me right now. If I were straight, I'd be doing backflips and jerking off ten times a day thinking of the possibilities. But I'm not. I'm scared. REALLY scared. I mean...we're talking about risking total exposure here! Me not giving in and accepting Joanna's invitation to 'go steady' is like Mike Tyson backing out of a fight. When you're perceived a certain way by everybody you know...they're kind of expecting you to adhere to that image at all times. No matter what the situation is. Now the waters are being tested and I don't have any way to prevent the inevitable oddity of looking 'weird' in front of everybody. This was all so much easier when EVERYBODY thought that girls were 'icky'...not just me. Sighhh...
I think the girls have been talking a lot more than the guys have. At least as far as I know. I've been noticing their behavior shifting little by little, kinda like watching the animals along with the Croccidile Hunter! And their activities have become somewhat abnormal around me. More smiles, more 'casual conversation' than normal, more giggles....they know what's going on. They HAVE to know! They can sense it, and have become unsuspecting victims of this unavoidable chain reaction of emotional events. You know how it works....one girl likes one boy. She tells her friends, and they all begin to look at you to see why. To find out why this girl would suddenly decide to love you so much. And in that search for a reason, they begin to discover things about you that they never saw before, and they start to think, "Well....actually...he IS kinda cute." That passes on from girl to girl to girl to girl to GIRL, and the next thing you know, you're the new celebrity boy on the block and they all wish they could be the one kissing you under the bleachers. Trust me on this, I've seen it happen many many times! Just....not to me. Arrrgh! I don't think I'm ready for all this.
I walk around nervous all day, everytime I hear someone laugh, I wonder if it's at my expense. I used to think that flirting with girls would help to HIDE my sexuality, but as it turns out, I'm more fucking paranoid than EVER!!! And on top of everything else, Brandon hardly talked to me today at all. I saw him in the library, and he was leaving just as I walked in...he didn't even look me in the eye. He just kept his head down, mumbled a short greeting, and said he had to go as he practically ran out of the library. Does he know? Does 'everyone' know? My mind can't just be making all of this up! Some of this delusion has GOT to be real.
I don't even know Brandon all that well, but something about having him run out on me really pinched me, you know? Seriously. It was, like, being heartbroken. Ok....this is really starting to bother me more than I can stand, and I knew that I had to do something about it. So I spent the rest of the day checking all over the school for Brandon between periods this morning. He wasn't in ANY of his usual places, but I didn't give up. Then, Sam and I just happened to see him in the hallway as we were walking to the cafeteria...and you know what he did? He totally DODGED me! He looked the other way and walked past us without saying anything at all. Like he didn't even see me at all! Awwwww, cutie.....what did I DO??? That is SO not cool.
This whole situation was actually starting to make me feel like some kind of scumbag or something, but I couldn't figure out what I had done to make him mad at me. I LIKED Brandon! I liked him a lot! He was more thn just cute, you know? He was COOL. And he was a lot of fun to be around. I never really thought about him maybe being gay....well...I THOUGHT about it, but never really considered it a possibility. He's too...'pretty' to be gay. If THAT makes any sense. Anyway, as cute as he was, I never figured I had a chance. So it's not like I was just trying to get in his pants. I actually enjoyed talking to him and being with him and just...HIM. Even though it was just a few short conversations here and there about nothing all that important, it was something to look forward to. Now he's being all strange and it's killing me. Life is just frustrating right now, and I wish I had him around to help me balance things out a bit. Everybody needs a little sunshine in their day, you know?
Fortunately, I was able to dodge Joanna all afternoon, and didn't so much as see her once in the hallway. So I guess I'm ahead of the game in that sense. But I'm still gonna have to find a way to disappear until all this blows over and hopefully everyone forgets that she ever liked me in the first place. How long would something like that take? Two weeks? Three, maybe? Can I stay away from her for that long? Sighhhh....who knows? What am I gonna do? I can't just ditch school everyday. I'll flunk out. I'm so stuck right now.
What if JAMIE finds out??? Oh....my....God! If the love of my life, the superstar of my hopes and dreams, starts thinking I'm straight and turns away from even considering me a possible target for at LEAST a one night stand....I'll stab a sword through my midsection and twist it until my guts fall out! I SWEAR! I'll drink a whole bottle of poison! I'll throw myself off of the school roof! I'll...I'll...jump in a meat grinder and serve myself to the whole school at lunch time! No WAY I could live with that!
I've got to find a way to make myself unlikeable to her. That's all. Really unlikeable. Hmmmm....
Like...I could 'beat her up' if I wanted to. Or at least pretend that I am. I mean...a few threats go a long way and....and I could just....shove her a few times and...sighhh. Oh let's be serious. I'm not gonna beat her up! That's stupid. Besides...if I accidently lost a fight to a girl, I'd REALLY be shot down to the bottom of the barrel popularity wise! I guess I'll just have to think of a way to turn her off as quickly as I supposedly turned her on. And without letting anybody know that I'm doing it on purpose. If I can just pull that off, she'll leave me alone, and the other girls will too. Now....exactly how do I go about doing that?
