- It was a MAJOR relief to see Sam today!!! You have no fucking IDEA how SCARED I was that everything was gonna be all over and done with! I was terrified! I even woke up this morning with a sickening tremble in my stomach that refused to go away until after lunch. You know...after all that time I spent angry at Sam, punishing him and cursing at him and avoiding him in the hallways...a part of me always knew that he was still 'around', you know? Like...deep down, I knew that there was a chance for things to get patched up eventually, even though I didn't really want them to be. But...actually having to face the horrifying idea of not ever being able to talk to my best friend in the world ever again...it defies description!
He's more than just some 'buddy' I like to pal around with, he's like this huge chunk of my own personal history. My entire childhood doesn't EXIST without him in it. And the threat of losing that was almost too much to bear.
What was FRUSTRATING about it though, was that he showed up at my door today like nothing was wrong! Like it was no big deal or something! I heard the doorbell and opened up to see him standing there like, "What's up? You up for shooting some hoops or something? I've gotta get out of the house."
I was literally so stunned to see him there that I couldn't speak at first. He raised an eyebrow as if to ask me what the hell was wrong with me, and I found myself caught somewhere between the joy of seeing him again and the anger that it wasn't a day sooner! I'm like, "What the HELL??? Where WERE you yesterday???"
He's all, "Where was I?"
I'm like, "YEAH!!! You scared me half to death!"
He says, "My mom dragged me to see my Great Aunt Trudy in the old folk's home in Joliet yesterday. She was like, 'since you're not going to the mall with your girlfriend today, you should come and say hello.' So I had to go." Then he looked at me weird, and says, "How does me visiting my aunt scare the hell out of you? Hehehe!"
I'm like, "I called you, like, a BILLION times yesterday!!!"
And he just tells me, "I know. I saw your number pop up. I just figured you were bored. So I came over today to see what was up. Geez, you're being awfully strange all of the sudden."
I was so outdone that I couldn't even find the words to express my frustration. "ME??? Acting STRANGE?!?!?! You just...you...ARRRRGHHHH!!!!!!!!"
He grinned, and was like, "Dude, chill out." I couldn't do anything but jump forward and wrap my arms tightly around his neck and hug the SHIT out of him! I was almost in TEARS at that point, and Sam asked, "Uhhh...is this, like...a 'gay' thing? Because this is a little weird."
I wanted to smack him soooo bad, but I just wiped my eyes and tried to enjoy the awesome sight of my best bud, standing at my front door. I said, "I thought..I thought you hated me."
He's like, "Hated you? Why?"
And I'm all, "Because...I told you I liked boys."
Which confused him a little bit He wrinkled up his forehead and said, "Dude, that was two DAYS ago."
I'm like, "I KNOW it was two days ago!"
And he's like, "But I already told you..."
And I'm like, "I KNOW what you told me!"
Which only confused him even more. "So what the hell are you babbling about, then?"
And, with a huff, I just yanked him into the house. I told him, "Just...forget it. Ok? Never mind."
He asked, "Did you think I changed my mind?"
And I said, "FORGET it, ok?"
And he giggled and said, "You thought I changed my mind, didn't you? Freak!"
So I said, "Fuck you..." And giggled myself.
He looked around and was like, "Ooh, an 'F'-bomb. Somebody's mom isn't home."
I told him that she was out shopping, and that led straight to the bedroom for video games, a few cold sodas from the fridge, and much more cursing than what would be normal. You know...a temporary teenage boy paradise.
GOD, it felt good. Just...being there with him, laughing with him, hell..I even missed his smell! I just...sighhh...I felt closer to him, you know? Because I didn't have that big brick wall between us any longer. I didn't feel like I had to hide my sexuality from him every minute of the day. Hiding my attractions from my best friend, especially since he was ONE of them, was like trying to hide a black eye by constantly keeping your back to the person you're talking to, you know what I mean? It's just...difficult. And the more you try to hide it, the more awkward you look doing it.
Anyway, we spent the day together and had some real fun. He made sure to give me another hug before he left, but it wasn't nearly as weird as the one he gave me in the park on Friday. He smiled at me, and I'm like, "What was that for?"
He said, "I'm not gonna change my mind, Billy. K? I mean it." Which made me feel soooo good.
And I told him, "Thanks, Sam. I just...I was worried that things were gonna be...you know...different."
And he's like, "Yeah, I know. Me too. But they're not. So fuck it." But then he's all, "But I'm gonna figure out who's cock you've been sucking on, eventually! So don't think I'm gonna just let that slide by me."
I laughed out loud and said, "You're a pervert, you know that?"
But he's like, "Me? Psh! I'm not the one with some guy's 'sex sausage' pushing past my gag reflex! Hahaha!" And I pushed him out the door with my foot on his ass. It's good to know that he's finding this funny. Jerk face! Hehehe!
Is it weird that I keep wanting to cry while I'm writing this? I'm not 'SAD' really. I'm just....I dunno, I'm just so relieved that my emotions are allowed to be so far out of balance at the moment. That's all. I'm being stupid again, aren't I? Ugh! Whatever.
Jimmy LaPlane and I emailed back and forth a little bit tonight. I asked him how his little 'date' went with Alex yesterday, and he basically let it all spill out in abundance! Hehehe, I had to laugh at how many exclamation points he was using in his emails. It was getting out of control. I was worried that he was going to break his 'Shift' key if he kept it up for much longer. I guess he really had a good time.
He said that he DID get that French kiss from him before he left. In fact, he said that they did it on the bench right outside of the mall while he was waiting for the bus. Which sounds REALLY cool, because it was so, like, in the 'open', you know? Jimmy said that he was kinda bashful about doing it at first, but Alex smiled at him and said that he didn't mind if anybody saw. He was out of the closet anyway, so what did he have to lose. And so was Jimmy, for the most part. At SCHOOL he was, anyway. So what's a kiss in front of a few faceless strangers, you know? So...they were sitting on the bench, and Jimmy said he giggled a bit before closing his eyes, and then....wow. The way he described it sounded soooooo sweet! Like he was literally just swept off of his feet. And he said that it was the ONE boy kiss in his book that rates higher than mine as his all time favorite. I sighed a bit, and just...smiled. Jimmy was so happy, and *I* was still floating from earlier...so everything just felt perfect and awesome and right. This was like..the 'perfect' Sunday.
I have to admit that after talking to Jimmy...I did kinda miss Brandon a bit more than usual. I mean, this Alex boy has got Jimmy turning himself inside out over a little tongue kissing...and I just...I remember what it was like to be that in love with somebody. Or have somebody that in love with me. Brandon gave me soooo much heart and soooo much love, he really trusted me....and I just...I didn't realize how amazing he really was until it was too late. I mean, I knew he was beautiful, and sweet, and I really DID love him...I just didn't really 'get it' until he was gone. I had evidently missed out on a lot of what I wasn't even looking for. I didn't pay any attention to all of the little details that made me fall in love with him until he was...until he was....
Ok...you know what? I'm depressing myself now. And this is NOT the day to be depressed! I'm doing FINE! Things are awesome for me right now. They're awesome for Sam, and for Jimmy, and even SIMON has a girlfriend now! Hell, even me and Bobby Jinette are getting along! And my parents haven't had a fight in almost a week. Life is good, and despite that ONE little thing...that ONE thing that seems to be keeping my heart from being completely happy...I can't say that life isn't awesome right now. So...yeah.
I'm gonna enjoy it. And I'll write down more awesome stuff tomorrow. So I'll see ya soon!
- Billy (Still smiling. No matter what.)