- You know, I was kinda looking for some sort of....'help' with this screwed up situation of mine with Brandon, mostly out of desperation. But, funny thing...I actually GOT some today from the strangest place. I mean...well, let me try to put my thoughts in order about it all so this will make sense later.
See, I saw Sam early this morning, and he was seriously reaching his limit as far as letting me have my personal 'space' was concerned. He just couldn't stand it any more, and he approached me the second I walked through the front door of the school today. He's like, "Billy...enough's enough! We have to talk!"
It confused me at first, because I thought that I was pretty clear about him not really being able to have any real impact on me being hurt over losing my boyfriend. I didn't even want him to interfere. There was NOTHING that he could say to Brandon that would suddenly make him come back to me and be all lovey dovey again like we were before. NOTHING. Not to mention the fact that Sam was one hundred percent straight. How can he even understand a gay relationship...much less try to REPAIR one? But the way he clutched onto my arm and dragged me back outside, I didn't have much of a choice but to hear him out.
He was like, "Dude...this thing with you and Brandon, PLEASE just let us...try something to help you out. PLEASE??? You are fucking MISERABLE, Billy! And that's making ME miserable! It hurts to even LOOK at you these days. And it's getting worse."
I said, "Sam...dude, c'mon...I told you already...there's nothing that you can do. It's fucked up. *I* fucked it up, personally. There isn't any way for you to just snap you fingers and make it all better."
He says, "It's not like that. But we might have some ideas that can at least start some kind of positive reaction in all this."
I think it was at that moment that I began to listen to the strange way that he presented the idea to me. And I was forced to ask..."What do you mean, 'we'?"
He's like, "Huh?"
I'm like, "You said, 'we'. What do you mean 'we'? You're not talking about you and me." He looked away from me and started to mumble a bit, which let me know right off the bat that I had been stabbed in the back yet AGAIN! I said, "YOU TOLD HER *THAT* TOO???"
He put up his hands to calm me down a bit as I squirmed in front of him. "Billy...dude it's ok. Joanna wants to HELP! Seriously! She's got some pretty cool ideas about it all. You should hear her out." Arrrrghhhh!!!! WHY THE FUCK DOES SAM HAVE TO TELL HIS STUPID 'GIRLFRIEND' **EVERYTHING**????
I screamed, "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU, SAM!!!"
But he was still trying to get me to agree to just giving her a try, and despite the embarrassment of having her know about yet ANOTHER extremely personal part of my life...Sam sorta had me 'locked in' to talk to her today at lunch. I mean, what was I gonna do? Run off and not talk to either one of them ever again?
Well...now that I think about it, that doesn't sound like such a bad idea.
Anyway, I was sorta FORCED into going along with it, and Sam said that we'd go outside at lunch and find us a private spot so we could talk openly. I did NOT like being railroaded into this...and when I got down to the cafeteria and saw Joanna giving me that pathetic 'Poor Billy' look again...I felt even worse. Still, I followed them out, my stare spitting daggers at Sam the whole way. We found a quiet patch of grass to eat just on the other side of the school faculty parking lot.
Joanna basically told Sam that he was to remain silent and just let her and me talk. Psh! Yeah! Like THAT'S gonna work! If the school principal can't get him to be quiet in DETENTION....what chance does SHE have?
She just started off by saying, "Ok, Billy...talk to me. What happened?"
Okaaaaay, so going into detail about me and Bobby was NOT something that I was looking forward to. Especially to 'start things off' with.
I fidgeted around the issue a bit. I tried pretty damn hard to avoid saying anything about Bobby Jinette at ALL...but...arrrgh! You know something, I think I can see why Sam gives in to her will so much. Joanna has this really strange way of slipping past your defenses without you even really knowing that she's doing it. It's even better than my MOM'S methods, for crying out loud! Her eyes are the key to it all. They, like...hypnotize you or something. And she comes off as really nice and caring and sweet...but the whole time, it's really just a well executed distraction that she uses while picking the lock to your most intimate thoughts and secrets. She's gonna make one HELL of a wife to some poor sap some day! And God forbid if she becomes a Mom herself in the future!
So, after a bit of her subliminal battering, I glanced over at Sam...who was still keeping his mouth shut so far...and I winced a little bit as I said, "I...I kinda cheated on him with somebody else."
Sam instantly said, "You did WHAT???" And Joanna slapped his knee to keep him quiet.
She's like, "Go on, Billy. What happened?"
