- Well....I guess that today is a pretty good example of things working out for the worst. You know, sometimes...when you mess up...you don't get to take it back. And you don't get to fix it. And that's an open invitation for the next person to just...'slide right in', you know?
To make a long story short, I got to share a few civil words with Brandon today. Well, 'civil' probably isn't the right word. It's more like he tolerated me long enough to let me know that he was moving on. :(
It started when I went out during lunch today. Mostly because I was trying to avoid Sam and Joanna. With Joanna playing little Miss 'Ok To Be Gay', and Sam giving me the 'Poor Billy' face every ten seconds...I just didn't feel like dealing with them today for any length of time, you know? So I went out the back door, and as I was walking around the school's front lawn, I saw Brandon and Stevie sitting out there talking. I tried not to look, and I tried not to think that anything was 'going on' between them. I figured...it's possible that they might JUST be friends and nothing more, right? But I saw Brandon blushing again, and kinda playing around in the grass with his fingers like he does when he's being...sighhhh....cute. And I knew something was up.
Then I saw Stevie kinda start 'plucking' at the grass too as they were talking...and then his hand got closer...and then...their hands kinda....touched. He, like, held his hand for a second, and smiled at him And that made Brandon giggle. He didn't pull his hand back until he saw me walking past them on the other side of the lawn. And he gave me a look that was kinda 'guilty', but kinda 'sour' at the same time. It just kinda hurt, you know? I wasn't really prepared to be somebody's intrusion today, I guess.
GOD....did it hurt!
Being just on the outside of Brandon's....um...'new life' like that...it was such an awkward experience for me. The whole time, I was trying to hold on to the idea that maybe this whole thing was just for show. You know? Some big misunderstanding that would somehow reveal itself to be false after a while and everything would be ok like some kind of racy TV sitcom. But I don't think that was the case this time. I think they seriously had some kind of true interest in one another. And that cut me deeper than any flirtatious smile between them ever could. It was like this.....almost serious expression of 'feeling' with them, and I hated it. It was....arrrghhh...intimate! I was practically running away from them by the time he saw me, and I just kept walking until I was out of sight. Funny thing though, when I did get something to eat, I had lost my appetite. Everything just tasted like...paper. My heart was aching to the point where I just wanted to curl up in a tight little ball and die.
If I didn't have a big test in my next class today, I wouldn't have come back to school for the following period. But I guess I kinda had to. And that's when I saw Brandon standing by the door alone as I came back into the building.
I sort of figured that it was time for me to duck my head and hide my eyes as I walked past him. But...he called my name. "Billy?" It took me by surprise. Mostly because it didn't sound as...'angry' as what I was used to. I turned around, but I couldn't really look him in the eye. He's like, "Do you have a minute?"
And I'm like, "Yeah..." I didn't know what to think or what to do with myself, but I just knew that talking to Brandon about ANYTHING would be a pleasurable alternative to this unbearable pain in my chest. So we stepped back outside for a minute.
He's like, "I want to talk to you about something."
And I'm like, "Ok..."
He struggled with the idea for a few seconds, but then he said, "What you saw today...um...Billy, despite what happened with you and me, I'm not trying to hurt you. Ok?" I didn't know exactly how to take that comment. I mean, what did it mean, you know? I just kinda stood there like an idiot and nodded my head So he goes, "It's not that I don't care, alright? I just...I want to move forward. And...." He stopped for a second, and I felt myself shaking as he said, "...What you saw today wasn't...I mean it's not anything official...but..." Please don't say it. PLEASE don't say it! This can't be happening. I just kept my eyes down and held my breath. So he says, "Billy...Stevie and I might...wanna try 'dating' for a little while. Just...you know, to see what happens." I didn't say anything. I mean, what did he want me to say? I just kinda rolled my eyes as if I had seen it coming from a mile away. But rolling my eyes caused a stray tear to fall when I REALLY didn't want it to. Brandon tells me, "I'm NOT just doing this to hurt you, Billy. I just...I've gotta live my life. And so do you."
I told him, "You know...when you saw me hugging Bobby last week, it didn't MEAN anything. I was just..."
But he's like, "No, Billy. This has nothing to do with you hugging Bobby."
I kept trying to defend myself. I kept trying to take away his only reason for doing this. "I haven't been with ANYBODY since we broke up, Brandon. I promise! I can't even imagine it! It's not like I just 'moved on' without you, or anything. I MISS you."
And he's all, "Like I said, I'm not doing this because of you, Billy. Or because of anything you've done since we split up. I swear. I'm doing this for me. I'm doing it because I wanna be a part of something special again."
I felt another baby tear crawl down my cheek, and I said, "You're a part of me. Isn't that special?" Brandon looked away from me, and then we heard the bell ring. I asked him, "Are you really gonna go out with this Stevie guy?"
And, much to my horror, he nodded. He actually ADMITTED it! And that just...that was almost enough to cause me to collapse right there on the steps. He says, "I just didn't want you to think that I was purposely trying to cause you pain, Billy. Because I'm not."
So...I just sniffled and wiped my eyes, trying to get myself as close to 'normal' as I could, and started to walk back into the school. I said, "Fine. Whatever. I hope he makes you happy." I don't know why I said that. Because I DON'T hope that at all! I hope he fucking gets run over by a BUS and dragged around town until there's nothing left of him but his pretty little face, stuck on the back bumper! But the truth is...I didn't have the strength to fight with him. I took all I had just to keep from pounding my fists on Brandon's chest and screaming at him for making me feel like this! I HATED HIM!!! I STILL HATE HIM!!!
I would rather have gone on suspecting the worse and looking for clues. I would rather have not known at all. But....to have him just come right out and tell me that he....that him and Stevie are....
What am I going to do? What is my life going to be...now that I have to live it without a heart?
The sad thing is...Brandon really seemed concerned about the whole thing. He really...looked like he didn't want to hurt me. But that only made things worse. He's just being stupid! He's being horny and petty and just trying to get BACK at me! I KNOW he is! That's what this is. It's not like he could just 'forget' about me like I never existed and just fall for somebody else. He said he LOVED me! He said it all the time! How can he just leave me here all alone? How can he just 'take it back' and give it to somebody else? Who the FUCK is Stevie to just approach my boyfriend and make a play for him like that? They're BOTH just being heartless at this point! I don't CARE how cute he is, he's not ME! Brandon's gonna figure that out eventually. He's gonna...he's gonna see how phony and fake he is...and then he'll HAVE to come back! Right? I mean...we're like....soulmates. Where else would he go? Stevie can't be all that great. He just...he can't be! I'm better than he is. Brandon's better than he is. So why is he even...HERE? Brandon and I love each other. We're always gonna love each other! I mean...that's just how it works....
Ok...I don't want to think about this right now. I'm going to try to clear my head long enough to eat dinner without crying my eyes out in front of my mom. I just hope she doesn't ask me any questions about it. Because I have nothing to tell her. Nothing at all. And even if I did have something to say...I'm too empty inside to spare it for anybody else's benefit. I just...I want the silence around me to swallow me whole for a while. I just want to ache in peace.
I'm sorry. That's all for tonight.