- Like I didn't know THIS was coming! Well, that's it! it's over! It's ALLLLLLL over! I have just stepped out of the airplane without a parachute! I'm just waiting for the inevitable SPLAT at the bottom!!!
Ok, so I talked to Joanna in the cafeteria lunch line today. It wasn't anything special really, and I hadn't PLANNED on it like this, but she knew what she was doing. And she's not being that much of a 'chicken' anymore either when it comes to talking to me. I was standing there in line, ready to get whatever radioactive slop they were dishing out for that day, and she walked right over to me and started gabbing away like we weren't on display for everybody in the whole damn SCHOOL! I KNOW they were watching. And I'm sure they were gossiping about it only SECONDS later! I know how high school rumors work, and by the time the people involved even know what's going on, everyone else has already gotten front row seats and are taking bets on what's gonna happen next. Not to mention that, despite my attempts to contain the situation, Joanna has evidently been telling her friends repeatedly that she likes me. Sam said that he heard (from other girls) that she REALLY likes my pretty eyes! And she said she likes my soft blond hair, and she likes my...um...body? My 'body'? I'll have to admit, THAT particular comment made me run for a mirror to see if I had missed something during the many showers I've taken in the last 14 years of my life. Is my body that....attractive? Really? Um....ok. Geez! This is WEIRD! I'm not cute...not really. Am I? I don't think so. Does she??? Does anybody else??? Arrrgh! Whatever.
Anyway, so she's talking to me about 'school stuff', and she's kinda standing in line with me, reeaaaally close. Like 'shoulder touching' close. And...that makes it look like we're...you know...'together'. So I look over, and see her friends are kinda giggling to themselves in the background. Like "Awww, they're so cute!" or whatever it is that girls say to each other about this shit...and I can just feel myself getting boxed in more and more by the whole situation. And it's not just the giggling girls looking for the romance to suddenly spark up and take over, but I'm suddenly getting this subliminal pressure from the boys too. The ones who are desperately looking to score with the first hot chick that they can find who won't kick them in the nuts for trying anything 'funny'. They're silently rooting for me to get with Joanna so I can tell them all about it once I know what it feels like. I'll be TRAPPED! By everyone! By the school, who is always watching me, 'judging' me every minute of the day. By my parents, who will eventually start to wonder why I've never had a serious girlfriend before once I turn Joanna down. By society, who's only interest is that I mate and multiply to insure the survival of the 'species'. By my best friend, Sam, who is supposedly doing his best to make me happy. By whatever closet homosexuals around who might have been inerested, but are now turning their backs on me because they think I'm straight. My life feels like it's closing in on me quick, and as Joanna spoke to me more and more in that damn lunchline, I felt almost suffocated by it.
The HARDEST thing to believe about all of this (no pun intended), is that when she started smiling and talking to me all sweet...I actually got...um....'aroused'. It HAS to be an equipment malfuncton or something.
Especially for her to be able to do it to me so easily. I swear, it was like fucking 'black magic' or something. She'd occassionally touch my arm or look me in the eyes until I'd have to turn away and distract myself with something else before I got even harder. I mean, I was seriously getting REALLY hard! WHY??? Did God suddenly flick my switch to 'heterosexual' all of the sudden just to fuck with me? I literally had to lean against the wall with one leg up just to keep from showing my 'joystick' to everybody in the cafeteria! How am I supposed to ward off girls when they're using their special brand of voodoo to get my erection to start acting all crazy???
I was able to get away from her by shyly shrugging off the conversation by the register, and made a daring escape out to the courtyard with Sam while she was paying for her bananna and milk. She didn't really chase me, but things are getting to be harder and harder to dodge. Something tells me it's going to have to come down to a 'yes' or 'no' spoken response soon. And I still don't know what I'll say just yet! Please Lord...just give me a few more days! Just a FEW! I'll think of something!
- An update on life...Brandon is definitely adding to my aggravation at this point. I finally caught him in the library again after another hardcore search for him in the halls. I guess he had to go back there eventually, no matter HOW hard he tried to avoid me. He's like addicted to the place. Anyway, I walked in, expecting to find his usual little corner of the room empty. But there he was, looking pretty as ever. Maybe even moreso. At first, I was kinda mad, and expecting to stomp over there and ask him what the hell was wrong with him. But...he was just....looking so cute that I....I couldn't bring myself to attack him, you know? I don't know if I was just glad to see him, or if he really bridged that gap from being pretty to downright hot...but he looked incredible. His hair was almost getting to the point where he'd be getting it cut again soon. You know, not too long, but full and flowing. Like a chestnut river. His arms looked soft, his neck looked soft...sighhh...why couldn't it be HIM with the crush on me?
So I talk to him and he almost looked sad to see me. He tried to hide it well, but it didn't work. He was, like.....pouting, almost. I attempted to start some kind of a regular conversation, but it just wasn't natural from his end of the table. I don't even know if he was really even listening to me. And I kept asking him if he was ok, and he kept saying, "Yeah, I'm fine." But he's NOT fine!!! I KNOW he's not fine! He's being weird, and withdrawn, and...and...I miss my 'pretty to look at' friend! It should be against some kind of natural law for anybody that cute to be...secluded. It's just not fair.
Now for the TERRIBLE news! I talked to Simon this morning, and you wanna know what he said to me??? He says, "Hey, I heard about you and Joanna. Cool." HE WHAT??????????
