- I think I've just been...like...'challenged'! You know what I mean? Of COURSE you don't! You're just a book! But...yeah...it happened! I SWEAR...it really happened!
Ok, before I get into all of that shit, let me say this...I have been a REALLY good boy today! I mean, I was thinking of doing something extremely rotten today in school...but I was able to restrain myself. I don't know why though. I guess my conscience got the best of me.
See....I saw Brandon and Stevie together in the hall today, and it really REALLY fucking made me want to vomit!!! It just...it wasn't RIGHT! You know? It's not like they were making out naked or anything, but they were smiling, and to me that hurt just as bad. Just seeing them standing in the same proximity as one another was like stabbing a rusty FORK into my heart! And I know that he said that he 'wasn't doing this to hurt me' and all....but what the FUCK did he *EXPECT* me to feel when he started parading this new cutie around in front of my fucking FACE???
Ok...I kinda promised myself that I wouldn't get so mad about all of this. I mean...ok...I fucked up. I get that. And Brandon has every right to try to teach me a lesson. That's gotta be what he's doing. I mean, I never even HEARD of this 'Stevie' kid before me and Brandon broke up. So, as far as I'm concerned, he's just a lame and 'temporary' replacement for the good and true love that I can give my baby when he needs it. So fuck him! Fuck him and the bitch that gave BIRTH to him! That's where I am with Stevie right now!
I honestly had to control myself earlier today. I wanted to do something to totally RUIN him in front of everybody. Stevie, that is. Exactly what that even was....I didn't know. Just something! So I practically *destroyed* my brain thinking over it all night long yesterday. And once I saw them together in the hallway...walking all close to each other, and smiling, and laughing, and blushing, and basically watching this emo son of a bitch pretend to be ME in Brandon's life...I was overwhelmed with the urge to really DO something! And I was sooooo close to actually doing it. I really was!
I was actually standing in the boy's bathroom, marker in hand, right in front of the big bathroom mirror over the sink...and....I don't know...I just....I was ready to blow the lid off of this whole stupid affair! I wanted to write 'Stevie is gay' on the mirror and force him to deal with the backlash! Just starting the rumor would be enough to wreck things between them, I was sure of it. I know how Brandon feels about accidentally being 'found out', and I know that he is constantly worried about what his dad is gonna say about it all if that happens. So....outing Stevie to the whole school would definitely be the way to go. That would cause Brandon to stay away from him for SURE! He'd be terrified of being seen with an admitted homosexual, right?
The thing is...even though I was standing there in the bathroom by myself, even though I found the courage to take the cap off of the marker, and even wrote Stevie's NAME out in capital letters....I couldn't bring myself to go any further. Something about my stupid conscience wouldn't let me! And I ended up scrubbing his name of with some wet paper towels. I was even late to CLASS because I was covering up for....for 'him'.
I'm really trying here, you know? I'm trying to understand and not really go crazy over it all. I honestly thought that I'd be able to deal with this thing a little bit better than I am...but...I just can't SEE them together! Every time they cross my vision, I think about Stevie...'touching' my boyfriend.
I'm sorry...I mean my 'ex' boyfriend....
I see them smiling at each other, and my mind automatically goes to them kissing...and sucking each other off...and maybe Brandon is gonna let him fuck him too. And I just know they're gonna spend all day cuddling. Brandon always did love to cuddle. Something about the unbelievable softness of his skin was soooo soothing. It was like baby skin, you know? And he was always so warm. And whenever we moved, and the skin on my thigh would slide across his leg...I'd get goose bumps. I'd feel his sweet breath on my forehead, and I'd often lean up to kiss those soft, cushioned, lips of his...it was bliss. It was the most magical part of my life. And now Stevie is there to just....to just...
Take it all for himself.
Anyway, Sam has been rather quiet lately. Mostly because he's trying so hard to respect my wishes for him to just stay out of it. But I can tell that he can't STAND seeing me so miserable. His protective nature is frustrating him more and more everyday. I wish he could make things better, I really do. But he can't. I mean...technically, I shouldn't have even told him that Brandon was even 'gay'. Not to mention the fact that Brandon is totally going to tell Sam about Bobby Jinette if he talks to him about it. And I kinda don't want Sam to know that part. As 'cool' as he has been with the whole gay thing so far, he still seems kinda squeamish about me actually having sex with people he sees in the school hallway everyday. He tries not to let it show on his face, but I can tell. I'm sure his mind gets just as sick picturing it as mine does with Brandon and Stevie, if not more so.
Anyway, there's really nothing I can do about that. So I'll just try to deal with that later. On my....'own'.
So...yeah...big fucking frustration AFTER school today! You see, I saw Jimmy by his locker earlier today, and he was literally grinning from ear to ear! Like, this big INSANE smile, you know? And I came over to ask what was up, which made the grin even bigger. As if that was even possible! He was bouncing on his heels, and he said, "Me and Alex have been talking on the phone like EVERY night this week! And...God, Billy...I'm SO in love! REALLY....I am *SOOOO* in LOVE!!!"
So, I'm like.."Oh...well....that's cool." But it's still really twisting my guts up, because I know what kind of painful rollercoaster ride he's in for, and I know that I should have done something about it before now. I was just involved with my own shit and afraid to even approach the situation.
