- Busy day today, so I've got a LOT to go through. Most of it....um....kinda bad.

It's hard to even know where to begin. Ummm...ok, let's start off with the bitch that I DIDN'T go see today! Since this deceitful whore decided to take over my math class, I just decided not to go. Don't know what I missed, don't really care. I got this girl, Christie, to tell me whether or not our regular teacher was back yet. And until she tells me that bitch is gone, I'm simply not a part of that class anymore. So fuck it.

The consequences of said actions, however, go as follows...

When I got home, I made the mistake of answering the phone without looking to see who it was first. I half expected it to be Sam, calling to tell me how frustrated he was that Joanna backed out at the last minute and left him 'hanging' this afternoon. Instead....it turned out to be my dad. My face dropped instantly. Like, I could FEEL it, you know? I'm like, "I'm not talking to you." I don't even know where I found the courage to say something like that to my own father, but, funny thing, anger can give you the guts to do a LOT of shit that you wouldn't normally do.

He, naturally, got upset. He's all like, "Watch your tone, Billy. I'm still your father." And I don't really know how that works anymore. Or even IF that works anymore. I mean, how much influence can my dad possibly have when he's shacking up with some other woman on the other side of town? When he's not around to have any real impact on my life at all? When I know that his absence is the only thing that keeps my mom from crying herself to sleep every night? 'Still my father'? Psh! Whatever.

Sorry, I still love him, but the 'substitute teacher' thing was the final straw for me.

I'm like, "If you wanna talk to Mom, I'll put her on."

And he's like, "I want to talk to YOU. Why weren't you in class today?"

So I say, "I don't know what you're talking about."

And HE says, "You know what the hell I'm talking about! What's the deal with you? You're ditching school now?"

So, I'm like, "I didn't ditch school. I ditched CLASS! So what? Is your 'girlfriend' telling on me now?"

I honestly don't think he had an answer ready for that, because he paused for a second. Then he's like, "Billy...if you want to talk to me, all you have to do is call or come over. You know that. I'm trying to be as honest with you as I can, but you won't let me."

So I say, "That's bullshit. There's NOTHING honest about what you did to me and Mom. So if you want to talk to her, then fine. That's her decision But I don't want to talk to you."

He managed to get out the words, "Dammit, Billy..." Before I hung up the phone in his face. I remember actually trembling when I did it. I mean, there's this dominant force in him that reminds me that this is actually my 'father' that I'm talking to. But I think I'm beyond spankings, and I can hardly be grounded by someone who isn't even in the same house as I am. So what can he really do to me, you know? Anyway, he called back, and I just let it ring until my mom picked it up, and another argument started. Especially once she found out that 'you know who' was my new substitute.

My mom was like, "Well, what did you expect him to do when you sent that woman into his school? He doesn't owe her anything." I tell you, I was routing for my mom all the way. She told him how it was far from appropriate for his new girlfriend to be my substitute teacher, and how he should have talked to me about this ahead of time...she totally laid into him! SWEET! Go for it, Mom! It was the first time that I was actually happy to see them fighting.

However, the aftermath wasn't really so pretty. After all, I WAS caught ditching class. My mom told me to go to my room, and said that she'd figure out what to do with me later. Now, how I play this is CRUCIAL over the next couple of days! If I can be a complete 'goodie two shoes' for the rest of the night, pretend to be REALLY sorry, and kinda remind her to focus her anger on my dad instead of on me...then I can get out of this with only doing a few extra chores and getting that long 'I'm disappointed in you' lecture at the dinner table. That I can deal with. But I CAN'T get grounded! I have to try my HARDEST not to get grounded, or this whole week goes to SHIT! No Brandon at Bobby's house on Thursday, no Jamie Cross party on Friday, and no weekend fun at all. I don't want that! So I've got to make sure that all of my plans are kept extra secret for now. If she finds out that I have big plans this week, that'll be the first thing she'll snatch away from me for punishment. So keep quiet about my activities, wash the dishes after dinner without being asked, and make my dad's girlfriend the enemy in all this so I'm not taking all the heat on this one. Easy.

Don't worry, I've gotten a lot of practice in avoiding maximum parental punishment, believe me.

Alright, up next, is Brandon. I hit a slight snag in telling him about Thursday today. I might be able to use it to my advantage tomorrow though. See, while we were going to lunch, me and Brandon bumped into Simon in the hallway. He asked me how I think I did on the big test yesterday, and I told him that I think it went ok. But I won't know until tomorrow for sure. Simon kinda gave me a hug spontaneously, and it surprised me, but I smiled just the same. Then he looked over at Brandon, and I swear that I could see those wheels turning again. So Simon's like, "Well...that's all I really wanted to know. Let me know what you got when you grade comes back, k? I'll let you two get on to lunch or whatever." And he waves at Brandon, and says, "See you guys later." He's GOTTA know that we're together! Which would have bothered me a lot before, but now...I don't know. I kinda like the idea that I might be able to show Brandon off to Simon every now and then. He IS the 'prettiest' boy in school, after all.