He HEARD??? About US??? There IS no us! I didn't agree to any contractual bonding of souls recently! I nearly shook him to pieces trying to find out who told him, but I didn't get an answer. He smiled at me and said he just 'knows'. Evidently he thinks it's great. How can he think it's GREAT? He's supposed to be working on being my boyfriend! (Or something) He's not supposed to think this is 'great' at ALL, not by any means. I was stuck trying to interpret his reaction to it all. Is it real? Is it fake? Did he mean it, or was he trying to cover up? I mean...what the hell is this turning into? If Simon knows about it, imagine how many of the really popular kids know about it! No, no, NO! I can't let Simon start thinking I'm straight! Not now that I'm so close to getting him naked! I've gotta start acting more gay around him or something. At least the door will be wide open as long as he thinks he has a chance. I've just gotta start thinking gay, that's all. If I screw this up....Simon will NEVER have sex with me! Not ever! Both him AND Brandon will be scratching me off of their fuckable list, and I'll be alone until I'm 80 years old and have to take my dentures out to suck ANYBODY'S dick! Grrrrr!
This is such a mess! I'm so stuck. The best thing about today was the fact that I was able to make it through without so much as a single spoken word from Joanna. But she keeps staring at me, and now I'm noticing this dreamy look in her eyes. You know...kinda glazed over. Like a professional boxer's eyes get in the 10th round. I certainly hope that I don't look at Jamie Cross like that. If so, I must be broadcasting my boner fantasies all over town. So she's definitely, like, in love with me.
All I've gotta do now....is make her STOP!
I've gotta go. Nothing else to report today really. Jimmy waved at me once, and then he walked into a wall. Hehehe, is that boy mental, or what? God, he's a weirdo. I'm gonna stop here. But I'll add some more tomorrow. I hope it'll be better news than it was today.
- Well...It's almost over now. The final stage has been breached, and the ladies are officially storming the castle.
Joanna made it a point to talk to me again today. But for a bit longer this time. I guess staring at me from across the room isn't good enough for her anymore. So...it was the same place, same time, lunch line, right? And she comes over to me with a smile and says hello. I can tell she's nervous by the shakiness in her voice. And that's making ME nervous because it means that she's gonna take a bigger step than usual. As though things weren't bad enough. I look around to see if her friends were watching this time, but they seem to have walked away on their own. Like...to give us privacy or something. Once I saw her troops leave the line...I knew the battle was about to begin.
It started off as small talk. About school, and the weather, and what we were having for lunch. And I answered with as little actual 'interaction' as I possibly could without being...well...rude. Avoiding her eye contact was crucial. A big boner won't help to discourage her, you know? But even with me trying to be standoffish, she just kept asking more questions and trying to involve me in a conversation that I couldn't get away from. Then she started 'touching' me again. On the arm. On the chest. On the shoulder too. I noticed she stares at my lips a lot. What's wrong with my lips? Are they 'cute' too? She said my eyes were pretty...am I loking at her too much. I should hide my eyes. I wish I had some sunglasses. My body started to react all on its own again, and I got almost fully hard just from having her visually worship me the way she was. So I got stuck leaning against the wall again, and since I was at full mast, I couldn't move away from her and make another escape. Then she's all, "I like it when you lean like that. It's cute." It was the first 'post-knowing-she-likes-me' compliment she had given me, and it gave me the chills something awful.
She says, "A lot of the things you do are...really cute. Almost everything." Which makes me blush, and I'm almost trembling at this point. Then she's like, "Actually, Billy...I like you a lot. I mean...I really do like you. You know?"
And I'm like, "Oh...that's cool." Because I didn't know what else to say! I had butterflies in my stomach, and I was practically turning purple, and I couldn't look her in the eye. It was awful! Then, I think the shy guy act was turning her on even more or something because she got so close that she was touching me again.
And she's like, "I think you're sooo cute, Billy."
And I'm like, "Really?"
And she's like, "Yeah. Really. I do."
And I'm like..."Oh...that's cool." Again! My tongue was tied in a knot and my mind wasn't working right. Probably from lack of oxygen, considering that I couldn't BREATHE at the time. Not to mention I had this huge steel pipe in my pants and it wouldn't go down no matter how much I wanted it to. I was kinda hoping someone would come over and save me. A friend, a teacher, the police, God, a fire drill, a nuclear missle launch...ANYTHING! Just to get away scott free. No such luck though.
Then, as if things couldn't get any worse...Jamie 'fucking' Cross comes into the lunch line, looks directly at me, and then keeps walking. He saw me talking to a GIRL!!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
At that point, I immediately told her that I had to go. I just balanced my little bit of food in one hand and used the tray to hide my erection from anyone looking. Now that I think about it, I must have looked like a total idiot, carrying my lunch in one hand and a tray in the other. But I TOLD you, my mind wasn't working right. So...I left. I got away with just a friendly "Bye..." from her and a slight wave. The distraction might have granted me an extra DAY, tops! But she'd be dropping the bomb on me any time now. Then it's just a matter of me saying yay or nay. An answer that the whole world will be listening for, and asking uncomfortable questions about, no matter which road I pick. My only hope now is that she gets hit by a bus or something before asking me.
Sighhh...I know, I know. Bad Billy. But I'm desperate here. My mind won't help me think of an exit, and things are moving too fast to stop them now. I guess I'll just have to hide for as long as I can, and...wing it. Who knows? Maybe I'll get lucky.
Maybe she has a really hot brother.
I'll write more later. I've gotta eat dinner. Seeya.