- I had to literally take TWO naps after the labor I was put through today! I swear...my mom is totally taking advantage of this punishment situation! I mean, Jesus, we're gonna have a fucking MTV crib when I'm through cleaning and polishing everything up like this! My God...at least the Karate Kid got to learn a martial art from it all!
All I'm learning how to do is sleep more than twice a day and how to appropriately apply sore muscle ointment after my third shower of the day.
So...today, after taking a tiny ass broom and sweeping EVERY leaf, rock, stick, and grain of dirt, out of the front and back driveway...followed by a wonderful afternoon of cleaning out the gutters on the roof of 'guck' and 'garbage'...I was given the glamorous task of taking the hose on the side of the house and washing out those big smelly garbage cans by the alley! Why the hell would anybody want to wash out freakin' garbage cans anyway? They're made for holding GARBAGE!!! Who CARES if they're clean or not???
Anyway, I was so sore and tired that I could barely lift my fork and knife to eat dinner tonight. I think something about seeing me so tired made her feel bad or something, because she had one of those rare moments when I could see her looking at me as though she just wanted to 'connect' somehow. Funny thing...I'm 14 years old...I don't know if I know HOW to 'connect' with my parents anymore. I mean...how could they possibly understand what I'm going through, you know? Even if they WERE teenagers once...it was in a different time. A different era entirely. And even THEN..if they could somehow bridge that giant gap between their generation and mine..they didn't have to do it as a homosexual. The way I see it...they got off easy. They have a house, a child, a good job, a marriage (as fucked up as that turned out to be)...they got the textbook 'good life' that everybody talks about. The kind of cinematic success that most people dream of. What do I get? Where is 'my' happy ending, you know? I guess Hollywood hasn't written that movie yet. Maybe it just isn't as 'marketable' as the...other one. The 'straight' one.
Sighhhh...God, I miss writing about Brandon in here. Hell...I even miss writing about Bobby sometimes. I felt like I needed that again. Just...something to keep from depressing myself all the time, you know?
Well, I must have been looking pretty damn bad tonight, because my mom offered to let me check my email.
I KNOW, right??? I didn't expect that either!
I instantly felt, like this bolt of energy had shocked me right out of my chair! I hopped up, my eyes wide with excitement, and asked her, "REALLY??? Omigod, THANK YOU!!!" I was trying not to scream, but I think it came out kinda 'loud' anyway!
She instantly hardened up a bit, and took a moment to lay down some very strict ground rules. "You've got THIRTY minutes...and that's it. You hear me? Thirty minutes to check your email, and then you turn it off and it's no more internet until Thursday. I mean it, Billy. Don't think for one minute that this is an excuse to get out of your punishment." I had to work hard to keep from giggling and jumping up and down, because that jittery energy was definitely there...pushing my level of excitement to its very limit. I mean...you have no IDEA how fucking 'out of touch' I've been since I've been on punishment! It's like, ridiculous! I might as well have been locked up in a freakin' CAVE for the last four days!
I think my eager expression made her regret even making the suggestion of letting me check my email. But, at the same time, I was dancing around on my tiptoes so frantically in anticipation of her confirming what she had just said out loud...that she had no choice than to go through with it. I mean, it would have been unbelievably heartless and downright cruel to say something like that and then just 'snatch' it back from me at the last minute. So she sighed for a moment...and then told me to go ahead. But let me know that she'd be 'timing me'...so I had to make it quick! I wasn't about to question it, not for a moment! I ran over to give her a big kiss on the cheek and quickly sprinted back to my bedroom to boost up my system and engorge myself on whatever information that I had missed since last Thursday!
You can't IMAGINE how good it felt to get reconnected to my friends again. I was especially excited to see my email almost flooded with stuff from people who never wrote to me before. It was weird at first, because I recognized the names, but they had never felt the need to say anything to me before now. Some of them asked what happened between me and Bobby Jinette, and some said that it was 'bogus' that I got a week's detention for what went down. And a few just said hello, and said that they had an awesome time at my party last weekend. And THEN....OMIGOD!!!! I got an email from Jamie Cross!!! It was JCross@cmail.com...and the subject said, 'Hey Billy' with a cute little smiley face at the end. I didn't know what to do with myself at first! I was kinda scared to open it. I don't know why...but I just wasn't expecting this at ALL! Like...ever!