However, I kinda screwed up a little bit shortly afterwards. I'm not sure where my mind was or why I was stupid enough to let it just 'slip out' the way I did...but I kinda told Brandon that Simon knows about me. I was just smiling and feeling good at the moment, and Brandon asked me what I was so happy about...so I just....kinda....said, "I told him."

Brand was like, "You TOLD him??? You mean, like....TOLD him, told him?"

And I said, "Yeah. I did. He's the first person I ever told, and he was cool with it. It's just...weird, you know?"

Brandon was quiet for a second. I think I just expected him to shrug his shoulders and be happy for me. But his reaction seemed a bit, I don't know, confused. He asked me, "Does he know about us?"

And I said, "I don't think so. I mean, I didn't tell him that part, but Simon figures things out pretty quickly on his own sometimes."

Brandon and I were walking outside to go eat lunch, and he was being really quiet. At first it was like he was nervous, but then it was different. When I asked him what was up, he was like, "Nothing. It's just...I can't believe you told Simon of all people. That's all."

So I said, "Why? He's my friend."

And he says, "Well, yeah...I know. But...when I mentioned telling Bobby Jinette about us, you kinda freaked out on me. And Bobby's actually gay. I just find it kinda strange that you thought it was ok to tell Simon and not Bobby."

I think I panicked at first, because I had completely forgotten about that part. But, I think I covered pretty well, if I do say so myself. I was like, "Well...I was kinda building up to telling Bobby. That's all. I had never done it before, and I was scared. I mean...maybe I should." See, my brain was actually working RIGHT for a change! So I started thinking, if I tell Brandon that I just told Bobby that I was gay, and that we were together, then that would be the PERFECT excuse for him to have us over to his house for some fun time! Right? I mean, that's kinda logical, right? I don't know, but if I kind of let Bobby in on the plan, and he goes along with it, then me and Brandon can have the house to ourselves without any messy explanations as to why this is possible. I just have to keep my mind functioning long enough to pull it off. Wish me luck on that one.

Oh....yeah.....the 'other' part....

After talking to my dad tonight, I wasn't in much of a mood to answer the phone. Even though I saw that one of the calls was from Lee. He didn't leave a message. And several other calls were coming from Sam's house. I was thinking that he must really be upset to want to vent that badly! But after a bunch of unanswered calls, Sam just got on his bike and came over to my house. It was like ten o'clock, and he just HAD to talk to me! My mom let him in, but reminded him that it was a school night and all. I couldn't explain why he had such a fucking weird look on his big dumb face...but I was soon to find out.

"WE DID IT!!!" He said.

I'm like, "Did what?"

And he says, "*IT*, DUDE!!! WE DID IT!!!" And then he literally starts 'dancing' in front of me! Some kinda stupid...fucking....DANCE thing! It was so...GOOFY! I don't think that I could really believe my ears. I was looking at MY best friend...and he had been....de-virginized. By a GIRL! Honestly, I thought that I was gonna totally throw up when I heard him say that. She's not supposed to 'give it up' to Sam like that! Not MY Sam! He's....he's MINE dammit!!!

God....if only I had the words to describe how HURT and DISGUSTED I am right now! I felt completely numb as he sat on my bed and described the whole experience for me....in detail. And all I could think of was how many years I had spent secretly taking peeks at Sam's ass, or how many cheap feels I had gotten on him while we were wrestling, or how I used to think about kissing him in his sleep whenever he stayed over at my house. It was like a lifetime's worth of memories...destroyed by one brazen act. I think a part of me just disconnected from Sam altogether when he told me that he had sex with someone else for the first time. Possibly forever.

He was like, "It was really warm, and kinda wet. And we were kissing, and it felt SO awesome! She bled a little bit, and I was thinking that I hurt her or something, but she told me it was ok. But DUDE....you've totally got to get laid! It's amazing! We did it like FIVE times or something like that! Omigod...and her tits are incredible! She really likes it when I suck on 'em and stuff...." He just kept going, and I just kept finding more reasons to cry as soon as he left.

I tried to pretend that I was all cheerful and happy for him. But really...who am I fooling? I hated him. I hated her. And I just don't know if I can ever look them in the face again without seeing that scene graphically being played out in the back of my mind. I can't believe how much that hurts. I can't BELIEVE....how fucking much that really fucking HURTS!!!

I don't want to write anymore. I'm gonna go.

Bye.....

- Billy