- What the FUCK?!?!?!
Ok, I just HAVE to write this down before I fucking EXPLODE!!! I can't even hold this back right now! I'll just get this out, and then try to get on with explaining the rest of my day without putting my fist through a fucking wall!
I went to my math class this morning, and was happily informed that our teacher was out with the flu. Which is great, because I never finished that homework from last Thursday anyway. And since substitutes pretty much come in without a clue as to what's going on, that's a 'get out of jail free' card for the rest of us. I KNEW she wouldn't make it through the weekend! So I'm thinking that would be a GOOD thing. Right? I even heard from Glen that she was a total hottie...which doesn't really do me any good, but whatever. And then....our substitute walked in.
It was HER!!! The fucking substitute teacher was the same slut bitch that was 'dating' my DAD!!!
I could NOT believe my eyes when she actually walked into that room and sat down at the desk with her cheap ass Dunkin' Donuts coffee mug! At first I thought it was a mistake, then I was confused, then I got just downright ANGRY! I didn't even know that she WAS a teacher! Not that there was anything that I really wanted to know about her in the first place! I swear, I thought that I was gonna be sick! I literally almost got up out of my seat and just walked out right in front of her and everybody else while they were watching.
WHY??? That's all I want to know. WHY? I don't want to have anything to do with this bitch, and yet she's able to completely poke her ugly mug into my life in the most personal and invasive ways! You have no idea how DISGUSTED I was when she looked up at me and actually smiled at me. SMILED! After breaking my family apart and basically fucking up the rest of my life! Does anybody else in here know what she did? Are they aware that she's sleeping with my father? What if they know, and they're laughing at me? Maybe that's why Glen said what he said. He's probably gloating, the smug son of a bitch! I don't WANT her here! I don't want her anywhere near me! I had dinner with her once, and that was enough provoked hatred to last me the rest of my existence. I swear...if she's there tomorrow, I'm ditching. That's all there is to it.
Wait...can I even ditch? Cause if I ditch, she'll tell my dad. My dad will tell my MOM! And my mom will know that she's substituting in my class, which has got to be, like, a total fork in the eye! No....forget it. So what? I'm not gonna sit in the same room with this 'other woman' for the next few days. FUCK her! I'd happily spend a couple of days being grounded if it meant keeping her the hell away from me!
Ok...I'm trying to remain calm, but that just really pissed me the hell off today! If I keep talking about this, I'm gonna end up throwing this book up against the wall. It was hard enough just to keep from stabbing her in the heart with my number two pencil!
So, that was just the beginning of a bad day...
I waited for Brandon outside before school this morning. I was fully expecting him to ride up on his bike, and I'd get all mushy, and he'd get all mushy, and then I'd give him the good news about having someplace to go on Thursday. I figured that I could always just tell him that Bobby said we could use his house for a project we were working on, and he wouldn't know that we were using it for much more than that. Right?
Ok, ok....that's corny and dumb. But it was the only thing that I had come up with so far. If I think of something better, I'll let you know.
Well, I waited out there for, like, EVER...and then I see his mom's car pull up at the end of the sidewalk. Brandon was almost late to school because his bike has a flat tire, and he says the hole is too big to just patch up, so he might have to get a whole new tire. Anyway, his mom is so nice, and she waved to me. And I'm all like, "Hi, Mrs. Kirk!" I can see where Brandon gets his pretty smile from.
Anyway, Brandon practically races past me as the morning bell rings, and he's worried about being late. And...you wanna know something? I got...scared. I mean...I don't know...my mind just kinda punked out on me, and just seeing those big loveable eyes of his made me feel so....so GUILTY! It hit me like a mack truck, and all of the sudden, I could hardly speak!
I don't know what happened. Saturday I felt guilty sleeping with Bobby...and Sunday I felt guilty...but it wasn't as bad. It was kinda like, 'what's done is done', you know? But, this morning, when I actually had to face him...when I had to look him in the eye and see that immaculate beauty standing right there in front of me like that...I just froze. TOTAL deer in headlights!
And I'm pretty sure that it was only a momentary fit of insanity that I could have broken through with just a few seconds of getting the nerve to speak...but he was in such a damn hurry that I didn't get a chance. So I said I wanted to talk to him, and he's like, "Sure. Come on, walk with me Ms. Brody is gonna totally roast me if I'm late again." So I'm sorta trotting along at his side, unable to keep up with those long legs of his at all, and I'm trying to get my head together at the same time. But when I tried to make some 'innocent' conversation that would eventually lead to the big surprise, my mouth just zipped shut and I was left without anything to say.
All I could think about was what I did on Saturday, and how Brandon's gonna totally HATE me if he finds out about it. All of a sudden, this so called perfect plan of mine doesn't seem like such a good idea. And deep down, I KNEW that from the very beginning, I just....sighhh....I wanted Bobby again. It's like having a cocaine habit, where you keep telling yourself that this is the last time, but you still crave it because you haven't gotten it all out of your system yet. I guess I still have Bobby pretty deep in my system. Under my skin, you know?
