- I'm....I'm still shaking....
I feel...kinda squishy and sick inside right now, and it's hard to even keep my hand still long enough to write this entry. But...I did it. I can't believe that I actually did it.
And the bad thing is...I don't know whether I've made things better and more honest...or just royally screwed my life up forever.
There's no really easy way to say it. But as long as I'm writing it down, I might as well tell it all, and mark this Friday as somewhat of a milestone for me...whether it's a good one or a bad one, I don't know yet. But everything changes for me starting now.
You see, I kinda promised Sam that I'd hang out on my first real day of freedom from my punishment, and since he finally stopped being so damn strange and crazy...I kinda figured that I'd go and have lunch with him today. No harm there. I expected Joanna to be there, and it still kinda makes my stomach tighten up to see them share a kiss in front of me. But when she didn't show up, and it was just the two of us, it got me feeling comfortable with him again. In fact, in the first five minutes (Once I stopped looking over my shoulder to see if 'Joey' was gonna just pop up unannounced like a zit on 'class picture day'), it almost felt like old times again. It wasn't until half the lunch period was over that I saw Sam fiddling with the little metal latch on the top of his soda can that I noticed that he obviously had other stuff on his mind.
Things quieted down a bit, and I didn't know how to get him to smile for me again. But once I reached the point where I couldn't stand it anymore, I asked him, "Alright, what did I do now?"
And he's like, "What?"
And I'm like, "You're being quiet and weird again?"
And he's all, "No I'm not. I'm just..." And he paused for a second, and he asked, "Are you still coming out to the Hill today after school?"
I told him, "I promised I would, didn't I?" Which didn't seem to answer his question to his satisfaction, for some odd reason.
Some more time passed, and he was like, "Can I ask you something?"
So I tell him, "Yeah. Go ahead."
He fidgets a little bit more, and he says, "When you and Joanna were dating...I mean...like, in the beginning...you liked her a lot, right?" I don't know why this certain topic of conversation excited me so much, but I got this weird idea that maybe he wasn't as 'in love' with his sweetie as he was before. Maybe they're gonna break up! Maybe I'll get my Sammy back, and she can take a hike! I mean...I hate to say that about Joanna, because she's not really that bad a person when you think about it. If anything, she actually turned out to be pretty cool. But having Sam back in my life...especially now that Brandon's gone...was SUCH an appealing possibility to me.
So I said, "Yeah. Sure." But then I was like, "Well...at first, I did." I just wanted to maybe help that tiny little bit of doubt along if I could.
Sam lowered his eyes to the table top and started 'popping' his soda can a bit by crushing it in his hands and folding it back and forth. He asked me, "So...how far did you go with her?"
Ok...so I wasn't expecting that. I was like, "What? I dunno...not far, I guess."
And he was like, "Well, why not? I mean...Billy...she really liked you. I mean she really liked you a LOT. You never tried to, like, 'do' anything while you were together?"
Suddenly, I didn't like where this conversation was going. And I said, "I just...I didn't wanna push anything. But, you know...it just didn't happen. We weren't even dating that long, you know?" Was that good enough? From the look on his face as he squirmed a little bit, I was thinking that it wasn't. So I made sure to mention, "But we made out a lot. We were always kissing. I liked that part."
And he smiled a little bit, and said, "Ah, ok....that's cool." But when he cleared his throat and looked back down at the table, now nervously tearing little shreds off of his napkin, he said, "So you never....like...tried anything else though?"
What the heck was he talking to me about this for? Even if I was straight as an arrow, I wouldn't be telling my best friend how I wanted to 'bang' his girlfriend. So I'm like, "No."
And he's all, "Never?"
And I say, "No. Why?"
But he shrugs his shoulders and he's like, "Why not? She's pretty, right?"
Finally, I'm like, "Dude, what is this all about? You're making me uncomfortable here."
He wouldn't really look at me, and after another pause, he's like, "So...are you, like...looking for somebody else? Because I could easily set you up with another girl. Easily. Joanna says that girls really dig you. You're pretty high on their list of boys they'd love to date." And he looks to me for a second and says, "It wouldn't be a problem if you wanted me to work something out...or...or something."
I wrinkled up my forehead and said, "No thanks. I'm not really looking for anybody else."
