- ACCKKK!!! This was NOT a good day! It even started with a 'squish'! Arrgh! Damn Lee and his sexy...EVERYTHING...!!!
I'm a bit ashamed to say that I entertained a nice little fantasy about me and him last night while I was asleep. Thank GOD I didn't spend the night at his house! Otherwise I would have been walking around all day in soaked boxers, trying to find a believable way to explain to Lee why he had a giant sticky wet spot on his sheets! I can't WAIT until I'm old enough for these fucking wet dreams to stop! PLEASE tell me they stop at like...15 and a half or something! I don't think I could put up with this shit for much longer. Puberty is most certainly God's most hilarious joke on the rest of us.
I just remember imagining him in his school uniform, but just the shirt and jacket and a pair of white socks. He was, like...completely naked from the waist down. And for some reason, we were in the hallway of my school, and he was talking to me and smiling and being his usual adorable self...but the whole time, I was trying my hardest not to look down at his 'goodies'. It was soooooo exciting, having just a bit of his shirt tail covering up the cutest penis on Earth. My pulse was racing, and every time he laughed or made a gesture with his hands...that shirt and jacket would raise up JUST a little bit, and I'd be forced to look down again to see if I could catch a nice long glimpse of something 'tasty'. But it was always hidden just out of sight.
So, the bell rings, right? And there's a lot of other people coming into the hallway, so I'm thinking, I've GOTTA hide Lee! They're all gonna wonder why I'm talking to a half naked boy in the hall and sneaking peeks at his genitals. Which is...you know....kinda hard to explain when you don't have a girlfriend. ANYWAY....so I look around, and I pull him into the janitor's closet with me and turn on the light. Which is really weird, because I, technically, don't even know if we HAVE a janitor's closet in our high school. And if we do, I don't know where the hell it is. But in the dream, it was, like...right there. So I pull him in with me, and it's really a tight fit for the both of us. We're pressed really close together, and Lee is still just kinda being adorable. But now it's right in my face, and my hands are holding onto his bare ass for some reason. I swear, I can still, like, 'feel' his ass in my hands. It was so REAL! Smooth and tight and...sighhhh....
So while he's talking, I just look up a bit, and I have to almost stand on my tip toes to kiss him because Lee is so slender and tall and stuff, right? My lips connect, and before I know it, he's tongue kissing me really soft and slow. I mean, like, the most erotic kiss of my LIFE! Jesus! And his boner is really hard, and angled up a bit, so it sorta goes up under the bottom of my shirt...and I can feel it touch my flat stomach, just below my belly button. And he thrusts forward a bit to rub it against me a few times, and I'm all angry because there's not enough room in the closet for me to get on my knees and suck on it so hard that I ruin my framework and end up needing braces again! I keep trying, but my knees keep banging the sides of the closet, and my ass keeps hitting the wall behind me, so I can only get low enough to unbutton his uniform shirt and suck on his nipples. And he's holding my head all close to his chest while I'm sucking, and running his hands through my hair over and over again in that really sweet way that feels soooo good. You know? I'm SO mad that I can't get low enough to put my lips on his hot rod, but he's humping it against my stomach, and giving me that really cute 'Lee whine'...like when he's pretending to pout or something. I reach out and kinda stroke it a few times, making it leak a bit on my wrist as I jack him off in rhythm with his hips. And while I'm gripping his ass cheek, and hearing him whimper, sucking on his erect nipple, and fumbling around in that school closet with one of the most incredible teen boys on the planet...my fingers tightly wrapped around his hardness and having its warmth pulse lovingly in my hand...I WAKE UP! And it's too late for me to even roll over on my side to keep it from seeping through all of my sheets and straight through to the mattress.
Hmmm...now that I think about it...I'm almost kinda proud of the amount I came. Must have been because it was Lee. Geez. A 'teaspoons' worth my ass! I could have filled a freakin' BABY bottle with that stuff!
