- FREEDOM!!! Unbelievable, undeniable, downright BEAUTIFUL...FREEDOM!!!!
Today was officially the LAST day of my punishment, and I swear...just waking up to see the sunshine and hear the birds singing sweetly outside of my window was like a gift from God today! I could watch TV again, play video games, talk to my friends online, hang out after school....the oppressive veil of teenage misery has been lifted, and I was free to be 'me' again!
It was such a huge weight off of my shoulders that I can barely find the words to describe it. It's like being released from prison. I kid you not. Ugh!
I had an 'interesting' talk with my dad tonight...but I'll get to that in a minute. I might as well keep things sunny and bright for as long as I can, you know?
So....I got to thinking about what Bobby Jinette told me yesterday. You know, about Brandon still having feelings for me and his interference not really having that much of an impact on that and all. So I kinda....ummm...'approached' Brandon today at the soda machine during his lunch period
Yeah, I KNOW! I'm an idiot! And I can't just...FORCE this to work! But, I swear...ever since we've been broken up, Brandon's been wearing the cutest and most adorable outfits that he has in his whole wardrobe! Then again, maybe he just looks pretty in everything. Whatever. I can't believe that it's been almost two whole weeks since we've been apart. This Sunday is gonna make two weeks...TWO! Why does this still hurt so much? Fourteen days is more than enough time to get over a heartbreak, isn't it? It was for AJ. And Jimmy got over Lee in only three weeks, right? And Lee is...you know...HOT!
Sorry, I'm SO losing my focus here....
So I'm walking up to Brandon, still feeling like shit and really REALLY hoping that he won't take this opportunity to throw my awful deeds back in my face and humiliate me all over again. And when he sees me, he kinda pretends like he doesn't. He just keeps putting change in the soda machine, and hits the button so he can get his drink and go. But I just KNOW that I gotta talk to him, and I'm like, "....Hey, Brandon." It hurts to even say his name, and I'm just trying my best to not make a fool out of myself by being next to him.
So he's like, "What part of 'Don't talk to me' do you not understand, Billy?" Which TOTALLY goes against EVERYTHING that Bobby Jinette just told me the day before. But I choose a different strategy this time.
I say, "I know. You don't wanna talk to me anymore. And I understand that, I just...I wanted to say hi."
He was quiet for a second, but I don't think it worked. Because he said, "You don't get to say 'hi' to me anymore. I don't want you to say SHIT to me anymore! You get it?"
And I felt so low that I just said, "Yeah, I got it. I'm sorry."
Well, at this point, he just stands back for a second and I know that he's like giving me a serious dirty look, but I don't try to fight him on it I think I was honestly too hurt to really challenge his defenses today. And yet, there was something that was really....just....'soothing' about hearing his voice, you know? Even when he's mad at me, his voice just comforts me. And it makes me feel good inside to know that he'd even talk to me at all. Even when it's to tell me to fuck off.
So he's like, "I can't believe you. I wish I didn't have to share the same space with you at all."
And that just stung so much that I turned around and told him, "I can go away if you really want me to. And you don't ever have to talk to me at ALL if you don't want to! But you wanna know something? What I felt for you was real, and it's not just gonna 'go away' because you bark at it every chance you get. I still care about you. And, yes...I fucked up. I fucked up, BIG time! But it hasn't changed how I feel about you. About us. And if you wanna just throw that away, then go ahead. But I'm holding on to MY part of the bargain. And I'm not letting go."
I don't know where it came from, or if it did any good, but Brandon got upset and he left. No parting words to tell me that I was an asshole or anything. He just left. I keep trying to convince myself that he CAN'T just hate me forever. But if he's still this pissed off after ten days of being apart...then maybe he really doesn't want to get back together.
Maybe....it's better if we just stay apart for a while.
You know what? I thought that I could write more details about this today..but now that I'm thinking about it...I think I'd rather do without it. I don't want to remember this day anyway. Might make for an informative addition to a suicide note, but it's not good for much else.
I wanted to see Sam today, and walked over to wait by his locker, but when I got there, Joanna was already there waiting for him. Waiting in my 'spot' as usual. She had already seen me, so it's not like I could just turn around and avoid her like she wasn't there. So instead, I kinda went over and said hello while leaning back against his locker. There was this weird...silence between us, you know? It only lasted a second or two, but it seemed like it was caused by a much larger problem. I don't know why the vibe of it was making me feel so 'timid' in front of her all of the sudden, but it seriously made my breath catch in my throat when she started talking again.
She says to me, "You know...I've got some stuff to do at lunch today, so if you and Sam wanted to be alone, or whatever...that's cool. I won't be around." Was she reading my mind again? Does she know how much I wish she could go back to just being a pretty face on the sidelines of my life before our whole...'relationship' thing happened.
God...when I think back to that first time we went to the movies together, and how nervous I was, trying to dodge her in the hallways, and avoiding her phone calls...it seems like it was so long ago. What made me think I could date a girl in the first place? I mean...did I actually expect that to 'fix' me somehow? Who knows? I guess the big white picket fence dream has been buried so deep in my mind that I'd do just about anything to be seen as normal. It's all I want. It's all anybody wants, really
I told her, "No, it's ok. You can stop by if you want to. I don't mind." Trust me, I didn't mean it, but it seemed like the right thing to say. Ugh! Since when did I start feeling like Sam's Ex-wife???