I noticed that Jamie Cross came into the cafeteria with some of his friends, and I glanced over to just...absorb a little of that beauty, you know? Hehehe, I can't really help it when it comes to him. But Sam asks me...again, "Are you sure? Because I know one or two that would love to meet you. Um...girls, I mean." What the hell is THAT supposed to mean?
I'm like, "Dude...I don't want another girlfriend right now. Alright? I had bad enough luck with the last one." I was kinda hoping that a little bit of guilt would set in, and he'd stop asking questions, but when he saw me looking over his shoulder, he looked back to follow my line of sight..and saw Jamie Cross sitting down with his tray for lunch. Delicious blond god that he is.
Sam looked back at me and was like, "I just thought, you know...maybe you could start all over again. Find a cutie and be happy again. You've been kinda down lately."
"No thanks. I'm fine." I said, and then Sam caught me peeking over at Jamie again, and he turned to look again. THIS time it made me a bit nervous, so I decided not to look at Jamie at all for the rest of the period. This was getting creepy...and Sam wasn't being his usual self.
He's like, "I heard Stacy has a thing for you..."
And I quickly said, "No THANKS! Helloooo? Hehehe!" I tried to make him laugh, but he only gave me a little bit of a smirk instead. Everything got all awkward from then on out, and I was glad to get out of that cafeteria once the bell rang.
The only reason I met up with him again after school was because I promised him I'd go. But it really was uncomfortable for me to follow him. I think I was kinda aware of what this little 'talk' was going to be about...maybe I was aware of it from the very beginning and just didn't want to admit it to myself. I didn't really get nervous about it until the actual moment was at hand and he was practically racing me to the Hill to be alone.
So....there we were, sitting side by side at the top of the Hill on the grass, just like we used to back when we were...you know...inseparable, or whatever. It's funny how a place and an activity can seem so familiar, but the 'feeling' can be so amazingly different. Sam was beginning to pick at his pants leg a bit, and I felt myself get short of breath. I knew what he was getting ready to ask me. He had already made up his mind to do it today...he was just looking for the right sugarcoated words to use.
I trembled, and I fidgeted, and I squirmed, and I was almost lightheaded from the threat of that horrible question. That ONE stupid question that could undo YEARS of friendship with a simple 'yes' or 'no' answer. I just didn't want to be a part of this right now. Not now. Not yet.
Then, just as I was about to be sick...he says, "So, me and Joanna were talking about a lot of things. Like...how we just want things to be ok with all three of us again. You know...hanging out again and...stuff." I think I was so scared that I had actually gone 'blind' for a short period of time. I just stared off at nothing until I couldn't even see anything any more. And Sam was like, "She's just...she's got a lotta crazy ideas, you know? She's...she's weird, right?"
I think I kinda remember nodding my head a bit. And I'm like, "Yeah..."
And he's trying to ask me, and I'm trying to figure out a silent way to KEEP him from asking me...it was just kinda scary. And with a really artificial grin, he goes, "You know...one time, we were talking...and she's all like 'Billy's been acting weird lately, don't you think?' And you were, so I kinda agreed. But I didn't think anything about it. But she's like...she just..." And Sam gives me this really fake laugh, and lowers his voice a bit. Then he says, "She's like, 'Did you ever ask Billy if maybe he doesn't like girls?' Which was, like, TOTALLY out of left field, right? Because...that's just crazy." He said...and he glances at me for a second, but I couldn't bear to look him in the eye. So he just keeps going. "So I'm like, 'you're crazy', and she's all, 'No, seriously Did you ever stop to think that Billy might be...'" He stopped again, and looked at me from the side, getting even more nervous. And he says, "...'Did you ever stop to think that Billy might be...gay?'...which...you know...is crazy." I didn't answer him. I couldn't. So he goes, "It's totally crazy. Right?"
I don't know why I felt like I wanted to cry, but it was hard to keep my eyes from watering up. I felt this huge pressure in my head, and this...this CONFESSION felt like it was swelling up to the point of bursting in the middle of my chest...burning my throat...tying knots in my stomach. And I REALLY wanted to lie! I wanted to tell him she was just fucked in the head and that everything was fine. But...another part of me...was just sooooo thankful for this ONE golden opportunity to just...be done with it all. To get it all off of my chest and not have to work so hard to hide it any more. So...it took a LOT, and I mean a *LOT*, of pain to finally speak...but when I did, I said..."Actually...I think...that maybe...I kinda...am."
