- Sam approached me in the hall today, obviously at the end of his restraint, and finally asked me what the fuck was 'wrong' with me. He practically shouted it out in the middle of the hallway with everybody watching. Another wall closing in on me in the whole situation with Joanna, making my 'quiet' escape that much harder to accomplish. He says he's been holding back on saying anything because he thought I was just being shy, or waiting for the right moment, or whatever. But he couldn't wait another minute. So he came right out and asked me what I was waiting for. I didn't know what to say. What was I supposed to say?
Well.....I KNOW what I was SUPPOSED to say to him. But....I just don't think I'll ever have the nerve to say it. Not even to my best friend in the world. I know that I pretend that it doesn't bother me, being in the closet, and that it's nobody else's business anyway. And I know that it shouldn't be any big deal, so why stress it, you know? But at times like these...I begin to realize what a crippling feeling it is to not be able to explain to people why I'm so.....not 'normal'. I realize how much it hurts to not be able to shout out what I'm feeling inside to the people I love most of all. Or to anybody, for that matter. Sam was standing right there in front of me, and I could have just...'told' him. I could have spilled my heart out at his feet, laid it all on the line, and he'd instantly understand why this couldn't happen. He'd leave the whole idea of me and Joanna having this white pickett fence and three kids alone, and he'd never ask about it again. With just a few honest words about who I am...I could have put an end to all of this hiding and ducking looks and dodging questions forever. I could stop the act and just...be me. But it's never that easy, is it? Not ever.
Sam's been my best friend since we were little kids. And I trust him, really I do. But....what if he hated me? It's unlikely, but WHAT IF? What if he couldn't deal with it? What if he told somebody? What if he told EVERYBODY??? I read somewhere online that people will understand and love you anyway if they're really your friends. And if they're not friends, you're better off without them. But do those people ever stop to think about what losing someone so close to you can DO to you inside? How much it would hurt to lose your link to everything that you hold dear to you? I can't imagine a day in my life when my thoughts would wander to Sam, and he wouldn't be there. I can't imagine not having that base in my life, that foundation for everything even remotely 'social' in my life. Everything we are, our personality, our thoughts about life, even our sense of humor...we built them together. What happens when we can't share that understanding with each other anymore? I don't know...maybe I'm blowing this all out of proportion, and maybe it's just another excuse to cover up the fact that I'm scared shitless about telling Sam I'm gay, but it's not something that I can ignore. Not something I'm really willing to risk. I know for a fact that my life would be extremely lonely without him. So for now, it's not worth it. It's just not worth it.
Luckily, Sam let me go with just a few shy giggles and telling him that, "I've got it under control. Just be patient.". So he didn't really push too hard. I was thinking that if I could hold off for long enough, then she'd naturally fall for someone else. Maybe some hunky foreign exchange student will transfer to our school and she'll be so mesmerized that she'll wonder what she ever saw in me. Then again, another one of my plans was to actually say yes, date her for a little bit, and then she'll get tired of me. I mean, high school relationships don't last that long.....right? At least not all of them. Well...not THAT many. ANYWAY....it's not like she'll be asking me for sex or anything. If none of the other guys can get laid, I can't see why I'd be any different.
Then again....she DID say she liked my 'body'. Which....I'm still trying to figure out what that means.
Anyway, I'm tired. And the rest of the day was pretty uneventful anyway. So why waste the ink, you know? I'll write more later. Seeya.
- Tomorrow is Saturday, and I'm going to have Simon over again for a while. My parents are going to some work related picnic in the morning, which I already told them I'm NOT going to! The last thing is a bunch of my mom's co-workers hugging me and telling me dumb stuff they remember me doing when I was 4 years old. (Usually with their tongues soaked in the scent of beer and cigarettes) So we should have some time alone. I'm not getting my hopes up this time though. I'd still love to suck him HARD until he dropped from the exhaustion! Hehehe! But...chances are, it's not gonna happen.
I still look for Brandon when I can, but he just kinda waves from across the hall nowadays. And halfheartedly at that. I don't know what to do about him anymore. It's gotten to the point where I'm trying to get used to just not having him talk to me anymore. But I must admit, it gave me some great fantasies in the back of my mind. Like...Brandon had heard about Joanna and me from somebody, and he was secretly gay, and had this huge crush on me. And now he's sad because he thinks I'm straight, but when I tell him I'm not he instantly becomes my boyfriend. You know how your mind works when it comes to wishful thinking...'happily ever after' kind of shit. I pictured myself walking home with him after school, and him closing the door to my bedroom while I set my bag down. And he'd smile at me while I wrap my arms around him and rub his buns with both of my hands...they'd be so soft. After watching him sit there in that library for the past few weeks or so, I can remember almost every curve of him. And then I'd kiss him on those pretty puffy lips of his, and we'd make love until the sun went down. I do tend to romanticize it a bit sometimes, with some rather graphic 'details' thrown in, but I imagined it being a little something like that. If only.
