- This has been....kind of a fucked up day!
I don't know whether I'm just...being paranoid...or what. But it's bugging me, and I don't imagine that life could get much worse.
Where do I even....BEGIN...?
Well, I guess I could start off by saying that I have now been reduced to some kind of weirdo, bashfully 'spying' on Brandon in the hallways like a frightened butterfly. It's like...I'm terrified to talk to him now! I mean...it's just too much, you know? It hurts to have him reject me. And I don't know how bad it's going to be until I'm already tearing up and holding my breath to keep from crying in front of everybody watching. I wish that I could say that I didn't understand why he hated me so much....but I do.
He hates me because I'm lower than scum. That's why. He hates me because I betrayed everything that we were building together. Just destroyed it for something completely useless. The more I wish that I could find a way to make him take me back...the more I'm forced to ask myself the question...'why should he?' And the truth is, I don't know if I have an answer for that just yet. I don't know if I will any time soon either. And that makes me feel even lower than I did before.
I must have followed him for, like, ten minutes today, ducking behind lockers and staircases and open doors, hoping that he wouldn't see me. I couldn't stand to see him roll his eyes at me like that again. I would seriously throw myself off of the school roof if I had to hear one more heartbreaking word from him today. So I just...watched him, you know? It's like the only piece of him that I'm allowed to have any more. And despite it all...he's still sooooo beautiful to me. So 'pretty'. The 'prettiest' boy in school. He always was.
I look at his lips, and think, "I used to kiss those lips." I look at his hair, and think, "I used to run my fingers through that hair." And every time I do...it hurts a little bit worse. Not just for a second or two, either. It's not like a pinch on the arm, where you can rub the pain away almost as soon as you feel it. This was a long and merciless ache that just stretched out the pain until you were almost ready to collapse from it. And just before your knees buckle and you fall to the floor to curl up in the fetal position...the pain stops. Just long enough to entice you to look back at him, and start the whole process all over again. There's no other torture in the world that could match the misery of a broken heart. I can honestly say that from experience.
I saw Brandon walk into his classroom, and I had to lean back against the wall and just stare at the floor for a few moments. Just to get that awful agony to stop churning in the bottom of my stomach for a second. And that's when Simon walked by. Just as I was lost in the feeling of missing the way Brandon used to smile whenever I put my hands on his slim hips...because he knew that I was gonna be pulling him in for another kiss. That smile was like magic to me. Real magic.
Simon's like, "Dude, I tried calling you, emailing you, and everything! Where have you been?"
I'm like, "Oh...yeah. I've kinda been on punishment. No way out until Thursday. Of course, by then, I'll be completely dead to the world and I won't have anything to do this weekend."
He said, "Well...I've been worried about you. You've gotten to be so sad lately. Are you you ok?"
I should have figured that he'd know. Sometimes, I swear Simon notices, like, everything. I dunno...I was feeling hurt and alone...and he was asking...and Simon's been so cool about everything I told him so far, right? I mean, it's not like I haven't thought about this before. Right? So...I pulled the strap on his backpack and told him to follow me. I was shaking the whole way, but I took him outside one of the side doors that led to the dumpsters out back. I checked the entire area twice to make SURE that we were alone...and then I just...kinda...told him.
I said, "Brandon and I broke up last Sunday." Ugh! 'Broke up'...that sounds so ugly when I have to say it out loud.
Simon looked surprised at first, and covered his mouth. "Right after the party?" He asked, and I nodded, and he's like, "Omigod...dude, I'm so sorry. I'm SO sorry!"
You know...having somebody say that they're sorry that your whole damn life sucks ass doesn't do a damn thing to 'fix' it. But...still...it was kinda cool to hear it. You know? Especially from someone who was genuinely concerned about me. It felt...kinda good, in fact. Just getting somebody to notice me. To 'hear' me. It was a relief, if only a tiny one.
I'm like, "He won't talk to me any more. I tried to straighten everything out, but...he's so hurt that he just pushes me away. And I just can't STAND it any more, Simon. I just can't STAND it!" And I couldn't help but to tear up a bit, and I wiped my eyes as I sniffled a bit to hold the wetworks back.
Simon was kinda awkward about it, but he put his hand on my shoulder, and sorta 'patted' me a few times. He's like, "Umm...that sucks. Do you want me to, like...do anything?"