I started to explain a bit, but Sam interrupted again and said, "You had sex with ANOTHER guy???" Which got him another slap on the leg, but he couldn't seem to get over the fact that I was already so...um...'experienced' with the whole gay thing.
I never mentioned Bobby's name, but Joanna listened as I skirted around the issue and told her that it was for 'us' and that I just wished it had never happened. I swear, if I could take back that first afternoon that I slept with Bobby Jinette, I would do it in a heartbeat. I miss my 'baby'. I miss him soooooo much. I don't know why Joanna suddenly became so easy to talk to, especially in front of Sam. But after getting the worst part of it out in the open, I found myself wanting to get it all off of my chest. Um...once my best friend was gone, that is. I don't know...I think girls just take the gay thing easier than guys do. Sam was still trying to fight the 'Ewww' facial expression when the idea of me sucking even more dick than he was aware of came up. Not to be MEAN, of course. I just don't think he could help it.
I told her what the deal was, and Joanna seemed to calculate the whole situation in a matter of seconds. It was kind of uncanny, to be honest. She's like, "So you said that he still wants to be your friend, right?"
I'm like, "Yeah, but...I don't want to be his friend, Joanna. I want my boyfriend back...."
She's all, "I know, but you can't just run over to him and tell him to come home. It doesn't work like that." I gave her a look while she got her wheels spinning. Then she says, "So he still loves you, but he doesn't want to get back together....hmmmm..." I waited on pins and needles, wondering if she actually had a way to help me. She says, "You know what you've gotta do, Billy?"
I'm like, "What? I'll do anything!"
She's like, "You've got to meet Stevie. And you've gotta be NICE."
Um...ok...so I WON'T be doing that! I'm like, "What the hell are you talking about??? I don't wanna have anything to DO with that asshole! If I meet him, it'll be in a dark alley somewhere with a fucking tire-iron!"
Sam was like, "Amen to that! I'll help you bury the body when you're finished, dude."
Joanna rolled her eyes, like, "Ugh...men! Listen, do you want to find a way to fix this or not?"
I'm like, "Not!!! Not if it means cuddling up to the 'enemy', I don't."
She sighed and told me, "You don't get it, Billy. Brandon still loves you, and that's the best weapon you've got. The PROBLEM is...he doesn't trust you anymore. And until you rebuild that trust, you're not going to get any closer to getting him back than you are right now."
It made a sick kinda sense, but I really didn't want to admit it. I said, "But...come ON, Joanna! I mean...Stevie? Really?"
She put a hand on my shoulder and was like, "Don't think of it as spending time with Stevie. Think of it as getting an opportunity to spend more time with Brandon again." She told me, "Keep an eye on them, find out what Stevie is and what he isn't. And the more Brandon warms up to trusting you again, the more his love for you is gonna stick. If you guys were as much in love as you say you were...he won't have any choice but to choose you."
Sam and I looked at each other, and I made a pouty face as I considered doing the unthinkable to get my sweetheart to come back to me. I said, "Can't I just beat Stevie up and mess up his face so bad that it makes Brandon sick to look at him?"
Joanna gave me a sarcastic tilt of her head. "Sure, if you wanna go to JAIL. I'm certain you'll find PLENTY of boyfriends in there." Fuck...this sucks. But she tried to comfort me by saying, "Look, any begging and pleading you do now is just gonna make you look desperate. The more you ask him to come back, the more he's gonna feel like he's being asked to fall for another trick. It just won't work. Don't make it about YOU and what YOU want, Billy. You've gotta get close enough to let him 'choose' to give you another chance. And that means being nice enough to Stevie to stand beside him and outshine him in Brandon's eyes." I still had a frown on my face as I looked down at my shoes. So she added, "And if that doesn't work, then we tie Stevie up, throw him in a sack, and toss him into the middle of Lake Michigan."
It made me smirk a bit, and I asked, "You promise?"
She nodded, and Sam kissed her on the cheek. He's like, "That's my wicked little Joey!"
So...yeah...help from strange places. With even stranger suggestions. Is being nice to Mr. Wonderful really gonna help me win Brandon back? What if I end up making him look even better than before? And how the hell am I supposed to hide the look of utter disgust on my face when I see them smile at each other? I swear, just ONE kiss between them, and I'm gonna end up tearing that pretty emo boy's hair out! I cannot be held responsible for my actions if they decide to become 'intimate' in front of me.
Ok, I'm going to bed. I've got a long weekend ahead of me...while planning to bow down and let fate work its magic on Monday. Hopefully it'll work in my favor this time.