I think it shocked him a lot more than I was expecting it to. We've been so close for so long that I kinda expected him to know. But he didn't. He really had no idea, did he? He was like, "Wait...what?"
And I had to use all of my remaining energy just to lift my head and look him in the eye. And that's when the tears started, running beyond my control. I'm like, "It's true, Sam. I'm...I'm gay." He just sorta 'stared' at me with this weird look on his face, and I'm like, "I'm sorry."
And he says, "You're gay??? Like GAY gay???" Whatever the hell that's supposed to mean.
By this time, I'm shaking so bad that I can barely keep my teeth from chattering. This is MUCH harder than it was with Simon! I said, "Yeah."
And Sam's first words were, "EWWWW!!! Billy...WHY???"
I think I was too surprised to even be hurt by that comment at first. I was like, "What? What do you mean WHY?"
And he's all, "Why are you GAY? Girls totally LOVE you, dude!"
And I'm like, "I don't KNOW! It's not like I purposely sent out for a big queer membership card or something. It just sorta happened."
So Sam covers his face with his hand, and it was just about this time, that his first comment is really starting to hurt, you know? And he's like, "Aww, Billy...dude..." He looks back at me, almost like...like he was mad at me or something. "How long have you known that you like boys???"
And I was like, "I don't know...a few years, I guess..."
Sam said, "A few YEARS??? Ugh! Why didn't you TELL me?!?!?!"
And I'm like, "Gee, I don't know! Maybe because I was extremely hurt and worried that your first words would be 'EWWW!!! Billy! Why?'" When I said that, he seemed to calm down a bit, and he attempted to act...I dunno, 'normal'.
He's all like, "No...no you're right. I'm sorry. That was really fucked up of me. I shouldn't have done that, I just..." He seemed to still be struggling with the concept of his best friend being gay, and that only made me squirm even more. I was sure that I had ruined everything, and that it could never be repaired again. Then he's like, "So...why the hell were you so MAD at me, then???"
I'm like, "What?"
And he says, "About me and Joanna? You didn't even LIKE her!"
I told him, "I DID like her!"
But he says, "Not like *I* liked her, you're GAY!"
And I said, "Dude, that was SO not the point! She was my GIRLFRIEND!"
He yelled, "YOU DIDN'T *HAVE* A GIRLFRIEND, BECAUSE YOU'RE GAY!!!"
I'm like, "Can you lower your voice please?" And we both sat there and pouted for a minute or two. Neither one of us really knowing what this was going to mean for the both of us from now on.
I have to admit, it was beginning to hurt more and more by the second, and I felt like I had a huge part of my personal history snatched out from under my feet without warning. Then...Sam spoke again, putting his face in his hands, "Jesus, Billy...you could have told me."
I said, "How in the hell was I gonna do that? You would have freaked out."
He said, "I WOULDN'T have freaked out!"
And I'm like, "You're freaking out right NOW!"
Which made him try to calm down again. But I was still worried about the possibly irreversible damage that I might have done to our relationship as best friends. I felt so stupid. Why the fuck did I expect him to understand??? How is he supposed to understand something so 'gross'? So 'disgusting'? I should have kept it to myself. I was crying at this point and ready to leave, so I stood up and Sam tried to get me to stay. He's like, "Billy, wait..I don't mean to be a jerk, I just...I never, in a million years, would have thought that you were gay. There's nothing 'gay' about you."
And I told him, "Just because I like boys doesn't mean that I have to talk with a lisp and carry a purse, you know?"
He came back with, "I'm not saying that you should. I'm just saying that I'm surprised, that's all. Billy...I just don't know what to say, ok?"
And I said, "You don't have to say anything. I get it. Things change." There was a moment of silence, and then I said, "I'm going home." And I started to leave but he chased after me.
He's like, "Billy...it's ok. Alright? You're my best friend. You're the only best friend I've ever had. This doesn't change anything...I just need to...'get used to this', that's all."
