- Yay. Wow. Whoopee. Whatever.
You know, despite all the sudden 'hype' surrounding me today, I think I was officially the most depressed 'popular kid' in the whole damn school.
Honestly. After my party this past weekend, it seems like every single person in this whole school looks at me differently. Better, actually. I mean, I had people inviting me to eat lunch with them and stuff! Some of 'em were just asking me to hang out. People who NEVER talked to me a day in their LIVES...suddenly knew me by name and wanted to strike up random conversations with me out of the blue in the hallway. It was like being a celebrity ten times over. It was MUCH more of a response than anything I got from going to Jamie Cross' party a few weeks ago. And...I would have LOVED every minute of it...
..If only I had my Brandon to share it with me.
But.........he isn't, is he?
Believe me, there is nothing more....emotionally destructive...than being without my baby. None of this matters. NONE of it! I don't care about ANY of these people right now...I just want my boyfriend back! He's my air, my water, my shelter from the elements. And now he's....gone.
He's gone because I was STUPID!!! Because I'm a total fucking asshole and RUINED it all!!! And I *WISH* that I could come up with some effective way to punish myself enough for my loss to somehow have meaning. To somehow get enough vengeance for my idiotic fuck up to just....'go away' But I couldn't. There wasn't a punishment STRONG enough to make the guilt of it disappear. To hurt me badly enough to make me really suffer and feel like it would be enough of a noble sacrifice for breaking his heart the way I did. And I think, at the end of the day, that hurt more than anything.
I had to walk those halls today, greeting a hundred smiling faces, all wanting to see something 'flashy' and 'popular' from me. I was supposed to put on this great big 'smiley face' for the public, and all the while...the misery I was hiding inside was almost unbearable. The harder I tried to hold it back, the harder it fought to be free of its cage. I don't know HOW many times that I had to hold back tears today, but it was a lot. It was a pressure so incredibly powerful that I had to literally hold my breath to keep it steady. It would push and press and bubble and boil deep in the very center of me...but I just refused to let a single tear drop. How could I? What could I possibly say to anybody to explain why I was crying? Why I felt so 'gutted' all of the sudden.
Yeah...'popularity' didn't do me any good today. Because...what it really comes down to...is having more people to hide from when you're hurting. And I've been hurt enough in my life to know that it isn't something you ever want to put on display for...'the people'.
I only saw Brandon once today. I guess he had done a pretty expert job of dodging me up until that one accidental moment when I happened to catch sight of him at his locker. I got really nervous...wanting to approach him, but knowing that I should prolly keep my distance. He saw me watching him from a few feet away, and I REALLY just wanted him to talk to me, even if it was just to give him the opportunity to curse me out again and tell me what a jerk I was to sleep with Bobby Jinette. But he didn't He didn't say anything at all. The fact that I even crossed his vision ANGERED him. And he slammed his locker shut, stomping away in the other direction so he wouldn't even have to LOOK at my stupid face. And there was that 'pressure' again. Almost choking me from within as the compelling urge to break down into a fit of sobs and sniffles nearly overwhelmed every part of me.
I don't know what I was thinking, really. I don't know.....
Maybe I just...kinda thought that things might go back to being ok once he had a day or two to cool down so we could talk and work things out. After all, anything that hurts this much has GOTTA be hurting him too! At LEAST a little bit! It's not like he can just 'dump' me and conveniently forget that we were ever together. That we were ever in love once. It's not like he can just be soooo cold as to brush me off of his fucking shoulder like a disgusting patch of fucking DIRT and 'move on' like I don't exist! I mean...despite my fucked up actions...it was never my actual INTENTION to hurt him! But him? He's doing this on 'purpose'. He's....
Sighhh...who am I kidding? There's no way for me to turn this around on him. I can't rationalize this out to be his fault. It's MY fault! *I* caused this. And he's never gonna forgive me, is he?
I deserve it. I deserve to be treated like shit. I AM shit. I'm scum. LOWER than scum. And I just....don't know what to do with the feeling in my heart right now. There's so much...SHAME swirling around in my system right now...I don't know how to take it all. It's never hit me this hard. It's never been this bad. And the longer I go without Brandon's love to light up my dark and dismal days...the worse things are going to get.
It was especially hard avoiding people in the halls today. Even Jamie Cross seemed to want to talk to me at lunch time. And yet...I just gave him a soft spoken 'hello', and preferred to go eat lunch somewhere else by myself. Even with Sam and Joanna encouraging me to come sit with them...I decided to just take my stuff outside and not be around anybody else for a while. I just needed a few moments of total isolation. Anything less would be a complete betrayal of everything that Brandon and I had together. I didn't deserve to sit and smile with anybody. Not yet. Not today Maybe not ever again.
I couldn't bring myself to look Bobby Jinette in the eye when gym class rolled around. I didn't even know how I was going to react when I saw him again. My first instinct, naturally, was to whip that tattle tale son of a bitch within an inch of his miserable fucking LIFE!!!! If...if only I had the energy. If only I could have somehow generated the power I needed to lift my head long enough to even give him a dirty look. But I couldn't. I was so...'dead' inside. I walked right past him and didn't even do so much as to give him the finger. He didn't even....exist to me any more. As far as my heart is concerned, Bobby Jinette is just a wild figment of my imagination. And he can't expect anything but hostility and hatred from me for as long as we both live and beyond.
He tried to talk to me, and I ignored him. I didn't even look in his direction for fear that the rage of seeing him face to face would cause me to start swinging involuntarily. It wasn't his fault either...not entirely. But at that moment...I was a powder keg waiting to blow as far as his little 'confession' was concerned. If he thinks he knows what 'pain' is now..wait until I get enough emotional stamina to give him the righteous ass kicking that he deserves for telling Brandon what happened between us. In fact, I doubt that just ONE beating would even be enough. He might just be in for a daily beat down for the next three years of high school, the way I feel right now.
I felt my fist tighten up and my teeth grinding, as Bobby saw me walking past him without even acknowledging his presence. And he's like, "If it makes you feel any better...Brandon hates me too." He kinda whined it, almost as if it was an 'apology' or something. But FUCK HIM!!!! FUCK BOBBY JINETTE!!!! FUCK HIS LOVE!!! FUCK HIS HEARTACHE!!! AND *FUCK* HIS APOLOGY!!! He can fucking puke his heart out and kick it over to me so I can fucking STOMP on it until he's finished fucking BURNING in fucking HELL for all I care!!!!!!!
I don't think I've ever hated anybody soooooooo much!!!!
He didn't even come to gym class today! He didn't dare! I had just seen him minutes before, and I guess he just decided to ditch. GOOD! Like I give a fuck! I swear to GOD...I'm gonna beat the living SHIT out of him the next time he opens his mouth to me! If he says just ONE more word...just *ONE* more...I'm gonna rip that fucking faggot limb from fucking limb!!!!!
Shit...ok, I just tore a hole in the page with my pen from writing so hard! I should probably stop while I've still got my temper under control. I'm not writing any more tonight. I'm just....I'm gonna go calm down. I need the most violent video game I OWN right now if I'm gonna make it to tomorrow without climbing a clock tower with a RIFLE at this point!
I already know that I can't be more disgusted with myself than I am right now....but being mad at Bobby and his stupid fucking FACE...I can do that all DAY!!! And he's gonna pay for this! Trust me! He's gonna PAY!!!