Great. Yesterday Bobby was a dead rat, and today he's a cocaine habit. I'm scared to find out what he's gonna be tomorrow.
The whole time I was racing with Brandon to his first class, I was picturing how badly me saying anything at all could be. I imagined myself letting the wrong words accidentally slip out of my mouth, and he'd find out about me and Bobby, and it would be over. EVERYTHING would be over! Maybe I shouldn't say anything at all. Maybe I should just tell Bobby to keep his private hideout and that we can't ever do this again. I mean, I felt bad before, but it was NOTHING like it was when Brandon smiled at me and said goodbye once he got to class. He's all like, "I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to really talk. But I'll see you at lunch, and we can talk then, k?" Arrrgh! Don't be sweet to me! I'm an asshole!
So...I didn't tell him. In fact, I didn't meet him for lunch either. After the incident with that whore teaching my math class, I wasn't thinking straight. Besides, my mind had been building up this fear inside ever since this morning, and the imaginary consequences were getting worse and worse with every mental scenario. Whatever. I'll...tell him tomorrow instead. Tuesdays are better, right? (Okay, I just made that up. I don't know a damn thing about Tuesdays.) No...I know what I'll do. Tomorrow, I'll tell Bobby Jinette that we just won't be using his house this Thursday after all. In fact, that we won't be using it at all. I'll break it off with Bobby, and just hope that the past will be the past, without Brandon ever finding out about it. Well....it'll be ONE of those two. Because if I break it off with Bobby, then I lose Bobby AND the chance to be alone with Brandon. Maybe I'll break it off with Bobby AFTER Thursday instead, just in case I change my mind. Sighhh...I don't know. Is life this hard to figure out for everybody?
Anyway, I was gonna use Sam as an excuse to not meet Brandon for lunch. Something about his hazel eyes being all awesome and sparkly would have caused me to confess. I KNOW they would have! I break down SO easily in front of Brandon when he's happy. It makes him EXTRA cute, you know? But I ended up just leaving the building and going for a walk instead. Sam was being a bit too 'lovey dovey' for me to be able to stand him today. I saw him by the cafeteria, waiting for Joanna like the loyal little 'lapdog' that he is (I wonder if he does that on his own, or if she, like....MAKES him do it?), and I tried to have a conversation with him, but all he could talk about was how him and Joanna are finally gonna 'do it' tomorrow. Whatever.
Finally, she was coming down the hall, and he was all, "Listen...don't tell Joey I told you about tomorrow, k?" I asked him why, and he's like, "BECAUSE dude, you'll ruin it! This is supposed to be a secret! I'll never get any if she thinks I'm telling people about it."
I'm like, "You ARE telling people about it."
But he says, "I'm only telling YOU about it, and that's it!" Then he pauses for a second and goes, "Of course...when we come back on Wednesday, there might be a hell of a lot more to tell! Hehehe!" I don't know what I felt at that moment. It was either extreme anger, intense jealousy, or the beginnings of a very deep depression. Either way, when Joanna....sorry....when 'Joey' walked up and kissed him on the lips, I had all the sugar sweetness that I could handle for one day. So I told them that I was gonna go 'out' for lunch. Sam was like, "I thought you were gonna come eat with us?"
But I told him, "Nah, I can't. I've got some stuff I gotta do. Maybe tomorrow." I gave him a sarcastic look, but I don't think he got the negative hint. In fact, he 'smiled' at me, playfully raised his eyebrows, and he hugged Joanna even closer to his side than she was before. NOOOO!!! I'm not saying that with a wink and a smile! I'm MAD at you, ya jerk!
Anyway...all in all, a bad day. I guess I'm entitled to a few bad days every now and then, right? Whatever. I'm not gonna stress it. Everything's gonna be just fine. Brandon and I will talk, Bobby and I will stop, Joanna will keep her panties locked up tighter than Fort Knox, and that monkey faced whore substitute won't be seeing MY face in her class for as long as she's invading it. I don't have anything to worry about. Nothing at all. Screw it.
Oh yeah, one more thing before I go...I finally took that big final test today. The one Simon's been helping me with. You know, I actually kinda miss seeing him after school. I guess I had just adopted the habit. But whatever he taught me must have certainly sunk in pretty deep, because I actually felt like I knew what I was DOING in there. So wish me luck. My grade kinda depends pretty heavy on this test. If I did as well as I think I did....I owe it all to you, Simon. I won't forget it, dude.
Alright, I'm out of here. I'm gonna eat dinner, but it's gonna be hard to look my mom in the face knowing that I saw Dad's mistress today. Sighhh...I just wish I could scratch that out of my mind completely and not think about it anymore. Ugh!