But things kinda changed when I heard Jimmy say, "COOL??? Are you kidding me??? Billy..." He looked around for a second, and then he cupped his hand and whispered excitedly into my ear. "...We're TOTALLY gonna have sex this Saturday!!! He TOLD me that his mom won't be home, and we'll have the place all to ourselves! And he wants me to come early so we can spend the whole DAY together....NAKED! Hehehe!" I think Jimmy was starting to sport a boner right there in front of me because he had to hide it with his backpack as he blushed a bit.
Well...I knew that it would come to this, as AJ works pretty fast when it comes to sex. But I didn't think Jimmy would give into it so fast. Then again, I don't know why not. I mean...I did. So after playing the 'happy for you' buddy for a bit longer, I made up my mind to at least call AJ and try to get him to lay off. I mean, he's GOTTA have a heart in that chest of his somewhere, right? He has no idea how much Jimmy has been through! He can't afford to have his heart torn to pieces by some kind of silly 'sex' game. Not now. He's barely healed up from the Lee situation. Another blow like that to his emotions is sure to push him right back over the edge again. And I don't know if I could go through that again. I didn't ever want to visit Jimmy in the hospital ever again. Every time I see those scars on his wrist....it reminds me of how close he came to being....'gone'. You know?
Anyway, when I got home today, it took a bit of courage...but I decided to call him up. If I could just..'talk' to AJ for a little bit, then I thought that I might be able to keep him from breaking that boy's heart. Well, he must have recognized my number on his cell phone, because he knew who it was when he answered.
He was like, "Wellllll...I can't say that I'm surprised to get THIS particular call. How are ya, dude?"
I tried to be 'civil' about the whole thing, but everything just kinda came out all at once. I was like, "AJ...I know what you're doing, and it's really not cool. Jimmy really isn't some random boy that you can play around with. He's...he's special, ok?"
And AJ was like, "Really? How so?"
And, to be honest...it kinda ANGERED me to hear the way he said it. It was like...'snotty', with a big smile that you could hear over the phone. I told him, "He's not just some 'conquest' for you to play around with, ok? He's had his emotions screwed up enough. He doesn't need you fucking with his feelings the way you fucked with mine!"
And AJ actually laughed! Do you hear me? He LAUGHED! He was like, "Funny...I beg to differ. Everything seems to be awesome over here. Even better this weekend. Don't see why you would be worried about it."
I felt my stomach muscles tighten up, and I said, "I don't know what the hell you did to get him so giddy and goofy over you..."
But he interrupted me and said, "I didn't do anything. Just being me. That was always enough, wasn't it?" And then he said, "But if you don't believe me, why don't you just ask him yourself. Your friend 'Jimmy' is sitting right across the table from me right now." And I froze. He was WHAT???
AJ handed his cell phone over to Jimmy, and he said, "Hello?"
I tried to retrace every bit of our conversation, and from what I could remember...AJ didn't really say anything that would be considered 'incriminating' in front of him. Not unless he heard my side of the conversation. I was like, "Hey...Jimmy."
So he goes, "Billy? Omigod, what are you doing? Hehehe, how did you get Alex's number?"
What the hell was I supposed to fucking SAY??? I was stuck for an answer...and that's when I heard AJ's voice in the background saying, "I gave it to him the last time we were all together. I told him to call me if he couldn't hang out with us today in the mall."
And Jimmy, still gullible and love struck, said, "Awww, Billy...why didn't you tell me you wanted to come to the mall with us today?"
AJ had me locked in a checkmate. He knew my heart wouldn't let me expose the whole thing to Jimmy on the phone while they were sitting face to face in a crowded mall. So....and I feel REALLY bad about it...I said, "It....it was gonna be a surprise, Jimmy. That's all." I even had the audacity to add, "I hope you guys have fun today."
I guess AJ tickled Jimmy or something, because he broke out into a fit of giggles and squealed, "STOP IT! Here...take it back! Geez! See ya later, Billy!"
And I heard AJ pick up the line again. "So...I take it you two didn't have much to 'say' to each other, huh?" He said, daring me to tell Jimmy the truth. "Yeah, Jimmy's not much for talking. But KISSING...that he's good at." I could practically hear Jimmy wiggling over the phone as he giggled uncontrollably at the thought of being so flattered by such a cutie.
I was like, "AJ...PLEASE don't do this. Ok? Jimmy...he's my friend. He doesn't deserve this"
And you know what the son of a bitch said to me? He says, "Well...we're going to find that out soon, aren't we? Hehehe! Gotta go, Billy. I'm sure we'll be in touch." And then a 'click'. He cut me off!
It was a direct challenge! A challenge for me to out myself to Jimmy LaPlane in order to stop AJ from completely taking advantage of him and then cheating on him the way he did to me! He thinks I won't do it! That's what it is! He thinks I'm too much of a chickenshit to tell him the truth! And you know what? Huh? You.....you know what?....
Maybe I am.
But I'm NOT gonna let that keep me from protecting my friend! I WON'T do it! Tomorrow, as soon as I get a chance...I'm gonna tell Jimmy to stay away from AJ! And I'm gonna tell him why! So...so yeah! Fuck him! He's not gonna violate Jimmy LaPlane on my watch! I swore when he was in that hospital bed that I'd look out for him, and that's exactly what I'm gonna do. Even if it hurts him to hear it.
Ok, AJ...you wanted to play games, then let's play. I suggest you start looking for another piece of ass. Because this one is about to dump your sorry ass!
I may not be able to do anything about this Stevie bullshit...but at least I can stop this tragedy before it gets too deep.
I'm gonna go. But I'll let ya know how it goes tomorrow! Screw AJ and his tricks! Let's see what you've got asshole! Bring it!