You wanna know something strange? Sam seems soooo overjoyed with my position, and he totally wants me to go for it. But....just watching him bounce up and down on my bed, always grinning from ear to ear....something about it makes me feel so bad inside. I mean...it really hurt me for some reason. Maybe it's because I just couldn't bring myself to tell him. You know? Maybe it's the fact that on most occassions, I'd want to give 'HIM' my love over anybody else. Sam is...cute to me. And we're already friends, so we're half way involved in a relationship as it is. But the only thing that makes him happy is the idea that some girl is fantasizing about me and he thinks I should be 'grateful' for such an opportunity. I just kinda...wish he spent as much time thinking about kissing me as I think about kissing him. Which isn't often...but I'm sure it's still out of balance. Sighhh...it can be a truly horrible feeling sometimes...living inside such a restricting lie.
Ok, I'm going to bed now. Nothing more to say...other than I wish none of this girl stuff had ever happened. Wish me luck, ok? I need it.
It's official...Brandon must hate me now. I mean...he must really hate me. I mean, he doesn't talk to me at ALL all of the sudden, and you wanna know something? I miss him. I mean, not so much the big infatuated stares into his eyes and looking at his butt and stuff. I mean that I actually miss HIM. It's weird, but I never knew he played such an important part of my day until he was absent from it. I don't understand. What did I do? Why is he so cold to me these days?
I saw him locking up his bike this morning before school, and when I said hello, he kinda smiled and said "Oh....Billy. Hi." But that was it! Then he just walked away from me. I saw him in the hallway later on, and I KNOW he saw me, but he just averted his eyes and took a detour around the nerest corner. I seriously wanted to CRY when he did that! This isn't FAIR! I didn't even see him in the library today, but then again, I guess he knew I'd be looking for him there. Maybe he didn't show up to purposely avoid talking to me. It really was a sharp stick in the eye to have him not talking to me. I don't like this 'off limits' bullshit at all!
Oh yeah, and just in case you were 'expecting' good news. Forget it. Simon came over again today, just as planned. So you're probably wondering if I did it? If we actually got naked and did it. Well....do I LOOK especially happy to you? No?
I don't think my mind was in the right place for any big moves on Simon today, you know? I mean, I wanted to. I REALLY wanted to. Everything Simon does is cute to me at this point. And I love the smell of his breath too. It's so cool. Like puppy dog breath mixed with day old candy. Hehehe, ok, that makes me sound kinda freaky! But it's true. Kissing him would be more incredible than anything you could ever imagine. I'm SURE of it! But...my heart just wasn't in it today. Actually, you wanna know the truth? I think the fact that Brandon gave me such a cold shoulder when I wanted to talk to him really bothered me more than anything else. Something about it made me feel...'less than'. I think that's the only way I can think of to describe it. It probably shouldn't bother me as much as it does, but something about not being 'cool' in his eyes just....it dug into me pretty deep. It kinda...you know...hurts. A LOT. Is that weird?
Anyway, having Simon over today was cool, but it seemed like more of a distraction from my thoughts than anything even remotely romantic. So I spent most of my time spacing out and thinking of what I could do or say to make Brandon talk to me again. Sighhh...don't ask me to explain it, because I can't. I'm just...weird.
Oh yeah, Joanna smiled at me today in the lunchroom. Which is a definite sign. She MUST know that I know about her affections by now. I'd be an idiot to think that she hasn't already figured it out. In fact, she's probably the one who sent out her strategcally planted 'informant' to make sure that the word got out to me in the first place. Girls are crafty like that. The bad thing is, when she smiled at me...I smiled BACK at her! WHY??? Why the FUCK did I do THAT??? Shit! I Don't know!!! I think I was just fucking NERVOUS! I didn't know what to do, and my lips seemed to curl up all on their own! So she blushed and giggled and I heard the whole lunchtable full of females start giggling along with her. NOW she thinks I feel the same way! And that's going to escalate things much faster than I had planned. Thank God she was too chicken to walk over to me right then and there and ask me to ask her out. I guzzled down the rest of my soda, let out a belch that Sam applauded me for, and bsically shoved the rest of my cheesburger into my mouth with one giant bite! The potato chips, I could take with me to class. So, my tray was empty, and I got up and left the cafeteria before she ot any ideas about talking to me or something. Seems I was able to jump out of THAT situation pretty easy, but it's only a temporary solution. I know she's gonna be there on Monday, and something tells me that she's going to have TWICE the confidence that she had towards me today. I need a whole new gameplan, dude.
The only other thing that happened today worth mentioning was that Jimmy LaPlane waved to me in the hall today. He was kinda timid about it, and he did it without a smile (Like some kind of undercover cop giving a signal to his fellow officers or something.), but I waved back despte the weirdness of it all. I think he was feeling a bit better today, and his eye will probably heal up completely by next weekend. The embarassment of it all is passing over him a lot quicker than expected. So he should be back to normal in no time. Well...whatever 'normal' is for Jimmy, anyway.
Ok, so that's it for now. That's my world right now. The person I want to get close to is trying to be as distant as possible. The person I want to distance myself from is getting closer and closer every day. And someone who I hardly know feels the need to wave to me in the halls now. I suppose this is the way things are supposed to go. But, damn, if it doesn't confuse me. I'll talk more soon. Seeya!