Anyway, I had to wait until my mom went out, and then I had to sneak it into the laundry, wash it, and put it back on my bed again without her knowing. My mom just changed those sheets like two days ago. And the last thing I wanted to do was explain why I was washing them again already.
I was just finishing up when the phone rang, and I picked it up without really thinking about it. It was Sam on the other end, and he seemed kinda sheepish at first, but finally asked me, "Are you, like, still pissed at me?"
Grrr! I WANTED to be! Believe me I did! But something about his voice on the other end of that phone call just sounded like...a shivering puppy left out in the rain or something! So...even though I totally should have read him the riot act for telling Joanna that I was gay...I gave him a break. I said, "No. I'm ok, I guess. But you still SUCK for ratting me out, dude!" I doubt it sounded angry to him. I just can't stay mad at that boy for longer than a few minutes without missing him. It's all a mask of stubbornness and foolish pride from there on.
He was like, "I KNOW! I totally know that I was a dumbass, k? I take full blame for that shit."
And I giggled a bit and said, "Well...you kinda have to."
He stopped for a second, and then he was like, "Well...I don't HAVE to! I mean, it was mostly Joey's fault, anyway."
I said, "Oh really? Well, I'll just have to tell her you said that, then..."
But he quickly snapped, "NO! NO! No need to do all of that!" Hehehe, that boy is soooo whipped. We talked for a bit, and he asked me, "So...how are you doing, Billy? Really? I mean with the Brandon situation and all."
The mention of my ex just seemed to pull my mood down to the floor. It was like trying to swim across the ocean with a cinder block tied to my nuts. I think he could tell how hurt I was, just from the pause in our conversation. But then I thought about how angry Brandon was with me, and how his smile seems to only come back to his face when I see him with that 'Stevie' kid at school. And I told him, "I'll survive." It was a lie, sure. But what else was I gonna tell him, huh? 'Please hurry over and take this razor out of my hand before I find a good 'use' for it? Besides...as painful as the feeling was...it was MY pain. And my pain alone. I didn't really want to share it with anybody else. I don't know why, but...I didn't think they'd understand it like I did. And if they couldn't understand it, then what's the point of burdening them with it, right?
He said, "Do you want me to come over? Or..or maybe you can come over here? We can talk about it if you just wanna 'vent' or something."
I'm like, "No. No thanks. There really isn't a whole lot to say. He loved me, I fucked up, and now it's over..and that...sucks, but...I'll be ok."
He's all, "You don't sound ok."
And I'm all, "I'm fine. It just...it hurts a little, you know? I just wanna talk to him, Sam. I feel so broken hearted about it all, and I KNOW that I was a fucking IDIOT, I just....I want him to...just..." I think I felt myself actually beginning to tear up when I realized that I was talking to Sam about...um...'gay' stuff. SERIOUS gay stuff! And even though he was taking it like a champ and listening to every word...it was a bit too odd for me to really handle at that particular moment. Someday. Maybe even someday SOON. But not today. It felt weird to me. Even with a full blown confession of the whole sordid affair practically ready to 'spill' out of my mouth nonstop for the next few hours. I just needed to not ramble about 'you know who' for a while. I'll never heal if I keep picking at the wound this way.
Ok, so now, I'm feeling blue again. Long story short, trying to get Sam to leave me alone when he knows something is wrong is like trying to pry an angry pit-bull from my arm. But I was honest as I could be, and simply told him that I really didn't want to talk about him today. He insisted that I say something and let it all out, but when I admitted that I was hurt and that it hurt even more to discuss it with somebody else...he seemed to back off. At least for now.
So yeah, I rejected his help for a second time. But I know a damn good friend when I have one. And I'm thankful that he's there for me when I need him. I don't know where, or even WHO, I'd be without him.
I've gotta go. I'm feeling....uhhh...I don't want to write any more tonight. I'm just going to lay down for a while. Try to...you know...
I'll write more some other time.