It was so 'weird' for him that I have to admit, it made me smile a bit, even when I was sniffling. Hehehe, seriously, you should have seen how bad he was at being 'comforting'. He looked TEN times more uncomfortable than I did! So I just asked him, "Can you get me a new boyfriend?"
And he's like, "Uh...I don't know. I can...like...try or something if you want me to..."
And I'm like, "Dude...it was a joke." And even after I said it, it took him a minute to really get it. I told him, "But thanks though. I appreciate you willing to make the effort."
He was silent for a minute, and I just tried to get myself together so he wouldn't feel so LOST as to what to do in this situation. Except for me, and the party at my house last weekend, Simon has never really been all that 'social' before. But I guess he's learning. We all have to learn some time.
Then, he asks me, "So what happened? I mean...why is Brandon so mad at you?"
I'm like..."Oh....um...why?" Did I really want to answer that question?
Just then, the side door opened, and I guess the assistant principal had come outside for a smoke break. He already had the pack of smokes in his hand and was reaching in his pocket for his lighter when he saw us, and tucked his hand behind his back. He's all, "What are you two doing out here?" We both kinda froze up, especially Simon, who evidently was NOT used to being on the verge of any kind of trouble. The Assistant Principal was like, "Classes started three minutes ago. Get back inside before I give you both detention."
Simon was like, "YES, SIR! Sorry, sir!" And he totally 'bolted' on me. Hehehe! Weirdness. Cute...but weird. Just as well though. I don't think I wanted to explain the whole Bobby Jinette deal to him just yet. I can't imagine that would make me sound like a very lovable guy. I didn't think about this before...but what if Simon tells me that I was a total JERK and got what I deserved for being so dirty? I mean, seriously...what if he tells me it's hopeless, and that Brandon should move on without me. Am I ready to hear that? Am I ready to accept the idea that the best thing in my life might really be...over?
I should just stop thinking about that altogether. It's already starting to hurt again.
I did talk to Sam and Joanna briefly in the halls today though, and made up some story about having to finish up a report for 7th period so I wouldn't be able to meet up for lunch. Naturally, Sam knows me too damn well to buy that. Not even for a minute. And he seriously started to say something about it. About us just going somewhere to talk, and to stop avoiding him when something is wrong, and he was still set on leaving school to go to the Hill so we could just 'hang out' for a bit and talk about some things. I don't know why he's forcing this so hard, but when he started to get frustrated about it all, Joanna kinda nudged him in the side with her elbow. And she's like, "It's ok, Billy. It can wait. Really." Sam looked at her like she was crazy, but I guess she gave him the secret signal to 'shut up' Then she's all like, "You guys can talk tomorrow. Or maybe another day. Whenever you're up to it, ok?" What the hell was THAT supposed to mean? Is she setting up a 'play date' for us now or something?
Sam kinda blew the whole thing off after that, but it left me more confused than I was before. He was like, "Just...'talk' to me some time soon, alright? Don't be a spaz." And the let me go. But not before Sam told me, "And PLEASE let Lee buy you a freakin' pizza or something this weekend!!! Ok??? He's driving us both NUTS asking if you're MAD at him or something! I swear, he's gonna bust a nut the second you tell him that everything is fine between you two."
Sighhh...what a vision that would be.
Anyway, I made it through school. And then it was back to detention for more extreme boredom and silence. Luckily for me, Trace took the seat in front of me this time, and he secretly passed me his Sony PSP behind his back to play while I waited to get out of there. I still haven't figured out why he was always being so nice to me, but considering that he was constantly in trouble, didn't seem to have many friends outside of school, and pretty much had a life sentence in detention...I guess he just enjoyed a few smiles here and there wherever he could get them.
I still haven't talked to Bobby though. He still looks pissed. And hurt. And just...so not ready for a lame apology from me for being such a bastard. But...sometimes, when he thinks I'm not looking, I notice that he glances over at me from time to time. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing yet. Only time will tell. And he still rushes out after detention without so much as making eye contact with me. So I guess it'll have to wait one more day. But I'll tell him tomorrow. I swear. I want to make amends...if I can.
I've gotta go. My mom wants me to scrub the oven out tonight! ARRRGGHHHH!!!! I can't WAIT until fucking THURSDAY!!! I swear, I'll never throw another fucking punch as long as I fucking LIVE! Jesus!
Gotta go! See ya later.
- Billy (Still missing my one and ONLY sweetheart...)