She paused for a second, then she's like, "You never called me, you know?" I was confused for a moment, but then she said, "I told you that you could talk to me whenever. I mean, I know things are weird...with me and Sam being...close and all. But...if there's something on your mind, you know...something that you might not be able to tell him personally...you can call me. It'll be just between us, if you want."
Ok, now she's getting even creepier than before. And before I could even ask her what the hell she was talking about, I saw Sam coming towards his locker, and Joanna and I sorta straightened up to see who he'd come to first. Kinda like sitting at different ends of the room and calling to the same lonely dog, you know? Anyway, I lost, and Sam gave me a smile as he walked over to put his arm around his girlfriend and gave her a kiss on the cheek.
He's like, "So how's freedom treating ya?"
And I was like, "I'm not 'free' just yet. I've still got this one last day of detention, and then my dad is whisking me off to go be bored at his house for a few hours while trying to gobble down whatever dinner he decides to burn and pass off as nourishment. But I'm sure I'll breathe a bit easier tomorrow."
And Sam reminded me, "Well...just remember to come kick it with me tomorrow, ok? After school, no ditching. Promise." I don't like the way he lowered his eyes when he said that. He was still smiling, and it was just for a second, but there was something subtle and weird about it that rubbed me the wrong way. So help me, if this is about him and Joanna taking some next big step in their relationship...I'm gonna scream.
Anyway, all that aside, my dad was right there to pick me up after school today. And much to my pleasant surprise, not ONLY was that 'other' lady anywhere to be seen, but he ordered take-out from the Thai place down the street. So...good food, and a lack of her disgusting presence in the house, made for a much better time than I was expecting. Even though I would occasionally see an article of clothing or some feminine decoration on the wall somewhere that I knew wasn't my dad's idea. But it was easy to ignore it for the short time that I was there.
We were talking over dinner, and everything stayed pretty much on the surface. I was thankful that he didn't try to comment on my so-called 'life' again. Like I said, I'm 14, and I'm just now figuring things out. I don't always know what I'm doing, but that's no reason for Mr. Life Experience to look down on me for not having all the answers. I'm not stupid. I'm experiencing and learning things so I WON'T be stupid later He'd be a hypocrite if he tried to say that he didn't go through the same things when he was younger. Everyone does.
So...at one point, he looks down at his plate of food, and a little smile crosses his lips. I'm like, "What?" And he starts to chuckle to himself.
He's like, "You know, Billy...you gave me a pretty hard time the last few chances that we got to talk. You definitely gave me both barrels."
I thought for SURE I was gonna be in trouble when he said that, which scared the HELL out of me! Because if I had to go back on punishment again for another week...I don't think I'd be able to survive it. So I instantly said, "I'm sorry..."
And he's like, "No. No, don't be. You've got my temper, and a little bit of your mother's too. Hehehe, and I'd expect you to do the same to anybody else who calls that house to give your mother any grief." But he added, "Just remember...I'm still you're father. I love you, Billy. Everything I do, I do because I love you and I want what's best for you. Ok? Even when I'm being an ass about it."
You know how you get that weird little jitter in your chest when you feel like you've made a whole new connection with someone that you've known you're whole life? Where you just take total notice of that particular moment in time, and don't know how to handle it. That's what it felt like. I blushed a bit, and smiled as I took another bite of food. But after a few seconds, I asked him, "You know...if you really wanted to...you could come home. I mean, things are weird, but...I'm SURE Mom would let you move all of your stuff back in!" I started to talk to him about it, but he kind of rolled his eyes. I just...I wanted him to HEAR me. I wanted to get this out before he had the chance to tell me no. "You could maybe stay in the living room for a while until you guys are talking again! And we can rent movies and have dinner and laugh just like we used to! Mom can make her lasagna! You LOVE Mom's lasagna! And on the weekends you can chill out in front of the TV, and we can watch action movies together on the couch, and then run away when Mom wants to watch one of her 'girly' channels! It'll be GREAT!" He didn't seem to be buying it, and I felt a bit of frustration creep up into my voice. "Why are you shaking your head? Dad...you're not even LISTENING to me! Just...just stop brushing me off like some kind baby and THINK about it!"
"Hey." He had to stop me, and we were both silent for a moment. I heard him sigh, and I rolled my eyes as I tried to look back down at my plate of food again. I didn't get it. Here I am, practically breaking my NECK to get back together with Brandon, and my dad won't even consider a tiny little visit to see if things could work out with my mom again. Then he tells me something that seriously broke my heart. He said, "Billy...you know, I still love your mother. And that's never going to change. And I'm ALWAYS going to be here for you. You are, by far, the best thing I've ever done with my life, kiddo."
And, sadly, I'm like, "But...?"
And he says, "But...sometimes, people make mistakes. Communication isn't the same. Promises get broken. It's not anybody's fault, and it's not a matter of not loving the other person anymore. It's just...you'll learn that sometimes relationships...don't work out the way you planned."
I could have hid the tears, but what would have been the point, you know? I just let them slide down my cheeks a bit, without making a big 'production' out of the whole thing. I sniffled a bit, thinking even more about me and my recently EX-boyfriend...and I asked him, "But...but sometimes..those people eventually get back together..........right?"
He looked down at the table, and then looked back at me. He told me the truth. "Sure. Sometimes. And then...sometimes...they just don't, son. They just don't."
I wish the rest of my night had some kind of significance worth writing about...but to be honest, this last part just put me in a really strange mood. I think...I think I'm gonna end this here. I'm sorry, I just wanna stop writing now.
I'll write more later.