He's like, "I hope this is the right email. I got this from somebody else, so it might just get lost somewhere in cyberspace. But, whatever. I just heard today that you were on punishment for the party and for jumping on some kid in gym class. That's hard core, man! Hahaha! Anyway, just wanted to tell you to hold your head up, and hang in there. K? I'll see you at school, dude."
He THOUGHT about me! Like...outside of school! Jamie Cross thought about me without me, like, doing anything to make him do so. That's so sweet that I nearly fell out of my chair when I saw that. I wonder if I can get him to send me a dozen naked pictures now. Hehehe!
I got two or three emails from Jimmy LaPlane, raving about this new boyfriend of his. This 'Alex' kid must be pretty damn special to have Jimmy bouncing off of the walls like this. I hope he has better luck this time around. I mean..he was just beginning to lift his head up after what happened between him and Lee. That was a harsh blow that took him a while to get over. I guess it would be hard for anybody to get over something like that. Especially when it comes to Lee.
Speaking of which, Lee wrote me three days in a row. His first email was a simple apology with a pouty face. He said that he was so SO sorry that he got me in trouble for having the party at my house last weekend. I guess Joanna hadn't told him about the fight between me and Bobby Jinette yet. He must have thought that I had just gotten caught because of the party alone. He wrote the second day to apologize again, and said that he realizes that I might not even get this message, but he took the time to beg for my 'forgiveness'. And the third time, he was like, "Dude, I feel really REALLY awful about this! Listen, when you get off of punishment, I totally owe you a pizza or something, ok? Lets hang out! Please, let me make this right."
I mean...wow. It was almost heartbreaking to see Lee post those sad little 'pouty faces' in his emails. I can't even imagine such a cutie being so upset over MY punishment. It's not his fault, you know? I mean, it's not like I HAD to have a party. He didn't force me to do it at gunpoint. Hell, my punishment doesn't even have shit to DO with the party. I was really quiet with my tapping on the keyboard, just in case my mom rushed in to stop me from getting a quick message out. I basically just sent a few messages to say that things are ok, it's not his fault, and that we could still hang out next weekend if he wanted to. I hit send...and I have to admit, something weird crossed my mind.
I wonder if Lee would let me cuddle up with him on the couch the way Jimmy did.
Stupid. Why am I even THINKING about something like that? Like that kind of thinking didn't get me in ENOUGH trouble already.
Yeah...believe me...I noticed. No emails from Brandon. It was the first thing I searched for on my email list. Something to say that he was overreacting and that we needed to talk. But, as usual, real life isn't that easy. And I felt the 'absence' of any word from him like a bullet in the lungs. Who knows? Maybe he's just angry. Maybe he's still mad at me. It can't last forever, though, right? Not forever.
Hopefully not forever.
I did get a note from Sam though. He asked me to meet him on the Hill tomorrow to 'talk'. I told him before that I had to come home right after school, and couldn't come out. But he was talking about actually 'ditching' class to go out there instead. Was he fucking 'MENTAL', or what? Like I'm gonna risk getting myself in even MORE trouble just because he wants to goof off. I'm stupid, but I'm not THAT stupid!
Anyway, he said that it was important. And he wanted me to come out there by myself, 'just' in case. He wants it to be just the two of us, like the old days. I'm not sure what this is about, or if I'm even going, for that matter....but there was something 'urgent' about the way he said it. If nothing else, it made me curious.
Anyway, my mom came in to tell me that my time was up, and now it's right back to punishment. It's ok though. At least I got a little 'taste' of freedom, you know? It was practically a 'conjugal visit' as far as I was concerned.
I've got to go. Homework to do before class tomorrow. My mom wants to see it before I go to bed to make sure that I did it. Sighhhh...just a couple more days of this, and maybe a short period of probation, and I'll be DONE with this! Ugh, I swear, it's killing me!
Anyway I'll write more later. Seeya soon.