I also saw Jimmy LaPlane again today in the halls. A few times actually. He waved in a sort of secret manner, and I nodded my head to show that I noticed him waving. But he got really weird about it. You know? Like, he didn't expect me to say hi to him or anything. I don't think he expects anybody to be nice to him. I've been dealing with a few 'mishaps' in my life recently, so I haven't really paid him that much attention for a while now. And I really did feel bad about him getting beaten up and all, and it's not fair the way people treat him sometimes. But...we weren't really 'friends'. I hate to say that, but it's true. At the end of the day, I don't know anything ABOUT Jimmy, and he doesn't know anything about me either. What's worse, I don't think we have enough in common to really make an effort out of it. Still, Jimmy obviously needed somebody, and I needed for somebody to need me. So I guess it was a temporary fix for the both of us, even if it was a bit of a 'friendship from afar' deal. I didn't hate him, I just didn't know him. Deep down, I hope he's alright though. It would suck to walk around sad and alone all the time.
As for Joanna, she's backed off of me for the last day or two. I mean considerably. I mean...I saw her in the hall, and she just smiled and kept walking. She didn't even come to find me at lunch. At first, it was a sigh of relief, because I didn't really have to go dipping out on her in the hallways. But NOW it's kinda starting worry me! She's not just laying low for no reason. She's planning something. I KNOW she is! It's like seeing the battle submarine suddenly submerging itself underwater before launching torpedoes! She must be readying herself for a major offensive. I'm preparing myself with a number of excuses and delay tactics just in case her and her brigade of fem-bot soldiers decide to attack. Ladies and Gentlemen....this has just became a game of chess. Let's see whose strategy works the best.
Geez, somebody just slammed the back door REALLY hard! Which means we're either being invaded by the local S.W.A.T. team, or my parents are fighting again. Sighhh...I'm gonna go. I'll write more later.
You know, everything went as planned...and yet NOTHING went as planned! My parents went away, I got myself looking...you know...as sexy as possible, and Simon came over to the house to spend some time alone with me. But that's as far as the good news goes. Um...well, sorta.
See, we were playing games as always, just laughing and having a good time. I think Simon likes having a good friend with most people at school thinking he's some kind of nerd or something. He's really not by the way. He might share some of the same looks as your typical nerd posterboy, but it's just not in him at all. Anyone who takes the time to talk to him can tell you that. It kinda takes me back to Jimmy yesterday and his secret wave to me in the hall. Image is everything in that place. High school is a pool of fucking ravenous sharks, believe me.
So anyway, Simon was having a good time at my house. But somewhere between games, he just stops and wants to talk to me. You know? Like, just talk. Now normaly I would think that this is a good thing, but considering that I wasn't expecting anything big to come out of this visit, I didn't really prepare myself for a 'moment' or anything like that. I think my brain got stuck somewhere.
So...he's talking to me, and the conversation wanders over to me and Joanna. And no...he STILL won't tell me where he heard about us! And he was asking if I had made any 'moves' on her yet. It's the type of question that Simon never asks anybody. At least as far as my knowledge of him goes. I told him that I hadn't, and he asked why not. I should have taken it as a signal. I should have just come right out and said that I wasn't really interested, and maybe that would kinda open the door for him to walk right in and say, "Simon, I'm gay. I love you. Please fuck me in the ass." Or one of it's many romantic variations. But...me being the dork that I am, didn't really give any specific reasons for waiting this long.
It got to the point where he had to try to draw blood just to get me to answer any questions about her at all. And all this time, my heart is screaming, "He's TRYING to figure you out, you asshole! Give in! Tell him you like him and then jump his bones!" But I talked myself out of it. Turning the video game back on just to get some 'distance' from the topic of 'girls' in general. WHY I thought that this move would somehow help my chances of getting Simon naked...I don't know! But it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Then...before Simon leaves, do you wanna know what he says to me? He says, "I wish I had someone too." What the hell does THAT mean??? Was that my omen? Was I supposed to jump on that? Like...like a HINT or something? I...DON'T...KNOW!!! Why did he say that to me? Now he's gone and fucked my head up even worse than before, and he's got me thinking that he likes me or something! It took a couple of seconds for my head to stop spinning, but when I thought of something clever to say in return, he had already changed the subject and was picking up his stuff to leave! So...what do I do? I'm gonna try to invite him over again soon, and I'll be SURE to have my head on straight this time! Because if this hot little boy is giving me clues, then I wanna be able to see them head on so he can't get away from me.
Who knows....next week, I might just be wrapping my lips around his love stick! That'll make BOTH of us happy! Hehehe!
I'm keeping my fingers crossed!