And I told him, "There's nothing to GET USED TO, Sam. I was gay yesterday too, you know? And the day before that, and last week, and last year, and the day we first met each other in the freakin' sandbox! I'm the exact same person you've been hanging out and laughing with. What's so different? I'm just...I'm just answering your question. And I wanted to be honest about it."
I think he winced a little bit, and the moment was still kinda awkward, but he gave me a hug anyway. A really weird one. And he said, "I'm sorry K? I'm an asshole."
And I'm like, "Dude, that was the most awkward hug anyone has ever given me." That actually made him smile a little bit.
He was like, "Well, I wasn't about to bump cocks with you or anything, but I thought I was being rather affectionate."
Hahaha! That boy knows how to be weird in JUST the right way sometimes, you know? I'm like, "I wouldn't have minded."
And he says, "Yeah, and now that I know that, my 'cock bumping' ain't gonna come for FREE any more. Now you gotta pay." And he gave me a noogie on the top of the head before letting me break away from him. Honestly...I think it was the first real laugh...the first honest laugh..that I've shared with my best friend in months. If I thought that I could stop crying long enough, I might have wanted to stay with him a bit longer in the park. But...I don't know...something about telling him the truth just released this overwhelming wave of emotion that nearly knocked me to my knees every time I thought about it.
Even after getting off of punishment yesterday...I had no idea what TRUE freedom was...until I saw my best friend's first smile after telling him who I really was. That first smile...it was like a 'forgiveness', you know? For being different, for hiding it, for lying to him about it. It made it all...ok. It made ME...ok. And I couldn't have asked for a better gift than a friend who was willing to understand.
Naturally, it's going to take a while for him to accept the whole gay thing fully. I'm sure of it. But at least he's willing to try. Which reminded me, I had to tell him, "You CAN'T tell anybody about this! Alright? NOBODY! I mean it! Promise me!"
And he's like, "Well, what am I gonna tell Joey? She's the one who told me to ask in the first place. I've gotta tell her something."
I said, "Tell her whatever you want, just DON'T tell her I'm gay!"
He's like, "Billy, you're killing me!"
And I had to put my foot down and say, "If you tell anybody about this, I'm seriously never talking to you again! I mean it, Sam!" But that seemed kinda harsh, so I added. "Please? Ok? Don't. I'm asking you as your best friend. I don't want anybody to know."
And he finally nodded and said, "Sighhh...fine. My lips are sealed. But you have to tell me something first." I asked him what it was, and he said, "Have you...like...'done' anything yet? Like...with another guy?" Ok...so maybe I shouldn't have agreed to answer that question before knowing what it was. I did NOT plan to go into detail about it, but I nodded slowly. Which caused him to frown up a bit again, but not in a really bad way. I just don't think he could imagine it. Then he's like, "Was it with Jimmy LaPlane?"
I burst out laughing from the look on his face. "Hahaha! NO! It wasn't Jimmy LaPlane! He's my friend."
Sam was like, "Thank God. You could do SO much better than Jimmy." I swear, those two will NEVER get along. "So...is this like a high school thing, or..."
And I gave him a roll of my eyes. I'm like, "No, Sam. I'm gay. I'm not 'confused' and I'm not just 'trying it out' for a few weekends. I've already asked myself that question."
And he said, "Ok, I get it. No more questions." But then he said, "Wait..was it Kyle? Aw, dude, TELL me it wasn't Kyle! I beat him up over you!"
I said, "Eww, no way! Not my type at all."
Then he's like, "Bobby? Bobby Jinette?"
A that point I just decided to keep my mouth shut, and keep him from asking anymore questions. Not that he didn't try to figure it out the whole walk home.
So..yeah...I did it. I came out to my best friend in the whole world. The boy I used to be head over heels in love with. The boy who snatched my girlfriend away from me (Which was really more of a blessing than a curse, now that I think about it). I hope this doesn't mean he's not gonna tell me any more blowjob stories. Because I really like those.
I've gotta go. I swear, he better not tell Joanna what I told him. I'll bury them BOTH in the back yard if this gets out.
Alright, that's more than enough writing for tonight. I'll add more tomorrow. It feels strange, you know? Knowing that he knows. This is gonna kill me over the next couple of days, I just know it.